Manifestation of illness *

 
A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
 
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
 
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
 
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
 
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
 
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
 
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
 
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
 
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
 
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Depth of Hell

All yesterday was filled with an abyss of meaningless, chaos, depression – feeling like dying each second, and being stuck in this. I decided to go to bed at 9pm in the hope that something would change while I slept.

In the morning I dreamt that I was going to town with my new neighbors – they were driving the car / this trauma-energy is driving me. They come from Kosovo – with all the traumas of war and loss that implies. I asked them to drop me at the main station /SELF –and there full chaos reigned, in my dream. I first lost my cell phone /my mind– and then I bought fast food ( sausage with lots of mustard and ketchup)/ thoughts that are not nourishing – and it glued itself to my fingers and then to my cell phone and all was a terrible gluey mess.

I spoke to St.Germain when I woke up. There was a lot of laughing! I saw that I have the last 30 years perfected a descent in to hell. It became clear that I don’t have to go deeper – and I realized that it is the ego which wants to go deeper. All exploration of darkness proves that darkness exists and is real – and here and now I see that darkness IS the very thought system of ego itself.

The hell establishes its domain – and strengthens the belief that I NEED to find its deepest ground to bring love into that.

The thing is – there is no deepest! I am the One who chooses how deep hell is – and I am the One who chooses: enough.

When I saw that, clarity dawned, and a saw a host of little angels giggling and cheering at me.

My ego has made exploration into a chore – something to do to make “me” worthy, and even MORE worthy that you – whomever you are. It took the meaning of depth to a whole new depth.

Oh the absolute futility and silliness in choosing to make more darkness in order to give love into it.

There is a deep momentum in this habit for me. Holy Spirit help me to see this each time it comes again.

Blue is playing

As I was prompted to by St.Germain, I will post some “Blue is playing” here – “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of them. I am absolutely certain that if they would not have happened to me, I would have died from seriousness and belief in a very scary God

Now I know better: S/he is utterly playful

Blue is playing: take my hand / 1999

It is Easter. I am going to the mountains to ski with my daughter. We are going by train. I am sitting in a seat at the aisle, and I am reading one of Emmanuel’s books. He writes “Am I here? Yes I am here. Reach out your hand, it will be taken.” [1]

Oh Emmanuel! Please take my hand. I am in dire need to feel that there is someone there for me. Please please take it!

I put my left hand with my palm upwards on the arm –rest, and close my eyes. Twenty seconds pass. Children come dancing down the aisle. They are playing with their hands: it looks like a kind of dance, turning them upwards downwards upwards downwards in rhythm with their steps. In a split second, I notice that the smallest girl is going to put her little hand exactly in my palm when she passes me, and I instinctively withdraw it. It’s not polite for strangers to touch hands.

When the children have passed, singing and dancing, I realize that someone just would have taken my hand – had I not snatched it away! A warmth rushes through me – of course, it was You – where else would You be, but here, as a playful child? And I realize that I was the one who withdrew and missed the opportunity!

Two days later, I lay in my hotel bed, napping after a long day of cross country skiing and sauna. I am alone in the room. I put out my hand again – may I trust that it will be taken?

Only ten seconds this time. The door opens, my daughter enters. She immediately sees my hand and puts a finger in my palm, like one does to a little baby. I close my hand around it.

[1]Emmanuel’s Book, p.72.A manual for living comfortably in the cosmos. Compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton. Bantam (February 1, 1987)

Inner Guidance comes in many ways

I awake at 3:13 – feeling beyond bad. I tune in, and find that there is an innermost belief in mankind – subconsciously agreed upon – that we NEED to be punished, and that when we attack ourselves – in any way – we are safer towards God.

I sank deep within this belief, and found that at its center, I believed that fear was my friend: it was my whipper – my savior – from the fierce vengeful god-image we collectively and subconsciously have at our very core.

This seems to explain how the majority of us treats ourselves worse than we would treat an enemy – relentless in our demand of improvement – not recognizing that we ARE perfectly made in His image

What a relief it was to relax into that false idea and rest there in curiosity and wonder –

at first…

then the stories came up from the vast collective unconscious – the cornerstones to our world, based on fear, guilt and sin. A garbage dump with toxic waste.

I sat up in bed and turned on the light. I – the One Mind – had made this. So I owned that, did not judge it, and extended forgiveness to myself. The body felt like a transformer of atomic energy, scary, very scary. And electric! Then I sensed and saw The Christ Council around me, and St.Germain talked to me and said, “we did not know this place as you show it to us now. Thank you for your willingness and courage to go deep.”

I struggled like crazy hearing this – my ego switched from pumped up pride to crushed unworthiness – thank God I was aware that I am not that – that we are not that. Still, I asked him to give me a sign that what I heard here was not a delusion.

Nothing happened – and what a gift that was: I became acutely aware of how afraid I am that I am making these visions up, a sort of schizophrenic spell. Becoming aware of HOW afraid I was, was a gift – so I stayed with that energy and allowed it to pass through me.

The then thought of my book – “When Fear Comes Home to Love” came into my mind. I wrote it with Blue – or Jesus -as my guide, and self published it. St.Germain told me to post “Blue is playing”-episodes from the book here on my blog. These are playful synchronicities from the divine, helping me to move from fear to humor and play – a great way to transform darkness. The book is full of them. And here is the latest – from this morning:

This morning the night’s experiences had passed from my memory. I was standing beside a heap of my notebooks and picked up nr 18 and opened it, not knowing why.

It opened on this note, from June 2014:

St Germain says to me, in the night: “Don’t leave your truth, your heart, when you sense the fear. Appearances only.Breathe deeply into the energy. When you leave yourself,you have told yourself that fear is in YOU, and you have left your house – the Self -and then it is open to “thieves”J All are stories – they arise when you for a nanosecond believe that there CAN be a place where God is not – can you see how utterly laughable that is -“

Yes I can and I do 🙂

And now the memories from the night come back – and me asking for a sign from St.Germain in the night, that what I experienced him saying was not a fantasy from ego.

How grateful I am, that the work that we do, all contribute to the Christ Council. That deleted effectively ego’s insistence that the Christ Council is far far out of reach for “me”, and “above” me.

A deep wave of gratitude and safety flows through me – and the phone called:

A very polite and articulate man asked if it was OK to do a Gallup on how pleased I was with my alarm system –

oh the humor of Blue 🙂DSC_0406

I took this photo of my “Tree of Life” that I planted some months ago. I had started to give up on it – until this morning: on the same branch as the withered brown leafs, there is this shining red one

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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