White horses in the night

Dream

Dark night in the snowy wood. No flashlight, but feeling confident. Not cold. Suddenly, there is a glowing bowl of fire under the snow. It rolls! It knows where it goes, it knows it purpose! A wind of freedom soars through the wood, and there are horses – all shining white in the darkness – , they run 3 feet OVER the snow, oh, their manes – alive  – they know their purpose too –

Then I am out of the wood, and it is seven to nine -still light, no snow here – is it day or night, i don’t know –

right behind me are soldiers, and they seem more like freedom fighters, not serving the government – they have blown up something, and the building beside me is the Police Department, or is it the Ministry of Defense 🙂 I see windows blown up, but the damage seems “civil” to me – done with consideration 🙂

The  white horses are surely in team with the disruptors

*

Last night I followed a teleclass with Zach Rehder –

this is a wonderful demonstration of how his work dismantles old defense patterns. Afterwards, I felt completely overwhelmed, and very close to panic. So I sat myself down and asked for help – breathed into the feelings/sensations, and heard: ” Fill your heart with Love for this scared little part of you.” As I did, it became so clear that I AM this Love and not the scared part. The scared part had come to life because of belief  in separation in my mind – and seen from this loving ME, it was a thought I forgave – it seemed silly.

I remembered my Identity in God, and I forgave my fear-creations and my identification with them all – look where it has brought me – to this sacred moment 🙂

The sensations in the body-mind, that before always have led to psychotic episodes or months of panic and anxiety, this time was seen as an unreal creation with no power except the one I had given it by believing in it

I went to bed, I rested in God

and then the dream happened

Now, the further work – to truly embrace the fear-energies when they come – and forgiving myself if I start to believe in their stories again

Waking up in the shower

In the shower, I sense chaos subsiding, energies align with clarity.I sense the aura purring like a cat who is stroked. I am aware of some very clear thoughts:

The suffering child/me – and my whole childhood –  is a projection. The memory of the violated suffering little child me is in this moment seen as a construct of ego. I have told myself that I must never betray her, as she was betrayed – meaning I must keep “her” close so I can be there for her if she falls into panic or psychoses. Now I SEE that if I withdraw my investment in the belief that she is ME and that it happened in REALITY, the whole story crumbles and evaporates. There simply IS no “me” to save.

What has given her reality – brought that story into flesh and emotions and vulnerability and victim-hood and me and other, is ONLY  the Holy Son of God’s  choice for the possibility of separation. That choice is taken with the free will that God gave His Son – and so it is manifested.

As the water strokes the aura, I know in gratitude and release that in Truth, there is no suffering, no separation, no victims and predators – there is a false belief in guilt and sin projected into the separated fragments of the One Son. I am not leaving “her” – betraying her – there is no HER other than in my constructed story of separation. I can turn of the projector – I am willing to see clearly.

*

Writing the last sentence, this poem by Thich Nhat Hanh comes to mind.

Please Call Me by My True Names

I have a poem for you. This poem is about three of us.
The first is a twelve-year-old girl, one of the boat
people crossing the Gulf of Siam. She was raped by a
sea pirate, and after that she threw herself into the
sea. The second person is the sea pirate, who was born
in a remote village in Thailand. And the third person
is me. I was very angry, of course. But I could not take
sides against the sea pirate. If I could have, it would
have been easier, but I couldn’t. I realized that if I
had been born in his village and had lived a similar life
– economic, educational, and so on – it is likely that I
would now be that sea pirate. So it is not easy to take
sides. Out of suffering, I wrote this poem. It is called
“Please Call Me by My True Names,” because I have many names,
and when you call me by any of them, I have to say, “Yes.”

Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow —
even today I am still arriving.

Look deeply: every second I am arriving
to be a bud on a Spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
to fear and to hope.

The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that is alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing
on the surface of the river.
And I am the bird
that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily
in the clear water of a pond.
And I am the grass-snake
that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl,
refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean
after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am the pirate,
my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving.

I am a member of the politburo,
with plenty of power in my hands.
And I am the man who has to pay
his “debt of blood” to my people
dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.

My joy is like Spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
so vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and my laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart
can be left open,
the door of compassion.

http://www.spiritualnow.com/

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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