Christ Consciousness

Last webcast on lesson 11 of Way of Knowing with Sarita Premley. The guided meditation was very helpful  – I always am more present when I listen to them alone in bed afterwards – I get distracted by all the energy info coming in from the images/persons on the screen

So when Sarita asked, “What do you really want to KNOW this life “– there was direct transmission via images and impressions. First there was the idea of being of service – but what truly came up as something I really have WANTED, was this:

I want to KNOW myself as a sovereign soul/Christ/Self, and BE/radiate this state of Presence to others.

In my book When Fear Comes Home to Love where we explore certain fear-archetypes-traps and how to relate to them, there is an archetype I have called Bird – after the big painting I was “given” to “download” as a painter, where all the archetypes are present as figures. The main one that I and all my patients through 30 years have had and been driven by, is what we may call “The helper/therapist-archetype” the one that derives her/his worth by this work – to her/his own detriment.

I have worked diligently with its energy for years – and yesterday, after our webcast, I noticed that my whole house was filled to the brim by my neighbors’ energy ( those from Kosovo that I have talked about earlier.) It even SMELLED from them – a quite different smell than the familiar one.)

So now I was planted in the middle of the old pattern: I am one who always pick up others unconsciousness that they have split off, and hold it for them.

I did that for 30 years as therapist without finding out what to do about it and  almost always felt sick after sessions. “Giving it back” afterwards never really worked. Yesterday I saw the  seed -belief  – I NEED to do this as a survival mode – taking the others crazy-energy inside as a way of control it.– I truly believed it would save me from being attacked again, since I now had it inside already – but as Abraham reminds us, then I just hold a frequency that attracts more of the same.

So I saw the original choice and owned it, no problem – and affirmed that I WANTED this absolute KNOWING that I was this POWERFUL Christ Presence, WANTED to KNOW myself as That, FEEL myself as that.

And I came into this body in quite a new way – very anchored. It has lasted the whole day (included a visit to the Dental Hygienists who does rather painful work.)

I saw at night how the old identity was geared  to “help” only by taking over others garbage – and that it helped me feel very good and helpful and powerful ( but also VERY angry and filled with revenge-thoughts.) I know that believed I had no choice in this – and yesterday I was clear that I had: I could choose instead just KNOWING that my True Presence  is enough – TRULY! And being anchored in it will give me the necessary info about how to intervene or NOT.

I sat with that knowing for a very long time, confirming my choice again and again – THIS is what I desire. And what helped me was the KNOWING and bodily feeling that this IS my true identity.

From intellect into body-awareness – what a journey

It feels so very  good

Thank you Sarita and group – thank you thank you












Good Mother

Today, a young refugee entered the bus and sat down beside me. The bus was almost empty. He looked like from Iraq. I was reading an English book, and he spoke in Arabic and pointed to it. His fingernails were bitten almost right down. Something in me instantly felt like The Good Mother. The man bent over close to me to look at each page I read, as if reading with me. Instead of being annoyed, I noticed that I almost offered him a place on my lap. There was such a loving Motherly space around us. When he left, he bowed to me. It felt like something huge and transformative had happened.

Later in the day I broke through an age old fear pattern  – I am so happy happy happy about it!

There is a pattern in me designed to scare me away from “going out there”, asking for what I want, and also being honest about feelings and things I do not like. An old outmoded way of “protecting me from being attacked.” It has prevented me many times for speaking up and being adult.There were about 2,5 zillion stories to substantiate the habit – and little Leelah believed in them all.

So we have had a team of roofers rehabilitating our rows of roofs. Excellent job – they were helpful, skillful, kind and willing. My little roof on a storeroom needed a new drain – and they managed to put it on a place where it did not collect the water.

I wrote a mail to the boss about it, and he has not answered it – which fires up this disaster part in me – it tells stories about how he doesn’t give a shit, will be rude, will be much more than rude, will in fact seek me up and stalk me until my last day.

You know, I am able to see the soooo over the board-scenario here – and still, each time I have thought about him, wanting to call him, the instant fear shock in the body – the old “don’t do this” overwhelms my nervous system, I lose my words and space out, my doctor calls it “near-psychotic.”  But Blue was making it quite clear that this situation was a gift, in the respect that I just needed to do what I abhor to do – tell people what may seem like criticizing them. It physically hurt like hell.

Blue said: do it anyway.

“I will lose my words!”

Oh, write what you want to say then -that will give you a feeling of some safety.

I called, and read a couple of sentences – no blame, just so – and he answered with the kindest voice that this was on his list, they would be there soon, and that it would me cost me anything.

All of my stories feel like an enormous domino chain.

The energetic release from this has been no less than enormous.

I think I was a good mother to myself there

The old poisonous story

This night, I saw through the pattern of being “unjustly treated,” “disrespected.”

I saw how I have projected this pattern  –  this part of “my story” – on clients and others (included rapists and insane people from childhood): No – Leelah has not done that – egomind has, in order to secure its status as separate, special, master of its own destiny. It’s not that I attract them – its that I immediately project this story on them and myself, in order to keep my separated self intact. The story is of such magnetic/vibrational magnitude because it is the main story of the world: the innocent victim and the guilty violator.

The projector is me: what a relief to see  that I am “dreaming” this whole story up and making it real, believing in its very realistic appearances and pains.

It is not real: God has never thought these thoughts. It has never happened in reality – in Heaven.

How can I not be respected? I am a reflection of God’s perfection, created in his Image.

I forgive myself for dreaming this impossible dream and for taking the innocent role-part.

I am done fighting Love in this way – how beautiful to just relax into the knowing that I am innocent, and so are the role-players of perpetrators. The degree of perversion and “evil” means nothing: the original pain and fear in the mind came from the Son of God’s belief that the Tiny Mad Idea was real.

I forgive myself for making you act out, so that I can keep my story of “me.”Keep the specialness going.

Holy Spirit, thank you for showing me the complete insanity of the egomind. I don’t want to do it any more.


Shifting Gears

Perfect timing, perfect teacher: Rikka Zimmerman. Free download on her website: Three keys to loving you. ½ hour mp3 talk, or streaming. When I substitute her terms “Universe” with “Holy Spirit”, and “You” with “Christ/true Self, “everything she says works for A Course student too – and I can’t describe how freeing it feels to hear a new terminology! Most Course students have a hard time with the metaphysics, and because of that there are lots of possibilities for using the Course to bypass pain and “understand”  it to destruction of its message: we are infinite and eternal loving beings, and what we believe becomes our experience.To wake up, we need to be willing to change our perception  – be willing to be wrong that it is correct.

Here is how Rikka’s three steps went for me this morning:

1) Have a loving moment.

Memory: My daughter and I sit next to each other on a bench in front of a large painting in an empty Gallery. We talk about the painting and art in general – we are both artists – and there is a perfect resonance between us. A big loving space opens, the joy of being able to share freely, even wordlessly, our common love of the creative process.

I allow this field of Love to expand now

2)Feel yourself expanding all beyond the Universe.

I feel the freedom and Love that is in this Space, where boundaries between bodies are non-existent. Asking questions like “What does the ocean/ the mountain/ the grass (your cat:)) know about its love for me?”


Allowing this Love to permeate me

Then, being asked to be aware how there are stuck and painful places in the body which cannot/will not accept Love  – allowing them to just be – staying lovingly with them until they unlock or melt.That may take time.

Being told that when the defense-voices tell us to give it up, this is a sign that you will never succeed in this, your pain is SO special and horrible just notice instead what is already changing in the body.

For me this morning, this put a stop to the most nerve-racking pattern in my mind ( see red sentence) – and I started to notice the places of changes in body and deliberately – by choice – placed my attention there.

With this decision, all the judgments of this horrible old me fell away: the red was crystal clear seen as a false thought.

3) Stop hitting yourself on the head with the sandbox shovel

Rikka tells us that the universe is a sandbox with lots of tools – and when we see other children hitting themselves over the head with “I am so stupid” we learn to do it too. Some of the children accept it, and others hit other children on the head instead – and she asks us to notice when we participate in this child game and see a stop sign – and in that moment instead choosing the free flow of expansion/Love.

We might in our life witness other people hitting themselves and others over the head – and we simply can put down our own shovel and  choose to put our focus on beauty/love instead.

Being with

Woke up from a recurrent dream of having to control my daughter, or else – catastrophe. I explored it with Kit in our Skype session today – and very fast we recognized – again – that all that is required for healing – and peace – is just sitting with the sensations in the body. The ego goes frantic, tells me I have to figure out and understand –  but the impulse from inside is. just be with it.

As I share the dream with Kit, i sense the familiar sense of urge,frenzy, “don’t interrupt me i have to speak now or else” – and suddenly I am not willing to have it drive me any longer. I stop and breathe and allow myself to receive Kit’s loving small remarks – and it feels as if I have broken an ago-old pattern of trusting the collective demand: only if you understand something can healing happen. Only by “figuring out”  – that is, using the intellect …

Now i just rest in the awareness of what goes on in the body while this pressure-slavedriver is running the body mind: calmly observing pains and aches all over. Anti-achievment.  Most humans I know think we have to “dull” reality, or we get lost in chaos and pain

It is so very clear that “having to understand” really means “control.”And of course we can’t control life – but this impossible demand that we should be able to, creates nightmares like i have, where i project what I think needs to be controlled on my daughter.

There is this collective delusion: I have to do something – add something to a conversation, a relationship – there is a deadly fear beneath it: a fear of life as it is – a dulling of it – to put something on top of reality is to dull it, cover it up, making it manageable in our mind

The ego wants to achieve something – add something to what is

What happens now – in the body? is what I want to be with. And as my 20 minutes goes to an end, I know that an old pattern of control has been seen through and found useless.

“And you had that insight just by sitting with it” said Kit.

Trust – to life – without adding any thing. Projections gone – at least for now:)


Later in the session, a pattern of searching out guilt becomes evident. And the old judgment of doing that – such an un-spiritual thing to do, Leelah! – melts when it becomes evident that children are taught to do that to feel safe with angry parents/others: an “I am sorry, my fault” defuses the anger from the possible attacker.

Getting stuck in the pattern comes with a huge cost, though – and we do get stuck if we haven’t felt and allowed the huge fear beneath it: to be annihilated.


As always: nice synchronicity and timing: I got this from Gangaji right now:

In recognizing yourself as life itself, you are put rightside up. You freshly live your life, rather than thinking it and then trying to live according to those thoughts. You directly experience your life, and insights naturally follow that experience. The thinking mind becomes the servant—rather than the master—to the direct experience of life.

A fulfilled life is a life of discovery and exploration. It may be touched with excitement or fear or desire, but at the core it is filled with peace, and delight.

We meet in wonder of this mystery that we have named “Life.”

It’s a free life… it’s your life.


time dissolving

Time is certainly showing to be fluent. I went to bed about 12pm yesterday and woke up 2 am – and was convinced I had slept for 5-6 hours!The sleep-pattern is changing lately. There was also a lovely dream in the well-known pattern of me going to a retreat/hotel something, and this time my luggage were to be brought to me  by my parents – but it -they-never arrived:)

It seems I must have left my luggage where it belongs: the parent-area, where the emotional imprints are charged this lifetime –

Right now I am just sitting and saying thank you

thank you

thank you

and only when I say thank you do I truly know that I have received the gift

Transformed reptilian

from reptile to love

transformed reptile in mirror

This is a new little shaman. I have made it for Chris, who helped me see through the false self with such patience and care.

The shamans just come: I sit down with the clay and the intention to bring into being a little shaman with healing properties. This one looks reptilian, and judgment quickly popped up: “reps are bad.” But I have learned to trust what comes.

The clay started to crack as I started to work. I wanted to remove the cracks, but heard a smiling “not.” Thought of Leonard Cohen’s “Anthem:”

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

This shaman had a clear pattern on his back – I “saw” the colors: blue/green/orange – colors of duality/polarity. It looked like a costly snake-skin. The “shells” are going to be lined in gold, when I have bought new paint. And his body is pearly shiny white.

As I looked at him, my eyes moistened over. I saw that this one had transcended the reptilian astral form – had gone through cycles of incarnation, being steeped in violence and abuse,and now knew  and taught what was real: Love.

He is such a blessing.


The crash: a wake-up call

With my latest client, I sense myself being sucked into a mental vortex of ego: she wants so much to know what to DO in a situation ( she’s in love:-)

I know inside where we have reached a plateau – if I don’t tell her to stop and breathe at this place, something in me lies down and surrenders all her power to the client, just now being reduced to the nice and helpful and wise therapist-role. This is the pattern of surrender my inner child had: since there were no words acceptable to stop the crazy men, the pattern became to overcome it, to help the craziness by giving it what it wanted.

I see the pattern. I am not that: I am that which is aware of it.

But yesterday, I crashed. Hard. After the session, I went to the mall. I bought food and a bottle of wine. At the cashier, it dropped out of my hand and fell on my left big toe. I thought it was crushed.

When I looked at the toe at home, it was swollen and blue – and lots of blood had gathered at the place where the toe is attached to the sole of the foot. This place on the toe connects energy-wise to the neck-area: energy doesn’t flow freely there either.

So at home, I sat with the swollen toe in a bowl of cool water. I suddenly KNEW I HAD TO GET COMFORT and arose, walking to the phone. The foot was wet and slid on the floor – and I crashed with strong force into a chair. The chair hit me in the spleen/ribs – exactly the same place where I broke some ribs before.

I called my almost-daughter: my niece, who is also a physician and a psychiatrist. It brought down some terror, but I could hardly breathe, and the night was very awkward and sleepless.

Then – around  4 am I was certain that my spleen had ruptured. I packed a bag for the hospital, sat down and read the Course, finally found a way to just look at the stuff as it presented itself in the moment and allow it to be like it was. I also found Stephen Levine’s wondrous book “Healing into life and death”

The kindness in Stephen’s soul was calling on my own. I found a way to just be with it with mercy, and gave it to the Holy Spirit, being willing to be wrong about every one of the reasons I found for my pain. I went back to bed, and the pain seemed to have eased about 50%. I fell asleep for a couple of hours – and when I woke up, the ruptured-sense of the spleen seemed to have healed.

I saw that I had to mail my client and be open about what she could expect from me, and what not. I am there not to be a wise adviser, but to help people let go of the perceived blocks to their Self.

(The Levines have a wonderful website with old and new videos uploaded. Ram Dass is present on one of them. It costs  ridiculous10 dollars a month to subscribe, and you have all the videos for free.

A little forgiveness-chat with Blue

Lesson 134:Let me perceive forgiveness as it is. That is the lesson for today.

. W-pI.134.15.” Then choose one brother as He will direct, …” He directed me as the brother today 🙂 My pattern is to always blame me first, and “understand” the other. – Now, would I condemn my self for this self-flagellation? would  I be willing to include myself in the ones I see whose sins are calls for love?

I have the three last days been filled to the brim with fear of attack – two night dreamt about demons, this last night it was the devil himself who held a party at my neighbor’s. His eyes had 4 pupils, and they did not look nice.

I tell Blue about this heap of guilt that I believe I am – and he answers:

Blue: so why would you see yourself as guilty when I know that you are not?

Me: the only answer that comes to me is this: if I find myself guilty, and I find proof of that (which I am very good at) – then it must mean that I have conquered God! And if I am right – then love must be wrong! But why in the +!!!*+ world would I try to prove that I am right in this hell?

Blue: you have made God into a devil that is coming to get you. Last night he even was in the room next to you, having a big party there. You instructed your daughter to not believe in the power he seemed to have, and for her to tell him, “You are Spirit, healed and whole and innocent – all is forgiven and released. You realized that that devil-form was a disguise – and that one can bless it with “you are Spirit” since That is all There Is – or just smile kindly. And Ninotchka -(smiling) this image is the image you have made of God. Now you need to tell God this too – that you have forgiven him.

Me: Me – forgive God? He has done nothing wrong

Blue: There is a part of you who has believed for a tiny moment that the Tiny Mad Idea was real – and she is experiencing the consequences of that belief. And for that timeless second that never happened in reality, you believed it was possible to separate – and that it was wise to do so. Therefore you house this belief that you have taken something from God – and he is out to get you. This is how the ego sees separation. But God never missed you for one second: you never left his Love. – Now you can look at the devil in the room next to you and see what a great disguise you have given him, realizing “no wonder I thought I needed to fly from Love when I have given it this disguise. But evil is impossible – so I am wrong when I see you so.”

And I also realize that every person throughout incarnations who seem to have abused me,  dominated me, raped me,controlled me,mutilated me, let loose their insanity at me – did so because of my need and hunger to be punished to atone for my horrendous sins against God.

So why do I still feel so horribly guilt, Blue, when all this is clear to me, and I want to stop this game?

Blue: Do you really feel horrible right now? . . . or could it be that you still are attaching to the stories where the “you” really feel horrible – because you think you experienced them?

me: Yes! But – why would I want to hold on to those stories?…ahh! I hold on to the stories because I think I shouldn’t hold on to them – and that is the same as attaching to them, calling them mine! And what I/we call mine, is being protected and held dear – now I have given them meaning. Judging the stories IS holding on to them.

Blue(laughing) and you have been fixing your stories and therapeutizing them and understanding them through ages and ages – and you are still here, seeing “them” and “me.” Maye you could be wrong in your understanding? …much laughter…if you had read these stories in  books  – that would feel different from feeling that it had happened to you, right?

me: Completely. No agony or desperation – or, I could feel the agony and desperation in the other characters, as in movies – but would not resist the feelings at all. On the contrary: I would feel grateful for the opportunity to truly feel – but not take it seriously at all.

Blue (laughing) but Nina is nothing else that a made up person, my love. You are the author and the illustrator and  the persons. And the landscapes, clouds and monsters –

Me: and the stones. I love stones.

Blue: you are just as much a stone as a person. And when we turn off the projector, or close the pages, you see that you were the author and the dreamer and the watcher – and that nothing has happened in reality at all: just shadows at a screen.

Me: Please strengthen this realization in me.  This exaggerated abuse I constantly hear from within, and which my body senses as a threat and tenses against, is nothing else than another story I made to convince myself that the separation happened. I am starting fully to realize how intolerable that fear must be: this inner abuse is completely relentless.I condemn myself for everything. All the attacks I ever have seemed to experience, is by me on me. I hate it.

I am willing to be wrong about this – but I still think that I am this ego. I feel so convinced that I am evil! And I am a coward too.

Blue: And as long as you are aware of that, you are watching the ego and starting to remember that you can choose.

Me: I think I am dependent on someone external to me to tell me that I am innocent – for me to believe it.

Blue: and would you accept me telling you that you are innocent?

Me:…No. (Laughing) I really see that I think I made you up – and therefore CANNOT trust anything you say! …Oh I am so willing to be wrong that I am an ego.


This is so beautiful:  W-pI.134.12. He does not have to fight to save himself. 2 He does not have to kill the dragons which he thought pursued him. 3 Nor need he erect the heavy walls of stone and iron doors he thought would make him safe. 4 He can remove the ponderous and useless armor made to chain his mind to fear and misery. 5 His step is light, and as he lifts his foot to stride ahead a star is left behind, to point the way to those who follow him.

I want to leave this star. In fact, It is already done.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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