The Left Eye

Lesson 9, Way of Mastery

It is not possible for you to taste death

This night, I  dreamt about my childhood house – it seemed that my parents were preparing to move out of there. There was a young boy I had never seen there – instead of a normal left eye, he had a bloodshot intestine there – awake, I saw that I somehow have instructed my intestine to SEE for me – the left part, the woman. Makes great sense for me . The boy’s name was one in my early school-classes – his last name resembles the word laborious ( Laboreaux, French.) So I honored those intestines, laboring for me, truly digesting what that little girl could not see if she would keep her sanity.

I realized that a deep default fear of mine was “ always be accommodating towards men, never show disrespect – and this morning it was clear to me that it was a BELIEF, not a fact.

Today was also The World Biggest Eye-contact Experiment. More than 58 countries participated.

On the bus to town, that fear of death made it very hard to breathe, I tapped on it, and also did the lesson 9 exercise – “it is not possible for you to taste death. I was one of the participants in Oslo, sitting there waiting for people to come and do a one minute eye contact. I asked them to look into my left eye ( soul eye.)  So 30-40 people have looked deeply into my left eye today. One cried deeply, ca 98% I felt a deep gratitude and love for – we connected deeply – and the last guy and I opened to such an ocean of pure joy that I will never forget it.

The first who came over, was a whole gang of black dressed youths,  maybe from Cambodia.One of them had a long yellow costume oer his black dress, with a black tip on his yellow hooded head. He was cocky, and I asked him if he was  a pencil…I am a banana! he insisted, and then he sat down. The boys were looking. The banana did a lot of shenanigans: he opened his eyes wide, blinked fast and spastically, it seemed he did it on purpose – it felt like a power exhibition. The more he did that, the more I adored him – the way his position was in that group, he probably was supposed to do that. But since I did not react, just felt more and more soft toward him for every second, suddenly he surrendered. There was a big shift, and he looked surprised. “Did you notice that? I asked, and he said yes, stood up quietly and they walked away.

So I may have changed a banana’s life today

Another guy started to talk and talk. I talked for a while, then listened, and then I saw myself in the old pattern – not daring to tell him that I wanted to NOT talk, because he would kill me. I allowed myself to tell him that I wanted to not talk. I hated it. He took it personally, I asked him not to take it personally . he told me he didn’t…and then he got his rucksack and wanted to leave, and I got up and hugged him and meant it – but still so convinced that my job was to make him feel good.

Now I think about it a LOT, and allow myself to feel the fear and knowing it is a part of death that I simply cannot taste for real, but I can embrace myself each time the paranoid thoughts come. I simply have to allow ME to wake away….big lesson, this. Sickening full of fear.

The third guy sat down and looked hard at me and told me “I am paranoid.” There was quite a lot of resistance there in the beginning, and then I told him “you choose to sit or leave whenever you feel like it. You’re in charge.” Very good impulse – there was a big shift, and then we both sat in that delicious ripple.

And only now, writing this, did I notice that that left eye that had giver her power over to her intestines to digest stuff, was today met by a whole bunch of people.

So only 1 guy was challenging – the other two “strange ones” I enjoyed – and the rest was pure Heaven.

It felt – indescribably beautiful

The lie we buy as humans

Dipping down deep into the Fuckeat-archetype* today, of violence and attack.

I asked Jesus to take care of my dreams this night, and he presented me for an old repeating dream pattern where I want my daughter to do something NOW and when she doesn’t immediately comply, I become an insanely wrathful monster who controls her completely – or rather, tries to control. The rage comes from an underlying deep feeling of powerlessness and worthlessness.

Awake, I ask to be taken back to a situation in this life where I was on the receiving end of this. It is clear; I am sitting with my father at his own masterpiece as carpenter – a beautiful mahogany desk. He is trying to help me understand something in homework for school, I don’t know how old I am – but his anger scares me so much that I truly think he may kill me if I don’t understand.

I can see the levels in this creation:

Father/parent: it is required of me that I make you understand and learn. If I don’t succeed, you will fail and that will be my responsibility – this is an expression of Love, this is how I have been taught that Love is: full of demands and threats. “I punish you for your own good.”

I realize from where I am now how me being “stupid” was a blemish on the perfect and idyllic façade of the family – no signs of suffering allowed, except maybe physical pains

This thought is clearly based on our innermost and first collective misunderstanding: that we don’t have a loving Self/connection to God, we are separated and on our own. Love is something that must be had from outside – and it must be deserved, and it must be portioned out, due to how worthy we are of it – meaning the results we get at school and at work.

The attempts of control of this façade – and our performances – take a tremendous toll on our nervous systems and our muscles, which have the job of absorbing it all.

I was not aware that I as angry at all on my daughter, before she wrote it in a letter to me when she was 13 – “I was deadly afraid.” What – of me???

My father probably denied it for himself too.

Now, in the night, sitting and breathing into it in my bed, I sense that I simply now understand that my intense fear of angry men is in reality me being angry at me for not being perfectly conforming to the others demands and expectations

That’s why punishing myself feels safe, and I am recognizing that I am a sucker for it.

Until now

I am allowing myself to see these beliefs and HAVE THESE feelings now – no judgments – what a relief that is. And I also remember the bus driver who lost it, where I found my Christ coming out and smiling at him – and he became instantly transformed.

Just by my willingness to disregard his behavior and look through it to his Self and his innermost innocence – which is our original state of being

Hah – I see that the paranoia in me is just another flavor of these beliefs – I have projected my own hidden hatred and murder lust of myself on the others, who have played out these attack-thought/projections in various degrees of viciousness.

“You are doing it to yourself” as The Course repeats – “there are nobody out there but you.”

Here is my repeated thought and demand that I must NOT do anything “wrong”.

Killer and victim- ONE coin. I place it on the Altar.

Just now sitting with the feeling of being “the stupid one” – allowing myself to calmly breath and relax into it

Nothing of it is built on the Truth of Who we are: One with our Creator.

We can pretend all we like here in our world – and it will never become Truth

So I notice that I now actually look forward to people losing it in front of me – I know they are really acting out this old collective impotent anger – and that it is not mine and that is not his or yours, it is just a thought that our ego-mind has cooked up to keep us trapped in its world of separation and fear.What we believe in, becomes our reality.


The Fuckeat-archetype* is described in detail in “When Fear Comes Home to Love:”

“… you will meet Fuckeat as Killer / Destroyer, Vampire (Hungry Ghost), Fucker, Crusher, Despot, Invader. Thank God he is nothing else than our own hidden guilt and self-hatred, which forever awaits our forgiveness. His main defeaters are Play, Creativity, Humor, Love and Forgiveness – as you will see from our stories.”

And then  The Course will speak the last word:

M.VI.7 The more grotesque the dream, the fiercer and more powerful its defenses seem to be. 8 Yet when the teacher of God finally agrees to look past them, he finds that nothing was there. 9 Slowly at first he lets himself be undeceived. 10 But he learns faster as his trust increases. 11 It is not danger that comes when defenses are laid down. 12 It is safety. 13 It is peace. 14 It is joy. 15 And it is God.





Fear’s creation

I live in a little road with houses in a row on each side. We have flat roofs, and they need new roofing. We agree that if we hire a firm to do it for both our rows, that would be the cheapest.

This has awoken really bad nightmares in me. When my father almost lost his factory and livelihood the first time – and a second time, when it sank into quicksand – I remember his agony, the tremendous fear of my parents, and as a child of 9 I made a vow never to have to deal with houses and money myself, since it obviously led to disaster.

So now the mind immediately got fired with retelling these old stories, and telling myself that now I must make NO mistakes, or I would subject my neighbors to disaster. I knew it was an old thought and pattern, but it stuck intensely to my identity. Last night I started to fantasy- all the things that could happen and must NOT happen – and because I resisted them so vehemently, they for sure were going to happen – all in technicolor and surround sound.

So what happened this morning? My oldest neighbor rang my doorbell and told me that the neighbor next to me had had moving cleaners at her house – meaning that she must either be at an institution or hospital or dead. ( She really IS old and sick.) I recognized my fantasy from the night, and thought “see what you have made!” Guilt was what I had made. My old neighbor told me how scared he was that we might have to wait with doing that repair a whole year, until my closest neighbor house was sold – and I registered that he was just voicing my own fears – “but that does not mean that they are not true” said the warning voice. I saw how I saw that voice as my savior.

I talked to my other neighbors, and suggested we sign a paper where we all stated our cooperation and willingness to have new roofs and pay for them. They praised me for my wisdom :), we signed, I left them and I just took a peek inside my closest neighbor’s window – and there she was, her flat still fully furnished, watching TV. I rang her bell and she turned her head a little and shrugged and refused to move.

So I fetched the other old neighbor, he signed the paper too and was very embarrassed by his mistake – and we went to her window and banged it. She saw us and pretended to fall asleep. Now I had gotten really frantic – “open you old stubborn bitch you” ( no, not out loud) and she suddenly turned around and screamed.

So we went away.

I knew when I was alone again that I was caught in a paranoid pattern, I prayed deeply to see this differently, to get helped to disconnect from this old story. I called her son who never takes his phone – he is one of our country’s most popular artists – and he answered my first ring. I told him that his mother’s neighbors needed her to sign the paper – he told me that he was in fact going to visit her the same evening, and would see to it.

Still the fantasies were vicious and intense, I was certain she would refuse to sign just to spite me and punish me for banging. Still, I prayed and forgave and at the same time doubted my prayers.

Just some 15 minutes ago, a big bag of newspapers that I had put out to be fetched the following day was blowing away. I went out  – and in exactly the same second, Mickey came out from his mothers house with the signed paper. To put in my mailbox.

We looked at each other and laughed – me in my pajamas. What a timing.

And what a superdetailed story I had made – and believed in – and STILL, what I had feared the most, DID NOT HAPPEN.

And now I am fully ready to go back to that time where my parents thought that all was lost – and the crazy energy that I picked up on. Listen to little Leelah, what she made that mean. And at last let it go.

How super clear I have witnessed how we create our world and life – and how willingness to doubt it create miracles

Working through an old story

Uncanny how we are able to direct the electronics around us to play on team with the lessons we need. My pattern is to have people treat me disrespectfully, come late to appointments, or “forget them.” This gives the old story a chance to insert itself on anybody I am communicating with in my surroundings. “This ALWAYS happen to me.” This time 2 plumbers acted it out perfectly for me.-I knew I was stuck in an old story, and had worked for a whole day with praying to see it differently, being willing to forgive myself for my creation etc. It was exhausting, and it felt like doomsday – death, almost.

What I truly need to take in, is that my phone also played along with my unconscious need to be unjustly treated. So when he came – ½ hour after he had set the appointment, after having moved it 3,5hours later, I was livid. My story was affirmed, other people were NOT to be trusted. I was NOT being respected. He could at least phoned and let me know! And this time I was not willing to pretend that all was well, so I confronted him with 3 breaks of promises, not meeting to appointed times. No more meek sheep.

He told me he had got no messages on his voice-mail and no sms’s – that was strange since I had sent 1 of each. I told him I had given him my cellphone nr, he said he had not got it. He said he had sent messages on my answering machine, I said it had not made a sound, and I was in the same room as the phone.

The communication was 1) at first a tie – both defended their status as unjustly treated and innocent accused – then 2) we started to listen to each other 3) then, as he told how a plumber’s day is very unpredictable – like suddenly encountering a leak in the wall and the work taking 3 more hours – ahhh that killed a lot of paranoia – and I could tell him “I made up a lot of stories there” and he smiled and told me not to do that – and his boss had 2 days ago got a little girl, so that’s probably why he did not answer my mails – jeesh I could get that – and suddenly I stood in a shower of light: that old vortex of hatred , guilt slinging and blame just dissolved.

And we smiled and smiled, and when he left he shook my hand firmly and looked straight into my eyes.

And now comes the clou: although I had sat near the phone when he called and left 2 messages that he was going to be late, I had not heard a sound. And that phone gives a loud sound. I found the messages after he left LOL

It shows me how much push it was inside me to KEEP the story and be RIGHT – but he was right, and it felt just delicious. I guess all that praying and practicing for hours had an effect LOL

It reminds me of a similar happening  last Saturday: I was in town, and a brand new schedule – shining white – announced the tram departures to the address to a workshop. A man at the station pointed out that that train had stopped going to my destination 3 years ago! Now it went only one station.Still, that schedule was brand new I tell you. THIS story was another old one: “I am always tricked.” And this time, the miracle was there on the station as this young man – how could he know I was not taking the tram for only one station? I asked him that, he just smiled and took that one-stop-train to the end station “ The Castle-garden.”

Nice symbol, don’t you think?

So I took another train and allowed HS to direct me. When I finally reached the destination of the Workshop, even the map I had showed a wrong placement  in the road.

All this shows me the power of the mind to project the exact illusions that mirror what we have chosen as our “reality.” And as shown here – we easily bend physical laws to prove that we are right.

Now I thank God for the force of that unpleasantness: if there comes a next time where I want to be unjustly treated, I will shudder and say “No thank you. I choose love instead-”

PS: That plumber was dressed completely in red. Only when I saw this image just now on Facebook did I understand the deeper meaning of the  lesson to day


Dismantling the costume


Sitting with a (theater)costume. It has elaborate seams: hundreds of them, vertical – like an old fashioned corset. I sit with a Stanley surgical knife and cut stitch for stitch, opening all the seams, and in his way dismantling the costume completely.

I used to work in professional theater with my husband. We had both a lot of paranoid traits.

I am dismantling the seams of my paranoid persona – stitch for stitch. It is very pleasurable.

These “seams”…what a sweet metaphor: the seams are “seems” = appearances.

I am seeing that I am cutting them, and that the cutting process is SO pleasurable

Sleeping and  then waking up…

There is a sudden radiant clear insight that what I have all my life- and lives – considered as threats from the outside -or from inside the mind, but not “mine” – in Truth IS me threatening me, attacking me – there is nothing outside the mind -it is confused mind, choosing the ego

choosing to attack myself – punishing myself for imagined sins against an imagined wrathful god…this comes from a perceived need to keep the Leelah-identity as my safety. Here is the very root of my fear:  the perceived need to keep the “me” identity in order to be safe

My only safety lies in resting in my true identity – the Christ Self.

Right now, there is laughter and release in seeing that I have wanted this dance of being attacked and  feeling righteous about it. It seems wonderful silly and hilarious.

The small identity has been terrified of its own choice to be punished

But that choice in MINE, and mine to choose against

I am unhurriedly on the path toward removing this self abuse pattern in the mind –

…( I am speaking the experience into my recorder in bed. Here is a long pause)

I am bathing in a divine Space of Peace and safety. I have demonized my own Self and  perceived it as “other” and then experienced the attacks from “the outside”  –  how impossible it is to be safe as this limited role we have made of our Self –

– the separated me does not exist: there is only a thought about a “me”, believed in – and because this belief is fully empowered and not doubted, the world of separation seems to come into existence

I am willing to see it differently now

I am all smiles


Quan Yin,Carol Simone and a black panther

Last night I had a Skype session with Carol Simone.

During the session there was deep work done with important members of my family – all dead except a brother – and also inner aspects of self. Simone told me about a black panther with shiny yellow eyes that loves me and looks out for me, as one of my medicine animals. So now I have a white horse and a black panther:)

It’s name is Shiloh

How fun to discover that both Ya Karim and Shiloh are names for Christ – the Highest Love

I did not feel relieved after the session, and did not sleep better – but I had a dream that showed me the end of a pattern of paranoia:my late husband had it – insanely jealous, and took anything as a signal to make me “guilty” – there was absolutely no way for me to make him see his error, that nothing had happened
but in the dream he turned up with this insanity about him, and all I felt was tremendous compassion and tenderness – there was no defenses in me, no correction of him -just being calm and letting him know I saw how important it was for him to truly know what had happened – and after some timeless time his demeanor changed – his eyes found mine, and his hand very softly brushed my hand. This was his acknowledgment that his suspicions were wrong.
This never happened while we were married.
Paranoia healed is not so little achievement after a session

How much paranoia is the masterwork of the ego: the tremendous guilt, crushingly denied and projected outside

Calling for help

This is a poem by Ylva Eggehorn:

Stand still within the pain, rooted in
that which is light in you

let the sword go through you
maybe it isn’t a sword at all

Maybe it is a tuning fork
you become a tone

You become the music you always
yearned to hear

You did not know you were a song

For the last month or so an old pattern has resurged: paranoia. Noia has the ability to paint up graphic films of disaster in minute detail. You see them, you feel them, they feel real without question, you are expecting these dark threats to manifest any moment – and then you start to prepare for them, making them real.

I recognize that in my childhood, it was reasonable to be alert and look for signs that my father would go from Dr.Jekyll to Mr.Hyde-mode: there was a faint hope that one could close the door to the insane dark energy that directed his acts. I am sure I frantically asked for help – and since i was used to identify myself with “deeply unworthy and sinful and guilty,” I denied my true nature. When we do that, we believe in lies – and thats where the intervention comes from.

What we believe in becomes true and real for us

I have in the last month worked together with a great guy on a project – and on the web. And the paranoia had spun out the most outlandish scenarios about his relationship to me: I have told stories about how he hates me and is just waiting to explode and blame me for being over-demanding and expecting the impossible. Thanks to the levels of awakeness I have been aware of this disaster-making in the mind, and each time forgiven the fear-scenarios: if God is Love, these thoughts of fear belong to the ego thought-system and are not true.

And I have witnessed again and again that what I have feared, has NOT been correct at all – it has been just my paranoid mind spinning out the old “believe the worst and prepare for it.”

What has been helpful these last days in dispersing the paranoid stories is to deeply see and be with the old terror – as a bodily emotional imprint. Being still, as Eggehorn writes in her wonderful poem – and anchor myself in Truth.

Sometimes the terror-levels are so high that I cant sense “that which is light in you” – and then I truly need to surrender all “my” knowing and stories and trust that my true nature – The Christ/Buddha nature/Self, call it what you will –  IS there despite the appearances of enormous pain and tensions – I set an intention to allow It to just BE. Sometimes there is a subtle shift – and there is truly a resting within the pain, and an anchoring in Self.

I am forgiving myself for still dreaming up the paranoic stories – but see them clearly for what they are – appearances, illusions, depending on my belief to seem real. In this last month, I have repeatedly seen through them – the guy loves to work with me, is dedicated to do it correctly – and all it takes to spin myself into paranoia is to pick up on some irritation in the way he communicates and take it personal.

Taking it personal: that is the essence of the pain in all abuse-scenarios: we think it is a personal me that the terror is happening to. We think it happens  because something about us – ( and no wonder, that’s what the abuser tells us – again and again). It is not about us: it happens because of unbearable split-off pain in the abusers mind, that they project on us: now the suffering victim is replaced and projected outside themselves, into a child.

What the child receives is their pain, their guilt,their shame,their shock, their hate, their disgust,their need for revenge.

That is the psychological explanation of it.

From the Course’s view it is different:

The mind outside time and space is as God/Love created it: Spirit – whole and innocent. There is only ONE mind – seemingly fragmented into humans and stones and kittens and stars. Choosing to believe that it is possible to be separate from our Source – and believing in this tiny mad idea, that the Course calls it – creates the world, or the dream that we are dreaming up. And when we, as Gods Son, choose to believe that we really are a separate “me,” we feel a deep terror for God’s anger and revenge. This is the ego’s god – and as separate, we do believe we are egos.

And this is one of the hardest things to learn to accept in the Course: everything that happens to us, we ask for – we even want. The ego – which we now identify with – wants torture and abuse: it proves that it IS a separate entity, and that it in fact has robbed God of His power.

“Holy Son of God, choose again” says the Course. “Remember Who you are: you had a silly thought – a tiny mad idea – that separation could be possible. It is but a dream, and you can choose instead to be Who you are: Spirit,healed and whole and innocent.

And so – the only thing we really forgive, are our own deluded perceptions and thoughts.

When the paranoia has entered this month, I have chosen to know I am wrong in my insane perceptions. I have to be, since God did not create them. And each time, Phil has shown that my fantasies are just that – and old bundle of fear-thoughts in the mind. Still there are energies connected to the paranoia that I habitually identify as “mine” – I still think I am this body, where the sensations are – but standing still and letting the stories go, rooted in the light/Self is my trusted way of awakening.

The tipping point

This morning, the moment there is a belief in the old story of being attacked, the tremendous pain starts in the heart. I am aware that this moment I do not even ask for help – there is no God available where I seem to be.

And all the same, the tipping point may have been reached. The miracle comes: gentle thoughts from Love are noticed, in the middle of crazythoughts. I recognize that even though the effects/symptoms are overwhelming, there is also a willingness to deny the reality of these projections of guilt from the mind. The Voice had been able to be heard because the willingness to see past the symptoms to Love was present.

I talked to a policeman Friday about coming here today, and was told to call back this morning and set up time. I realized that doing that started a whole avalanche of  expectations and speculations of what they MIGHT discover – and  I saw that this influence was not healing  for me: it created more paranoia, and they could find evidence that confirmed that.

It was seen that what I needed to strengthen, was the trust and support in Love inside my mind, and not looking for and finding proofs  for insane attacks in the outside world.

The first insight this morning was that I did not have to call the police today. Then I was reminded of the heart of glass that manifested in the middle of the destruction: a beautiful symbol not to be missed. “That heart could not have been manifested if you did not trust Love to be Truth” said Blue. I truly see how everything happens through me and not to me.

I chose with Barb recently to notice that not calling the Police created peace inside. I realized that I already had chosen that. When the fear-thoughts this morning came and started to doubt my former decision –  that was when the attack was felt the most acutely.

This is an old pattern in the mind of humanity: to doubt one’s decision for peace. That doubt – given support and confidence – creates huge chaos in the mind: it gives a signal to deny truth and choose fear. No wonder this manifests so strongly in my body!

What happened this morning may be the consequence of me bringing all doubts to Him the last 3 days, and repeatedly denying fear as real. 1

The willingness to see Love instead of fear is now seen to have brought fruits.


Later in the morning, still in bed, an alarm-like sound is heard and takes me out of wonderful dreams. I hear myself ask ” what is this alarm thought in my mind?”

“If I don’t do take the “right” choice NOW I will never have another chance.” Meaning – I HAVE TO do the one right thing now ( like calling the police) or disaster will happen – and it will bring calamities on the whole world. And the pressure to HAVE TO  find “the (ego)right thing….impossible.

What a terrifying image of God that is beyond such a thought- and how it gives importance to the personal ego-me. I remember to forgive myself for  subconsciously using my father and zillion other people* to  threaten me  with this lie – “you must get this NOW.”

What a great way to block the gentle Voice of Truth.

1 Denying fear as real doe NOT mean that I deny that I feel it – I just deny the stories it tells.

*The Course teaches that it is the Son of God as Mind, outside time and space, who chooses each moment which teacher to listen to: Love – or ego.

The Work

Doing the Work is effective these days:

Judgment: “Having fear to alert me for lurking dangers are valuable.Otherwise, I can be tricked into horrible situations.”

Is this true? yes

Can you be absolutely sure it is true?


How does it feel to believe this thought?

I feel cold, contracted, victimized, small angry,scared.

Who would you be  without this thought?

Free, open, trusting, present, grounded, feeling safe and connected to God.


)I do not need fear to be safe. Without it, I would feel tuned into the right mind where I would naturally know what to do, how to react, when to step back – not in fear or reaction, but out of a knowing that some situations call for alertness – but this alertness would not be out of paranoia and fear, but from being awake. I would naturally be drawn to situations to join, not separate.

2)I would see clearly what was most beneficial for all parts to do.

3) Doing anything from fear brings me into wrong mind with all its consequences.


Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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