*Hilaryon Stories* is published today

-and I am happy and so very relieved. MY FIRST NOVEL!

Many years ago I  was part of a writer group where we wrote flash fiction – short stories, top 1000 words, each week. Each member took turns  giving the weekly prompt. The start of  the world Hilaryon – and my discovery of it – was a story I wrote to the prompt: The 12 Commandments. That’s where I first met the wonderful CROC – the wise and gentle  wizard of Hilaryon. As I wrote more stories from that Universe, it became clear that Hilaryon is a state of existence adjacent to our world Gaia – and that one ends up there if the longing is very very strong – a longing to be received in the highest expression of oneself – both as artist and as  Being.

Our group died ( we were part of an experiment by Harper Collins to find new and exciting writers, and HC found new ways and deleted our platform.) But I wrote on my own, knowing it would be a book. Wonderful synchronicities and magic moments happened frequently, giving me the necessary stamina to go on. The end of first part was written ca 6 years ago, and I was very pleased with it – but after two years pause from the Hilaryoners I was overtaken by longing, I had to go on with a part two. I asked my Muse – who later showed up to be Master Hilaryon – and he suggested I chose a theme that had to do with strong polarities. I immediately  thought about the Old Testament feud between Pharaoh Ramses( it is not known which one) and Moses. I had big trouble with that version of god who ordered babies to be killed to teach Ramses a lesson ( I did not particularly like Ramses either) – and my Muse told me this would be a very healthy endeavor to bring light into the One mind we all share – and heal my own perceptions!

Johann Sebastian Bach showed up on Hilaryon in the first part -he turned out to be one of Croc’s oldest friends from Egypt in olden days, where they both had played and sung the Sakkara-pyramid into being. It also turned out that Croc was the reincarnation of the Great Imhotep: – vizier,  chief physician and architect 5000 years ago.

Johann Sebastian became a model for anyone with great loss  and longing in his soul (  In reality, he lost ten of twenty children, both parents before he was 11 and his first wife.) Now, in Part Two, both he and Croc had children, Leaf and Mo, both 11, who were crazy about each other – and  the old hatred entered Hilaryon  through a long and spooky staff.

So I started Part Two, where Johann Sebastian Bach was in big trouble – his 3.wife had thrown him out and the weather was spooked.

I received the chapters randomly, and my Muse insisted that I had to trust and write whatever as it came – and it would find its place in the puzzle. Johann Sebastian’s music turned out to be very important, I placed musical interludes within the text, so the reader could hear the music that mirrored Bach’s emotions there and then, on YouTube.

In between were months were nothing seemed to happen,and then suddenly I could, f. ex, get an idea crochet a woolen white egg and fill it with ten minuscule babies – and place it into the text. I could not plan ANYTHING – just TRUST and TRUST some more that all would turn out perfectly.

It did. I even stitched the cover you see above. It turned out that Hilaryoners love to sew and stitch.

If you click on any book in the right menu you will get to the book’s site and read more.

If you want to buy, here is place where you don’t have to pay shipping: The Book Depository Just search for Leelah Saachi and the book that you want.



The fear of being visible as an artist

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power lead by Claire Zammit. Extraordinary in its thoroughness to take a break with the old patriarchal consciousness as the main model for thinking in my life.

In that course, we are showed ways to reconnect with Higher Intelligence,/ Deeper Knowing / Self/ God / Universe – and we are asked to find one time we were truly connected to that awe-inspiring illuminated Power.

I was educated as an artist – and this happened in my 3.year:

The Arts and Crafts Museum adjacent to our School had been asking for sketches  for a poster to a new Russian exhibition. For some reason I was chosen. During those three years I struggled a lot to make great results – and  was not interested in the very process of creation itself: in my Course of Study, Graphic Design and Advertisement, the result was adamant.

And still – her I was now, feeling completely FREE in painting, for the first time since  a very small child. IT was using ME to become visible, it poured through me, my choice of colors where utterly different from my usual choices. I was in a timeless state of mind, it all floated, I had  made no sketches, it flowed  from Source through me, and I allowed it without questioning.

As I painted. More and more students flocked around the table, and there was an atmosphere of elevated rapture and delight – soft whispered expressions of  wonder. Time was absent. There were teachers around me too, they too joined the silence.

The next I remember – this is 50 years ago – was that one week later, my teacher told me the museum had told him that my painting had gone up in fire. Nothing left.  –

A few years after this, I was hired to decorate a new Hard Rock Café in town. I chose to make large reliefs from plyboard and textile from figures from Alice in Wonderland. They were also “new” to me when I made them – a mixture of painting and textile art that truly was “me.”

And after then – just when the Cafe was about to open – it burnt down- all to the ground

I see this as an old belief creating evidence for itself: it is dangerous to “stick out” and be seen – you will be attacked.” This was truly an operative belief in my life as child and youth – and it manifested.  I remember the feeling of “don’t excel as a woman.”

I later wanted to become a dancer instead – truly enjoyed it – and ruptured the right knee.

Then after having sung for 12 years in choirs, my voice also changed dramatically – from first soprano to lower than alto.

So it truly seemed that being a woman and excelling in the arts was not a good idea.

So, instead I educated myself as an expressive arts therapist and used my talents there –now I could use all the creative modalities to teach how creativity brings us back into connection with the original joy and life that we are –  so it is obvious how the Universe sets us up for success, as Claire insists –

I am here with you know to truly share these beliefs of feminine creativity and success – and even though I have lived through all that, something in me still hold on to my products:  book-manuscripts  –  paintings – poetry – strange shamanic figures ( adorable they are ) –  there is a cold and silent space around it – I want it OUT and something in me is so scared of it getting OUT

My two first posts/sharing  at the Facebook group of Feminine Power are held back for  moderation – for nine days now – it’s not difficult to see how strongly these beliefs create evidence for themselves – I have proved it 🙂

I am willing to release those beliefs now

Thank you Feminine Power management for mirroring it for me

(It was also mirrored by a sweet woman form the management calling me from the States to wish me a warm welcome!)


Last news:  I practiced feeling my true desires to “get this out” to the public – all my manuscripts, art, poetry,  stories including my posts at Feminine Power. “You may go and check now Facebook now” said Intuition.

And opening the Facebook site with the group – there it was

This is The Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland










Music is a healer

Good bye to ghost stories

Thursday 2-3-17

Today I got my mother back.

It was a memory of music that did it – and most probably a session with Tapas Fleming, the creator of TAT: I was helped to let go of my old attachment to ghosts, as their helper and friend.

My mother has gone since 32 years. Her family and ancestors were also  close to that field of existence. She died from ALS, a really nasty disease. It’s a progressive neurological disease that causes dysfunction of the nerves that control muscle movement. Over time, this leads to muscle weakness, gradually affecting how the body functions, and then you die.

I grew up close to a graveyard – beautiful, peaceful, I saw it as MY garden and played there, mostly alone, except for the ghosts, that I perceived as my friends and wrote storied about. In the session with Tapas, my connection to “having to” be someone who could assist them to go home, was healed – and later I realized, that since the intention of TAT is to include all our ancestors, it certainly included my mother’s lineage. I am convinced that this procedure was essential for what happened the day after, when I had a sharing session with my friend Kit.

In this session, while I was speaking I SAW that both my parents had shown me the light, metaphorically – the place inside that is eternal, all loving, never-changing, radiantly truthful, brimming with life and presence. I shared it with my father in 3 areas:

Listening to music, only the two of us – mostly Mozart. We were joined at that Paradise place, and there were no words there, but perfect oneness. If my mother entered the room, that Paradise was always interrupted: my father went into preaching mode.

He could not share that with  both of us.

And – my mother could never share HER love of music with him, precisely because of this preaching tendency of his – but it happened when I came home from school that I overheard her playing the piano: Musette by Sibelius was her favorite. And mine. (NB: this guy plays it twice as fast as I loved to hear it – but still was the best I found on YouTube.)

And I sneaked up the stairs, and she heard me and stopped immediately, and I begged on my knees that she could play it once more – and some rare times, she consented – and we joined the Place of Light.

As I realized that both parents had shown me this Place, a torrent of tears broke and I sobbed with all my heart. Suddenly I SAW my mother as Spirit – healed and whole and innocent – and all the images of her as ice-cold and hard and rejecting fell away like old snow in April sun. I SAW her in front of me, as soul – on “the other side,” but in complete communication with me -just the same connection I shared when I joined with my mother’s ecstasy in music.

The torrent breaks through almost 70 years of denial – I have insisted of holding on to the image I held of her, the stories about her – and now it simply melted in front of this shared love, our union. The longing for her, the longing to join in LOVE broke through – I sob “my mamma, I long so much to join with you in THIS, and not all those stories from childhood!

There is no blame or anger at all in this longing – and for the first time, I see her Self, no projections now – just pure and whole.

I see her sitting in front of me, but still on the other side – she sits in profile, her head bowed, she is listening intensely with every cell to what I am telling her. At first she sits in shadow, but it lightens every second, and now I see her clearly. An inner earthquake shakes her violently, and still she is fully present within it, allowing these shakings to shake lose everything inside her role as woman and mother.MY mother in this particularly difficult lifetime, where she played the role of a mother who rejects her 4 year old daughter returning home after being group raped.  I sense her gratitude for this release, her joy that all that is false is shaken loose. No sense of guilt and sin, just shedding centuries of false beliefs and victim patterns lodged in cells and DNA.” I shake for both of us” she says, I know that is true. Now the shaking is concentrated in Root and Hara. She burps and belches, does not throw up, but throws her arms in the air and swears and smiles – no devil taking her to hell because she swears – we look right at each other and delight in this freedom.

My father, who played the role of a Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – person, and who showed contempt of the “concept” of a God, now was seen as playing a role – and I was shown places where he had demonstrated Source consciousness.

In addition to the heavenly music-joining, let me share the chanterelle-paradise

All the times he took me deep into woods, long hikes away from the trail, being guided by his phenomenal knowing where the chanterelle-places were. I remember the energy of him sitting silently down and brushing his hand over moss, like a wizard – creating a large patch of shining yellow chanterelles – and then intensely enjoying my delight at this treasure.

Recapitulating these times today made me see that he had guided me to the Light Itself – and that he therefore HAD the light available to him. The atmosphere in these places brim with light and love for me – and deep joining.

Also when we rowed out to the   open sea and fished – when the vast cloudless skies reflected in the mirror as dead calm sea, and  same oneness embraced us in timeless silent space.

When I understood that they HAD shown me Home, both of them – I knew without a morsel of doubt that we all had played in a drama we had chosen to explore as souls – and our roles were perfect. Now I could SEE the Truth of them both, and the joy of recognition was indescribable.

The day after, my daughter the musician visited and played the Musette for me. And my mother was present, glowing with joy.

All traces of ‘ghost’ about her – vanished


8/3 More release

Today  with  Heather ,I found that my Mount of Venus really was the shield of a big mother Turtle –  and that her shield stopped the insanity in my father’s energy during the sex to come into the womb. And so, my daughter did not have to swim in that womb energy for 9 months.  And has not been subjected to this energy, as i was.

Seeing that – and honoring that defense-mechanism (= turtle shield-) started an avalanche of releases. I saw how all my defense-places in this body had created their patterns out of the need to keep all parts of me safe – and now, the time has come to be brave enough and ready – to release them all.

At the end of the session I was sitting with a profound cold in the lower body – and heard Blue – my voice for Christ – remind me: “It’s not about becoming warm – to have “succeeded” in this – it is about just noticing exactly where you are RIGHT NOW, and honoring this – trusting the process.”


Great music

Yesterday the process of toggling two self-publish processes became a bit overwhelming, and darkness crashed on me. I got a Skype session with Stacy Sully and she took me again and again into an alignment-process with Christ in what she called the central chord. The process took me again and again into the one choice there really is: accepting and allowing the truth and Light to heal me, to turn me back into my true Essence.

Just this morning I realized that the central Chord is just another name for the Sushumna – and with this realization there was a gentle breakthrough. It is a wonder to me that there is a sweet connection to yogic traditions in my soul – like my name is a Sanskrit one. Leelah means divine play – and Saachi means Grace and also Truth.

While I was allowing the word Sushumna to reverberate through my mind, some words came up: “The west-eastern Divan.”

Taken from the website:

“In 1999, Daniel Barenboim, together with the late Palestinian literary scholar Edward Said and by invitation of the Kunstfest Weimar, created a workshop for young musicians from Israel, Palestine and various Arab countries of the Middle East seeking to enable intercultural dialogue and to promote the experience of collaborating on a matter of common interest. Daniel Barenboim and Edward Said named the Orchestra and workshop after Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s collection of poems entitled “West-Eastern Divan”, a central work for the evolution of the concept of world culture. “

I listened to a soundtrack on the site, and felt vividly what was written on the site, about the philosophy of the musicians:

“Great music is the result of deep listening

Every player listening intently to the voice of the composer and to each other. Harmony in personal or international relations can also only exist by listening. Each party opening their ears to the other’s narrative or point of view.”

This paragraph connects me to the Sushumna-work – aligning myself with the central Light, my Source, resting in it, I listen deeply to the voices from the little tortured girl – allowing them all to be here. Writing this here now, I see that I can listen to those voices as parts of a choir, or orchestra, and the result is great music.

Allowing the highest love to express itself as music

In his book, “The untethered soul” Michael A.Singer shares in a lucid way how to release what Michael Brown in his ” The Presence Process” calls emotional imprints, or emotional signatures. Singer uses the Sanskrit term  Samskara. “A Samskara is a cycle of stored past energy patterns in a state of relative equilibrium. it is your resistance to experience these patterns that causes energy to keep cycling around itself. There is no other place for it to go. You won’t let it. This is how most people process their issues. This packet of energy is literally stores in your energetic heart center. All the Samskaras you have collected over your life are stored there.”

I love how Spirit continually leads me to always further expansions of knowledge, to help me from getting stuck.

He gives us clear directions on how to release – another way of describing Brown’s “being with” – description. He says: “Let it happen. Get it over with. Don’t process them one by one, it’s too slow.” (Oh thank God! :)) “Stay centered behind them and let them go. —If you relax and release, the purification of the heart is a wonderful thing. Set your eyes on the highest state you can imagine and don’t take them off. If you slip, just get back up. it doesn’t matter.”

And that brings me to my sweet revelation this morning: while doing this, setting my eyes/intention on the highest state I can imagine, I heard this concert  clear in my mind.

I went to YouTube and found this:

please scroll forward to 20:16, where the Romance starts.

This is played by one of my greatest loves: Krystof Zimerman, born in Krakow 1956 – but here, he is 20 years old

Listening to this is much easier that holding on to visual images. Now I can just allow it to play in my mind – and I know this so by heart –

A cry for love

This night’s darkness took T I M E  – I often forget to see it as a call for love, I just process it as good as my ego can – but that only makes it seem real, it seems –

afterwards, it is clearly seen that it is not personal – it is just something moving up to be received and forgiven

And in that process, I find that these days, music is such a help.

Here is Max Richter: The twins

The Tibetan dream

After the session with Kit yesterday, where we noticed the peace and release of just noticing/looking where we were, with no judging, I woke up today with a strong dream.

I am in Tibet – for me the symbol of unfailing faith in Spirit. There are also in Buddhism many lineages and  yogic traditions where “magic” is taught: among others, levitation. In a big room, there is a woman lying on the floor. Suddenly she slides toward me – then slides back again. This repeats itself until it dawns on me that I am the one who has the power to draw her to me or push her away. “What an awesome power I have!”

When I later write the dream down, do I realize that the pulling  towards or pushing away are two ways of resistance: in Buddhism called attachment or aversion. Both stresses that there exists an I that can be the chooser.

So my practice is now to notice – look – at when I am either pulling towards me or pushing away. It is easy, because the energy of it is unpleasant. I also become aware of how strong the personality – the little self – becomes.

I will be gentle and kind toward myself and allow everything else to flow from that.

In Swedish radio this morning, they are sending a daily  direct sent program called “Wish”. They have dedicated it to the victims of  22.July 2011, and tell us that we can call in on an answering machine and make wishes for music. I call in and leave my wish for a Danish lullaby I love. Turn on “Wish” again – and hear the same guitar accompaniment as in my wish. It has the same feel and atmosphere,and even the exact same 4 notes in the start. It is called ” The Girl in the Tree” and it comforts me.

The Wisher of this song said she wanted to give comfort to us.

She did.

They also played Górecki’s “Symphony No 3 – Symphony of Sorrowful Songs. I found it on YouTube, and find it profoundly comforting.

Dancing creation

Dream: I am on the way home, and I know I am in a dream, it feels completely wonderful, and I am enjoying the dreaming.

Later in the day, I have a young woman in session – I know there is something about her and music that is essential to explore in the session – something wonderful that shall be given a space to come forth. I feel tremendous gratitude for being in the position I am to assist her in surrendering to This Which wants to come through her.

I show her how to dedicate a sacred space on the floor to That Which wants to come, and asks her if she wants to allow it to come. She has no doubts about it. I start playing a favorite piece of music that she has brought, it is string music by Edgar Elgar, his Serenade for strings, second movement, and oh it has such heart! You can listen to it here.

She is asked to allow her arms to start to move, and just follow it where it wants to go, and I witness something  that looks like a goddess directing an orchestra – but it is not an orchestra, it is the Son of God creating. I “see” this tremendous sweetness and heartfelt gentleness in her movement, and at the same time, a strength and clarity that is awesome – and I see Clara receiving it, and being deeply moved and lifted while doing it.

The energy in the room is filled with adoration of the Sacred.

Afterwards, all the chaos that she arrived with has abated. I realize how much energy and resistance it takes to hold this kind of “art” back.

How beautiful it is to witness play in its truest form: just allowing it, and no control.

I know, this may not be Acim – but this is my blog, exploring a spiritual process, and this kind of work, helping forth the expression of soul as an impulse from Love is what I love the most to “do.” It’s like initiating people into the Mysteries – in a very playful way – and the dangers of the old ways are thankfully missing.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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