Dawn

A most remarkable miracle happened during the night and morning. The main theme to be healed in this life – the tensions between the polarity of “Victimizer/Perpetrator” and “Victim” seem to have transformed.

This is the main theme in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – the dance of Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the different archetypes that we are influenced by in all their variations. The most unpleasant aspect of doing that dance is the feeling of being possessed by the other part energetically and mentally – while knowing, with the help of A Course in Miracles’ metaphysics, that this pattern is in my mind, being played out for me, and I (as mind outside time and space) have dreamed it up, and that I can allow it to be erased.

I have to mean it with all of me!

Guess how many trillions of time I have done my best to do that – ahh – and this night, I succeeded in reaching deep inside this bodymind to reach a part of that terrified child. I found her, found what she was telling herself, loved her completely and utterly, forgave myself for making it up, and prayed deeply for help to see this whole dance with the eyes of Christ.

I saw the last man – that I had a strong hook with – with Christ’s vision, and the Love in him, as the One Son of God , was tremendous.

And this morning, the hook was gone. The old energized hook/cord with sickening “mean” energy simply was not there anymore – it felt like it never had. All cords to and from the man had gone, and my thoughts about him now are neutral.

I am grateful beyond description

Thank you beloved Blue for never leaving me, taking me always step for step deeper into the very core of the story/energy stamp – and out again

 

Precipice

Dream:

I am standing with a small group of people who I am leading by bike on the way home. We find ourselves on the top of a vertical mountain wall, at least 100 feet tall. 

I wake up with the awful feeling in my body – “we can’t get home.” I think of Carlos Castaneda who came to a precipice with his teachers Don Juan and Genaro, got the command “jump!” …and he did , and found himself transported to another landscape completely.

Suddenly it is clear to me that I am the dreamer – and I/choosing ego as my teacher/ dream up limitations between me and freedom – and then believe in the convincing appearance of what I have created – and the laws of the separated world I have created (“I” meaning the Son of God beyond time and space.)

Now I go to the mind and forgive my fear of love and my choice for separation – and Blue asks me if I am ready to look at and be with some of the blocks I have chosen to place between me and awakening? not needing to re-live – just being willing to be OK with all the images – and if I sense feelings in the body while doing this, just being with them?

Sure!

Really disgusting images come – they are experienced from Presence, easy to forgive and put on the altar – then there is an image of something I found disgusting about my mother at her deathbed. Blue is telling me to do something with it, and even though I think I will die from disgust, I do it – and suddenly my mother is alive and for the first time in my life she is completely present and blesses me and thanks me a thousand times – seeing what I did as a strong sign of love that brought her out of a limbo she has been living in since her death. A little like when the Prince awakened Princess Rosebud after 100 years sleep –

The feeling of being with her soul, free from her role as mother is exquisite

There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Had a lot of resistance yesterday. Noticed it while it happened – judged it – yuck. Dreams with failing connection to taxis that should bring me home

Let me remember that I am Home, and that ego/me cannot come Home

Session with Kit yesterday:

We find out how vital it is to NOT come too late to our session: not let “anything else” prevent us from meeting up, fresh, rested, prepared. I notice that I often go to my mail right before we start – I think I have to deal with it before our session to save time, “I’ll only…” I tell myself – bullshit – oh the pain right under the Crown Chakra when I believe this stress-thought. I actually seem to believe it is VERY important to get that mail done right then.

It is not important AT ALL. It is absurd

NO: I need to sit and breathe and be present, to honor my connection with glorious Kit and the glorious work we do together – and I prepare for it by just sitting and being.

Now ego is telling me that I use up too much space here with all these spaces and line-shifts – let me just realize that I have boundless space at my disposal.

I want to share with Peter how important for me it is to speak out – and how strong brakes there are on that. This is what I am going to do, Peter – that gives me grounding.

We are sharing stressed situations with clients – and exploring what happens when instead of sitting with it as it is NOW, we try to “deal” with it: it creates guilt, shame and judgments. We feel we are being painted into a corner when we do not have a solution. It creates desperation. “I don’t know any way out of this stuck place!” we say and try to DO something – but just recognizing the blind alley IS the way out – to stay there and WATCH IT. Kit sees an image now: some “green doors that seem to be good ones to go through – but they are pitfalls – you go through and you lose your footings.Then there is a feeling of burning under my feet if I stay – but that is a purification.I see how meaningful it is to just BE with the unsolved situation.”

Allow the “push to fix” to rest – allow the solution to come organically. It will come, when we don’t judge

Kit says: It is Heaven to BE with it – and Hell to try to fix it and be the one who fixes it.

I take a quick trip out of the room to tape a radio program. The first words I hear the announcer say, is: “ A journey through the Heavens – but also through pitch-black Hell.”

 

Today, 5.July -2014

I am working with this lesson 163 in the Course: Death is a thought which takes on many forms, often unrecognized. It may appear as sadness, fear, anxiety or doubt; as anger, faithlessness and lack of trust; concern for bodies, envy, and all forms in which the wish to be as you are not may come to tempt you. All such thoughts are but reflections of the worshipping of death as savior and as giver of release. A Course in Miracles; Lesson 163 – There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Death is the separation thought: that I CAN be without God.

I was listening to Lisa’s audio this morning on week 17 in our training program. I had strong pains in the left side of the body, realized that they were an impossibility in reality, that they were my creation from an identification with ego – and suddenly the mp3 player stopped transmitting sounds. I fiddled with it for a minute and remembered that this means that right now I need to do nothing: just BE with the resistance that is manifesting as this electronic block to listening. I recalled two days ago when both lawn movers died on me- the electricity worked, but not the machines. I realized the sign and just stopped trying to fix it.

Then I fell asleep and dreamed, and when I woke up, it felt important to remember it. I asked for help, relaxed and got nothing. I then listened to the now functioning mp3 player, and came to the place where it had zonked out: Lisa said “ the only appropriate reaction to a Son of God is appreciation.”

AH! Lightening! I realized that I had judged myself when it stopped – just as I had judged myself and the situation when my lawnmowers had stopped working.

Now I instantly approved of myself  -patted my shoulders, stroke my cheeks, talked loving to myself. And NOW I remembered the dream! I could not hear BLUE as long as I was angry at myself and judged myself – as long as I chose fear, Love is not available. The anger was invisible – as long as I identified with it.

The dream showed me in the common state of returning Home – and once again I had too much luggage, and I could not find it. I found only one small rucksack – WHITE – it contained a water bottle and another essential items on the journey: a small journal and pen. All was shining new.

(My old red rucksack is 55 years old, people – time for a new white one!)

Dream-Leelah did not understand that the new white rucksack IS hers. But I do. And there are delicate drawings in it: It points  me to do drawing again each day. I just finished yesterday a big art-project that has taken ½ year, and yesterday I received in my mailbox a book I ordered some months ago:

The awakened eye: A companion volume to The Zen of seeing, seeing/drawing as meditationby Frederick Franck(1979)

Excellent timing once again.

I will draw small things – details: snails. Straw. Grass. Flowers. Twigs. Seeds!

And now – connected to the Self with Joy and gratitude – does the pain seep out, seen as an impossible idea.

And it came back – and I know it is an impossibility from the Place I rest in – so it goes again. And then there is the thought “but what if -“and it returns – could it be clearer? It comes back because I just gave power to the belief of the possibility of “what if -.”

I created it by believing in its possibility.

ALL the power rest in me – what do I choose? What do I WANT TO choose?

The mind cannot oppose Truth and God, but it CAN pretend it is sleeping. Today I will observe where I go asleep – and chose again

Massacre in the mind

The last three days I have had dreams about massacres, stalkers and such – dreams from the collective unconscious. The entrance-light helped me find the reason for the fear: it (the lamp) went out and I asked to find the root of the fear. Instantly I knew: massacres. And instantly the light went on.

What a help this was: now I was prepared for massacre-dreams.

This morning I was inside a massacre with machetes in Africa, saw, smelled, watched and listened. There was a huge naked African in front of me, his body was scarred, he was naked and hairless , and I felt and sensed both his energy and my fear of being discovered and hacked and slaughtered. We shared FEAR itself as energy.

I was also threated by the size of his erected penis. To me, who has a pattern of identifying with the (rape-)victim, it says only one thing: I WANT AND I TAKE WHAT I WANT

Later in the session Kit helps me see another vital aspect of this strong masculine limb and desire: I WANT TO CREATE AND EXPRESS!

How much I – and all rape victims – have denied that healthy masculine push within ourselves – seeing only the crushing dominating part. A great balance has happened within my mind.

Although I identified with the victim in the dream, when I woke up it was clear that this is far from personal. I might have participated in massacres – I think we all have, at some time – but what started the massacre is a thought in the mind that believes that the separation has happened and that we are on our own – without God.The Course metaphysics states that it in fact we /the Son of God as One -believed we had killed off God. Then, in the mind, an experience is created – kill and be killed – killer and victim – guilt and sin – duality. And since we are as God created us – pure creativity with unlimited power to create whatever we believe in – the massacres manifest in this world, where everything are projections of images in the One mind – believed in.

Jeshua – Jesus – and other masters constantly remind us that the world is illusion – and what we seem to see and experience is a hologram, powered by our belief and our wish to experience all kind of stuff.

So today, in a sharing session with Kit, I re-enter the machete-killing-dream – I sit with the energy of the massacre – knowing that there is nothing to fear, it is an image, and only in my mind can it be healed.

I choose to use the forgiveness-structure that Jeshua taught Jayem in The Way of the Heart.

Where in myself can I find this lust for violence? Oh, no need to look far. I have wanted to mutilate and slaughter “the guilty ones” for sure.

“I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created. I embrace you, and I love you. And I free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.”

I forgive myself for wanting to murder and mutilate and kill. I forgive my judgment of myself, and for identifying with this terror-energy

“What is the attack masking? What are they really crying out for?”

Love – to embrace them and comfort them and make them feel safe and autonomous – free to live without hatred.

I ask to see the innocence of his soul. The light envelopes him. Now his eyes are alive with awareness.

*

In the next dream, I am being stalked by a western variation of a killer. I flee for a long while until I think about stopping and facing him and loving him. Instantly he turns into a child, who adores me.

 

Sitting with God this morning –

The first thing that presents itself if “How can I ever trust God completely – remembering all the times in beautiful surrendering, Love flowing in – and then  suddenly Heaven turns itself into hell, where that one who was recently my dear companion turns  into a demon that devours me?”

How?

After this question, there comes awareness of how defense-patterns have taught me to constant be on the lookout for signs that this “switching” in the other person is about to happen: I sense it energetically and via changes in their facial expression and voice. I trained myself to instantly split my consciousness and dissociate.

And the body still carry this habit: being close to God/bliss means that hell is about to happen.

What a conditioning!

The thorough training in not being present during abusive attacks – and the premise that the attacks are real, and not a projection from my mind – and therefore the healing must happen in the mind FIRST – the ROOT must be uprooted

What a tremendous control I have established as my “protector” – expecting the worst, looking out for it, always.

Control = con troll 🙂 – meaning colluding with ego, or what a friend called “Taz” ( for “Tasmanian devil)

I see it now, with a giggle

You are showing me  the basis of all these dreams of being attacked:

A thought that God  – our true Essence of Love and eternal Peace – CAN turn into a Devil who will devour you and crush me – again and again.

While I speak this into my little recorder, the dark clouds outside my window become transparent and the sun flows in

“And this is the thought you have repeated in a majority of your incarnations” says the Voice  – “and thereby fortifying the identification with Taz, in its victim-part. You have also learned *that all these attackers  also have had  outstanding beautiful qualities: extreme sensitivity, almost all of them, and a majority are great artists or  pioneering persons in different fields of society – and they all have this ability to split off their Mr.Hyde-part from their kind Dr.Jekyll.

You made the assumption that to have the ecstasy of creating freely, following the blissful process of creativity, you had to accept the dark side and become a victim of it.

At the base of all of this is the thought that God can change into your worst enemy and stalk you and destroy you – which is exactly what the Son of God thought happened at the  seeming moment of separation, believing the impossible Tiny Mad Idea.”

Feelings of guilt and sin comes in waves –  it feels wonderful to know that these are just bodily memories based on false thoughts: just errors. I see how completely natural for the Taz-mindset it was – and IS – to believe in and identify with sin, guilt and fear –  the mind’s  unholy trinity. I see how intrinsically those dark qualities are assimilated in the mind of the dreamer and its dreamed-up 3 dimensional figures.

God turns into the devil – because by believing in the TMI, YOU think you have turned into the devil – and you now project it  into your image of God. This is the god many Christians believe in – he wants to be feared, and he burns down villages and turns people into salt if they don’t follow his rules. By believing in this God-image, this story, this is the god many humans have experienced for millions of years.

I have faithfully played out my story for innumerable incarnations. I have hung on to the Silly Mad Idea for eons and I surrender it  and allow You to correct it. All that is here are appearances. They are not real.

I look at this me/Taz that is hypnotized by its story and want to keep it. Strange. But there it is. Luckily I have learned that not judging this means that I have forgiven it.

*( through my investigation  in my therapy/healing-practice  with my book – “When fear comes home to Love” – see right menu

The old poisonous story

This night, I saw through the pattern of being “unjustly treated,” “disrespected.”

I saw how I have projected this pattern  –  this part of “my story” – on clients and others (included rapists and insane people from childhood): No – Leelah has not done that – egomind has, in order to secure its status as separate, special, master of its own destiny. It’s not that I attract them – its that I immediately project this story on them and myself, in order to keep my separated self intact. The story is of such magnetic/vibrational magnitude because it is the main story of the world: the innocent victim and the guilty violator.

The projector is me: what a relief to see  that I am “dreaming” this whole story up and making it real, believing in its very realistic appearances and pains.

It is not real: God has never thought these thoughts. It has never happened in reality – in Heaven.

How can I not be respected? I am a reflection of God’s perfection, created in his Image.

I forgive myself for dreaming this impossible dream and for taking the innocent role-part.

I am done fighting Love in this way – how beautiful to just relax into the knowing that I am innocent, and so are the role-players of perpetrators. The degree of perversion and “evil” means nothing: the original pain and fear in the mind came from the Son of God’s belief that the Tiny Mad Idea was real.

I forgive myself for making you act out, so that I can keep my story of “me.”Keep the specialness going.

Holy Spirit, thank you for showing me the complete insanity of the egomind. I don’t want to do it any more.

 

Dreams and Awakening

The Son of God cannot sin. He can have a dream about sinning, about being something God has not created – and because God’ power is within him, his dream becomes real for him.And he identifies with the  “me” and”mine” of it, and believes in it. The shame,fear and guilt that is generated is now perceived only to be alleviated by being punished. And if he can and must be punished, it follows that there must indeed exist a punisher – who is God.

He runs away. Of course. Look at him – is this the Son of God? Or is it a thought in the mind that comes from the ego thought system that springs in action when the Son believes in the Tiny Mad Idea?

Now the Son of God can hide in a dream where he can play the roles of predator or victim. And as victim, a way to feel powerful is to promise “I will never never never forgive you.”

Now he believes he IS the victim. As long as he holds on to this identity – and justifies his decision to never let the perpetrayor off the hook – he is hooked into the play. It is completely real for him, he experiences it – just as you and I, dear reader, believe that our nightdreams are real while we are dreaming them.

Now – if all these “roles” that I am playing are real, “God” must be wrong – I must have succeeded in separating myself from him.

1-0 to the ego

*

I am willing to let everybody off the hook: I hooked them up, and there is no peace in that. I am willing to let go of the addiction to guilt. I am willing to let go of the perception of good ones and bad ones, right ones and wrong ones. I am willing to see through this with Christ’s perception.

*

Then:

the feeling of “me” and “mine” vanished. There were fields of emotions and pain and fear – they were recognized not as “my” stories, just “stories”. As soon as they were felt, there was a decision to let go of any attachment to it – they were neutral energy, and dissolved quickly.  As the hours passed, I recognized psychological abuse complexes,  felt certain that these had nothing to do with the Truth of me and allowed the Christ to be the field of Love to embrace it.

No need for judgment

In the shower, I notice a spot on the back that itches. When I scratch it, it gets a crust which I scratch off and then it itches again. Infernally. So I at least got that there was something here that wanted my attention. This is something I have not been willing to let go of. Something that is connected to what I call “me.” The Course tells me that I am not the body – but I hear , darn it, it was me that experienced all that heinous shit when I was little – it was MY body it happened to – it was THIS body it happened to. I have explored where evil comes from, and I am right that this is my body!!!

And now comes  a major turnaround in my mind:

Blue tells me that the intense feeling I experience now – “I AM RIGHT! THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE!” is a collective  belief that does not belong in a mind of Oneness – where there are no me’s. Everything in this world – including media – reflects the “laws” the Son of God = all of us –  subconsciously agreed upon to make us stay within the illusion of separation. These laws reflects the polarity in ego’s world: good and evil, right and wrong, pretty and ugly, smart and stupid. Gravity is one of the laws – and it works only because we subconsciously have agreed on believing in them. The same is true regarding time and space: both concepts in the ego thought system. For Spirit, none of these laws  are valid – and we are Spirit, believing we are humans, identifying with the dream we are dreaming. The “we” not being humans, but Mind outside time and space.

This means that I don’t need to attach a me to any ego-thought/belief at all – and poof, there goes all my perceived need for judgment.

Showing up as the Glorious Self

 

Going to bed, I take a glimpse in the note-book beside my bed. I have glued helpful Course- notes in it. I find this from Nouk Sanchez blog: February 20th 2013

“I took myself back to that dreadful scene with the baby. And revisited that moment, in blind terror, where I abandoned both the baby and myself. This time, I was not alone. Spirit was with me.

Here, I wanted to see the essence of what I so badly desired to flee from. I wanted to see what I was resisting. “Spirit, show it to me so it can be brought clearly to the light and released. And let me revisit this dream, only this time let me do it with Love. With a full heart and infinite courage. Teach me, show me, guide me.”

I took myself back to that moment of terror, seeing the baby so helplessly suffering in pain. My grief was overwhelming. “How on earth can I look past ‘appearances’ that are so utterly convincing? What can I do?” I asked Spirit. And suddenly I knew.

To come with wholly empty-hands and open-heart to this present moment. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace. And I broke down and sobbed, asking for God’s Loving Will to completely eclipse my mind and heart. More than anything, this is what I wanted. I desired my mind to be healed. Dropping to my knees beside this baby, my surrender melted all illusion. And I knew that we were joined in the blazing light of His Grace. In my defenselessness…I had “Willed with God” in that instant.

Fear disappeared. And Love was all there was. The baby and I were one in that moment. There was no Nouk and no baby. All that remained was what had always been, but I did not recognize until now. Love.”

Somehow I read: “Meeting up in your full Glory.” The words sank softly into my mind.This is what is called for.I know it is Truth.

About 5 am I wake up from a dream. I was walking through an area with a friend where I felt terror and agony emanating from the ground. I stand still and allow myself to pick up what has happened: little boys have been abused and used in satanic rituals. The abusers enjoyment of the boys’ terror is also present – + the collective judgments of such acts and such feelings. I share what I feel with the friend, she denies my sensitivity and belittles me.

I wake up, body saturated with terror and disgust, and ask “Will there ever be an end to such dreams for me?”

I hear Holy Spirit’s calm clear voice: “All that is needed in this situation is that you meet up in your full glory. Meaning that you know Who you are. It is impossible for the Holy Son of God to be without Source/His Creator. He has never moved outside the Thought That created Him.”

In this moment, there is no doubt at all in the mind: I cannot be without my Identity. It is evident. In this moment, I realize that the agonized experience I had in an earlier incarnation – where my soul  was taken and used as an instrument for “evil” –  is just a thought, believed in because of the appearances. And whatever the Son of God believes in, appears to happen.

Thank God it happens just in the Dream of the ego thought-system, where we believe ourselves to be.

I am awake now – seeing the utter silliness in the thought that we can be something that we are not. The body is reflecting the right-minded thoughts: There is a warm light flowing through me, from head to feet, spreading  to the limbs.

I will go back to the story of Leelah – just as Nouk went back to the story about the baby. I ask to be taken back into these images and memories, and showing up in full Glory. What  I see – instead of the familiar memories of group abuse – is  just blazing Light.

I am the dreamer. What I am usually seeing are projections  and falsities from a terrified mind, believing itself to be split off from  a vengeful God.  And here I am now, in my Self. And with an indescribable relief and gratitude I realize that whenever such imprints of terror from the mind may present themselves in my mind, these energies are nothing I need to judge against or protect myself from any longer. The glorious Self CAN NOT be harmed or invaded. I can stay present – and the old impulse to fly from all of this, to defend against it is met with this: Saying yes. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace.

Luggage lost and no tears

Dream this morning:

I was traveling with my daughter (in dream she was about 11 I think, the age she had when Kip died) – and all passengers had lost their luggage, due to some error  by the railways. We were let off at the station where we all had booked our holidays, and my  daughter was furious. I felt that I could offer another way to look at it: “Now we have an opportunity to try out what we have learned about reality and Love. We can trust that this happens as a great opportunity to forgive – meaning not take anything serious – and we can expect miracles to happen, things that will happen because of this that has the ability to bring us out of the old patterns of control and excessive baggage. And I KNOW everything will be wonderful – because we come to Spirit with empty hands now, trusting Love.”

We found ourself in  the end of a VERY long line to be booked in – but it dissolved so fast!  And as I stood there, I felt like a child going to a great party with wonderful surprises. I knew beyond the slightest doubt that all was taken care of – luggage lost included.

*

March the 15th I had this experience in the evening:

I had been having a rage going on for hours.  I asked “where have I felt this before?” and let it go – and suddenly I was back in an experience of celebrating Christmas at the Fortress when i was 6-7 – my uncle was  the commander  there. I remembered it as very dark and spooky  ( these days people are shown around in its cellar on ghost-tours) but now I was shown that there was a ghost with a huge anger in one of the walls – ! and I had taken that on. So I guess that this is a variation of integrating childhood emotional charges – it just wasn’t “my” charge or experience, it seemed. I had the feeling that I could help that guy/spirit move on. As I asked him if he would like that, and there was a great sense of liberation, joy and gratefulness.
And the anger inside me was gone – at least for that day

Today, after the dream this morning, I was tuning in on strong pains in my feet, and had the same impression: these were connected to another time. Middle ages it was, and as I was shown bits and pieces of torture in its insane variations, I felt a melting tenderness, a gratitude that I wanted to let go of any remnants of holding on to justified anger and rage as victim of torture in any form: In other lives I have for sure had the role of the torturer.

There really is not time: all that ever happened is present in the Now – and it is only Now that I can forgive

It is a dream, the Course reminds me- a dream in the mind of the Son of God having gone to sleep and forgot who he is.

And as I am massaging the painful feet, my crooked toes relax and look like new

Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: