I am One with God

Since last post, I have felt fatigue in such amount that I thought I was dying. As a metaphor,my bike’s back-wheel punctured – and I need my bike to hold groceries for me, so this brought up great fear.

I decided to buy stuff to fix the wheel and that I would get help with that, if needed.

The fatigue was still tremendous – and in addition, I found that my stomach was not willing to “ digest” anything – I simply could not eat, I was “full to the brim” with stuff not digested. Constant cramps in the legs for holding on to the energy and not allowing it to be grounded. Please help! What are these energies related to?

Immediately my awareness was, as so many times before, brought back to, as a small child, being abused by my father in a “Mr.Hyde”-state of mind – which I successfully dissociated. I remember making a decision to keep this horrible energy he was emanating, INSIDE me – it seemed in some way to be more controllable. And then I taught myself to dissociate too – and I was fabulous at it, so fabulous that only at 38 years old was I able to gradually know what happened to me and allow memories to come up.

I am 76 years old now – deeply committed to bring healing to all of it – and to dissolve any judgment I still have of the demonic stuff and myself. The cramps have allowed me to see that they come from resistance to the old abuser/Nazi-energy of my father in a dissociate state of mind.

As “Dr.Jekyll” he was the best father possible. There was a complete wall/ split between the two states of mind. ***

 

Now, to this glorious night:

I had a long dream where I travel desolated winter roads on foot. In a desolated wasted house, there are cut-off heads lying around, I try my best to not look upon them – but I HAVE TO – I must allow this fear to be felt in my solar plexus –so I allow it  – I LOOK.

Then the Police arrives 😊 they take care of it and remove the heads. When I wake up, there is still an echo of the agony in solar plexus.

Then I am in my last apartment – and I have signed up to be the protector and carer for a baby that I am not the mother to – she has gone somewhere. It has been given me to take care of. I am holding it –  it is in fact only a HEAD that I am holding – simultaneously an adult man’s head, and the head of a one-year old baby. I look at it with tremendous tenderness. At first, the man has the eyes closed – then opens them – and there is no life or soul in them – just distance. Then he sees me and awakens – and the radiance of his smile is dazzling. It is the smile of Christ.

Then as baby, he awakens too and sees me – an indescribable joy arises in us both. All is radiance.

I realize as awake that the tremendous cramps I have had for years come from demonizing that energy – for defending against it with all my might. And little Leelah had to do that of course – but the adult me has chosen to see it with Love and let go of it. Just energy now – unjudged, unburdened –

I invite the Legions of Light to tend to it in what way is most loving. I hear “ You just had to be willing to SEE and FEEL it through in all its gory details – and this time forgive the judgments about it, darling.”

Writing this, the Firefox-image started to flash and Microsoft demanded my “superpassword.” I wrote it in – (and become aware – what is my TRUE password that unlocks the blocks to anything?)

My superpassword is “I am One with God.”

And please substitute “God” with Holy, Christ, Universe, Buddha nature, whatever is YOUR word for It.

 

***I have described this clearly in  my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” And also all the ways I and my patients through 25 years worked with these issues, playfully and with deep compassion. Those maps for healing are in the book.

 

 

Helplessness and the Fixer

In the Corona journey we all are taking there are these days a collective bone-tiredness, a profoundly deep “ I can’t take this one more second.” The ones of us who are in an awakening process will notice this more acutely. I had one such day yesterday.

There is an old collective pattern: “I have to DO something about this. I, ME, the separate I, has to DO something or find out something -it must be something I have done wrong. There is a deep feeling of impotence and helplessness: I MUST do something – and nothing helps or works.

This is the very archetype of helplessness. In Non Duality (A Course in Miracles) I am helped to discover that this small I does not exist as a separate being – it is part of the collective mind that is convinced it has succeeded in separating itself from God /Source /Universe/Love.

The Corona virus has made these old fear patterns visible for us all. “I can’t breathe fully and freely” is one such pattern – and most of humanity has not been raised to breathe fully and freely, since that would allow us to be in touch with painful overwhelming emotions.

Personally, I have been caught in the belief that “this is something I must cope with – tackle – fix.” Then I try more and more and more to fix it – and that strengthens the feelings of powerlessness. I now give power to the belief that I, small mind,Leelah, has to do this.

I noticed that anything I did within this pattern, strengthened it. As long as I saw myself as a separate struggler and victim, I tangled myself deeper into the very archetype of helplessness.

I noticed that for me, the solution was: OH there I go again. ( smile.) I choose to drop these thoughts and rest in Love.

Now helpless-thoughts are not mine anymore – they just are humanity’s  thoughts – and Love flows into my mind. I notice I am willing to receive help from Love – and I am available for Love-thoughts.

It is good to make space for these energy frequencies. I can just sit with this as a meditation – making myself available – but even better for me is taking a hike in the wood.

 

Holy place in the wood
Sacred peace
Home

WATER

12 March the mouth dryness was back with a vengeance. I dove into the familiar“this is hopeless” landscape, but corrected it. Opened my Mystical Shaman Oracle – and the card was WATER.

It talked about the importance of stamina and determination of hanging in there. It said the journey would be messy, but it would be worth it. So I committed myself at last to truly allow myself to be where I seem to be – and even put some gratefulness into it: this is what will set me free for good.

The night was different – less mouth dryness – and in the morning I had a long dream about Egypt and the grand Kheops pyramid.*** I have been inside it in this life and in many dreams, it always feels indescribably wonderful and FREE. I cherish the energy of being inside it – the familiarity, the smell, the color of the stones – light orange brown. This dreamtime there were lots of tourists – and at the entrance, there was now a shop. All hand-crafted things – knitted and crocheted light caps caught my eye, they were light blue and so delicate.

I woke up from this dream many times – and in between talked with a guide who told me that what I am required to look at has to do with lives in Egypt where power was misused and for which I still unconsciously still carry deep guilt. How vital it is in this life to forgive ourselves anything that is not loving – it happened, it is over, my soul got its experience. I remember that nothing REAL happened – nothing that can harm our essential essence / Self. It happened within a dream of separation, and Reality is not touched. And when I endeavor to SEE the essence of my victims – there is no doubt that there IS only ONE pure and loving essence, and we are all IT.

It is always myself I forgive – for allowing any energy of illusion to temporarily rent a space in my mind.

The quality of connection between me and the masters feel crystal clear and loving.

***I placed my favorite Pyramid – the Sakkara – in my novel “Hilaryon Stories.” I discovered, when I visited Her in Egypt for the first time in this life, that she was truly alive with feminine spirit. In my book, she plays a main role – and Johann Sebastian Bach who turns up there, even has a Grand Organ in the apex chamber. ( Since that chamber is small, I solved it by shrinking by magic anyone and anything that I put into it. )

I don’t dare to post images of the Pyramids – there are rights to be considered 😦 But I will indulge in posting a review of Hilaryon Stories by Mona Gustafson Affinito:

Reviewed in the United States on November 24, 2020

When I have recommended Jungian books to clients and students, I have always suggested reading them as if one is a rock in a river. Don’t try the American way of grasping for reality and details. Just let it pass over you and be enriched by the parts that stick. Leelah Saachi has applied her manifold artistic, theatrical, and therapeutic skills to an in-depth trip into the possibilities of joy. Turning warts into loveliness, ugliness into beauty, symbols into meaning, stench into sweetness, fear into courage, all with a childlike sense of play and enhanced by reference to beautiful music — JB’s. Unfortunately my attempts to access the links to the relevant works didn’t work. My kindle went into panic mode trying to figure out where to go once Wi-Fi had been accessed, but the concept is delightful. The less than five star rating reflects the observation that this is not a book for everyone. Sometimes it reminded me of reading T.S. Eliot, greatly enhanced by recognizing her implied references.

Dissociation – or Going Trough the Ice

Going through my gallery and found a pic of when the pilot tip of our ice  auger made it through the ice, but the auger bottomed out before the drill  could punch
I found this on Google images -photo taken by SeeWhatEyeSee. This is a good image of how it FEELS to be in that ice cold spot where you are seen, but nobody cares about it

In non-dualism (A Course on Miracles) we are One mind – seemingly spread out as 7 billion humans and a zzzillion of others beings – the One wanting the experience Itself as all of creation. I have found the old adage “As within, so without” to be precise and workable for me in my daily life.

So this One – expressed as me / Leelah – takes much joy and giggles from playing with everything showing up for her growth. Today, as I randomly picked a page on one of my many small notebooks, I found this about BEARS:

“:But their hidden strength lies in the bear’s ability to travel between the psychical and spiritual worlds, a talent that is recognized all around the world by those who live in harmony with nature.

One way that bears access their inner world in during hibernation when they find a safe and womb-like environment to let their physical bodies rest while their spirit travels. They travel through time, mentally digesting and learning from their experience, but they also travel beyond the realm of mind and body into the dreamtime, where they are able to be rejuvenated by the source of all life. In this sacred space, they are connected to physical, mental and spiritual realms all at once and can find the balance that they need to re-enter the world.”

This capacity I have also found in the Essene tradition – the one Jesus grew up within. In books about that tradition, their mysteries and spiritual explorations, I read about the spiritual practice -meticulously trained through years – to revitalize their bodies as they lie inside holy structures, like pyramids, guarded by priests and priestesses. In the book, “Anna – grandmother of Jesus” by Claire Heartsong, you can read about this in detail.

SO in mu notebook, I saw that bears travel like this too – revitalizing themselves. Aint that something!

I looked at the Teddybear in my bed and smiled.

And thought about a split of / dissociated part of me – which I have described in When Fear Comes Home to Love – an image I have found in all my patients: A small child, living in a hole in the ice – the image of deep repression of needs and overwhelming pain and trauma.

To heal this inner archetypal part, takes tremendous love, loyalty, and time – and playfulness, I have noticed. So now I looked at my Teddy and wondered if s/he could be a surrogate for the inner child.

Being a surrogate for another is a well known method for those who work with healing and see ourselves as beings of spirit -knowing that we truly are ONE in spirit. I can intend to “embrace you ” spiritually and “ work” on you  within MY body I serve as your surrogate.

So I asked the inner ice-child if she would consider me working on her THROUGH Teddy. She said yes.

And so I took Teddy and did some energy procedures on her – and felt the results in MY body.

MAGIC!:)

Some procedures were instantly success – warmth and peace enveloped us ( the inner girl.) Others that I /Leelah love, did nothing for her – demonstrating that the dissociated part’s nervous system is not the same as mine –  our disowned parts live under slightly different laws than our physical body.

I LOVE how life constantly amuses me and refreshes me.

Dis-identifying

Slowly SLOWLY it dawns on me a knowing that I am finished connecting memories and feelings and seeing that as a prerequisite for healing and wellbeing. That ALWAYS brings great peace – but only for a few minutes, it seems. Now, since I started using the procedures in Wholeness Worksand doing the online training . it dawns on me that I, like the rest of the Corona-stricken humanity, are  pushed out of old modalities and forced to go deeply into the very kinesthetic about suffering -the felt sense, the sensation quality of anything.

What has repeated itself faithfully in my life is this: after each beautiful full healing, “something” goes right back to the usual stress and agony and chaosmind-mode – and the frequency of that is very low. What happened now were a change in my mind: instead of agonizing, I noticed the sensation of all that muck and chaos- collective thoughts – and I heard myself resonating, “I could be the awareness of all of that – instead of automatically identifying with it.

I was aware that I automatically had identified with ANY feeling that came to me – and that there had to be a part inside that chose to do that.

And that that part must be very old – and young – and that I now could gently invite it to accept the invitation to merge and integrate in and AS awareness – which is all around and inside with no edges and no judgments.

I did not sense that it said yes – but all the same, I felt a seeping of the low frequency energy into the full field of awareness.

The freedom felt indescribable. What was stunning was that I breathed much freer.

And it comes from a clear choice to BE the awareness of the suffering.

 

 

Inner Images and Sounds

Hi all

This blog shares my explorations with my mind, memory and body – to dissolve and release imprints of trauma in the cells. I have been shown clearly that any symptom comes from a memory of trauma that had to be stacked away when it happened – I have great respect for those parts of me that hid those parts. Through deep love and non-judgment for these parts, they have opened up for me – and today I will share how a deep inner itching – “Shingles” – came from inner images and sounds that my mind and heart could not be present too – as they at that time were far too frightening and threatening.

We all have those places. It is my experience that sending love to them is possible and healing.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love, I share my path through almost 30 years of explorations – with myself and my patients in therapy. When I sat up in the night when the itching was too overwhelming, I asked for help and opened the book randomly – always trusting that Spirit leads my fingers. They landed here:

Exercise: Giving is receiving

The images we store in our subconscious of the Fuckeat-attacks***, still have the power to put us in a permanent position of alert. This exercise may heal the inner enemy-image, and help us see the scared child within the aggressor – calling for help, just as our own inner Child.

Sit, or lie down. Close your eyes. Allow your breathing to become slow and deep. Put your focus on your heart for a while; know that your loving essence waits for you there. Breathe into this love, expand it. Feel and see it as a light within your heart that expands, embracing you in a cocoon of loving light.

Now visualize your abuser in front of you. If that is too scary, visualize him/her in the arms of their guardian angel. Look for a light-spot within him. When you find it, allow it to expand, until it surrounds him like a cocoon. Now see, within his heart, the image of his own inner child. See the child becoming aware of the light s/he is surrounded by. See her/him relax.

Go with whatever happens.

If you want to, allow the two light-spheres to merge. Remind yourself that the image you see within the light-sphere is a mirror of your own inner child.

Give whatever happens over to the Holy Spirit, or your own Highest Love.

***”Fuckeat” is the name I have given the enemy-archetype of the abuse-variety.

We all have our own inner guides of Spirit. When you faithfully do this work, they will arrange the most wondrous and funny synchronicities for you,, as they do for me.

After having worked a couple of hours in the night with embracing the energies and letting go of some of the images, a completely new sensation filled my chest and solar plexus-area. A feeling of safety the body never has felt in this life. And I had a great dream:

I am having a medical procedure in a hospital The doctor is the epitome of kindness and gentleness. After this, the door opens and a multitude of small children swarm in. I run around and call out: I am a love magnet! And whenever I touch a child, I tell it that now it is glued to me. There is a huge joy in this silly game, and I end up being in the middle of a large heap of giggling children

When I open my door to get the paper in the morning, a child has painted this heart right outside of my door:

I love to end this post with a poem I wrote recently:

The Last Judgment

First
The curve and fragrance of the cupola
The sweetness and dependability of the milk
The age old rhythm of the heartbeat

Landing

Belonging

Middle
You and me in the blue boat
Calm vast sea
Resting in the here – membrane
Between above and below
Looking and knowing
Smiling

Last
Being quietly present all the time
In dreams and awakenings
The knowing:
The Last Judgment
Is Love

 

The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

New place -or no-place

After 3,5 weeks of the Feminine Power -program, something inside changed drastically. The last week I have burned up inside, and body is sweating like crazy – but no fever, says the thermometer. There is a feeling of nothing to hold on to for the “me” – although there are LOTS of wonderful, effective and helpful practices in how to shift and change old patterns of victimhood and powerlessness.  But now there is an absolute impossibility about DOING something – not painting, stitching – around all of that is an ocean of hopelessness. I ITCH! Impossible to control this! No rules here! HELP!

Inside, I know: resistance to it creates the itching – get used to doing nothing to fix this – get used to resting and relaxing

Dream  this morning:

I am strolling through an area deep down in main town – a slum area, homeless persons, bums, tramps – jobless – but I feel safe there. Strangely, there is a peace here. Then the surroundings turn from outside in streets and alleys into a huge complex  – sic 🙂 –  now there are corridors,  but what they really are, are passages in my mind that are filled with elements that are culturally not  actively welcome by “society.” Since they do not have jobs – and are judged for that, being lazy and good for nothings and not “GOOD” citizens – this is the place in the mind that they are relegated to.

I feel only PEACE here – these faces are peaceful and harmless –

I discover an old classmate – she is leaning toward a wall, nothing to do, loose sweater and knee-length skirt, short reddish hair – there is nothing “made-up” about her – we just acknowledge each other with a friendly nod

The man I am walking with all day…he is dirt-poor, and still, kindness itself – we stop, and I look into his eyes

it is Christ

He has walked with me all the time –

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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