Puppets

The pressure in the night is immense. I ask to know what it is about, and fall asleep and have this dream:

I have to make a puppet for my exam. I have 1 day to make it, and run around trying to find the best materials. It feels like walking through glue, and I find nothing. The pressure lies in me trying to upholding this job of being a puppet maker -in Course-terms, a lover of separation.

Why do I want to make puppets when I can allow my Glorious Self? Oh.Just a habit. And  a habit that arises from a life long struggle to be this Leelah-puppet / a separate me/an impossibility. I saw that well enough in the process with Ilona and Liberation Unleashed.

Spirit, I am willing to lay down my materials. Please show me how to be Who I am.

“The job is to try to be Who you are not. Smile at the futility of the job assignment you have given yourself.”

I am remembering Stephen Levine’s mode of being from the video I saw yesterday. He talked about pain. When he did not know what to say, he shut his mouth and waited until he knew. His Self was speaking through him, but at no point did he seem to be “channeling.” Just – present.

Ego  -or separate self – is never present.

The dream of having to make a puppet head for my exam…to stop “making puppets” is the same as noticing the tremendous pressure when it is here and just STOP and SIT and allow it to release. I have always judged letting go as something I cannot do – because I demanded that it should happen instantaneously – if not, it did not work I told myself (well ego did.) Today, after the dream, I let go, and the sensations rolled through in many different flavors – from cold, to shivers, to sickness – but I needed to be present for it for quite some minutes before it stopped.

I observe: “Now I try to maintain a personality which is not Who I am – now I try to “understand” – now I try to do things right – in short, I am trying to be something I am not: the Holy Son of God. Noticing it, I stop  – become still – close my eyes – waiting for impulses from the right mind. In order to do that, I need to STOP and PAUSE as soon as I feel the pressure – the pressure of trying to uphold a false identity. I will put the puppet-material down: the polystyrene, the clay, the wood, the wire,the plaster, the fabrics, the colors, the brushes,the yarn, the lacker. I need to put it down. Finished.  I don’t want to make new puppets – or trying to improve the old one: new paint, new costume, new shine-up. Making a me, maintaining the belief in a separate me, is  not valuable.

The effort  trying to maintain what I am not results in frenzy. Futile.And the stress of trying to maintain this habit is self-torture.This is a job I have given myself (and we all do it)- to be something I am not -and to do something I don’t need to do.To please an angry god that is myself.Torturing myself. And I do it, because when I step out of puppet-making, I feel the first original fear and take it serious.

See this video: Nina Conti knows about this fear

See – right there where Nina has dropped her puppet and feels naked…

I give this moment to HS. Right now stopping – breathing – feeling the fear energy as fire in the solar plexus.Allowing it to heal. Simple.

My sister recently shared with me how she sat with a frenzied   woman’s deathbed.When the talk rose to catastrophic intensity, my sister stroked her brow horizontally ,lightly,with 2 fingers – and that was what was needed to bring the frantic woman to deep rest and peace.

I allow myself to truly take in, experience, the stresslessness of being as God created me.It  in this stresslessness   is the very non-doing that Kit pointed to in our last Skypesharing:  the key to Heaven. Also called Presence:)

Addicted to guilt

A friend has recently started to attack me: “You have not the faintest idea of how to forgive. You have never forgiven.” My first automatic response is always to think “Oh she must be right.” And then look for “hidden” reasons for her being right.

Today it is recognized deeply that what is going on here is her mirroring to me my belief that I am guilty- and that “I” am buying it, seeing it as an opportunity to feel bad and punish myself.

But there is no separate self – no I.

What is going on is only this projection of deep unconscious guilt, and the field of murky-heavy energy between us – as soon as one of us falls into the old pattern of believing ego’s belief in guilt and taking it personally – attaching the me-label to it. And this is a dance that cannot be danced alone.

As this is recognized, deep peace comes, and the cords binding us to each other, while we play out this old guilt-projection-game, loosen. It is felt very clearly.

Now my intense negative resistance to these accusations melt – here are only 2 people caught in roles and forgetting that they have made the drama themselves.

 

 

 

Watching what is looking

Ilona:
Dear Leelah I’m very happy to hear this. 🙂
So to wrap up this conversation, are you ready to confirm that there is no separate self, I, me? Was there ever?

There was never a separate self, an I or me. It is seen as an impossibility to chop up flow in bits and name them and believe the bits have their own life and will – and it is still seen that that is what humans do. We imagine we are separate, we are playing a make believe game , and words and labels are means to play this game.

What is it that is experiencing?

Awareness. Life experiencing/being aware of Itself.

Is body experiencing or body is the experienced, just like everything else?

Body is included in all that is experienced. There is no experiencer, nothing that can be separated from the experienced. This is one eternal flow/movement. There seems to be parts in it, but that is part of the game of illusion – it is all one glorious dance.

And when you look at what is looking, what is there?

Just unobstructed looking. Verb. A state of being, neutral. No one is looking, never was.

I also met my daughter in town today. People are seen as life expressing itself/manifesting as these myriads of expressions. No me’s anywhere, but I enjoy seeing the diversity in expressions –
My daughter and I fell into one of our usual knots of energy-clashes. I noticed it, sensed it as energy, and humor came into the energy and dissolved the knot. Today I noticed my daughter listening and being presence in a way she rarely is – and I noticed the same in me. It felt like we were just a dance, being danced. Simple, loving.

Love and warm hugs
Leelah

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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