Birds under water

 

It has been there as long as I can remember. A strong pain in the butt, spreading down the thighs on the backside – maybe it started when I was maybe 8? I needed desperately to find a place where my mom and I could connect *- and I found one: my mother and I were in the living room, and a black spider – in my memory as big as a grown fist – crawls on the carpet.

She screams! So I scream too – we can connect in fear! THAT is our connection. We look at each other in perfect agreement of how dreadful spiders are, and how allowed it is to scream when one sees them.

*The connection I got with my mom was via fear. I scream and jump and shiver – just like my mom. THIS IS SAFE.

This is love, I tell myself. I believe I don’t have a connection to God – so I MUST have a connection with my mother. We connect in FEAR – so now FEAR has taken the place of Love in my mind as my refuge. Now I share this fear with another – that is love.

In my child’s mind, this connection with Mom is valuable beyond means. It is life-saving: it gives me a space to connect with her, to bond, and only in this connection do I not disassociate from the daily horrors going on that nobody must know about – my mother included.

My mother always told me “now I get a pain in my butt” – and it is this pattern that I have saved, to bond with her.

I see the pattern spreading backwards through our lifetimes.

What does it mask?

What is it that we both, in reality, scream out for?

I want to sit with that for a while

And also recognizing that there is no room for God in that fear-shared space: we chose fear. Fear and Love cannot exist at the same time. It took the place of God – it became God in our mind. Now fear unites us, and we both deny our God-given connection with our Christed Self.

Subconsciously this identity – this holding on to fear-as-love – seems very valuable in my mind. And it stays there until I don’t value it any longer and let it go.

Like right now

What does it mask?

I need….I need to scream that I am terrified!

And so the innocent spider came into the space between my mother and I and allowed us to bond in the only way we were capable of right then – and gave us an opportunity to express our common fear in an acceptable manner.

The deepest need is to know that God is there to take care of me when I am terrified -*

I look into my heart, and there He is, inviting me to sit on His lap – He says: what you really are afraid of – all of you – is to come sit on my lap. You think you are so guilty – but I do not create guilt, you do.

The pain in the butt feels like dirty acid, and God tells me it does not mean anything at all.

Instantly my fear of these pains – and my making them meaningful and serious – falls away.

I realize that I am moving through layers in the elaborate fear-defense-system I have called Love

Here is an angry voice demanding that the pain shall disappear RIGHT NOW!

What does it mask?

A deep mistrust: God cannot help me. WILL not.

“Allow it all to come into your awareness” says Christ. “Leave no part of it left in the bodymind.”

I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created: a terrified being who has no connection to God. I free me to be my Self.

A vivid image from this morning’s dream: two small birds are living under shallow water. They walk at the bottom. I put a finger down, one of the birds hacks crazily at it as if it thinks it if food. I gently lift to other bird up, it sits in my hand and looks surprised when coming into its true living space. I invite the other bird to come into my other hand, it protests as if I offer it hell. I tell it that it can come whenever it wants to. It then flops into my hand and faints. I place both birds on a soft peace of cloth before me – and the trusting bird places it’s wing over its friend.

In this moment a knowing happens in the child on God’s lap: I HAVE TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO GOD’S LOVE, AND NOT MOTHER’S. She simply CANNOT help me, since she (thinks she)misses connection to God.

The second I share this with Kit, she says:
“The second you said this, I looked at my watch, and the ciphers flickered.”

“She cannot help me.”

There it is: this belief goes through our time -line – and consequently, these are the incarnations we create to explore.

Now I see what the dream was showing me: the hand coming into the water and lifting these beings into their true element, is God’s hand. And I – and everybody denying God’s presence as their Self – are the birds, seemingly trapped in a foreign element, where they flying capacity is removed.

The one bird was ready. The other came too – and lack of trust made it faint from fear.

But all the same – it chose Love

 

*That formatting happened all on itself. In the original Word-doc it is just an italic line like all the others italic-lines – and it does not start with a big T either.

 

 

 

Meeting

This is the kind of therapy I love to take part in: I love to be present and demonstrate who I am. The I here pointing to Self:) The depth – the honesty – the joy of exploration and inquiry – not to fix or have results, but for the sheer  joy of sharing that space. And it is through this honest presence that I acquire the very essential trust from my patients, which makes healing possible – and often miraculously so. I am not somebody who knows what they have to do to free themselves  – my sheer presence to what they are bringing in to the session is transformational, in the simple way that it draws out of the “patient” her/his own knowing. And this is my deepest wish: to allow the patients to find this ever-present kind and loving Place in their own heart – and help them receive their Self.

I am here in this world to meet you- not fix you.

What I love most is the quality of that Space which opens and embraces us both: all that we need is available NOW.

All kind of false believes are seen and dropped into that Space. Smiled at and seen dissolved.

Halloween:ghost and small devil visiting…

The night was filled with scared expectations of how to respond to children/youth wanting treats. The mind went bananas and made the scary thoughts real – what should I do to protect myself from these expected fears and attacks?

Then I had a session with Kit. Oh beauty,oh truth, oh smiles. Without me having shared anything about my fear, she started sharing how she loved the Halloween – death as a costume for play, playing with the thought of death as threatening, while all it is is a difference in perception, a falling away of one form of life into another “invisible one”.  She helped me see that I can see the scary costumes as the ego’s fear of dying.She talked about the warmth of the pumpkin color – the mother-like quality of its belly being lit from inside by a candle – the quality of autumn, the dead crackling leaves, a putting behind, a resting -an opportunity for the slow pleasures: reading. Drinking tea.

I recognized that she was showing me the healthy part of my mind – it was available for my choosing it. And I did.

So – for the first time I went and bought “treats” – jellybeans, mandarins, apples. I made 3 little bags.

Then I heard shrill shrieks and my heart leaped. I opened the window and leaned out to show them they were welcome – it was  young mother with a little girl and a boy. The girl had a plain white sheet as ghost-costume. They laughed and enjoyed themselves. The mother pointed to me and the little girl ghost came running up to me  – and the entrance light* went out.  I heard myself saying ” Oh! You killed the light!” and knew in that moment that no,  a fear in my mind had turned the light off. The little girl danced and laughed from joy and thanked me a thousand times, her mother thanked me too.

Then the little boy devil came all the way to me window. The light went on.:) He was all dressed in shiny black lacquer, with horns – very elaborate costume. Something inside of me relaxed – it had believed in the reality of ghosts for a moment, but this little devil – no.

He just stood there and stared at me for a long time, without saying anything.

“What about me?” he said – thinking I had no treats for him – but I did, and gave it to him.Again the mother and girl ghost called their loud “thank you so very very much!”

I think I thanked myself for giving up the old pattern of expecting attack  – and also truly seeing the innocence and gratefulness behind the ghostly appearance.

the entrance light*

Some of this blog’s readers may remember several posts where the entrance light played an important role in allowing me to find the light inside when fear was present – and the lamp always mirrored that decision. For those who might want to check out these teachings, just write “Entrance light” in the search field.

 

Loneliness and not knowing what to say

Kit is sharing her way of being with her almost 3 year old son – who is in the period of defiance. As she speaks, and pays attention of how this theme feels in the body, she becomes quiet, and a word comes to me: Loneliness. Kit shares a time when a seer told her that there was much loneliness in her family – both in her parents and herself. She remembers being in a small motorboat with her parents as a 10 year old girl, and being overwhelmed by the feeling of loneliness, and at the same time her throat felt like after drinking milk – phlegm was coming up.

I am aware of the loneliness of the taboo of sharing/talking about feelings – and that this is the very sickness I have felt many mornings now – for some months – this is my own loneliness in the morning, when so much is processed in the night – the loneliness of not connecting to oneself. One feels locked inside

This is the theme that is being played out between Kit and I now – we realize that it is not “our” personal loneliness, but THE loneliness. It is the feeling of having our reactions “locked inside” – that is lonely!

Writing this down, the sickness is strong, and I do not need to be personally obsessed about it: just a general reaction in the human nervous system.

“ That feeling may be what Eddie is experiencing when he can’t get his will” – says Kit.

“ And maybe that again could just be the old pattern you took as yours, there in the boat, and now he picks it up and acts out the helplessness and frustration ?”

“It’s like “original sin.” We identify with whatever is transferred from one family member to another, and then we perceive each other as the separated single atom we are not: When we do that, we are not aware that what happens, happens in the field between us.”

Outside my window, the sky is overclouded – except for two bright spots where the light is shining through. It really looks like there are two separate spots – but that is clearly an illusion. The cloud-material just makes it look like that.

“ Eddie thinks he is an atom – and that I am too – that really makes it lonely – the illusion of “lonely” becomes so strong.”

Just like the overclouded sky looks so convincing and makes us overlook our shining shared eternal Presence behind the clouds. We – humans – believe in the appearance of separation.

Kit shares that just before the bus came, and Eddie had howled the whole way, and she had many times embraced him and carried him, he said: “I am sorry, mommy.”

And she told him she was sorry for having been such an angry and strict mom

*

I recognize how lonely it feels to have lost contact with myself – ourselves – on all those places where the old taboo of sharing existed. I don’t need to know psychological details and fix them – I just need to want that connection. -Saying these words brings up a wave of strong nausea. Kit shares noticing a white piece of plastic looking like a human figure who looks like it is throwing up. I notice the metaphor:  the part that wants to throw up is not real, not a “Leelah” – it is a made-up part –

*

I am mentioning a whole life of believing in “evil spirits” – and therefor having experiences with them that seem real -and that I lately have believed that they are not “stronger”: they can’t be, they are just my/collective projections.

Kit tells me that she believes me when I say that. That means it must be true: she heard me as trustworthy. Even though I don’t seem to believe fully in it yet, my words still conveyed the truth.

And now comes a holy moment of great importance to me: it is Kits time to share.

She shares that right now she does not know what she will share – and realizes that she does not need to know.The value of waiting –  give what needs to emerge T I M E  – trusting it. “It is not I that shall create something – that is the illusion –  it just IS created. It is here. We are being dethroned – the “doer” is undone, and  creation happens. The belief that “I” have to do something creative – as a therapist, for example – is tragic- when all I have to do is trust and wait for what comes up by itself. If I believe in this role – that I have to do something, and do not know what – then I become a failure. What an incredibly unnecessary pain…the belief that I could add or subtract something from what is already here – ah, there is a guilt playing in here.

I, Leelah, am starting to see how valuable trust is in the creative process.

“I want to be an Iconoclast!” says Kit. Me too. Let’s shop those icons – or false idols – down.

“I thought that I needed to know what to say. That’s just not true. The “I” cannot know what to do: the “I” is a thought, and thoughts do not think.

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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