LUGGAGE

I am celebrating! I had a dream where losing my luggage  brought nothing but indifference – and then relief!

It had likely been stolen – and I hadn’t notice before today when I was returning. I did not fuss about what worthables  I might have lost – I did not give it a thought ! ahhhhhh – and I just put on whatever garment I had left to cover my body going home on public transportation. It was VERY casual to put it mildly

This “i don’t give a fig” – I can’t tell you how utterly freeing it felt

lightly my darling

This is for all us trying too hard –
It’s dark because you are trying too hard. 
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. 
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. 
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. 
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. 
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. 
No rhetoric, no tremolos, 
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. 
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. 
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. 

So throw away your baggage and go forward. 
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, 
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. 
That’s why you must walk so lightly. 
Lightly my darling, 
on tiptoes and no luggage, 
not even a sponge bag, 
completely unencumbered.




~ Aldous Huxley
from Island

Changing rooms

Before going to Eckart Tolle and Kim Eng retreat, the defense- patterns psyche had for a week exhibited panic and disaster thoughts. My psyche is trained to see the outer universe as clear and precise manifestations of my psyche, it was very enlightening to notice what played itself out the first days at the retreat in Norway.

The people were accommodated in small houses. These apartments were also rented to ordinary families, and their personal stuff was still in the house – like paintings, glassware, curtains, puzzles.

1) First apartment/ the condition of my mind the first evening: I was given an apartment that had spider web hanging from the roof – in the corner behind the bathroom cupboard was a nest of the strangest spiders I have seen – big with super thread-thin legs. Nobody had bothered cleaning in the corners/the subconscious . I grabbed the toilet brush and smashed as many as I could.

The cupboards were filled with chaos: little pencil stumps, bits of electric cables, pieces of puzzle, things that was completely unnecessary since they were removed from a larger context. It witnessed of a mind that did not de-clutter. Mine. It was very cold inside.There was an electric oven there, it was on wheels and missed on wheel. The electric socket was behind a HEAVY coach which was hard to move.

Seen symbolically: my mind is filled with fear and completely useless clutter. It reflected a belief that I am not worthy to have a “home” that is clean, warm and welcoming.

I decided that this was not a belief that I was willing to keep, forgave myself and complained to the reception, that was willing to give me a new room right away. I told them it was OK to wait to next day, since I was too tired to pack up everything that I already had unpacked.

There were no lights in the bedroom – and a chicken ladder that was almost vertical going up to it. When I got up to get to the bathroom in the night, I had to go backwards down in pitch blackness.

2.apartment:

It was 100 meters away from the first one. It was the only one with a big “WELCOME”-sign on the door. In a window on the door, a crocheted white mandala welcomed the renter.

Inside was light, space, delicate furniture, maritime touch. A big reproduction of a painting: “Built in 1896, and named for the Brazilian seaport at the mouth of the Amazon, the Belem originally shipped chocolate in its hold from Brazil to France. At 170ft its first shipment of wine from Languedoc France to Dublin this February carried 60,000 bottles of fine wine saving an estimated 140 grams of carbon per bottle. On each of the bottles is a stylized sticker reading “Carried by sailing ship, a better deal for the planet.””

A better deal for the planet:”“Nice symbol: the state of mind that this apartment reflected was truly a better deal.

The house was meticulously and joyfully decorated with marine elements: for ex. fishes at the walls  –

I noticed the dreaded chicken ladder – went upstairs, nice big bed , but no light. I went down again and called the reception, asking for that light.

And then I discovered that room – there was a room here that was not in the first apartment: you guessed it – a bed room!

The feeling here gave me a strong sense of being welcomed. It was a great reflection in my mind from chaos and fear to harmony and belonging.

*

In our first meal, we found tables for 8. I instantly connected with an Englishman with very colorful and artistic clothes, sitting beside me.

The energy of Tolle – a human without ego – was tremendous. It brought up abysmal loneliness and “close to insanity”-feelings. I felt like possessed, but had also days with periods of complete happiness and peace. The last day, I noticed that the inner shell of my suitcase had crushed into pieces, and now only the outer form kept it together. You may enjoy that symbol too: suitcase – outer image of inner container of “luggage” from the past. The wheels – that made dragging the past easy along – were destroyed. That made it necessary to drag the suitcase without any help from wheels, and it was HEAVY – lot of past being dragged behind me. And also, dragging it created a hole in the bottom. I got gaffa tape from the reception and “repaired” it. Dragging it along, completely identified with the inner disaster-child again, a door opened in the apartment adjacent to my first apartment ( there were about 500 apartments)- and there was the Englishman that was my neighbor the first night, asking me if I was OK. I said no, and he invited me in for a cup of tea, and we had a talk that was deeply healing.

A group of about 50 persons bused to the train station. We entered the first compartment: it was a “quiet” compartment – which was sweet, since Tolle had talked about finding the stillness inside us.Now we were all within it.

*

At home, the first morning, meditating, it suddenly was completely clear: all the obsessive experiences in the night were nothing else that my inner child’s/ my suffering-identity’s/ most strongly held beliefs: I am sinful/dirty/alone/hated/nobody cares, nobody will ever see me/find me. I experienced them as having power over me – and therefore I interpreted them as coming from somebody outside of me – an evil spirit.

This morning I saw that there was nobody else in my mind but my strong belief in the disaster-thoughts described above.

A wave of tremendous LOVE swept through me: all I experienced in the terror nights was nothing else that the thoughts I had held onto as “mine” and “me” as a child. In that realization, I knew they were empty, innocent – and only powered by my mind.

At last that child was embraced completely from Presence, with no resistance.

What a wonderful pointer this is to “trusting the process.”

time dissolving

Time is certainly showing to be fluent. I went to bed about 12pm yesterday and woke up 2 am – and was convinced I had slept for 5-6 hours!The sleep-pattern is changing lately. There was also a lovely dream in the well-known pattern of me going to a retreat/hotel something, and this time my luggage were to be brought to me  by my parents – but it -they-never arrived:)

It seems I must have left my luggage where it belongs: the parent-area, where the emotional imprints are charged this lifetime –

Right now I am just sitting and saying thank you

thank you

thank you

and only when I say thank you do I truly know that I have received the gift

Luggage left

Dream:

My late husband, my then 11 year old daughter and I were preparing to return home(are all my dreams about that??) and we had HUGE amounts of luggage. Among other very important things where out three mattresses. Lots of suitcases and rucksacks too. And all had to be carried over cliffs for about one mile before we reached the place where our car was parked. I hated it.

I awoke in the very common state of dread, angst,depression, pains and crushing sensation in the chest. At the same time, there was something that was not touched by it :even though it felt like the usual hell-experience, I was not sucked into that story in the same degree as before. I was pretty soon aware that Love was present. I found myself saying: “Holy Spirit, I forgive myself for believing that there is something terrible in my mind that can hurt me. I am wrong about this: false experience appearing real = fear.

As soon as I noticed that the crushing abated as soon as I felt confident that whatever happens to me physically can NOT remove God’s Love from my heart, has not the power to take God’s peace away. I am acutely aware this moment that what is impermanent is not real, but God is always present.

I am willing to go home without any luggage at all. And without my dream husband 🙂 For the first time there is not stress and anxiety about leaving luggage/the past behind.

I can not wake up alone,without my brother

Dream: I am traveling on the longest train in the world. I have attended a course with clay, and have made many exquisite clay figures that I have brought with me in my luggage.

As I walk through the train, I leave my luggage behind in the compartment that is “mine” and some friends, and enter a dark compartment. Still, I recognize my brother – and we embrace.

Writing this, huge feelings pours through me: this brother and I have numerous incarnations together, mostly as lovers/spouses. In each of the incarnations that I know of, he has had the role of “betraying” that love – many times for monastic life, or a life in a Mystery Tradition. And I have had the familiar role of the betrayed and abandoned and left poor woman.

He has “betrayed” and left me this life too: he simply will and can not accept that I experienced the abuse that I did – that would crush his image of our father for him. So he is just silent. We don’t communicate. And as I don’t want to push him to accept what he can not, I have accepted the situation – but in my heart, I miss him so.

Now, in the dream, in the soft darkness, we embraced.And embraced,and embraced. I feel the old feeling of this NOW: there has never been any man I have loved as you. All old grievances slip off, as we see each other as the Holy Son of God. It is laughable to think that there ever could be anything else than this love between us.

Now we have reached the end stop of the journey. The tracks lead into a tunnel, but it is filled with snow and ice. Strangely, I spot somebody clearing that tunnel from the other side: we will get through! And so… I just have to get my luggage! I simply can not leave those clay-figures – my precious creations – so I tell him to wait for me, and rush back through the train…will it still be there?

I find one bag – but it seems empty! Franticly I call to my friends to help me, and one of them finds it for me –

I take my 3 bags and run to my brother- I have used hours on this search for luggage – will he still wait for me? Will he BE there?

“Are you here?” I call, and there he is – standing in a black suit in a stair, leading out of the train, through the roof – and he smiles and all time has left and all that is left is LOVE.

At the journey’s end we are One again – and I cannot get there without my Brother, as the Course says.

As I wake up from the dream, my body still carries the imprint from this embrace in LOVE. A little taste of Heaven for sure: a state of absolute clarity, peace and joy – and simplicity.

To open my heart for both of us is wonderful beyond words.

*

Here are many symbols of transitions – : the dark suit, the end of the journey, the stairs leaving the train/journey -this might mean that he might be close to death –

and if so, I know well that his body may die, but this connection to Love and Oneness never will-

and all the rest is completely meaningless

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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