To all those with extreme traumas

I got trapped in an old energy pattern just now, and was led to open my book at random – and to share it with readers who somehow are being led to this blog, this post right now:

Deep pain in the chest.

It yells:

“I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!”

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors into all the body’s openings.By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now

Shame – and infertility

Shame is part of the energy of separation: “there is something wrong with you.”

In the One Mind – us all as ONE -this strange idea seeped in  – that there could be an opposite of this One, an opposite of LOVE. And in the second where we, as Spirit, believed in this thought, separation happened – or seemed to happen

And I –  and we  – who want to wake up to our original state of Oneness – and stay there:) – know that when we identify with the dark feelings/energies, Oneness has gone – or better: we have left it.

Particularly when it comes to menstrual cramps, is this important to know – since shame is toxic, and when we identify with it (this goes for me too, of course)- attach a story about “me” to it – it turns against us and creates havoc with our inner and outer sexual organs – that now have the manifestation of something wrong and shameful and painful attached to it.

We then think it is ours – since we think we are this separated body, and not our true identity, which is abstract eternal Spirit. And what we think is ours, we protect.

So the pain stays until we are willing to consider  what we truly are – and from that Place, talk to that pain, that shame-infected part in the womb.

I  had  a women in therapy who could not have children – and just after a few sessions opened up to the pain that was deeply repressed about being unworthy as woman and shortly after, became pregnant. I truly see the magnitude of power our belief in shame has when it comes to  stopping women from becoming pregnant. It seems to me it is really the womb that believes it must stop life to come into it, since it is so shameful.

If you are a woman – consider how different it would feel to know that the energy of shame is not who you are – in fact, you can relate TO it with LOVE. Particularly  because you ARE it not, YOU can choose to beam Love into it. You don’t do this in order to heal it or change it – that would make that awkward energy of “trying to change things” – instead you are realizing that in the beginning, there was Light – and you were there, AS that Light within the Light.

This collective feminine shame of the womb and inner and outer genitalia – and even sexual feelings – nakedness – is in fact like a curse on the Divine Mother.

We all carry the archetype with us. Women identify with her, men relate to the archetype through their mother,sister and lovers. As long as we women haven’t healed our part of that collective shame, we will carry parts of it as menstrual cramps and  sexual related diseases.

So I was playing with this today, in a session – and  we saw  how deeply we identify with the pain. Instead of realizing that we ARE the witness of it: neutral, loving,all-accepting, who can never be changed or harmed. But because we know that, we can choose to send love in to the pain.

Not to change it or fix it – that intention creates a confused energy – we just set an intention to BE who we are – that Original Light, created in God’s image – and intend to beam a light from our heart into the pain.

We are not responsible to heal it. We just Love because Love is who we are, and we choose to beam this love just because it feels terrific.

And in that allowance, it becomes so clear  to me that the shame in itself is just neutral energy – believing the stories ABOUT it and saying “it is me or mine” creates the pain and maintains the separation.

 

I am not a Tarantula

I just added this to my chapter “Ghost” in When Fear Comes Home to Love. “Ghost” is all about the archetype of Primal Fear – and ways I have learned to defuse it, through spiritual work and work with my patients and students  since 1988.

:

‘Deep pain in the chest:

I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak: “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors in all the body’s openings – by calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now

Puppet on a String

Welcome everybody! Take a seat. You too, father, I want you to sit down. This is not your group, you are not leading it.

Everyone: the task today is to notice your judgments about what is going to happen here – and see if you can let them go. If not, just notice that you want to keep it.

Yes, it is dark in here. No father, you really has nothing to say in here. And Ian – I will not have you lecture me on all I do wrong.

Out of the blue, a vast storm of meanness and vicious rancid lecturing, invectives and sewer language spews out of me. And then, my judgments: Ohmygod now you all see what a klutz I am, I can’t even find adult words, no control, no control at all how utterly pitiful…

Then the evening show starts:

On the wall, behind Father’s Chair, stage lights are appearing under the roof. A small girl – just a toddler – is suspended by a line and a hook that is slided from left to right. She is also bumped up and down, like in a mini-bungee – jumping as she slides toward the end of the line

This can’t be right? She’s just a little girl – where are the theater workers who set this up? No – where is the cruel director? How can they treat a small child like that?

Sit still, group, I will take care of it

“I am right here below you – if you fall, I will catch you “

Without a word she lets me know that she will proceed to the end of the line.

Her costume is cream and white – so delicate – she is one I love with all of me. As she is jumped from left to right, she becomes older – at the end of the line she is about 13 – and I watch her suddenly freeze to ice. There is no child present now – just frozen terror in a child’s form.

I loosen the hook and take her in my arms. I look her gently in the eyes, and gradually she comes back into the body and says, dreamingly “It is so strange how I suddenly became terrified.”

“You forgot that you were just a character in a play” I tell her, and we sit down in Fathers Chair. “You thought you were this girl on a string.”

“Is it over now? “ she asks.

“I have you now” I say. “You are my little girl, you know.”

My father’s face darkens. He looks away, and black puke violently pours from him. I remind the group to watch their judgments and let them go. Let it be. Let the black vomit come out. Let him purge himself.

It is shame. We all know it is. We have all been there. Eons of black asphalt dung shame. Its acidity erodes a hole in the floor, and he disappears down into it.

Or does he? There is a young man standing where The Father stood. An easel with a large canvas is before him, and he start to paint with precise strokes. He knows his excellence as painter.

We see:

Heaven. Vast and calm ocean, not even a slight ripple, mirrors the sky.Horizon almost invisible. Small white rowboat with two persons: father and daughter. Silently fishing on the big ocean of awareness

The Split

I listened to Danna Fauld’s poem on a meditation tape in the night – Tara Brach’s – and was taken by these lines in particular ( in italics:)


Awakening Now
 
 Why wait for your awakening?
The moment your eyes are open,
seize the day.  Would you hold
back when the Beloved beckons?
Would you deliver your litany
of sins like a child’s collection
of sea shells, prized and labeled?
“No, I can’t step across the
threshold,” you say, eyes
downcast.  “I’m not worthy.
I’m afraid, and my motives
aren’t pure.  I’m not perfect,
and surely I haven’t practiced
nearly enough.  My meditation
isn’t deep, and my prayers are
sometimes insincere.  I still chew
my fingernails, and the refrigerator
isn’t clean.”  Do you value your
reasons for staying small more
than the light shining through
the open door?  Forgive yourself.
Now is the only time you have
to be whole.  Now is the sole
moment that exists to live in
the light of your true Self.
Perfection is not a prerequisite
for anything but pain.  Please,
oh please, don’t continue to
believe in your disbelief. This
is the day of your awakening.
Danna Faulds
From: Go In and In: Poems From the Heart of Yoga

 This morning I had a Skype sharing with Kit again. I had not planned to say what I said, but out it came. I told her about my clear impression/inner image of an old sourpuss – and how it feels that he has occupied my body and soul. Sometimes he feels so viscerally close that I smell the old tobacco stench from his filthy clothes – as if he is present as an imprint, just invisible.

He hates and sneers at absolutely everything. And – there is something else, something so disgusting about him –  I don’t get it yet …

Sometimes when he is present, I identify with these feelings, his presence – and feel that something is off, since I am not an old hateful man who stinks of tobacco. But “he” does occupy my nervous system. And – I uttered this vehemently  to Kit- I cannot fathom why I hold on to this soul piece to make myself small, as the poem states it.

Kit points to the intensity I say fathom with – filled with judgment and condemnation for myself. It is true: I have such venomous hatred for that part of me who has subjected me to this foreign male drunk-energy or whatever it is.

So instead of trying to figure this out and get rid of it, we agree that we will just BE with it and allow stuff to come as it will – and not judge my condemnation of “him” or myself for having accepted his energy/soul-part.

The minute I accept and don’t try to figure out and resist, I  am back to being 11year old, on the way back from school on my bike together with a class mate. I “see” him crystal clear now: his old dirty thin long gray black coat, and him flashing it open, being naked, and the red strange bulgy looking thingy between his legs – and me wondering what in the world that was – since I had never seen such a thing before.

In this moment there is an avalanche of energy going through me: I HAD seen this thingy since I was born, both my father’s and other men’s – but now I realize the tremendous dissociation in my mind: there was the belief and experience of a “whore-Leelah” –  and this other, “normal” schoolgirl who knew nothing at all about the part that was considered a whore. This 11 year old schoolgirl now saw an erected penis the first time, and had no idea about what that was. I feel her reaction: “What is that? why does he do that? what for?”

This is the tremendous power of the mind to split, to make separate selves.

Kit tells me she get shivers up her legs  – and then her whole body – when I share this. That’s the sign I need that I have touched deeply repressed stuff, allowing it to be seen at last.

As I now see the image from outside, I see an energy transfer from him to the 11 year old me. Just writing this makes me yawn and feel nauseated: I see this soul stuff, this old hateful thought form/whatever we may call it/ coming into me.

At last this has fallen into place: “he” – who might even be the man’s own father’s soul part -is with me.

What I see now is a great insight: his flashing was the first time this “normal” girl-part saw this sexual part of a man. The flasher is bridging the two parts of me – and only when I am 69 years old, do I at last realize the scope of my splitting and repression.These 2 identities had no knowledge of each other.

And right now I think I have to figure this out – otherwise “he” will stay inside my being forever, parasiting  on me –

“Only as long as you believe in it” suggests Kit – “what if we just BE here right now, until something pops up.”

An ocean of grief is seen. And the tensions of having to be prepared for the worst to happen again and again and again.

Kit remembers the Zen Kuan of the gooseling in the bottle – how to get it out of the bottle? The student realizes “it was never inside there in the first place” – and is enlightened.” Leelah, you are saying that you don’t want him there – but what if he never was there,  – you have experienced it, but there exists another dimension where he was never inside you –

You can turn toward the dimension where he was inside you – or you can turn toward the light shining through the open door.”

 Yes I truly can and will

*

Kit shares about a fall-out between herself and her youngest boy who refused putting warm clothes on when leaving the kindergarten – and her ending up with taking him on her lap in the park and force-dressing him – with devastating results for them both – and how she ended up with allowing her son to walk to the bus in his thin clothes. She shared her feeling of helplessness and powerlessness, and found deep feelings of personal shame. She suddenly thought about the flasher and saw the direct connection: when we do not find space for, and accept  the helplessness within ourselves, we give room for the violence and brute force.

The “monster” is really an expression of our deepest despair and powerlessness, and his act is a scream: “help! I am powerless!” We see the universal aspect of powerlessness that we all share – and the shame comes when we take it personally – when it is all about “me.”

Suddenly I see through the appearance of the flasher. There is forgiveness for us both, for everyone who find themselves trapped within a dark emotion that they identify with.

Do you value your reasons for staying small
more than the light shining through the open door?
Forgive yourself.

*

Epilogue:

The morning after writing this, I have dream. I am teaching in a Waldorf School, and the pupils are about 14-15. But there is a little girl among them – maybe 4 years old. She is dressed in a homemade knitted red dress and red dressing and shoes – and she beams at me with such a joy and love, and comes to me and hugs me tenderly. Her love and gratitude enfolds me.

Yesterday I set her free.

It can be easy -guest post from Nichola

Last session the message was “it can be easy to let go – it does not have to be a long uphill struggle.”

I like struggles – I am good at them especially when I am losing them because that allows me to be a victim as well as a brave knight at the same time. Actually that last bit didn’t occur to me until today.

When we started last night’s session I was feeling ashamed of myself because I had done my enneagram and discovered that I was a 4 – which meant that I have a deep sense of being defective as well as being prone to self-pity and isolation. Of course I immediately felt extra defective and was also feeling quite sorry for myself about that – crying telling Leelah about it – although there was also a strong feeling of light running across my back that told me everything was OK.  The feeling of defectiveness was painful like I was just so worthless – not even ugly or bad just woefully worthless and maybe dirty.

The shame was in my chest and belly and when I looked into it I saw a dungeon with a small window at the top. My father had placed me in the dungeon. I had a feeling he was punishing me for his own sexual feelings towards me or simply for his own sexuality which he repressed and projected onto me. It wasn’t too hard to just let go of that one – give it back to spirit. That’s when we laughed about the idea of a long uphill struggle. I could see that it is possible to let letting go just be easy.

We talked about the victim story being the story of choice because it is better than being the aggressor – in a way the victim is “good” and the aggressor is “bad’. Also, we both have fathers who played that role for us. There are some similarities that allow us to play with it – Leelah described it as something like tossing it to and fro like a ball.

After Leelah’s turn I told her about a synergistic moment I had watching The Simpsons. If you have read the other posts from the last month or so you will appreciate this one. First of all the Simpson family were at the beach at a jelly fish festival. Immediately after that scene, as I was thinking “again with the jellyfish” was a scene where Ned Flanders said “I am as lonely as the empty tomb.”

Last week I posted that I felt that spirit was tapping me on the shoulder. When this happened it felt less like a tap and more like spirit is HITTING ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL!

Squahed centipede

My son I law is 50 next summer. I have planned a gift which will honor him as a father,friend,dancer and Lieutenant Colonel. I had made numerous ideas, sketches and intuitions on some papers, and hid them when he came visiting. Today a new great idea came, and I could not find those darn papers.

I noted with interest how I instantly went into the old well-known mode of hating myself as the first correct thing to do. Then came the disaster stories – and gradually,  the idea that these somehow belonged to “me.” I watched “me” getting really angry, looking and watching everywhere, noticing the sensations becoming murky and acidly in the body. And decided that it was enough of that – and found myself telling myself that I looked forward to finding those papers and smiling and that it would happen in perfect timing.

Then I found myself open a cupboard which was a very illogic place for putting papers – and there they were, on top of a stack of plates.

It took 3 seconds from I stated my new intention to I found them

It is possible that I will drop the drama next time I search for something

*

Now, a dream from last night:

I am cleaning the space around my child’s bed – she is about 12 in the dream. Lots of old dust  around the head side of the bed –  beanpoles, centipedes – creepy crawlies, the Native Indians call them. Both my daughter and I hate hate hate creepy crawlies.

A centipede runs away from the bed – it senses that I am out to hate and kill, and runs. I find a stick and hit it. Again and again. It is disgusting, it bursts, but it still is alive, and I hate what I am doing but in my mind there is no alternative to creepy crawlies than to kill them and the more I hit the bigger it grows. It now has the distinct head of a porcupine.

I wake up

The more I tried to kill it /resists it, the bigger it grows…yes, I just made it real by resisting it. All the self-hatred and disgust that the Son of God has believed is his identity as a separated  somebody is projected into a world of forms where we now can watch what we have created: now the disgust and self-hatred is projected on the “other” – but as our bodies also are just thoughts in the One mind projected out, our bodies also hide our self-hatred and disgust and shame to a certain degree and put it into muscles,bones and blood

What is Cancer, if not cells attacking other cells in the same body?

What is illness, if not projecting our guilt and perceived sinfulness into our body? We have our own crawlies inside as bacteria. Some  are “good”, some are bad – the body could not live without the “good” ones – yet it is just a reflection of the basic ego thought of kill or be killed.

Good God what a thought-system we believe in – no wonder we fear a god who could be thought to create such a world

I am lying in bed and allowing the ravaging pains in the body — and forgiving myself for believing in the first Tiny Mad Idea

Violently repressed and denied, now sensed inside this body – kept there until I am willing to take the projection back and see that it is just a false thought, part of the insane thought system of the ego.

Waves of sickness and shooting pains rise to the surface – is seen through and released

I remember the image of the growing centipede’s body being smashed to pulp and still, agonized, living – but  seen now, although it appeared completely real, it was just a dream.

This is how the world was – and is – made, ac.to the Course: we believed in the tiny mad idea-thought and took it seriously – and then, using the will God has given us with its all-encompassing power, it becomes our perception and experience.

It is all Maya, appearances

It feels like I am bathed in sweet mercy lying here and just allow what goes on in the muscles – not resisting anything of it – allowed now, to be, to be released

And also seeing that REAL, IT IS NOT – just as the squashed body of the centipede morphing into a porcupine was not REAL, but an image from my mind projected into my dream.

As long as we believe these images are real it becomes our experience

It is an image, believed in – representing false thoughts about shame and violence – just as the world is an image of separation, believed in and experienced as real – and I love to notice that as I go back to the mind and forgive the images I/we have made, with the power God has given me/us, the world becomes beautiful

The image of the porcupine touches me deeply, and allows me to see yet another mechanics of repression: outside our home where I lived from  I was 2-6 years, porcupines were flattened by cars each day. My cousin and I shoveled them up and buried them in our garden, and sung very sad psalms for them. It comforted me: my own experience of being crushed daily was reflected in the spiky squashed bodies, and the psalms felt purifying. Now at least, the pain was expressed – and at the same time, I could keep the terrible fact hidden, that it was me that was crushed.

Well – that is the psychological reason. The real reason, as non dualism sees it – is the deep unconscious guilt in the mind from believing we had left Heaven and deserved all  possible punishment

Reminding myself again: it is a dream

And I truly want to wake up and recognizing mySelf as the One dreamer

*

Links to my 2 books on Amazon:

if you click on the titles, you will find more info about them, and may enjoy some of the reviews

 

 

 

The taboo-thing

When Kit and I explore through Skype, we experience that any disturbances in our communication  are immediately reflected in the quality of the Skype-connection. The places where we just don’t click – where we really  are not in touch with ourselves /the other ( same thing really) are faithfully shown to us.

Today we were taking about taboos – the places in our lives where we have decided to stop talking about certain themes in our families of origin, because of the signals we have received when doing so – everything from threats to violence to looks of fear,disgust,contempt,ridicule. We all have these isolated islands in side where the weed grow thick and the underwater wells are polluted and give out a strong stench when we may step too close to its guarded borders.Lets say it is guarded with a circle of crocodiles.

Two times when we were sharing about taboos the electronic connection became weird, once we got the sign that the Internet-connection was very unstable. As soon as we found what was true and was connected to it, it was also felt energetically, and Skype immediately worked great again.

We both shared an example where we had felt responsible for others’ feelings and had felt guilty: Oh I shouldn’t have said that/done that etc ad nauseam.

Exactly when I felt this in my body, a sign popped up on my desktop:

“How to clean out junk on the PC. Without regular cleaning, you PC accumulates junk files that slow down your system.It is easy to get rid of the junk with System Mechanic.”

May I present to you – my system mechanic: forgiveness the Course way.

The main thing to know in this process is to acknowledge that what happens to us, we choose. Before you start to scream and protest, I’ll mention that the part that chooses to be punished and suffer is the ego. Which we identify with, by choosing to believe in the ego-thought system which is separated from Truth – and Truth is here meant as our Self, our true identity as God’s Child.

When we are immersed in the ego thought-system, we find ourselves plagued with guilt, fear and sin.

When the sign popped up, Kit and I wondered what junk it was referring too – and it took just a minute to find that it was guilt – ego’s main building block in its convincing appearance/dream – the WORLD.

We both had a recent experience where we found ourself in a situation where we told ourselves that we “should” have responded different. We thought we “owed it” to the other person – a clear sign of guilt. There were strong voices inside us both that told us that to NOT “help” the other would make us cold, mean,cruel and egoistic.

But is was shown as junk-thoughts – just the kind that ego needs us to think to maintain its hold on our mind and separate it from Love.

There is so much junk in this kind of “helping:” We say inside “Oh you poor thing, you don’t have the wisdom and superiority that I have, and not the potential either. I’d better help you”(meaning “preach to” you.)

What a seducing role that is – “the helper.” S/he helps to feel better. Now Kit and I were shown how in both cases we had been involved in – what had happened  was perfect as it was – and that we can not possibly know what anything is good for.

One perfect thought

One perfect Thought…

A little poem by my brother Bernard that truly tries to capture the feeling of lightness and wonder when we discover how simple this path really is…

One perfect Thought

All I am ever faced with is a thought.

There is nothing else out there.

No lying mechanic, no cheating supplier.
No slow-paying client or unfaithful spouse.
No awful weather, no miserable day, no nagging, demanding children.
No inefficient government employee, no empty fridge, no broken supermarket trolley.
No lack of parking space, no weak coffee, no aging skin.
And no rampant fever or uncontrollable disease.

They are not there.

All I am ever relating to is a thought.

A simple thought about these things appearing in my world.
Oh, they are there. But just as images.
Take away the thought,
The thought of vulnerability, of hate, of viciousness and murder,
The thought of sadness and deprivation, of outrage and despair.
The thought of loss and lack and want.
Of guilt and burning shame and sinfulness.
Of incapacity and hopelessness.
Of failed redemption.
Take away all these thoughts, just let them go,
And what is left is purely an image.

Oh, and something else, quite magnificent. Quite extraordinary, and beautiful.
Take away these thoughts,
And a Thought reveals itself to me.
Not a superficial, insipid and manipulative thought,
But a majestic, illuminated Thought,
One of bounty, happiness and perfection.
A veritable Presence.
Not just a thought, but a feeling, an experience, a Life.
No, even more than this.
An entire World appears before me.
But now a world of beauty and peacefulness,
Where all things lie blessed in a calm that extends outwards
And reaches to all corners of the planet,
All parts of the Universe.

There is no hatred. It is not there.
There was just a mistake, that is all.
A mistaken vision, an awkward, inaccurate perception.
In all appearances of horror, shame and despair,
That magnificent, calm Presence lies waiting.
Waiting.
Patient.
Ever so calm and patient.
Happy. Smiling.
Gentle beyond words, accepting beyond hope,
Beyond all my dreams of acceptance and salvation.
I am saved. I was never lost.
I was an image, and now I remember Reality.

*

Bernard Groom, author of Paulo and the Magician, a guidebook to A Course in Miracles

The undressing room

(For those who haven't seen these stories before: 
First, I paint a painting of max 1 minute. Just allowing the brush to go, no forms. 
Then I look for "characters" and outline them - and give them a name. 
Then I allow a short story to take form, involving the characters in ways that
just comes to me.

 

The Shame Box

 “Whoo! And out of the box I came. I am the bearded Greygreen Shame Googlemonster…I had to get out, she found me at last, in the recesses of her vast storehouse of mind…I am the shame of being woman, and object of sexuality and nothing more -oh the shame of being such a lowlife thing! Yes,lady, you are hiding your eyes from me, but I am out of the box now, and I can’t get back in again.” –

The lady wails, “Why the heck did I open that hell hole, it was much better closed!”

“Oh no no no no no” says Blue Mary at the lady’s head, “We are going to use this for good. You bearded thing looks so monstrous only because you believe in this shame-identity. Now enough already. Just drop into the stream going from the box into the head of the woman – You are in for a big surprise…“

He drops. How sweet to fall and just float – his mossy old slimy hide is softening, and the journey through the circle of incarnations, fluid and shameless, feels wonderful. At last he is at the top – and Mary’s back is opening softly to him, he melts into her  -o h h h h  o o hhh   h   h  – this is not shame, this is golden peace, yellow laughter, juicy play – fullness – forgiveness is what it is –

“Forgiveness is like an “undressing”-room where I hang all my old false identities” thinks the lady –

And then there is only radiant Space

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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