There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Had a lot of resistance yesterday. Noticed it while it happened – judged it – yuck. Dreams with failing connection to taxis that should bring me home

Let me remember that I am Home, and that ego/me cannot come Home

Session with Kit yesterday:

We find out how vital it is to NOT come too late to our session: not let “anything else” prevent us from meeting up, fresh, rested, prepared. I notice that I often go to my mail right before we start – I think I have to deal with it before our session to save time, “I’ll only…” I tell myself – bullshit – oh the pain right under the Crown Chakra when I believe this stress-thought. I actually seem to believe it is VERY important to get that mail done right then.

It is not important AT ALL. It is absurd

NO: I need to sit and breathe and be present, to honor my connection with glorious Kit and the glorious work we do together – and I prepare for it by just sitting and being.

Now ego is telling me that I use up too much space here with all these spaces and line-shifts – let me just realize that I have boundless space at my disposal.

I want to share with Peter how important for me it is to speak out – and how strong brakes there are on that. This is what I am going to do, Peter – that gives me grounding.

We are sharing stressed situations with clients – and exploring what happens when instead of sitting with it as it is NOW, we try to “deal” with it: it creates guilt, shame and judgments. We feel we are being painted into a corner when we do not have a solution. It creates desperation. “I don’t know any way out of this stuck place!” we say and try to DO something – but just recognizing the blind alley IS the way out – to stay there and WATCH IT. Kit sees an image now: some “green doors that seem to be good ones to go through – but they are pitfalls – you go through and you lose your footings.Then there is a feeling of burning under my feet if I stay – but that is a purification.I see how meaningful it is to just BE with the unsolved situation.”

Allow the “push to fix” to rest – allow the solution to come organically. It will come, when we don’t judge

Kit says: It is Heaven to BE with it – and Hell to try to fix it and be the one who fixes it.

I take a quick trip out of the room to tape a radio program. The first words I hear the announcer say, is: “ A journey through the Heavens – but also through pitch-black Hell.”

 

Today, 5.July -2014

I am working with this lesson 163 in the Course: Death is a thought which takes on many forms, often unrecognized. It may appear as sadness, fear, anxiety or doubt; as anger, faithlessness and lack of trust; concern for bodies, envy, and all forms in which the wish to be as you are not may come to tempt you. All such thoughts are but reflections of the worshipping of death as savior and as giver of release. A Course in Miracles; Lesson 163 – There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Death is the separation thought: that I CAN be without God.

I was listening to Lisa’s audio this morning on week 17 in our training program. I had strong pains in the left side of the body, realized that they were an impossibility in reality, that they were my creation from an identification with ego – and suddenly the mp3 player stopped transmitting sounds. I fiddled with it for a minute and remembered that this means that right now I need to do nothing: just BE with the resistance that is manifesting as this electronic block to listening. I recalled two days ago when both lawn movers died on me- the electricity worked, but not the machines. I realized the sign and just stopped trying to fix it.

Then I fell asleep and dreamed, and when I woke up, it felt important to remember it. I asked for help, relaxed and got nothing. I then listened to the now functioning mp3 player, and came to the place where it had zonked out: Lisa said “ the only appropriate reaction to a Son of God is appreciation.”

AH! Lightening! I realized that I had judged myself when it stopped – just as I had judged myself and the situation when my lawnmowers had stopped working.

Now I instantly approved of myself  -patted my shoulders, stroke my cheeks, talked loving to myself. And NOW I remembered the dream! I could not hear BLUE as long as I was angry at myself and judged myself – as long as I chose fear, Love is not available. The anger was invisible – as long as I identified with it.

The dream showed me in the common state of returning Home – and once again I had too much luggage, and I could not find it. I found only one small rucksack – WHITE – it contained a water bottle and another essential items on the journey: a small journal and pen. All was shining new.

(My old red rucksack is 55 years old, people – time for a new white one!)

Dream-Leelah did not understand that the new white rucksack IS hers. But I do. And there are delicate drawings in it: It points  me to do drawing again each day. I just finished yesterday a big art-project that has taken ½ year, and yesterday I received in my mailbox a book I ordered some months ago:

The awakened eye: A companion volume to The Zen of seeing, seeing/drawing as meditationby Frederick Franck(1979)

Excellent timing once again.

I will draw small things – details: snails. Straw. Grass. Flowers. Twigs. Seeds!

And now – connected to the Self with Joy and gratitude – does the pain seep out, seen as an impossible idea.

And it came back – and I know it is an impossibility from the Place I rest in – so it goes again. And then there is the thought “but what if -“and it returns – could it be clearer? It comes back because I just gave power to the belief of the possibility of “what if -.”

I created it by believing in its possibility.

ALL the power rest in me – what do I choose? What do I WANT TO choose?

The mind cannot oppose Truth and God, but it CAN pretend it is sleeping. Today I will observe where I go asleep – and chose again

Hungry Ghost: seeking for Love in the wrong places

This feels monumental

My good friends Peter and Mary came for dinner. Peter asked “can I have extracreme from that Creme-siphon in the fridge on my dessert?”

Immediately I felt a strong NO-signal. I felt a simmering anger inside – a clear sign to honor that signal from my Self. I drove right over it, smiled and said yes.

He emptied that siphon. He sprayed dollop after dollop on his dessert until it was emptied -and I could not get a sound out.

This is the place in the psyche where we murder our truth. The Self says: Saying YES here allows an unconscious habit to go unnoticed – the belief that love comes from food – sugar and fat above all

The inability to say NO comes from the most stubborn pattern running through most of my lifetimes: if you say no, you are in danger of losing your life .But what that REALLY means is that I believe I am in danger of losing the love from those around me – they will certainly leave if I don’t give big YES to all they want. In my confused ego-thinking I believe that I will die if I don’t get love from from outside – since I also believe that I don’t have LOVE inside – ALL THE TIME.

It’s who I am

I noticed this fully in the night with warm waves of gratitude. Ego tells me that I override and crush MYSELF when not heeding the no-impulse from inside. I am weak, cowardly, shameful. No – correction: the crushing comes when I JUDGE myself for not saying NO.

Saying no is a mistake, not a sin to pay for – and I can choose again whenever I am ready.

Right now the JOY is so tremendous: the pain came from JUDGING my choice not to heed the inner Truth-voice.

God does not judge us for this – why would we?

It is only my judgment of this that creates this horrific fear. I have met this fear in at least 99% of my clients and students. Coincidence: I think not.

The thing is – both Peter and I feel we never have enough. We still try to fill the old bottomless suck for love that the ego felt was not provided: we are hooked into Hungry Ghost *

It feels intensely liberating to pull the projection back from Peter: he is only reflecting back to me my own “there will never be enough”-ghost/addiction. It is THIS part I me I have always feared – and throughout all incarnations projected out on rapists, killers and what have you.

It is just a thought. Believing it is Hell – watching it innocently and turning to Love instead is Heaven.

Since it is not God-created, it has no power of itself. As I withdraw my belief and power, it melts.

With deep gratitude I look at Peter’s pigging out -he is only reflecting what I still think holds value: getting what this body-me needs, outside of Love. Now I take it back and smile at it: it is not serious at all, in Reality it never happened.

Enough is enough

It feels like black asphalt waves are rolling through me, onto the Shores of Home. I see images of birds suffocating in oil-waste – for me a great symbol of how we suffocate the messengers of Truth within our soul with our misuse and waste of energy: human judgment of what IS.

I forgive myself for believing that I am not my Christ Self. I accept and receive the weaves of self-hatred that I earlier have believed is me.

In Reality, nothing happened

 

*From Wikipedia:

Hungry ghost is a Western translation of Chinese  餓鬼 (èguǐ), a concept in Chinese Buddhism and Chinese traditional religion representing beings who are driven by intense emotional needs in an animalistic way.

The Chinese concept is related to the preta in Buddhism more generally.

These beings are “ghosts” only in the sense of not being fully alive; not fully capable of living and appreciating what the moment has to offer.

The English term has often been used metaphorically to describe the insatiable craving of an addict.[1]

 

Peter disappeard

Oh the beauty of surrendering old thought systems!

Last night a saw that Peter had sent me a friend request, and all the old gloom and doom-energy raised its ugly head. Oh that feels SO bad!So I sat with the energy of it, and in bed  I asked for correction of my perception again and  saw my Self embracing him, right where he thought himself to be.

Today he has disappeared off the Forum/website completely.

That is exactly what we are told will happen when we change our response to the people who we find difficult: either they start to move towards love and share our thinking – or they disappear off the chart.

I sat in the sofa with God, telling him I am here to be helpful. The doorbell rang, the sweetest young girl with a beautiful loving smile asked me to by a Sundaypaper. I don’t like that paper, so I thanked no. Then I realized: by calling her back and telling her I loved her smile i WOULD be truly helpful – in ways I have no idea about. So I did that, and she smiled even broader, and her way of moving was lighter.

It felt amazing!

There was also a strange and surrealistic thing happening last night: when the old disaster thoughts with their accompanying energies came, I got the idea that I did not want to do what I always have done: figuring out what to do that is the right thing to do – going from wrong-mindedness to rightmindedness. That still implies some thinking and figuring out for me. So, all of a sudden, I just started to imagine the most surrealistic  ways to see the surrendering of fear. I don’t remember the details, but I started to giggle and felt a great release just being willing to  think in a different way. And what a different way: playful,surreal, NOT SERIOUS.

And a nice synchronicity happened this morning: I sensed another big gloomanddoom-habit – the one about  writing  the yearly account for my firm. It suddenly became very clear that I don’t need this agony at all. In the same second a ton of old wet snow slid from my roof with a great thunder. What a great symbol of fear falling off

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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