Good bye to ghost stories

Thursday 2-3-17

Today I got my mother back.

It was a memory of music that did it – and most probably a session with Tapas Fleming, the creator of TAT: I was helped to let go of my old attachment to ghosts, as their helper and friend.

My mother has gone since 32 years. Her family and ancestors were also  close to that field of existence. She died from ALS, a really nasty disease. It’s a progressive neurological disease that causes dysfunction of the nerves that control muscle movement. Over time, this leads to muscle weakness, gradually affecting how the body functions, and then you die.

I grew up close to a graveyard – beautiful, peaceful, I saw it as MY garden and played there, mostly alone, except for the ghosts, that I perceived as my friends and wrote storied about. In the session with Tapas, my connection to “having to” be someone who could assist them to go home, was healed – and later I realized, that since the intention of TAT is to include all our ancestors, it certainly included my mother’s lineage. I am convinced that this procedure was essential for what happened the day after, when I had a sharing session with my friend Kit.

In this session, while I was speaking I SAW that both my parents had shown me the light, metaphorically – the place inside that is eternal, all loving, never-changing, radiantly truthful, brimming with life and presence. I shared it with my father in 3 areas:

Listening to music, only the two of us – mostly Mozart. We were joined at that Paradise place, and there were no words there, but perfect oneness. If my mother entered the room, that Paradise was always interrupted: my father went into preaching mode.

He could not share that with  both of us.

And – my mother could never share HER love of music with him, precisely because of this preaching tendency of his – but it happened when I came home from school that I overheard her playing the piano: Musette by Sibelius was her favorite. And mine. (NB: this guy plays it twice as fast as I loved to hear it – but still was the best I found on YouTube.)

And I sneaked up the stairs, and she heard me and stopped immediately, and I begged on my knees that she could play it once more – and some rare times, she consented – and we joined the Place of Light.

As I realized that both parents had shown me this Place, a torrent of tears broke and I sobbed with all my heart. Suddenly I SAW my mother as Spirit – healed and whole and innocent – and all the images of her as ice-cold and hard and rejecting fell away like old snow in April sun. I SAW her in front of me, as soul – on “the other side,” but in complete communication with me -just the same connection I shared when I joined with my mother’s ecstasy in music.

The torrent breaks through almost 70 years of denial – I have insisted of holding on to the image I held of her, the stories about her – and now it simply melted in front of this shared love, our union. The longing for her, the longing to join in LOVE broke through – I sob “my mamma, I long so much to join with you in THIS, and not all those stories from childhood!

There is no blame or anger at all in this longing – and for the first time, I see her Self, no projections now – just pure and whole.

I see her sitting in front of me, but still on the other side – she sits in profile, her head bowed, she is listening intensely with every cell to what I am telling her. At first she sits in shadow, but it lightens every second, and now I see her clearly. An inner earthquake shakes her violently, and still she is fully present within it, allowing these shakings to shake lose everything inside her role as woman and mother.MY mother in this particularly difficult lifetime, where she played the role of a mother who rejects her 4 year old daughter returning home after being group raped.  I sense her gratitude for this release, her joy that all that is false is shaken loose. No sense of guilt and sin, just shedding centuries of false beliefs and victim patterns lodged in cells and DNA.” I shake for both of us” she says, I know that is true. Now the shaking is concentrated in Root and Hara. She burps and belches, does not throw up, but throws her arms in the air and swears and smiles – no devil taking her to hell because she swears – we look right at each other and delight in this freedom.

My father, who played the role of a Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – person, and who showed contempt of the “concept” of a God, now was seen as playing a role – and I was shown places where he had demonstrated Source consciousness.

In addition to the heavenly music-joining, let me share the chanterelle-paradise

All the times he took me deep into woods, long hikes away from the trail, being guided by his phenomenal knowing where the chanterelle-places were. I remember the energy of him sitting silently down and brushing his hand over moss, like a wizard – creating a large patch of shining yellow chanterelles – and then intensely enjoying my delight at this treasure.

Recapitulating these times today made me see that he had guided me to the Light Itself – and that he therefore HAD the light available to him. The atmosphere in these places brim with light and love for me – and deep joining.

Also when we rowed out to the   open sea and fished – when the vast cloudless skies reflected in the mirror as dead calm sea, and  same oneness embraced us in timeless silent space.

When I understood that they HAD shown me Home, both of them – I knew without a morsel of doubt that we all had played in a drama we had chosen to explore as souls – and our roles were perfect. Now I could SEE the Truth of them both, and the joy of recognition was indescribable.

The day after, my daughter the musician visited and played the Musette for me. And my mother was present, glowing with joy.

All traces of ‘ghost’ about her – vanished

*

8/3 More release

Today  with  Heather ,I found that my Mount of Venus really was the shield of a big mother Turtle –  and that her shield stopped the insanity in my father’s energy during the sex to come into the womb. And so, my daughter did not have to swim in that womb energy for 9 months.  And has not been subjected to this energy, as i was.

Seeing that – and honoring that defense-mechanism (= turtle shield-) started an avalanche of releases. I saw how all my defense-places in this body had created their patterns out of the need to keep all parts of me safe – and now, the time has come to be brave enough and ready – to release them all.

At the end of the session I was sitting with a profound cold in the lower body – and heard Blue – my voice for Christ – remind me: “It’s not about becoming warm – to have “succeeded” in this – it is about just noticing exactly where you are RIGHT NOW, and honoring this – trusting the process.”

 

God is Playing

This is what I call these nudges and “coincidences” that constantly push me in the direction of awakening.

Outside of this path in the wood it is icy and slippery surface. I have crampons strapped on my boots. In my language, crampons and “sting” means the same – as in “Death, where is thy sting?”

Readers will probably have noticed that I live and am constantly nudged into awakening by my Higher Self, which I call Blue – by symbols and metaphors.

These happened today – after I had fully surrendered control to the Self Who know the Plan and has all the cards and knows all the steps in their perfect timing.

I stand in the dark wood, taking photos of dark and light – I am fascinated at the light I can see right outside the wood, shining in through trees standing very close.

Right in front of me the sun is shining in from my left, creating a shining path of Light. My heart starts to beat hard, a sign to pay attention. I know that stepping inside that path of light will feel blissful.

This is how it looks, right before I step into it.

(I have an mp3 player on, playing a podcast from a comedian.)

entrance-to-gloria

The comedian introduces a female group who sings a Christmas Psalm. The moment I step into that light, they sing: Gloria in Excelsis Deo and repeat in long enough until I become truly aware of the synchronicity.

Next photo:gloria-in-excelcis-deo

Here I am one step away.

And here I turn toward the sun and become aware of the Gloria, being repeated and sung again and again.

looking-right-into-gloria

Time disappears.

Then I walk on, and soon discover that I have lost my crampon on the right foot – or, as I would call it: the “sting.” When I search for sentences with “sting”, I find, ” Death, where is Thy sting?”

I decide to walk back until i find it. I don’t find it, and return to the shining light path. Right there – where I stood – lies my “sting.” It is of thick rubber with metal crampons/stings-it is very surprising that it can come off by itself at a place where I just stood still.

After some steps I realize that I lost my “sting” exactly in the place where I left the dark and entered the Light, knowing it was sacred.

Thank you, Blue!

*

Next sign: A new comedian talks – about Plato. “ He knew that reality lies outside of the world/ the cave.”

In this exact moment, the mp3 freezes up – and i realize that this is the same theme as the first:  Gloria and Reality lies in Light, outside the world.

3 sign:

At home, I hit my right hand ring-finger nail/tip against something.It has always been extraordinary sensitive to be touched, and today the pain is overwhelming. Thank you for this sign – I sit down with the intention to find what wants my attention and healing.

“Milk!” Ah…this has to do with mother’s milk. – My mother’s milk was toxic and I could not digest it properly. My soul understood that I had a mommy with poison inside her. I could not KNOW this, so I denied and repressed it . NOW it bursts forth with a torrent of tears and loud crying. “I don’t want this mama!” It lasts for a couple of moments, and then there is deep peace and warmth spreading all through me.

And  profound gratitude.

DOG

The last 3 years or more, whenever I have met a dog, there is a furious barking at me. My neighbor’s two dogs go crazy when they see me. It is not fun at all. I get that there is a furious “dog-energy” inside me that I still haven’t made peace with.

Two days ago, a dog barked wildly on my lawn under my bedroom, 2 am – running frantic to and fro.I went out and yelled at it to go home, a huge rage was in me, and it felt like it was actually acting that out FOR me, making me aware of the energy within me that i until then had judged.

Same morning, my neighbor came out to walk her two dogs the very second I was opening my door.The dogs were in a leach, and  barked and charged  at me like crazy.

This  anger-mirroring became even more clear when yesterday, a visiting dog next to my neighbor ran out of their door and stood peeping at me through my fence. It was orange and its look was fierce. Then it too started its wild barking and came charging at me. I pretended I was trained by Cesar Millan and radiated calm assertive energy ( or intended to!) It charged in a bow around me and ran to my door – and then stood on its hind legs, barked wildly and begged to be let in.

Then its owner came running. She did not look at me at all! But she yelled at the dog: this is not your house! you do not live here! and reluctantly, the dog turned around and followed her. Not once did she look at me – like I was invisible.

Later I had two friends visiting for Christmas. Late evening we started to talk about anger, I shared the dog-incidents and that I thought they were mirroring old anger in me. Something deep in me relaxed – having been shared and not kept inside a cloak of shame.

I could not sleep. The body felt like filled with angry ants, eaten alive from inside – and I started to realize that this happened FOR me, not TO me. I wanted to do Spontaneous Transformation on the aspect that carried this tremendous inner irritation. For almost 2 hours I focused on the chest, where I found the aspect, and told it “I see you, I am here for you, I am not leaving.” I drifted in and out of spacing out, but suddenly, the connection was made – the aspect KNEW it was witnessed, not alone, not denied, not judged anymore. The next hour, the  intense itching/rash abated,and I got some hours sleep.

This morning I went up early to hike high in the mountain to see the sunrise – and to pray as Jeshua teaches us in Way of Mastery, as the closing ceremony of this year’s training. As I crossed the road to take the path up the mountain, I passed close to four sled-dogs living in a little shed of their own outside  a farm. And a concert started: no barking this time – just a wild howling for four voices. I was aware that my energy was changed – and I got he idea that this was a singing to my honor: I had truly owned that wild attack energy in the night, no more resistance to it, no fear or judgments – it felt like I was one of them.. a wolf-pup being accepted into the tribe.

I taped it on my little recorder. Tears were running, great release.

The howling continued until I had passed their house.

Then I climbed the hill, watched the sunrise, prayed and received the Light, It felt wonderful beyond description, and I was filled with joy and gratefulness.

At the path down again, I heard a click to my right, and it was my cellphone that had taken a photo. This one:

dsc_0865

This green heart…I looked into the ditch by the trail at right, it was a heart shaped stone covered with moss. I took a deliberate photo of it:

dsc_0866

I felt blessed. I met people with dogs coming toward me on the trail, the dogs did not notice me at all, and we humans  wished each other  a Joyous Christmas. There were lots of smiles.

Close to my house, my closest neighbor was out walking her 2 dogs. For the first time in years, no reactions at me at all – but a big smile and hug from her.

I am blessed

 

 

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

*

Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

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  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

Healing Without Rejecting

Written yesterday, November 15

I  experience right now  the very essence of what I have called the inner attacker in my mind – that I so often have manifested/projected on the “outside” world. To allow it is a bliss beyond words, and still I will use words to share with you.

What gave the rise to the healing that is now in action – is this:

I share two long ladders with my neighbors in the row of our houses. You can hatch them into each other if you need to climb really high. My new neighbors have put up a new “holder” for it – – and now I have to stand on a smaller ladder to reach up under the roof where these two big ladders are hatched into each other, to take one of them down. They weigh a lot. The little ladder is wiggly and so I feel very wobbly up there.

This put me straight into the very essence of this old attach/defense-wound: “They (my neighbor) WANT me to fall down, to suffer, to hurt myself. They are attacking me. I HATE THEM and want them to suffer as I do.”

It is remarkable to notice that all this still go on on the inside, like a tape – and that as long as I do not become aware of it, IT commands my mind: I think this is ME.

AMAZING to experience the power of it.

I got another taller neighbor to get one of the ladders down for me – he too had to struggle hard to get separate them from that hatch-mechanism – (seen as a proof that I was right in my judgment of my neighbors. And that my intense hatred of them was justified – my strong perception and belief was that they did this to attack me.)

People – this is how it looks when we carry deep old atrocious pain from our childhood – and have been told by parents and society that” you are BAD if you have these BAD feelings – anger is BAD, and especially GIRLS are BAD when they show them. Hatred: oh you are beyond redemption – since now GOD does not love you either. God ONLY loves nice children.”

So I braved myself and went over to my neighbors, and the woman came out. Her face looked contorted when she opened her door – and now I realize that this were mirror-neurons – her face reflected how I looked and felt unconsciously. Still, we talked friendly how we could solve this – and she told me that her husband, who is very tall, had bumped his head into the ladder when it was lying in the way it used to before they got this new hatch.

It turned out that she talked in generally – but my first impulse was that my sin had almost killed him.

OHMYGOD maybe he now lied inside bleeding because of me – GUILTY BAD GIRL – I must be punished

And everything the body felt at that time  60 years ago when this was learned, I learned to push down – or rather, the defense mechanism pushed it.

And so it has been all my life – 71 years – and this morning, I was turned around TOWARD the wound, with Matt Kahns words. He is teaching us how to talk to our self:

“So we close our eyes and relax our breath, and I say on your behalf: whether to this mind, to this heart, to this body, to any memory, to any grudge, to any disappointment, to any grief, to any loss, to any form of lack, to any illness, disease or unbalance: “I am so sorry that I have judged you so harshly and forgotten that you are a catalyst of Divinity. No matter how you were sent, and how you appear in my life. I realize that you are bringing to my attention an opportunity for me to enter into such an accelerated journey of healing beginning to balance the decease or the conditions that has come to me. As of this moment, I no longer judge myself for what I have manifested,I no longer judge other for what I seem to be dealing with, and instead I realize that I have manifested this as an opportunity to grow in consciousness, to manifest what I have previously judged as “less”, or “lacking”, as something less than the Light, and it is an opportunity for me to change my relationship with Life.”

This radiant moment I understand why it says that Light has no opposite: it’s because of my judgment of the situation/what is happening that I perceive the Light as darkness and pain – in reality, this is the greatest gift Life and God could give me right now.

“Thank you for being in my life. I love you so much. You are beautiful and you are wonderful just as you are. And maybe instead of asking the Universe to heal this and clear this out of my field – what if I take a revolutionary step: What if I say to the disease, the imbalance, to the pain, to the suffering, what if I say to IT: what can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

And so – this is what I did this morning – when I sensed the utterly familiar sensation of the lump: hatred, this shouldn’t be like this, I am wrong, I do it wrong, I hate myself, I hate THEM, I hate God for not helping me through this ( writing this, my heart is skipping beats) oh this is hopeless I give up (but at least I am being nice about it.)

And I turned toward it and asked it what Matt suggested.

This is a collective thought form/entity/”being” that the Holy Son of God has manifested since time and space and has accepted as real. It is not “mine” – and I have made it utterly mine, because of my denial of its Original Light. In this moment, in this One Mind that I Am – it is being brought to healing.

What can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

The first it said was “please give up your judgment of me – that turns me into darkness.”

And then “ just BE with me as the judgment-spell is taken off me”

I realize I have demonized my Self – and that It is not in the least affected by it – why? Because I am ever only hurt by my perception: in reality, the Self is eternally pure and Holy Spirit, but I – and we all – have pretended it is not.

And that is the prerequisite for separation.

In reality, nothing happened – and as long as I still partly identify with the body, I will experience the consequences of that original error –

But it is not serious, as Jesus repeatedly tells us in the Course, and in the Way of Mastery.

This is Matt’s take on healing without rejecting

“-How can I serve you – your sweet pain?

“- If we ever turn into whatever we try to heal, let us remember the two word mantra “Thank You. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being what guarantees my love becomes unconditional. Thank you for being immune for all my spiritual negotiation and manipulation, for not allowing me to turn away from this invitation to love myself. Thank you for the opportunity to be a steadfast teacher in my life and to only bring to my attention how much more support and love that I need to give to myself – even if I live in a world where everyone else seems to be concerned with everyone else except me. Thank you for ensuring my healing will be complete when my love has become more unconditional in nature. Thank you! I love having you in my life. – We have to shift from “I don’t want to have this in my life, to “hello beautiful catalyst of consciousness, hello disease, hello imbalance, hello grief, hello loss, hello disappointment, hello victimhood – what can I do to serve your journey? How can I make your experience of me better? How can I focus on being more interested in serving the experience of the illness and imbalance within me – instead of trying to get rid of it, and how I wish life would change? Can we turn inward, and just complement and honor this illness, imbalance and disease like it is child, just begging for love and approval – “you are perfect the way you are, even if I hate the experience you provide.” I know you are only here to be loved, even if I hate the feelings in my body. How can I create the best experience in my body while you are with me – I know this isn’t going last forever – but this will go on until I change the way I relate to myself, instead of insisting things must change first within me. How can I serve your experience? Let me be your companion – let me be your friend – and may it make my love unconditional – for the evolution of my journey and the benefit for all I am meant to encounter. Thank you for this disease, thank you for this illness, thank you for this imbalance, thank you for this pain, thank you for this adversity, thank you for this opportunity to bear my soul and become more honest, loving ,compassionate and complementary than ever before, thank you thank you thank you.

Everything that shows up in my field is what the other consciousness has not yet embraced. It does not matter if it is “mine” or “their” – it is here to be complemented like I am its closest companion.

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Extending LOVE to the “dark parts”

Here is a true story from “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – the miraculous effects of including what we have judged as “dark” into our Love. 25 years has passed since that workshop – I still remember it so clearly

 Come Home, Beloved: loving the outcast / case story / 1990

In a continuous creative / spiritual group many years ago, Sue shared with us how a couple, living in an apartment below, was continuously fighting and screaming. Things were thrown around and made a lot of noise. She was afraid that the woman was being beaten and abused. Sue was scared and did not know how to interfere. This evening, several of the group-members had similar dark stories about violence to share. I saw it as an opportunity to deal with the violence within our own souls – the way we are violent toward our own impulses to feel whatever we are feeling, the violent ways most Jhydes* deny our needs, in order to “be nice” and pleasing.

We sat in our circle, and we invited the Holy Spirit’s Presence in. We opened our hearts for Unchangeable Love – to find the space in our heart that can embrace the dark. We invited, into this circle of love:

The rejected – the denied – the judged – the hated – the un-allowed – the shamed – the humiliated – the laughed at – the leprous.

The energy grew dense and strong – but we had prepared our container, presenting no resistance: now it could just be there.

Afterward, we made paintings of our own personal image of darkness, there and then. We listened to what these dark aspects of ourselves needed. We shared the images, and what the rejected parts needed – and then we placed the paintings in the center of our circle, close to the candle burning there – having in mind that we at the same time intentionally brought the rejected parts of our mind to the center of Light within: the Source of Love, the I AM.

A radiant light came to us, a tender peace and warmth. And the story could have ended here, but it did not.

When Sue came to group fourteen days later, she told us that when she went to bed the same evening, a strong rose light enveloped her, which she saw as a holy Presence. From that day, there was peace in the apartment downstairs. No more screams, no more blows, no more throwing things.

And for the first time, she heard music playing from the apartment.

*Jhydes: My book describes what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome” –  personalities with deep splits, and abuse on some level which may be completely stuffed deep into the unconscious, resulting in a rich mix of “light” and “dark”. “Jhydes” are the name I have given people growing up with these very strong polarities in the psyche –  the Introduction describes this in detail. If you go to the book on Amazon, it may be possible to read the Introduction there in the Kindle-version

Bird takes off

The very essence of Bird * is to save others – to take the attention away from the awareness that it is really she who needs the healing.

This night I saw so sweetly and clearly through her strategy – beneath it was simply what she told herself while trauma happened:

I will go mad if I allow myself to be aware of what is happening and what is being done to me and what I am doing.

The shift – or rather, the self-inflicted spell:

All the pain belonging to me now belongs to you. You are in mortal danger.

I am your savior.

The sweetness of realizing that the strategy is just a cover up is immense.

Now – 2015 – is my trust in the process and my True Self so strong that I welcome whatever memories and feelings that I denied.

Oh the beauty of allowing others to be as they are – with whatever they seem to be going through – realizing their soul’s choice to experience exactly this – in order to be able to transcend it and transform it.

Jesus’ teaching from “The Jewel of the Christ Mind:”

Your only task is to allow the incomprehensible light to move through you to transform you and to BE you. All Enlightenment is remembrance

A rush of spiritual energy flows through me.

An area is over

I sense and become aware of a sound of vast wings flapping

And there she lifts

_

 

* Bird is one of the 10 archetypes in “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

 

 

Transformation

I want to share a piece from Sarita’s web cast last month I asked about communicating with an inner image , if that was not “making it real,” and she answered:

My understanding of making it real is saying that it is the cause of our experience. But when we acknowledge something in this way, (meaning communicating with inner images,) we acknowledge it as an effect that we have created. However, we are here to embrace creations – Jeshua says in Way of Mastery that we can’t transcend what we haven’t embraced, so we come to rest back in the Noticer so we can see and hold the enfolding, the respect, the allowance – the love, cause that’s what respect and allowance is -allow something to unfold itself – a love that IT IS – that is when genuine transcendence happens. So far from making it real, we’re seeing through the surface of appearance of something with power over us, or something we need to resist, or being made to feel a certain way by. We can stay a whole day in resistance to that pain in our shoulders – and in that way making it real. While when we bring curiosity, innocence and presence to it – then we are the Holder and the Unfolder of it. -If you have something in you looking like a wood-creature( I had just shared this with her) beautiful – this is one of your “lost sheep” simply awaiting your curiosity, your holding space for gentle inquiry, your nonjudgmental “being with.” And that will allow that aspect of you to enfold from a way it was stuck in the past, continue to unfold and be with you, bringing more of yourself into the journey of being Christ – you enfold these aspects of yourself.

After having listened to this again in my recorder, this happened:

I found – and SAW – my main resistance or guardian in my bodymind. I recognized that he was camping right next to a suffering part – and that he was, in fact, established as my defense creation next to each suffering part – as I guess it is, in the split mind we all share.

I have constructed, projected and created him to say NO to Light -which he thinks is deadly – confusing it with his image of a vengeful wrathful god.

I gave him a loving Space and just waited

This time, truly wanting to BE with, not wanting to fix

I became aware of how excruciatingly much energy it takes to keep this defense-pattern up – and I became aware of how much energy I have given this pattern throughout centuries – and how it has gone on automatic in humanity – fleeing from pain, seeking pleasure

*

Then, from one second to the next:

it is not there

Only unfathomable Light is there

I tune into it, and see that it realizes that it – the guardian-part – is not needed – just mind guarding against its inherent essence of Being and Beauty

The phone/landline/ rings

I run to pick it up, and catch it just as a female automatic message voice says its last word:

GoodBye

*

Not only is it hilarious – truly one of Blue’s most beautiful playful synchronistic pointers to me* – I also understand how effective it is for me to say GOODBYE to stuff I let go of: it establishes me as the chooser to let go – it is active

*

In “When Fear Comes Home to Love”, I have spiced the text with numerous examples of Blue’s playful synchronicities in my daily life – helping me to “not take it so serious”

 

 

Looking beyond appearences

Yesterday a dear friend and I played out a scenario where I was traversing a landscape with a sign ” Private land. No admittance”. Jesus was there, he told me not to rush, and told me that I always was . Yup. We were sitting down and he was putting his arms around me, I was leaning into his arms and feeling the love from his heart radiating into my heart through my back. At some point, I was turning around, and I projected a scary mask on his face. Jesus told me through my friend that there was nothing I could do that would change how he was.

In the afternoon, I was hanging out in a Coffee shop called “The Fragrance of the Heart”, and a young drunk man with a mask – yes -started to tell me that that mask was called a vendetta-mask – a mask for revenge. “If you disrespect me, I disrespect you.” He slurred for a while about how fair and just  this was, I just listened and hm’ed and did not argue.

He went out, and then came in again – now with the mask attached to his back head. This time he just went to the counter and asked the waiters something and immediately left.

This morning, someone at an Acim-group posted this advice to me ( the bold is mine:)

Think of any upsetting emotion as an ALIEN that has momentarily snuck in and taken over your life.  Do not tolerate it.  And do not interact with it.  When you are centered in Love, then lower vibrations like fear, anger, sadness, and depression can not touch you.  And all you have to do is just recognize these aliens in order  to make them go away! So if you start to feel angry or upset, etc.,  just watch/observe/catch it before you react, so you can then recognize it is NOT you.  As Gary Renard says often, “don’t make it real.”  These thoughts are not You.

When you step above the battleground, aligned in Love, these alien thoughts cannot enter through you. The action of connecting your mind with Love and Light is SO DAMN POWERFUL that all lower vibrations will automatically disappear when they try to enter into you. They don’t have a chance because you are bathed in Light (which dispels darkness).

 And the same thing goes for when SOMEONE ELSE is expressing alien thoughts (like fear, anger, sickness, shame, guilt, etc).  Recognize that you are looking at aliens and do not respond to them.  Rather look beyond their appearances with spirit, and see straight through the aliens into the wholeness of your brother’s mind, to a place where you can see/feel the connection between you and your brother. The light and love of that action will dissolve the aliens.

And suddenly I GET IT. I shall not deal with the mask: I shall just look behind it.

How many times I have read  and heard this, I don’t know – but now it is very clear 🙂

I met my daughter at the coffee-shop, we were later going to a movie together: “Still Life.” I wanted to watch it for the 2.time – one of the most exquisite movies I have ever seen. The last time I sat in this Coffee-shop, an old friend from 30 years back turned up at the table next to us. We thought this was a strange and a great coincidence, and agreed to see each other soon.

When I tried to make an appointment a couple of days later, she had too much to do – too stressed out, too rushed…

So now my daughter I and sat down in the Cinema – and my old friend with husband turn up sitting next to us!

We enjoyed the movie together, and again said we were going to meet and pick up the thread.

The next day – today – I am sitting contemplating these synchronicities. I put on an episode of my favorite series – ” Northern Exposure.” One of the main figures – “Chris in the morning” has  a beard exactly like the Vendetta-figure. Hmm.

DSC01437

Chris is out in the woods and declines shooting a big Buck, and is awarded by finding a bottle with Buck whiskey on his desk – and the day after, he finds big bucks – a 50 dollar note – in the wood.

In his office a friend of his is camping. He has left other friends who gave him a place to live for some days after his own home had burn-damages.Chris shares his encounters with the buck, and his friends tells him it is all bullshit. Chris suggests that his friend left his other friends’ hospitality because he felt he lost control, and that it scared the hell out of him.

The camper – Maurice Minnifield – returns to his burned house the next day, to find that most of his rare orchids have died. Above all, he grieves that his special orchid that he has cultivated and named after himself – has not made it. Gone.

Nest morning he announces on the radio in Chris’ office that orchids are delicate precious beings – they need care and gentleness. They need somebody to take care of them, now that Minnifield’s  greenhouse for them has been damaged…and then:”no” he says – “I need you. I need you to take care of my precious orchids for me until my  greenhouse has been restored.”

And here, dear readers, is what I need to see:

Meeting Jesus’ love means no control at all for the ego/Leelah-identity

 

Chris returns to the woods with is beloved Winchester gun. He leaves a bag of corn to the buck, and slides and loses the gun in the lake

 

 

 

A small gray messenger

This Sunday morning I had the most amazing satori in bed. ALL IS CLEAR, and I saw the beauty and perfection of absolutely everything in all of my lives – or more clear: in the human life – including massacres, abuse, the whole enchilada. Then I fell into sleep and had a REALLY bloody dream about jealousy – and when I woke up, the image of the Tarot card the Devil came up. Ooops! Well – Holy Spirit, thank you for letting me know that I still need to forgive this creation of mind – or maybe, stop reacting to it as if it is real. My nervous system now really did.

As I some minutes later sat beside the window and the image of “the Devil” came into my mind, the energy of this belief and image sprang forth inside, and also instantly the human fear and agony and resistance of this concept – the very essence of denial of Love inside us all. I immediately felt a judgment – “I shouldn’t feel this after the satori, I can’t trust the satori” and THERE is a little gray sparrow flying down from the roof and flying in one space right in front of my nose, as if it is trying to find an opening to get in to me.

It did 🙂

Thank you Holy Spirit

Thrice, as I remember it, I have experienced in this life the absolute denial of Love as energy inside me and seemingly around me – and each time, Love has taken care of it by saying YES to it. That YES certainly did NOT come from Leelah! There was a “Yes – also this can be included in Me” and the transformation from black horror to Heaven was instantaneous. Oh my God, THE LIGHT! – On the last occasion,in my mailbox next day, there was a child’s drawing of a big sun

 

This is described in my book “When fear comes home to Love”*

 

Now I can sit down with the energy and say: ( this is from “Way of the Heart” by Jeshua/Jayem)

I am the source of this

I judge it not

I extend forgiveness to myself for this creation

I love you – I embrace you – I set you free to be your Self

I bless you with the blessing of Christ

I allow Holy Spirit to replace my perception with Truth

And I realize – that transformation has already happened 3 times – I just PICKED THE IMAGE UP AGAIN

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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