Resisting Love

Anybody who has been abused/molested or has been on the perpetrator side,this is for you. You may just be helped a lot by “When Fear Comes Hoe to Love” in the right menu.

Last night in bed, I wanted to link up with Love again – realizing this is a habit that needs reinforcing to build new neural pathways. Big hiccupping started in the solar plexus, and I saw an intense dark resistance there: I will NOT have any connection with Light!

“What do you need?” I asked – remembering my old work with the demonic 25 years ago. I told it “ I am here for you, I am not going anywhere..”

At once I saw the image of myself in the old garden four years old, that I describe in the Chapter BIRD in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” BIRD is the archetype of the one who sees her SOLE worth as being there for everybody else – and not herself, whom she judges wrong and guilty.

It is the archetype that resists the light – as it is anchored and springs from the very belief that it is the opposite of love, and so would be annihilated by it.

I hold the child who identified with the archetype: now: I got you! This is just a memory – what you feel are just coming from your conviction that you are NOT what you are: Pure Light made in God’s Image. And when you put an “I” behind those thoughts, they become your identity.

I see the energy gestalt squirming and fighting, and ask my beloved female illumines Quan Yin, Aurora, Shekinah and Anna to stand around what I called me, and I ask the Legions Of Light to stand at the very entrance of the Solar Plexus Chakra in the spine – and from there shine their light through the Solar Plexus out of the navel. They tell me it will take some time, and that I need to remember to breathe it all out when I notice the discomfort.

The little one that I split off completely sits on my lap and witnesses it, no longer identified with it – like waking up from a thousand years old nightmare



Tangled timber and emotions

Yesterday I described how I made a new choice  – to let go of the belief that I can be harmed by electronic energies. I allowed the installation of a new smart-card-reader–el.power meter, which has been believed to be  harmful.

Before the new meter came, I had a shield taped to the old one – the kind that is imbued with energy to deflect harmful radiation of any kind – PCs, cell phones etc.

After the installation guy had left, that shield lay on the floor.

It was NOT attached to the box he worked on, but the door to the cupboard where it was placed.

The old identity felt fear, and I wondered, hm, is this really necessary – when there are no harmful rays here – hm am i just trying to maintain the old pattern?

So I decided to try it out: i removed the old tape ( that had held it glued to the door for 20 years) and glued on a fresh one.)

Today it lay on the floor.

I felt such a sweet laughing inside

And I decided that its time to CLAIM my freedom and awakening: I AM awake -and to lose the connection can only happen when I give something inside priority instead.

Yesterday I had a wonderful time in town with my daughter – finding a new food shop with fresh ecological food and a great movie.

The second I sat down,  strong cramps in the solar plexus started and I heard: “Pay attention to the imagery and symbols in the movie.” I remember last time i had these cramps – they lasted three days, and what healed them was an old shaman friend who removed a psychic “sword” in that section.

This time I knew this happened  for me, not against me, so i breathed through the pain while watching the movie.

In the movie, there was log driving / timber floating – and there were images where huge timber tangles has to be worked loose.

I saw the symbol of this huge timber tangle as an image of how our false beliefs are held in the water/our hara-center and affects the free flow of emotions/water.

Then the main person – a young boy – leaps in the water and swims under it and somehow finds the way to untangle it. The moment when it fell apart and harmoniously flowed down the river was felt throughout my whole being and body.

I saw how one false belief – “I am not worthy enough” created hundreds of others that clings to it as a cluster:

“There is something wrong with me” – I am alone – I must be valued by others etc.”

Now I am even more determined to undo the tangle I have called me and mine


massive guilt exposed and forgiven

I awoke with piercing pains in my solar plexus. It reminded me of pains in this area before: crazy pains for days. This time  I feel certain that it is the same theme, but much closer to the surface.

So I relax with it. Sit down, sink inward, willing to connect.

I think of my daughter and me: I gave her some poems for Christmas – written by me – to some easter eggs she had made.I later got the idea that she owed me to tell me how she liked them…fishing for praise.Those thoughts did not feel good: I knew that when  I feel I “have to” have proofs of validation and love from somebody outside of me, I am on the wrong track: ego is vying for supremacy.

I told myself that I did not need her to tell me ( or praise the poems) but it seemed that my psychology did not agree with my thoughts.

I opened the Course:

LESSONS 361 to 365.

This holy instant would I give to You. Be You in charge. For I would follow You,certain that Your direction gives me peace.

W-pII.361-5.1. And if I need a word to help me, He will give it to me. 2 If I need a thought, that will He also give. 3 And if I need but stillness and a tranquil, open mind, these are the gifts I will receive of Him. 4 He is in charge by my request. 5 And He will hear and answer me, because He speaks for God my Father and His holy Son.

As I sank into the depths of the pain, I saw that I was trying to make her guilty. I opened the Course randomly:

V. The Choice for Completion

T-16.V.1. In looking at the special relationship, it is necessary first to realize that it involves a great amount of pain. 2 Anxiety, despair, guilt and attack all enter into it, broken into by periods in which they seem to be gone. 3 All these must be understood for what they are. 4 Whatever form they take, they are always an attack on the self to make the other guilty. 5 I have spoken of this before, but there are some aspects of what is really being attempted that have not been touched upon.

I am attacking myself. It sinks in. Slowly tears come. The pain lessens immediately.

T-16.V.2. Very simply, the attempt to make guilty is always directed against God. 2 For the ego would have you see Him, and Him alone, as guilty, leaving the Sonship open to attack and unprotected from it. 3 The special love relationship is the ego’s chief weapon for keeping you from Heaven. 4 It does not appear to be a weapon, but if you consider how you value it and why, you will realize what it must be.

T-16.V.7. Most curious of all is the concept of the self which the ego fosters in the special relationship. 2 This “self” seeks the relationship to make itself complete. 3 Yet when it finds the special relationship in which it thinks it can accomplish this it gives itself away, and tries to “trade” itself for the self of another. 4 This is not union, for there is no increase and no extension. 5 Each partner tries to sacrifice the self he does not want for one he thinks he would prefer. 6 And he feels guilty for the “sin” of taking, and of giving nothing of value in return. 7 How much value can he place upon a self that he would give away to get a “better” one?

I see clearly how much I have clinged to  having others being guilty – and how much manipulation lies in it. And I remember my best friend as children: it seemed to be a partnership where I was the leader. When we as adults were dining out, the waiter always came to me first. I had no idea why then – but now i see that we played this game: I get to decide and you get to follow. I sense how transparent this collusion was to me.

She couldn’t take it any longer 30 years later, and exploded. And only now can I get in touch with all the invisible unconscious ways the “leader” weaved the leading net around the leadee – who silently unconsciously consented.

Suddenly a thought of an obnoxious man from a workshop came into my mind. We ( I was not alone in feeling this) could sense him spinning cords to our solar plexus and dragging us in, sucking our energy. A perfect energy-vampyre. People around him – me included – felt intense rage.

Now i see that in my mind, I subconsciously  may do the same energy-dance of manipulating when i am to afraid of asking for what i want, and “get” people to give it to me by manipulating them subconsciously and energetically.

I feel no guilt about that at all. Slowly I sense the forgiveness for Ulrich coming up: we were both just afraid, and caught in the same pattern. When we know better, we do better.

That was what removed the last traces of the pain. It has been impossible to not hate and judge Ulrich – until I see that it is in me too.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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