About a week ago, a neighbor living across my house told me that our newly rehabilitated roof had a lot of water on it. A LOT. The new drains were obviously clogged. Another neighbor climbed up and had to dismantle the drain-filter, and removed what looked like a bunch of leaves  – and I went bananas. I went right into the old pattern of disaster, and will spare you all the scenarios that I made that “proved” to me that the situation was lethal.

I mailed the leader of the building firm with a complaint. No answer. I called, he told me he would look into it. Another neighbor delivered a complaint too.

Next day another yet another neighbor told me that he had seen the photo of the clog – and it was in fact not leaves, but “noses” from Maplewood.

When I was a child, we used to attach these seed to our noses.

Maple Seed


This was a symbol; somebody was thumbing their nose at me. Hm. That sounded like Blue – or Life. Or “my” process. That meant that this possible yearly clogging was season-conditioned, just a week or so.

The firm leader mailed us back and told us we had no case.

“TRUST”I heard,  but I was back in convincing disaster mode – lost in spinning scenarios about how to “stand up to him, find a lawyer to have my “right” and all that fuss. I knew I was caught, but could not seem to free myself.

Another neighbor mailed him “ how irresponsible!”

I sensed I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to win any longer.  I didn’t want to act out of that separated state of mind.And I prayed for help to see the situation  – and his behaviour -differently…

Then I saw this photo by Ruby Julian on Facebook:

RUBY13235587_634765590014109_2288927018561585728_o - Kopi

I was instantly transported into bliss. This is a Tortoise, perched on a rock, stretching its head toward the sky – and for me, the atmosphere in the image is one of melting in to Oneness. Gravity seems to be suspended –  the animal balances between heaven and earth, and its reflection is crystal clear in the clear water.

In the shower ( where so many wonder-shifts happen) I KNEW: I do not want to see the leader like  an antagonist. I knew he answered as he had because of something that had happened to him that made him stressed – and that this was not his true self.

I remembered how kind and patient he had been all the times I called him – and how he always had fixed things I did not like, fixed it so it was even better that before. I knew  by his voice and manner that he loved his work – and this love and respect was reflected in his workers, who were like him – courteous, kind, excellent workers enjoying themselves.

So I wrote him a mail, describing how I had experienced him – knowing that what he wanted, was that all of us were pleased and content with the result. Himself included.

And sending it, I KNEW that all is well, whatever seem to happen.

No disaster mode.

I had a  Skype sharing with Kit right after this, and found the terrified inner child who thought it was safe to be scared – it was a protection against being shocked, by being prepared of the worst. Kit listened while I talked to the child -“ I love you so much, I so understand why you think it is safe to expect the worst. You don’t need to be afraid any more – but it’s OK, if you choose it.”

Big release: how wonderful it was to hear that being scared was a choice – and that there was no judgment about it.

Our Skype session ended. In the last seconds, Kit exclaims, “Right now outside my window is a waterfall of noses – they spin to the ground! And there is a man with a high-pressure hose!”


I can TRUST the process

I CAN TRUST the process. There may be dreadful energies/feelings in-between – but I will always find back to the state of utter surrender that the Tortoise expresses.

And the automatic judgment of those scared feelings and that disaster-prone child has gone






Begging at the Bridge

I had a Skype session yesterday with a healer who saw a part of me that felt not worthy and not deserving of all the help I have from angels and guides and masters. I set an intention to find it and I did: I was seeing the image of a Rumanian woman who begs in our little town. There are four “beggars” there – the three others just sit there with their papercups, but this woman stretches her arms out after us, speaks in Rumanian, rubs her fingers together and my stomach crawls. Last time she did it, I indulged in showing her my disgust, turned back at her and frowned, and her face was contorting in disgust at me.

The energetic response in the body was hatred, anger and a huge feeling of toxicity. Now I lay in bed in the morning and felt literally sick to my stomach at the thought of having to pass this woman next time on my way to the Mall – when I heard Blue say the word “ not worthy.”

Ah! Freedom: she is a mirror. She does something I have judged tremendously: beg for help to live, to be seen and acknowledged as somebody who needs help. Completely dependent on peoples’ willingness to give her money – or care.

In this moment, gratitude flows through me: all judgment melts. I take my little inner child in my arms and allow her to scream for help. There is a big need to be seen in her worth – not because of any talents she has, just as she IS. I watch the tremendous meaning I have given to my talents – and the need to feel valuable and worthy by being a “good girl” who sees others as deserving, but who pales at the idea to acknowledge her own God given value.

I speak to the begging woman inside and ask for help to see her innocence. Michael is helping me, asking me to bless her in her true Self. Again I sense the strong waves of disgust and toxicity, the strong self-hatred, and also hatred at the “rich” people around her who seems to hate her – and I so own my own hatred at the people I saw around me who I believed all knew what was happening to me but couldn’t care less because I really was not worth caring about.

At this point, I realized that I was inside an archetype, and the cause of this was a thought in the One Mind that it was a good experiment to separate from God.

No wonder the “no worth” -identity is one of ego’s most cherished corner stones.

I prayed to Holy Spirit to replace my false perception of myself – and the “ beggar” – with His perception: all Love and Loved forever.

Now I see the sweet mirror: the Mall may symbolize abundance and Self . There is a bridge between me and Self – and to truly cross it, I must learn to not judge my response to the two beggars there : there is my classroom. Forgiving the idea of man of no value, and the ego’s contempt of this.



Christ’s vision

“Am I safe?”

This was the first question John Mark Stroud – One who wakes”from “The Way of Mastery” asked me to ask my Heart/Guidance in our Skype-session. I was asked to go into the Heart and allow guidance to answer me – and he would check if the answers I got were the same that he heard inside. They were. “YES” was the smiling answer from the Heart. This was not debatable:) I sat a little while in that feeling of being safe – or rather, as the One who IS safety.

Then the night came – worst than ever. I had breakfast and my morning Yogi Tea. The label told me: “Stay pure in the midst of impurity.”

Then I called out pr mail to John Mark in the morning. He answered:

“So when you touched and truly felt that I AM SAFE feeling it caused all that within your being that says NO I AM NOT to come flying up into your awareness. If you will allow it the fear will pass out of your being and the I AM SAFE (continue to focus on this) settle in as your truth. The transition can be uncomfortable.

 To Love and embrace is to allow ALL things in peace, coming to see the neutrality of ALL energies. What we abandon is the ego’s judgments of those energies…as you said “really nasty “fear-imprints/thoughtforms/energies” ” It is not the energies that are the issue it is our relationship/resistance to them and the resistance arises only from ego. Of course you know what we resist persists. That is what we abandon the resistance and the egos interpretations and judgments of all things. The “I Am Safe”  or Christ part of you is always present and always at peace no matter what’s going on inside or outside. That is what all are invited to awaken to but we must first dis-identify or abandon our identification with the ego in order to truly awaken to and embody Christ and live and experience creation thru Christ’s vision.”

As my long-time readers will have noticed, this is what I have believed meaning that I do something wrong in my practice and process.

No – it has meant that after having great mind/heart-openings, this have caused “all that within your being that says NO I AM NOT to come flying up into your awareness.

So last night, I knew I wanted to welcome it.I choose to do it, choose to BE the One who receives. There were no difficulties at all. There were a deep tenderness toward all of fear,confusion and pain, and great great gratitude.

Later in the night I woke up, feeling a peculiar inner itching all over – and some relatives’ relationship came into view. After a couple of seconds of hesitation I knew that allowing this to be there – without having any idea about what to do about it  – was all that was requested.

What happened was a clearing of “my” perception to Christ’s Vision.

A cosmic experience started. I saw, in a timeless now, all and everything in my family that were my projections. All of my relatives had played roles I had starred them in, to be showed what was in MY mind. I HAD CREATED THIS, with the Power God has given His Son.

The process was seen as flawless in its perfection: I saw that all the darkness was included, that had to be there for this one – “me”  – to find What was more powerful than that darkness, and identify with That instead. Faces and details of memories/stories were presented, I could smile to everything, laugh at the utter perfection of all the “insane” happenings that made out this magnificent tapestry of imagery and symbols.

“Forgiveness IS the way from the mind to the Heart” said John Mark yesterday.

In my Heart – the One Heart we all share –  is a multitude of Light-beings who just want to share Love for me. They tell me the more I accept and allow, the more Love there is to share.

I now understand why it was just possible to receive just a little the first time I did this – the subconscious knew about the darkness it would bring up. Not  from “my” mind – from the vast collection store-house of insanity in the split mind of the human.

The Miracle came the moment I choose – truly choose to BE THERE as Love for all this denial of Love.

There is so much Joy available in me now


Quan Yin,Carol Simone and a black panther

Last night I had a Skype session with Carol Simone.

During the session there was deep work done with important members of my family – all dead except a brother – and also inner aspects of self. Simone told me about a black panther with shiny yellow eyes that loves me and looks out for me, as one of my medicine animals. So now I have a white horse and a black panther:)

It’s name is Shiloh

How fun to discover that both Ya Karim and Shiloh are names for Christ – the Highest Love

I did not feel relieved after the session, and did not sleep better – but I had a dream that showed me the end of a pattern of paranoia:my late husband had it – insanely jealous, and took anything as a signal to make me “guilty” – there was absolutely no way for me to make him see his error, that nothing had happened
but in the dream he turned up with this insanity about him, and all I felt was tremendous compassion and tenderness – there was no defenses in me, no correction of him -just being calm and letting him know I saw how important it was for him to truly know what had happened – and after some timeless time his demeanor changed – his eyes found mine, and his hand very softly brushed my hand. This was his acknowledgment that his suspicions were wrong.
This never happened while we were married.
Paranoia healed is not so little achievement after a session

How much paranoia is the masterwork of the ego: the tremendous guilt, crushingly denied and projected outside


Michael Brown describes in his book The Presence Process how every person and situation that we react to, carries in their essence that scary/annoying/irritating/threatening person’s emotional “signature” or charge, imprinted in their childhood. Today came yet another messenger. He came at my door – he was selling withered roses to help starving children or something like that, as the little card he brought with him said. I said no, and he physically shoved 3 roses in my face. Now the fear became overwhelming inside me, and I mimicked that I had no money, only a card. He left.

I then remembered that another man had come just some days ago, for money to poor starving children.

I have just ended the bi-weekly Skype session with Kit where we just explore what comes up with no agenda. As I sat with the energy in the body, I saw the great gift the seller -they both. -have given me: by having such a threatening vibration, they provided a possibility for me to be with my response to that threat in my body. And this body truly has experienced life-threatening threats through many years this life, so it has all the markers, all the imprints. And I can sit now, with my best friend, and calmly welcome the charge and allow Presence – or Blue:) – to transform it.

The wonder of our process is that we both pick up on what our partner needs to see or know. At one point I breathed out in release, talking about the threatening man, and Kit told me that it sounded like a shot! And I became aware of yet another vital detail:  my intense wish to kill that man (and other threatening men) to feel safe and fell free. Acknowledging that impulse sent waves of release through my body.

The initial sensations of threat felt like etching acid inside the body. As I talked about a field of energy like an iron-belt around my eye-area, Kit saw in the same moment a big bird whose eyes were watering. Birds are symbols for messengers – maybe it pointed to the fact that those men’s view or their hard life was polluted- as long as they identify with their predicament.

By doing Michael’s exercises it is easy to discover that we are not victims of our predicaments at all -and as we integrate the emotional charge from childhood – or from just picking it up from the mind – the outer experiences will mirror that.

When it was Kit’s turn to explore, she chose “time.” Within her 20 minute-period, she mentioned an episode from The Lord of the Rings: A huge black spider/woman living in a mountain with the one evil eye on its wall – if I understood it correctly. She explored the metaphor with the spider: how we get stuck in her web ( of thoughts) – how she spins her cocoon around us so we are paralyzed  –  and then sucks our life-force so only the empty shell is left.

Yes – these are the very emotional end energetic imprints in my childhood – and they are also valid for any experience of being invaded, overpowered and raped. These are ego-creations that we believe in – until we learn to see through their illusionary veil, and start the practice to just BE WITH whatever comes up in the body mind with no agenda – and “our” world accordingly reflects that choice.

Kit told me that the evil dangerous Spider from the Fortress with the evil eye /I – impaled herself on Frodo’ sword, and died. That sword was given him by Love – Fairies.

“He” did not kill this force of evil: the presence of the sword of truth did it.

Fear has to go when Love and truth is present.

It was a great session for us both. Kit ended with acknowledging that she did not want to go into thinkythoughts any longer: we agreed that we want our explorations to be simple, organic, and fueled by loving curiosity.








Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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