The Medusa

Today we have our 4th sharing on Skype, with the intention of lifting in to the light our common false perceptions of God as an angry punishing father.

This is Nichola’s rapport:

The day started with a swim in the ocean and so maybe it’s no surprise that I was feeling light and happy when Leelah and I had the Skype session. When I looked further the feeling was like a golden light a couple of centimeters from my face – shining gold with rays going out like hair or like the rays of the sun. A big deep feeling of joy came up from my belly and the golden light became a mask, ancient made of some kind of metal. The energy traveled down my arms and my fingers were alive with energy so that I saw that they were made of small wriggling snakes.

I had a feeling of rising from the sea – standing on a rock and the image of the Medusa with her hair made of snakes standing  the rock in the middle of the ocean.

 Leelah suggested we look at Medusa –  the myth of the Greek goddess who turns people into stone and she asked me if I had been (or if I had turned myself?) into stone. I said yes. In fact the stone cold boy in a story that I wrote is me, I recognised that when I was writing it, and today I remember that when my father was speaking in his familiar humiliating way I would purposefully harden my body and mind so that the hate from my father couldn’t get in.  

I remember giving my bother a painting of the Medusa when he was about fifteen. Leelah asks if he was also turned to stone and I remember that yes he was, more than me I think.

After that we looked at the Medusa jelly fish on You Tube. Leelah asks me why I think it is called Medusa and I think it is because of its sting, and also maybe because of its tentacle that look like hair. The fish is transparent, very primitive and beautiful.

As we watch it gives birth to several tiny jellyfish. Beautiful. Around this time I am struck with how much the tentacles of the fish remind me of synapses, the nerve endings that are sometimes damaged in MS and which I have been trying to visualise growing back in my own body.

I am also struck with the seemingly rambling way that we have meandered through this session, guided by Leelah’s instincts and I am very much surprised and almost enchanted.

 Leelah suggest that the way the medusas are born from the jellyfish – just “plop” out very easily, is something that I can use to think of the way my own synapses can easily be regenerated.

 Then I look to the side of the screen and see that there are a number of YouTube videos in a column going down the page and oddly, amongst them there is a five or so minute lecture by David Hoffmeister called the death of the Ego –  there amongst all these jellyfish. I can’t believe it. I tell Leelah but it does not appear on her page, just mine. As it turns out we are using different browsers  but strangely I have returned to that page this morning and David Hoffmeister has disappeared and there are only jelly fish there.  (Right now I am wondering about that – it feels like a notice to pay attention to things when they appear.)

We watch the video together and Leelah asks me at the end if there was anything there for me, as it had only appeared on my browser . I say, yes – the very last sentence. Which is stop looking for fulfillment outside yourself. That seems a very strong thing for me to look at, as I feel I have identified as a searcher or hunter who does not find. Like I am constantly trying to get something from the world that I can’t.  So this is a big thing for me to explore – that I am just looking outside for what I think I want, instead of inside.


I mention for Nic how the very essence of the ego thought system is “look, and do not find.”

I find this image very symbolic for deep transformation – from snakes to rays of light:

shining gold with rays going out like hair or like the rays of the sun.


I too have  stone – symbols:


My mother has become stone

I am pummeling her chest with my fists

Come out! Come out!

My fists are made of ice,

My tears are burning

Come out!



My father hits my bottom hard and unexpected

Warm pee flows down my legs

“Go to your room!”

But my mother

Where is my mother?




The Madonna

New guest post from Nichola

I have corrected the “god” to God:  the God we give our stuff to needs to be all powerful and all loving, and not “a” god at all 🙂

This will be a little back to front. I had a session with Leelah on Friday in which I was very surprised to see the Madonna emerge, floating above the sea. I have some very old and deep scorn for the image of the Madonna. I think it has to do with some scary nuns and my mother. I had a Madonna figurine, though, I remember, by my bedside when I was younger and I loved it. The image became tainted for me, that is all. Anyway when I came to write about that session all I could see were the nuns and an old school desk and I was angry and felt that I must refuse to write the blog about it. Until now, some days later when the anger towards the nuns, or whatever it was, is dropped.

Leelah was telling me: Look out for the thought “you should feel different than you feel,”because I was feeling bad that my MS symptoms were returning. They had been retreating for a couple of weeks before.

The bad feeling felt like a rock in the middle of my stomach, dragging me down. When I allowed it that is when the Madonna emerged.

Leelah says: What does she want to tell you? and I tell Leelah that she says: You can be like a child in your innocence – you don’t have to take care of anything – I will take care of it.

Leelah sounds happy: Give all the shit to Mary… she says

Leelah says something next that I have been using all week: What I am feeling is sickness and pain that is leaving–I can just be with what is leaving while it is leaving…..

…And sometimes I can’t just do it….and ask for help

This has helped me every time I feel these things since then, and another thing she says: If it is not loving, it is not the Holy Spirit. Which has been useful when I hear myself with some criticism.

I am worried about taking this new diagnosis of MS on as a new identity

Leelah advises me to talk to Maria: I believe that I am MS and I give this belief to you…I am willing to be wrong about it….and I allow you to choose God for me now  in this situation

It feels wonderful to have this sentence.

Sickness is a way of the ego separating from god and attacking itself – belief in separation means that I believe God and love are outside, and me  separated and  then I can attack myself .

Leelah’s part I didn’t write at the time and now it has been some days – but I remember that she is cold and covers herself in a red shawl that feels better. She has anger – is banging her fists on the table tired of carrying all the shit for men – she feels it in her arms

I feel a bit dazed as we are closing and feel it is like a golden light, so we finish by sitting in a golden light and I am smiling and smiling

Self torturing as a way of living

After the horror-dream yesterday, I had a dream where I shared the awakening with 3 different friends. One ridiculed me, one accepted it completely and one looked skeptic but said nothing.

I contacted the friend in the dream that looked skeptic about the belief that we have a “glorious Self”. Nichola has MS, and has received a harsh Christian upbringing based on concepts of fear and punishment. Blue told me we could work together on weeding out these old concepts of a  god of fear, and we met at Skype today.

I started with the prayer to invite  truth and love into this sharing -process between us, and ask for help to lift into the light any blocks we might have about God as something to fear, and something that punishes. I told Nichola that all that she needed to do, was to be willing to be wrong about her beliefs that God is a God of fear. She said yes – and felt warm glow around the heart.

Nichola shares thoughts that God is punishment,actually

Leelah: So could this MS be punishment?

She says yes – and that it feels like truth,actually. AND she is willing to be wrong about it

Now the glow around the heart moves all through into the limbs

Nichola: “You know, it feels almost like punishment defines who I am.” She starts laughing out loud

Leelah: Laughing – are you punishment, or are you that which is aware of the thought?

Nichola: That which is aware, actually….I had this punishing angry god, and i rejected that god – it’s like I have become that god for myself.Oh my God – I can’t believe it – I have been my own worst torturer –

Leelah: me too. We are not alone in this

And now we just allow the input of loving healing energy to pour through us. It comes as a natural effect from our joint willingness to be wrong about the lies about God – and allowing the shift in energies because of that willingness.

We don’t do the healing – but we have to allow it, choose it.

The rest is up to the Love within.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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