The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

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Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

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  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

HUNGER

This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/)

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama (  still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love  – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love  – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I  just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than meand this thought  we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feeling experienced as dying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST  BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and  her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Let me close with this part of Ode 536 by William Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

*https://ninotchka44.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/lesson-137-when-i-am-healed-i-am-not-healed-alone/,

**You may read more in detail about this in “The Seth-material” by Jane Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drama

This is the 40th day of  The 40 day in the desert-process with Lisa Natoli.

I woke up at 5am with the usual poisonous pains in the body, asked for help and remembered Lisa’s theory that when we do not extend the Love that we are – because we forget Who we are – then that energy is turned inward and turns poisonous. It is just energy that is not used the way it is supposed to.

Love wants to be shared – and right now, I was subconsciously  blocking it. I instantly offer to share this love – with whom?

I instantly see images from Congo. Joshua French, the Norwegian man who at first was accused of murdering a Congolese driver together with his friend Tjostolf Moland. Recently Moland died in prison, and French was accused of having murdered him too.

I extend Love to the whole situation and everyone involved, It feels indescribably good, and all poison is gone. While I am extending the Love, there are no thought of judgments, no wondering what this is for, no trying to fix – just allowing unconditional Love into the whole situation.

Then the ego sneaks in an claims the forgiveness as its own: a “me” being the good and saintly one and the Congolese authorities as the baddies – and I asked for help to see this differently. I was shown that what was needed was just a change of my perception of the whole situation – orchestrated as the good and innocent ones and the bad overpowering ones .I remembered Ken Wapnick’s incessant  reminders to his students: The Course is not about changing the world – there is no world – it is about healing the thoughts in the mind that are projected into this world and seemingly creating wars, disasters and evil – and also so-called “good.”

How sobering! All I need to forgive is my perception of the situation – which included distributing character traits, guilt, and blame, as the ego loves it.  The world is a play, as Shakespeare realized. What I see with my physical eyes are only projections of thoughts in the mind – seeming so very real and alive – but still only a projection we humans get caught in.

A beautiful peace ascends on me as I am taken back to Truth – and I pray for help to see the Congo-play differently, and to have my vision of it corrected. As I do this, it feels like looking at figures in an old black-and-white movie, they are flickering shadows. I ask to see clearly, and the figures turn out to be actors distributing roles between them. This scene plays out on the plane before incarnation: “Oh what a great play! So much to learn! You will play the poor Joshua French, and I will play the mean and ugly prosecutor – and then you get to be the innocent one and I will seem to be the villain –  yes, and the Congolese will have bald shiny heads and black suits and they will scream as they prosecute…” and I see them laughing and shaking hands as they distribute the roles in the drama –

– and then I see the “actors” DE-ROLING – now all the “actors” are standing there before me – everybody has “donned” their roles and have acquired important experiences and life-lessons that their souls have wanted. They all have got what they wanted, as the Course teaches – not on the level of the human, but on the level of soul. Now I see only light-beings – and after a little while, I see only One. And It is looking back at me, and saying:

This is all a dream – and you are dreaming it. Forgive yourself: you are the Holy Son of God* who fell asleep and dreamed up a world where there seemed to exist something else than God’s Love and God’s Will. Come Home to your Sacred Self

 

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To any new reader of this blog and unfamiliar with A Course in Miracles:

The “Son of God” referred to is NOT the character Leelah – the human personality – but God’s Holy Son, created in His image – and that creation is Spirit – our true Identity. It is only from Spirit I could see that play unraveling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beliving in false thoughts

An old theme melted today. Before, I had to work for weeks and involve legal authorities to have a package I ordered sent to me and not to be picked up at a Post office 3 hours away. I have gone through this process twice before – a huge forgiveness opportunity – and this time, when the procedure repeated itself and I called the new firm, I connected with their consultant in a beautiful way. It turned out she lived close to me and offered to drive there and pick it up and bring it to me on the door! Now there is a good sign that something in the mind has shifted:)

Then she told me that the Post office would not deliver it to her. But she told me in a mail that I just had to write them (the firm)and tell them that I wanted the package delivered to me home address. I did that – and then the huge father came and swallowed me. Oh my God, look at that. I meant to write fear, not father.

Same thing

I realized how not-happy I was when it all was solved. Why in the world wouldn’t I be  ecstatic  that this pattern of self sabotage at last was resolved?

The answer was obvious: almost 100% of my childhood/youth personality was identified with  the  strategies for surviving. All the ways she/I had to get use to calm the father with the fear so he did not become a dangerous demon – all that has been labeled “me.”

I now experienced the possibility of being wrong in that identification – these strategies I had told myself was me, and had experienced myself to be, and believed myself to be – if I was wrong in this, what would be left?

A huge cry came, I had to sit down. Forgiving myself for believing in this false me, this survival-construct I had made.

And in some weird way, the father and the fear is one – I think about the Course-metaphysics reminding us that we as ego think the Father/God is out to punish us because we left – and so we made up a punishing vengeful god in our image, and do our best to placate him and be “good” – just as most abused persons try to be toward their abuser, if they have to live with him/her

So these “false deliveries,” and  the demands that i pick it up, or else I would have to pay a big punishing fee, were all reflections of my childhood:

pick up those false fear thoughts, or else you will pay, and maybe even imprisoned

I can only imprison myself

I have perpetuated the punishment to stay “me”

I am willing to be wrong about the value of this – and to be shown a peaceful and playful healing process

willing to let go of the lodging of pain and fear and identity in my mind,mirrored in this body I call mine

But it is all based on false thoughts

maybe the strongest false thought is the one that tells me that I am guilty and need to be punished – the very thought of separation

remembering to laugh now

I can not lose something I never had in reality, says Blue.Just my screwed up false perception.

Yes,please

Puppets

The pressure in the night is immense. I ask to know what it is about, and fall asleep and have this dream:

I have to make a puppet for my exam. I have 1 day to make it, and run around trying to find the best materials. It feels like walking through glue, and I find nothing. The pressure lies in me trying to upholding this job of being a puppet maker -in Course-terms, a lover of separation.

Why do I want to make puppets when I can allow my Glorious Self? Oh.Just a habit. And  a habit that arises from a life long struggle to be this Leelah-puppet / a separate me/an impossibility. I saw that well enough in the process with Ilona and Liberation Unleashed.

Spirit, I am willing to lay down my materials. Please show me how to be Who I am.

“The job is to try to be Who you are not. Smile at the futility of the job assignment you have given yourself.”

I am remembering Stephen Levine’s mode of being from the video I saw yesterday. He talked about pain. When he did not know what to say, he shut his mouth and waited until he knew. His Self was speaking through him, but at no point did he seem to be “channeling.” Just – present.

Ego  -or separate self – is never present.

The dream of having to make a puppet head for my exam…to stop “making puppets” is the same as noticing the tremendous pressure when it is here and just STOP and SIT and allow it to release. I have always judged letting go as something I cannot do – because I demanded that it should happen instantaneously – if not, it did not work I told myself (well ego did.) Today, after the dream, I let go, and the sensations rolled through in many different flavors – from cold, to shivers, to sickness – but I needed to be present for it for quite some minutes before it stopped.

I observe: “Now I try to maintain a personality which is not Who I am – now I try to “understand” – now I try to do things right – in short, I am trying to be something I am not: the Holy Son of God. Noticing it, I stop  – become still – close my eyes – waiting for impulses from the right mind. In order to do that, I need to STOP and PAUSE as soon as I feel the pressure – the pressure of trying to uphold a false identity. I will put the puppet-material down: the polystyrene, the clay, the wood, the wire,the plaster, the fabrics, the colors, the brushes,the yarn, the lacker. I need to put it down. Finished.  I don’t want to make new puppets – or trying to improve the old one: new paint, new costume, new shine-up. Making a me, maintaining the belief in a separate me, is  not valuable.

The effort  trying to maintain what I am not results in frenzy. Futile.And the stress of trying to maintain this habit is self-torture.This is a job I have given myself (and we all do it)- to be something I am not -and to do something I don’t need to do.To please an angry god that is myself.Torturing myself. And I do it, because when I step out of puppet-making, I feel the first original fear and take it serious.

See this video: Nina Conti knows about this fear

See – right there where Nina has dropped her puppet and feels naked…

I give this moment to HS. Right now stopping – breathing – feeling the fear energy as fire in the solar plexus.Allowing it to heal. Simple.

My sister recently shared with me how she sat with a frenzied   woman’s deathbed.When the talk rose to catastrophic intensity, my sister stroked her brow horizontally ,lightly,with 2 fingers – and that was what was needed to bring the frantic woman to deep rest and peace.

I allow myself to truly take in, experience, the stresslessness of being as God created me.It  in this stresslessness   is the very non-doing that Kit pointed to in our last Skypesharing:  the key to Heaven. Also called Presence:)

The Tibetan dream

After the session with Kit yesterday, where we noticed the peace and release of just noticing/looking where we were, with no judging, I woke up today with a strong dream.

I am in Tibet – for me the symbol of unfailing faith in Spirit. There are also in Buddhism many lineages and  yogic traditions where “magic” is taught: among others, levitation. In a big room, there is a woman lying on the floor. Suddenly she slides toward me – then slides back again. This repeats itself until it dawns on me that I am the one who has the power to draw her to me or push her away. “What an awesome power I have!”

When I later write the dream down, do I realize that the pulling  towards or pushing away are two ways of resistance: in Buddhism called attachment or aversion. Both stresses that there exists an I that can be the chooser.

So my practice is now to notice – look – at when I am either pulling towards me or pushing away. It is easy, because the energy of it is unpleasant. I also become aware of how strong the personality – the little self – becomes.

I will be gentle and kind toward myself and allow everything else to flow from that.

In Swedish radio this morning, they are sending a daily  direct sent program called “Wish”. They have dedicated it to the victims of  22.July 2011, and tell us that we can call in on an answering machine and make wishes for music. I call in and leave my wish for a Danish lullaby I love. Turn on “Wish” again – and hear the same guitar accompaniment as in my wish. It has the same feel and atmosphere,and even the exact same 4 notes in the start. It is called ” The Girl in the Tree” and it comforts me.

The Wisher of this song said she wanted to give comfort to us.

She did.

They also played Górecki’s “Symphony No 3 – Symphony of Sorrowful Songs. I found it on YouTube, and find it profoundly comforting.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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