The pressure in the night is immense. I ask to know what it is about, and fall asleep and have this dream:

I have to make a puppet for my exam. I have 1 day to make it, and run around trying to find the best materials. It feels like walking through glue, and I find nothing. The pressure lies in me trying to upholding this job of being a puppet maker -in Course-terms, a lover of separation.

Why do I want to make puppets when I can allow my Glorious Self? Oh.Just a habit. And  a habit that arises from a life long struggle to be this Leelah-puppet / a separate me/an impossibility. I saw that well enough in the process with Ilona and Liberation Unleashed.

Spirit, I am willing to lay down my materials. Please show me how to be Who I am.

“The job is to try to be Who you are not. Smile at the futility of the job assignment you have given yourself.”

I am remembering Stephen Levine’s mode of being from the video I saw yesterday. He talked about pain. When he did not know what to say, he shut his mouth and waited until he knew. His Self was speaking through him, but at no point did he seem to be “channeling.” Just – present.

Ego  -or separate self – is never present.

The dream of having to make a puppet head for my exam…to stop “making puppets” is the same as noticing the tremendous pressure when it is here and just STOP and SIT and allow it to release. I have always judged letting go as something I cannot do – because I demanded that it should happen instantaneously – if not, it did not work I told myself (well ego did.) Today, after the dream, I let go, and the sensations rolled through in many different flavors – from cold, to shivers, to sickness – but I needed to be present for it for quite some minutes before it stopped.

I observe: “Now I try to maintain a personality which is not Who I am – now I try to “understand” – now I try to do things right – in short, I am trying to be something I am not: the Holy Son of God. Noticing it, I stop  – become still – close my eyes – waiting for impulses from the right mind. In order to do that, I need to STOP and PAUSE as soon as I feel the pressure – the pressure of trying to uphold a false identity. I will put the puppet-material down: the polystyrene, the clay, the wood, the wire,the plaster, the fabrics, the colors, the brushes,the yarn, the lacker. I need to put it down. Finished.  I don’t want to make new puppets – or trying to improve the old one: new paint, new costume, new shine-up. Making a me, maintaining the belief in a separate me, is  not valuable.

The effort  trying to maintain what I am not results in frenzy. Futile.And the stress of trying to maintain this habit is self-torture.This is a job I have given myself (and we all do it)- to be something I am not -and to do something I don’t need to do.To please an angry god that is myself.Torturing myself. And I do it, because when I step out of puppet-making, I feel the first original fear and take it serious.

See this video: Nina Conti knows about this fear

See – right there where Nina has dropped her puppet and feels naked…

I give this moment to HS. Right now stopping – breathing – feeling the fear energy as fire in the solar plexus.Allowing it to heal. Simple.

My sister recently shared with me how she sat with a frenzied   woman’s deathbed.When the talk rose to catastrophic intensity, my sister stroked her brow horizontally ,lightly,with 2 fingers – and that was what was needed to bring the frantic woman to deep rest and peace.

I allow myself to truly take in, experience, the stresslessness of being as God created me.It  in this stresslessness   is the very non-doing that Kit pointed to in our last Skypesharing:  the key to Heaven. Also called Presence:)


Skype-session with Kit
I am sharing the cramps leading to the vision of the massacre and agony. When I do, it feels like the memory comes alive in my mind – I can’t count all the times stories I have written have been about massacres – and the strong feeling of being the one who carries this collective memory.
So there are different ways to interpret this: a cell-memory – a reincarnation memory – or the mind’s fabrication of a story that encompasses the collective guilt at the separation. I am familiar with the different takes on the story – but what needs healing for me is the belief that I am responsible for all that human agony, and I need to be punished for it.
This belief is operative behind many incarnations where I have lived out stories where this seem to have been true. The belief runs them all.
I share with Kit a dark off-spring-pattern that comes from believing in the original fear-story: a tremendous need to be “right”, to punish the others who are “bad”, and that I am the only one who is innocent. The energy around this story/these beliefs/ is heavy, murky and mean. This second bunch of patterns are clearly a response to the first belief of being guilty – now the guilt is “safely” projected on the baddies outside “me.”
Sharing this brings great release and clarity. The disidentification that happens is immediate: this is just egos stories. Nothing at all – until I believe in them.
Now I decide to just sit with the feeling of agony and believing “I am guilty”.  After one minute I hear a paramedic siren at Kit’s side. It stops right outside her building. A big smile come on my face: “She has sent for help and they have come to get her and take care of her.” ”She” being the part that has identified most intimate with the original guilt, and who has created all these lives as helper and /or victim. I see the paramedics coming and putting her on a stretcher, bending over her lovingly. She is safe.
As I share this with Kit, we both feel shivers up our backs. Something inside lets go and receive love and care, and the terrible responsibility of fixing everybody’s agony slides right off her. Now is time for rehabilitation – for receiving the love and care she always denied herself.
It feels like new oxygen pours into my cells. Sharp pains that were numbed and frozen are thawing and welcomed.
I feel immensely relieved. And calm. C A L M

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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