Dis-identifying

Slowly SLOWLY it dawns on me a knowing that I am finished connecting memories and feelings and seeing that as a prerequisite for healing and wellbeing. That ALWAYS brings great peace – but only for a few minutes, it seems. Now, since I started using the procedures in Wholeness Worksand doing the online training . it dawns on me that I, like the rest of the Corona-stricken humanity, are  pushed out of old modalities and forced to go deeply into the very kinesthetic about suffering -the felt sense, the sensation quality of anything.

What has repeated itself faithfully in my life is this: after each beautiful full healing, “something” goes right back to the usual stress and agony and chaosmind-mode – and the frequency of that is very low. What happened now were a change in my mind: instead of agonizing, I noticed the sensation of all that muck and chaos- collective thoughts – and I heard myself resonating, “I could be the awareness of all of that – instead of automatically identifying with it.

I was aware that I automatically had identified with ANY feeling that came to me – and that there had to be a part inside that chose to do that.

And that that part must be very old – and young – and that I now could gently invite it to accept the invitation to merge and integrate in and AS awareness – which is all around and inside with no edges and no judgments.

I did not sense that it said yes – but all the same, I felt a seeping of the low frequency energy into the full field of awareness.

The freedom felt indescribable. What was stunning was that I breathed much freer.

And it comes from a clear choice to BE the awareness of the suffering.

 

 

Inner Images and Sounds

Hi all

This blog shares my explorations with my mind, memory and body – to dissolve and release imprints of trauma in the cells. I have been shown clearly that any symptom comes from a memory of trauma that had to be stacked away when it happened – I have great respect for those parts of me that hid those parts. Through deep love and non-judgment for these parts, they have opened up for me – and today I will share how a deep inner itching – “Shingles” – came from inner images and sounds that my mind and heart could not be present too – as they at that time were far too frightening and threatening.

We all have those places. It is my experience that sending love to them is possible and healing.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love, I share my path through almost 30 years of explorations – with myself and my patients in therapy. When I sat up in the night when the itching was too overwhelming, I asked for help and opened the book randomly – always trusting that Spirit leads my fingers. They landed here:

Exercise: Giving is receiving

The images we store in our subconscious of the Fuckeat-attacks***, still have the power to put us in a permanent position of alert. This exercise may heal the inner enemy-image, and help us see the scared child within the aggressor – calling for help, just as our own inner Child.

Sit, or lie down. Close your eyes. Allow your breathing to become slow and deep. Put your focus on your heart for a while; know that your loving essence waits for you there. Breathe into this love, expand it. Feel and see it as a light within your heart that expands, embracing you in a cocoon of loving light.

Now visualize your abuser in front of you. If that is too scary, visualize him/her in the arms of their guardian angel. Look for a light-spot within him. When you find it, allow it to expand, until it surrounds him like a cocoon. Now see, within his heart, the image of his own inner child. See the child becoming aware of the light s/he is surrounded by. See her/him relax.

Go with whatever happens.

If you want to, allow the two light-spheres to merge. Remind yourself that the image you see within the light-sphere is a mirror of your own inner child.

Give whatever happens over to the Holy Spirit, or your own Highest Love.

***”Fuckeat” is the name I have given the enemy-archetype of the abuse-variety.

We all have our own inner guides of Spirit. When you faithfully do this work, they will arrange the most wondrous and funny synchronicities for you,, as they do for me.

After having worked a couple of hours in the night with embracing the energies and letting go of some of the images, a completely new sensation filled my chest and solar plexus-area. A feeling of safety the body never has felt in this life. And I had a great dream:

I am having a medical procedure in a hospital The doctor is the epitome of kindness and gentleness. After this, the door opens and a multitude of small children swarm in. I run around and call out: I am a love magnet! And whenever I touch a child, I tell it that now it is glued to me. There is a huge joy in this silly game, and I end up being in the middle of a large heap of giggling children

When I open my door to get the paper in the morning, a child has painted this heart right outside of my door:

I love to end this post with a poem I wrote recently:

The Last Judgment

First
The curve and fragrance of the cupola
The sweetness and dependability of the milk
The age old rhythm of the heartbeat

Landing

Belonging

Middle
You and me in the blue boat
Calm vast sea
Resting in the here – membrane
Between above and below
Looking and knowing
Smiling

Last
Being quietly present all the time
In dreams and awakenings
The knowing:
The Last Judgment
Is Love

 

The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

New place -or no-place

After 3,5 weeks of the Feminine Power -program, something inside changed drastically. The last week I have burned up inside, and body is sweating like crazy – but no fever, says the thermometer. There is a feeling of nothing to hold on to for the “me” – although there are LOTS of wonderful, effective and helpful practices in how to shift and change old patterns of victimhood and powerlessness.  But now there is an absolute impossibility about DOING something – not painting, stitching – around all of that is an ocean of hopelessness. I ITCH! Impossible to control this! No rules here! HELP!

Inside, I know: resistance to it creates the itching – get used to doing nothing to fix this – get used to resting and relaxing

Dream  this morning:

I am strolling through an area deep down in main town – a slum area, homeless persons, bums, tramps – jobless – but I feel safe there. Strangely, there is a peace here. Then the surroundings turn from outside in streets and alleys into a huge complex  – sic 🙂 –  now there are corridors,  but what they really are, are passages in my mind that are filled with elements that are culturally not  actively welcome by “society.” Since they do not have jobs – and are judged for that, being lazy and good for nothings and not “GOOD” citizens – this is the place in the mind that they are relegated to.

I feel only PEACE here – these faces are peaceful and harmless –

I discover an old classmate – she is leaning toward a wall, nothing to do, loose sweater and knee-length skirt, short reddish hair – there is nothing “made-up” about her – we just acknowledge each other with a friendly nod

The man I am walking with all day…he is dirt-poor, and still, kindness itself – we stop, and I look into his eyes

it is Christ

He has walked with me all the time –

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
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My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

Sore Thumb

This morning I am musing over what I have called “ The False Helper” inside – that part of us who finds her worth through helping others. Nothing wrong in helping – but the premise is false: our worth is given us by God, and only we can remove it by believing our scary thoughts.

Yesterday at bed time, it felt like my right thumb just crumbled and broke. I “saw” inside that the bones were in bits, and terror started its course: “you should have taken the Osteoporosis medicine! This is all your stupid fault! “ Instead of directly going to the Source by being still and breathing and asking for help to see this as Christ does, I agonized. Cause something in me thinks “this is me.” That something is addicted to the “me” that suffers. And so what cleared up this confusion this time was the reminder “ this is A PART OF ME” that thinks and feels it is broken, unrepairable, hopeless – and I am the observer of that part, I can be with it, find where it sits in the body, how old it is, talk to it: “ I see you, I am here to support you, I am not going anywhere…What are you here to tell me, to show me? Where are you in my body? What do you express through having that symptom? What do you need?

That part has feelings that has been denied and repress, maybe even dissociated. When it can speak and express, and we listen with deep compassion, it heals. There are no shoulds and oughtos from the Observer -us – who might feel like a wise Fairy Godmother. “ OF COURSE you would feel like that. Of course you would hate that person. Of course you could not say anything at that time when it happened – that would not have been safe. Is that true?” And we just listen and listen, it is a PART of us that speaks, she has been made up by our beliefs and our family’s beliefs  and our cultures beliefs about what is important and necessary.

But this bundle of thoughts and beliefs still stick with us until we turn around and embrace it.

I have a million of parts. It does not really matter what they have been doing, the soul has wanted experience. It has learned through us what the consequences are. Now it has learned and can choose again. But first I must listen to those parts with love, dialogue with them. And as an artist, my favorite way of doing that is to create images of the feelings and allow stories to come – so there need not be so much “figuring out” to do.

Back to the sore thumb -Jeshua tells me in this month’s lesson in Way of Knowing that the very tough situation/feeling we think we are in, can be the very stepping stone into Love: I now see the consequences of choosing separation and I can choose again.  “ OH” How great! I see the sore thumb as a metaphor of the thought “ I am broken!” There is a part of me who thinks she is broken, and she is fusing with me, identifying with me – I ask her gently to de-fuse so I can see her clearly. Then I can listen and support her in whatever she is feeling, letting her know that those feelings were the exact feelings to feel in that situation – hate, fear, rage. Whatever – of COURSE you would feel like that. What would you have needed most in that situation? Could you express that?” and so on.

And for the thousandth time, I see how that PART of me created a safe identity for herself – by paying attention to others’ needs instead of her own, which she stuffed away. Huge love for that part. Of course she did that – what a great way to survive in that family.

I watch her stomping and raging and screaming right now, and I encourage her to do just that. She calms down after a while, and can now sense the Love around her. Which is the Love and safety that is always there , under all my judgment.

With the thumb here, I realize that that time this part/child felt crushed and broken and fragmented, she thought she was without help from God, and she thought she was guilty and deserved it, and therefore she was wrong and hateful. Seeing these thoughts now can be the very stepping-stones to turning it around: Oh I love that this thumb seems broken – without it, I would not have seen where it comes from in my mind! This is amazing! I appreciate you, thumb, I can love that “broken part” with all my heart, and I can DECIDE to ask for help now to see all of this differently – thank you Spirit for setting this up.I will decide what I will perceive. –And then Jeshua writes: “ Appreciation and Love and limitlessness require the Universe ( including our bodymind) to show up in a different way.”

Yes please! Send it right over

So exactly THAT which I want to avoid –  emotions, terror, pain, problems –  is with Jeshua THAT place where I now can choose Love instead.

The thumb is a bit sore, but inside it looks whole and healthy. Great healthy bones.

Alarmclock-miracle

I woke with the incessant morning agony – mixture of suicidal thoughts and murderous ones. Quite a soup I tell you! Now,  I am aware that Spirit is trying to tell me something here – I know I am not a victim of this, just something my soul wants to convey. And it did – very sweetly and to the point this morning.

I sat up in bed and aligned with my Source of Light – acknowledging that my Father and I am One. At once, I saw that the repeated energy came from the archetypes Fuckeat and Child, described in “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” I have found these two to be polarities, where the one is dominant, the other is a shadow.

When that realization came, I recognized 1) this is what Jeshua calls ” a creation” – and 2) I want to find what is the neutral part in both of them – what is the first feeling expressed that was judged and repressed/denied.

Big relief just by realizing this.

The innocent first feeling of what later has grown into  the Fuckeat archetype in the human mind ( the fear-archetype which consists of murder-lust,domination,all kind of brutality and human perversions) – the first what came up for me was:

I hurt  – and since nobody is willing to care and comfort me, I need to see this hurt on another face = projection.

The first feeling of Child ( the victim archetype:) I need my caretakers to acknowledge my innocence  and vulnerability as beautiful.

I saw both of the archetypes before they were projected and judged – just natural thoughts and needs in the human mind, believing itself to be outside God’s love, having to prove itself valuable by its deeds – denying the eternal beauty and love that is God’s gift to Its child. I forgave the judgments I have projected on those two early separation thoughts  – I felt an opening,a release – and then I spoke out loud:

” And now I do embrace you.”

The my clockmaker by my bed gave two signals ….OOHH! New funny miracle! I meant to write  my alarm clock gave two signals and then stopped – but the word-correcting program wrote Clockmaker instead – which means my mind 🙂

Of course – the little machine did not do it, the smiling Self that I call BLUE did it through the electronic device. And the word-correcting program…is such a great symbol for Holy Spirit, who is the Loving Spirit who corrects my perceptions.

The sweet thing is – I thought I had turned that clock off – and when I looked at it, I had. Just two sweet pling-plings.

I guess that is what Child and Fuckeat are seen as from above – as figures in a movie, an illusion.

And please read me right: In no way do I mean to minimize the atrocities that the human is perpetrating to him/herself and each other –

but from above, Love looks down on us and see that the soul wants experiences – and in my case, I am now willing to see that the Soul wanted to be both victim and aggressor throughout its incarnations – because, how else can my mind learn that only what I embrace, I can heal?

What I embrace is in essence just energies – and when they are judged as not worthy to exist, they go underground and grow in darkness and bestiality.

I can see now the huge power in choosing Love – and inside, extending Love to anybody who acts out of confusion and fear and old patterns – and recognizing myself as one of us who deeply and truly wants to wake up, and therefore on a higher level  has chosen to be one of the creators  of these fear-archetypes – now I can fully dis-identify from both Fuckeat and Child –

I am the Loving Space and embrace of it

just like you

 

The Next Step

Yesterday, Jennifer McLean showed us this in a teleclass:

“I need to figure out the next step…what do do-“

These thoughts are exactly what brings us into trouble.

It is the mind talking to itself – trying to do what it is not equipped to do alone. It tries to keep itself in command – staying in a condition of contraction, fear and control.

Sense deeply into this “need:” – there is desperation there.

Just notice what happens in the mechanism of your universe when you say “ I need!”

What if – play with me here: what if there was nothing to figure out?

PRETEND how that would feel. Bliss – instant freedom. When we stop trying to “figure out” – we see that there is nothing to figure out,  and the part of you that has the blueprint and the plan can come in.

So what is called for here, is just to allow – allow the situation to be exactly as it is – and more important – allow it to FEEL exactly as it is. Check it out: when we allow that, we are connected to our Self – the part that Knows. The I suddenly know: Oh! The universe is already working for me – conspiring for my highest good here.

Just notice what happens in your universe when you are in allowing: what happens is that things fall into place. – When we fall back into “yes but bloody HOW do I do this -“ – there is desperation again – and there is no sane answer there.

So when I feel this “ I need to figure this out” again – it is an opportunity to go into allowing again.

Craig Hamilton just had a teleclass where he talked about our *evolutionary Self’*  that loves change and upsets  because it knows that is where expansion happens. So just notice and enjoy it 🙂

So just look at what your mind is doing – it will be a very familiar pattern – and move into allowing it to be like that now.

Jennifer told us to take a step backward when we notice the desperation escalating – all the way back to Where we were just before coming into incarnation:  and we felt: there is only Love there. Put the Love Jacket on and come back here, and allow the Voice from your Knowing – that Jeshua in A Course in Miracles calls “The Right Mind” – to talk to you. When you relax and allow, the impulses will come to you – and allow you to see what the next step would be.What if the answer you are seeking will just show up within the next 48 hours?

Yes it will. I recently had an email telling me that the IRS of USA needed me to fill in a tax report again, and also another form. I immediately fell into panic – how will I be able to understand these papers without anybody explaining hem to me?

I knew I as in panic and put my love jacket on, allowing the dreadful feeling of pure panic to exist – and then I asked for help to see all of this differently.

Next day I wanted to fill the papers out – online – and felt the same panic. I reminded myself that this was a growth opportunity and told myself that I would fill them out even if I was panicky – at least, I would open them and do my very best.

What happened was this: I went through the procedure – and I remembered I had taken screen shots of the correct answers earlier – so I had those in the background. That made me feel safe enough to go through them again, I remembered what to fill in where – and then came the wonder: the last paper that I dreaded the most, was already filled out automatically with the information  I just had given.

Except one thing: I was not able to sign it electronically.

Panic again – nope, putting the love jacked on, breathing: ask for support.

They will call me tomorrow 🙂

 

Invitation to online Playshop in healing

This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is since 1988 the motto for my work as Expressive Arts Therapist at my studio; “Yes to the Soul.”

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I want to speak to you about something that is very close to my heart. It is about how play, creativity, and silliness can be magical door-openers into what we have run away from – in a safe way.

I am here today to extend an invitation for a playshop (not workshop.) Some days ago, Spirit came through loud and clear and presented a structure for pioneering groupwork. Those who resonate with this will come together for a 7 weeks online playshop. Our intention is to bring healing to something we still haven’t accepted, embraced and forgiven – a “dragon.” As Rilke points out, it needs our help – and the help will come from our Self (Source, Higher Power, inner guidance, God, call it what you want.)

True healing happens when we come back into alignment with our essence. Trying to heal is struggle. Allowing intuition/Source to lead is something else altogether.

I am calling out to those playful dedicated souls who want to wake up and see through the dragons of illness, pain and victimization. That does not necessarily mean that illness and pain disappears: it means that we discover that they truly offer potentiality for great transformation.

And when we put our swords of judgment and resistance away, the dragons may relax and let the princesses out – the princesses being our own denied innocent needs and feelings. It is my experience, working like this the last 29 years in private practice and teaching it, when we stop opposing the illnesses/pain/problems, and instead opens to them with interested curiosity, creativity and PLAY, wonders may happen and princesses have been known to come out and jig happily.

(You who just decided “ Oh I can’t do that. I knew it. I don’t belong here“ – come back. Of course you are.)

We will each pick one dragon – a dis-ease, an illness, physical or emotional. We will set an intention of changing our relationship to it – from wanting to get rid of it – fix it – or “try to heal it” – to simply allowing it to BE and ***allow*** Source to take care of with it. It can do that only when we step back and get another perspective: creativity and

PLAY

When we are playing, we are stepping back from our limitations and our incessant drive to fix and perform and have validation from outside. Play opens you to a level of consciousness where more of YOU can come out. And we are receiving the magic of changing perspective on the dragon, on pain, on ourselves.

When WE step back, willing to play with the exercises***, not doing them for anybody but ourselves, to play and explore, then LOVE is free to flow into it in ways that are surprising and fun. And transforming! And even if the dragon may not be transformed, our MIND will be: we will be aware of that Something that directs our “creations”, we will notice themes arising in the group that show our connectedness. Maybe we will discover that there is so much more to our lives than what we have believed possible. What if we even may have seen through the veil of separation – seeing the illness as a messenger and an opportunity to love this part of us deeper.

***Practically: I will send you a creative exercise each Monday for seven weeks. It will be one theme each week. You need absolutely no “artistic” talent or practice. It is not about the result – it is about our willingness to play and explore and allow the love and energy inherent in the exercises to just express itself, just follow it where it wants to go. If you can only draw stick-men, that’s perfectly fine. Experience tells me that the more we trust and surrender to the process of simply doing these simple exercises, without trying to heal our dragon, the more freedom and space we give to our expressions. The more we get out of the way, Love can step in.

We will have a private group on Facebook, where we can post photos of our doodles, sketches, word-plays, photos etc. It is not to be judged. I see clearly – and sweat when I write this , like my body is underlining it for me:

Change will happen in our relationship to the dragons when we allow them to transform through our playfulness and non-seriousness – simply trusting and surrendering to a process we cannot control.

And precisely THERE Love and transformation enters.

I am sending this out now to find you. If you resonate, please email me with your name and mail address. There are only 2 places open.

About me:
In short: I have a studio – “Yes to the Soul” – where I since 1988 have worked with those who want to wake up to our true nature, and have used play and creativity as the main means for this. The process has always shown us that there is Something that leads our stories and expressions – and that this Something is nothing else than your own playful innocent magical Self.
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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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