Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens











Poop on the window and in the mind

When I walked into the kitchen today, there was a big human poop glued to my window, with toiletpaper hanging down from it.
January 1 2013 somebody threw a big stone through my entrance door. Much healing and insight came from that – and it feels like this is second chapter, one level deeper: what does this mirror inside me?
A deep deep feeling of unworthiness – I am only a shit –  Jesus tells me that the reason it comes to me from outside is that I have judged this feeling from inside, and therefore made it real.
I am currently following Jeshua’ channellings to Jayem – ” Way of Mastery” – you can find them here, on John Mark Stroud’s website where he, after an agreement with Jeshua/Jayem, help people deepen their experience with what Jesus says. I am using his forgiveness-instructions – and for the first time it FLOWS, it is easy.

So in this case with the poop-thrower, it was easy to sit down and do this exercise (I wrote it down myself when listening to the audio:)

“Observe what pushes your buttons. If you can stay with it, it will reveal to you the energies that are in need of your forgiveness.

The technique is quite simple. As you go through your day, observe when you are in contraction. Shallow breath, tight muscles…does your voice become faster and louder when you speak about someone else – that is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself. When you recognize that these kind of signs are going on – in other words life has presented you with an opportunity to be disturbed – that is a sign that there is something that requires healing. So therefore count it a blessing. Turn your awareness from what you think has caused you disturbance. Remember the first Axiom: “I am the Source of my experience.” I am feeling disturbed. What is it in me that needs to be healed?” Begin to breathe deeply with the body, and rhythmically . let the body soften and relax – and ask: “What is it in this person’s energy that is really pushing my buttons?”

Please replace “critical” with self-hating

Your memory will come back – distasteful memories if you are judging them. Let them come back. continue to breathe and relax, look upon that energy of being critical, honor, love it – it is a creation. It is your creations coming back to you, that you may embrace them and transform them. And in that example, just stay with it, look at it – “Ah, being critical, I know that energy very well.” Look upon a scene in the memory where you have been critical. Look upon it with deep honesty and sincerity. And say to yourself:

“I forgive myself for being critical. I forgive my judgment of myself. I choose to teach only Love.” Watch that energy disappear from your mind, dissolve from your mind, and bring yourself back to the present moment and that person who just pushed your button. Again, you don’t need to say anything at all, or you might – but within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being critical to temporarily make a home in the mind.

And merely ask the Holy Spirit to replace your perception with the Truth.

Ask to see the innocent light within them. As you cultivate this, you’ll become very very good at it. You’d be able to do it fast. And once you begin to see the light in them, you can ask the Holy Spirit, “what is this critical energy in me masking – what are they really crying out for?” And then you will feel compassion, and it will be revealed to you why they are hurting inside. And lo and behold – instead of being reactionary with them, you just might be compassionate. Your own words will turn out to be different. And through you will be channeled exactly what serves them.”
So he is just “me” – the Son who has forgiven his true Origin and believed he must be punished.
It is not serious:)
Oh yes,, that is something else John Mark has suggested which has been tremendously effective for me: Place an imaginary red clown nose on everyone you see.

It is simply impossible to avoid seeing that this is a dream

The Medusa

Today we have our 4th sharing on Skype, with the intention of lifting in to the light our common false perceptions of God as an angry punishing father.

This is Nichola’s rapport:

The day started with a swim in the ocean and so maybe it’s no surprise that I was feeling light and happy when Leelah and I had the Skype session. When I looked further the feeling was like a golden light a couple of centimeters from my face – shining gold with rays going out like hair or like the rays of the sun. A big deep feeling of joy came up from my belly and the golden light became a mask, ancient made of some kind of metal. The energy traveled down my arms and my fingers were alive with energy so that I saw that they were made of small wriggling snakes.

I had a feeling of rising from the sea – standing on a rock and the image of the Medusa with her hair made of snakes standing  the rock in the middle of the ocean.

 Leelah suggested we look at Medusa –  the myth of the Greek goddess who turns people into stone and she asked me if I had been (or if I had turned myself?) into stone. I said yes. In fact the stone cold boy in a story that I wrote is me, I recognised that when I was writing it, and today I remember that when my father was speaking in his familiar humiliating way I would purposefully harden my body and mind so that the hate from my father couldn’t get in.  

I remember giving my bother a painting of the Medusa when he was about fifteen. Leelah asks if he was also turned to stone and I remember that yes he was, more than me I think.

After that we looked at the Medusa jelly fish on You Tube. Leelah asks me why I think it is called Medusa and I think it is because of its sting, and also maybe because of its tentacle that look like hair. The fish is transparent, very primitive and beautiful.

As we watch it gives birth to several tiny jellyfish. Beautiful. Around this time I am struck with how much the tentacles of the fish remind me of synapses, the nerve endings that are sometimes damaged in MS and which I have been trying to visualise growing back in my own body.

I am also struck with the seemingly rambling way that we have meandered through this session, guided by Leelah’s instincts and I am very much surprised and almost enchanted.

 Leelah suggest that the way the medusas are born from the jellyfish – just “plop” out very easily, is something that I can use to think of the way my own synapses can easily be regenerated.

 Then I look to the side of the screen and see that there are a number of YouTube videos in a column going down the page and oddly, amongst them there is a five or so minute lecture by David Hoffmeister called the death of the Ego –  there amongst all these jellyfish. I can’t believe it. I tell Leelah but it does not appear on her page, just mine. As it turns out we are using different browsers  but strangely I have returned to that page this morning and David Hoffmeister has disappeared and there are only jelly fish there.  (Right now I am wondering about that – it feels like a notice to pay attention to things when they appear.)

We watch the video together and Leelah asks me at the end if there was anything there for me, as it had only appeared on my browser . I say, yes – the very last sentence. Which is stop looking for fulfillment outside yourself. That seems a very strong thing for me to look at, as I feel I have identified as a searcher or hunter who does not find. Like I am constantly trying to get something from the world that I can’t.  So this is a big thing for me to explore – that I am just looking outside for what I think I want, instead of inside.


I mention for Nic how the very essence of the ego thought system is “look, and do not find.”

I find this image very symbolic for deep transformation – from snakes to rays of light:

shining gold with rays going out like hair or like the rays of the sun.


I too have  stone – symbols:


My mother has become stone

I am pummeling her chest with my fists

Come out! Come out!

My fists are made of ice,

My tears are burning

Come out!



My father hits my bottom hard and unexpected

Warm pee flows down my legs

“Go to your room!”

But my mother

Where is my mother?




Loving reminder

Some week ago I opened the doc where I have saved this blog as a doc. All the titles were gone from the navigation-menu to the left. Whatever I did could not bring them back.

I swore just a little – and as I reformatted all the titles in 16 point bold Times, one by one since 2010  I found myself starting to read some of them. I highlighted the pearls, aiding me in the post-traumatic stress-period after the stone through the window.

And discovered what a great gift it was that I had to do that re-formatting.

Here are some of the pearls – re-given:

(About the stone-fears:)It became so clear how the story is nothing, and how my belief in it gives it all the meaning – and power – it has for me. It became clear how much I held on to it. And what has been the hook is the belief that it can kill me if I let it go. Suddenly I felt a giggle – and a willingness to be wrong about that belief. Holy Spirit took it, and now I know: This cold/hate/anger/fear cannot kill me: it is just a story.

Someplace in the dream, there is a really icky dark poisonous energy. I state my willingness to release the belief that ego can block Love – and after some seconds I have the thought that this is the very substance of the veil of illusion, that warps our perception – described above in the Course-quote. Blue says: “If God is perfect Love, this is a dream.” It’s just stuff. Not a signal of some hidden guilt or dangerous personal memory. I am starting to be excited to know that Heaven is just beyond this veil.

From Barbara: “As Spirit we come to see that “me” is not real.  We try to find “me” and “me” can only be found in the images in our mind.  There is no “me.”  There is no family.  There is nothing but Spirit.  We are free.  We are home.   And we can never again believe that we are “me.” The Awareness was always there.  The Awareness will always be.  As we shift our attention from “me” to  I AM  the perfume of peace envelops us. There is nothing left for us to learn.  We simply have to Be.”

It is just a habit that I call me. I can only let it go now when I see that I choose it.

And in the night, Blue spoke so soft and sweet to me: reminding me that each time I had a memory and felt its nauseating impact on the nervous system -I could remind myself that this was nothing I had to fix, by “forgiving it so it should go away” – I understood, in a melting moment, that all that was required, was silently looking at it.

“The unpleasant feelings you are feeling are all different flavors of resistance. They are just masks – or requests for Love. Take off the ragged costume: just a little fear. Just a little resistance – just a little ignorance. Just see the light under it – just be willing to see it shining through.That’s all that matters”

As I allow the truth permeate me – that if God is perfect Love, anything else must be illusion – the strong sensations of panic abate.

 I got the “message” that all was taken care of between us, whatever happened later was just part of the dream/the script – not to be taken seriously.











Stone through entrance

Time is 4:04 am January first. This time is called by some “The time of Angels.”

I wake up by a huge crashing sound. Think it is firecrackers.One more crash – bigger. Intuition; get up and out on the veranda – there is some mischief going on downstairs.

Enormous crash – Look down, man runs away. He looks so strange: pointed blue hat, beige sweather and knickers! He is very tall. I have a feeling of unrealness.

Down in the living-room, I see a big stone in the middle of my floor. The glass-door is broken. you wouldn’t believe how much glass-shards there is from such double-glass doors.

And first now do I realize that that man threw that stone through the door to get in. Or – to just crush something in anger.

Shock. Instant ice-cold. Fear:”He will be back!”

Calling the police, they come quickly,  the male sergeant photographs footprints in the snow ( super-clear prints,) the young blond sergeant listens to me, patiently,gently. They call the glass master who arrives shortly after. He sets up a proviso new glass slate – and removes most of the shards.

That touches me! They all are so kind and helpful. I ask for a hug, and he smiles and gives me a good one. My cold body becomes warm.

No sleep. Next morning I call the police station to set up a time for  filing a claim. They tell me that they will do it for me, so I do not need to travel.

Sitting with this, I know that it is part of a process of healing and awakening.

The night is filled with  full-blown post traumatic stress. The symbol of a man who crashes the door to my home is a metaphor for rape. I notice that the man himself was not inside my house: only the stone. Seeing this brings shivers of release down my spine: this is happening through me,as me, a healing FOR me. “ME” meaning decision-maker in the mind outside time and space.

Next morning – today – I find anger. I welcome it, and tears flood horizontal. What a force behind them! It feels like an encapsulated wound has been burst open, and waves of gratitude flows through me. While the crying is going on, there is a knowing that the stone-thrower has given me a huge gift: he has burst the door to my old repressed and JUDGED anger – the one that thinks it is guilty and sinful if anger is voiced and expressed in any way at all.

I call the psychiatric acute-team and ask them to come home to me. I want to have witnesses to the stone and the glass – witnesses who are professional health-workers, and who can receive this anger and other feelings which may arise, now when the wound is fresh. This is the gift – to have someone witnessing it very soon after trauma and shock happened – so at last I can express the energy. That breaks the pattern of denial that has held the old wound encapsulated.

Oh I love the idea of fetching the stone back into the living room! Now it is seen as a gift – I want to make art of it! Will take photos tomorrow and post here.


Later, in the evening:

Two  women from the Psychiatric Acute team was here. I told them the story and showed them the stone. Peggy said: “That is a lava-stone.” We talked about the symbol of a man filled with rage crushing the entrance – and that the stone in fact is fire from the center of the earth, petrified. And fire is a great metaphor for anger – but also for will, power, strength and transformation!

It felt great to have those two professionals listening to what happened: the story could be told, simply, without having to “protect” anybody from it.

Deeply healing


Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: