Hobby Horse ( Stick Horse)

Mine fell to the floor in the night!


I made this stick horse to my daughter 35 years ago. In Norway , we have the expression “to ride a stick horse” when you english-spoken people say “have a bee in the bonnet.” Once, when a dear friend rode her stick horse for the umptieth time, I found the actual stick horse and showed her and said please demount from that horse you are riding. Very rude I was, but it worked.

Afterwards, Blue told me I’d be needing this horse again to point to it next time Betty rode it – but she never did.

I needed it for me LOL

This night I did another LONG Core transformation process with a part in me that has been 1000% CERTAIN that the way she sees things IS THE TRUTH.

It was extremely unpleasant for a long time – she felt like admitting that if she “could” be wrong, it would mean all things of horrible things about her. One thing was that she would be insane – since she would swear on her life that she was right.

With lots of patience and will to proceed forward, something shifted and she ended up in God’s arms, smiling and happy, seeing that all that mattered in life was to remember that perception rests on beliefs that we have told about ourselves and the world – and that other people has other perceptions.

Entering the living room, I saw that the stick horse  – that I had jammed between a shelf and the wall –  had fallen down, now leaning toward a recliner 🙂

For new readers: this symbolic happening belongs to a long series of synchronicities in my life, that Blue  – my inner Guide – employs to demonstrate the truth in humorous  ways. I have posted many of them in earlier posts – if you want to read more, search  “Blue is playing.”

My book, ( see right menu) When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of them






The chronic coughing and pain – the deep wound in my chest – the disturbance in the tissues that shows up on x-rays as a dark mass  in the lungs– is nothing else that my own judgments of the Christ in my Heart.

I have judged myself – and so I have judged Christ. And Christ has been encapsulated in irritation, denial and hatred – in false and illusionary perceptions. Each time the impulse from Christ has come, the whole hullaballoo starts. The layers of denial around the holy essence react in irritation, and I cough.

I look at this my creation now – and I forgive the judgments I have placed upon this my Holy Self: a failure – a disappointment for God – all is wrong about this false self. All it needs is punishment so it never forgets how wrong it is. No wonder it feels unworthy to receive Self/Christ

I want to hold that Christ Child  – to receive it fully. I have seen it and held it in my arms before, many times – and always I have chosen to believe in my unworthiness to receive it fully. “I must be worthy BEFORE I receive You.”  I have been loyal to this false perception of me – forgive me for forgetting that my worth is intrinsic, given me by God. It can never be earned by what I think, say or do.

This is the truth

I now allow the Love that I am to BE where it is – in my heart – and I allow It to make Itself known. I will be loyal to this process – I want to receive You fully and be loyal only unto You.


Calling for help

This is a poem by Ylva Eggehorn:

Stand still within the pain, rooted in
that which is light in you

let the sword go through you
maybe it isn’t a sword at all

Maybe it is a tuning fork
you become a tone

You become the music you always
yearned to hear

You did not know you were a song

For the last month or so an old pattern has resurged: paranoia. Noia has the ability to paint up graphic films of disaster in minute detail. You see them, you feel them, they feel real without question, you are expecting these dark threats to manifest any moment – and then you start to prepare for them, making them real.

I recognize that in my childhood, it was reasonable to be alert and look for signs that my father would go from Dr.Jekyll to Mr.Hyde-mode: there was a faint hope that one could close the door to the insane dark energy that directed his acts. I am sure I frantically asked for help – and since i was used to identify myself with “deeply unworthy and sinful and guilty,” I denied my true nature. When we do that, we believe in lies – and thats where the intervention comes from.

What we believe in becomes true and real for us

I have in the last month worked together with a great guy on a project – and on the web. And the paranoia had spun out the most outlandish scenarios about his relationship to me: I have told stories about how he hates me and is just waiting to explode and blame me for being over-demanding and expecting the impossible. Thanks to the levels of awakeness I have been aware of this disaster-making in the mind, and each time forgiven the fear-scenarios: if God is Love, these thoughts of fear belong to the ego thought-system and are not true.

And I have witnessed again and again that what I have feared, has NOT been correct at all – it has been just my paranoid mind spinning out the old “believe the worst and prepare for it.”

What has been helpful these last days in dispersing the paranoid stories is to deeply see and be with the old terror – as a bodily emotional imprint. Being still, as Eggehorn writes in her wonderful poem – and anchor myself in Truth.

Sometimes the terror-levels are so high that I cant sense “that which is light in you” – and then I truly need to surrender all “my” knowing and stories and trust that my true nature – The Christ/Buddha nature/Self, call it what you will –  IS there despite the appearances of enormous pain and tensions – I set an intention to allow It to just BE. Sometimes there is a subtle shift – and there is truly a resting within the pain, and an anchoring in Self.

I am forgiving myself for still dreaming up the paranoic stories – but see them clearly for what they are – appearances, illusions, depending on my belief to seem real. In this last month, I have repeatedly seen through them – the guy loves to work with me, is dedicated to do it correctly – and all it takes to spin myself into paranoia is to pick up on some irritation in the way he communicates and take it personal.

Taking it personal: that is the essence of the pain in all abuse-scenarios: we think it is a personal me that the terror is happening to. We think it happens  because something about us – ( and no wonder, that’s what the abuser tells us – again and again). It is not about us: it happens because of unbearable split-off pain in the abusers mind, that they project on us: now the suffering victim is replaced and projected outside themselves, into a child.

What the child receives is their pain, their guilt,their shame,their shock, their hate, their disgust,their need for revenge.

That is the psychological explanation of it.

From the Course’s view it is different:

The mind outside time and space is as God/Love created it: Spirit – whole and innocent. There is only ONE mind – seemingly fragmented into humans and stones and kittens and stars. Choosing to believe that it is possible to be separate from our Source – and believing in this tiny mad idea, that the Course calls it – creates the world, or the dream that we are dreaming up. And when we, as Gods Son, choose to believe that we really are a separate “me,” we feel a deep terror for God’s anger and revenge. This is the ego’s god – and as separate, we do believe we are egos.

And this is one of the hardest things to learn to accept in the Course: everything that happens to us, we ask for – we even want. The ego – which we now identify with – wants torture and abuse: it proves that it IS a separate entity, and that it in fact has robbed God of His power.

“Holy Son of God, choose again” says the Course. “Remember Who you are: you had a silly thought – a tiny mad idea – that separation could be possible. It is but a dream, and you can choose instead to be Who you are: Spirit,healed and whole and innocent.

And so – the only thing we really forgive, are our own deluded perceptions and thoughts.

When the paranoia has entered this month, I have chosen to know I am wrong in my insane perceptions. I have to be, since God did not create them. And each time, Phil has shown that my fantasies are just that – and old bundle of fear-thoughts in the mind. Still there are energies connected to the paranoia that I habitually identify as “mine” – I still think I am this body, where the sensations are – but standing still and letting the stories go, rooted in the light/Self is my trusted way of awakening.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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