Lava-anger

What I am describing here is the very essence of torture belonging to anyone who cannot share humongous pain – be it trauma of any kind, abuse,war,illness – the occasion where this goes on continuously and there is no-one who will listen or acknowledge what goes on.

In the case of abuse,the family will not under any circumstances acknowledge it, And as soon as your face shows that there is something going on with you, you are told that ” do you have to look so forlorn – you, who are SO well cared for.

So the circumstances are:

constant abuse of any kind – (could be both inside the family and outside, from others,  as in my case) – and you discover that any signs of “something wrong”  psychologically/mentally are simply not tolerated.  If you get a flu, you may get lots of sympathy – breaking an arm gets you “Oh your poor child” and ice-cream. But ANY signs of inner agony – that anything is “wrong with you” – STOP IT. NO expression at all.

The consequence is that you can never relax. You cannot rest anywhere. You cannot even let yourself know how lonely you are, how terrible all that inner pain is, since it is denied from your closest ones, and consequently by yourself too.

This is how grave splits and dissociation happen in the psyche, and we get cases of severe denial and  “multiple selves” – and this is what I describe in my book you see in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Dream this morning:

I was hiking with a group of people to a place where we were to stay and live for some days. The weather was rugged, and I saw that I had only my old (at least 40 years old) red rain jacket on.

When we arrived, I went from room to room to find a free bed (mattresses on the floor.) There were clothes on everyone –  all were taken.

The metaphor: I have no place to rest, to sleep.

Maybe you can  recognize that belief – that feeling deep inside?

I saw clearly HOW repressed my desperation was at that time – due to deep abuse and also sexual torture from several people outside the family. It lasted years. It became the normal. My dream showed me the depth of my repression – and anyone’s repression, in the cases where there simply are no healthy people who CAN notice and care for the children who are victims of this. This kind of total repression goes far back through the ancestral lines – and you who read this may be one of those people who were never HEARD and welcomed and listened to.

After this realization, the underlying lava-anger started to erupt. There were strong murderous feelings and images, I allowed them all, honoring that child  – now I received the images of her hacking people to death: “Of course you has these impulses! This was at least an expression of the anger you felt – and any of us may feel  – when any sign of suffering is simply not allow to SHOW. And I am so grateful you did NOT show them there and them – that would most certainly have been dangerous for you. I am so very sorry for what happened to you, and that led to all your beliefs about who you were ( despicable creature being all wrong, not worthy of being seen and listed to) and all the coping mechanisms that you made, that saved your sanity. But I am here now to hold you and support you and  allow you to express any feelings at all – you have a right to them.NOW you are not alone, I AM HERE with you – and that makes all the difference.”

“I hate GOD!” you wail – “I prayed that God stopped them doing what they were doing, and he did nothing! He is evil! He wants me to suffer! And that must mean that I am guilty!!” and the next thoughts, following from this – ” He is punishing me for something – ” and the next thoughts:  “this punishing may save me from Hell later.”

That last one has a deep impact, I feel. That way of thinking actually draws  opportunities for suffering to me.

My printer is now reflecting this to me: the color blue will not print. (BLUE is what I call inner spiritual guidance in this blog.) Also, the support-plate for the paper will not tilt/lean back – pointing to the fact that it is almost impossible for me to lean back and support myself and all I want to share – symbolized with the printed papers with my words on them.

I am one of those who has actively chosen to see anything that happens as metaphors. It has served me well, and the Universe plays with me here – as now, with the printer. Right now a wave of bliss and laughter wells up in me, and  Blue reminds me of all the occasions where I have discovered that God loves to play. I have included numerous of these short stories in my book – all humorous and peculiar and odd.

Here is a couple:

Blue is playing:

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

 

Blue is playing:

“…someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?”

A great light and soft love surrounds me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

*

My inner child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

Flying Free

May you all have the most happy peaceful fulfilling year imaginable!

For a minute ago, there was a huge opening for my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – it is being presented in the #me too-community on Facebook. That is a closed group, but here is a link to a series of 10 FREE video/audio  webinars that may save your sanity and life, if you count yourselves as one of the me-too’s

http://www.metoointensive.com/nt-ls

I am posting my FB post here too 🙂

I have worked as a therapist and healer since 1988, and as soon as I started my practice I realized that all my clients showed very similar patterns – and they all mirrored patterns in me.I give Expressive Arts Therapy, and as soon as the patient sat down to draw or paint, or any other expression, the air was filled with Presence. All the images led to LOVE showing up – in details,word, and most of all, numinous synchronicities in our lives. Early into this process, out of the blue, a publisher phoned me and asked me “Shouldn’t you write a book?” And i should and did.

As soon as I had made my commitment, inner guidance turned up – in one of my agonized nights filled with dark and demonic visitations, I asked intensely for help and there S/he was – I called It BLUE.She explained the “mechanics” of the violator/victim-spectrum, and told me I was here to explore this with my patients – to find certain archetypes we all share, how to recognize them and how to relate to them to transform them.

What made it possible to write that book, was the constant weird and wonderful synchronicities that turned up. I have included them in the book – it sprinkles a highly needed flavor of humor and giggles into the work, helping us to dis-identify from the archetypes – be their loving observer

That took about 25 years.
I self published it – the publisher told me that his editors were not skilled to edit it – so I had to edit it with BLUE instead 🙂

Blue linked me to Jennifer last June, and I took the STT training – so when she advertised the free #MeTooHealingIntensive webinars I got big shivers. I realized this was a huge gift to me – but also a gift to the book – here was the true energetic opening for it.

I am beyond relieved and grateful for everything that brought me to this life and to link up with Jennifer and #MeTooHealingIntensive. I love you all!

Here is the link – you can read about it, read reviews and peak inside. It comes in Kindle too – much cheaper

Blue is Playing

Blue is my inner guide on my journey to remembering my Self. He truly enjoys playing  – giving me hilarious synchronicities, as Jung names them.

I have my alarm clock set to nine am, and yesterday I turned the alarm off. Still, this morning it alarmed! It is a type that sounds the alarm 50 times before it stops. I  picked it up and looked at it – and it was set to OFF. I said, “now listen.You are not supposed to  sound the alarm when I have turned you to off.”

It stopped in the middle of two repetitive signals. If it had had a face, it would have blushed.

Now, how many of you will believe this? I wonder. Maybe the ones who have followed me for 6 years.  So maybe ONE 🙂 The rest of you may laugh as loud as you want. But I tell you, I would not have lasted as long as I have without “synchronicities” as this as long I worked on When Fear Come Home to Love – ca 25 years, without Blue dishing out these weird and wonderful syncs I have called Blue is Playing. You may write it in the search field to find more.

Now, the reason he does this is – to me – who is a sucker for symbols and looking at the world as a reflection of my mind – the reason is, that I have now understood that “setting the alarm” points to me continuously playing out disaster-thinking: I have black belt in it. I find myself continuously imagining new (or old ones), painting them out in details and feeling them in my body. And lately, I have watched me like a hawk and swooped down on them really fast – within a second or two – AND I have also told my mind that I now choose to turn that  old defense off.

Like last night.

That’s why it blushed, you know. The alarm clock.

OK, one more:

I read in A Course in Miracles: “I have created all I see.” I look out the window: there are two boys passing the window, and one of them has exactly the same clothes as the costume I made to a very famous marionette my husband made: Titten Tei.

Here he is with Julie Andrews, visiting Norway – terrible quality, but still…he is talking to JULIE ANDREWS, people.

So…the Titten Tei’s voice and puppet-player  died some years ago, so now he hangs on my wall with his little violin.

Ah. You see how clever I have been I hope. Not to mention my passed husband who in fact crafted the doll and his marvelous spunky spirit, together with Birgit Strøm.

Nough about that – here is another Blue is Playing:

I walk to the Culture Hall and tell myself inside:” I love myself  as I am now.”

The girl in the cafe has a white T- shirt with black writing: ” I love myself just as I am now.”

I know. Not very likely.

OK the last one – a notch more plausible:

I sit in the bus and pray silently ( aren’t you happy I do it silently):

“Lord, let me see with Your eyes, Your ears… and so on. I don’t think he has a body, though – but symbolically, he might see and hear, i have decided.” I look up, a big van is passing it has a logo with big black letters: “Thirst for the best.”

You have to admit that was a nice one.

Inner Guidance comes in many ways

I awake at 3:13 – feeling beyond bad. I tune in, and find that there is an innermost belief in mankind – subconsciously agreed upon – that we NEED to be punished, and that when we attack ourselves – in any way – we are safer towards God.

I sank deep within this belief, and found that at its center, I believed that fear was my friend: it was my whipper – my savior – from the fierce vengeful god-image we collectively and subconsciously have at our very core.

This seems to explain how the majority of us treats ourselves worse than we would treat an enemy – relentless in our demand of improvement – not recognizing that we ARE perfectly made in His image

What a relief it was to relax into that false idea and rest there in curiosity and wonder –

at first…

then the stories came up from the vast collective unconscious – the cornerstones to our world, based on fear, guilt and sin. A garbage dump with toxic waste.

I sat up in bed and turned on the light. I – the One Mind – had made this. So I owned that, did not judge it, and extended forgiveness to myself. The body felt like a transformer of atomic energy, scary, very scary. And electric! Then I sensed and saw The Christ Council around me, and St.Germain talked to me and said, “we did not know this place as you show it to us now. Thank you for your willingness and courage to go deep.”

I struggled like crazy hearing this – my ego switched from pumped up pride to crushed unworthiness – thank God I was aware that I am not that – that we are not that. Still, I asked him to give me a sign that what I heard here was not a delusion.

Nothing happened – and what a gift that was: I became acutely aware of how afraid I am that I am making these visions up, a sort of schizophrenic spell. Becoming aware of HOW afraid I was, was a gift – so I stayed with that energy and allowed it to pass through me.

The then thought of my book – “When Fear Comes Home to Love” came into my mind. I wrote it with Blue – or Jesus -as my guide, and self published it. St.Germain told me to post “Blue is playing”-episodes from the book here on my blog. These are playful synchronicities from the divine, helping me to move from fear to humor and play – a great way to transform darkness. The book is full of them. And here is the latest – from this morning:

This morning the night’s experiences had passed from my memory. I was standing beside a heap of my notebooks and picked up nr 18 and opened it, not knowing why.

It opened on this note, from June 2014:

St Germain says to me, in the night: “Don’t leave your truth, your heart, when you sense the fear. Appearances only.Breathe deeply into the energy. When you leave yourself,you have told yourself that fear is in YOU, and you have left your house – the Self -and then it is open to “thieves”J All are stories – they arise when you for a nanosecond believe that there CAN be a place where God is not – can you see how utterly laughable that is -“

Yes I can and I do 🙂

And now the memories from the night come back – and me asking for a sign from St.Germain in the night, that what I experienced him saying was not a fantasy from ego.

How grateful I am, that the work that we do, all contribute to the Christ Council. That deleted effectively ego’s insistence that the Christ Council is far far out of reach for “me”, and “above” me.

A deep wave of gratitude and safety flows through me – and the phone called:

A very polite and articulate man asked if it was OK to do a Gallup on how pleased I was with my alarm system –

oh the humor of Blue 🙂DSC_0406

I took this photo of my “Tree of Life” that I planted some months ago. I had started to give up on it – until this morning: on the same branch as the withered brown leafs, there is this shining red one

Two approaches leading to the same peace

Kit and I am Skyping. She is telling me about Bruce Lipton’s awakening. As a biologist, he investigated the cellular make-up: for years and years he experimented with cells. He found that  removing the cell-nucleus from the cell, and keeping the membrane, the cell still survived for about a month.

Without the membrane – the “bridge” between the outer and the inner – the separated cell nucleus died instantly.

The specialness – the genes for red hair,musicality,colorblindness and black skin lies in the DNA. Life itself lies in the membrane – the connective tissue.

Lipton shares how he worked and worked, and through the years his insights “crystallized” until he had his awakening. Kit and I agree that we both are crystallizing too – everything we have been through is leading us to amazing synchronicities, people and information come to us in wondrous ways.

I share a process from this early morning: there were strong tensions behind my eyes as usual, leading to neck pain. Through the last 30 years I have found effective ways of addressing pain and discomfort with gentleness and communication – so also this morning, where I expressed a wish to hear the pain out – what it was all about, and why it felt the need to keep this habit of straining the muscles so much.

It told me the story of needing to have full control ALL THE TIME: noticing everything around me to find signs that baddies were lurching – scanning the mind to be on the outlook for inner baddies/demons/enemies – and having to, compulsively,do this constantly. One second’s rest could mean instant death and hell.

Talk about obsessive-compulsive disorder:-)

Having found the roots of the tension-making and looking at it with love, the tensions were releasing, tears flowing – showing me that even the tear ducts were afflicted with automatic tensions.

I feel asleep, and had a dream: hundreds of people were together at a farm in the country for playing – just playing. In almost every other dreams where I am with other people, somebody is always sabotaging, being angry,quarreling about “rules.” I am always the one who tries to uphold peace and arrange things in a good way – to no avail and to my great frustration, waking up irritated and exhausted.

This time, everybody in the dream were co-operating. All the games flowed effortlessly; we were all following the organic flow of the processes, nobody had to be special and make fuss.We were all enjoying ourselves, trusting each other.

Waking up, I realized how the dream mirrored a huge change in the mind – from controlling and separation to co-operation and play.

The Course’s approach to pain is radically different: since pain is not created by God, it is imagined and unreal.

I see that after I had worked with pain in the way I have used for so many years, I now felt free to take the Course’s approach – the forgive the belief in value of control, and deny the pain as real. Both approaches lead to freedom.

Something deep inside relaxed as I saw how much I have listened to ego’s voice that ONLY the Course’s approach is the acceptable one – meaning that every time I did a non-Course practice I would feel bad and guilty, and the ego would be satisfied. But of course, what is valuable is  following inner Guidance exposing blocks, and seeing the purpose of holding on to suffering and specialness.

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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