More door-bell signals

I was working with my tax form, and sensed a panic arising. The door-bell sounded. AHA! Door-bell = ALARM…there is an alarm-energy in me when it comes to being “accountable” and PERFECT and trustworthy for the authorities, or else I will be put in jail ( believes little Leelah.)  Make no mistakes, in other words!

When the bell sounds, I immediately sense the alarm AS energy. I am fully present for it, and it is sheer heaven!

I enjoy it fully, and then go back to my account. – Within 5 seconds, the bell sounds again!

Showing me how strong that “going into alarm-habit” is.

This time I put the papers away and just SIT with it.

Went for a long walk, and the release was there all the time

 

 

God is Playing

This is what I call these nudges and “coincidences” that constantly push me in the direction of awakening.

Outside of this path in the wood it is icy and slippery surface. I have crampons strapped on my boots. In my language, crampons and “sting” means the same – as in “Death, where is thy sting?”

Readers will probably have noticed that I live and am constantly nudged into awakening by my Higher Self, which I call Blue – by symbols and metaphors.

These happened today – after I had fully surrendered control to the Self Who know the Plan and has all the cards and knows all the steps in their perfect timing.

I stand in the dark wood, taking photos of dark and light – I am fascinated at the light I can see right outside the wood, shining in through trees standing very close.

Right in front of me the sun is shining in from my left, creating a shining path of Light. My heart starts to beat hard, a sign to pay attention. I know that stepping inside that path of light will feel blissful.

This is how it looks, right before I step into it.

(I have an mp3 player on, playing a podcast from a comedian.)

entrance-to-gloria

The comedian introduces a female group who sings a Christmas Psalm. The moment I step into that light, they sing: Gloria in Excelsis Deo and repeat in long enough until I become truly aware of the synchronicity.

Next photo:gloria-in-excelcis-deo

Here I am one step away.

And here I turn toward the sun and become aware of the Gloria, being repeated and sung again and again.

looking-right-into-gloria

Time disappears.

Then I walk on, and soon discover that I have lost my crampon on the right foot – or, as I would call it: the “sting.” When I search for sentences with “sting”, I find, ” Death, where is Thy sting?”

I decide to walk back until i find it. I don’t find it, and return to the shining light path. Right there – where I stood – lies my “sting.” It is of thick rubber with metal crampons/stings-it is very surprising that it can come off by itself at a place where I just stood still.

After some steps I realize that I lost my “sting” exactly in the place where I left the dark and entered the Light, knowing it was sacred.

Thank you, Blue!

*

Next sign: A new comedian talks – about Plato. “ He knew that reality lies outside of the world/ the cave.”

In this exact moment, the mp3 freezes up – and i realize that this is the same theme as the first:  Gloria and Reality lies in Light, outside the world.

3 sign:

At home, I hit my right hand ring-finger nail/tip against something.It has always been extraordinary sensitive to be touched, and today the pain is overwhelming. Thank you for this sign – I sit down with the intention to find what wants my attention and healing.

“Milk!” Ah…this has to do with mother’s milk. – My mother’s milk was toxic and I could not digest it properly. My soul understood that I had a mommy with poison inside her. I could not KNOW this, so I denied and repressed it . NOW it bursts forth with a torrent of tears and loud crying. “I don’t want this mama!” It lasts for a couple of moments, and then there is deep peace and warmth spreading all through me.

And  profound gratitude.

Simple changes

Two lovely happenings lately:

Some days ago I read an article about an Olympic aspirant, who got extremely negative voices in her head before she started to train. She found a trainer who taught her to replace those thoughts with just ONE positive thought/loving thought. She said that the energy that came when she had established this habit was beyond description beautiful.I thought about my morning depressions and gloom days, and these simple words arose: It doesn’t matter, Leelah. I love you.

The mind screamed at my gullibility – but it WORKED. Immediate relief. So I did that a zillion times  – each time Amygdala presents some of  its zillion disaster-possibilities, graphically in images or by stories.

The other thing:

I simply cannot sit down To relax, to meditate. There is a huge restlessness happening then. Some happy times I catch it – that it is just a concept, a belief that I give power to – “you cannot sit down to relax!” and then a lot of energy moves.

Today I noticed: I can relax when I do the dishes. WHILE I do the dishes. While I go to the mailbox to pick up the paper, while I read the paper, while I eat: I can do X AND relax while I do X.

Can I relax while I do this? Is the power question.

The body loves it, and is super willing to do it –

HUGE difference in my day and energy!

Sticks and Stones

Good morning – big smile

I woke up in the same mood as this blog has described for 4 years now – and asked Blue for help. I knew this feeling came from the “little Leelah” I have talked about so often here – the childhood pain I have identified as ME. Have I not healed this yet? What am I doing wrong? asks spiritual ego = spego

“There’s just this little thing” says Blue, smiling – and the morning-feeling comes back with venom and hits me in the chest so I can hardly breathe.

Can you just BE with this – lovingly? Without the story?

I say YES and remember to breathe deeply and relax into the energy

Reader: see a bright sun right HERE

The energy immediately melts –

And there, a little child

It is about 4 years old. Sitting on the ground, playing calmly with some sticks and stones, and looking up at me.  I shiver when I see its eyes – it is the Christ Child, just as I saw it many years ago in a group I led on Winter Solstice. Then it was newborn, in the crib.

“Have you come to fetch me now?” it asks. The situation is completely calm and without drama. No rush. My heart beats as I squat in front of it. The air is radiant; there is nothing that is not here in this moment, resting and loving and being embraced by the heart we all share.

I take it in my arms and hold it to my heart, standing up.

While I do that, I sense the old story about the inner tortured child -identity as energy – visiting me each and every morning – and I am aware how much I have valued that story as MY story – a story that proved how good I have been, playing the role that I did in the family, suffering SO much – probably more than others – much more – truly believing that that was my value, this suffering – my specialness

Seeing that as my true identity, of course it was impossible to let go of

And it was the exact moment I just WAS with it, without believing the story, that I freed the Christ within –

The absolute horrible obnoxious energy was just a filter, a veil that I had projected between me and Truth. MY decision.

Not believed in, it melted immediately when it received my willingness to be with it

As a therapist, seeing clients presenting their stories of suffering, it is a balance to feel compassion for what they have lived through – but never believe it – as Emmanuel wrote to me once:

   ”What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.
Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

“They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life.”

Thank you God for letting me see that it has been my choice to keep them alive, as my suffering-identity – which for so many of us has seemed to be the only one, or at least the one that has brought attention 🙂

Just this reminder then – become aware of a perceived need to hang on to the stories of pain as something that makes you you.

It reminds me of a time where I had just received the most phenomenal aromatherapy. The body floated when I walked to the bus – and the thoughts came: “but this is not really how it should be – right – I do not feel like this” and I went into the closest shop and bought a lot of chocolate to comfort that old me – being aware that I just re-created her, and noticing that I preferred that.

So the wonderful feelings went away, and the body felt like crap again – and was satisfied: now it could look forward to the next out-portioned bits of bliss. Cause that identity can ONLY have chocolate and nice things when it has suffered enough – it must earn it.

A true cornerstone in the ego thought-system

This is what I want to be aware of right now: the Christ child IS picked up again – and still, the body/parts of me/ insists that “this is not how WE feel.”

No it isn’t, my darlings, but you can get used to it.

It’s just a decision

*

And this: 🙂 “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”

Thank you for that vision, Blue – and the reminder that I am not this body and its memories through all times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good Mother

Today, a young refugee entered the bus and sat down beside me. The bus was almost empty. He looked like from Iraq. I was reading an English book, and he spoke in Arabic and pointed to it. His fingernails were bitten almost right down. Something in me instantly felt like The Good Mother. The man bent over close to me to look at each page I read, as if reading with me. Instead of being annoyed, I noticed that I almost offered him a place on my lap. There was such a loving Motherly space around us. When he left, he bowed to me. It felt like something huge and transformative had happened.

Later in the day I broke through an age old fear pattern  – I am so happy happy happy about it!

There is a pattern in me designed to scare me away from “going out there”, asking for what I want, and also being honest about feelings and things I do not like. An old outmoded way of “protecting me from being attacked.” It has prevented me many times for speaking up and being adult.There were about 2,5 zillion stories to substantiate the habit – and little Leelah believed in them all.

So we have had a team of roofers rehabilitating our rows of roofs. Excellent job – they were helpful, skillful, kind and willing. My little roof on a storeroom needed a new drain – and they managed to put it on a place where it did not collect the water.

I wrote a mail to the boss about it, and he has not answered it – which fires up this disaster part in me – it tells stories about how he doesn’t give a shit, will be rude, will be much more than rude, will in fact seek me up and stalk me until my last day.

You know, I am able to see the soooo over the board-scenario here – and still, each time I have thought about him, wanting to call him, the instant fear shock in the body – the old “don’t do this” overwhelms my nervous system, I lose my words and space out, my doctor calls it “near-psychotic.”  But Blue was making it quite clear that this situation was a gift, in the respect that I just needed to do what I abhor to do – tell people what may seem like criticizing them. It physically hurt like hell.

Blue said: do it anyway.

“I will lose my words!”

Oh, write what you want to say then -that will give you a feeling of some safety.

I called, and read a couple of sentences – no blame, just so – and he answered with the kindest voice that this was on his list, they would be there soon, and that it would me cost me anything.

All of my stories feel like an enormous domino chain.

The energetic release from this has been no less than enormous.

I think I was a good mother to myself there

The Archetypal Onion

Waking up wanting to die. Kind nudge from Self to get up. Oh no, I must have more sleep/rest. Smiling Voice: Whatever you choose, you are completely loved.
Slept one more hour – waking up with same crappy feeling. Now more motivated to listen:“Get up, drink water, and open up to this suicidal feeling. Remember this practice from lesson 13 of The Jewel of the Christ:

This must be the experience I most need to be having right now,
as more of Christ Mind is birthing into, and through me.
Only Love is Real.
Thank you, Lord, thank you, thank you.

Last of all, begin to pay attention to how you respond to contexts that are less
than peaceful, whether such moments arise in you, or another. See if you can
‘catch the beat’ of habit that leads down the path of ‘story’, attempts to ‘feel
better’, or to ‘fix’ it.
Instead, breathe, and ask the three questions we began with:

~ what specific sensations are occurring in the bodymind?
~ what specific thoughts?
~ what specific qualities of breathing?”

After doing this, I am nudged to use the Emotion Code Method again- and I discover that the laminated chart I made, has two sides: the one I am pointed to now, has a choice of “Trapped Emotion Flow Chart.” That is one level deeper than the one yesterday.Becoming aware of this, my body responds with a released sigh.
(I described the first part of this process on my blog:

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/20…-emotion-code/

As as a Therapist for 28 years now, and also a student of the Jewel Course, I find this simple practice with a pendulum and a magnet excellent, and right up there with Radical Inquiry. For me, it goes even more to the roots, since it bypasses much psychological resistance. So here is what you can do if this resonates with you:

Emotion Code: google it or/and Dr. Bradley Nelson

And the Magnet:

google Nikken products MagDuo

You can google “how to learn dowsing” or search “dowsing” or “muscle-testing” on You Tube – and if you don’t find it easy, find an Emotion code practitioner. It’s even possible to get a session for free with a practitioner on the website .
In my mind, dowsing with a pendulum can be learned if you intend to

The process today continues what happened yesterday: Then I found shock as the very root – today I release three more “onion layers/feelings”: self-hatred – dread – and confusion. I know mentally that the next ones are hopelessnessness/powerlessness, and the outer layer:aggression/violence in the forms of fundamentalist religions.

Today I have practiced the prayer that Jeshua taught in the Way of Mastery, the Forgiveness Chapter:

I am the Source of this situation.
I judge you(situation) not. I extend forgiveness to myself fo what I have created. I embrace you and I love you and free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.”
Then see that image or memory gently dissolve into Light until there is no trace of it left,and be done with it.”

*
As I am diving into the archetypes, Jeshua is pointing to our 25 year-long exploration, with patients/students and in my own process, described in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts... When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts…

– and that the archetypes explored in that many-year long process, have the latest days spiraled down to its very roots. My stomach always crawls when I mention my book, because this is making me visible as something positive -and within this archetypal onion, visible means either a dictator or a victim. It also touches a very common “law” in the human mind: “who do you think you are? Do you believe you are better than us?”I am not better than. Self has written this book through Leelah, who was willing to have that happen.

I open my wise-quote notebook randomly, and find Jeshua’s words again: -“Whenever you extend forgiveness inside your consciousness, your emotional field, to another, whether they be physical present or not, you are extending to them exactly as if they were physical present in front of you.” The he adds, “They still have to receive it, don’t they!”

So now I extend forgiveness to myself for choosing to believe in my smallness and for identifying with the archetype Child, described in my book – and for using other people to prove to me that I am powerless.

And choosing again: I choose to be open to notice- and actively receive – all the positive changes lately

Since I did this this morning, the rest of the day I have found myself suddenly bursting out in tears by reading a sentence in a book or paper – something is so ready now to be released and it feels so wonderful.

There is also TIREDNESS

Edit/Delete Message

Last review for When Fear Comes Home to Love

…for which I am truly grateful 🙂 *

 

January 10, 2015
This review is from: When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts of art, play and forgiveness (Paperback)
This beautiful book came to me (as it does) via the Holy Spirit, in answer to some questions I had. Every page is rich in inspiration, a road map to healing, through play, art, and the investigation of archetypes. The dialogues with the Holy Spirit are simply ‘wow” and Leelah’s story of moving from the pain and burden of abuse, from profound fear to love, healing and freedom is a reminder of what is possible for us all. I am only a third of the way through the book, and wish to highly recommend it to A Course in Miracles students, as well as to anyone else who is engaged in the courageous journey of self discovery and healing.

The False Helper

Sharing with Kit

She shares a story about how her 5 year old son went ballistic this morning because Kit “helped him” putting his trousers on – without asking if he wanted help. We shared how this unhealthy kind of helping is nothing more than a distrust of the child’s ability to stand on her/his own legs, a deep distrust of the power within – our own included – therefore mistakenly needing to “help”. And also the unspoken judgment of clumsiness, taking one’s time, making errors. Kit saw a parallel to Aikido: we are served by working WITH the power, not resisting it or manipulating it at all – like “helping out.”

Leelah’s turn:

I did the same thing with my daughter. She raged at me too – and I instantly understood how destructive it was to “help” when unasked. And that has not stopped me from “helping” her a thousand times later – that habit is so strong ( described in the BIRD-chapter in “When fear comes home to Love”) and so much part of Leelah-identification -) BUT: I UNDERSTOOD how wrong it was – now the practice is just to become aware when I repeat the pattern.

WE need to ask: “Do you want help?”

I become aware of a part who is convinced “it is my duty to save them.” Oh this gives me a fat headache. This part wants to murder them because they simply do not know their own best – but I do! If I don’t help or intervene and stop them from doing dangerous or foolish thing, it is MY FAULT when horrible disasters happen…like I need to tell them that the ice is too thin, and they won’t listen and go skating anyway and of course they drown and it is my fault…

This is when Kit points out, “This is part of the Mother Archetype. It is not personal.”

Zing! The arrow hits the target. I recognize how  parents express this in media when a close loved one dies a death in violence: “I should have…”

Now that the Archetype has been allowed to become visible, it opens to violence: “It is in my RIGHT to make them do as I tell them – to hit them, to put them in a cold cupboard and lock the door and not let them out until they beg on their knees. Until they have learned. CONTROL is needed, force is needed. If they happen to die from starvation, it is their own fault.

How great it feels to let this control -and- violence-pattern out in the light – and in a wave of compassion and tenderness which includes us all, the pattern is free to move in new paths in our mind and bodies.

Oh -there is only One of us here – I/ego have told myself I need to be controlled and forced and punished – for my own good.

Yes, there it is. That’s what we do when we are on automatic and have not found and forgiven these patterns.

I recognize that I am in the familiar disaster-thinking pattern. And somehow it perversely feels safe to be within it: I am safe when I feel unsafe. Insane, but there it is.

But of course the ego – which IS fear – feels safe when it is unsafe: this is ego and I don’t need to grab it for myself and call it “mine.”

I share with Kit how I did not feel safe serving at The Prayer Team – but I refused to let the fear stop me. It did not remove the fear, but I DID IT ANYWAY.

Ahhh – now it becomes clear: There is Something in me that Knows that I CAN handle “the worst scenario” if it happens.

I trust that that is true.

On some level, I must have allowed the possibility that the worst may happen – and then, when the possibility for the worst is not resisted any longer, there is a better chance that it will NOT happen, as Zach says. It is safe to feel unsafe – because there is a great safety-love-net underneath. It is not dangerous to feel fear – it is safe to feel unsafe – it is OK to make errors – what a golden lettered sentence!

KIT:

“The importance is not to prevent what happens – but to BE with it. That de-powers the dark Mother -archetype.” She shares about a therapist leading a group lately who seemed to make a mistake that others pointed to – and he was just THERE – being OK with “doing errors.” How we humans long to have that demonstrated

I share a past-life memory of me having great power in a society and had the people’s trust, I made a choice and we all died. Kit asks if I can be with what happens in my body when I express this – and the story I make is “I can’t be trusted, disaster is my fault.”

But right now, being with the implosion in my body, allowing it, it becomes clear: that massive destruction was meant to happen – and the consequences of it. I was the one who consented – and wanted to play that role. The ego could see it as a huge mistake and push tons on guilt on me – but Spirit says “way to go, Leelah. Somebody had to step in and make that choice and play the role of the guilty one.”

Ha!  I let it go now: just a piece of the script

“The false helper is so convinced she is guilty,” I say, and a huge alarm goes on in Kit’s neighborhood.

A little later, the entrance light goes out again. It goes on when I know how strongly I have held on to the role of “saving others” and that it is “enough” to be there for myself, fully. ”Smile at yourself for believing your thoughts are serious” says Blue and giggles. Instantly the iron band around the ribs tightens – it wants me to hang on to guilt, to make the separation going.

I can be with that too – seeing where it goes

ALWAYS this accept leads to peace

 

 

The old poisonous story

This night, I saw through the pattern of being “unjustly treated,” “disrespected.”

I saw how I have projected this pattern  –  this part of “my story” – on clients and others (included rapists and insane people from childhood): No – Leelah has not done that – egomind has, in order to secure its status as separate, special, master of its own destiny. It’s not that I attract them – its that I immediately project this story on them and myself, in order to keep my separated self intact. The story is of such magnetic/vibrational magnitude because it is the main story of the world: the innocent victim and the guilty violator.

The projector is me: what a relief to see  that I am “dreaming” this whole story up and making it real, believing in its very realistic appearances and pains.

It is not real: God has never thought these thoughts. It has never happened in reality – in Heaven.

How can I not be respected? I am a reflection of God’s perfection, created in his Image.

I forgive myself for dreaming this impossible dream and for taking the innocent role-part.

I am done fighting Love in this way – how beautiful to just relax into the knowing that I am innocent, and so are the role-players of perpetrators. The degree of perversion and “evil” means nothing: the original pain and fear in the mind came from the Son of God’s belief that the Tiny Mad Idea was real.

I forgive myself for making you act out, so that I can keep my story of “me.”Keep the specialness going.

Holy Spirit, thank you for showing me the complete insanity of the egomind. I don’t want to do it any more.

 

Drama

This is the 40th day of  The 40 day in the desert-process with Lisa Natoli.

I woke up at 5am with the usual poisonous pains in the body, asked for help and remembered Lisa’s theory that when we do not extend the Love that we are – because we forget Who we are – then that energy is turned inward and turns poisonous. It is just energy that is not used the way it is supposed to.

Love wants to be shared – and right now, I was subconsciously  blocking it. I instantly offer to share this love – with whom?

I instantly see images from Congo. Joshua French, the Norwegian man who at first was accused of murdering a Congolese driver together with his friend Tjostolf Moland. Recently Moland died in prison, and French was accused of having murdered him too.

I extend Love to the whole situation and everyone involved, It feels indescribably good, and all poison is gone. While I am extending the Love, there are no thought of judgments, no wondering what this is for, no trying to fix – just allowing unconditional Love into the whole situation.

Then the ego sneaks in an claims the forgiveness as its own: a “me” being the good and saintly one and the Congolese authorities as the baddies – and I asked for help to see this differently. I was shown that what was needed was just a change of my perception of the whole situation – orchestrated as the good and innocent ones and the bad overpowering ones .I remembered Ken Wapnick’s incessant  reminders to his students: The Course is not about changing the world – there is no world – it is about healing the thoughts in the mind that are projected into this world and seemingly creating wars, disasters and evil – and also so-called “good.”

How sobering! All I need to forgive is my perception of the situation – which included distributing character traits, guilt, and blame, as the ego loves it.  The world is a play, as Shakespeare realized. What I see with my physical eyes are only projections of thoughts in the mind – seeming so very real and alive – but still only a projection we humans get caught in.

A beautiful peace ascends on me as I am taken back to Truth – and I pray for help to see the Congo-play differently, and to have my vision of it corrected. As I do this, it feels like looking at figures in an old black-and-white movie, they are flickering shadows. I ask to see clearly, and the figures turn out to be actors distributing roles between them. This scene plays out on the plane before incarnation: “Oh what a great play! So much to learn! You will play the poor Joshua French, and I will play the mean and ugly prosecutor – and then you get to be the innocent one and I will seem to be the villain –  yes, and the Congolese will have bald shiny heads and black suits and they will scream as they prosecute…” and I see them laughing and shaking hands as they distribute the roles in the drama –

– and then I see the “actors” DE-ROLING – now all the “actors” are standing there before me – everybody has “donned” their roles and have acquired important experiences and life-lessons that their souls have wanted. They all have got what they wanted, as the Course teaches – not on the level of the human, but on the level of soul. Now I see only light-beings – and after a little while, I see only One. And It is looking back at me, and saying:

This is all a dream – and you are dreaming it. Forgive yourself: you are the Holy Son of God* who fell asleep and dreamed up a world where there seemed to exist something else than God’s Love and God’s Will. Come Home to your Sacred Self

 

*

To any new reader of this blog and unfamiliar with A Course in Miracles:

The “Son of God” referred to is NOT the character Leelah – the human personality – but God’s Holy Son, created in His image – and that creation is Spirit – our true Identity. It is only from Spirit I could see that play unraveling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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