Miracle

The last day the fear returned with a vengeance. I prayed deeply to be free of the sticky attachment to all of it – and suddenly, it was gone.

The fear energy still is here – but it now feels like a dummy- love bursts through. It does not matter anymore. From this state of mind there is only rest.

My young friend Leni Dubel just wrote on Facebook that illnesses are beings – messengers – they come to heal. Many cancer patients know this deeply after a while – by going through it, there are shining insights. My strongest experience as a breast cancer patient 15 years ago was that I learned that my choice is everything:

I was under the radiation machine, it was the 12th day and the nipple was badly bruised – it seemed that it was rotting and drying up. I heard myself exclaim: Archangel Michael, I want your rays to go through this machine instead of the x-rays.

In that very moment, there was a great Light and I knew without doubt that my prayer had been fulfilled.

From that moment, the effects of the machine-radiation reversed, and the breast returned to it original healed state of being. I also knew that there were no more signs of cancer.

What if I got that cancer to get to that moment – KNOWING that Spirit heals all if I CHOOSE it?

It seems to me that Cancer made it possible for me to get to that moment where I took that chance to ask for help from Spirit, being willing to suspend any beliefs that the body’s illnesses and pain were more powerful that Spirit. It was a huge leap of faith for me, and it was instantly answered.

The strangest and most wonderful surprise for me is that I still feel that fear-energy strongly – but it really has nothing to do with me. I can  hold it, or just let it be, and I c an bless anybody in this fear and agony in their ability to choose love instead.

This is said with the utmost tenderness for all who says ” but I DO choose Love, and nothing happens.”

This was my experience for many years – and it brought me to explore all those parts of me who were selfhating and bitter and filled with vengeance. Carrie Triffet showed me in her last book “The Frickin Map is Upside Down” how important it is to LOVE them just as they are – no fixing – loving them WITH their hatred, with deep patience and compassion – loving them as they are. And as A Course in Miracles says – ” we cannot heal what we still have not accepted and loved.”

I don’t love the hatred. I love the part who hates.

*******

In the right menu you will find my three books. In these days, my book ” Healing Crisis – 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” can give you creative playful means to deal with the fear and transform your regulations to it. Like this one:

54) YOUR ANCHOR

What served as an anchor for you when you were a child? What did you ”come home to” – inside yourself or outside? Maybe a favorite day-dream – do you remember the theme? Pets? Music? Nature? Reading? Walking? Making art?  Knitting? Wood-work?

Contemplating this anchor –why was it an anchor?  WHAT is it that was – and is – such a nourishment and comfort for you?

How could you use this anchor now, during the crisis?

(Source of inspiration:

Serge Kahili King, PH.D. http://www.huna.net/

and this:

108 GROUNDING / OVERWHELM[1]

Walk around in the room: point at objects and name them out loud. Do it until you start feeling that you are inside yourself. Then do a variation: point at a thing and name it something else: point at pillow and name it cheese, point at a TV and name it flower, point at the table and name it circus…the dog comes in, and you name her sunshine. Do this for at least ten minutes, and then sit down and see if you can remember some of the new names you invented.

The exercise has a wonderful ability to ground us, shove us out of rigid control-modes and let us laugh – and then, additionally, allow the subconscious to show us what it plays with. Right now.

When we are in a crisis, we are also stuck in a rigidly controlled space. When we are stuck inside it, everything we do or think is perceived through a veil of mistaken identity: I AM that which suffers. To break through this false identity gives you a new footing: suddenly you can see yourself AND the crisis – but you are no longer caught in it. Exercises like this one push you out in free air: yes, there is a crisis in your life right now – but there is also play and creativity.

And you might also enjoy re-naming your crisis, too – ! Instead of” crisis,” you might try out “popcorn.”

“I am in a deep popcorn right now.”

Did you giggle just a little?

 

[1]  Source of inspiration for this exercise: Keith Johnstone: Improvisation and the Theatre
©1979, Methuen Publishing, London

http://www.keithjohnstone.com/main.aspx?id=73

 

 

 

Outside Inside

On the wall outside my window

Is a shimmer of turquoise and yellow

Where does it come from?

I follow the diagonal shape of the light on the outer brown wall

And discover the same shape, but opposite direction

on my inner wall

a  clear reflection

I have to look through the glass in

The window to see it

A lense  a sheet

What is inside is reflected on the outside

There

Here.

Outside  spiderweb-thin leaves

Dance on the clear blue white snow

And I sense this blue cold inside

Being infinitely light caressed by

The dancing steps from last year’s

Waterfall of shedding reds and yellows,

And wispy light pale blue browns

Like the skin on my hands

Dust to dust

Earth to earth

Sun in my heart

And the wind blows right through me

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Good and Evil

I am currently reading Diederik Wolsaks book “Choose again – six steps to freedom” 

It is helping me to follow irritation and feelings back to its source, and at that point just notice what I made the pain/abuse mean about myself.

I found that I thought I must have been an all through mean and evil person, having all that happen to me – for surely it had to be a punishment, right?

Wrong.

Diederik shares a 6 step process that helps me see the innocence in a little child’s perception – and how that darn belief attracts experiences in my life that is evidence that the belief is true! Vicious circle and more and more experiences that all confirm the original innocent and false belief.

So we are given a simple forgiveness-process that resonates with my Course in Miracles – teachings – and it si so exciting! Since now, there i now more pointing fingers out there – blaming others – and i will not start to give you the reasons for this, just go to the link and start browsing 🙂

What is so utterly fabulous in that when dark stuff comes up at night, and I want to find what the reason in – the very default – I just open my own book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” and my finger lands on the perfect place where I have already described it before. What is the root of this feeling right now? My finger pointed at a paragraph where I experienced myself as evil. And so it is simple – I set an intention to follow it to the very source, and found out what this little child believed that it means about her.

 

Everything I need comes to me at the perfect timing ♥ Simply because I am committed to find the truth and intend that it is so

 

And so it is 🙂

The Know-it-all

Or, should we call him/her the Besserwisser, the Lecturer.

Yesterday I had a serious case of being besserwissed.(Ha, the word-corrector suggested blessed!:)) And it sure has turned out to be a blessing.

I asked a question to a teacher, and for over ten minutes he lectured and besserwissed and droned on, with great power and conviction. I felt: invisible – dropped – powerless- crushed –  intimidated – a stupid klutz. And angry.

I  subconsciously called that response out of him, so to at last see the pattern and heal it.

So this morning I went into the Observer mode of  the Spontaneous Transformation Technique: *** see below

Neutral, emphatic,patient, no agenda – just wanting to BE with this part that was lectured to. I told it I saw it ( it sat in my solar plexus): I am here. I am not going anywhere.I am in support of you.

There was a substantial relaxing response, showing me that this “part” had made the connection. It was no longer isolated and separated. And there is the first shift: awareness comes into this old pattern of victimhood: the one with no power, no voice.

So what was the advantage of that position? was my question – (I know that I can’t let go of anything that I think I am the victim of -) why did I need others to lecture me?

Simple. So that I could be the nonthreatening powerless one. The one who was not noticed, had no responsibility. The one who did not provoke status quo, the belief system/religion on the rulers – and who therefore was reasonable safe from being accused and burned at the stake or tortured by one of the zillion inventive was man has concocted.

I truly saw that this was  a CHOICE I had made: to shut down my true authentic voice and will. I have made that choice WITH the power that God has given us all – the one we have, being created in His/Her Image. So that choice to be powerless is mighty powerful!

So I had made my Universe, as Jennifer McLean teaches: we all made it from 1)the beliefs we made when small when we were hurt and traumatized – in my case: ” Life is dangerous if you talk back,if you say no. You are here to make others feel better.You do not count at all as YOU – you are a “wrong copy.”

And then life works like this: 2) we make our coping mechanisms to survive – based on these beliefs – and voila, this is our Universe now: I think/believe that I will not be respected – this is a “Universal Law” for me now, based on my beliefs based on my early experiences. And I will perceive the world THROUGH the filters that I put up – and people who enters my Universe will have no choice, they will turn up to disrespect me – until I  can forgive myself for these creations, and deeply honor and love the aspect of me who started this Universe.

When I encouraged that aspect of me to feel it all, there was tremendous fear from all the times this soul experienced torture – and most of all, all the times it spoke up and loved ones suffered the consequences of that. It’s all there, in the One Mind we all share – and what we all heal, seemingly on our own, we make available for us all to tap into and share.

These times, huge waves of awakening sweep over the planet – what was before tucked under, now comes up to confront us – (a reluctant thank you, Mr Trump!) – We can only heal what we allow ourselves to see, to forgive, to release. And my deep experience is that when I allow these old defense and protection-mechanisms to come up – to be seen, and HONORED for their way of protecting us from harm – then  my Universe mirrors THIS new view of me/my life/ back to me.

*** The Spontaneous Transformation Technique is a unique, therapeutic system of healing. You can read more under “Services.”

This is a healing way to deal with the energy that get trapped in our stories and traumas, and help it to unravel and transform, when it at last is looked at with love. This opens a space of great healing and allowing of what is – and from this space you can play and explore how you want your future to look – free from the old patterns.

1.session is free!

Crying out for Love

Yesterday a woman in my Way of the Heart-group shared that she used this sentence, suggested by Matt Kahn, when she was stuck:

“Thank you for helping me. Whenever you find the mind bracing against, irritated or troubled by a thought, person, circumstance, you remember to say ‘Thank you for helping me”

Because, indeed, it is all helping you. It’s the phenomenal display of what you haven’t found peace with yet.Thank you for helping me.Notice how in one holy instant, the resistance of mind drops away and the heart moves to connect and join with the grievance, a movement of gratitude, of appreciation, of true seeing. The whole experience softens and you no longer feel separate and in defiance of what is appearing. It’s a movement of consciousness, of heart – towards – rather than away from.”

It went marvelous for along while, and then in the night it just stopped. I asked for help. This “part of me” said, “MUCH better to end this life now. This will just get worse and worse. You know there is a voice in you that is stronger than Love and God.It will win.Just give it up!”

It listened to this for quite a while.

Then there was this clear, calm and truthful simple Voice who said: And exactly this is crying out to be loved by you.

There was an instant release – and it was instantly possible to say thank you to that doomsayer- voice: It showed me what I still haven’t included in Love, where love is still conditional.

The relief I felt was great: now I saw that this voice was NOT stronger than Love – and that I was NOT a victim of it. The love for it poured forth as a started to talk to it – “of COURSE you felt you needed to be right, no WONDER you have been fighting. You truly believe that your “reality” is real. You truly believe those stories that you are worthless and can not have love, ever. You truly are afraid of love, that it will betray you and trick you, much better to adapt to hell.”

The crazy body sensations tapered off as “it” knew it was not judged – and still, there was a fear of surrendering to Love and then hear a horrible laughter, “and you believed in that, moron? how stupid can you be!”

I can still sense the imprint after that shock in the mind.

“Of COURSE you don’t believe in Love then” I said, and it relaxed again.

And now the next stage:  I entered that resistance, and immediately hard the calm true Voice again: Remember – this is not being done TO you, but THROUGH you. The decision to explore this comes from Spirit – and the holy power given you by God is then twisted, hidden, denied and punished and made into this fearful identity, who truly believes in the thought of separation – that you and I are not One. – There is a thought – “It is unsafe to be Loved.” and you and only you charges  that thought  by choosing to believe in it. And by your consent this separate fear-driven “me” is being born – and is living out its hells, all deriving from that belief that it is unsafe to be Loved.

I SEE THIS NOW

 

No wonder this “me” feels safer in a place where suffering is predictable: at least it will not be tricked and shocked

I have made this. What a perfect strategy for keeping the ego going

This is a turnaround. There is no doubt any longer now that I DO choose – as Jeshua prompts us in Way of Mastery – to open to incarnate the Christ Consciousness through the body – to practicing desiring that. And of course that brings up everything I before have held as “me” and “valuable” to upheld that me.

When i read that yesterday, about being open to incarnate the Christ consciousness, I felt a great resistance. And so I met the resistance in the night and listened to it and felt love for it – and now I am willing.

As soon as I state my willingness to embody the Christ, I sense the resistance in solar plexus.  “Thank you for helping me see the place that still needs to be allow and included in Love.”

It is still there, as imprints – but no longer as sign of danger, signs of my “doing it all wrong.” Now its just energy that wants to be included. And the wonder is always that when i am truly willing, the unpleasantness transforms into bliss

*

I read the above into my little recorder and fell asleep. I dreamed that little girl about 4 years old came to me where I live now, and told me she just met a bunch of very drunk men in a wood. “One of them talked to me” she said, and I heard myself saying, “And he has SO  much respect for you!” “YES!” she says, knowing this is true – and so very pleased with this

Writing this now, I remember the group-rape in a wood when I was four

And I happily look at the dream and notice the different perception ♥

 

 

 

De oerknal

“De Oerknal” – or, “The Big Bang” is painted by one of the big Flemish painters Derk van Durt. It was a breakthrough and pointed to a new era and a new way of perceiving for the Dutch painters. Wildly eruptive as it is, the painter shares his agony of separation – the darkness and chaos of it – and still, in the center floats our precious Earth – still colorless, uninhabited – before the mighty seas and all the rest came into being

DSC_0330

NOT 🙂

This is in fact a drawer in my drying cabinet – which I suddenly got the urge to draw out today –

and then I wished i didn’t

until I saw the beauty in it

Now you see the drawer, and notice how quick the energy shifts from “great painting from famous artist”

to DIRT

DSC_0329

So I would like to show you the same shelf again, now with just a little bit of warm water, nothing else ( I was prepared to truly scrub here)

DSC_0331still wonderful I think

Nothing we see means anything – but the meaning we give it

“The Little Girl”-program in the mind

This morning I prayed for help to join with the part of me who is responsible for these almost constant states of inner disaster and turmoil in the morning, and I was shown a severely dissociated part – a conglomerate of disaster parts, melted into one, from baby and up to 6-7 years old. I saw her – as in a room/space-bubble for herself in the astral level- and she was permanently looking at /being shown/ horrible images of abuse, murder, torture, what have you.

I was also helped to understand that I/my soul was her “power” – it was like she had relocated herself to another level, into a bubble where she could be “safe” – so she did not have to be fully present in the acts she was forced to participate in and subject others to. “She” relocated – and her emotional and mental state of mind – the “disaster-one” – followed her to this “bubble” in the mind, and my soul, and my identification with her, powered her as my creation – made it “real”, as the Course calls it. The physical acts surely happened to her – but she added to those her own thoughts and beliefs about herself, and why this happened to HER – like,” I must be really wicked and sinful since I experience this, I have no worth, I deserve to be punished constantly not to be hit by God’s rage.”

And constantly telling herself these lies – and me unconsciously believing in them – made them real for her – and cemented her “sinful” sluttish identity.

And “she” will perpetuate this creation of mine in a split-off state of mind, as long as I have not firmly dissolved my beliefs that is running the creation

I asked for help, and was reminded of my Michael-Sword of Truth. I directed it at the essence of the darkness with the intention of returning it to the One – a lot was released and resolved

This is the metaphysics of it:by believing in the dark images, the images become real – this is how humanity has created the world. In “The Jeshua Letters,” Jeshua describes “the world” like this:

“…the vast array of perceptions you have learned about yourself. It is a web of illusion that you, as soul, freely choose to be immersed within. The web is like a vortex, a field of energy… The world means nothing. This is the salvation of the world: That is does not, nor has it ever, existed.”

Like “The world,” the split-off girl does not exist in reality – she is a conglomerate of my own beliefs and fears, powered by my denial and resistance to them – which creates a strong identification with them.

What I am reminded of now, while I am with her, loving her, is that images are nothing else than images – and ONLY humans’ belief in their appearance makes them seemingly real.

I am shown that my perception still primarily is driven by this split – off – girl -and I see the perception like two pieces of twisted frozen dirty-green ice in front of my eyes, warping images of love into sickening brutality and perversion.

I pray deeply for help to clear my perception, and is told the importance of being the Self in Presence with her, just witnessing her feelings and saying them back to her. In this way, she will experience LOVE as well as her fears

This day I was more tired than I have ever been – until I was prompted to sit down and write it down and sharing it with you. In that second, the tiredness lifted.

The power to (mis)create

There was a clear shift in my sleeping-pattern for some days – and then I took a glass of red wine for dinner, and bam I was back in doom and gloom. Much of that doom came from my own judgment of taking that glass – oh I shouldn’t have – yes I should, since I have had a great opportunity to watch my mind going into paroxysms of guilt and selfblame, and have truly experienced how scared the me-mind is  to lose its identity. I saw clearly the split parts: the nice and clever girl practicing the Course, and the hating suffering part still feeling exiled. After this I had a dream about having received 2 pretty Salmons for dinner – and they were not still dead, so I had to cut the their throat. I did, reluctantly – hating the killing part – and woke up, feeling that it was my throat that was cut. What a huge shock that was, and the pain – indescribable.

Was it the suffering-me-identity that was killed?

When the doomandgloom woke me up this morning, I called for help as always, and as the alignment with Truth gradually happened, I was shown that I have used the unlimited power to create, given me by God, to seemingly create the seemingly opposite of God – to truly explore it in all its variety, and also deeply experience the consequences of it. What is clear to me right now is that there CAN*T BE ANY OPPOSITE TO GOD . Is there truly WAS a REAL opposite, LOVE could be disputed- God would’nt be God.

I have truly experienced the effect of that belief in countless incarnations, and the Universe – the screen for my projections – has faithfully played it out to me, so very convincingly. But it is seen clearly that an opposite to God is impossible –  it is only a ridiculous idea, that I offer up for correction.

When I have dressed for the day, I get an impulse to call my doctor for a check on my thyroxine-level – and I hear: when you call the doctors office and are answered at the first signal, you can be certain that you do this WITH Me.”

Ha. I have been a patient there for 15 years, and use to sit and wait to be connected to the nurse for about 1/2 hour each time. They have an endless answering-message in the start too.

I call.There is one short beep and the nurse answers me.

I am flabbergasted.I order an appointment, and she tells me the waiting list is long. I don’t accept that at all, tell her that I need to check my thyroxine, and get an appointment in 3 days

*

Here is some lines from the introduction to the Course:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

This is how A Course in Miracles begins. It makes a fundamental distinction between the real and the unreal; between knowledge and perception. Knowledge is truth, under one law, the law of love or God. Truth is unalterable, eternal and unambiguous. It can be unrecognized, but it cannot be changed. It applies to everything that God created, and only what He created is real. It is beyond learning because it is beyond time and process. It has no opposite; no beginning and no end. It merely is.

The world of perception, on the other hand, is the world of time, of change, of beginnings and endings. It is based on interpretation, not on facts. It is the world of birth and death, founded on the belief in scarcity, loss, separation and death. It is learned rather than given, selective in its perceptual emphasis, unstable in its functioning, and inaccurate in its interpretations.

From knowledge and perception respectively, two distinct thought systems arise which are opposite in every respect. In the realm of knowledge no thoughts exist apart from God, because God and His Creation share one Will. The world of perception, however, is made by the belief in opposites and separate wills, in perpetual conflict with each other and with God. What perception sees and hears appears to be real because it permits into awareness only what conforms to the wishes of the perceiver. This leads to a world of illusions, a world which needs constant defence precisely because it is not real.

When you have been caught in the world of perception you are caught in a dream. You cannot escape without help, because everything your senses show merely witnesses to the reality of the dream. God has provided the Answer, the only Way out, the true Helper. It is the function of His Voice, His Holy Spirit, to mediate between the two worlds. He can do this because, while on the one hand He knows the truth, on the other He also recognizes our illusions, but without believing in them. It is the Holy Spirit’s goal to help us escape from the dream world by teaching us how to reverse our thinking and unlearn our mistakes. Forgiveness is the Holy Spirit’s great learning aid in bringing this thought reversal about. However, the Course has its own definition of what forgiveness really is just as it defines the world in its own way.

 

 

Donkey on the street

I visited the Village’s Shopping center yesterday. It has been here for 39 years, when I moved here newly married.

There were lots of obstacles before the main entrance. I assumed they were digging a hole or sumthin and was aggravated that they did not put up clear signs. Didn’t they respect their customers or what? Justified pissed-off-ness popped up, and I bowed my back and crept under a thin line and was met by a man who just pointed “another way. Over there.”

“Over there” was a new entrance. The whole Mall is rebuild and expanded, and the main entrance was now closed.

What’s the point here? OH – the discovery – yet again – of how clear signs ( NEW ENTRANCE AROUND THE CORNER) were completely overlooked and dismissed by consciousness because I had walked the other way for almost 40 years.

I was blind for those signs. They were all over the place. But my habitual perception were just looking for what it always had seen and believed as “real.”

Which reminds me of a sweet story: one of our great authors once told about one day when he looked out his window on the street parallel to the main street in town – and saw a donkey tied to a bike on the street. Many people passed it, and nobody reacted.

Nobody expects to see a donkey in town. It is invisible for all the people who are not willing to have the validity of their perception questioned

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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