Lava-anger

What I am describing here is the very essence of torture belonging to anyone who cannot share humongous pain – be it trauma of any kind, abuse,war,illness – the occasion where this goes on continuously and there is no-one who will listen or acknowledge what goes on.

In the case of abuse,the family will not under any circumstances acknowledge it, And as soon as your face shows that there is something going on with you, you are told that ” do you have to look so forlorn – you, who are SO well cared for.

So the circumstances are:

constant abuse of any kind – (could be both inside the family and outside, from others,  as in my case) – and you discover that any signs of “something wrong”  psychologically/mentally are simply not tolerated.  If you get a flu, you may get lots of sympathy – breaking an arm gets you “Oh your poor child” and ice-cream. But ANY signs of inner agony – that anything is “wrong with you” – STOP IT. NO expression at all.

The consequence is that you can never relax. You cannot rest anywhere. You cannot even let yourself know how lonely you are, how terrible all that inner pain is, since it is denied from your closest ones, and consequently by yourself too.

This is how grave splits and dissociation happen in the psyche, and we get cases of severe denial and  “multiple selves” – and this is what I describe in my book you see in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Dream this morning:

I was hiking with a group of people to a place where we were to stay and live for some days. The weather was rugged, and I saw that I had only my old (at least 40 years old) red rain jacket on.

When we arrived, I went from room to room to find a free bed (mattresses on the floor.) There were clothes on everyone –  all were taken.

The metaphor: I have no place to rest, to sleep.

Maybe you can  recognize that belief – that feeling deep inside?

I saw clearly HOW repressed my desperation was at that time – due to deep abuse and also sexual torture from several people outside the family. It lasted years. It became the normal. My dream showed me the depth of my repression – and anyone’s repression, in the cases where there simply are no healthy people who CAN notice and care for the children who are victims of this. This kind of total repression goes far back through the ancestral lines – and you who read this may be one of those people who were never HEARD and welcomed and listened to.

After this realization, the underlying lava-anger started to erupt. There were strong murderous feelings and images, I allowed them all, honoring that child  – now I received the images of her hacking people to death: “Of course you has these impulses! This was at least an expression of the anger you felt – and any of us may feel  – when any sign of suffering is simply not allow to SHOW. And I am so grateful you did NOT show them there and them – that would most certainly have been dangerous for you. I am so very sorry for what happened to you, and that led to all your beliefs about who you were ( despicable creature being all wrong, not worthy of being seen and listed to) and all the coping mechanisms that you made, that saved your sanity. But I am here now to hold you and support you and  allow you to express any feelings at all – you have a right to them.NOW you are not alone, I AM HERE with you – and that makes all the difference.”

“I hate GOD!” you wail – “I prayed that God stopped them doing what they were doing, and he did nothing! He is evil! He wants me to suffer! And that must mean that I am guilty!!” and the next thoughts, following from this – ” He is punishing me for something – ” and the next thoughts:  “this punishing may save me from Hell later.”

That last one has a deep impact, I feel. That way of thinking actually draws  opportunities for suffering to me.

My printer is now reflecting this to me: the color blue will not print. (BLUE is what I call inner spiritual guidance in this blog.) Also, the support-plate for the paper will not tilt/lean back – pointing to the fact that it is almost impossible for me to lean back and support myself and all I want to share – symbolized with the printed papers with my words on them.

I am one of those who has actively chosen to see anything that happens as metaphors. It has served me well, and the Universe plays with me here – as now, with the printer. Right now a wave of bliss and laughter wells up in me, and  Blue reminds me of all the occasions where I have discovered that God loves to play. I have included numerous of these short stories in my book – all humorous and peculiar and odd.

Here is a couple:

Blue is playing:

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

 

Blue is playing:

“…someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?”

A great light and soft love surrounds me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

*

My inner child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

Liberation of the Root-chakra

For old readers, who has followed this blog for some years – you will remember the “morning-gloom-and-doom” that has stayed in place, whatever else I have done healingwise.

These glorious days I see it as my greatest liberator.

Let me repeat that with an exclamation mark!

These glorious days I see it as my greatest liberator!

The last two days it has come with a ferociousness that is remarkable – and luckily I remembered this advice I had received recently:

“Scary difficult memories/energies/sights: Now you have the choice NOT to launch into your habitual patterns of resistance, but to stay with the rawness and discomfort of the situation – and let it transform you. ALLOW IT to set you free!”

And as soon as i dropped the identification with the feelings – I am NOT this, I am the awareness of it – it dropped, and it was tolerable. I talked lovingly to the part that had held on to the pattern of resistance as a surviving/coping mechanism, and honored for her choice to do that – she kept us alive and reasonable sane – well, sane enough to go through educations, get a job, get married etc etc – all the stuff we call life.

As soon as I saw this as a gift, the energies started to move. The part of me went through several layers –  intense terror, then dense fields of confusion and thought-spin – then huge rage and anger, then deep grief, then loneliness –  then I allowed it to wash through me, but knew all of this belonged to her – that little one that had gone through all of that. I was in the observer-position – and the part was not fused with me any longer, and could feel it all. I felt it with her, but did not identify with the “me” in it -it was just energy, it had come for a reason – to be seen and acknowledged and held and honored, so “she” and I could finally experience the LOVE that surrounded all of that.

The little one asked the Light “why wasn’t you there when the awful thing happened!” and the Light gently and lovingly told her :

“We were there when it happened. You dissociated from the trauma, and your fear and horror prevented you from seeing our presence. Now you know that we were there – and in that way, you will feel safe being in touch with the repressed feelings later. We have witnessed it, and our love and space for you will melt the negative energy-fields still clinging to your aura – as you yourself find forgiveness within.”

The last paragraph is part of the book ” When Fear Come Home to Love” which I present in the right menu. I have “known” this for 30 years – but these days, it feels like a much more comprehensive healing – like i visit it through many layers. It feels blissful each and every time i get to this place – it is only the resistance, and my identification of this victim, that keeps the pain and energies going. WITNESSING the pain FROM the Self – the loving Observer – transforms and transmutes it.

And now to the fun stuff – the synchronicities after such a lovely process. I get out of bed, and are nudged to open one of the many creative journals I have in front of me in the bookshelf. I open it randomly, and find this image:

The freed Root wicenter

After taking a photo of this to share, I found my had going into another cupboard and taking out a miniature book. I opened it on this page:

 

 

A way to Healing chronic illness/disorders

More on Dragons and Princesses – the 7 week online play-shop I will lead, starting January 1st.

“Dragons” relate to illnesses and “chronic problems” we seem to have – and how we will deal with them instead of “trying to heal” them.

When we change our relations to our wounds – our illness, our pain – we give it the space it needs where it can open up – be seen playfully and with wonder – and therefore be transformed. As long as we hate it and want to fix it, we prevent it from moving and changing – because we have judged it as bad and “shouldn’t be here.”
The more we try to “heal it”, the more we cramp around it, the more resistance is created around it. And then we judge and resist the resistance…no wonder the dragons hold on tight to their treasures.

Just being with it – playfully – creates an extension of the soul you wouldn’t have found if the “illness” had not come to you. This is grace and this is strength: no more victimhood, but an opportunity to open up to look at it differently – with playfulness and “not knowing.”

Only then will the dragon tiptoe out of the darkness – no longer attacking us with flames and horrible sounds – and the princesses will become visible.

Please notice: no expectations for “artistic results.” You need not have any former experience – I assure you, when we just meet up with our willingness and trust in Spirit, magic happens – and also wonderful synchronicities.

Wanna play?
Registration for Dragons and Princesses started 15th of November – just pay a deposit on 500 NOK (= ca 50 GBP) to PayPal – leelah11@gmail.com. The rest – 1250 NOK – is paid 20th of January 2018 – or the date that most of you get paid from your job 🙂

Any questions: please ask in the comments here.

WELCOME

 

Invitation to online Playshop in healing

This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is since 1988 the motto for my work as Expressive Arts Therapist at my studio; “Yes to the Soul.”

*
I want to speak to you about something that is very close to my heart. It is about how play, creativity, and silliness can be magical door-openers into what we have run away from – in a safe way.

I am here today to extend an invitation for a playshop (not workshop.) Some days ago, Spirit came through loud and clear and presented a structure for pioneering groupwork. Those who resonate with this will come together for a 7 weeks online playshop. Our intention is to bring healing to something we still haven’t accepted, embraced and forgiven – a “dragon.” As Rilke points out, it needs our help – and the help will come from our Self (Source, Higher Power, inner guidance, God, call it what you want.)

True healing happens when we come back into alignment with our essence. Trying to heal is struggle. Allowing intuition/Source to lead is something else altogether.

I am calling out to those playful dedicated souls who want to wake up and see through the dragons of illness, pain and victimization. That does not necessarily mean that illness and pain disappears: it means that we discover that they truly offer potentiality for great transformation.

And when we put our swords of judgment and resistance away, the dragons may relax and let the princesses out – the princesses being our own denied innocent needs and feelings. It is my experience, working like this the last 29 years in private practice and teaching it, when we stop opposing the illnesses/pain/problems, and instead opens to them with interested curiosity, creativity and PLAY, wonders may happen and princesses have been known to come out and jig happily.

(You who just decided “ Oh I can’t do that. I knew it. I don’t belong here“ – come back. Of course you are.)

We will each pick one dragon – a dis-ease, an illness, physical or emotional. We will set an intention of changing our relationship to it – from wanting to get rid of it – fix it – or “try to heal it” – to simply allowing it to BE and ***allow*** Source to take care of with it. It can do that only when we step back and get another perspective: creativity and

PLAY

When we are playing, we are stepping back from our limitations and our incessant drive to fix and perform and have validation from outside. Play opens you to a level of consciousness where more of YOU can come out. And we are receiving the magic of changing perspective on the dragon, on pain, on ourselves.

When WE step back, willing to play with the exercises***, not doing them for anybody but ourselves, to play and explore, then LOVE is free to flow into it in ways that are surprising and fun. And transforming! And even if the dragon may not be transformed, our MIND will be: we will be aware of that Something that directs our “creations”, we will notice themes arising in the group that show our connectedness. Maybe we will discover that there is so much more to our lives than what we have believed possible. What if we even may have seen through the veil of separation – seeing the illness as a messenger and an opportunity to love this part of us deeper.

***Practically: I will send you a creative exercise each Monday for seven weeks. It will be one theme each week. You need absolutely no “artistic” talent or practice. It is not about the result – it is about our willingness to play and explore and allow the love and energy inherent in the exercises to just express itself, just follow it where it wants to go. If you can only draw stick-men, that’s perfectly fine. Experience tells me that the more we trust and surrender to the process of simply doing these simple exercises, without trying to heal our dragon, the more freedom and space we give to our expressions. The more we get out of the way, Love can step in.

We will have a private group on Facebook, where we can post photos of our doodles, sketches, word-plays, photos etc. It is not to be judged. I see clearly – and sweat when I write this , like my body is underlining it for me:

Change will happen in our relationship to the dragons when we allow them to transform through our playfulness and non-seriousness – simply trusting and surrendering to a process we cannot control.

And precisely THERE Love and transformation enters.

I am sending this out now to find you. If you resonate, please email me with your name and mail address. There are only 2 places open.

About me:
In short: I have a studio – “Yes to the Soul” – where I since 1988 have worked with those who want to wake up to our true nature, and have used play and creativity as the main means for this. The process has always shown us that there is Something that leads our stories and expressions – and that this Something is nothing else than your own playful innocent magical Self.
*

To all those with extreme traumas

I got trapped in an old energy pattern just now, and was led to open my book at random – and to share it with readers who somehow are being led to this blog, this post right now:

Deep pain in the chest.

It yells:

“I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!”

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors into all the body’s openings.By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now

To be or not to be – judgment or freedom

Yesterday I had the most beautiful session I ever have experienced – with David Youngblood.

And in the night, when I started to feel bad again, I did not realize that JUDGMENT had sneaked in and did it best to push me back in to the old identity  of agony and victimhood.

It has been very helpful for me that judgment did that: Now I truly see the power it has to warp my perception, to send me into hell and false identity

-as long as it goes unnoticed!

But here I am, sharing about it: all is well. I was nudged to go on Facebook. Judgment told me this was NOT good, I was wasting my life. And sometime I really waste a lot of time going there. But not so NOW:

My best friend at Facebook posted this:

What happens when, just for a moment, we stay with our pain, our fear, our doubt, our discomfort, our grief, our broken heart, even our numbness, without trying to change it, or fix it, or numb ourselves to it, or get rid of it in any way? What happens when, even when we feel like leaving, abandoning the moment for the promise of a future salvation, we stay, sitting with the raw, unfiltered, boundlessly alive life-energy that is simply trying to express right now? What happens when, just for a moment, despite all urges to the contrary, we don’t “do” anything about our discomfort or grief, we drop all tricks and tactics and clever manipulations, and instead, begin to deeply acknowledge what is here, honouring it, listening to its deeper call, sinking into the mystery of it? What happens when we make the radical commitment to never turn away from this moment, as it dances in emptiness?* Jeff Foster

And I immediately recognized the old habit of judgment.
I was instantly back in track and allowed my LOVE to transform all that strange energy NOW

It was just a simple reminder – and what a lesson about the effect on the mind judging, and how screwed up I felt!

The realization is:What I am feeling NOW is exactly what I am asked to bless, sit with forgive. Receive, so my LOVE can transform it FOR me and THROUGH me

Thank you God!

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

*

Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

You may reblog this, provided you give links to this blog and credit the author

  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

Drugged

I recently had a nightmare with psychotic elements in it. Blue pointed out that I was addicted to the “me” in the past – the one with psychoses. To the energy of it. The identification. He told me I was drugged.

Yesterday I watched an episode of Little house on the prairie – where the father holds his son while the son is in withdrawal from morphine. The father does not leave his son for ONE second, and I bawled all the way through it – the need of being HELD so the pain could be allowed to BE there.

On the bus stop toward home two days ago, the same day as the dream, a very drunk man slept in the bus-shelter. Drugged. I blessed him  in my mind, and he immediately woke up and came to me and asked for money. I had no cash. He asked, ” could you afford a loaf of white bread and some liver paste?” I bought it for him. The bus came, and the driver told me that I don’t need to pay because I was kind to that man.

Today I met that same man right in front of my bus on my way home – but on a different station. He beamed when he saw me, took my hand and shook it and put his cheek to mine. “You helped me!” he exclaimed, and when I entered on the bus – with a different driver – the driver said,, when I told him I am a senior, “are you really sure you are that old?”   His expression – so gentle.

Blue: “See – trust the process, Leelah. As inside, outside. The drugged are being met with kindness. And the driver loves you and takes you home.”

 

Transformation

I write this blog because I am certain that what I explore and examine may benefit others. The root of pain – and how to relate to it with LOVE so it transforms – that is good stuff I think:) And today I want to share how old pain from generations back can be transferred to others. Us.

This night I again wanted to relate to the long-time source of pain in the chest-lung-area. When I cough now, it sounds like there is a huge echo-hall inside there.

So I thought – innocence! It needs innocence! And I “put” innocence in there – and it was not received. Super-strong resistance. And sitting with that, it became clear for me that of course GUILT cannot stand INNOCENCE.

Guilt calls for punishment – for perfection – CONTROL and clever pleasing behaviour. A Course in Miracles teaches that original guilt comes from the moment in the One Mind where the Son of God decided enter  the  experiment of separation – and arose in that indescribably horrible moment where we thought that God was now our adversary.

But God has not changed Her way on being unconditional eternal love, and I am still in my true nature as  He has created me

So -is it true that I am guilty?

I have certainly done a lot of hurtful thoughtless  behaviour in the separated state of mind. But am I guilty?

No – I still am as I always was and am – eternal, unharmed, all-loving. Aligning with this, I know I am innocent

So – The Course also teaches that I /my soul have chosen to experience everything I experience – included the pain in the chest.

How can I look at that differently now – with love and curiosity, instead of judgment?

I put a loving hand on my heart and close my eyes.

“Do you need something?”

It is Mother’s face I see there -( she died 40 years ago) right in the middle of the pain. And it is HER guilt I picked up, and it still nests there – begging me find all my grievances and let them go.

Now, with the Course practices, that relationship would have been quite different

And I saw that I needed to forgive myself for my creation of  all the stories of the world where love seems to be excluded. I chose to experience all of it, as soul, to find out how far away from God’s love I could come and STILL find Love.

Writing that now, I start to giggle – cause finding that out, from an extremely dark place, is what my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is all about.

Blue nudges me to open the book at random now.

Page 91: ( this is a description from a session with a man who just had got gout – and we found that it originated in my client’s grandfather, and his strong and fearful experience at his grandfather’s deathbed, when my client sensed that something “dark” was transferred from his grandfather to him. In the book, we explored how LOVE healed it all.)

“How did the pain come into being?”

“It started yesterday… it swelled, it is kind of an inflammation…. I have had this once before, and the doctor said it was gout… it is a bit embarrassing, gout is what older men may get In this moment I recognize and connect the energy to Eric’s grandfather. He died thirty years ago, but in Eric’s’ mind and soul his memory has still a strong effect, and carries with it a sense of horror that makes Eric split off a part of himself.

“Eric – when you speak about the pain in the foot, I get in touch with the energy from your grandfather. Could this pain have something to do with him?”

“I feel cold shivers down my spine!”

Shall we look closer into this?”

“Yes. I want that.”

*

Blue also points me to another place in my book – a reminder: ( this is written in 1992:)

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

Innocence

This journey of coming to a place of Innocence

Twice now I have written here – and twice the whole post has disappeared, even though I marked and saved it – and both times, that sentence of innocence comes instead 🙂

Thank you, Blue

Third time counts 🙂  AND I get that this is about knowing I AM on this journey to complete utterly innocence – like Jeshua talks about in The Way Of Mastery

Last evening I discovered that my bottom rock belief and fear is “I am the scum of the world.”
Later in the evening I started sabotaging myself again – many times – and discovered that “i” enjoyed being “punished.”

Big released breath: “i” liked the energy of being punished – it felt “safe.”

WOW

I have for years ‘known’ that ‘the punished’ wants punishment to pay off the horrid guilt it believes it carries AND IDENTIFIES WITH – but I never FELT it until last evening. There is a vast space between intellectually knowing and feeling, being present with.

Jesus showed me an image I have explored before: ‘me’ laying on a pedestal, young Mayan virgin being sacrificed by having my heart cut out while alive, and the priest who does it is Benjamin – my friend now.

What was new now was that i felt the pillar of all hatred and anger that he had in his face and soul when he lifted that dagger, and I looked him in the face -and I sensed that in the second before he killed me, I  took all that into me as ‘me.”

In this life, i have explored that same hatred/rage/disgust at women from my father’s possessed “Mr.Hyde” when he raped me as a small child – and thought that this hatred came from him.

But it has always been my* choice to create it and explore it and be on both sides of it – to find THAT which embraces it and transforms it. And fully knowing that all of it happens in this 3-dimentional illusory world that consists of our collective fears and beliefs projected out.  This is how Jeshua describes “the world” in the last lesson of The Jewel Course:

The things of this world will no longer hold any value, meaning, or purpose. For it is given unto you to understand that although this world was created in error (I speak not of the trees. I speak not of the clouds. I speak not of the blessed rain and precious soil of your Holy Mother, but of the world of ideas constructed based on the belief in and guilt for, Separation), that world is going to be corrected.)

And the thing is – when that energy-frequency  presents itself now, via others around me, I can embrace it – when I am ALONE.

So Benjamin and I will be alone now ( otherwise he comes together with a beloved friend)  and the fear is tremendous that I will feel this – AND IDENTIFY WITH IT.

And YES, I see that I have created this  to truly find the innocent-space to embrace it all, and see it dissolve into Light, which Jeshua says will happen to this “phenomenal” world, as we all withdraw our projections of separation from the planet.

And I choose: If I identify with it when he is here – I will accept and love myself just as I am – and bless the situation and let go of any thought that “i” have to FIX this.

 

*my choice: By this me is meant the ME beyond time and space, the “spirit-me.”

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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