Invitation to online Playshop in healing

This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is since 1988 the motto for my work as Expressive Arts Therapist at my studio; “Yes to the Soul.”

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I want to speak to you about something that is very close to my heart. It is about how play, creativity, and silliness can be magical door-openers into what we have run away from – in a safe way.

I am here today to extend an invitation for a playshop (not workshop.) Some days ago, Spirit came through loud and clear and presented a structure for pioneering groupwork. Those who resonate with this will come together for a 7 weeks online playshop. Our intention is to bring healing to something we still haven’t accepted, embraced and forgiven – a “dragon.” As Rilke points out, it needs our help – and the help will come from our Self (Source, Higher Power, inner guidance, God, call it what you want.)

True healing happens when we come back into alignment with our essence. Trying to heal is struggle. Allowing intuition/Source to lead is something else altogether.

I am calling out to those playful dedicated souls who want to wake up and see through the dragons of illness, pain and victimization. That does not necessarily mean that illness and pain disappears: it means that we discover that they truly offer potentiality for great transformation.

And when we put our swords of judgment and resistance away, the dragons may relax and let the princesses out – the princesses being our own denied innocent needs and feelings. It is my experience, working like this the last 29 years in private practice and teaching it, when we stop opposing the illnesses/pain/problems, and instead opens to them with interested curiosity, creativity and PLAY, wonders may happen and princesses have been known to come out and jig happily.

(You who just decided “ Oh I can’t do that. I knew it. I don’t belong here“ – come back. Of course you are.)

We will each pick one dragon – a dis-ease, an illness, physical or emotional. We will set an intention of changing our relationship to it – from wanting to get rid of it – fix it – or “try to heal it” – to simply allowing it to BE and ***allow*** Source to take care of with it. It can do that only when we step back and get another perspective: creativity and

PLAY

When we are playing, we are stepping back from our limitations and our incessant drive to fix and perform and have validation from outside. Play opens you to a level of consciousness where more of YOU can come out. And we are receiving the magic of changing perspective on the dragon, on pain, on ourselves.

When WE step back, willing to play with the exercises***, not doing them for anybody but ourselves, to play and explore, then LOVE is free to flow into it in ways that are surprising and fun. And transforming! And even if the dragon may not be transformed, our MIND will be: we will be aware of that Something that directs our “creations”, we will notice themes arising in the group that show our connectedness. Maybe we will discover that there is so much more to our lives than what we have believed possible. What if we even may have seen through the veil of separation – seeing the illness as a messenger and an opportunity to love this part of us deeper.

***Practically: I will send you a creative exercise each Monday for seven weeks. It will be one theme each week. You need absolutely no “artistic” talent or practice. It is not about the result – it is about our willingness to play and explore and allow the love and energy inherent in the exercises to just express itself, just follow it where it wants to go. If you can only draw stick-men, that’s perfectly fine. Experience tells me that the more we trust and surrender to the process of simply doing these simple exercises, without trying to heal our dragon, the more freedom and space we give to our expressions. The more we get out of the way, Love can step in.

We will have a private group on Facebook, where we can post photos of our doodles, sketches, word-plays, photos etc. It is not to be judged. I see clearly – and sweat when I write this , like my body is underlining it for me:

Change will happen in our relationship to the dragons when we allow them to transform through our playfulness and non-seriousness – simply trusting and surrendering to a process we cannot control.

And precisely THERE Love and transformation enters.

I am sending this out now to find you. If you resonate, please email me with your name and mail address. There are only 2 places open.

About me:
In short: I have a studio – “Yes to the Soul” – where I since 1988 have worked with those who want to wake up to our true nature, and have used play and creativity as the main means for this. The process has always shown us that there is Something that leads our stories and expressions – and that this Something is nothing else than your own playful innocent magical Self.
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To all those with extreme traumas

I got trapped in an old energy pattern just now, and was led to open my book at random – and to share it with readers who somehow are being led to this blog, this post right now:

Deep pain in the chest.

It yells:

“I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!”

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors into all the body’s openings.By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now

To be or not to be – judgment or freedom

Yesterday I had the most beautiful session I ever have experienced – with David Youngblood.

And in the night, when I started to feel bad again, I did not realize that JUDGMENT had sneaked in and did it best to push me back in to the old identity  of agony and victimhood.

It has been very helpful for me that judgment did that: Now I truly see the power it has to warp my perception, to send me into hell and false identity

-as long as it goes unnoticed!

But here I am, sharing about it: all is well. I was nudged to go on Facebook. Judgment told me this was NOT good, I was wasting my life. And sometime I really waste a lot of time going there. But not so NOW:

My best friend at Facebook posted this:

What happens when, just for a moment, we stay with our pain, our fear, our doubt, our discomfort, our grief, our broken heart, even our numbness, without trying to change it, or fix it, or numb ourselves to it, or get rid of it in any way? What happens when, even when we feel like leaving, abandoning the moment for the promise of a future salvation, we stay, sitting with the raw, unfiltered, boundlessly alive life-energy that is simply trying to express right now? What happens when, just for a moment, despite all urges to the contrary, we don’t “do” anything about our discomfort or grief, we drop all tricks and tactics and clever manipulations, and instead, begin to deeply acknowledge what is here, honouring it, listening to its deeper call, sinking into the mystery of it? What happens when we make the radical commitment to never turn away from this moment, as it dances in emptiness?* Jeff Foster

And I immediately recognized the old habit of judgment.
I was instantly back in track and allowed my LOVE to transform all that strange energy NOW

It was just a simple reminder – and what a lesson about the effect on the mind judging, and how screwed up I felt!

The realization is:What I am feeling NOW is exactly what I am asked to bless, sit with forgive. Receive, so my LOVE can transform it FOR me and THROUGH me

Thank you God!

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

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Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

You may reblog this, provided you give links to this blog and credit the author

  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

Drugged

I recently had a nightmare with psychotic elements in it. Blue pointed out that I was addicted to the “me” in the past – the one with psychoses. To the energy of it. The identification. He told me I was drugged.

Yesterday I watched an episode of Little house on the prairie – where the father holds his son while the son is in withdrawal from morphine. The father does not leave his son for ONE second, and I bawled all the way through it – the need of being HELD so the pain could be allowed to BE there.

On the bus stop toward home two days ago, the same day as the dream, a very drunk man slept in the bus-shelter. Drugged. I blessed him  in my mind, and he immediately woke up and came to me and asked for money. I had no cash. He asked, ” could you afford a loaf of white bread and some liver paste?” I bought it for him. The bus came, and the driver told me that I don’t need to pay because I was kind to that man.

Today I met that same man right in front of my bus on my way home – but on a different station. He beamed when he saw me, took my hand and shook it and put his cheek to mine. “You helped me!” he exclaimed, and when I entered on the bus – with a different driver – the driver said,, when I told him I am a senior, “are you really sure you are that old?”   His expression – so gentle.

Blue: “See – trust the process, Leelah. As inside, outside. The drugged are being met with kindness. And the driver loves you and takes you home.”

 

Transformation

I write this blog because I am certain that what I explore and examine may benefit others. The root of pain – and how to relate to it with LOVE so it transforms – that is good stuff I think:) And today I want to share how old pain from generations back can be transferred to others. Us.

This night I again wanted to relate to the long-time source of pain in the chest-lung-area. When I cough now, it sounds like there is a huge echo-hall inside there.

So I thought – innocence! It needs innocence! And I “put” innocence in there – and it was not received. Super-strong resistance. And sitting with that, it became clear for me that of course GUILT cannot stand INNOCENCE.

Guilt calls for punishment – for perfection – CONTROL and clever pleasing behaviour. A Course in Miracles teaches that original guilt comes from the moment in the One Mind where the Son of God decided enter  the  experiment of separation – and arose in that indescribably horrible moment where we thought that God was now our adversary.

But God has not changed Her way on being unconditional eternal love, and I am still in my true nature as  He has created me

So -is it true that I am guilty?

I have certainly done a lot of hurtful thoughtless  behaviour in the separated state of mind. But am I guilty?

No – I still am as I always was and am – eternal, unharmed, all-loving. Aligning with this, I know I am innocent

So – The Course also teaches that I /my soul have chosen to experience everything I experience – included the pain in the chest.

How can I look at that differently now – with love and curiosity, instead of judgment?

I put a loving hand on my heart and close my eyes.

“Do you need something?”

It is Mother’s face I see there -( she died 40 years ago) right in the middle of the pain. And it is HER guilt I picked up, and it still nests there – begging me find all my grievances and let them go.

Now, with the Course practices, that relationship would have been quite different

And I saw that I needed to forgive myself for my creation of  all the stories of the world where love seems to be excluded. I chose to experience all of it, as soul, to find out how far away from God’s love I could come and STILL find Love.

Writing that now, I start to giggle – cause finding that out, from an extremely dark place, is what my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is all about.

Blue nudges me to open the book at random now.

Page 91: ( this is a description from a session with a man who just had got gout – and we found that it originated in my client’s grandfather, and his strong and fearful experience at his grandfather’s deathbed, when my client sensed that something “dark” was transferred from his grandfather to him. In the book, we explored how LOVE healed it all.)

“How did the pain come into being?”

“It started yesterday… it swelled, it is kind of an inflammation…. I have had this once before, and the doctor said it was gout… it is a bit embarrassing, gout is what older men may get In this moment I recognize and connect the energy to Eric’s grandfather. He died thirty years ago, but in Eric’s’ mind and soul his memory has still a strong effect, and carries with it a sense of horror that makes Eric split off a part of himself.

“Eric – when you speak about the pain in the foot, I get in touch with the energy from your grandfather. Could this pain have something to do with him?”

“I feel cold shivers down my spine!”

Shall we look closer into this?”

“Yes. I want that.”

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Blue also points me to another place in my book – a reminder: ( this is written in 1992:)

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

Innocence

This journey of coming to a place of Innocence

Twice now I have written here – and twice the whole post has disappeared, even though I marked and saved it – and both times, that sentence of innocence comes instead 🙂

Thank you, Blue

Third time counts 🙂  AND I get that this is about knowing I AM on this journey to complete utterly innocence – like Jeshua talks about in The Way Of Mastery

Last evening I discovered that my bottom rock belief and fear is “I am the scum of the world.”
Later in the evening I started sabotaging myself again – many times – and discovered that “i” enjoyed being “punished.”

Big released breath: “i” liked the energy of being punished – it felt “safe.”

WOW

I have for years ‘known’ that ‘the punished’ wants punishment to pay off the horrid guilt it believes it carries AND IDENTIFIES WITH – but I never FELT it until last evening. There is a vast space between intellectually knowing and feeling, being present with.

Jesus showed me an image I have explored before: ‘me’ laying on a pedestal, young Mayan virgin being sacrificed by having my heart cut out while alive, and the priest who does it is Benjamin – my friend now.

What was new now was that i felt the pillar of all hatred and anger that he had in his face and soul when he lifted that dagger, and I looked him in the face -and I sensed that in the second before he killed me, I  took all that into me as ‘me.”

In this life, i have explored that same hatred/rage/disgust at women from my father’s possessed “Mr.Hyde” when he raped me as a small child – and thought that this hatred came from him.

But it has always been my* choice to create it and explore it and be on both sides of it – to find THAT which embraces it and transforms it. And fully knowing that all of it happens in this 3-dimentional illusory world that consists of our collective fears and beliefs projected out.  This is how Jeshua describes “the world” in the last lesson of The Jewel Course:

The things of this world will no longer hold any value, meaning, or purpose. For it is given unto you to understand that although this world was created in error (I speak not of the trees. I speak not of the clouds. I speak not of the blessed rain and precious soil of your Holy Mother, but of the world of ideas constructed based on the belief in and guilt for, Separation), that world is going to be corrected.)

And the thing is – when that energy-frequency  presents itself now, via others around me, I can embrace it – when I am ALONE.

So Benjamin and I will be alone now ( otherwise he comes together with a beloved friend)  and the fear is tremendous that I will feel this – AND IDENTIFY WITH IT.

And YES, I see that I have created this  to truly find the innocent-space to embrace it all, and see it dissolve into Light, which Jeshua says will happen to this “phenomenal” world, as we all withdraw our projections of separation from the planet.

And I choose: If I identify with it when he is here – I will accept and love myself just as I am – and bless the situation and let go of any thought that “i” have to FIX this.

 

*my choice: By this me is meant the ME beyond time and space, the “spirit-me.”

 

 

 

Sticks and Stones

Good morning – big smile

I woke up in the same mood as this blog has described for 4 years now – and asked Blue for help. I knew this feeling came from the “little Leelah” I have talked about so often here – the childhood pain I have identified as ME. Have I not healed this yet? What am I doing wrong? asks spiritual ego = spego

“There’s just this little thing” says Blue, smiling – and the morning-feeling comes back with venom and hits me in the chest so I can hardly breathe.

Can you just BE with this – lovingly? Without the story?

I say YES and remember to breathe deeply and relax into the energy

Reader: see a bright sun right HERE

The energy immediately melts –

And there, a little child

It is about 4 years old. Sitting on the ground, playing calmly with some sticks and stones, and looking up at me.  I shiver when I see its eyes – it is the Christ Child, just as I saw it many years ago in a group I led on Winter Solstice. Then it was newborn, in the crib.

“Have you come to fetch me now?” it asks. The situation is completely calm and without drama. No rush. My heart beats as I squat in front of it. The air is radiant; there is nothing that is not here in this moment, resting and loving and being embraced by the heart we all share.

I take it in my arms and hold it to my heart, standing up.

While I do that, I sense the old story about the inner tortured child -identity as energy – visiting me each and every morning – and I am aware how much I have valued that story as MY story – a story that proved how good I have been, playing the role that I did in the family, suffering SO much – probably more than others – much more – truly believing that that was my value, this suffering – my specialness

Seeing that as my true identity, of course it was impossible to let go of

And it was the exact moment I just WAS with it, without believing the story, that I freed the Christ within –

The absolute horrible obnoxious energy was just a filter, a veil that I had projected between me and Truth. MY decision.

Not believed in, it melted immediately when it received my willingness to be with it

As a therapist, seeing clients presenting their stories of suffering, it is a balance to feel compassion for what they have lived through – but never believe it – as Emmanuel wrote to me once:

   ”What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.
Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

“They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life.”

Thank you God for letting me see that it has been my choice to keep them alive, as my suffering-identity – which for so many of us has seemed to be the only one, or at least the one that has brought attention 🙂

Just this reminder then – become aware of a perceived need to hang on to the stories of pain as something that makes you you.

It reminds me of a time where I had just received the most phenomenal aromatherapy. The body floated when I walked to the bus – and the thoughts came: “but this is not really how it should be – right – I do not feel like this” and I went into the closest shop and bought a lot of chocolate to comfort that old me – being aware that I just re-created her, and noticing that I preferred that.

So the wonderful feelings went away, and the body felt like crap again – and was satisfied: now it could look forward to the next out-portioned bits of bliss. Cause that identity can ONLY have chocolate and nice things when it has suffered enough – it must earn it.

A true cornerstone in the ego thought-system

This is what I want to be aware of right now: the Christ child IS picked up again – and still, the body/parts of me/ insists that “this is not how WE feel.”

No it isn’t, my darlings, but you can get used to it.

It’s just a decision

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And this: 🙂 “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”

Thank you for that vision, Blue – and the reminder that I am not this body and its memories through all times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healing Without Rejecting

Written yesterday, November 15

I  experience right now  the very essence of what I have called the inner attacker in my mind – that I so often have manifested/projected on the “outside” world. To allow it is a bliss beyond words, and still I will use words to share with you.

What gave the rise to the healing that is now in action – is this:

I share two long ladders with my neighbors in the row of our houses. You can hatch them into each other if you need to climb really high. My new neighbors have put up a new “holder” for it – – and now I have to stand on a smaller ladder to reach up under the roof where these two big ladders are hatched into each other, to take one of them down. They weigh a lot. The little ladder is wiggly and so I feel very wobbly up there.

This put me straight into the very essence of this old attach/defense-wound: “They (my neighbor) WANT me to fall down, to suffer, to hurt myself. They are attacking me. I HATE THEM and want them to suffer as I do.”

It is remarkable to notice that all this still go on on the inside, like a tape – and that as long as I do not become aware of it, IT commands my mind: I think this is ME.

AMAZING to experience the power of it.

I got another taller neighbor to get one of the ladders down for me – he too had to struggle hard to get separate them from that hatch-mechanism – (seen as a proof that I was right in my judgment of my neighbors. And that my intense hatred of them was justified – my strong perception and belief was that they did this to attack me.)

People – this is how it looks when we carry deep old atrocious pain from our childhood – and have been told by parents and society that” you are BAD if you have these BAD feelings – anger is BAD, and especially GIRLS are BAD when they show them. Hatred: oh you are beyond redemption – since now GOD does not love you either. God ONLY loves nice children.”

So I braved myself and went over to my neighbors, and the woman came out. Her face looked contorted when she opened her door – and now I realize that this were mirror-neurons – her face reflected how I looked and felt unconsciously. Still, we talked friendly how we could solve this – and she told me that her husband, who is very tall, had bumped his head into the ladder when it was lying in the way it used to before they got this new hatch.

It turned out that she talked in generally – but my first impulse was that my sin had almost killed him.

OHMYGOD maybe he now lied inside bleeding because of me – GUILTY BAD GIRL – I must be punished

And everything the body felt at that time  60 years ago when this was learned, I learned to push down – or rather, the defense mechanism pushed it.

And so it has been all my life – 71 years – and this morning, I was turned around TOWARD the wound, with Matt Kahns words. He is teaching us how to talk to our self:

“So we close our eyes and relax our breath, and I say on your behalf: whether to this mind, to this heart, to this body, to any memory, to any grudge, to any disappointment, to any grief, to any loss, to any form of lack, to any illness, disease or unbalance: “I am so sorry that I have judged you so harshly and forgotten that you are a catalyst of Divinity. No matter how you were sent, and how you appear in my life. I realize that you are bringing to my attention an opportunity for me to enter into such an accelerated journey of healing beginning to balance the decease or the conditions that has come to me. As of this moment, I no longer judge myself for what I have manifested,I no longer judge other for what I seem to be dealing with, and instead I realize that I have manifested this as an opportunity to grow in consciousness, to manifest what I have previously judged as “less”, or “lacking”, as something less than the Light, and it is an opportunity for me to change my relationship with Life.”

This radiant moment I understand why it says that Light has no opposite: it’s because of my judgment of the situation/what is happening that I perceive the Light as darkness and pain – in reality, this is the greatest gift Life and God could give me right now.

“Thank you for being in my life. I love you so much. You are beautiful and you are wonderful just as you are. And maybe instead of asking the Universe to heal this and clear this out of my field – what if I take a revolutionary step: What if I say to the disease, the imbalance, to the pain, to the suffering, what if I say to IT: what can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

And so – this is what I did this morning – when I sensed the utterly familiar sensation of the lump: hatred, this shouldn’t be like this, I am wrong, I do it wrong, I hate myself, I hate THEM, I hate God for not helping me through this ( writing this, my heart is skipping beats) oh this is hopeless I give up (but at least I am being nice about it.)

And I turned toward it and asked it what Matt suggested.

This is a collective thought form/entity/”being” that the Holy Son of God has manifested since time and space and has accepted as real. It is not “mine” – and I have made it utterly mine, because of my denial of its Original Light. In this moment, in this One Mind that I Am – it is being brought to healing.

What can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

The first it said was “please give up your judgment of me – that turns me into darkness.”

And then “ just BE with me as the judgment-spell is taken off me”

I realize I have demonized my Self – and that It is not in the least affected by it – why? Because I am ever only hurt by my perception: in reality, the Self is eternally pure and Holy Spirit, but I – and we all – have pretended it is not.

And that is the prerequisite for separation.

In reality, nothing happened – and as long as I still partly identify with the body, I will experience the consequences of that original error –

But it is not serious, as Jesus repeatedly tells us in the Course, and in the Way of Mastery.

This is Matt’s take on healing without rejecting

“-How can I serve you – your sweet pain?

“- If we ever turn into whatever we try to heal, let us remember the two word mantra “Thank You. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being what guarantees my love becomes unconditional. Thank you for being immune for all my spiritual negotiation and manipulation, for not allowing me to turn away from this invitation to love myself. Thank you for the opportunity to be a steadfast teacher in my life and to only bring to my attention how much more support and love that I need to give to myself – even if I live in a world where everyone else seems to be concerned with everyone else except me. Thank you for ensuring my healing will be complete when my love has become more unconditional in nature. Thank you! I love having you in my life. – We have to shift from “I don’t want to have this in my life, to “hello beautiful catalyst of consciousness, hello disease, hello imbalance, hello grief, hello loss, hello disappointment, hello victimhood – what can I do to serve your journey? How can I make your experience of me better? How can I focus on being more interested in serving the experience of the illness and imbalance within me – instead of trying to get rid of it, and how I wish life would change? Can we turn inward, and just complement and honor this illness, imbalance and disease like it is child, just begging for love and approval – “you are perfect the way you are, even if I hate the experience you provide.” I know you are only here to be loved, even if I hate the feelings in my body. How can I create the best experience in my body while you are with me – I know this isn’t going last forever – but this will go on until I change the way I relate to myself, instead of insisting things must change first within me. How can I serve your experience? Let me be your companion – let me be your friend – and may it make my love unconditional – for the evolution of my journey and the benefit for all I am meant to encounter. Thank you for this disease, thank you for this illness, thank you for this imbalance, thank you for this pain, thank you for this adversity, thank you for this opportunity to bear my soul and become more honest, loving ,compassionate and complementary than ever before, thank you thank you thank you.

Everything that shows up in my field is what the other consciousness has not yet embraced. It does not matter if it is “mine” or “their” – it is here to be complemented like I am its closest companion.

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Holy Spirit at the doorstep

Yesterday, looking out of the window, I saw something light brownish and white lying in the grass. A dead animal, I thought – maybe a bird.

Later, downstairs in the healing-room where I work out in the morning, I saw a light brown and white pigeon sitting on my garden fence, looking at me. I realized it was the same bird that I thought first was dead – well, he had at least managed to fly up on the fence. I looked at him and wished him well with all my heart. One minute – and then he took flight, soaring.

How strange. I could have sworn he was dead when I first saw him.

This morning, I opened the main door to get the paper, and he flew up right behind my door – the door actually hit him.

I looked at him in wonder as the familiar signal inside went off: pay attention.

I watched him as he humped along across the little lawn – and then he humped up some stairs to a neighbor across the road.

I prayed for help to realize what this was reflecting. Birds points to Spirit –

I look into my little dream-book:

“Dove or pigeon: Interchangeably with the pigeon, the dove is a symbol of peace and reconciliation ( as the bird that brought the olive branch back to Noah’s Ark) and of love ( the emblem of the Holy Spirit.)

But – it was sick! Almost dead! And then resurrected and flew – as if nothing had happened to it – and today it was sickly again –

I put the thoughts away

And later, I was standing in the kitchen and felt the usual stress pattern coming up – old PTSD – and heard myself saying out loud:

But I am not sick – meaning: my identity is not sickness

Thank you Sacred Self – you are showing me, via this pigeon, that what I have tried so valiantly to heal and interpret and understand, is not “MINE” – it belongs to the dream, the illusion of separation.

My true identity is SELF – oneness with my Creator, created in His Image – and surely that can not be sick

But the bird taught me that I think sickness belongs to my identity:

it played out dead – sickly – fabulous flyer – and then “waiting for you at your doorstep, being smashed a bit around”

I love the humor  and playfulness of the divine

“What suffers is not part of me” stresses the Course – which is a good thing: now I can embrace it instead of identifying with its suffering

For the first time, I truly SEE the choice where to put my belief: sickness or Spirit

Which means that the next time symptoms flare up, I will remind myself “appearances only” and  rest in God

The ego is trying to convince me that if  I don’t make the appearances instantly disappear, Spirit is not to be trusted.

Not so – silly thought – the discomfort can be there now, it is not a sign that I am wrong and a failure(which spiritual ego claims) just that the story the pain is telling comes from a belief in separation and shall not be taken seriously

I am not a traumatized “somebody “- I am Spirit – healed, whole and innocent – all is forgiven and released

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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