Black Sheep

I need to share this-about trusting the process – only looking back at the last week can I see the exquisite order of all that has happened inside and outside –
I have been aware that I am going through a process of receiving a part of me that has been split off for maybe centuries – for sure in this life – I have been aware of her for at least 30 years, I am 73 now, this is how much work and willingness it has taken me to truly BE with that energy of being banished – driven away – this is the energy of the one who carries the guilt for all – that be in the family or in cases of people being cast out of the country, dying in the desert.
Thank God I had that role when I was a child in this life – that has made it possible to TRULY feel it now and let it go
Weeping writing this – but relieved
The two last weeks have night and days been filled with processing this child/archetype, always new parts of her, new nuances – always more love and compassion – than seemingly back to the same aches and pains everywhere, and complains “when will it stop” and “what am I doing wrong”
Last week the very archetype of the black sheep has been blooming and sharing and been heard and loved and processed in me. I was led to the exercises I posted by Prune Harris- joining breast /heart and womb – then  a teacher’s webcast last Sunday . And yesterday there was 2 new episodes of “Call the midwife” on TV- I missed them and agonized quite a bit – until I saw, last night, that I could replay them on the PC. So this morning I did – and this was an episode with strong metaphors for exactly where I am in the unraveling process of my life-story, and the archetypes constituting it!
This week “Midwife” presented a story about a sailor who seemed to have smallpox – but it turned out to be Leprosy! Again a symbol of the one being shunned and cast out. In this episode, English 60-ies, they were told that Leprosy is not contagious and that one can heal with the right treatment. And the leprous one met with a nun who told him ” we are never adrift when he have faith. It is our anchor.” And she gave him her bible, and he gave her the wooden cross he had clung to –
The other metaphor for me, that was the crucial one for me, was a woman who was terrified to give birth – she had a terrible memory of her last one, where the fetus was dragged out of her with metal pliers. She had locked herself in the bathroom to kill herself, when one of the midwife-nuns talked her SO lovingly out of the room and out of that locked and terrified state of mind – and just HELD the loving gaze.
It was here when at last what may seem as the final phase for me was healed – those minutes when the last fear leaves and the trust takes over for the one in panic of birthing, and the one who just HOLDS the loving glance and contact
There was a huge wave inside me of release and crying – the part that KNOWS at last : THIS IS IT – I am being SEEN and RECEIVED just as I am, just as I feel, just with my baggage – and there is ONLY LOVE
And then I hear Spirit:
And NOW can you truly appreciate the guidance and experiences last week_:) You needed to see this episode AFTER last nights processing – yes?
Absolutely so

The Madonna

New guest post from Nichola

I have corrected the “god” to God:  the God we give our stuff to needs to be all powerful and all loving, and not “a” god at all 🙂

This will be a little back to front. I had a session with Leelah on Friday in which I was very surprised to see the Madonna emerge, floating above the sea. I have some very old and deep scorn for the image of the Madonna. I think it has to do with some scary nuns and my mother. I had a Madonna figurine, though, I remember, by my bedside when I was younger and I loved it. The image became tainted for me, that is all. Anyway when I came to write about that session all I could see were the nuns and an old school desk and I was angry and felt that I must refuse to write the blog about it. Until now, some days later when the anger towards the nuns, or whatever it was, is dropped.

Leelah was telling me: Look out for the thought “you should feel different than you feel,”because I was feeling bad that my MS symptoms were returning. They had been retreating for a couple of weeks before.

The bad feeling felt like a rock in the middle of my stomach, dragging me down. When I allowed it that is when the Madonna emerged.

Leelah says: What does she want to tell you? and I tell Leelah that she says: You can be like a child in your innocence – you don’t have to take care of anything – I will take care of it.

Leelah sounds happy: Give all the shit to Mary… she says

Leelah says something next that I have been using all week: What I am feeling is sickness and pain that is leaving–I can just be with what is leaving while it is leaving…..

…And sometimes I can’t just do it….and ask for help

This has helped me every time I feel these things since then, and another thing she says: If it is not loving, it is not the Holy Spirit. Which has been useful when I hear myself with some criticism.

I am worried about taking this new diagnosis of MS on as a new identity

Leelah advises me to talk to Maria: I believe that I am MS and I give this belief to you…I am willing to be wrong about it….and I allow you to choose God for me now  in this situation

It feels wonderful to have this sentence.

Sickness is a way of the ego separating from god and attacking itself – belief in separation means that I believe God and love are outside, and me  separated and  then I can attack myself .

Leelah’s part I didn’t write at the time and now it has been some days – but I remember that she is cold and covers herself in a red shawl that feels better. She has anger – is banging her fists on the table tired of carrying all the shit for men – she feels it in her arms

I feel a bit dazed as we are closing and feel it is like a golden light, so we finish by sitting in a golden light and I am smiling and smiling

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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