Age-old Urges in Women

Today I was visiting my doc to talk about my “eating disorder.” As usual, it took quite another direction than I expected. My doc interrupted me – in a very kind and gentle way – and talked about urges in women from eons back – how women, when pregnant, got the strangest urges for what they needed – like soot and dirt. As he spoke, I SAW that the urge I had to fill myself up with something was coming from deep inside the feminine mind – and seeing that, the judgments at myself – and at the urge – started to dissipate. A deep compassion took its place – and a patience for everything women have taken on to carry and live through – and that there is a time for everything, and it seems to be an end-time for this pattern.

I got another gift from my beloved doc: I asked if it was OK to shake hands again – and he took my hand in his BIG one and covered it with his other. It felt like he held a little bird baby there – and it was the first contact I have had with another’s hands since the Pandemic started almost 2 years ago. How wonderful it feels to shake hands

I Know Where I Am Going

For me, this is a song about going Home to Who and What I am – Christ consciousness.

Poetically:

Heaven. God All Love.

When I was very young, I realized that the most trustworthy substitute for the real kind of love was chocolate. The dark variety was called LUNCH. My mother and I LOVED LUNCH and we ate quite a lot of it.

Now, mamma knew that she had to not know what went going on with my father and me, since that would not be acceptable and far from bearable. So when my inner agony screamed out to be heard, I quickly and quietly knew that I could choose to believe it was chocolate I needed – not the real thing. And then she joined me in comforting herself, too. So it was a bonding- a bleak substitute, but the stuff in the dark chocolate is very powerful and stimulated the coveted serotonins almost instantly.

But all my yearning – for warm arms and a lap and just being heard and received and loved and comforted – was squelched. And I started to tell myself that I was unworthy to receive the real kind, and that THIS was given me instead.

It was a clear choice from my soul to perceive chocolate as a power stronger than love – and a trustworthy and effective one as that.

This morning I knew with all of me that I am going to abandon that belief. That belief tells me that I prefer chocolate/ sweet desserts etc. to the REAL thing -the Pure Divine Love that I am.

Realizing this deeply this morning – after one my thousand dreams of not finding the way back Home from whatever country I am dreaming myself into – since Home was chosen to be a substitute when I was small. No wonder I could never find HOME in chocolate.

And non duality – and Jesus/Jeshua – tells me that what I choose to believe, God says yes to – since it is my free will.

It is my free will to think and act and see the consequences, forgive myself and my creations and choose again.

This morning I knew the point of no return has come ( I apologized to the bees and the innocent sugar canes)

I have felt so many times that entitities / parts – of me? live through my energy system- and nourishes themselves – each time I indulge in chocolate/ sweet food – instead of sitting with the yearning to be filled up with LOVE. The REAL thing.

It is all about my power to choose what/who I want to be my true comforter.

I realize that all the time I have comforted me with chocolate and yummy desserts, I have chosen NOT to trust that Love is there FOR ME.

There is nothing wrong with yummy desserts and sugar – but my choice for it as a substitute for Love gives it exactly that power.

I am not willing to think like that anymore –

and I am willing for this to be easier that expected – since I do this with the Holy, not alone

The body and brain has 76 years of addiction to deal with –

but I choose to do this WITH love now

with help from my guides and angels

and the recognition of Christ as my true Source

I am One with God

Since last post, I have felt fatigue in such amount that I thought I was dying. As a metaphor,my bike’s back-wheel punctured – and I need my bike to hold groceries for me, so this brought up great fear.

I decided to buy stuff to fix the wheel and that I would get help with that, if needed.

The fatigue was still tremendous – and in addition, I found that my stomach was not willing to “ digest” anything – I simply could not eat, I was “full to the brim” with stuff not digested. Constant cramps in the legs for holding on to the energy and not allowing it to be grounded. Please help! What are these energies related to?

Immediately my awareness was, as so many times before, brought back to, as a small child, being abused by my father in a “Mr.Hyde”-state of mind – which I successfully dissociated. I remember making a decision to keep this horrible energy he was emanating, INSIDE me – it seemed in some way to be more controllable. And then I taught myself to dissociate too – and I was fabulous at it, so fabulous that only at 38 years old was I able to gradually know what happened to me and allow memories to come up.

I am 76 years old now – deeply committed to bring healing to all of it – and to dissolve any judgment I still have of the demonic stuff and myself. The cramps have allowed me to see that they come from resistance to the old abuser/Nazi-energy of my father in a dissociate state of mind.

As “Dr.Jekyll” he was the best father possible. There was a complete wall/ split between the two states of mind. ***

 

Now, to this glorious night:

I had a long dream where I travel desolated winter roads on foot. In a desolated wasted house, there are cut-off heads lying around, I try my best to not look upon them – but I HAVE TO – I must allow this fear to be felt in my solar plexus –so I allow it  – I LOOK.

Then the Police arrives 😊 they take care of it and remove the heads. When I wake up, there is still an echo of the agony in solar plexus.

Then I am in my last apartment – and I have signed up to be the protector and carer for a baby that I am not the mother to – she has gone somewhere. It has been given me to take care of. I am holding it –  it is in fact only a HEAD that I am holding – simultaneously an adult man’s head, and the head of a one-year old baby. I look at it with tremendous tenderness. At first, the man has the eyes closed – then opens them – and there is no life or soul in them – just distance. Then he sees me and awakens – and the radiance of his smile is dazzling. It is the smile of Christ.

Then as baby, he awakens too and sees me – an indescribable joy arises in us both. All is radiance.

I realize as awake that the tremendous cramps I have had for years come from demonizing that energy – for defending against it with all my might. And little Leelah had to do that of course – but the adult me has chosen to see it with Love and let go of it. Just energy now – unjudged, unburdened –

I invite the Legions of Light to tend to it in what way is most loving. I hear “ You just had to be willing to SEE and FEEL it through in all its gory details – and this time forgive the judgments about it, darling.”

Writing this, the Firefox-image started to flash and Microsoft demanded my “superpassword.” I wrote it in – (and become aware – what is my TRUE password that unlocks the blocks to anything?)

My superpassword is “I am One with God.”

And please substitute “God” with Holy, Christ, Universe, Buddha nature, whatever is YOUR word for It.

 

***I have described this clearly in  my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” And also all the ways I and my patients through 25 years worked with these issues, playfully and with deep compassion. Those maps for healing are in the book.

 

 

Belonging

Yesterday a deep ache started in the right side of the ribcage. I listened to it; it gradually grew to very painful. I told it I was here, listening, and was grateful that it communicated with me. It abated a little. I asked if it would give me an image. It was ugly and dark – and in my training I experience that darkness comes from judgment. When I sensed into it, it felt age-old, a beast with scales and warts – homeless, cast out, not belonging to a tribe.

I started to bless it in its opposite qualities: – I bless you in your feeling of safety, being a part of a tribe, being respected.

it abated enough for me to realize it has let down its guard – and that it may take a while.

But in bed it came to me – “Do the Core Transformation-process with it.”

The CTP goes like this:

  1. We know the hurting part has a positive outcome for us – we ask what the Part /P wants to accomplish with this pain. Answer: To be noticed and accepted fully.
  2. Q; Thank you! Please step into that feeling ( giving time) If you had that, fully and completely – through having that, what is it that you want more, that is even more important?
  3. A: to be part of a big group – and feeling safe there

For each round, the hurting part got closer to its innermost need – to be part of a group/ tribe and BELONG to it – seen, loved,respected.

The last 2 years, this has been denied us

The part at last stepped into the feeling of being an intimate member of a group – indispensable, trustworthy, loved, respected – and when I asked what may be even deeper and more important than that, a huge Light field came moving in from the left and the part just melted into it.

Long pause. The Divine Light felt indescribable. And it let me understand that being, existing in this Light gave it all it wanted – since everybody already existed within that Light.

It took a deep breath and dissolved.

No more pain.

As therapist and healer, I love this method – you don’t have to “go back to the trauma and feel it fully” anymore – therapy and healing today is much more about energy than a “me” that is traumatized.

This method is super simple, and the victim aspect has simply vanished. I can never really know of something belongs to “me” or if a chunk of the collective mind is coming through me to be seen ,accepted, loved and released – anyway, I feel relieved and grounded. I am here to meet it with love and not judgment. For sure not condoning the acts – but realizing that cruelty is a twisted way of asking for help. And there are thousand ways to be there with HEART and asking for help to see the act and person with eyes of love.

Compassion

Photo by Peter Bowers

Recently I have been “visited” by invisible beings – being grabbed, hearing voices and simultaneously, having received info from the Universe related to these occurrences, to help me dis-identify with it. The information from Love was instant this morning. I was led to go to my mail, and then click on a link to an old mail – and this in italics below was what I had told somebody else LONG time ago – I have forgotten I even wrote it! What a marvelous process I am in – I truly have judged myself for being trapped in this – and right now, the answer is RIGHT here in front of me:

“Dearest Kathleen,the hopelessness your post conveys  can be held in the heart – like you hold a terrified child. Just sitting with it, allowing it to come back to itself, by being willing to just be with it.
Doing this – simply breathing in the belly – prepares the way for letting the identification with the ego go, so you can just observe it and give it over to Holy Spirit. As long as you’re so identified with it as now – the ego wanting to be crucified – you forget that these are not YOUR thoughts that you think with God – it is only ego doing what ego does.
When I am where you are now, this ALWAYS breaks the identification with ego. And what a release it is to wake up and recognize that these thoughts are not true – and that they are there now,  just as a reminder for you: – believe in them or not.
And you know, this might be invisible for you – but it is clear to me, the reader of your mail: the judgment you give yourself for still being trapped in this. Have mercy for yourself, Kathleen.

Warm hugs, Leelah

-And this feedback came too, from Facebook:

You must be consciously aware of what you tell yourself is true every moment of the day, for that is the reality that you project outward. Seth

I read all Seth books more than 30 years ago.

And I found this ( received it yesterday from Educare Unlearning:)

If you accept and flow with whatever is occurring – and respond intuitively  with what arises from your still mind and authentic heart – you open to the simple joy of uninterrupted being.

So now, putting my warm shawl on, sitting with it with deep compassion – it all comes to be seen with love and released with love

and then I am in that perfect peaceful Place with that boat without oars on silent waters

Cramps of Self Judgment

I am sitting here crying of release – since such a ginormous breakthrough just happened.

I have had strong recurrent leg cramps for about 20 years – and accepted that it was part of getting older.

Not so!

I  have had an incessant bitter, vengeful complaining going on – how unfair life is, God is a devil who allows me to go through all the horrors – or: he doesn’t care about me obviously – so I there must be something WRONG about me-

The thing is, as a “spiritual seeker” I have automatically judged myself for all this ranting – Oh, I should know better etc etc etc .

And today, as my leg bent in scary ways and I screamed for help and it did not abate, a soft insight started to grow: this is not YOU – it is A PART OF YOU.

The second the identification with suffering let go, a strong flow of warmth and relaxation flowed into my tortured legs, and the cramps were simply non-existent.

Which part, God?

This is all the ranting belonging the metaphorical girl who went through “the hole in the ice”*** – and who never was allowed ( by others, but most by yourself, Beloved) to express her pain and needs to be comforted. In these cramps you (and all the others “out there” who work with these patterns -) have lovingly worked through these collective beliefs of unworthiness, unraveling their structure in the One Mind we all share. We bow to you and everyone like you – you have found many of them recently in the new blogs you are following – like Kathy, Robin, Barbara – emphasizing including and loving all parts of us

I know these thoughts will repeat – they belong to us all – the part of the mind that has forgotten Who they are – but the difference now is that I will not automatically be swallowed up by the pattern. Now it will simply be a reminder to breathe, let go, relax – and feel a deep compassion for the scope of pain this part of the human suffers.

Very simply stated – instead of instant ( subconscious ) self judgment, there will be an invitation to embrace this old collective wound – taking the child up from the  hole in the ice, see yourself carefully warming it in blankets, singing to her is excellent – there are no shoulds in singing,  just a loving frequency meeting the old pattern of self-denial.

*** That girl and boy  is an archetype of suffering in the One Mind we all share. In When Fear Comes Home to Love I explore and describe it clearly in text and poems, images and case-stories, and autobiography.

This is the cover of When Fear Comes Home to Love – where archetypes are explored with case-stories,autobiography, poems and images – and lots of silly-wonderful synchronicities. The Child pictured here in the archetypal child of abuse.

The Place of I Do Not Know

My dreams are always guiding me to those feelings/energies inside that I have in some way judged and denied, and thus strengthened. This night I visited a beloved friend who is a psychiatrist, and  who has shared her  feelings of powerlessness encountering patients in psychosis and chaos. And I visited her in the role of “therapist” – the one who is “supposed to know better.”

Of course I made a mess out of it – even more confusion was made in my dream-efforts of “helping.”

I sensed into the vast space of “I don’t know what to do and I MUST know since I am a therapist” – and saw the chaos this belief holds and creates. I asked for help: open The Way of the Heart” page 56.

It was a BLANK PAGE.

This is the place within that I have abhorred the most – I simply do not know what to do in this situation.

The human solves this with pretending that she knows – giving advise ( which may help or not)

and now I am being shown what Love would do- just sharing what is true for me in that moment:

“I see your absolute terror and agony, I believe I know this feeling well – tell me if I am right: a vast feeling of no control, the fear of having no support from others, the wish to die immediately  – and then the thought that you would go right to hell, since God certainly can’t be trusted to help you – and so there must be something deeply wrong with you.”

Now she is being heard and not judged and preached to. Now she is lifted up – and the feelings have been accepted as normal and shared.

Now we have a shining opportunity: 

In this moment of truth – we don’t know what to do – we offer this state of not- knowing – the blank page –up to Love, God, Infinite Self, Universe or whatever is your term for it. We simply do not know, we stop our futile attempts of control – we surrender.

And in this open space Love will pour in, as we have now made space for it .

Here is a link to Pierre Pradervand’s story about how a band of  Hutus came to an African healer’s house in Rwanda to murder his family – and how they were disarmed by LOVE.***

And below is how A Course in Miracles says it:

I desire this holy instant for myself, that I may share it with my brother/this situation/Name/ whom I love. It is not possible that I can have it without him, or he without me. Yet it is wholly possible for me to share it now. And so I choose this instant as the one to offer to the Holy Spirit, that His blessing may descend on us and keep us both in peace.

***I describe this in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Free Communication

When WordPress  introduced its new block system, and I lost all the old signposts of this well-known virtual landscape, my nervous system went into panic. It told me that I would now lose my ability to express myself fully and share from my heart and creativity. My work consists of finding outer and inner symbols and finding their correspondence inside my physical body and relating lovingly to them there – please see below for further explanation.*

Two days ago  I already had a video session with a great guy. When I asked WP for assistance in a mail, I let all of my desperation hang out, and they were moved by it and gave me a video session for free.But  this great guy immediately  started taking me into the new stuff, and instead of interrupting him and telling him EXACTLY what I needed, I tried to follow and uunnnderstannnd 🙂 -and there I was, prisoning myself in the old patterns and habits of a girl who could not find her voice and share her needs. Now I noticed myself just zonking out, but that WordPress Angel told me he would  see to it that I got yet another session free, with another helper some days later.

I processed the desperate feelings in my body , it took some days actually, I am  thorough  stubborn person –  so one whole day I just wallowed in self pity and ate caramel candies. But today I told Kyle, my newest WordPress angel, what I needed: I needed to be shown precisely what to click to have a visual image on the screen where I could orientate myself  – like in the old WP-modality.

Not only did he give me precisely what I asked for – allowing me to stop him and interrupt him when I needed it – he told me he would send me a video recording with our session ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So now, the inner body tensions literally slid off – I knew I did not HAVE TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT AWAY what I was told.

The memory of  my father screaming “ are you stupid or what! has pushed my mental capacities to try to understand – frantically – instead of trusting God/ the Heart /Universe /  my Self/ All That Is – feel free to call it what is Highest for you. That old horrible imprinted memory is in its healing phase now –  and I can see clearly that he just reacted like HIS father had reacted to him – trying to make me understand, since the mental capacity has been WAY overvalued in our ancestral line. An still is in the patriarchal way of thinking. Look to mr. Trump if you don’t know what patriarchal thinking is.( I have read that he had a similar way of upbringing, bless him!)

And dear readers, I went directly from my Kyle-session to write this post – and remembered enough to find the right blocks to click to make the new vaster WordPress landscape look more familiar. Talking metaphorically, I have cleansed the soil of toxic waste, chopped down dead bushes and trees, helped an old brook to find a new direction and more space, I have invited in the ants and the birds and the necessary insects. I have dedicated the landscape to my Holy Self, my divine creativity and playfulness , and now bunnies and does and birds of all kinds ar moving in – and also foxes and wolves, since they are all needed in the vast cycle of Life.

*Symbols – or As Without, so Within

My PC may scramble and do strange things. Internett is a symbol for our mind – right? That’s where we all hang out. In A Course in Miracles – that I actually teach and am ordained in – there is ONE mind, and we are all parts of it – and we all explore in our seemingly separate lives bits and peaces of it that we still haven’t loved and blessed and forgiven.  I notice these unloved parts in others “without” and find them inside the body – e.g I hate it when people are angry at me – hm, where have a judged ands repressed my own anger?  ” ah, it’s there, in the lungs” and give these bodyparts my love.I use  a simple efficient structure I have learned from Carrie Triffet – it melts, and often I don’t need to repeat and repeat the pattern. I give sessions in this – look under Services. Which is where I will put it after having a late breakfast 🙂

 

The most obnoxious man in the world

I dreamt about him this night – and I am so happy!!! that I now have this energy clear and distinct inside me so I can relate to it with healing instead of my usual full reaction: hate, fear, rage, disgust, terror, judgment, and extreme resistance.

This is truly an archetype of the stalker/abuser who lures children/people to them: they are SO “kind” and SOOO helpful, and you just feel a twitch in your stomach but you are caught in the costume of the little bird being hypnotized by the snake, who hisses: “There you go – yes, YES take a step onto my lovely tounge here SO I CAN SWOLLOW YOU ALIVE!!! ( Evil snake-laughter here.)

Know this once and for all: abusers can “dress up” as incredibly kind and helpful and NICE and even loving. And still, you most probably ALSO felt a signal from inside that was NOT pleasurable. And here is starts – we push our own instincts back to earn love – and we only learn to do that from parents who have learned it too.

Due to indescribable happenings through my first 18 years – and 30 years in my therapy-practice –  I know that ANYBODY with abuse in their story will carry the scars of their own perceptions and repressed memories and images, and they will go on projecting them on everyone they see – until they realize what has happened and WANT to heal and wake up. A Course in Miracles teaches ways to change our perception: we are taught and trained to ask for help by the Holy Spirit ( or any other word you would like – like The Dude or the Buzz that Pam Grout calls it )- since you may agree that the name God carries more baggage that the Chicago Airport ( also a quote by Pam Grout.)

I love the name Holy Spirit, though – since it is easy for me to find that Spirit as the essence of everything alive. And that includes the snake-man: inside is something that cannot be corrupt – something that he has learned and been shown  how to hide and he has learned it from other people who also have learned it.

Well – I did the thing I have been taught to do by The Holy Spirit /Jesus / the Universe/ the Joyful One etc etc – I blessed the image of the dream-man in his original innocence, his childlike joy and playfulness, everything opposite of the disgusting form. I blessed myself in my willingness to see through his form, to find his sacred essence and holiness and recognize it as mine.

Then I went into the living room and found a stack of colored cards  where I the last 30 years have noted truths and beauty, and pulled out this one:

” I will not give you power to scare me anymore.My holiness blesses and releases this pattern from my mind; I have used it to hide form God’s Love. God is not fear, but Love. I deny fear’s hold on me – fear has not the power to take the peace of God away.

Fear has not the power to take the peace of God away that was what I needed to see. Since my human child-experience certainly was that fear was MUCH stronger than God – and that it all meant that there had to be something weird about “me” that these happenings kept happening.

That belief has electromagnetically pulled to me more abuse – and taught me to abuse/devalue myself – as most victims do without blinking an eye.

And it was the mechanisms of all of this that causes me to start my therapy practice in 1988 – “How do we participate in creating this? and what can be done to heal it?”

You will find the results in my three books in the right menu – above all “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

For me and my patients and students, the path goes through play, painting, storytelling, poems, dance – and the forgiveness lets us see everything with new eyes: the perpetrators are really scared-to-death- little children that cry out for love – deep deep down inside.

That does NOT mean that we condone the acts. But when I ask for help to see the inner child of the perpetrator, he WILL pick it up on some level – and MAY feel that first push to stop his crazed behaviour. And I will be freed of MY hatred – which only hurts ME.

When you click on the books, you will get to reviews that can help you find out how others have been affected. I would truly love to share them with you too

 

Looking with Love

When you have made a clear intention of waking up, you will be supported by your own Divine “team” that is always with you. In my team is Jesus/Jeshua, St.Germain, Archangel Michael, Avalokiteshvara, the Marys, Quan Yin and quite som others – all have been involved in guiding me in different ways. There are also some guardians who love to play – and there are few things I enjoy more than strange and hilarious synchronicities that show up. They WILL show up for you too, when you make the clear decision to wake up: I am willing to see things differently, as A Course in Miracles hammers in in the first lessons: I am willing to see with the eyes of love – Christ Vision, Jeshua calls it.

Here is a case-story* where Blue** plays with us:

4 Looking with love / 2006

When Maria arrived for session, I sensed a shock in her system. When I directed her attention to that, she immediately became ice-cold. We found out what year the shock had occurred, and she realized that this was a shock she had picked up from her mother. The shock was lodged in her sexual organs. She remembered that her mother had been very anxious in those years, and that her fear had been about having another baby – she already had three. So she aborted the fourth one.

When we removed the emotional shock-charge, she felt warmth and release, and we both felt grounding and safety.

But Mud***did not like this. “What if this does not last? What if tomorrow everything is like before? I will NOT let down my guard. Nope! You can’t make me!”

Now I asked Maria to speak for the skeptic Mud, and inside me I suddenly found much love for this voice: I saw it as the part of us that vigilantly did what we had ordered it to do: look out for anything that could set off the original dreadful life-threatening shock – going into the familiar role of terrorized victim. So we started with thanking Mud for his love and loyalty for us – and suggested that now that we had found a method that could remove the charge from the shock, Mud could go into pension – or at least get some holidays. “He” thought a bit about that, but was afraid to disappear if he didn’t work as much as before. When I asked him what he really would love to do for himself, if he could chose, he told us that he loved beauty. I invited him, via Maria, out into my garden, to pick one living thing of beauty and bring it back with him. From the door to the garden “he” spotted it immediately: a dandelion. It was one of the not- perfect-ones, but beautiful all the same. Maria picked it and brought it back into the room. When she sat down, I “saw” Maria’s deceased mother pointing to Maria’s black purse on the floor, asking her to look inside. I mentioned it to Maria, and she started looking – nothing – and then a big smile: “Here it is. At the bottom.” She managed to list out a bunch of keys. “These are the keys to my childhood-house.”

Beautiful metaphor: “I have the key to my childhood with me / within me.”

Now I asked Maria to write a short text about her experience with the beauty of the dandelion. She wrote:

“When I look at you – the weed – I see beauty. But I also look at all the weed in my own life, stuff in relationships that is really looking like a mess. All this is beautiful when I look at it with love.”

I thought of Victor Frankl, the great writer who survived concentration-camp by realizing that there is one freedom the despots can never take away from us – the freedom of choosing our attitude. Looking with LOVE – or judgment.

Suddenly Maria exclaims “Look – here is a tiny snail, it came with the flower!” We admire the tiniest snail I ever saw – it looks new-born, its little house still transparent. Its tiny antlers are moving, and it is slowly crawling over Maria’s notes from the session. Now it stopped – I wonder what word it has stopped by – it is “beauty.” Good choice for a resting place. There it moves on – away from beauty – but no, it changes its mind and crawls back to beauty. And pulls the antlers in (2mm long) and sleeps.

This is what we call “beauty-sleep.” (Couldn’t resist).

***********

 

*Case story from “When Fear Comes Home to Love”, see right menu

** Blue – my inner guide through out 30 years who guided me in the process of writing “When fear Comes Home to Love.”

***Mud = Mudmonster: a deep and painful defense-mechanism , painting the devil on the wall

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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