The Stamina of the Stamen

Here is a dying Amaryllis – and it’s one perky Stamen that defies death.

I love that little white one with three leaves – like a three-leaf clover. And the strange face of that flower –

Here is stage 2:


Death you say? Highly overrated
Now it is starting to be very interesting – and artistically exciting too
ooohhh close-up
Hm is it only me who – well –
The morning after – that is, today

For new followers, you may not know that I am a Course in Miracles student ( and even ordained Minister. Just mentioning it so that you will take what I write SERIOUSLY )  (clears her throat and scrapes her foot. )

ACIM holds that there is no death -Who we are, in our eternal Self, cannot die and has never been born

It is the sacred essence within all that is – and nothing is separate. Modern physics nods its head supportively.

 I happen to have a chronic lung condition which limits breath – and this night there seemed to be  almost nothing of it. It felt like death was one minute away. I got the thought that only fear creates illusions -and so it is the FEAR of not breathing I must look at. Immediately the lungs opened a bit more. I decided that this was not Corona – it was a “class-room”, as the Course calls it – a learning experience of how to recognize the shenanigans of the small mind, showing me that I had chosen THAT as my teacher , and thereby giving me this fear-filter to perceive the happening through. As soon as that insight came, I  breathed better – and now I knew that I was under the law of Love and not insanity.

“You cannot BE without ME – since I am Being through you” said Love. “The restriction in the lungs is just a mirror of your old resistance to me. And your fascination of that Stamen is your recognition that inside decay and death is this immensely alive Stamen, bursting out, bending upwards, against gravity  and toward the Light


The Center of the Cyclone

I am frequently exploring levels of insanity. For the most, it comes in the night waking me up, some inner part is frantic with fear. I go to the Inner Garden where I meet my inner child/children, for now there is a 15-year old who seems to carry the most of it. This night, as I spoke to her and she gradually became more at ease, I was led to a memory when I was 5. That was the same year that I got scarlet fever and deeply wanted to “get outta here.”

In this memory I was sanding outside the church nearby, where I used to play alone. There was a pond there with frogs, puff-ball and several trees, I felt safe. This day, though, a wild wind was whipping, it grew to tremendous proportions, and suddenly I experienced that I was lifted from the ground and placed safely inside the still center of it. I saw myself hover over the ground, leaves whipping in circles around me, and I could not be touched.

Completely utterly safe HERE at this silent center.

Then: the parson was running out from his house 20 meters away, swooped me up in his arms and into his house.

I knew this man well – he was the father of my best friend.

Again I felt perfectly safe


So now, as I spent time with my inner 15-year-old, I let her know that I held her, it was safe to experience the “insanity” as pure energy, SHE WAS HELD AND SAFE. I saw her becoming all black – stiff – ice-cold – then shaking wildly in the same way that the wind had shaken me at that time. As the adult me, I realized that the wind may have been INSIDE her, and that she by Grace had discovered the silent center of that insanity-cyclone and rested there.

So now I just witnessed her and “held” her with my Love until she finished shaking. I saw her change from pitch black to normal skin color, and then she shared and expressed what she needed to – mostly she needed to hear that she had a reason to have felt this way – and that SHE was not insane – the insanity was the very ground her family was driven from.

As that old judgment fell, she started to come back to her self. We  agreed that next time the energy approached, she could CHOOSE to place herself in the calm center of the insanity-cyclone.

Now the same thing happened as a couple of days ago – deep peace grew forth, shining Light permeated the sick energy

-all because of our willingness to be with the energy, to allow it – and  being HELD and LOVED while it lasted.

Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share






The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up


More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

Christ’s vision

“Am I safe?”

This was the first question John Mark Stroud – One who wakes”from “The Way of Mastery” asked me to ask my Heart/Guidance in our Skype-session. I was asked to go into the Heart and allow guidance to answer me – and he would check if the answers I got were the same that he heard inside. They were. “YES” was the smiling answer from the Heart. This was not debatable:) I sat a little while in that feeling of being safe – or rather, as the One who IS safety.

Then the night came – worst than ever. I had breakfast and my morning Yogi Tea. The label told me: “Stay pure in the midst of impurity.”

Then I called out pr mail to John Mark in the morning. He answered:

“So when you touched and truly felt that I AM SAFE feeling it caused all that within your being that says NO I AM NOT to come flying up into your awareness. If you will allow it the fear will pass out of your being and the I AM SAFE (continue to focus on this) settle in as your truth. The transition can be uncomfortable.

 To Love and embrace is to allow ALL things in peace, coming to see the neutrality of ALL energies. What we abandon is the ego’s judgments of those energies…as you said “really nasty “fear-imprints/thoughtforms/energies” ” It is not the energies that are the issue it is our relationship/resistance to them and the resistance arises only from ego. Of course you know what we resist persists. That is what we abandon the resistance and the egos interpretations and judgments of all things. The “I Am Safe”  or Christ part of you is always present and always at peace no matter what’s going on inside or outside. That is what all are invited to awaken to but we must first dis-identify or abandon our identification with the ego in order to truly awaken to and embody Christ and live and experience creation thru Christ’s vision.”

As my long-time readers will have noticed, this is what I have believed meaning that I do something wrong in my practice and process.

No – it has meant that after having great mind/heart-openings, this have caused “all that within your being that says NO I AM NOT to come flying up into your awareness.

So last night, I knew I wanted to welcome it.I choose to do it, choose to BE the One who receives. There were no difficulties at all. There were a deep tenderness toward all of fear,confusion and pain, and great great gratitude.

Later in the night I woke up, feeling a peculiar inner itching all over – and some relatives’ relationship came into view. After a couple of seconds of hesitation I knew that allowing this to be there – without having any idea about what to do about it  – was all that was requested.

What happened was a clearing of “my” perception to Christ’s Vision.

A cosmic experience started. I saw, in a timeless now, all and everything in my family that were my projections. All of my relatives had played roles I had starred them in, to be showed what was in MY mind. I HAD CREATED THIS, with the Power God has given His Son.

The process was seen as flawless in its perfection: I saw that all the darkness was included, that had to be there for this one – “me”  – to find What was more powerful than that darkness, and identify with That instead. Faces and details of memories/stories were presented, I could smile to everything, laugh at the utter perfection of all the “insane” happenings that made out this magnificent tapestry of imagery and symbols.

“Forgiveness IS the way from the mind to the Heart” said John Mark yesterday.

In my Heart – the One Heart we all share –  is a multitude of Light-beings who just want to share Love for me. They tell me the more I accept and allow, the more Love there is to share.

I now understand why it was just possible to receive just a little the first time I did this – the subconscious knew about the darkness it would bring up. Not  from “my” mind – from the vast collection store-house of insanity in the split mind of the human.

The Miracle came the moment I choose – truly choose to BE THERE as Love for all this denial of Love.

There is so much Joy available in me now



Very early morning, great forgiveness-lesson:

An intense pain in the left sinus-channel  led to a memory of a doctor who rammed a steel pin up this channel to clear the charge of a sinus inflammation. I was maybe 10. He did not bother to use anesthetics. He told me to sit with that pin for 20 minutes -and I went right into the old pattern: “ Do not utter a sound, do not show any sign of discomfort or suffering.”

Deep relief surged through me as I forgave myself for using the doctor to punish myself, and to fortify the old pattern of me as a tortured person. Seeing clearly the enormous power of the mind: The Holy Son of God’s choice for ego as its teacher, and then all the stories being played out in the world, proving that I was a separate being and not Gods Holy Son. Crystal clear I now knew that the thought “I am guilty and must be punished” was there before all the incarnations of my soul – and now, all I had to do, was to forgive this thought that I had ever been separate from my Father in Heaven.

The Love that filled me was all encompassing: I knew my true identity:


The I fell asleep again and dreamed:

I was having dinner with both my mother and father in my own house. My mother and I were embracing: I was about 30 years I guess, she was just a little older. “I love you I love you I love you!” I exclaimed, and she said “me too” – and “you have really changed!” I said” This is how I have always been – behind all the roles I plaid in our family.

The karma between us – GONE

The father – um, there was still a bit of insanity about him – but the crazy kind that I love, that of the unpredictable Trickster. I was preparing sausages for dinner, and gave my father the job of presenting the dish. He put the sausages in a basket – like a nest – adorned with pastel yarn-skeins and M&Ms!


I put the day in God’s hands, and was led in a beautiful flow, always in the moment. I wrote a new chapter of the Hilaryon saga, where I was led to incorporate old stories and poems in this new one, and enjoyed the writing immensely. I posted it – and a few seconds later, I got a “like” from someone following this blog. I went to his blog and read today’s post – called: I AM LOVE

My father’s cupboard

The wonderful wasp remover Day – yes, his name is really Day – arrived today and reported about a big nest inside the cupboard on the veranda. He took care of the gas extermination of the community inside the cupboard and told me that the ones who were out looking for food would die when they entered the nest.

It was then that I noticed yet another nice symbol: that cupboard is made by my abusive father. These wasps/poisonous stingers/ lives in his space that he made.

And now Day has removed their nest and i will certainly throw that cupboard away. I am willing to part with all the beliefs in fear,insanity and attack that he shared with me, and that I now see as ideas in the mind only.

What is real is Love – the very Space all this is seen to arise in –

I forgive myself for still wanting this dream, and notice how wondrous the results are as soon as I go back to the mind and am willing to change my beliefs and thoughts.

And I don’t need to change them – that’s the sweetness of it – just give that little willingness to have it changed for me by the Love in my mind.

I notice more clearly how, when I seem to see an obnoxious person, or instantly judge somebody in the media, that I am inside my old warped perception, coming from fear – and the minute I am willing to see this person differently, Love wells up inside and I recognize that I am in my own dream.

The blubb

After my husband died and I was alone with my daughter, I often noticed a strange phenomenon:  suddenly there was  a distinct disturbance between us – like a big amorphous blubb (its not in the dictionary). We saw each other through this blubb-veil – and the perception was so altered that I pretty soon detected something fishy. Thanks to the very radiation from this blubb, there was no doubt that this was an energy-gestalt – or thought-form – that warped whatever we looked at through it.

As soon as I realized this I pointed it out to my child – she was about 13 when I first noticed it – and then, when we both dis-identified from it and sent light through it, it was gone in a second.

My daughter was the recipient of strong projections all through her childhood until I started to remember and could take responsibility for dealing with the atrocious pain in my mind. Since I was grossly abused from I was born, all the baby-feelings and fear that were split off now had a baby to attach to.

And all of this disowned energy- constantly denied and disowned  -(she of course denied it too: it was nobody in her family who at that time was healthy enough to deal with it  in a loving way ) bundled into a big blubb – and whenever we failed to see each other freely with love, the blubb was there between us.

When I saw it with clear seeing the first time, it has grown big and obnoxious from being constantly demonized.

Sending light into it had the effect of dispersing it – it showed that both she and I wanted to see each other with love and not hate. This intention melted it.

Looking at the blubb now, I feel gratitude. This “something” that was created etherically through my intense denial as child saved me from realizing the level of insanity in the family – I could grow up and place all the terror in this dissociated blubb – and then, when I had grown up and had gained  the adequate maturity, I could use what was in my mind to see through the archetypes of fear, learn to recognize them, and use this knowledge to help my patients see through their immense pain and find That inside Which embraces it all.

The book is now available in Kindle-e-book – and I am awaiting the first printed proof in 3 days or so.

Nothing is wasted


Being with the root-fear today …

I was Skyping with Kit, after a long summer-pause. I was sharing the wish to “turn the lantern” at the very root of my perception that it is dangerous to be me and have a WILL. This is a part in a great online self-awareness workshop I am taking: 2baware by Ido Lanuel.

So I am taking it to the very root level: I am afraid that it is dangerous to BE with Truth – or God. The same. I am afraid of having MY will – and it’s not ego-will I am talking about: I am afraid to have a will AT ALL. The memory of having a will at all – the ability to say no, or show resistance, means certain death. You do not show resistance to an insane person who is attacking you as a baby.This fear is accented by the strong heart-pains described in an earlier post today – which gives me the idea that I am having a heart attack/may be dying – and of course the ego/body is afraid of that.

But the fear is a memory. I am not in danger now.

The Internet contact is broken – for the 5th time this session. I decide that I WILL have this connection with Kit – and that it is NOT life-threatening. Connection re-established.

I discover that it is not necessary to have contact with the wild terror at the root of these perceptions. I am now sinking down to the place where I know that I must not say a word in order to save my life. The more I eradicate myself, the safer am I.

This is a core belief my soul has had. I sense it filling me completely. And I am Ok with it.

I am filled with the deepest peace. Accepting the fear/belief as just a wrong minded thought, I AM FREE FROM IT.

Holy Spirit, may this deep peace fill up the space my old fear has taken. I don’t need it any longer – and it is NOT keeping me safe by giving me heart-pains – just automatically repeating an old pattern that is out-moded now.

On this level there are no beliefs that I am “wrong” and “have to do things right”  – the ego’s favorite slogans.No wonder that they had such strong roots: I thought I would be killed if I did not “do things right”, that is, conform to insanity.

What an utter and complete opposite of truth I have embraced as “safety.”

Saying no – in another way

I found this night, that what worked yesterday, did not seem to work at all tonight. And suddenly I got why: it feels like my ego is fighting itself – IT is telling itself to stop speaking. That’s why it feels like a huge job: I am fighting myself. but I HAVE perseverance 🙂 YES :::giggles::: and I found something to say that is no work at all:
When I sense the heavy fields of energy, telling me that I am within a story I have made real, I just heard Blue’s voice suggest “And can you allow Love to simply touch that lightly?”
And I said yes of course – and I felt myself melting. And suddenly a sweet insight arose: “I do not need to push myself any longer.” It was a visceral knowing – I have always equated pushing with becoming safe. It is not truth.
Saying No to ego somehow became “work to better myself” – but it seems that all I have to do is ALLOW H.S to sweetly touch whatever comes up.
Saying no somehow meant a judgment to me – and I have an inkling that as I allow stuff to be blessed and touched by Love,I will naturally don’t entertain ego-lies any longer. But for me, easy does it – and with saying “No” it felt like a lot of work, instead of just allowing Love to deal with it.
I had a patient this day – and taught her the same procedure – “could you allow love to touch that lightly?” It was a wonder to see her face melt  –
and we don’t even have to know how, of course – just allow it to be done FOR us –

I also see now, that doing this, I AM saying no to insanity – but not with words and trying 🙂

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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