More door-bell signals

I was working with my tax form, and sensed a panic arising. The door-bell sounded. AHA! Door-bell = ALARM…there is an alarm-energy in me when it comes to being “accountable” and PERFECT and trustworthy for the authorities, or else I will be put in jail ( believes little Leelah.)  Make no mistakes, in other words!

When the bell sounds, I immediately sense the alarm AS energy. I am fully present for it, and it is sheer heaven!

I enjoy it fully, and then go back to my account. – Within 5 seconds, the bell sounds again!

Showing me how strong that “going into alarm-habit” is.

This time I put the papers away and just SIT with it.

Went for a long walk, and the release was there all the time

 

 

Velcro

7 October 2015 Velcro

When Peter and Mary visits, and Peter starts his thunder speech against Christians/bad parents whatever, I sit there silently simmering, because the energy of it feels terrible and I can’t stop it.

But The Course tells me that he is such a great mirror for me – so now, one day later, I choose to deal with it ( in this second, a shimmering colorful butterfly flies past my window, not minding that it is October.) So- what do I hate and condemn?

Giggle – I hate and condemn his hating and condemning

When I resist what somebody says, I make energetic hooks where the others’ energy gets stuck- like Velcro. When I change my part of the dynamic, the other will too.

Pema Chödrön, in her book Fail, fail again, fail better says “The Tibetans say the quality no longer have your nose ring ( because they used to put a ring in the nose of the yaks, and then they could pull the yak wherever they wanted.”)

I’d like to use the word Velcro – the two sides of the tape that hook into each other. Both sides/dynamics are needed for the tape to hold together – and when I drop mine, it’s like when you try to have the “feminine” side of the tape – the soft, sleek one – adhere to itself, it can’t be done – just like the hook-side/the masculine/ can’t hook onto itself either – it must have an “opposite” to hook into.”

Hah! I like that analogue

And Peter and I have a super strong Velcro between us. My (silent) resistance and damnation fuels him, feeds him: what you resist, persists.*

But Peter is gold and I love him – I truly know his pattern is a gift to me. And when they have left (we had a lot of laughs too) I can tend to how I feel.

I sink into the heart, breathe, and wait. Ah. Judging and hating anything only drives it deeper into darkness.

Surrendering the idea that small-me/ego shall fix this – “doing”

Doing by non-doing, says the Heart – just breathe and let it be, admit to your feelings of rage and impotence and let it be – releasing any idea of intervention

It reminds me of what my soul sister Ley does: she reminds herself that (ac.to the Course) whatever she listens to by whomever, already has happened -it is already forgiven and released –and in this mode, she can listen to whatever for whatever time, which creates the healing space for the situation to un-velcro itself – no resistance ♥

Oh oh oh in this moment a little greenfinch lands right on the windowsill just 50 cm away from me, it feels like a caress – and something in the brain lets go – all encompassing beautiful gentle release – it feels like wakening from a terrible and very long dream

 

*

 What you resist, persists / Dialogue with Blue 1997/From When Fear Comes Home to Love

This is the second dialogue I had with Blue. He is addressing me where I was at that time: completely victim-identified.

Dear Blue – please explain the expression “what you resist, persists.” Are you really saying that we should not resist an attack – a rape, for instance – should we just give up all resistance and just lie down and be taken?

Let me explain. When you resist certain feelings, they will repeat themselves. When you resist being with certain people, they will pop up to meet you everywhere – because: those people whom you resist, represent certain aspects of your psyche that you still have not learned to accept. You have judged and condemned these traits within, you have disowned them. Your resistance toward these people is manifesting as disgust, anger and hatred – and since LOVE wants all to be loved, She sends you what you resist and hate, so you shall SEE it, accept that it is there, and send love into it.

 

Release

The reader who has followed me for a while knows that Spirit talks to me – among other ways – via my entrance-light, which turns itself off and on taking impulses from the light outside. And also my energyfield – even if I am inside the house and it hangs outside the door. It always goes out if I am carrying a fear and am not specific what that fear is about and letting it go. When that happens, the lamp instanly goes out – and does not go on again until I have found out what the fear is about and realize that i don’t want to hang on to it. So – it is a great helper to become conscious.

Today was extraordinary: I was entering the living room – and as soon as I opened the door to it, the lamp went out – which showed me that my energyfield had a huge aura with dark matter in it. I am not in conscious contact with it myself – but i know that when this field is there, dogs go ballistic around me and look like they have rabies, and people behave weird around me.

Today, I just knew – this is a rest from an archetype that I have named “Fuckeat” in my book “When fear comes home to Love” ( see right menu.) It is an archetype of fear and violence and attack, and in the morning I was able to BE with some of it for a while.

I did not know that I had not released it – until the lamp went out the minute I opened the door.

I felt wonderfully peaceful as i approached the door and the lamp – and heard myself say” This energy has nothing to do with me, it is a collective archetype, I am letting it go now – and the lamp came on again.”

It felt like standing in a healing shower of love.

When I came home from town later, the lamp went out again. I sensed for any sign, and found only the usual bodily discomfort: aha. From now on, I will remember to actively let this go, when i feel like this. It has felt so familiar – always had it – so I need this help to be reminded that it is NOT supposed to be there.

Hole in the Shitbag

The  teachings are so exquisite lined up for me. Not so pleasurable in the middle of it though-

At the writer-forum, I made a decision that spurred an unbelievable chaos and  confusion, and which was judged by many – and also supported by others, who messaged me: “I am with you to the end.” I used the toxic comments to see how they mirrored toxic beliefs in the mind – one about “passive aggression” struck a chord 🙂 I sure have judged my aggression – I saw that I had  even connected it to being killed, if I let it out. I decided that enough is enough – I would much rather be straight and real than “nice.” Making that decision gave a felt sense of peace and smiles.

In the night, listening to John Mark Stroud’s “deepenings” of The Way of Mastery, lesson 11 a, Jeshua talked about the importance of finding the roots of our affliction, and I prayed to find the roots to the chaos, fear and toxicity I was experiencing. I was taken down to a decision to want to be punished for “my” guilt – it felt like I carried the world’s guilt on my shoulders, and it felt very convincing. I was shown that I had created a dark being to scare me and “punish” me – and was helped to see that this was my creation – so it was mine to uncreate. Not Leelah-mine – it was created by the One Mind behind time and space as a way to separate from God, to truly explore all the feelings that were a consequence of that decision. ” Do you still value exploring them?” asked Love, and no. I truly don’t. It felt like I had found the root of it, and allowed it to be uprooted.

There was also a clear insight of the unreality of this “me” – this Leelah. These feelings and experiences do not belong to personalities or “separate” beings – they come through us to be played out, to be experienced, and ultimately, to be released.We are not limited bodies, we are the Loving Space the bodies float in.

Just sharing this here brings a delicate release and joy

I then had a dream where a powerful wizard like man with a disgusting way of sexual innuendo made passes, and my anger erupted like a fire storm. I woke up, and decided I want to be real and not hide it behind nice: I now know who I am, and Who loves me and supports me – and that They come when I call on them.

And then Love gave me this hilarious sign and symbol on the bus-station:

The shit is out of the pretty-bag

This is a doggy bag. In pretty pink. It’s not inside the littler box, but on top of it – right in front of me, not to be overlooked. And there’s a big hole in it: the shit is out now:)

No more inside  pink sweetness

I giggled all the way to town

Dismantling the costume

Dream:

Sitting with a (theater)costume. It has elaborate seams: hundreds of them, vertical – like an old fashioned corset. I sit with a Stanley surgical knife and cut stitch for stitch, opening all the seams, and in his way dismantling the costume completely.

I used to work in professional theater with my husband. We had both a lot of paranoid traits.

I am dismantling the seams of my paranoid persona – stitch for stitch. It is very pleasurable.

These “seams”…what a sweet metaphor: the seams are “seems” = appearances.

I am seeing that I am cutting them, and that the cutting process is SO pleasurable

Sleeping and  then waking up…

There is a sudden radiant clear insight that what I have all my life- and lives – considered as threats from the outside -or from inside the mind, but not “mine” – in Truth IS me threatening me, attacking me – there is nothing outside the mind -it is confused mind, choosing the ego

choosing to attack myself – punishing myself for imagined sins against an imagined wrathful god…this comes from a perceived need to keep the Leelah-identity as my safety. Here is the very root of my fear:  the perceived need to keep the “me” identity in order to be safe

My only safety lies in resting in my true identity – the Christ Self.

Right now, there is laughter and release in seeing that I have wanted this dance of being attacked and  feeling righteous about it. It seems wonderful silly and hilarious.

The small identity has been terrified of its own choice to be punished

But that choice in MINE, and mine to choose against

I am unhurriedly on the path toward removing this self abuse pattern in the mind –

…( I am speaking the experience into my recorder in bed. Here is a long pause)

I am bathing in a divine Space of Peace and safety. I have demonized my own Self and  perceived it as “other” and then experienced the attacks from “the outside”  –  how impossible it is to be safe as this limited role we have made of our Self –

– the separated me does not exist: there is only a thought about a “me”, believed in – and because this belief is fully empowered and not doubted, the world of separation seems to come into existence

I am willing to see it differently now

I am all smiles

 

Peter disappeard

Oh the beauty of surrendering old thought systems!

Last night a saw that Peter had sent me a friend request, and all the old gloom and doom-energy raised its ugly head. Oh that feels SO bad!So I sat with the energy of it, and in bed  I asked for correction of my perception again and  saw my Self embracing him, right where he thought himself to be.

Today he has disappeared off the Forum/website completely.

That is exactly what we are told will happen when we change our response to the people who we find difficult: either they start to move towards love and share our thinking – or they disappear off the chart.

I sat in the sofa with God, telling him I am here to be helpful. The doorbell rang, the sweetest young girl with a beautiful loving smile asked me to by a Sundaypaper. I don’t like that paper, so I thanked no. Then I realized: by calling her back and telling her I loved her smile i WOULD be truly helpful – in ways I have no idea about. So I did that, and she smiled even broader, and her way of moving was lighter.

It felt amazing!

There was also a strange and surrealistic thing happening last night: when the old disaster thoughts with their accompanying energies came, I got the idea that I did not want to do what I always have done: figuring out what to do that is the right thing to do – going from wrong-mindedness to rightmindedness. That still implies some thinking and figuring out for me. So, all of a sudden, I just started to imagine the most surrealistic  ways to see the surrendering of fear. I don’t remember the details, but I started to giggle and felt a great release just being willing to  think in a different way. And what a different way: playful,surreal, NOT SERIOUS.

And a nice synchronicity happened this morning: I sensed another big gloomanddoom-habit – the one about  writing  the yearly account for my firm. It suddenly became very clear that I don’t need this agony at all. In the same second a ton of old wet snow slid from my roof with a great thunder. What a great symbol of fear falling off

I have already released it

Subtle but huge change the last 2 days in the 40 days process.

1) When the thousands daily disaster thoughts came, something inside KNEW that only could ignore them and go into Stillness. Just writing that sentence is bliss.

2) I have moved from “I let go of that” to ” I have already let go of that.”

This morning, I opened my own book randomly and read an example of how I had let go of some heavy duty stuff. Meeting that stuff again this morning, I was led to open to book, and read exactly how I had released it.

I tried it out several times: I have already released that. It takes away all false identification, and effortlessly melts away. A short minute of yack maybe – that’s all. Nothing to do with who I am:)

Crushed – not broken

These words came into my mind this morning. Clear, calm voice spoke them.

Yesterday several years of agony due to holding on to a false story crumbled.
Peter and Betty had been visiting – and I had planned to confront Peter with something he did here when he was visiting that I thought was both weird and irreverent.

He did it this time too – and the same night was without one minute’s sleep, just endless automatic spinning of the old attack-story. The sensations of toxicity were so overwhelming that I believed I would not survive one more night with them.

So I mailed Betty about this thing Peter did – and it turned out that what I had spun out was utterly made up in my mind, seen through the filter of the stiffened enemy image my mind has used as a lens of true perception.

When all the beliefs that this story was true and said something dangerous about Peter were gone, I could lay down and just allow the toxicity and strong physical pains and tensions just come up to be seen and forgiven and released. Each time a new layer surfaces, I relaxed around it and intended to release it.

The night before – and months before that – my mind had been feverishly busy in trying to foresee what I thought were Peter’s strange acts, which in my story meant that he was projecting hugely on me. This belief was enough to catch me in the old “foresee disaster so you will not get stuck in it”-pattern.

And it was seen as my old story completely, with no trace of reality in it.

This morning, after many vivid dreams forgotten when I woke up, I felt strange. I had a breakfast and threw up. It felt very liberating to do that: I almost never throw up.

Then I went to a matinée, and saw “Broken.”

So much violence – all coming out of a failing ability to open to one’s grief. And all the characters were described in such a way that their helplessness was evident – the bad guys and girls where just helplessly caught in a blind pattern of acting out violence to attain a semblance of control in their lives.

At the end, control breaks, all the “worst” happens, and the ending is happy.

Yes. Not broken. What broke, was the belief in the value of violent defense-mechanisms.

Just as this night, that old mechanism was brought to the surface and truly seen through and related TO and not FROM

Today feels like a cellular re-structuring.

The emotional charge from childhood

This is a quote from the book “The Presence Process” by Michael Brown.

“Praying for forgiveness”, page 209

At this point in our journey through The Presence Process, it’s beneficial to honestly ask ourselves: “How do we treat those in the world who ask us for unconditional love in the only way they know how?”

Let’s remind ourselves that they use the only means  at their disposal: The drive to recreate the resonance emitted by the emotional charge imprinted in them as children when they thought to be unconditionally loved by their parents.

Does our arrogance lead us to assume they should behave differently – that they should know better, even though we realize the impact on emotional imprinting on behavior? Did we do any better? (- – -) Being forgiving isn’t the same as being nice to everyone. It is simply a perceptual approach in which we don’t identify another by their by their behavior – by their imprinted condition.

*

I have studied the Course about 30 years. Using Micheal Browns insight of behavior being caused  by people’s imprinted emotional condition has done wonders – latest today in the bus.

I have encountered this bus driver many times: He may be a refugee from Nigeria or thereabout. He has always been aggressive, and it is hard to understand his language. When I entered the bus today, I felt the same vibration from his as usual, and then I remembered not to take it personal.

Many more persons came on, and he lashed out to everybody. All people answered politely and looked confused, and gave me(who was sitting in my usual seat next to the driver in front) rolling eyes and little smiles.

And then all was calm inside me, and my heart opened wide: this was his imprinted condition. I recognized him as a child who had been terrorized and forced and made guilty, and my heart took him in.

Few seconds after this he started driving out from a bus-stop, and took out a banknote from his purse and showed me: it was full of holes and fringed. He said, and thank God I understood his meaning: ” …he told me this was valid payment and it isn’t!” I smiled and said “you are right. It isn’t.”

He kept driving, looking right ahead – but he wiped his eyes and nose several times. I sensed a softening, a  beautiful release. Remembering the Course – and Michael Brown: “They are only calling for love the only way they know how.”

The next persons coming on were met in such a different way. Gone was the aggression, the fast talking – and the tiniest smile was seen. I saw the reactions from the passengers changed immediately.

When I exited at my destination, I wished him a good day and started to walk backwards to the exit. He stopped me and told me: “You can exit in the front.”

A little terror

Yesterday I discovered something called “The Jacket Technique.” I played the free video and sensed a good release, and felt more space in my mind and body afterwards. We were told that there might come feelings to the surface afterwards to be released – and this morning, in a dream, there was a terror that was felt deep inside my chest, in the holding around the heart. It was clearly one level deeper than I have gone before: this terror caught me for a little while, when awake. Then I practiced – remembering that I am held by the Love that I am – and just stayed with the terror.

After some time I sensed that together with the terror was the mildest gentlest field of tenderness – and I choose to have that as my focus, as Blue was given the reigns over the terror. I felt sweet gratefulness and relief, being helped through this – and given Blue all the control how to remove the terror.

And suddenly I noticed that it was gone.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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