The Light Holder

Just after I wrote the last post -some minutes later – I managed to turn over a DVD-ledge. It crashed into a big shelf that my husband had placed over the stairs to the ground floor – and this glass lightholder stood on the edge of it and fell over

It did some somersaults down the stairs – and ended on the hard floor at the end of the stairs. Whole.

The humpty bumpty fall

I went down the chairs – and the light holder was still whole. I asked, ” what is this the metaphor of?”

I heard” That which holds the Light can not break”

I love that this sign came right after I posted the last blogpost

I will remember that I – and everyone – hold the Light – even if I may forget.

I intend to remember

That which holds the Light

The Central Lie – and the Troll Chair

The Central lie in the thought system of separation is that we are victims of fate – and that God wants to punish us for our sins.

The shining Truth in all Mystery teachings is that what you are looking for, is What is looking – the Kingdom is within. What I believe in becomes true for me – and I, as most humans,have chosen to believe in fear and limitation – and that I am powerless and need to behave and be good, or else.

I have realized that what I believe in, becomes true for me – and my personal litany has been ” nothing helps, there must be something wrong with me.” So when I have started to feel good and worthy and loved by God, this unexamined belief has catapulted me back into agony. For 40 years. Until I discovered this night that it only has the power I – and most of humanity – have given it.

My Buddhist therapist once said that lies need us to believe in them – that is the only thing that keeps them alive.

And when it is a collective lie, they become invisible.

And what becomes invisible, controls me. And what I cannot accept and forgive within myself, comes to me from the Universe as attack and illness and trouble – because I believe I am a victim of it. And I have learned that when I change my beliefs, my universe changes too.

I felt this night the power of the belief “nothing helps. It will never change.” And I saw that I had given it all the power it has over me. I was trying to remember a declaration I made a week ago – I declare my trust and faith in the infinite power of divine light and love – and my mind and brain just froze up. I heard the sentence ” This is MUCH more powerful than me “- and realized that it was my BELIEF in this thought that made it powerful. When I declared that I choose LOVE instead of this belief, I immediately remembered my declaration.

I am acutely aware that this is a collective belief – that it may take some time to exchange it for Love – but love I will.

***

Now – today I am showing you my Troll chair. It does indeed come from that common belief that denies Love. And that’s why it felt so freeing to make it visible.

Trolls are beings without heart – and they are not the smartest, even if though they may have two heads. When I got the idea to explore darkness as a chair, there were certain images that came – ice, sharp glass, thorns, black asphalt, splintered mirrors.

Back of chair

At first, it was naked, no green nature veils.Twice I somehow got too close to the mirror chards and my skull was cut badly. Lots of blood -“respect your work!”

Then some day I started to SEE green leaves sprouting from the legs

some of the thorns and leaves

Now the trust came – my job is to make visible the process of “darkness waking up and casting away its slough.

A huge release happened, and my heart opened wide for that dark part in us all that has lost all hope for light. My chair, though, has dared to allow Nature to melt into it – and the biggest change energetically came when I found the raw wool,stretched it thin and  adorned the chair with it.

I was doing this outside, on my terrace, and I still remember the hush in the air when The Holy entered the Chair.

The New Green

This was when I knew that some of the Queen bees had work to do on this chair. And that FUR had to be added

and OH the pleasure of adding the PEARL

There are now four Queens working and playing with it – three in the chair top and one crawling up one leg.

*****

INVITATION:
I would love to  hear from my dear readers: what beliefs have been most instrumental in keeping you small and limited? I know that for each of these beliefs that are let out in the free – openly showed here,  the Universe will join us in allowing them to be released

The Thoughtspinner

20 years ago I painted this inner gestalt – and I could SEE how utterly isolated it was. Around its head are its ever-repeating thoughts: too late – it will never work -stop it – hush- oh , you never will learn – it will never work – GIVE UP!

It is an excellent tool for not daring new things, never speaking up, never changing old thoughts, staying in the same old rut – ice cold, yes, but safe – she tells me

I look at her now with tenderness and am willing to embrace her for as long is needed.

This morning I had a repeated  nightmare: an invisible being is grabbing my arms, and this morning grabbing my whole body and carrying me upstairs. It is a shock to notice that there is something with an invisible body who has the power to grab me – because the body-consciousness is very physical, and the grabbing something has a non-physical body, and that makes it over the top uncontrollable – and personally, I go into stories about ghosts and lost souls and powerlessness.

But I am far above this now- so I sit up in bed and decide to  be with the “something.” I remember Carrie Triffet’s words:

When you feel your fear-based stuff arising (for whatever reason), just pause and pay attention. Remind yourself that even though this shitty set of familiar thoughts and feelings seems powerful and inevitable right now, in truth it’s actually leaving—and in this moment of simple noticing, you’re actively helping to show it the door.   Every time you make a choice to notice your stuff as it arises; letting yourself feel the discomfort it brings, without falling into believing it…it’ll transmute. And as it leaves, you’ll be just that little bit freer. That little bit cleaner on the inside.   (If you want to transmute your fear-based stuff even more powerfully and quickly, give your stuff AND the event that brought it up, to love. Let love decide, what’s true and what isn’t. What’s guilty and what’s innocent. I talked about this in my last newsletter. It’s advanced level forgiveness, on behalf of your self and your entire world.)

I ask some of my beloved masters to be with me: Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, Durga and Quan Yin – “Please infuse my breathing” – and they do. My breathing becomes permeated with light, and all I do is allow the LoveBreath to be directed to the ice-cold holding in my midsection. I remind myself that I allow the divine to do the job here- since all my thoughts about what this is and how dangerous it is IS what keeps it in place.

When I relax like this – trusting LOVE to do it, not trusting the old story even thought it seems TREMENDOUSLY REAL – something melts and moves. And I know I am at last showing the old stuff the door – all darkness wants, is someone to show it the way home

Amanda Gorman

I am coming

I was deeply moved by Amanda Gorman’s poem – and these snipped lines stand out golden rimmed for me:

  Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true: 
 That even as we grieved, we grew. 
 That even as we hurt, we hoped. 
 That even as we tired, we tried. 
 That we’ll forever be tied together, victorious. 
 Not because we will never again know defeat, 
but because we will never again sow division.
 being American is more than a pride we inherit. 
 It’s the past we step into and how we repair it. 
 
 We will not be turned around or interrupted by intimidation because we know 
our inaction and inertia will be the inheritance of the next generation. 
 Our blunders become their burdens. 
 But one thing is certain: 
 If we merge mercy with might, and might with right,
 then love becomes our legacy and change, our children’s birthright
 With every breath from my bronze-pounded chest, 
we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one. 
 In every known nook of our nation, in every corner called our country, 
 our people, diverse and beautiful, will emerge, battered and beautiful.
 When day comes, we step out of the shade, aflame and unafraid. 
 The new dawn blooms as we free it. 
 For there is always light, 
 if only we’re brave enough to see it. 
 If only we’re brave enough to be it.
   
solvet saeclum in favilla

May every step humanity takes lead us to her presidency

***

The two images are my own art

The Stamina of the Stamen

Here is a dying Amaryllis – and it’s one perky Stamen that defies death.

I love that little white one with three leaves – like a three-leaf clover. And the strange face of that flower –

Here is stage 2:

 

Death you say? Highly overrated
Perky!
Now it is starting to be very interesting – and artistically exciting too
ooohhh close-up
Hm is it only me who – well –
The morning after – that is, today

For new followers, you may not know that I am a Course in Miracles student ( and even ordained Minister. Just mentioning it so that you will take what I write SERIOUSLY )  (clears her throat and scrapes her foot. )

ACIM holds that there is no death -Who we are, in our eternal Self, cannot die and has never been born

It is the sacred essence within all that is – and nothing is separate. Modern physics nods its head supportively.

 I happen to have a chronic lung condition which limits breath – and this night there seemed to be  almost nothing of it. It felt like death was one minute away. I got the thought that only fear creates illusions -and so it is the FEAR of not breathing I must look at. Immediately the lungs opened a bit more. I decided that this was not Corona – it was a “class-room”, as the Course calls it – a learning experience of how to recognize the shenanigans of the small mind, showing me that I had chosen THAT as my teacher , and thereby giving me this fear-filter to perceive the happening through. As soon as that insight came, I  breathed better – and now I knew that I was under the law of Love and not insanity.

“You cannot BE without ME – since I am Being through you” said Love. “The restriction in the lungs is just a mirror of your old resistance to me. And your fascination of that Stamen is your recognition that inside decay and death is this immensely alive Stamen, bursting out, bending upwards, against gravity  and toward the Light

 

Vandalized Wood

My hundreds of years old wood
I love the way it felt like going through a tunnel, the light playing on the trunks

Yesterday I went for a hike in my beloved wood, close to my home.

It was not there. It had been cleared – lumbered – and as I walked through the familiar path, the views were now open – and the scars were everywhere.

It was a shock  –  MY wood had been vandalized!

Now you might read the description of the wood like your own inner wood/soul landscape – like C.G Jung would.

I felt like all my safety and support had been shaken up and pulled up – like my entrails  now was hanging out of my mouth – sorry for that graphic image folks –

I was talking to my daughter in my cell phone as I walked, and I noticed how cool I was describing it – hmm I will feel this deeply when I come home, I knew.

I share this, since I have understood that many of my readers have been abused in some way – and some of them are bi-polar – so they will be able to pick up the healing energy as they read the post through, and BE HELPED just by hooking into the energy of forgiveness and healing of abuse of any kind.

I believe I have come into this incarnation to do just that – clear the structure of archetypal pain of “the victim” on as many levels as I can.

As soon as one of us chooses to see our wounds with love and forgiveness, that healing is AVAILABLE for all – and now it is up to everyone to truly accept it for themselves. That has taken 76 years in this life for me

As a therapist since 1988 – and supervisor for 20 years -I have gathered mine and my patients’ healing experiences in my book “ When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Take a breath here

I felt very bad at home – and was convinced it was COVID-19: I was feverish and it was REALLY hard to breathe. It lasted all day and much of the night, and in the morning, I called out for Anna – Jesus’ grandmother who always for some wonderful reason has been infinitely close.

I invited her to breathe with my lungs, and in a minute or two all the symptoms were gone.

So I asked: Where have I vandalized a landscape as vast and wonderful like this wood?

Ahh – it was my inner wood I had vandalized.

I immediately recognized it:

This happened when I returned home when I was about 4 years old and hade been brutally abused in a wood close by.

 I got home, I don’t know how, and rang the bell. My mother came out and SAW me – there was a terrified look on her face as she SAW what had happened –

and then she turned it into something I had wrong wrong – ripped  and soiled my clothes.

In that shattering moment when I understood that I would NOT be comforted – I could NOT share what had happened and my experiences of it – the inner vandalizing started. I told myself this must be something fundamentally WRONG with me – and my salvation was of course to start bettering everything about me.

That procedure was in itself a recipe for self hatred.

Here is in short the forgiveness-process that Jeshua gives in the Way of the Heart.

FORGIVENESS Jeshua
1. “Use your ordinary experience in each day to observe what pushes your buttons… As you go through your day, observe when you feel as though you are in contraction. Are the muscles of the body tight? Is the breath very shallow?… That is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself… Therefore, count it a blessing if you feel disturbed.” (page 35)


Begin to breathe deeply and rhythmically. Let the body softened and relax, and ask: ‘What is it within this person’s energy that is really causing my reaction?’ You will see it right away: “Oh, they are so critical. Criticism pushes my buttons.“ Then ask yourself: ‘When have I done that to another?’
“Watch the image dissolve and disappear from your mind. Bring your awareness back to the present moment and that person that just pushed your button… within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being (e.g.) critical to temporarily make a home in their mind. And merely ask the Holy Spirit to see the innocent light within them.” (page 36)

I made a choice in that moment – to squeeze out any inner signs for needs – like comfort, like “being saved.” Because, said my mind, my mother surely HAD TO BE RIGHT – I had to trust my mother.

And this glorious night, as I used the forgiveness formula with Anna present – breathing through me – I watched the image of the two of us dissolve in light and disappear from my mind. I saw the innocent light around and in  us both – and I recognized our soul contract: – she and my father had soul-signed up to play these roles for me, so I at last in this incarnation could get a good hold of it all, look at it with love, forgive it and let it go. ***

***

I have been working with this theme for over 30 years. It has taken a lot of work and stubbornness to get to this place.And the trees had grown REALLY tall and the Light had trouble getting in to it.

My daughter suggested in the phone that I might return and present the de-lumbered wood with gifts. I see myself walking through it and singing and dancing to it – giving my energy to the place which is now open to new growth.Most important – now LIGHT can reach all the way down to the very ground.

I hope this experience has done this with me: cleared me out for receiving LIGHT all the way down to my very roots

And here are som more photos of the old wood:

 

You can see the light blue spot to the left – that is a broader hiking trail to the top of the mountain. Now all the trees you see here are cut down. There is free access to the main path to the top 🙂

Bewitched Princess

I live from the old adage – As within, so without. I have chosen to believe that whatever I react to from outside, mirrors something inside I still have not forgiven and released.

I am currently given to explore the archetype of the Bewitched Princess – within myself. She is the one who is lured into mountains by Trolls – and ends up believing in her bewitched role: guilty, sinful, slutty… and wanting more of that kind, “cause that is who she IS.” She is an inner “gestalt”, and she is available for light. My job as an awakening human is to learn to relate to the archetypes inside my mind with compassion, Light, love. As I use the methods I find most effective ( which are constantly developing) the influence from the darker archetypes lightens -I can more easily recognize “ah, there she is -” – no more identification, just a recognition of something that needs my attention and Love.

This is a fairytale that we find in most cultures – Beauty and Beast is one variation – and in 1974 I had stage design and puppet design in a production in Oslo New Theater, The Companion – with my brilliant husband Karel Hlavaty as wizard of the technical stuff. He was a master of illusions, professor in Puppetry and technology, and was one of the small group in Praha who developed the method of Black Theater and brought it to Europe – via Laterna Magica, the famous Czech theater in Prague.

Karel flied from the old Czechoslovakia in 1968 when it was invaded by the Soviets, came to Norway and we met at the Arts and Craft College where I took my Bachelor. He got a teaching job – and he wanted me as his assistant. To be honest, he wanted me in other ways too. I was 24. He was 49… and dark, gloomy looking and with a tremendous charisma. We ended up working together in Norwegian Theaters for 20 years until he died in |1988.

He introduced Norway to Black Theater and other experimental forms. The rod puppets below are made by me, and belong to a Norwegian Fairytale called ” The Companion”

Here the princess is with the troll, as depicted by Carl Larsson, Swedish artist

And here the Bewitched One hangs by my bedroom window. As I woke this morning, the sun shone right through her costume – which is what transformation is all about. We need the Light of Divinity – or Holiness – to help us see through the dark form to the eternal innocence inside. And more and more these days I discover the truth in this – that LOVE is eternally present as the essence of all – from Troll to Princess.

And when I turned my head on the pillow this morning and was met with the sight above, it felt like The Holy Rays of Light shone right through the old costume of bewitchment. And deep inside, a blessed warmth grew through an ice cold part of me.

In the story, the main character – Johannes – gets a mysterious Companion who knows well all the levels of magic and transformation, and assists Johannes in getting the princess he wants so much. But since she now is bewitched, she won’t have him. The Companion assists him on his way into the mountain to lure and listen to the conversations between the Troll and The Princess – to find out how to purify her and change her back into her free self and to cut the head of the Troll/ The Bewitcher, whom we all have inside.

So there were two puppets starring as princesses – here she is in her True Self. My poster to the left shows The Companion and Johannes, and the magical holy Sword of Truth behind them.

In my book “ When Fear Comes Home to Love” I describe my own and patients’ path from being “swallowed” by archetypes and  back into the Light that is our true Nature. By working with these themes for 25 years I detected ten archetypes – all of them well described in Myths and Fairytales. And now, with Karel through 20 years, I got to explore them even more in costumes and characters in our productions.

What do You Want?

In A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery, Jeshua / Jesus underlines again and again: we have the power to choose. Through more than 30 years I have discovered how I have to get in touch with the parts of me that are afraid of life with a big L – and stay in their old mode as scatterbrained terrified parts . The more I have explored successfully how to BE with these parts – with breath and Love – the more my possibilities to CHOOSE what I truly want is offered. The last example blew my mind.

On my facebookwall I recently discovered that my cover photo – a big shiny smiling baby face – had been crumpled in a piece of its jaw, and the profile photo was placed smack in the middle of. I tried to fix it by Facebook protocol, muttering angrily, telling myself ” I DON’T WANT THIS!”

Forgetting the law of energy: what I resist, I give power to.

I heard: ” What DO you want?”

Ahh. “I want all of the baby’s face to be visible – and I want my profile photo at the lower end to the left.”

And feel free to not believe this – in that moment I saw the scrambled Facebook wall presentation blurring and then becoming just as you can watch it now.

I have deep respect for all the work I have done to love all those dark parts in my ancestral line – and in my own multitude of incarnations playing alternative villain and victim ad nauseatum – and now I am shown that I shall be truly aware of what I want, and be willing to consciously let the rest go.

Yesterday I wanted to look at crazy stressed TV election Biden/Trump – everybody visibly caught by the momentum by it. I ate favorite desserts and green filled peppers with a scrumptious tomato sauce ( the word-correction program suggested COMATOSE ) – and I felt like drugged and speeded up and I noticed that THIS was what a majority of my parts wanted.

When I saw that – and did not judge it, as I have truly learned is SO silly – I suddenly decided to STOP watching the election frenzy and go do the dishes instead.

And the most delicious shover of Light shivered through me – no more “I shouldn’t have’s, or ” when will I learn?”

Now – to truly TRUST that what I want for my highest good – and choose – will happen.

The timing is not up to me, though 🙂

Resisting Love

Anybody who has been abused/molested or has been on the perpetrator side,this is for you. You may just be helped a lot by “When Fear Comes Hoe to Love” in the right menu.

Last night in bed, I wanted to link up with Love again – realizing this is a habit that needs reinforcing to build new neural pathways. Big hiccupping started in the solar plexus, and I saw an intense dark resistance there: I will NOT have any connection with Light!

“What do you need?” I asked – remembering my old work with the demonic 25 years ago. I told it “ I am here for you, I am not going anywhere..”

At once I saw the image of myself in the old garden four years old, that I describe in the Chapter BIRD in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” BIRD is the archetype of the one who sees her SOLE worth as being there for everybody else – and not herself, whom she judges wrong and guilty.

It is the archetype that resists the light – as it is anchored and springs from the very belief that it is the opposite of love, and so would be annihilated by it.

I hold the child who identified with the archetype: now: I got you! This is just a memory – what you feel are just coming from your conviction that you are NOT what you are: Pure Light made in God’s Image. And when you put an “I” behind those thoughts, they become your identity.

I see the energy gestalt squirming and fighting, and ask my beloved female illumines Quan Yin, Aurora, Shekinah and Anna to stand around what I called me, and I ask the Legions Of Light to stand at the very entrance of the Solar Plexus Chakra in the spine – and from there shine their light through the Solar Plexus out of the navel. They tell me it will take some time, and that I need to remember to breathe it all out when I notice the discomfort.

The little one that I split off completely sits on my lap and witnesses it, no longer identified with it – like waking up from a thousand years old nightmare

 

 

The little girl in the sunspot

In these days I am working with – playing with – the old persona: the one who is simply “wrong”, the one who has accepted this, because it gives her an opportunity to ” better” herself, to adapt into what the others want her to be – and so  be SAFE.

When I talk to her in the morning, and ask her if she is willing to let go of that belief and idea that she is wrong – she says yes! and then – ” but who will I be when I am not HER??” and she shares her panic of losing herSELF and be eaten by demons.

In this moment a clear image comes to mind – my brother told me this, many years ago:

I am 2 years old – sitting on the floor, playing with something – stones maybe – and I am sitting in the center of a bright and shining sunspot. My brother shared the radiant peace and joy in that image –

and now I share it with my little girl:

THIS is who you are. – is THIS you in danger? is there anything wrong with her?

Nothing.

And she sees that everything else she has thought about herself, how she “is”, is simply the costumes she has taken on through life – the costumes that belongs to her role that is part of the play this family has played out this life.

I am that girl in that circle – and the truth is that  this Light comes out of Who I am – who we all are, when we are willing to see the Godfilledness in all, as the  very fabrics of the Universe that is us

I invite my readers to take a peek into the two books in the right menu – they contain experiences, insights and playful methods to use our pain and transform it into gold. The loving Voice who guides me is the loving voice inside us all – always ready at our choice to receive it.

Right now – this child is YOU, outside time and space, forever safe in the arms of LOVE

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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