Colorgobbling

How powerful words are – and images!

Kit talked today about two ways looking at things/situations:

  1. The judging look –  aka the character ” The Colorgobbler” by Tor Åge Bringsværd,  in the drama ” The Country Where Everything was Different.” I have never heard a better way to describe what judgment really does – with people and their souls. I designed costumes to that play 35 years ago – and only today was I, with Kit’s playful help, able to expand my vision and see the color-gobbling/sucking aspect of judgment. And what a help that is, to stop this automatic inner judge most of us have.

2)The playful look: the clown, the poet, the fool.

If you want to play with sitting with both alternatives, you will sense the energetic effect I am sure

*******

This silly playful poem came through me yesterday:

On the beach

Would you be willing to be
a beach to me he said…
strewn with striped parasols and little huts
with yellow mats
and  azure blue water

I might, she said,if you are willing to
be the fresh towel and the lavender soap
in the hut
and the shower with freshwater
outside it

we looked at each other
we liked the answers
the sun shone in perfect strength
our bathing suits were new
the wind was perfectly gentle

and since we were in the tropics
the night just exploded on us

there were fireflies
but we were nowhere to be found

 

Mirrored by my cat

The more I do the STT,* the deeper and more primal the results. And my dreams go right to the basics. This morning I awoke after dreaming about my (deceased) cat Cleo.She came from behind and expected food, which I had ready for her.
When I awoke, I asked what this is about – what does she mirror for me?

Cleo was rejected from her mother as very small – 4 weeks. She was denied nourishment, just like I was – as 4 years old, my mother “died”for me : after a group rape in a wood when I returned, it was not allowed to talk about it – and so there were signals that this did NOT happened – there were no comfort,support,validation – just the underlying message that “there is no place for your feelings.”

There must have been hundreds beliefs and conclusions forming to help me cope and survive – and hatred was certainly one of them – hatred is active. So I hated my mother first – and since that was not a valid solution, I turned the hatred on me – and THEN I repressed it and denied it.

I saw clearly this morning where all the psychic attacks has come from – this hidden hatred at Self has invited in it – the frequency of the hatred naturally attracted more of same frequency.

So back to Cleo – the first week, each morning, she climbed my lap and for about ten minuted she talked to me with her voice, and then jumped down.

Then she started her teachings: when my daughter and I sat in the sofa, Cleo jumped up on the top of the sofa behind us, and hissed and put her claws in our necks. I asked myself that time what that mirrored, and saw that she mirrored my anger – but i did not realize then that it mirrored my unconscious anger at my daughter. The repressed anger I had for my mother I now projected at my daughter: I hated her for not being a mother to me, for forcing ME to BE a mother, when I felt like a four-year old. All of this was repressed of course.

After 7 months Cleo got pregnant with 4 kittens. We kept one – and from day one Cleo hated that daughter. She never would be patted, she never sat on our lap, for as long as her daughter lived. She was mean as hell all those years.When her daughter died, 13 years later, Cleo instantly claimed her place again – now she was the ONLY one. After 13 years we were allowed to pet her and hold her.

I did a STT on that inner four-year old haterer, who lived in the bladder. When she  – that inner part of me – saw how Cleo had mirrored her own hatred and wish to be prioritized, the dams of anger broke,and when I honored her deeply for holding on to all of that, the dams of tears broke. After 68 years I truly embraced that 4 year old with her immense hatred -all judgments GONE.

There were angels around us then and for as long as the STT lasted, and she saw that the LOVE was stronger than the hate.

I realized how much that hidden hatred had attracted more abuse,and dark visitors and demonic material. And working and exploring that for 25 years with my clients and myself, led to me writing  When Fear Comes Home to Love, in the right menu.

The dream and the work with it  – and STT this morning –  is a great conclusion of this work: It is not the hatred in itself that creates “the evil” and the dark attacks – it is our judgments at the hatred, the shame, the feelings of unworthiness it creates – and our identification with these feelings. Merging is a good word.

 

  • Spontaneous Transformation Technique

To be or not to be – judgment or freedom

Yesterday I had the most beautiful session I ever have experienced – with David Youngblood.

And in the night, when I started to feel bad again, I did not realize that JUDGMENT had sneaked in and did it best to push me back in to the old identity  of agony and victimhood.

It has been very helpful for me that judgment did that: Now I truly see the power it has to warp my perception, to send me into hell and false identity

-as long as it goes unnoticed!

But here I am, sharing about it: all is well. I was nudged to go on Facebook. Judgment told me this was NOT good, I was wasting my life. And sometime I really waste a lot of time going there. But not so NOW:

My best friend at Facebook posted this:

What happens when, just for a moment, we stay with our pain, our fear, our doubt, our discomfort, our grief, our broken heart, even our numbness, without trying to change it, or fix it, or numb ourselves to it, or get rid of it in any way? What happens when, even when we feel like leaving, abandoning the moment for the promise of a future salvation, we stay, sitting with the raw, unfiltered, boundlessly alive life-energy that is simply trying to express right now? What happens when, just for a moment, despite all urges to the contrary, we don’t “do” anything about our discomfort or grief, we drop all tricks and tactics and clever manipulations, and instead, begin to deeply acknowledge what is here, honouring it, listening to its deeper call, sinking into the mystery of it? What happens when we make the radical commitment to never turn away from this moment, as it dances in emptiness?* Jeff Foster

And I immediately recognized the old habit of judgment.
I was instantly back in track and allowed my LOVE to transform all that strange energy NOW

It was just a simple reminder – and what a lesson about the effect on the mind judging, and how screwed up I felt!

The realization is:What I am feeling NOW is exactly what I am asked to bless, sit with forgive. Receive, so my LOVE can transform it FOR me and THROUGH me

Thank you God!

Inner sculptures

Later yesterday I read more in my old journal in my Expressive Arts Therapy training –  29 years old – and found an exercise that used bodies/persons to sculpt inner feelings.

We were told to find an “inner sculpture” for “me.” I saw a person who knows “I am holy” and a dark being who point his tongue at that person – and a little child who sits close to them and want to be seen and held – an in front of this sits “Nirvana”.

She is present always. All is well. All is allowed.

And I saw that what that person in yesterday’s blog thought she needed, and that manifested as that “dark figure”, ridiculing the Holy – was that Boo-boo’er.

And that it all was all right – as it was

I am eternal Spirit – whole and complete and innocent. I have a bodily experience where my soul has chosen a scenario to explore – in order to learn to see through it to the shining Source at the center. Only when I have stopped judging the feelings can I see that what seems to happen happens in a dream – and that I, as Spirit, is the dreamer.

All I want is to wake up and truly KNOW myself as LOVE. As I get closer, all the old wounds open up for me to see them and see through them to the LOVE behind. In the night I could so lovingly see through the huge amount of self-hatred in  my soul – for not being perfect, for not being as “others” wanted me. And I saw that behind any dark  and violent feeling and act, there was an innocent yearning and need to be loved. Just held.

My daughter has played out all what I needed. She has been my greatest teacher. When she was small, and I was taking all my trainings and learning a lot, I remember I wanted to demonstrate EFT on her. She vehemently protested.

This night I saw why: she wanted me, not a “method.” She wanted nothing between her mother’s love and herself. She wanted to be held, and to be told that she was perfect the way she was, and that I loved her exactly as she was. And that I saw the truth in her and about her. She wanted me to express this with all of me, so she could believe this about herself.

And so I saw that the hatred we both had – to our parents and ourselves – came from innocence: we made a wrong conclusion that we were wrong, at fault, when our parents were crazy. We judged ourselves for needing comfort and love. We told ourselves that it was wrong and not possible, and that the only way out – that our parents demonstrated so perfectly – was to be hard on ourselves and trying to “better” ourselves and never complain – or need anything. Any inner need had to be met with hatred to kill it, anesthetized it.

I sat with this energy that I have judged for eons until it lightened – and asked Holy Spirit to replace my wrong-minded perception with His .

The dark boo-booer tried to intervene. I discovered that I didn’t want to be hard on myself any longer – no value in it. The silence that came was beautiful.

I recognize it is a habit, and that I need to be vigilant when “he” is there again to “save me” from hoping and open to love and being tricked and crushed. That is the old story – and I am free to choose again: each time he comes, is a new opportunity to choose LOVE instead

 

TRUST

About a week ago, a neighbor living across my house told me that our newly rehabilitated roof had a lot of water on it. A LOT. The new drains were obviously clogged. Another neighbor climbed up and had to dismantle the drain-filter, and removed what looked like a bunch of leaves  – and I went bananas. I went right into the old pattern of disaster, and will spare you all the scenarios that I made that “proved” to me that the situation was lethal.

I mailed the leader of the building firm with a complaint. No answer. I called, he told me he would look into it. Another neighbor delivered a complaint too.

Next day another yet another neighbor told me that he had seen the photo of the clog – and it was in fact not leaves, but “noses” from Maplewood.

When I was a child, we used to attach these seed to our noses.

Maple Seed

*

This was a symbol; somebody was thumbing their nose at me. Hm. That sounded like Blue – or Life. Or “my” process. That meant that this possible yearly clogging was season-conditioned, just a week or so.

The firm leader mailed us back and told us we had no case.

“TRUST”I heard,  but I was back in convincing disaster mode – lost in spinning scenarios about how to “stand up to him, find a lawyer to have my “right” and all that fuss. I knew I was caught, but could not seem to free myself.

Another neighbor mailed him “ how irresponsible!”

I sensed I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to win any longer.  I didn’t want to act out of that separated state of mind.And I prayed for help to see the situation  – and his behaviour -differently…

Then I saw this photo by Ruby Julian on Facebook:

RUBY13235587_634765590014109_2288927018561585728_o - Kopi

I was instantly transported into bliss. This is a Tortoise, perched on a rock, stretching its head toward the sky – and for me, the atmosphere in the image is one of melting in to Oneness. Gravity seems to be suspended –  the animal balances between heaven and earth, and its reflection is crystal clear in the clear water.

In the shower ( where so many wonder-shifts happen) I KNEW: I do not want to see the leader like  an antagonist. I knew he answered as he had because of something that had happened to him that made him stressed – and that this was not his true self.

I remembered how kind and patient he had been all the times I called him – and how he always had fixed things I did not like, fixed it so it was even better that before. I knew  by his voice and manner that he loved his work – and this love and respect was reflected in his workers, who were like him – courteous, kind, excellent workers enjoying themselves.

So I wrote him a mail, describing how I had experienced him – knowing that what he wanted, was that all of us were pleased and content with the result. Himself included.

And sending it, I KNEW that all is well, whatever seem to happen.

No disaster mode.

I had a  Skype sharing with Kit right after this, and found the terrified inner child who thought it was safe to be scared – it was a protection against being shocked, by being prepared of the worst. Kit listened while I talked to the child -“ I love you so much, I so understand why you think it is safe to expect the worst. You don’t need to be afraid any more – but it’s OK, if you choose it.”

Big release: how wonderful it was to hear that being scared was a choice – and that there was no judgment about it.

Our Skype session ended. In the last seconds, Kit exclaims, “Right now outside my window is a waterfall of noses – they spin to the ground! And there is a man with a high-pressure hose!”

TRUST

I can TRUST the process

I CAN TRUST the process. There may be dreadful energies/feelings in-between – but I will always find back to the state of utter surrender that the Tortoise expresses.

And the automatic judgment of those scared feelings and that disaster-prone child has gone

 

 

 

 

 

BLESSINGS

Yesterday I prayed to find the blocks between me and finding my desires.  They were many and mean and I asked for help, and was lead to this note in my latest wise-quotes-book

“I cannot heal what I first haven’t embraced and forgiven. This is not the same as condoning it – it is saying YES to being with the energy of it. I have to KNOW it as such – as energy –without judging it as energy – in order to be able to bless it and embrace it and THEN let it go.”

With help of Jesus, through the deep guilt that permeated me, I was led to see – I was shown –that everything I did in the past, I had been doing it to mySelf. Now this was known and not only accepted as an axiom.

In  the night, after praying intensely for help to see a horrible memory differently, I was shown that  the kittens, trees, children and scary adults of my scary memory were made of the exact same substance – LOVE.

This time I witnessed it, clear as LIGHT.

And for the first time I could truly get what Jesus says in the Course and Way of Mastery: ” You are doing it to your Self.”

I looked around and found LOVE appearing as table, PC, hands, person in red morning coat, body, red lamp, water bottle, window, blue sky, clouds.

Magnificent illusion.

Now Jesus is nudging me to mention Pierre Pradervand’s book “The Gentle Art of Blessing.” In it, he mentions a story a friend of him told him from the civil war in Rwanda. Pierre has allowed me to share this wherever I want. You are free to do so too, as long as you give full credits to Pradervand and his book.

His friend was an African spiritual healer. “One night, around two in the morning,…an armed band entered my home.—They were armed with guns and bayonets, I was armed with Truth And Love. As they pointed their weapons to menace me, a thought came to me in a flash, immediately dispelling the fear, which was attempting to invade my thought. Love and Life are indestructible and permanent. I am the idea of Life, God, indestructible in Life, permanent in my being! There is only Life, God, which remains undivided, not two or more lives, This infinite Life is the life of these so-called killers, my life and that of my family.

–.”When at one moment one of his daughters started crying, the head of the band gave the order to kill her. Without even pronouncing a word out loud, the healer immediately affirmed that the man who had received the order to kill was the perfect child of divine Love. “The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.” Immediately, the man who had already raised his bayonet to pierce the girl interrupted his gesture.”

I leave out bits of the story here – this book is a HUGE gift and you might just want to read it.

–“After working spiritually for about thirty minutes, these men became very calm, as is feeling the love we reflected. The chief called them and they left the room. This gave me time to affirm still more forcefully absolute truths about the perfect man of God’s creation.

Once back in the room, these men were transformed. They had become new persons. Even their language had completely changed. They were disarmed and friendly, and started to confess the crimes they had committed. They stayed at our home for two hours. No one was hurt, everybody was safe and sound.”

*

“The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.”

*

 

 

The false foundation

Jeshua, in Way of Mastery, points out to his students, that everyone of us has “signed up for this(whatever happens)” – and that the steps we are to take are already lined up for us. Meaning – I can trust that I am supported in whatever I seem to go through.

Now, I frequently seem to forget this – I am lost in an addiction to earlier insanity. That sounds insane, doesn’t it 🙂  But listen – here it is: there were some 20-25 years with psychotic episodes in my early life.

Disclaimer:And this is in no way meant as an instruction for others – this is just MY perception of what is healing for me. If you resonate, good, if not, please chuck it out the window.

In WOM, Jeshua’s deepening Course after A Course in Miracles, we are trained to befriend earlier energy fields that we before have identified with and denied/condemned – to open our arms to them, and recognize that we created them out of confusion and fear – and then believing that those levels of consciousness  constituted our true identity. Opening up to them, we discover that the “rules” we have lived by and have identified with “me” and “mine”, all rest on false ideas – for ex. the one I found today with Kit: the belief that what we feel is “too small” to be worthy of attention.  When that belief is given validity, the effects from it spread outwards and often turn  into attack on others, some kind of violence – all signs of that original false belief that what I have perceived as hurt is not “enough” to deserve comfort.

What a brutal attack this is on our Self. And yet, how innocent: it builds on a false idea, that society  supports us in adopting i: that we are not really worthy – that we need to be “reformed” in some way.

The energy from those psychotic episodes is now calling to arise and be forgiven – for me to simply BE with, bless, learning to see as neutral.

Last night I had forgotten that the energies coming up were a gift to be embraced – I thought I was under psychic attack again, and tried for my bare life to find something to do – “the right thing” that would heal the energies. But today I recognize, with Kit, that this is the addiction Jeshua is talking about: the addiction to this old identity as the insane/psychotic child and youth.  And: that to be addicted to something means that we try to support it and help it to stay the way it is – since we think this is US: this sufferer with this story is who I am.

Then of course our psyche does its very best to confirm this false belief – which is nothing else than a belief in a story built of false perception, built on what we told ourselves at that time of hurt.

THAT story forms our life – NOT the behavior from others, but what WE think it means about us -and therefore all the rules about what we deserve or not.

Talking to Kit now, my eyes and mind are opened and I recognize the insanity-energies as just earlier intensely condemned stuff  now coming up to be allowed and released. And a vital element is added: in order to be able to NOT be sucked into the old story again, and feed the energy with thoughts about how dreadful this is – I simply can, as Kit is suggesting, say: “What can I give myself now, when it hurts so much?”

Well – I can sit up in bed. Change my perception and position. I can drink water. I can pull a soft shawl around me. And so the situation that before was seen as “solution-searching from a frantic mind” now turns into simply being with: – witnessing, listening to the old story from the child, and staying in truth. This calls for TRUST in the situation: this is just a part of the path to awakening – and I decide if it will be horrible or healing.

So very simple. And how truly complicated we make it  by believing in the thoughts we told ourselves – the thoughts that were the foundation of the story of us.

 

 

Transformation

I write this blog because I am certain that what I explore and examine may benefit others. The root of pain – and how to relate to it with LOVE so it transforms – that is good stuff I think:) And today I want to share how old pain from generations back can be transferred to others. Us.

This night I again wanted to relate to the long-time source of pain in the chest-lung-area. When I cough now, it sounds like there is a huge echo-hall inside there.

So I thought – innocence! It needs innocence! And I “put” innocence in there – and it was not received. Super-strong resistance. And sitting with that, it became clear for me that of course GUILT cannot stand INNOCENCE.

Guilt calls for punishment – for perfection – CONTROL and clever pleasing behaviour. A Course in Miracles teaches that original guilt comes from the moment in the One Mind where the Son of God decided enter  the  experiment of separation – and arose in that indescribably horrible moment where we thought that God was now our adversary.

But God has not changed Her way on being unconditional eternal love, and I am still in my true nature as  He has created me

So -is it true that I am guilty?

I have certainly done a lot of hurtful thoughtless  behaviour in the separated state of mind. But am I guilty?

No – I still am as I always was and am – eternal, unharmed, all-loving. Aligning with this, I know I am innocent

So – The Course also teaches that I /my soul have chosen to experience everything I experience – included the pain in the chest.

How can I look at that differently now – with love and curiosity, instead of judgment?

I put a loving hand on my heart and close my eyes.

“Do you need something?”

It is Mother’s face I see there -( she died 40 years ago) right in the middle of the pain. And it is HER guilt I picked up, and it still nests there – begging me find all my grievances and let them go.

Now, with the Course practices, that relationship would have been quite different

And I saw that I needed to forgive myself for my creation of  all the stories of the world where love seems to be excluded. I chose to experience all of it, as soul, to find out how far away from God’s love I could come and STILL find Love.

Writing that now, I start to giggle – cause finding that out, from an extremely dark place, is what my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is all about.

Blue nudges me to open the book at random now.

Page 91: ( this is a description from a session with a man who just had got gout – and we found that it originated in my client’s grandfather, and his strong and fearful experience at his grandfather’s deathbed, when my client sensed that something “dark” was transferred from his grandfather to him. In the book, we explored how LOVE healed it all.)

“How did the pain come into being?”

“It started yesterday… it swelled, it is kind of an inflammation…. I have had this once before, and the doctor said it was gout… it is a bit embarrassing, gout is what older men may get In this moment I recognize and connect the energy to Eric’s grandfather. He died thirty years ago, but in Eric’s’ mind and soul his memory has still a strong effect, and carries with it a sense of horror that makes Eric split off a part of himself.

“Eric – when you speak about the pain in the foot, I get in touch with the energy from your grandfather. Could this pain have something to do with him?”

“I feel cold shivers down my spine!”

Shall we look closer into this?”

“Yes. I want that.”

*

Blue also points me to another place in my book – a reminder: ( this is written in 1992:)

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

The big split

Last night I asked the Christ Council to help me see WHY I(the soul) have wanted to create these inner attacks. I got  a dream – and a “first” experience ever in the morning.

The dream: I spotted a young girl, ca 17 years or so, who put a roll of papers into my gutter. Now no water could  flow out – big block there.  When I asked her what the hell she was doing, she innocently looked at me and told me that these was her stories, her treasure, and she had to protect it from being found and misused.

I woke up and burst in tears at the familiar feeling of being used as a container for others’ stuff – and that their stuff blocked the release of water/feelings. It did not prevent me from feeling them – but from letting go of them. I asked for help again, and saw the child-part that I had dissociated from – she was living in quite another place, and I saw that because of her believe in her own guilt, other entities/spirits had – with her consent – “moved in” with her, as her “family” – she thought of them as people worthy to listen to advise from, since they had told her they “protected” her. And the opposite was of course the truth.

It was this part of me that was having that dream. And CC told me that my soul wanted strongly to heal this split between the Leelah who frequently knows that she is Spirit, one with God – and this girl who was split off during more than 20 years, due to ongoing traumatic experiences.

As I sat in bed,wide awake, I felt a strong wish to be close to her, and suddenly I was inside the dream again – with “the neighbor-girl.” One second I was wide awake in bed – and next second I was back in the dream-environment. And then again, after just some seconds – actually, there was no feeling of time at all –I was back in bed – realizing that I had just been WITH the split-off part of me

It felt weird and wonderful to have experienced this change in location  – the energy there was completely different from my daily sense of “me.” And there was also no time-lapse between the two me’s – I was just there, as awareness,sensing the unfamiliar energy that is her home.

And with this experience it is easier for me to not identify with those feelings anymore – I know it is SHE who hates them, and then I can embrace her 🙂 and I know that some of the most poisonous stuff comes from a part close to her who has a lot of “drunkenness” about their energy field- I do not need to take it “personal”, and it is certainly a possibility to include in my love = no judgement.

 

LOVE

This morning I had a webcast with a teacher who channels the Christ Council – Israel Ahn’ Asha.

We were invited into breathing and connecting with each other, and suddenly some words sprung out to me, like written with fire: whatever you think, you are loved

meaning – whatever you think, you are loved thinking that(in this moment)

acting like that – judging like that – talking like that

truly seeing that that LOVE that is my Source allows all my expressions

The God that I love allows all

and allows all to be embraced by love,

even my “bad memories” – actions – thoughts

*

At first this was just thought – and then I was prompted from inside to allow this to be true and FELT and bodily experienced

and that was when the fun started

It feels like a huge bottlebrush is working me inside – I almost throw up, yawn, hiccup,sweat,

then i lose contact with it and then another thought of should not-comes – self criticism, critic of others – and at exactly the same time, this new thought comes again:

you are loved WITH that thought – resistance – judgment

this is nothing I “need” to practice or remember –

it just is turned on 🙂

I am reminded of the Course, where Jesus tells us that  as soon as that first thought of separation from God happened, He at once introduced the correction –

Now I am experiencing that very correction each and every time my mind wanders into the familiar forests of separation

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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