Resisting Love

Anybody who has been abused/molested or has been on the perpetrator side,this is for you. You may just be helped a lot by “When Fear Comes Hoe to Love” in the right menu.

Last night in bed, I wanted to link up with Love again – realizing this is a habit that needs reinforcing to build new neural pathways. Big hiccupping started in the solar plexus, and I saw an intense dark resistance there: I will NOT have any connection with Light!

“What do you need?” I asked – remembering my old work with the demonic 25 years ago. I told it “ I am here for you, I am not going anywhere..”

At once I saw the image of myself in the old garden four years old, that I describe in the Chapter BIRD in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” BIRD is the archetype of the one who sees her SOLE worth as being there for everybody else – and not herself, whom she judges wrong and guilty.

It is the archetype that resists the light – as it is anchored and springs from the very belief that it is the opposite of love, and so would be annihilated by it.

I hold the child who identified with the archetype: now: I got you! This is just a memory – what you feel are just coming from your conviction that you are NOT what you are: Pure Light made in God’s Image. And when you put an “I” behind those thoughts, they become your identity.

I see the energy gestalt squirming and fighting, and ask my beloved female illumines Quan Yin, Aurora, Shekinah and Anna to stand around what I called me, and I ask the Legions Of Light to stand at the very entrance of the Solar Plexus Chakra in the spine – and from there shine their light through the Solar Plexus out of the navel. They tell me it will take some time, and that I need to remember to breathe it all out when I notice the discomfort.

The little one that I split off completely sits on my lap and witnesses it, no longer identified with it – like waking up from a thousand years old nightmare

 

 

The little girl in the sunspot

In these days I am working with – playing with – the old persona: the one who is simply “wrong”, the one who has accepted this, because it gives her an opportunity to ” better” herself, to adapt into what the others want her to be – and so  be SAFE.

When I talk to her in the morning, and ask her if she is willing to let go of that belief and idea that she is wrong – she says yes! and then – ” but who will I be when I am not HER??” and she shares her panic of losing herSELF and be eaten by demons.

In this moment a clear image comes to mind – my brother told me this, many years ago:

I am 2 years old – sitting on the floor, playing with something – stones maybe – and I am sitting in the center of a bright and shining sunspot. My brother shared the radiant peace and joy in that image –

and now I share it with my little girl:

THIS is who you are. – is THIS you in danger? is there anything wrong with her?

Nothing.

And she sees that everything else she has thought about herself, how she “is”, is simply the costumes she has taken on through life – the costumes that belongs to her role that is part of the play this family has played out this life.

I am that girl in that circle – and the truth is that  this Light comes out of Who I am – who we all are, when we are willing to see the Godfilledness in all, as the  very fabrics of the Universe that is us

I invite my readers to take a peek into the two books in the right menu – they contain experiences, insights and playful methods to use our pain and transform it into gold. The loving Voice who guides me is the loving voice inside us all – always ready at our choice to receive it.

Right now – this child is YOU, outside time and space, forever safe in the arms of LOVE

 

Water Station


Dream: it is night. The sky is enormous. There are new star constellations:  they are now red – like a miniature milky way. I point them out to a fellow traveler: Look! LOOK! She has nothing to say, and I instantly give her power to take my excitement away.

Instead of the myriad of train tracks, there is now water. Crowds of people stand on the platforms, the water is dark.

I have a boat! An old plastic boat, like the ones in the sixties. I maneuver it clumsily, since there seems to be no oars-still, the stream in the water takes me in the direction I want to go.

There is a strong energy of insanity in the air

*

Awake, I go into the Rose garden where I meet my inner children. I find an 11-year-old and also a 14-year-old and a 15-year-old. I tell them I am there for them, to listen and love and support them. They are terrified of dying and being caught in this field of insanity, where there seems to be demons everywhere. And it so happens that I, as Christ Self, hold them and witness them and they feel safe feeling all of that agony – that is possible as soon as they are being loved. Now they are not alone.

It takes some time, but we have it.

They realize that they see everybody around them through filters of terror and confusion. Gradually they realize that it is safe to look WITHOUT these filters.

The children think THEY have to change the insanity-energy – I tell them, NO – the only thing they have to do, is to ALLOW the Light to do it FOR them and THROUGH them. Willingness to surrender the “doing” is all it takes.

They recognize that their hands are bone dry, there is no moist inside.Their terror has chased all feelings and water away in their bodies. I call forth the Angel of Water, and gently she arrives and takes her place inside us, watering our bone dry places, our deserts of postulating that we are without Love. We are willing to be wrong 🙂 and how lovely it is to be wrong about the belief that we are stuck in agony-land

I see how many of the babies here are frozen within this fear too.  And smiling I witness my healing children running to them and picking them up, singing to them, humming, stroking, embracing, rocking them, singing

 

Liberation of the Root-chakra

For old readers, who has followed this blog for some years – you will remember the “morning-gloom-and-doom” that has stayed in place, whatever else I have done healingwise.

These glorious days I see it as my greatest liberator.

Let me repeat that with an exclamation mark!

These glorious days I see it as my greatest liberator!

The last two days it has come with a ferociousness that is remarkable – and luckily I remembered this advice I had received recently:

“Scary difficult memories/energies/sights: Now you have the choice NOT to launch into your habitual patterns of resistance, but to stay with the rawness and discomfort of the situation – and let it transform you. ALLOW IT to set you free!”

And as soon as i dropped the identification with the feelings – I am NOT this, I am the awareness of it – it dropped, and it was tolerable. I talked lovingly to the part that had held on to the pattern of resistance as a surviving/coping mechanism, and honored for her choice to do that – she kept us alive and reasonable sane – well, sane enough to go through educations, get a job, get married etc etc – all the stuff we call life.

As soon as I saw this as a gift, the energies started to move. The part of me went through several layers –  intense terror, then dense fields of confusion and thought-spin – then huge rage and anger, then deep grief, then loneliness –  then I allowed it to wash through me, but knew all of this belonged to her – that little one that had gone through all of that. I was in the observer-position – and the part was not fused with me any longer, and could feel it all. I felt it with her, but did not identify with the “me” in it -it was just energy, it had come for a reason – to be seen and acknowledged and held and honored, so “she” and I could finally experience the LOVE that surrounded all of that.

The little one asked the Light “why wasn’t you there when the awful thing happened!” and the Light gently and lovingly told her :

“We were there when it happened. You dissociated from the trauma, and your fear and horror prevented you from seeing our presence. Now you know that we were there – and in that way, you will feel safe being in touch with the repressed feelings later. We have witnessed it, and our love and space for you will melt the negative energy-fields still clinging to your aura – as you yourself find forgiveness within.”

The last paragraph is part of the book ” When Fear Come Home to Love” which I present in the right menu. I have “known” this for 30 years – but these days, it feels like a much more comprehensive healing – like i visit it through many layers. It feels blissful each and every time i get to this place – it is only the resistance, and my identification of this victim, that keeps the pain and energies going. WITNESSING the pain FROM the Self – the loving Observer – transforms and transmutes it.

And now to the fun stuff – the synchronicities after such a lovely process. I get out of bed, and are nudged to open one of the many creative journals I have in front of me in the bookshelf. I open it randomly, and find this image:

The freed Root wicenter

After taking a photo of this to share, I found my had going into another cupboard and taking out a miniature book. I opened it on this page:

 

 

Alarmclock-miracle

I woke with the incessant morning agony – mixture of suicidal thoughts and murderous ones. Quite a soup I tell you! Now,  I am aware that Spirit is trying to tell me something here – I know I am not a victim of this, just something my soul wants to convey. And it did – very sweetly and to the point this morning.

I sat up in bed and aligned with my Source of Light – acknowledging that my Father and I am One. At once, I saw that the repeated energy came from the archetypes Fuckeat and Child, described in “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” I have found these two to be polarities, where the one is dominant, the other is a shadow.

When that realization came, I recognized 1) this is what Jeshua calls ” a creation” – and 2) I want to find what is the neutral part in both of them – what is the first feeling expressed that was judged and repressed/denied.

Big relief just by realizing this.

The innocent first feeling of what later has grown into  the Fuckeat archetype in the human mind ( the fear-archetype which consists of murder-lust,domination,all kind of brutality and human perversions) – the first what came up for me was:

I hurt  – and since nobody is willing to care and comfort me, I need to see this hurt on another face = projection.

The first feeling of Child ( the victim archetype:) I need my caretakers to acknowledge my innocence  and vulnerability as beautiful.

I saw both of the archetypes before they were projected and judged – just natural thoughts and needs in the human mind, believing itself to be outside God’s love, having to prove itself valuable by its deeds – denying the eternal beauty and love that is God’s gift to Its child. I forgave the judgments I have projected on those two early separation thoughts  – I felt an opening,a release – and then I spoke out loud:

” And now I do embrace you.”

The my clockmaker by my bed gave two signals ….OOHH! New funny miracle! I meant to write  my alarm clock gave two signals and then stopped – but the word-correcting program wrote Clockmaker instead – which means my mind 🙂

Of course – the little machine did not do it, the smiling Self that I call BLUE did it through the electronic device. And the word-correcting program…is such a great symbol for Holy Spirit, who is the Loving Spirit who corrects my perceptions.

The sweet thing is – I thought I had turned that clock off – and when I looked at it, I had. Just two sweet pling-plings.

I guess that is what Child and Fuckeat are seen as from above – as figures in a movie, an illusion.

And please read me right: In no way do I mean to minimize the atrocities that the human is perpetrating to him/herself and each other –

but from above, Love looks down on us and see that the soul wants experiences – and in my case, I am now willing to see that the Soul wanted to be both victim and aggressor throughout its incarnations – because, how else can my mind learn that only what I embrace, I can heal?

What I embrace is in essence just energies – and when they are judged as not worthy to exist, they go underground and grow in darkness and bestiality.

I can see now the huge power in choosing Love – and inside, extending Love to anybody who acts out of confusion and fear and old patterns – and recognizing myself as one of us who deeply and truly wants to wake up, and therefore on a higher level  has chosen to be one of the creators  of these fear-archetypes – now I can fully dis-identify from both Fuckeat and Child –

I am the Loving Space and embrace of it

just like you

 

Liberation

I am doing a 30-days forgiveness practice from Way of Mastery, and last night I saw a black iron pole through the chest. Just as if I had been inside a Dracula’s body:) The release was s w e e t

Then next level of it came up – and it turned out that I was forgiving stuff in the root chakra. And then Blue reminded me of the image I painted 1998:(see photo of the tree below.)

The Bird in the crown-part is the archetype of the “savior” who needs” to “save” others to achieve value. I have found Bird in all my patients, and much of my forgiveness-work now are finding part of her in my bodymind and forgiving all my judgements of her – oh my! – and instead honoring her for her intense wish to be of service.

This image later became the cover of my book – which is about the exploration of the figures/archetypes in the Tree.

This morning I was nudged to look through the photos of the Image again – and since this healing of the root came up for me now, in our chapter 6-exploration,I want to share the very process of receiving the Image and the energy, that lead up to my work. It feels like this is the time for a new LIGHT into it – and into the root chakra we all share.

Here it is:

“During my education in Expressive Arts Therapy in Switzerland, our class gathered in Gwatt by Thunersee a couple of weeks in May to explore our birth families through painting, sculpting and storytelling, under the magic leadership of Mariagnese Cattaneo. Each of us was to visualize our family as a tree, and then paint the tree (see the Image / the cover). Afterward we made a story from the painting and shared it with a partner. The day after, we expanded the work further – making rapid sculptures of our family members from all kind of materials. I choose clay and painted tissue-paper.

As I closed my eyes during the visualization of my family tree, a tremendous energy soared through me. A door to a blocked and hidden room inside me opened – now the freed energy rushed forth to greet me. “Pay attention! This is important!” was the clear message within the experience. A melting sense of gratitude and release opened my heart and soul – something within whispered “at last” and relaxed deeply.

The image of The Tree presented itself with great force and detail. I painted as if in a trance, with lightning speed, serving the Image as well as I could – not censoring any of the strange mythical figures. The Image commanded faithfulness from me, and my feeling of curiosity and wonder grew as I allowed it to come through me.

After having written down the story coming from The Image, and having shared it with my classmate Aaron, The Image and Story would not let me rest. I decided to create a healing ritual from The Story. I did this with Aaron as co-player and witness. The insights were startling.

I sensed I was being shown something that must not be interfered with intellectually, not analyzed or controlled in any way. Once again, Aaron and I took my sculpted family out into the friendly Swiss wood, just outside our painting studio, to unravel them and explore their mystery and gifts of healing. The ritual exploration was done within a circular sacred space we created, and showed us with uncanny clarity the split within my family’s psyche. One the one side, there was blind need and terror, caused by trance-like sexual abuse. It was accompanied by the denial of the acts and all the pain they caused, which created the adapting, conforming survivors. The family had successfully dissociated from this. And then we all had dissociated from our Self and the light within – our true I Am. This was the beginning of the process that connected me to my forgotten personal story or myth – which later turned out to be a blueprint of the collective Myth, described in “The Jekyll and Hyde-family.”***

***A chapter in the book

Good bye to ghost stories

Thursday 2-3-17

Today I got my mother back.

It was a memory of music that did it – and most probably a session with Tapas Fleming, the creator of TAT: I was helped to let go of my old attachment to ghosts, as their helper and friend.

My mother has gone since 32 years. Her family and ancestors were also  close to that field of existence. She died from ALS, a really nasty disease. It’s a progressive neurological disease that causes dysfunction of the nerves that control muscle movement. Over time, this leads to muscle weakness, gradually affecting how the body functions, and then you die.

I grew up close to a graveyard – beautiful, peaceful, I saw it as MY garden and played there, mostly alone, except for the ghosts, that I perceived as my friends and wrote storied about. In the session with Tapas, my connection to “having to” be someone who could assist them to go home, was healed – and later I realized, that since the intention of TAT is to include all our ancestors, it certainly included my mother’s lineage. I am convinced that this procedure was essential for what happened the day after, when I had a sharing session with my friend Kit.

In this session, while I was speaking I SAW that both my parents had shown me the light, metaphorically – the place inside that is eternal, all loving, never-changing, radiantly truthful, brimming with life and presence. I shared it with my father in 3 areas:

Listening to music, only the two of us – mostly Mozart. We were joined at that Paradise place, and there were no words there, but perfect oneness. If my mother entered the room, that Paradise was always interrupted: my father went into preaching mode.

He could not share that with  both of us.

And – my mother could never share HER love of music with him, precisely because of this preaching tendency of his – but it happened when I came home from school that I overheard her playing the piano: Musette by Sibelius was her favorite. And mine. (NB: this guy plays it twice as fast as I loved to hear it – but still was the best I found on YouTube.)

And I sneaked up the stairs, and she heard me and stopped immediately, and I begged on my knees that she could play it once more – and some rare times, she consented – and we joined the Place of Light.

As I realized that both parents had shown me this Place, a torrent of tears broke and I sobbed with all my heart. Suddenly I SAW my mother as Spirit – healed and whole and innocent – and all the images of her as ice-cold and hard and rejecting fell away like old snow in April sun. I SAW her in front of me, as soul – on “the other side,” but in complete communication with me -just the same connection I shared when I joined with my mother’s ecstasy in music.

The torrent breaks through almost 70 years of denial – I have insisted of holding on to the image I held of her, the stories about her – and now it simply melted in front of this shared love, our union. The longing for her, the longing to join in LOVE broke through – I sob “my mamma, I long so much to join with you in THIS, and not all those stories from childhood!

There is no blame or anger at all in this longing – and for the first time, I see her Self, no projections now – just pure and whole.

I see her sitting in front of me, but still on the other side – she sits in profile, her head bowed, she is listening intensely with every cell to what I am telling her. At first she sits in shadow, but it lightens every second, and now I see her clearly. An inner earthquake shakes her violently, and still she is fully present within it, allowing these shakings to shake lose everything inside her role as woman and mother.MY mother in this particularly difficult lifetime, where she played the role of a mother who rejects her 4 year old daughter returning home after being group raped.  I sense her gratitude for this release, her joy that all that is false is shaken loose. No sense of guilt and sin, just shedding centuries of false beliefs and victim patterns lodged in cells and DNA.” I shake for both of us” she says, I know that is true. Now the shaking is concentrated in Root and Hara. She burps and belches, does not throw up, but throws her arms in the air and swears and smiles – no devil taking her to hell because she swears – we look right at each other and delight in this freedom.

My father, who played the role of a Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – person, and who showed contempt of the “concept” of a God, now was seen as playing a role – and I was shown places where he had demonstrated Source consciousness.

In addition to the heavenly music-joining, let me share the chanterelle-paradise

All the times he took me deep into woods, long hikes away from the trail, being guided by his phenomenal knowing where the chanterelle-places were. I remember the energy of him sitting silently down and brushing his hand over moss, like a wizard – creating a large patch of shining yellow chanterelles – and then intensely enjoying my delight at this treasure.

Recapitulating these times today made me see that he had guided me to the Light Itself – and that he therefore HAD the light available to him. The atmosphere in these places brim with light and love for me – and deep joining.

Also when we rowed out to the   open sea and fished – when the vast cloudless skies reflected in the mirror as dead calm sea, and  same oneness embraced us in timeless silent space.

When I understood that they HAD shown me Home, both of them – I knew without a morsel of doubt that we all had played in a drama we had chosen to explore as souls – and our roles were perfect. Now I could SEE the Truth of them both, and the joy of recognition was indescribable.

The day after, my daughter the musician visited and played the Musette for me. And my mother was present, glowing with joy.

All traces of ‘ghost’ about her – vanished

*

8/3 More release

Today  with  Heather ,I found that my Mount of Venus really was the shield of a big mother Turtle –  and that her shield stopped the insanity in my father’s energy during the sex to come into the womb. And so, my daughter did not have to swim in that womb energy for 9 months.  And has not been subjected to this energy, as i was.

Seeing that – and honoring that defense-mechanism (= turtle shield-) started an avalanche of releases. I saw how all my defense-places in this body had created their patterns out of the need to keep all parts of me safe – and now, the time has come to be brave enough and ready – to release them all.

At the end of the session I was sitting with a profound cold in the lower body – and heard Blue – my voice for Christ – remind me: “It’s not about becoming warm – to have “succeeded” in this – it is about just noticing exactly where you are RIGHT NOW, and honoring this – trusting the process.”

 

God is Playing

This is what I call these nudges and “coincidences” that constantly push me in the direction of awakening.

Outside of this path in the wood it is icy and slippery surface. I have crampons strapped on my boots. In my language, crampons and “sting” means the same – as in “Death, where is thy sting?”

Readers will probably have noticed that I live and am constantly nudged into awakening by my Higher Self, which I call Blue – by symbols and metaphors.

These happened today – after I had fully surrendered control to the Self Who know the Plan and has all the cards and knows all the steps in their perfect timing.

I stand in the dark wood, taking photos of dark and light – I am fascinated at the light I can see right outside the wood, shining in through trees standing very close.

Right in front of me the sun is shining in from my left, creating a shining path of Light. My heart starts to beat hard, a sign to pay attention. I know that stepping inside that path of light will feel blissful.

This is how it looks, right before I step into it.

(I have an mp3 player on, playing a podcast from a comedian.)

entrance-to-gloria

The comedian introduces a female group who sings a Christmas Psalm. The moment I step into that light, they sing: Gloria in Excelsis Deo and repeat in long enough until I become truly aware of the synchronicity.

Next photo:gloria-in-excelcis-deo

Here I am one step away.

And here I turn toward the sun and become aware of the Gloria, being repeated and sung again and again.

looking-right-into-gloria

Time disappears.

Then I walk on, and soon discover that I have lost my crampon on the right foot – or, as I would call it: the “sting.” When I search for sentences with “sting”, I find, ” Death, where is Thy sting?”

I decide to walk back until i find it. I don’t find it, and return to the shining light path. Right there – where I stood – lies my “sting.” It is of thick rubber with metal crampons/stings-it is very surprising that it can come off by itself at a place where I just stood still.

After some steps I realize that I lost my “sting” exactly in the place where I left the dark and entered the Light, knowing it was sacred.

Thank you, Blue!

*

Next sign: A new comedian talks – about Plato. “ He knew that reality lies outside of the world/ the cave.”

In this exact moment, the mp3 freezes up – and i realize that this is the same theme as the first:  Gloria and Reality lies in Light, outside the world.

3 sign:

At home, I hit my right hand ring-finger nail/tip against something.It has always been extraordinary sensitive to be touched, and today the pain is overwhelming. Thank you for this sign – I sit down with the intention to find what wants my attention and healing.

“Milk!” Ah…this has to do with mother’s milk. – My mother’s milk was toxic and I could not digest it properly. My soul understood that I had a mommy with poison inside her. I could not KNOW this, so I denied and repressed it . NOW it bursts forth with a torrent of tears and loud crying. “I don’t want this mama!” It lasts for a couple of moments, and then there is deep peace and warmth spreading all through me.

And  profound gratitude.

DOG

The last 3 years or more, whenever I have met a dog, there is a furious barking at me. My neighbor’s two dogs go crazy when they see me. It is not fun at all. I get that there is a furious “dog-energy” inside me that I still haven’t made peace with.

Two days ago, a dog barked wildly on my lawn under my bedroom, 2 am – running frantic to and fro.I went out and yelled at it to go home, a huge rage was in me, and it felt like it was actually acting that out FOR me, making me aware of the energy within me that i until then had judged.

Same morning, my neighbor came out to walk her two dogs the very second I was opening my door.The dogs were in a leach, and  barked and charged  at me like crazy.

This  anger-mirroring became even more clear when yesterday, a visiting dog next to my neighbor ran out of their door and stood peeping at me through my fence. It was orange and its look was fierce. Then it too started its wild barking and came charging at me. I pretended I was trained by Cesar Millan and radiated calm assertive energy ( or intended to!) It charged in a bow around me and ran to my door – and then stood on its hind legs, barked wildly and begged to be let in.

Then its owner came running. She did not look at me at all! But she yelled at the dog: this is not your house! you do not live here! and reluctantly, the dog turned around and followed her. Not once did she look at me – like I was invisible.

Later I had two friends visiting for Christmas. Late evening we started to talk about anger, I shared the dog-incidents and that I thought they were mirroring old anger in me. Something deep in me relaxed – having been shared and not kept inside a cloak of shame.

I could not sleep. The body felt like filled with angry ants, eaten alive from inside – and I started to realize that this happened FOR me, not TO me. I wanted to do Spontaneous Transformation on the aspect that carried this tremendous inner irritation. For almost 2 hours I focused on the chest, where I found the aspect, and told it “I see you, I am here for you, I am not leaving.” I drifted in and out of spacing out, but suddenly, the connection was made – the aspect KNEW it was witnessed, not alone, not denied, not judged anymore. The next hour, the  intense itching/rash abated,and I got some hours sleep.

This morning I went up early to hike high in the mountain to see the sunrise – and to pray as Jeshua teaches us in Way of Mastery, as the closing ceremony of this year’s training. As I crossed the road to take the path up the mountain, I passed close to four sled-dogs living in a little shed of their own outside  a farm. And a concert started: no barking this time – just a wild howling for four voices. I was aware that my energy was changed – and I got he idea that this was a singing to my honor: I had truly owned that wild attack energy in the night, no more resistance to it, no fear or judgments – it felt like I was one of them.. a wolf-pup being accepted into the tribe.

I taped it on my little recorder. Tears were running, great release.

The howling continued until I had passed their house.

Then I climbed the hill, watched the sunrise, prayed and received the Light, It felt wonderful beyond description, and I was filled with joy and gratefulness.

At the path down again, I heard a click to my right, and it was my cellphone that had taken a photo. This one:

dsc_0865

This green heart…I looked into the ditch by the trail at right, it was a heart shaped stone covered with moss. I took a deliberate photo of it:

dsc_0866

I felt blessed. I met people with dogs coming toward me on the trail, the dogs did not notice me at all, and we humans  wished each other  a Joyous Christmas. There were lots of smiles.

Close to my house, my closest neighbor was out walking her 2 dogs. For the first time in years, no reactions at me at all – but a big smile and hug from her.

I am blessed

 

 

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

*

Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

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  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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