A dip into Heaven

In the night, I listened to a tape of an activation by Rikka. There are first about ten minutes of greetings, and then the activation begins.

I sensed big expansion, and after just a few minutes I knew my vibration was vastly changed. I felt light, happy, loving. In the middle of that, ther came a crystal clear knowing: the chronic pains in the chest and neck, the suffering – it is not real. It is a false identity, believed in. It is “false evidence appearing real” = fear. Or “false identity believed in” – FIBI 🙂 I like the sound of FIBI – you really can’t take FIBI serious.

This vast space that I am in, inthe night, just naturally turned toward the stress and painenergy, created by resisting truth ( the  expanded, high-vibrational state of mind that I am in) and told it “I’ve got you, love. It’s safe to come out now.” The pain is just thoughts that I have believed in – and so it has become my experience. But right now, none of it is believed in, none attached to, just an old tape that the Holy Son of God has believed in, becoming part of the fear and separation paradigm ruling this dimension.

Now it is seen that I am the Home of that.

There is an intention of letting all those false fear thoughts go – they have nothing to do with this Presence that I Am.

Thoughts of sin and fear and guilt and specialness  that humans use to swim in as their sea of nourishment and meaning – now seen as inconsequential wisps of nothingness


And there is a couple of hours sleep in the morning, and the world is back again



Kill or be killed

There is a place i n A Course in Miracles which says:

“T-16.VI.8. Fear not that you will be abruptly lifted up and hurled into reality. 2 Time is kind, and if you use it on behalf of reality, it will keep gentle pace with you in your transition. 3 The urgency is only in dislodging your mind from its fixed position here. 4 This will not leave you homeless and without a frame of reference. 5 The period of disorientation, which precedes the actual transition, is far shorter than the time it took to fix your mind so firmly on illusions. 6 Delay will hurt you now more than before, only because you realize it <is> delay, and that escape from pain is really possible. 7 Find hope and comfort, rather than despair, in this: You could not long find even the illusion of love in any special relationship here. 8 For you are no longer wholly insane, and you would soon recognize the guilt of self-betrayal for what it is.”

Another one:W-328.1. What seems to be the second place is first, for all things we perceive are upside down until we listen to the Voice for God. 2 It seems that we will gain autonomy but by our striving to be separate, and that our independence from the rest of God’s creation is the way in which salvation is obtained. 3 Yet all we find is sickness, suffering and loss and death. 4 This is not what our Father wills for us, nor is there any second to His Will. 5 To join with His is but to find our own. 6 And since our will is His, it is to Him that we must go to recognize our will.

These quotes point to the fact that  the place  from which the human is looking at itself is something that is terrified of heaven and of Oneness. The Course teaches us in 365 lessons  how to undo this thought-system of terror, belonging to the ego, so we can gradually change our mind and realize that Love has nothing but Love to offer – the horrors we project on Love are our own guardians against  our true identity.

I had a dream this night where a little being crept into my childhood home ( the place in my mind where I keep that home “safe” from changes since it is “mine”.) It was strange-looking but sweet and I wanted to protect it.I put it tenderly in  a sunspot on the floor and it went to sleep.

A bit later the dream-me knew she had to fly from danger, and she wanted to take the little being/spirit with her -and the instant she took it in her hand to save it, it frantically and automatically attacked. Its little teeth were piranha-sharp: if her hand had been in front of them, it would have been mashed to porridge in seconds.

This is the ego- thought system. It sees the loving hand that wants to save it, to bring it to love, as something that is attacking it. Upside down perception looking with fear. It goes into killer mood to destroy what it thinks is dangerous: kill or be killed – there are no other options in the mind of fear.

Holy Spirit, I offer you this mechanism, this belief that is going on automatic.Please correct these beliefs in my mind

And I sit down, sense its energy-imprint in the body – wow, the poor head – and allow Presence to shine right through it

Only what is corruptible can die.

I awoke this early morning from the most disgusting feeling of being guilty. “Holy Spirit, help me clear this.” I was told to do the TAT-pose, and said the first statement: “Everything that led up to me resonating, identifying and connecting to this happened.” Spirit told me to breathe the connected breathing that Michael Brown describes in The Presence Process, and it immediately brought up such amounts of phlegm that I had to sit up. I remembered that the only way out is through, so I kept breathing. Then I was right inside a core-trauma: “I am dying – and if I die now, this insanity and violence will follow me as spirit after the body dies. I MUST NOT HAVE THIS FEELING, I WILL GO TO HELL”

Now there is a belief with consequences!:)

A wave of gratitude and feeling of waking up happened:

NOW I can feel it: this is just a memory, an age-old imprint that the personality has taken for real and therefore given creative power. It has had no power whatsoever to harm Who I am in Truth: I am here – now – willingly allowing the feeling to be integrated. So many times did this person believe she was close to death this life – and always did she judge and deny this feeling, with hellish consequences.

I cannot die. I am Presence shining through all this. Raging pain flares up everywhere in the body and dissipates. My left arm goes numb, my right hand feels like it is impaled. Thoughts about crucifixion comes up – and the Course’s teaching that we only feel pain as long as we identify with guilt. According to the Course, Jesus did not feel pain: He knew He was not the body, and He knew He was as God created Him:  Spirit – healed and whole and innocent.

How closely connected to the “me” is guilt. It/me cannot exist without it: the “me” is “proof” that separation is real

Without the “me”, the guilt has nothing to attach to

Thoughts of crucifixion come up again. I hear:

Only that which is corruptible can die. Spirit is forever.

The rest is innocence

Integration of emotional signature

– and what a gift this is!

I had a couple of close friends for dinner. Afterwards, I invited them to see the French film “The untouchables.”  

The film starts with Driss – a huge African-French man – being extremely rude to a paraplegic man. And Peter stands up from the sofa, looking crazy with anger, and tell us he will NOT see this movie and that the director is doing something abominable to accept such behavior and “advertise it” in the movie.

Betty and I try to reason with him – it is impossible to reach him: whatever we say, is met with the same anger at  what he sees as a consent of disrespectful behavior. “If I had a gun I would shoot him!” says Peter, and I don’t find any words – I am in my story – a big man is going amok with anger in front of me and I cannot reach him.

The Betty says, with a clear voice: “Now – we calm down. We calm down.” She walks over to Peter and puts her arms around him. She tells him to just do what he needs to to take care of himself, and that she and I will see the movie.

I see him coming to his senses. A light is turned on in him – and he says: “Now I can see the movie.”

No reasoning at all could reach him. Only Love, letting him know that what he was feeling was NOT judged in any way, was not wrong.

We saw the movie to the end, and Peter laughed at the same places where Betty and I laughed, and enjoyed Driss’s transformation.

Afterwards Betty asked me if I got afraid at Peter’s outburst. I thought about it – and said no.

But after they had left, the entrance-light went out, and suddenly I felt how strong terror I felt. As soon as I acknowledged it, the light came on.

I recognized that Peter was a messenger, and the message was touching energetically this old fear in me of a crazy-angry father who could not be reached, and who soon would turn into a monster who would attack me. And Betty showed me that all it took to bring him out of that trance was unconditional acceptance and love – AND also that we would not sit and pamper his anger: we would see the movie.

But his feelings were seen as acceptable! And the loving hug allowed him to not feel any guilt at all about it. And the whole  emotional imprint in me came up to the surface, brought up seconds of strong shivers and crying – and then the emotional charge was gone.

And all that is left is gratitude for the process – and  a deep appreciation that I am taken care of by Presence.


Michael Brown uses Presence where Course-students use the Holy Spirit. Whatever the name, I am happy to share how fast Presence answered my prayer two nights ago – I deeply wanted and intended to be shown what the innermost cause for “my” fear is – and I put the fear in Love’s hands and asked It to take over. Strong sensations happened all over the body, and it was exciting to lay there and experience without identifying with any of it.

And then – the next day I found myself going to Michael’s YouTube-site and open the video in my last post. There are zillions to choose from.

Only in bed that night did I realize that that video WAS the prayer answer.

And it is in Blue’s hands now ( Blue is my name for Holy Spirit) – I acknowledged for the first time that this is what I really feel about God on the deepest level, and asked Blue to correct it for me and heal my mind. I heard “You know, it is healed aeons ago. There is no time:) Now you just saw it.”

There was never a hatred of God – but there was a BELIEF in a hatred of God – and so it seemed to be.

I love to be wrong:)

Dare to believe what you know

Morning. Sameol sameol pain.Clear thought:

I know that God has not created pain, discomfort,fear,grief,anger,guilt. I have – or seem to have – to defend the story of a separated special me.

This moment I sense the strong belief that God did NOT create it, so it is just an idea of pain and separation in my mind.


Now, dear reader, imagine an instant image of complete blue – you know the image of a sea completely devoid of stirrings of wind, and the skies are without horizon. You are in the middle of this. There are no sounds, but the fullness of Something is immense. Somehow it dawns on you that you are this – you are looking at an outer image of an inward condition.

The pains are gone. The constrictions around the chest are gone.


I get up and start my day.  Call the Tax Dep. in order to complain for the 3 time of something  that is my right and have not got.  Give the answering machine a message that they can call me back when one of their consultants is ready.Breathe the Presence Process -way for 5 minutes  – that’s all I can muster before i feel cold and dizzy. Then I start to BE with the discomfort i feel in the body at having to make these calls to the Tax Office – to firmly stand on my rights and claim what belongs to me.

I have a thought: oh maybe i could be disturbed by the phone if I do this presence-being-with-fear now.

Calm on inside: just start.All is well.Trust.

The fear is ice-cold, clutching something hard,hard to breathe. Just being with it without condition starts a melting, like spring melting ice in Spring. Funny sensations/ green new sprouts spring up in many parts of the body, and in ten minutes the Spring is definitely on the way.

I take a deep breath, and the telephone from the Tax Dep. comes, perfectly timed by Presence. The lady finds out what has happened with my case: they have accepted my claim, but forgotten to send me the papers that confirm it.  I ask her to give me her word that she will see to it. She smiles yes.

I hear Blue: “You know, you have a rule that things has to happen three times for them to be valid and real.”

I do. I really have that belief. Those papers had been in order from 6 weeks after i complained the first time – but they could not be sent out, since i had not complained 2 more times.

Once is enough:)

Love leading

Skyping with Kit. – Our sessions are usually – 99% I would say – filled with great Presence. When one speaks, the other is just there. This  morning I felt tense, and when it was my turn to listen I saw something on my PC desk that I HAD TO  move to Documents immediately. I knew inside that this was ego wanting control, feeling scared – still I choose to follow the OCD-impulse and deposit the file. In other words – I believed in the thought that this has power over me, and that it had power to destroy the loving space of truth that Kit and I share.I felt like shit: I was G U I L T Y .It took my peace, goddamn it!

When it is my turn to share, I tell Kit about this – and she suggests that this is a gift to explore between us. I quickly see how soon I gave my power away to ego. – So – what is really stealing my peace this night and morning?

Right now,it feels like a monster sitting on my neck and forcing me to bow – it is physically overwhelming. My tooth and jaw hurts, it feels like inflammation everywhere. This is a biggie( says ego, psychologically smart as it is.)

Ah.But it is just stuff like all ego stuff: I am just stuck in a belief that I must be perfect and always adapt to Kit’s needs to keep her love. And there it releases: I did not defend it any longer.

Now we both laugh. A lot. Big release. I think really is ego’s fear of dying.

I will allow myself to be healed when I ask for help. I will allow myself to feel safe within the body, as long as I think it and I are here. I need that I easily and lovingly set borders for my clients, when they are acting out and I am on the receiving end.

Suddenly I see how Kit mirrors my potential for receiving love. That I observe it in her, and that we are One, means that I SEE that it is available NOW. I instantly think of Barbara, my dear friend, mirroring That which has completely surrendered to the I Am. It is good to see that it is HERE – all the signs show it – and that does not necessarily mean that I will choose it with all of me.


A patient coming later today to session mails me and tells me that she has JUST paid me, “sorry. ” This woman has been given very clear rules: “I want to see the payment in my account before you get here. When you do not take this seriously, you are saying that you don’t respect the borders of the therapeutic space,  you are compromising the field of trust between us and subjecting me to a big deal of unpleasantness. Not following this rule  gives space for huge projections. I will not have it (she has done this 3 times) – and if it happens again, I will terminate the therapy.

So I realize that for me to be a good role model, I have to follow up and tell her that today is the last session. And so I sit down and repeat this from the session with Kit:

I will allow myself to be healed when I ask for help. I will allow myself to feel safe within the body, as long as I think it and I are here. I need that I easily and lovingly set borders for my clients, when they are acting out and I am on the receiving end.

I ask for help, and see us both enveloped in Love. I know I will say what I need to say with love, and will make sure that she sees that.

And this is what happens: The love in me is palpable. After her first shock and cry she sees it and senses it – and she can hear that she is welcome back when she knows for sure that she wants to keep this commitment that I want.

The session is marvelous for us both: I feel the safety to talk about that I do not allow anybody to act out in any way where I am on the receiving side like this – it would be a demonstration of self-abuse -and I pose questions to help her see her own confusion when it comes to not hearing what is said, and hating borders to be set. It is all lovingly explained and presented, and I tell her she is welcome back when she KNOWS that she can  say yes to this  rule without anger.

She thanks me for giving her what she needs and not expected and wanted. And realizes that she did NOT did something “wrong” by not paying in time: this process, and all the realizations, would never have happened if she hadn’t.

Trusting the process is all – and allowing Love to come through me.

We both benefited deeply from this: this is the first time where I have been able to refuse to be treated bad and not feel anxious about it at all. I am a role model – and it is good so.

And I think she will come back 🙂


The patterns are becoming clearer.

The mental resistance of falling asleep and becoming “food for astral levels” (meaning fear.)  Praying for help for hours, accepting as much as possible. Falling asleep at 6 in the morning, dreaming of something that is extreme terror, waking up from the terror, while it still is ravaging the nervous system.

Doing Sedona with Mary. Noticing the well-known polarities in my mind: the control-wish – and the wish to dissolve it.

As both were allowed to be there, the image of the need to be right, to be a me, to have a story grew to huge proportions.  It felt so sweet to be able to just witness this “something” and allowing myself to fully take in how strong “it” wanted to exist.

I sat with that – just this need to be a “someone” – and allowed it to be embraced by Love.

I realized that I did not need to change it at all – it was so minuscule compared to the Space who watched it. In the moment when that realization came, it changed: a strong rush of electricity in my body happened, like something leaving.

I do not need to change it as long as I – Presence – see that it is nothing at all – and not serious.

Getting to this point consisted of allowing everything to be there.

LESSON 137. When I am healed I am not healed alone.

This is a wonderful practice-day for me.

When I was receiving radiation for breast cancer, there came a moment under the radiation machine where I knew all through that it was WRONG. What was wrong about it was me believing in western medicine’s view of cancer – that you need to nuke the “bad” cells away, and that would also include my healthy cells. My left nipple felt like it was about to fall off – and I said inside:” Archangel Michael, please take over this healing – I want your Light instead of the machines’ .”Immediately I felt and sensed a strong shift in the energy: a mild and strong light embraced me, and I knew my prayer was heard.

And so today’s lesson confirms my experience:

W-pI.137.7.2 When sickness has been seen to disappear in spite of all the laws that hold it cannot but be real, then questions have been answered. 3 And the laws can be no longer cherished nor obeyed.

According to the laws of  Western medicine, the changes in the cells would go on until 14 days after radiation – which meant that the sore and pain would go on getting worse. But I was now under God’s law -and therefore, the pain and sores disappeared completely during the next two days.

W-pI.137.9.2 His gentle lessons teach how easily salvation can be yours; how little practice you need undertake to let His laws replace the ones you made to hold yourself a prisoner to death. 3 His life becomes your own, as you extend the little help He asks in freeing you from everything that ever caused you pain.

On the D.U group ( The Disappearance of the Universe-group on Yahoo) there has recently been a young man who has demonstrated just through doing the first 20 lessons that he has “got” the Course. When I read his sharing I felt something like a molecular change inside me. It does NOT have to be about reading and studying – just a willingness and readiness will allow the Self to remember.

This morning I dreamt I was in a mental institution :-)It felt simple and loving to be there: i did not have to “do” anything else than sit there as Love.

W-pI.137.10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who cross your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you.

W-pI.137.15. Let healing be through you this very day. 2 And as you rest in quiet, be prepared to give as you receive, to hold but what you give, and to receive the Word of God to take the place of all the foolish thoughts that ever were imagined. 3 Now we come together to make well all that was sick, and offer blessing where there was attack. 

Doing the practice today was just this: giving the Love that was given to me. It felt like a gentle and healing Presence – simple, unchangeable and eternal. So whenever I sensed a twinge of irritation, anxiety or fear, I chose to see it, not as a thought/feeling, but as a brother – this time inside my mind – and I could easily give him/her my blessings that I just received. This strategy felt really simple and effective for me.

the clouds and the Light

Today’s lesson: 69: My grievances hide the light of the world in me

As I am sitting in the morning, allowing myself to go through and past the clouds. I sense them brushing cool around my face. The Course is saying that if I am feeling I am being lifted up, I am doing it right – and I am. Suddenly I am in that light you see when you fly above the clouds in a plane. A voice is telling me this is not the light I am looking for, so I go on. I am transported forward in great speed – and then I am at my inner altar. Here the Light is not like the light from the sun – the light is not like any earthly light at all: it is a softness, a tenderness that I am part of, it welcomes me back to safety and my heart. A Presence is here, so familiar, so infinite sweet and kind.

The ego’s presence in my bodymind is felt like cold. I ask myself if I could let go of the determination to hold on to this cold as “me” – and I can. Now the cold is still there, but there is no “me” attached to it.

Now I am aware of a kind of fighting to get the cold away recognizing the ego fighting ego. I shift my attention between the Light of Presence and the cold – back and forth, several times –  the cold is abating – and then the phone rings.

It is a shock to the nervous system. This decision for shock in this moment came through me. I must have been afraid of disappearing into the altar-light. I forgive my choice for ego and notice  I have my old symbolic bathrobe on. How effective shock is – and have been – to take me away from Home. And how much power I have given to it before – “now the darkness won again, it was stronger. I KNEW it!!!!

But now I realize that even though I don’t see the light and the altar as clearly anymore, I also do not mind the ego-cold and fear: it can be there, included – there is no me attached to it. The ego now says”OH, I GOT IT!! I am so good! I am safe!” I notice the thoughts and the cold and they just drift by: I am not that.

foto by:http://aksinya.files.wordpress.com

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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