Forgetting the lines

Dream this morning, day 11:

On the Underground Tube, station National Theater, the 2. step of the stairs ascending from the depth, stands an old enemy of mine. (Our first meeting 30 years ago was instantaneous love – and then we split into a pair of mutual projections and hate that I rarely have experienced that strong with anybody else. Later I have been willing to realize that she has reflected deep hatred and vulnerability in me – and a meanness that has a strong sickening effect in my body. This morning it has been seen through and forgiven.)

In the dream, I have been given a role at the National Theater. I am in this(“real”) life a master in taking on roles and allowing them to express through me – but I am no good at professional acting, since there is a part of me that goes into performance anxiety and goes blanc when it comes to remember lines. 

I have just tried on the three different costumes I will wear in my three entries – beautiful creations, red, yellow, burgundy, brown, wool, silk, cotton ; they are so “me!” And deep inside is an ice-cold fear that tells me “you cannot play this role – are you crazy? You don’t even know how many lines you have!” I push it down – and then the woman – whose name means “life” – tells me that I am never going to remember those lines!

I perceive her as hateful and mean and obnoxious and accuse and attack her of this – the old hatred between us is sulphurous – and then I wake up and recognize that she only voiced the fear I would not look at.

I feel intensely and sickeningly  strong my need to project on her, to make her the guilty bad disgusting person – and realize, this is what I have believed about mySelf. There is complete forgiveness of us both.

And there follows of course that I see that I have given my father the role of the insane demon -and my mother the role of the ice cold denying witch. It is clearly seen that I have believed this about myself as a seemingly separated being. There are beautiful moments when full realization comes: what a love they all must have for me, being willing to take on these obnoxious roles.

I felt this release very strong this morning – and also now, by sharing it with you.


Ground Floor

A wondrous awakening is happening. After the nightly session on Skype with Barbara, a knowing established itself: that whatever seemed to happen in thoughts,feelings and sensations/fantasies/pain etc DOES NOT MATTER – it is a dream, it is not real, and I – True Self -is untouched.

I sense an underlying state of consciousness – or level of mind – words are not good here -where I AM with God, as One. I see and experience it NOW as NOW. Sinking into it there is deep rest – and also there is awareness of much resistance in “the upper floors.” That does not matter – whatever goes on there is like a movie, a shadow-play in Plato’s Cave.

What this does for me is removing guilt effortlessly: guilt is from this “level” now seen to belong to the identity of the shadow-players – and extra layer of guilt is placed on most thoughts of the shadow-players. But from the ground floor these thoughts are seen as meaningless – belonging to a script.

The last night was fear-free. Oh the bliss of that! I had a dream that I was surrendering my body to float in a wonderful sea – and in that moment of surrender I received a kiss! I opened my eyes, and looked at my Godfather.

Now, the ego intervened very quickly and the dream turned into a fantasy of my this-life-Godfather fancying me, which was very disconcerting – but when  I awoke, the symbolism was not lost.

Today I was blessed again: seeing the movie Monsieur Lazhar. 

Both the teacher and the class had PTSD – and now,having a “ground-floor” – experience, I saw them all acting out the shock and denial that is part of the PTSD – and it was possible to see all those feelings AND feel them – without getting identified with them. I was crying with release, and was blessed with an experience of complete and utter beauty and truth.

A cry for love

“And so I see the possibility of starting to look forward to “dark” images as a way to find the bits of my mind that wants to hold on to that – as a way of hiding from Love…”

Oh boy was I answered quickly. In the morning paper today, images of persons being stoned in Afghanistan – and a story of two lovers who  were stoned yesterday. There was also a story about how the Taliban whipped a woman before she was stoned – to set an example…

And yes, I recognize the thought system so well: only if we scare you and punish you and show you what will happen if you don’t obey us, will you learn. Fear and reprisals are the only means that will teach you to conform to what WE know is right behavior, and God’s will.

In the Disappearance of the Universe, Pursah says on page 199:

“Never forget that the ego is a killer, so it wants you to think God is a killer and fear Him. The very best way to keep itself going is to suck you into reacting to the script so you’ll make it real in your mind. The ego wants conflict, and if you react with any negative emotion, that’s conflict. It’s your judgment that keeps the ego system alive, but your forgiveness will free it.”

When I read  the article, I sure react. I cry, feel anger, hatred, helplessness – and ask to see it differently.  This – a cry for love?

They believe they are guilty like  everyone in this world. And like everyone, they project their guilt on someone – and truly believe that their God wants it like this.Like everyone, they believe they are (sinful) bodies and that their fear-regime is the only way they will stop the sin, and prevent God’s wrath. Like everyone, their cries for love needs to be seen as YOUR cries, and so you may recognize again and again that this is your dream, coming through you.

The words in blue are coming from Blue of course. I also have another source for right-mindedness: when I find somebody writing something that makes my heart expand in joy and release, I write it down in one of  many little wise-words- books and number them. The few times when I can not hear Blue’s voice(I see that I am too scared,) I forgive myself and dowse for the most fitting quote to my question.  Here’s on that just came:

If they are guilty, you are guilty, and the world is real. Forget your projected images for what they haven’t really done, and forgive yourself for the mind’s guilt over its decision to be separate.

Yes. That’s where it starts

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: