Innocence

This journey of coming to a place of Innocence

Twice now I have written here – and twice the whole post has disappeared, even though I marked and saved it – and both times, that sentence of innocence comes instead 🙂

Thank you, Blue

Third time counts 🙂  AND I get that this is about knowing I AM on this journey to complete utterly innocence – like Jeshua talks about in The Way Of Mastery

Last evening I discovered that my bottom rock belief and fear is “I am the scum of the world.”
Later in the evening I started sabotaging myself again – many times – and discovered that “i” enjoyed being “punished.”

Big released breath: “i” liked the energy of being punished – it felt “safe.”

WOW

I have for years ‘known’ that ‘the punished’ wants punishment to pay off the horrid guilt it believes it carries AND IDENTIFIES WITH – but I never FELT it until last evening. There is a vast space between intellectually knowing and feeling, being present with.

Jesus showed me an image I have explored before: ‘me’ laying on a pedestal, young Mayan virgin being sacrificed by having my heart cut out while alive, and the priest who does it is Benjamin – my friend now.

What was new now was that i felt the pillar of all hatred and anger that he had in his face and soul when he lifted that dagger, and I looked him in the face -and I sensed that in the second before he killed me, I  took all that into me as ‘me.”

In this life, i have explored that same hatred/rage/disgust at women from my father’s possessed “Mr.Hyde” when he raped me as a small child – and thought that this hatred came from him.

But it has always been my* choice to create it and explore it and be on both sides of it – to find THAT which embraces it and transforms it. And fully knowing that all of it happens in this 3-dimentional illusory world that consists of our collective fears and beliefs projected out.  This is how Jeshua describes “the world” in the last lesson of The Jewel Course:

The things of this world will no longer hold any value, meaning, or purpose. For it is given unto you to understand that although this world was created in error (I speak not of the trees. I speak not of the clouds. I speak not of the blessed rain and precious soil of your Holy Mother, but of the world of ideas constructed based on the belief in and guilt for, Separation), that world is going to be corrected.)

And the thing is – when that energy-frequency  presents itself now, via others around me, I can embrace it – when I am ALONE.

So Benjamin and I will be alone now ( otherwise he comes together with a beloved friend)  and the fear is tremendous that I will feel this – AND IDENTIFY WITH IT.

And YES, I see that I have created this  to truly find the innocent-space to embrace it all, and see it dissolve into Light, which Jeshua says will happen to this “phenomenal” world, as we all withdraw our projections of separation from the planet.

And I choose: If I identify with it when he is here – I will accept and love myself just as I am – and bless the situation and let go of any thought that “i” have to FIX this.

 

*my choice: By this me is meant the ME beyond time and space, the “spirit-me.”

 

 

 

Forgiving that old testament God

Please excuse this, all lovers of the Bible. I do not mean to offend any of you – this is an example of how a Course in Miracle-student can learn how to forgive his perception of a punishing God: the Course holds that there is no God outside our mind, that we are exactly like Him, and just need to remember Who we are. And to do that, I/we have to remove all the false images we have placed between ourselves and the original LOVE we came from – and my   and the Bible’s perception of Yahveh is one such block for me.

I have always had big trouble with this story in the Bible and Jehovah’s 10 ways of punishing Ramses – and, the punishing was not enough, no, it says that Jehovah even “hardened Ramses’ heart against Him” so that His miracles would make a bigger impact.

Well, historically that seems to be wrong – Tutmose 2 is more plausible than Ramses – but in this case, I don’t care about that, this is just about the biblical story about an overpowering God who shows muscles and reigns by terror for the ones who does not allow “His people” to leave the country

So, as a Course Student, hearing that we need to forgive our image of God, this came to me this morning – and I thought, hmm-mm – yes, I am willing to learn something new, please give me a new perception –

and I got one! YAYYYY!

Blue started to show me how God – Love – always have to approach us where we think we are. And that Egyptian ruler-culture and its hierarchies of gods was built on violence and punishment,and a view of the human that its worth was built on its origin of birth – which class one belonged to.

So then it is reasonable that Love had to come in a form that could bring through that there was a Higher Power than the pantheon of Egyptian gods – and that Yahveh’s 10  gruesome visitations on Pharaoh and the miracle He showed that the Hebrews’ firstborn children were saved, but Ramses’ little son was not(according to the story) – those were signs that were adapted to that time’s customs and ways of perceiving life and power.

I realize that of course God could not have shown up as unconditional love in Ramses’ heart – that was not the way of the Pharaohs – or any ruler by force and dictatorship.That kind of Pharaoh did show up some time later as Akhenaton -and his reign did not last long.

And the only place this seem to have happened anyway, is in the ONE MIND – and in this mind, with a little part I call mine, I have now happily removed the image of this cruel power lusty Jehovah and replaced with Love coming through that era’s perception of power and the divine.

After having let go of this image of God this morning, my body felt light as a feather

Now, later, big tiredness is coming

I am as God created me

My father and I am One

“The Little Girl”-program in the mind

This morning I prayed for help to join with the part of me who is responsible for these almost constant states of inner disaster and turmoil in the morning, and I was shown a severely dissociated part – a conglomerate of disaster parts, melted into one, from baby and up to 6-7 years old. I saw her – as in a room/space-bubble for herself in the astral level- and she was permanently looking at /being shown/ horrible images of abuse, murder, torture, what have you.

I was also helped to understand that I/my soul was her “power” – it was like she had relocated herself to another level, into a bubble where she could be “safe” – so she did not have to be fully present in the acts she was forced to participate in and subject others to. “She” relocated – and her emotional and mental state of mind – the “disaster-one” – followed her to this “bubble” in the mind, and my soul, and my identification with her, powered her as my creation – made it “real”, as the Course calls it. The physical acts surely happened to her – but she added to those her own thoughts and beliefs about herself, and why this happened to HER – like,” I must be really wicked and sinful since I experience this, I have no worth, I deserve to be punished constantly not to be hit by God’s rage.”

And constantly telling herself these lies – and me unconsciously believing in them – made them real for her – and cemented her “sinful” sluttish identity.

And “she” will perpetuate this creation of mine in a split-off state of mind, as long as I have not firmly dissolved my beliefs that is running the creation

I asked for help, and was reminded of my Michael-Sword of Truth. I directed it at the essence of the darkness with the intention of returning it to the One – a lot was released and resolved

This is the metaphysics of it:by believing in the dark images, the images become real – this is how humanity has created the world. In “The Jeshua Letters,” Jeshua describes “the world” like this:

“…the vast array of perceptions you have learned about yourself. It is a web of illusion that you, as soul, freely choose to be immersed within. The web is like a vortex, a field of energy… The world means nothing. This is the salvation of the world: That is does not, nor has it ever, existed.”

Like “The world,” the split-off girl does not exist in reality – she is a conglomerate of my own beliefs and fears, powered by my denial and resistance to them – which creates a strong identification with them.

What I am reminded of now, while I am with her, loving her, is that images are nothing else than images – and ONLY humans’ belief in their appearance makes them seemingly real.

I am shown that my perception still primarily is driven by this split – off – girl -and I see the perception like two pieces of twisted frozen dirty-green ice in front of my eyes, warping images of love into sickening brutality and perversion.

I pray deeply for help to clear my perception, and is told the importance of being the Self in Presence with her, just witnessing her feelings and saying them back to her. In this way, she will experience LOVE as well as her fears

This day I was more tired than I have ever been – until I was prompted to sit down and write it down and sharing it with you. In that second, the tiredness lifted.

Father and son

I sensed his energy already before he dumped down in the bus seat beside me. Everything stood still inside me – huge fear- the energy that he brought, and acted out from, was all “Fuckeat” – energy – an archetype of violence, abuse and dominance that is described in my book “When fear Comes Home with Love.”

I froze – and then remembered that I am here to BE Love – therefore, him sitting down was an opportunity for me to BE with the energy and to BE the space of Love where it could be witnessed.

Judgment flared up like a volcano when he slapped his baby son on his lap hard – twice – on its little hands. This baby was obviously used to it – it did not cry, just whimpered, and got a strong expression of worry.

I recognized that feeling inside my mind: “I have done something wrong and am punished – and for me, there is no recognition of why.”

I felt sick now, but still blessed the father silently in his true nature, again and again.

I was shown a bloodline of fathers like him – in this case, Moslem fathers who think their boy-babies have to be taught by pain and fear when their expression is not up to the standard for what is correct male behavior.

I saw his wife sitting there, across the isle – with another little boy beside her. He was looking down as the father hit his baby, and was smiling a stiff smile.

The wife looked like she was 19-20. Her eyes, watching her husband, were devoid of any life and presence – I recognized that energy/memory inside myself too and forgave it. She had taken refuge in that space where “this does not happen. I can do nothing about it that would not make it worse.”

As I felt sicker and sicker, drawn longer into merging with the Fuckeat-archetype, I heard a suggestion inside: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

Yes – there it was: they were playing out for me something in MY mind that had not yet been fully forgiven- and it was in my mind that I now forgave myself for choosing to see the Son of God in a violent manner. I blessed him again – and again – and there came a soft peace, the father rose from his seat and sat down elsewhere – I saw him relating to two other children.

His wife was looking at him now – they were quietly talking – and she was completely present, unfearful, and love poured out of her eyes to her husband

The Fuckeat structure in my mind had opened itself to yet another layer of healing – and all because I was truly willing to SEE beyond brutality to his true Self.

When they left the bus some minutes later, I saw two other children – at least 8-10 years old – they were all smiling, and I saw his father – pride in them

Sharing this with you had also started yet another release of Fuckeat-energies

Thank God

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beliving in false thoughts

An old theme melted today. Before, I had to work for weeks and involve legal authorities to have a package I ordered sent to me and not to be picked up at a Post office 3 hours away. I have gone through this process twice before – a huge forgiveness opportunity – and this time, when the procedure repeated itself and I called the new firm, I connected with their consultant in a beautiful way. It turned out she lived close to me and offered to drive there and pick it up and bring it to me on the door! Now there is a good sign that something in the mind has shifted:)

Then she told me that the Post office would not deliver it to her. But she told me in a mail that I just had to write them (the firm)and tell them that I wanted the package delivered to me home address. I did that – and then the huge father came and swallowed me. Oh my God, look at that. I meant to write fear, not father.

Same thing

I realized how not-happy I was when it all was solved. Why in the world wouldn’t I be  ecstatic  that this pattern of self sabotage at last was resolved?

The answer was obvious: almost 100% of my childhood/youth personality was identified with  the  strategies for surviving. All the ways she/I had to get use to calm the father with the fear so he did not become a dangerous demon – all that has been labeled “me.”

I now experienced the possibility of being wrong in that identification – these strategies I had told myself was me, and had experienced myself to be, and believed myself to be – if I was wrong in this, what would be left?

A huge cry came, I had to sit down. Forgiving myself for believing in this false me, this survival-construct I had made.

And in some weird way, the father and the fear is one – I think about the Course-metaphysics reminding us that we as ego think the Father/God is out to punish us because we left – and so we made up a punishing vengeful god in our image, and do our best to placate him and be “good” – just as most abused persons try to be toward their abuser, if they have to live with him/her

So these “false deliveries,” and  the demands that i pick it up, or else I would have to pay a big punishing fee, were all reflections of my childhood:

pick up those false fear thoughts, or else you will pay, and maybe even imprisoned

I can only imprison myself

I have perpetuated the punishment to stay “me”

I am willing to be wrong about the value of this – and to be shown a peaceful and playful healing process

willing to let go of the lodging of pain and fear and identity in my mind,mirrored in this body I call mine

But it is all based on false thoughts

maybe the strongest false thought is the one that tells me that I am guilty and need to be punished – the very thought of separation

remembering to laugh now

I can not lose something I never had in reality, says Blue.Just my screwed up false perception.

Yes,please

Dreams and Awakening

The Son of God cannot sin. He can have a dream about sinning, about being something God has not created – and because God’ power is within him, his dream becomes real for him.And he identifies with the  “me” and”mine” of it, and believes in it. The shame,fear and guilt that is generated is now perceived only to be alleviated by being punished. And if he can and must be punished, it follows that there must indeed exist a punisher – who is God.

He runs away. Of course. Look at him – is this the Son of God? Or is it a thought in the mind that comes from the ego thought system that springs in action when the Son believes in the Tiny Mad Idea?

Now the Son of God can hide in a dream where he can play the roles of predator or victim. And as victim, a way to feel powerful is to promise “I will never never never forgive you.”

Now he believes he IS the victim. As long as he holds on to this identity – and justifies his decision to never let the perpetrayor off the hook – he is hooked into the play. It is completely real for him, he experiences it – just as you and I, dear reader, believe that our nightdreams are real while we are dreaming them.

Now – if all these “roles” that I am playing are real, “God” must be wrong – I must have succeeded in separating myself from him.

1-0 to the ego

*

I am willing to let everybody off the hook: I hooked them up, and there is no peace in that. I am willing to let go of the addiction to guilt. I am willing to let go of the perception of good ones and bad ones, right ones and wrong ones. I am willing to see through this with Christ’s perception.

*

Then:

the feeling of “me” and “mine” vanished. There were fields of emotions and pain and fear – they were recognized not as “my” stories, just “stories”. As soon as they were felt, there was a decision to let go of any attachment to it – they were neutral energy, and dissolved quickly.  As the hours passed, I recognized psychological abuse complexes,  felt certain that these had nothing to do with the Truth of me and allowed the Christ to be the field of Love to embrace it.

Self torturing as a way of living

After the horror-dream yesterday, I had a dream where I shared the awakening with 3 different friends. One ridiculed me, one accepted it completely and one looked skeptic but said nothing.

I contacted the friend in the dream that looked skeptic about the belief that we have a “glorious Self”. Nichola has MS, and has received a harsh Christian upbringing based on concepts of fear and punishment. Blue told me we could work together on weeding out these old concepts of a  god of fear, and we met at Skype today.

I started with the prayer to invite  truth and love into this sharing -process between us, and ask for help to lift into the light any blocks we might have about God as something to fear, and something that punishes. I told Nichola that all that she needed to do, was to be willing to be wrong about her beliefs that God is a God of fear. She said yes – and felt warm glow around the heart.

Nichola shares thoughts that God is punishment,actually

Leelah: So could this MS be punishment?

She says yes – and that it feels like truth,actually. AND she is willing to be wrong about it

Now the glow around the heart moves all through into the limbs

Nichola: “You know, it feels almost like punishment defines who I am.” She starts laughing out loud

Leelah: Laughing – are you punishment, or are you that which is aware of the thought?

Nichola: That which is aware, actually….I had this punishing angry god, and i rejected that god – it’s like I have become that god for myself.Oh my God – I can’t believe it – I have been my own worst torturer –

Leelah: me too. We are not alone in this

And now we just allow the input of loving healing energy to pour through us. It comes as a natural effect from our joint willingness to be wrong about the lies about God – and allowing the shift in energies because of that willingness.

We don’t do the healing – but we have to allow it, choose it.

The rest is up to the Love within.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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