While I am practicing Way of Transformation lesson 7, forgiving the judgments and projections I have placed on people and situations so I can see them clearly ( with Christ’s Vision,) I have the strangest clearest dreams.

Earlier this weeks, I have had nightmares of being followed and attacked by 1) soldiers 2) maniacs and now – this night – they were monster machines, powered with an intense will to kill and destroy. Since they were inhuman, they had no soft points. I remember one of them – the boss: big, square, white and shiny glossy. And with flashing eyes.

We were in a big school, all students. There were nowhere to hide. At one point I lost the clothes I wore, and simply found others – miraculously they fit perfectly. White long woolen trousers and a white woolen poncho too.

When I woke up, I recognized that these inhuman killer machines truly are creations in the One Mind. I truly own those feelings, those energies – I have justified them and felt empowered by feeling them as a child, since the power in them gave me that strength I needed then not to dissolve completely. Now I forgave and blessed the creation and felt a big relief in the body.

I noticed thoughts of catastrophizing coming up, – as if some parts are afraid of being healed and happy. I opened a notebook to this note: Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.
I have heard that a zillion times. This time it was realized as shining true. The energy was – and is – AMAZING

And my body today feels like I have been pummeled and hit and working out for days – how my beautiful muscles have struggled to keep all that hate-energy inside, judging them strongly.

 

Feeding the Ghosts

How wonderfully liberating it feel to explore stuff together – feelings, thoughts, sensations in the body. Compared to the kind of communication where A wants to convey that she has important knowledge that the poor B does not know about, but A is kindly willing to share her vast knowledge.

You may just have met such A’s…or been one

In exploration today with Kit I wanted to sit with the sensations in my body, of being subject to somebody who preaches. Images of violent anger came up: I wanted to hack B to pieces with 2 knives. 2. It got to be a rhythm to it to be effective. When I followed that imagery, suddenly I saw that I was hacking away at a ghost – and the name “Montsegur” came up.

Kit said: “You are hacking away at a ghost – there is nothing to get from it, except more pain.”

It hit me with full force: there is nothing of value to have from this fight, this insistence of being heard, of winning, of being the “right” part. Nothing except more pain.

I think about all the pages I have written to “explain” and to justify my view, believing it to be a valuable asset for the readers. Underneath that effort was the belief that this was a way to make me seen worthy.

Kit and I shared how “comforting” others with words and interventions may just encourage MORE complaining. The “comfort” feels so good, so a bit more going into MY story and MY pain will bring MORE relief…

But MY story – and worse, MY pain is exactly what keeps small me stuck in separation. It is not my pain. THE pain.

And all the times I used to comfort my daughter with wise advise – sigh – until she, when she was sixteen, told me to shut it – that it just let her know how little trust I had in her capability to find out things on her own.

OH that hurt. And OH what a thrill to see that she was right.

All I want is somebody who sits with me and lovingly LISTENS, being present.

I want to include Emmanuel’s letter in this post too:

“What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? Listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.

Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

 

Past

23 January

Wake up at 4am…usual crazy energies in the body. Inner Voice:

“You don’t need to go there anymore.”

Energies instantly gone – like a faucet turned off

Energies pop up around the vaginal opening. Voice:

“Maybe you don’t need to go there either.” Energies gone. Voice:

“Don’t drag the past with you. Let it go.”

I remember Emmanuel’s letter to me – by snail mail, 24 years ago:

“What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? Simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? Listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.

Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

This morning – 24th of January – I also was prompted to flip the Course open, when the craziness was back and it did not disappear.How gracefully the Course always gives me exactly what I need to remember:

T-26.V.10. Would God allow His Son to lose his way along a road long since a memory of time gone by? 2 This course will teach you only what is now. 3 A dreadful instant in a distant past, now perfectly corrected, is of no concern nor value. 4 Let the dead and gone be peacefully forgotten. 5 Resurrection has come to take its place. 6 And now you are a part of resurrection, not of death. 7 No past illusions have the power to keep you in a place of death, a vault God’s Son entered an instant, to be instantly restored unto his Father’s perfect Love. 8 And how can he be kept in chains long since removed and gone forever from his mind?

T-26.V.11. The Son whom God created is as free as God created him. 2 He was reborn the instant that he chose to die instead of live. 3 And will you not forgive him now, because he made an error in the past that God remembers not, and is not there? 4 Now you are shifting back and forth between the past and present. 5 Sometimes the past seems real, as if it were the present. 6 Voices from the past are heard and then are doubted. 7 You are like to one who still hallucinates, but lacks conviction in what he perceives. 8 This is the borderland between the worlds, the bridge between the past and present. 9 Here the shadow of the past remains, but still a present light is dimly recognized. 10 Once it is seen, this light can never be forgotten. 11 It must draw you from the past into the present, where you really are.

T-26.V.12. The shadow voices do not change the laws of time nor of eternity. 2 They come from what is past and gone, and hinder not the true existence of the here and now. 3 The real world is the second part of the hallucination time and death are real, and have existence that can be perceived. 4 This terrible illusion was denied in but the time it took for God to give His Answer to illusion for all time and every circumstance. 5 And then it was no more to be experienced as there.

T-26.V.13. Each day, and every minute in each day, and every instant that each minute holds, you but relive the single instant when the time of terror took the place of love. 2 And so you die each day to live again, until you cross the gap between the past and present, which is not a gap at all. 3 Such is each life; a seeming interval from birth to death and on to life again, a repetition of an instant gone by long ago that cannot be relived. 4 And all of time is but the mad belief that what is over is still here and now.

T-26.V.14. Forgive the past and let it go, for it is gone. 2 You stand no longer on the ground that lies between the worlds. 3 You have gone on, and reached the world that lies at Heaven’s gate. 4 There is no hindrance to the Will of God, nor any need that you repeat again a journey that was over long ago. 5 Look gently on your brother, and behold the world in which perception of your hate has been transformed into a world of love.

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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