Off the Cliff

This moment in time -17th of August =3:28am -I realize that I do not any longer need to  – and want to – find the specific reasons for my sleeplessness,aches and pains. The ego has had a ball with this idea: the challenge of finding the specific thoughts that create the specific pain or fear in the nervous system it so intellectually satisfying – when I have found the cause, the symptoms most often disappear – which gives the ego a great boost.

I don’t need to  leaf through all these variations of fear any longer – through all incarnations – oh vey is mir – I have dutifully looked for them

I see that it is completely unnecessary

Big fear:” Being a detective gave you control. Now you have no control any longer.”

No: All appearances are the same – they have already been healed eons ago, you are ever only reviewing what has already happened.

An earlier chronic pain in the throat -gone for years – appears.

NO: I don’t allow this pattern any longer. I am not willing to listen to this fear and control voice any longer. I do not value it any longer.


How sweet: this enough comes from a vastly deeper level that the former ones

I see an inner image: it is a graphic print  I love of a person standing before a mirror – and it is called “the Dreamer”. I have another print by the same artist: an angel stands on the end of a cliff. It looks down, there is a white bird floating there – and the angel just stands there, frozen – in lack of trust of its wings

I just jumped

Who is jumping is who is receiving the jumper – softly gently welcoming her home


After this, a dream: I have lost the key to my last apartment before this house where I live now. This is where I lived with my husband before we separated – my life as Wife. I still pay rent for that apartment – I must get my belongings –

No – I have left it. There is no rent to pay

Sitting with God this morning –

The first thing that presents itself if “How can I ever trust God completely – remembering all the times in beautiful surrendering, Love flowing in – and then  suddenly Heaven turns itself into hell, where that one who was recently my dear companion turns  into a demon that devours me?”


After this question, there comes awareness of how defense-patterns have taught me to constant be on the lookout for signs that this “switching” in the other person is about to happen: I sense it energetically and via changes in their facial expression and voice. I trained myself to instantly split my consciousness and dissociate.

And the body still carry this habit: being close to God/bliss means that hell is about to happen.

What a conditioning!

The thorough training in not being present during abusive attacks – and the premise that the attacks are real, and not a projection from my mind – and therefore the healing must happen in the mind FIRST – the ROOT must be uprooted

What a tremendous control I have established as my “protector” – expecting the worst, looking out for it, always.

Control = con troll 🙂 – meaning colluding with ego, or what a friend called “Taz” ( for “Tasmanian devil)

I see it now, with a giggle

You are showing me  the basis of all these dreams of being attacked:

A thought that God  – our true Essence of Love and eternal Peace – CAN turn into a Devil who will devour you and crush me – again and again.

While I speak this into my little recorder, the dark clouds outside my window become transparent and the sun flows in

“And this is the thought you have repeated in a majority of your incarnations” says the Voice  – “and thereby fortifying the identification with Taz, in its victim-part. You have also learned *that all these attackers  also have had  outstanding beautiful qualities: extreme sensitivity, almost all of them, and a majority are great artists or  pioneering persons in different fields of society – and they all have this ability to split off their Mr.Hyde-part from their kind Dr.Jekyll.

You made the assumption that to have the ecstasy of creating freely, following the blissful process of creativity, you had to accept the dark side and become a victim of it.

At the base of all of this is the thought that God can change into your worst enemy and stalk you and destroy you – which is exactly what the Son of God thought happened at the  seeming moment of separation, believing the impossible Tiny Mad Idea.”

Feelings of guilt and sin comes in waves –  it feels wonderful to know that these are just bodily memories based on false thoughts: just errors. I see how completely natural for the Taz-mindset it was – and IS – to believe in and identify with sin, guilt and fear –  the mind’s  unholy trinity. I see how intrinsically those dark qualities are assimilated in the mind of the dreamer and its dreamed-up 3 dimensional figures.

God turns into the devil – because by believing in the TMI, YOU think you have turned into the devil – and you now project it  into your image of God. This is the god many Christians believe in – he wants to be feared, and he burns down villages and turns people into salt if they don’t follow his rules. By believing in this God-image, this story, this is the god many humans have experienced for millions of years.

I have faithfully played out my story for innumerable incarnations. I have hung on to the Silly Mad Idea for eons and I surrender it  and allow You to correct it. All that is here are appearances. They are not real.

I look at this me/Taz that is hypnotized by its story and want to keep it. Strange. But there it is. Luckily I have learned that not judging this means that I have forgiven it.

*( through my investigation  in my therapy/healing-practice  with my book – “When fear comes home to Love” – see right menu

Pearls in the poop

The most frequent trap in my practice is to resist feeling hate, anger, fear – that means, judging those feelings as bad, or telling myself that if I feel hatred that means that I am a bad person, really not worthy to live. I see that much of my intense fear of these feelings comes from believing that I can turn into one of those “monsters” I experienced as a child – so each time I am resisting one of those feelings, automatic defenses come up like a fountain,

In the shower-session today 🙂 I saw – again – that all of those feelings belong to the story I have been playing out this incarnation. More and more bits and pieces of it comes effortless to the surface, as something of a nightmare that dissolves in the clear light of the day. “There I go again” Blue reminds me to say – and smiles.

A little later, I was sitting in the living room. about to read “Of course!” Reflections on A Course in Miracles By Ian Patrick, when I noticed some hairs on my red woolen shawl. Instant disgust. I watched it: this is disgusting, obnoxious, I am about to vomit, my hair fall out, I am old, decrepit, not worthy – and on and on it went, like an avalanche.

“Hating anything about yourself.” said Blue, “really means that you believe these thoughts about you. Just notice it – be willing to be wrong about it 🙂 – and ask me to correct your perception.”

The thoughts evaporated – just as the old stories – and as I just sat with the heavy energy and allowed myself to let it be, I saw the Holy Son of God putting on several disgusting costumes, looking in the mirror and believing the ugly images he saw. While in reality, he could just realized that under all those layers of ugly, he remained just as God created him.

I smiled as I sensed the Love under all that hate – unchangeable Love. And I opened Ian’s book and read: “Pearls in the Poop” – describing the exact process I already had been through.

I can not wake up alone,without my brother

Dream: I am traveling on the longest train in the world. I have attended a course with clay, and have made many exquisite clay figures that I have brought with me in my luggage.

As I walk through the train, I leave my luggage behind in the compartment that is “mine” and some friends, and enter a dark compartment. Still, I recognize my brother – and we embrace.

Writing this, huge feelings pours through me: this brother and I have numerous incarnations together, mostly as lovers/spouses. In each of the incarnations that I know of, he has had the role of “betraying” that love – many times for monastic life, or a life in a Mystery Tradition. And I have had the familiar role of the betrayed and abandoned and left poor woman.

He has “betrayed” and left me this life too: he simply will and can not accept that I experienced the abuse that I did – that would crush his image of our father for him. So he is just silent. We don’t communicate. And as I don’t want to push him to accept what he can not, I have accepted the situation – but in my heart, I miss him so.

Now, in the dream, in the soft darkness, we embraced.And embraced,and embraced. I feel the old feeling of this NOW: there has never been any man I have loved as you. All old grievances slip off, as we see each other as the Holy Son of God. It is laughable to think that there ever could be anything else than this love between us.

Now we have reached the end stop of the journey. The tracks lead into a tunnel, but it is filled with snow and ice. Strangely, I spot somebody clearing that tunnel from the other side: we will get through! And so… I just have to get my luggage! I simply can not leave those clay-figures – my precious creations – so I tell him to wait for me, and rush back through the train…will it still be there?

I find one bag – but it seems empty! Franticly I call to my friends to help me, and one of them finds it for me –

I take my 3 bags and run to my brother- I have used hours on this search for luggage – will he still wait for me? Will he BE there?

“Are you here?” I call, and there he is – standing in a black suit in a stair, leading out of the train, through the roof – and he smiles and all time has left and all that is left is LOVE.

At the journey’s end we are One again – and I cannot get there without my Brother, as the Course says.

As I wake up from the dream, my body still carries the imprint from this embrace in LOVE. A little taste of Heaven for sure: a state of absolute clarity, peace and joy – and simplicity.

To open my heart for both of us is wonderful beyond words.


Here are many symbols of transitions – : the dark suit, the end of the journey, the stairs leaving the train/journey -this might mean that he might be close to death –

and if so, I know well that his body may die, but this connection to Love and Oneness never will-

and all the rest is completely meaningless

a useless story

After the awakening described recently,all psychic hell broke loose, as I am used to. I got a dear friend who is transparent and loving to help me on Skype – and after that, the nightmares were even more disgusting and vicious that before.

This morning I was praying deeply to see how I want this. I was shown that all my work on archetypes has made me even more acutely sensitive for them – and ontological guilt is a biggie. It makes sense that when I hook on to that guilt and believe this is about me and my personal ( and reincarnational) story, it  is  “only”my mind outside time and space identifying with the ego thought system. Of course “I” would need someone I can project it onto: I need to make a trustworthy guilydangerouspowerful being.

In my story, I made a “being” or “spirit” who is enormous and has enormous power. I still believe it is because of him that the attacks come. No wonder I believe  that he is more powerful than God: I believed I needed that to escape the wrath of God.

Then it is not “my fault that I suffer.” It is his. And i can be innocent and cry to God that I don’t want this suffering. But as long as i chose the story as “mine”, I WILL be suffering. And when I identify myself with this choice of “me”, then I also must keep me belief in powerlessness.

A  burden fell off when I saw this. It was easy to forgive that choice – and I love that the monster is not real in reality: I made it up. I also made up the “me” and its incarnations.I forgive my decision for this story – for believing in the first fear at the TMI. I give up the “need” to keep this story, and allow Blue to choose for God for me.

And reminding myself that my willingness is all –  the rest is up to H.S and his  timing.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: