It can be easy -guest post from Nichola

Last session the message was “it can be easy to let go – it does not have to be a long uphill struggle.”

I like struggles – I am good at them especially when I am losing them because that allows me to be a victim as well as a brave knight at the same time. Actually that last bit didn’t occur to me until today.

When we started last night’s session I was feeling ashamed of myself because I had done my enneagram and discovered that I was a 4 – which meant that I have a deep sense of being defective as well as being prone to self-pity and isolation. Of course I immediately felt extra defective and was also feeling quite sorry for myself about that – crying telling Leelah about it – although there was also a strong feeling of light running across my back that told me everything was OK.  The feeling of defectiveness was painful like I was just so worthless – not even ugly or bad just woefully worthless and maybe dirty.

The shame was in my chest and belly and when I looked into it I saw a dungeon with a small window at the top. My father had placed me in the dungeon. I had a feeling he was punishing me for his own sexual feelings towards me or simply for his own sexuality which he repressed and projected onto me. It wasn’t too hard to just let go of that one – give it back to spirit. That’s when we laughed about the idea of a long uphill struggle. I could see that it is possible to let letting go just be easy.

We talked about the victim story being the story of choice because it is better than being the aggressor – in a way the victim is “good” and the aggressor is “bad’. Also, we both have fathers who played that role for us. There are some similarities that allow us to play with it – Leelah described it as something like tossing it to and fro like a ball.

After Leelah’s turn I told her about a synergistic moment I had watching The Simpsons. If you have read the other posts from the last month or so you will appreciate this one. First of all the Simpson family were at the beach at a jelly fish festival. Immediately after that scene, as I was thinking “again with the jellyfish” was a scene where Ned Flanders said “I am as lonely as the empty tomb.”

Last week I posted that I felt that spirit was tapping me on the shoulder. When this happened it felt less like a tap and more like spirit is HITTING ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL!

Blue is playing

Blue – my name for Holy Spirit – is enjoying Itself,playing with Nichola now.

This morning I got this mail from her:(everything printed here from Nic is with her permission)

The first person I saw at the beach today was a woman with long dreadlocks(snakes?) standing in the water. A swimmer was telling her that the water
was full of jellyfish – and it was, for the first time this summer – small ones almostcompletely transparent…

My answer:

oh that is precious, Nic!  How absolutely adorable funny hilarious. We really  need it spelled it out to us –

ah –

just like when you get the 13 empty mails –


I have already forgotten what that was about – do you remember?


It was nine empty emails after the empty tomb – also I thought later that there
are 9 children in my family – so one empty tomb for each hehe


I had a very stressful dream about a young boy demon who harassed me and my friends in obnoxious way. At the end of the dream I decided not to pay attention any longer, and he started to splash huge amounts of  pinkish water on me. I iggnooorrred him

At last he stopped,looking sad. I went over to him and explained that we all hated what he did, and that we would not play with him unless he behaved. Then he surprised me he said “Do you forgive me?”

And automatically I said yes, and he was gone


Now this is a very unusual behavior from the dubies – my nickname of them.Don’t want to strengthen that label anymore! I sat with that for a while after waking up, and suddenly remembered that I once made a drawing of a dubie who had a little girl inside – somebody who believed she was a dubie. I talked a lot with that little girl, and learned that she of course was a projection of everything this little Leelah had to repress and deny when she was small, to stay sane and survive. I truly learned how the dubies were made – and explored it for years in my therapy/healing practice. You will find these investigations and healings in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

Now – at this age, and 22 years after I learned about how the dubies are made – it is truly clear that this “dubie” was a part of “me.” I used the sacred will God shared with me to create him  – and so he was experienced as real.

I want to remember this when/if they return – truly remember – I can welcome them Home through the “window” in the Heart, into the formlessness they came from, and allow a wave of blessings to pour forth from that formless Presence into the world of form and thoughts.

And there is nothing to forgive – nothing serious and bad happened in reality – only in the dream that seems so real

if “he” returns, I will remember that he is a child of mine that I have judged so deeply as to dubying it, and take him back into the Heart.

And tell him that all that happened, happened in a dream and we are OK now:)


I am including a favorite Flashmob: Carmina Burana. I marvel at how wonderful refreshing   it is to see a woman in straw hat play the violin, and cleaners doing ballet – they are all taken out of their roles, costumed in very unconventional ways – how liberating: usual labels of singers and orchestra are screwed up, and I listen as the first time

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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