Resisting Love

Anybody who has been abused/molested or has been on the perpetrator side,this is for you. You may just be helped a lot by “When Fear Comes Hoe to Love” in the right menu.

Last night in bed, I wanted to link up with Love again – realizing this is a habit that needs reinforcing to build new neural pathways. Big hiccupping started in the solar plexus, and I saw an intense dark resistance there: I will NOT have any connection with Light!

“What do you need?” I asked – remembering my old work with the demonic 25 years ago. I told it “ I am here for you, I am not going anywhere..”

At once I saw the image of myself in the old garden four years old, that I describe in the Chapter BIRD in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” BIRD is the archetype of the one who sees her SOLE worth as being there for everybody else – and not herself, whom she judges wrong and guilty.

It is the archetype that resists the light – as it is anchored and springs from the very belief that it is the opposite of love, and so would be annihilated by it.

I hold the child who identified with the archetype: now: I got you! This is just a memory – what you feel are just coming from your conviction that you are NOT what you are: Pure Light made in God’s Image. And when you put an “I” behind those thoughts, they become your identity.

I see the energy gestalt squirming and fighting, and ask my beloved female illumines Quan Yin, Aurora, Shekinah and Anna to stand around what I called me, and I ask the Legions Of Light to stand at the very entrance of the Solar Plexus Chakra in the spine – and from there shine their light through the Solar Plexus out of the navel. They tell me it will take some time, and that I need to remember to breathe it all out when I notice the discomfort.

The little one that I split off completely sits on my lap and witnesses it, no longer identified with it – like waking up from a thousand years old nightmare

 

 

40 days in the desert

I am currently going through a process called “40 days” created by Lisa Natoli. It refers to Jesus’ 40 days in the desert, where he committed to sit until he knew the Truth. And all kind of temptations arose around him – manifestations  of the false mind, the ego thought system  -and he did not budge.

When we sign up for this process – guided with daily audios/videos and blog from Lisa, and a Facebook-group to share experiences in – our soul’s hidden unwanted stuff arises too. And if it does not arise as thoughts in the mind, it manifests outside of us. The process is total commitment to hang in there, whatever seem to happen, inside or outside. Accept everything as it shows itself, know that all is good even though it does not seem like it – know that you rest in Spirit/Self/Christ, and allow IT to do the healing and purification of the mind that is creating these manifestations.

Since I started, the energies in the night have been horrendous. Today, from a liberated view, I see that I have been trapped in false identification with fear-stories.

Today, I am almost finished with the Quan Yin book. It feels like I wrote it myself – so intimate, so absorbed in me is her story. I listened to the CD inside the book with the meditation again and again – and suddenly I got the idea to change my usual bed to another bed in an adjacent room. I even changed my direction in the bed: now my head is in the North.

I slept ca 80 % better

In the morning, the intensely charged fear energies returned -and the usual feelings of hopelessness – and then the idea/inner knowing: “since you notice these false ideas/voices, you cannot be them.”

Gradually the false identification slipped off – I was seen to be the awareness of it all. Deep peace and restfulness.

Then I listened to Lisa Natoli’s audio for today. The following is a mix of my own experiences and Lisa’s story to us on the 5th day.

We are reminded to allow everything to be just like it is – “You need do nothing”, ACIM.

Today the exercise is “Telling the true story.” It points to the fact that a human being identifies with the appearances of things – fear and pain and confusion become “my” fear and pain and confusion = “I am therefore a victim.” Since only Love/Spirit is true and real – deny the appearances of anything else. My belief that the crazy energies each night are “mine” makes it my experience – but true it is not.

Lisa shares how when something happens to us, like these crazy energies/pains to me, we immediately start to tell stories about/interpretations about it; “Oh I am not healed yet. I must be stupid who has not got this already” etc. She helps us see how we beat up on ourselves with shoulding and self-hating. “Oh there is more work to do. Sigh, how overwhelming.” No, it isn’t. I am awake, I was always awake, dreaming about separation. Where I lapse, is where I identify with the false voices and thoughts: like “there is something in me that MUST be fixed before I am free.”

The relief of realizing that the shoulding hating voices can just be there – just noticed, “there I go again, no biggie” is a vast relief.

Lisa shares a true story about Myrtle Fillmore – the following paragraph is from the website:

Myrtle was afflicted with tuberculosis at a young age and spent many years believing she was incurably weak and sickly. While attending a lecture by metaphysician Dr. E.B. Weeks in 1886, Myrtle learned of her innate potential for divine healing through the use of affirmative prayer. She began regularly affirming, “I am a child of God, and therefore I do not inherit sickness.” Over time,(2 years) she was healed of the tuberculosis that had threatened her life.

She knew that the appearance of malaria and tuberculosis was not who she was. And in the same way, I am noticing as true that the appearances of raging pain/darkness is not who I am – just the play of Mara, as the Buddha realized under the Bodhi Tree.

“You are LOVE

That is the only story you should tell”

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And today this was in my mail: I love the smile in the desert –

http://www.dailygood.org/ ( see “Painter of the Desert)

 

Finding Quan Yin inside

The old pattern of “dark attacks” are escalating. And so also the help comes:-now the  Levines sent me another book about Quan Yin: The Goddess of 5th Avenue, a novel by Carol Simone. with a wonderful meditation on CD within it. I have played it twice already, and experienced being Quan Yin – which is the title of the first book that Stephen sent me!

All that happens is that a split-off part of the wrong mind has an idea that is unpleasant and it is a stinky idea and it hurts. It’s not serious and it has no power to take away the peace of the God mind.I am not my personal nature – I am That which shines through it.

THANK GOD the body is not equipped to process these strong energies. That makes it so much easier to see the body as the Course sees it: a false proof of a false thought of separation. The identity last night with Quan Yin was real, and all my aches and pains were gone while I did it. Now my work is truly to find all the places that I still carry grievances – write them down and allow this Light That We Are to shine through them.

Even if my body may die from this energy, no harm is done to the Truth that I am, and experienced yesterday

I accept my innocence and accept it in everyone

This is my experience:

When you say “yes” to fear, it does not mean that it is real and dangerous – it means only that you don’t resist that the presence of fear-energy seem to be here. You say absolute no to the stories inside the fear – the content of it. I am here as Presence – and I remember my Creator.I am One with my Self, a perfect reflection of God’s Perfection – and it is from This the yes comes: the fear comes from me choosing to believe in the separation thought, finding the made-up story about the separate me valuable ( more valuable that Reality). I now can forgive myself for dreaming this – and choosing again: I use the Quan Yin-ian cocoon in the meditation to take it in and transform it.

 “Trials are but lessons which you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain which what you chose before has brought to you.”
-A Course in Miracles

And now: truly transparent art – Mitsuko Uchida plays Schumann: Gesänge der Fruhe, Opus 133

Quan Yin

Last night was one of the darkest I have had. I practiced what i found out yesterday, and the attacks became vicious. What was great was that while they were happening, there was no fear in me. But much identification with being a victim of all of that. And feeling like 500 years in the morning.

The last week i have been thinking a lot about Quan Yin – the Chinese Buddha of compassion. Always felt close to me, this one. I remember Stephen Levine talked about Quan Yin’s life story in one of the Levine’s wonderful videos, and the last week I felt a deep desire burn in me to find that story.

Today  – in the mail – was Stephen’s last book: Becoming Quan Yin – the evolution of compassion.

Sent from his sweet self to me, with his greeting: “Treasure yourself.”

Suddenly the attacks are seen in a different light. Not any longer something that I have to push away or defend from – “it shouldn’t have been here” – just something to forgive, extend love into. Not to “improve it and heal it” – to BE the Love to extends Itself.

I am half through the book. I have cried almost all the time

I am blessed

*

Dear reader of this blog: Stephen and Ondrea Levine are still alive, still teaching. One video a month is ridiculous 10 dollars. Please don’t miss the possibility to follow two of this worlds greatest teachers while they are still in their bodies.

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kuan-Yin-Evolution-Compassion/dp/1578635551

http://levinetalks.com/

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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