SAKINA

After sitting with the inner attacker and embracing him, my body went crazy: so much old repressed energy cascaded out, the body swells and is intensely itchy.  What at last alleviated it was my steadfast decision to remember Who I am and to acknowledge it – the more i did it, the more I knew it was TRUTH.

Clear inner message: Energy medicine with balancing the meridian system is OK – AND you need to find your connection with Me.

In the morning saw that a person – a sufi teacher♥ – had “liked” a post – and I knew that this hardship is part of the path I am called to walk THROUGH – and its tenacity has its root in identifying with the resistance to Love, like the Attacker:

I need to stop seeing these patterns as ME or MINE – since then I am identified with it and illness may happen. In the huge physical manifestations last night I notice that what was healing was my insistent and repeated practice of “AM ONE SELF – joined with my Creator, unlimited in power and in peace.” Suddenly the itching was there, but the identity with it had gone – now I could just BE there and breathe through it – it was not ME any longer, not “my” body.

Here is the text God via the blog writer “Inner Peace” wanted me to read again:

This is borrowed from the beautiful blog:  http://beautywelove.blogspot.com/
Imagine you are walking alone at night on a country road.  No people or cars or houses around, just enough starlight to see your way, the only sound the sound of your shoes on the road and the swish of your clothes as you walk.  You feel the stillness inside of things come close. You stop. Now there are no sounds, except the almost-never-heard hush of things being.
You sense the stillness on all sides and an identical stillness within you. It makes you uneasy, as if you are about to be extinguished.  You try to think, to establish yourself against the stillness, but the voice of your thoughts sounds thin, metallic.  You feel an irrepressible need to be distracted, to change the stillness and its overwhelming of you. You walk home thinking about plans for tomorrow.
But in the quiet of your room you realize what happened: you got scared.  You got scared of opening into the stillness, of allowing it to be.  It was a close call.  You see how throughout your life you have invited one distraction after another to prevent just this from happening.  Now you feel disappointed in yourself. So instead of turning on your computer or reading a book or getting something to eat, you sit down and invite the stillness back.
A phrase you once heard comes to you, from Psalm 46: “Be still, and know.” Be still. Be still.
You arrange your body as you have learned to do.  You sit in a comfortable, alert position, with your back vertical so you don’t slump or drift off.  You let your body be motionless, quiet.  The motionlessness of your body is a helpful friend; you know it is temporary, and in fact it is not really motionless – little shifts and sensations keep happening – but the relative stillness of your body reduces your identification with it, with the sense you are your body’s ambitions and memories and likes and dislikes.
Learning to sit still, to settle like this, is called by Tibetan lamas “the first motionlessness.” A quiet body at ease relaxes the persistence of thoughts.  Once the first motionlessness has been learned, they say, then it doesn’t matter if the body is motionless or moving, for the the ground of stillness is always available.  But for now you need this helpful friend, and you sit still.
Now you invite what the lamas call “the second motionlessness.” This is the still, empty openness “behind” each of your senses, the openness in which your senses arise.  You relax into that openness. To say it is not moving points to its nature, but that’s not entirely accurate.  It is not the opposite of motion, or of the visible, or of sound.  This motionlessness is not definable – it is not a sensation. Nevertheless it has an almost kinesthetic effect on you, as if it is vanishing you, as if the existing one you thought you were, the receiver, the photographic plate that records your experience, this”one,” becomes transparent. You begin to feel the same threat of vanishing you felt on the road, but now you relax and let it be.
  “The third motionlessness” comes now, unbidden.  It is the stillness of presence itself – the stillness of a clearness that is always here, behind and within everything. It is what allows everything to show up.  It is empty too not made out of anything, yet it is awesome and radiant in its presence.  It is without being an it.
You remember now how the phrase from Psalm 46 continues: “Be still, and know I am God.”
“God”  – this old, strange word that sounds like a judge and yet still resonates beyond that – could it mean – could it have first meant – this empty Presence without form, appearing as all form?  You realize you are trying to figure it out and you stop. Be still, and know I am God.  The knowing is not thinking. It is presence being present to presence.
You find yourself wavering here – one moment at ease in the clarity, and in the next thinking about it.  You hear the words again: Be still. Do nothing. Let be. Don’t fill anything in.  No need to figure anything out. Relax.
 
A sense of peacefulness opens in you, vast and without dimension.  This what Sufis call sakina – vast, peaceful tranquility without dimension – and suddenly you are smiling, your eyes are filling with tears – a joy – could it be called that? – a joyousness like praise and thankfulness together, love pouring forth from nowhere, the whole show showing up – mountain, sky, stars, bodies – from nothing, from stillness.
In remembering the Real, all hearts find joyous peace.

Qur’an 13:28

~ Pir Elias Amidon
from Free Medicine

 

Sakina

This is borrowed from the beautiful blog:  http://beautywelove.blogspot.com/
Imagine you are walking alone at night on a country road.  No people or cars or houses around, just enough starlight to see your way, the only sound the sound of your shoes on the road and the swish of your clothes as you walk.  You feel the stillness inside of things come close. You stop. Now there are no sounds, except the almost-never-heard hush of things being.
You sense the stillness on all sides and an identical stillness within you. It makes you uneasy, as if you are about to be extinguished.  You try to think, to establish yourself against the stillness, but the voice of your thoughts sounds thin, metallic.  You feel an irrepressible need to be distracted, to change the stillness and its overwhelming of you. You walk home thinking about plans for tomorrow.
But in the quiet of your room you realize what happened: you got scared.  You got scared of opening into the stillness, of allowing it to be.  It was a close call.  You see how throughout your life you have invited one distraction after another to prevent just this from happening.  Now you feel disappointed in yourself. So instead of turning on your computer or reading a book or getting something to eat, you sit down and invite the stillness back.
A phrase you once heard comes to you, from Psalm 46: “Be still, and know.” Be still. Be still.
You arrange your body as you have learned to do.  You sit in a comfortable, alert position, with your back vertical so you don’t slump or drift off.  You let your body be motionless, quiet.  The motionlessness of your body is a helpful friend; you know it is temporary, and in fact it is not really motionless – little shifts and sensations keep happening – but the relative stillness of your body reduces your identification with it, with the sense you are your body’s ambitions and memories and likes and dislikes.
Learning to sit still, to settle like this, is called by Tibetan lamas “the first motionlessness.” A quiet body at ease relaxes the persistence of thoughts.  Once the first motionlessness has been learned, they say, then it doesn’t matter if the body is motionless or moving, for the the ground of stillness is always available.  But for now you need this helpful friend, and you sit still.
Now you invite what the lamas call “the second motionlessness.” This is the still, empty openness “behind” each of your senses, the openness in which your senses arise.  You relax into that openness. To say it is not moving points to its nature, but that’s not entirely accurate.  It is not the opposite of motion, or of the visible, or of sound.  This motionlessness is not definable – it is not a sensation. Nevertheless it has an almost kinesthetic effect on you, as if it is vanishing you, as if the existing one you thought you were, the receiver, the photographic plate that records your experience, this”one,” becomes transparent. You begin to feel the same threat of vanishing you felt on the road, but now you relax and let it be.
  “The third motionlessness” comes now, unbidden.  It is the stillness of presence itself – the stillness of a clearness that is always here, behind and within everything. It is what allows everything to show up.  It is empty too not made out of anything, yet it is awesome and radiant in its presence.  It is without being an it.
You remember now how the phrase from Psalm 46 continues: “Be still, and know I am God.”
“God”  – this old, strange word that sounds like a judge and yet still resonates beyond that – could it mean – could it have first meant – this empty Presence without form, appearing as all form?  You realize you are trying to figure it out and you stop. Be still, and know I am God.  The knowing is not thinking. It is presence being present to presence.
You find yourself wavering here – one moment at ease in the clarity, and in the next thinking about it.  You hear the words again: Be still. Do nothing. Let be. Don’t fill anything in.  No need to figure anything out. Relax.
 
A sense of peacefulness opens in you, vast and without dimension.  This what Sufis call sakina – vast, peaceful tranquility without dimension – and suddenly you are smiling, your eyes are filling with tears – a joy – could it be called that? – a joyousness like praise and thankfulness together, love pouring forth from nowhere, the whole show showing up – mountain, sky, stars, bodies – from nothing, from stillness.
In remembering the Real, all hearts find joyous peace.

Qur’an 13:28

~ Pir Elias Amidon
from Free Medicine

Being “interesting”

In the West, we are obsessed with individuality – our “me” and how special we are. The Course points this out to us again and again – how much we think our “specialness” is Who we are, and how terrified we are of losing it. In the East,they are – still – so much more oriented toward community.

Interesting. Westerners place big value on being interesting. Something that defines me apart from the rest – and that this definition by others is what I live for.

I sense the shame and helplessness underlying this belief – that I have to be interesting? There is truly no insight here that my value is given: I AM as God created me.

The truly great artists disappear in what they do and create, allowing it to express through them – and do not claim it as solely theirs. Still – the way they paint/play/compose couldn’t have been expressed exactly like THAT by anybody else – and here is the place where what the Course calls “specialness” may enter: the insidious belief that the separate you-personality is the creator, instead of the “receiver” and the “expressor” – attentively listening to What wants to come through you – and the strange belief that what you create,  should be compared in value to what another creates.

“I cant’ find the words…I don’t know what to say… I am boring ” – can you sense the shame underlying this, the performance pressure – and underlying all of it, is a false thought that we collectively have bought into:

“Stillness/non-doing is  boring.And dangerous.”

Of course I believe it is dangerous: the ego wants me securely planted in the belief that ONLY when I am “interesting” and perform in ways it/the collective/ applauds – which frequently has to do with fame and glory – can I relax and accept myself.And as long as I, identifying with the ego-thought system, am convinced that my value rests on performance and others’ judgments.

Lately, when I have found  myself in Stillness  much more often, the sense of restlessness – that I need to DO SOMETHING has been completely overwhelming.

Now I realize with a big breath that this irritated fear energy just comes from this basic premise and false thought: Stillness is dangerous. Only when you create art for others can you be allowed to be one of us.

Love is the state of consciousness that accepts and embraces it all. There is no judgment in divine love – while the very interesting-specter is built upon evaluation and judgment.

As Spirit, made in God’s Image, we chose which thoughts we believe in and therefore make our reality from.

The old collective thought “ I have to be special/outstanding/interesting/ in order to feel valuable and receive love” I now declare as false –

I remember the huge aura of Stillness around Eckhart Tolle on the retreat I recently attended – and how much old stuff it brought up in all of us, being saturated in that field. No wonder there is great fear in the ego mind about re-entering our true origin – but is a false alarm:)

Here is my new choice:)

I choose to rest in Silence.Right here. Right now

All comes from this origin. It is Home.

Reminding myself as soon as I recognize one of the many insidious thoughts that I am not as God has created me – and choosing again, until I truly know who I am

Ha:) Recognizing that I wrote my post before this from Silence

*

Poem for today:

Lalala

Phineas von Foggerty and Agonus von Due
are two little fellas who live within you
When Phineas is laughing and stroking your hair
is Agonus just busy and cooking up fear

He simmers it slowly and sweetly, that liar
my god and my god look your hair is on fire
It hurts and it HURTS but van Foggerty’s present
he gives you a hug and a star and a pheasant

But Agonus von Due goes ballistic with spite
and your hair is now burning as bright as a fight
made in hell, and you scream and you fall to the floor
and Agonus is yelling and hollering “MORE!”

And then in a POOF he is caught by a spark
of red fire, explodes and ascends like a lark
Well, not like a lark, like a fire bird brightly
He lightens up hell with a pyre so mightly

that all one can see is sky filled with suns
and Phineas says, now let’s have us some funs
honey, let us tell stories of beach balls and fairies
and firework crackers with Peters and Marys

and polkas and Pelicans, lovebirds and larks
-look, there’s a sparkrain of fire and sharks!
VonDue is exploding in all kinds of spectacles
he’s screaming in rage and in all kind of dachtylos

-now step to the right, and just watch the big show
we have the best seats in the orchestra row!
Oh there goes poor Agonus, or what is just left of him!

…you shiver and pity the schmuck, or the rest of him

“ Oh maybe I’ll be bored with just nothing but peace-“
But OH, there is Agonus von Due back, all cheese
and this time he certainly comes as Fondue
there is nothing to do but to eat him – yahoo!

Moral:
Eat your Fondue with red Wine and some cherries
Spice it with giggles and shrugs and no worries

*

Changing rooms

Before going to Eckart Tolle and Kim Eng retreat, the defense- patterns psyche had for a week exhibited panic and disaster thoughts. My psyche is trained to see the outer universe as clear and precise manifestations of my psyche, it was very enlightening to notice what played itself out the first days at the retreat in Norway.

The people were accommodated in small houses. These apartments were also rented to ordinary families, and their personal stuff was still in the house – like paintings, glassware, curtains, puzzles.

1) First apartment/ the condition of my mind the first evening: I was given an apartment that had spider web hanging from the roof – in the corner behind the bathroom cupboard was a nest of the strangest spiders I have seen – big with super thread-thin legs. Nobody had bothered cleaning in the corners/the subconscious . I grabbed the toilet brush and smashed as many as I could.

The cupboards were filled with chaos: little pencil stumps, bits of electric cables, pieces of puzzle, things that was completely unnecessary since they were removed from a larger context. It witnessed of a mind that did not de-clutter. Mine. It was very cold inside.There was an electric oven there, it was on wheels and missed on wheel. The electric socket was behind a HEAVY coach which was hard to move.

Seen symbolically: my mind is filled with fear and completely useless clutter. It reflected a belief that I am not worthy to have a “home” that is clean, warm and welcoming.

I decided that this was not a belief that I was willing to keep, forgave myself and complained to the reception, that was willing to give me a new room right away. I told them it was OK to wait to next day, since I was too tired to pack up everything that I already had unpacked.

There were no lights in the bedroom – and a chicken ladder that was almost vertical going up to it. When I got up to get to the bathroom in the night, I had to go backwards down in pitch blackness.

2.apartment:

It was 100 meters away from the first one. It was the only one with a big “WELCOME”-sign on the door. In a window on the door, a crocheted white mandala welcomed the renter.

Inside was light, space, delicate furniture, maritime touch. A big reproduction of a painting: “Built in 1896, and named for the Brazilian seaport at the mouth of the Amazon, the Belem originally shipped chocolate in its hold from Brazil to France. At 170ft its first shipment of wine from Languedoc France to Dublin this February carried 60,000 bottles of fine wine saving an estimated 140 grams of carbon per bottle. On each of the bottles is a stylized sticker reading “Carried by sailing ship, a better deal for the planet.””

A better deal for the planet:”“Nice symbol: the state of mind that this apartment reflected was truly a better deal.

The house was meticulously and joyfully decorated with marine elements: for ex. fishes at the walls  –

I noticed the dreaded chicken ladder – went upstairs, nice big bed , but no light. I went down again and called the reception, asking for that light.

And then I discovered that room – there was a room here that was not in the first apartment: you guessed it – a bed room!

The feeling here gave me a strong sense of being welcomed. It was a great reflection in my mind from chaos and fear to harmony and belonging.

*

In our first meal, we found tables for 8. I instantly connected with an Englishman with very colorful and artistic clothes, sitting beside me.

The energy of Tolle – a human without ego – was tremendous. It brought up abysmal loneliness and “close to insanity”-feelings. I felt like possessed, but had also days with periods of complete happiness and peace. The last day, I noticed that the inner shell of my suitcase had crushed into pieces, and now only the outer form kept it together. You may enjoy that symbol too: suitcase – outer image of inner container of “luggage” from the past. The wheels – that made dragging the past easy along – were destroyed. That made it necessary to drag the suitcase without any help from wheels, and it was HEAVY – lot of past being dragged behind me. And also, dragging it created a hole in the bottom. I got gaffa tape from the reception and “repaired” it. Dragging it along, completely identified with the inner disaster-child again, a door opened in the apartment adjacent to my first apartment ( there were about 500 apartments)- and there was the Englishman that was my neighbor the first night, asking me if I was OK. I said no, and he invited me in for a cup of tea, and we had a talk that was deeply healing.

A group of about 50 persons bused to the train station. We entered the first compartment: it was a “quiet” compartment – which was sweet, since Tolle had talked about finding the stillness inside us.Now we were all within it.

*

At home, the first morning, meditating, it suddenly was completely clear: all the obsessive experiences in the night were nothing else that my inner child’s/ my suffering-identity’s/ most strongly held beliefs: I am sinful/dirty/alone/hated/nobody cares, nobody will ever see me/find me. I experienced them as having power over me – and therefore I interpreted them as coming from somebody outside of me – an evil spirit.

This morning I saw that there was nobody else in my mind but my strong belief in the disaster-thoughts described above.

A wave of tremendous LOVE swept through me: all I experienced in the terror nights was nothing else that the thoughts I had held onto as “mine” and “me” as a child. In that realization, I knew they were empty, innocent – and only powered by my mind.

At last that child was embraced completely from Presence, with no resistance.

What a wonderful pointer this is to “trusting the process.”

I have already released it

Subtle but huge change the last 2 days in the 40 days process.

1) When the thousands daily disaster thoughts came, something inside KNEW that only could ignore them and go into Stillness. Just writing that sentence is bliss.

2) I have moved from “I let go of that” to ” I have already let go of that.”

This morning, I opened my own book randomly and read an example of how I had let go of some heavy duty stuff. Meeting that stuff again this morning, I was led to open to book, and read exactly how I had released it.

I tried it out several times: I have already released that. It takes away all false identification, and effortlessly melts away. A short minute of yack maybe – that’s all. Nothing to do with who I am:)

massive guilt exposed and forgiven

I awoke with piercing pains in my solar plexus. It reminded me of pains in this area before: crazy pains for days. This time  I feel certain that it is the same theme, but much closer to the surface.

So I relax with it. Sit down, sink inward, willing to connect.

I think of my daughter and me: I gave her some poems for Christmas – written by me – to some easter eggs she had made.I later got the idea that she owed me to tell me how she liked them…fishing for praise.Those thoughts did not feel good: I knew that when  I feel I “have to” have proofs of validation and love from somebody outside of me, I am on the wrong track: ego is vying for supremacy.

I told myself that I did not need her to tell me ( or praise the poems) but it seemed that my psychology did not agree with my thoughts.

I opened the Course:

LESSONS 361 to 365.

This holy instant would I give to You. Be You in charge. For I would follow You,certain that Your direction gives me peace.

W-pII.361-5.1. And if I need a word to help me, He will give it to me. 2 If I need a thought, that will He also give. 3 And if I need but stillness and a tranquil, open mind, these are the gifts I will receive of Him. 4 He is in charge by my request. 5 And He will hear and answer me, because He speaks for God my Father and His holy Son.

As I sank into the depths of the pain, I saw that I was trying to make her guilty. I opened the Course randomly:

V. The Choice for Completion

T-16.V.1. In looking at the special relationship, it is necessary first to realize that it involves a great amount of pain. 2 Anxiety, despair, guilt and attack all enter into it, broken into by periods in which they seem to be gone. 3 All these must be understood for what they are. 4 Whatever form they take, they are always an attack on the self to make the other guilty. 5 I have spoken of this before, but there are some aspects of what is really being attempted that have not been touched upon.

I am attacking myself. It sinks in. Slowly tears come. The pain lessens immediately.

T-16.V.2. Very simply, the attempt to make guilty is always directed against God. 2 For the ego would have you see Him, and Him alone, as guilty, leaving the Sonship open to attack and unprotected from it. 3 The special love relationship is the ego’s chief weapon for keeping you from Heaven. 4 It does not appear to be a weapon, but if you consider how you value it and why, you will realize what it must be.

T-16.V.7. Most curious of all is the concept of the self which the ego fosters in the special relationship. 2 This “self” seeks the relationship to make itself complete. 3 Yet when it finds the special relationship in which it thinks it can accomplish this it gives itself away, and tries to “trade” itself for the self of another. 4 This is not union, for there is no increase and no extension. 5 Each partner tries to sacrifice the self he does not want for one he thinks he would prefer. 6 And he feels guilty for the “sin” of taking, and of giving nothing of value in return. 7 How much value can he place upon a self that he would give away to get a “better” one?

I see clearly how much I have clinged to  having others being guilty – and how much manipulation lies in it. And I remember my best friend as children: it seemed to be a partnership where I was the leader. When we as adults were dining out, the waiter always came to me first. I had no idea why then – but now i see that we played this game: I get to decide and you get to follow. I sense how transparent this collusion was to me.

She couldn’t take it any longer 30 years later, and exploded. And only now can I get in touch with all the invisible unconscious ways the “leader” weaved the leading net around the leadee – who silently unconsciously consented.

Suddenly a thought of an obnoxious man from a workshop came into my mind. We ( I was not alone in feeling this) could sense him spinning cords to our solar plexus and dragging us in, sucking our energy. A perfect energy-vampyre. People around him – me included – felt intense rage.

Now i see that in my mind, I subconsciously  may do the same energy-dance of manipulating when i am to afraid of asking for what i want, and “get” people to give it to me by manipulating them subconsciously and energetically.

I feel no guilt about that at all. Slowly I sense the forgiveness for Ulrich coming up: we were both just afraid, and caught in the same pattern. When we know better, we do better.

That was what removed the last traces of the pain. It has been impossible to not hate and judge Ulrich – until I see that it is in me too.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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