The most obnoxious man in the world

I dreamt about him this night – and I am so happy!!! that I now have this energy clear and distinct inside me so I can relate to it with healing instead of my usual full reaction: hate, fear, rage, disgust, terror, judgment, and extreme resistance.

This is truly an archetype of the stalker/abuser who lures children/people to them: they are SO “kind” and SOOO helpful, and you just feel a twitch in your stomach but you are caught in the costume of the little bird being hypnotized by the snake, who hisses: “There you go – yes, YES take a step onto my lovely tounge here SO I CAN SWOLLOW YOU ALIVE!!! ( Evil snake-laughter here.)

Know this once and for all: abusers can “dress up” as incredibly kind and helpful and NICE and even loving. And still, you most probably ALSO felt a signal from inside that was NOT pleasurable. And here is starts – we push our own instincts back to earn love – and we only learn to do that from parents who have learned it too.

Due to indescribable happenings through my first 18 years – and 30 years in my therapy-practice –  I know that ANYBODY with abuse in their story will carry the scars of their own perceptions and repressed memories and images, and they will go on projecting them on everyone they see – until they realize what has happened and WANT to heal and wake up. A Course in Miracles teaches ways to change our perception: we are taught and trained to ask for help by the Holy Spirit ( or any other word you would like – like The Dude or the Buzz that Pam Grout calls it )- since you may agree that the name God carries more baggage that the Chicago Airport ( also a quote by Pam Grout.)

I love the name Holy Spirit, though – since it is easy for me to find that Spirit as the essence of everything alive. And that includes the snake-man: inside is something that cannot be corrupt – something that he has learned and been shown  how to hide and he has learned it from other people who also have learned it.

Well – I did the thing I have been taught to do by The Holy Spirit /Jesus / the Universe/ the Joyful One etc etc – I blessed the image of the dream-man in his original innocence, his childlike joy and playfulness, everything opposite of the disgusting form. I blessed myself in my willingness to see through his form, to find his sacred essence and holiness and recognize it as mine.

Then I went into the living room and found a stack of colored cards  where I the last 30 years have noted truths and beauty, and pulled out this one:

” I will not give you power to scare me anymore.My holiness blesses and releases this pattern from my mind; I have used it to hide form God’s Love. God is not fear, but Love. I deny fear’s hold on me – fear has not the power to take the peace of God away.

Fear has not the power to take the peace of God away that was what I needed to see. Since my human child-experience certainly was that fear was MUCH stronger than God – and that it all meant that there had to be something weird about “me” that these happenings kept happening.

That belief has electromagnetically pulled to me more abuse – and taught me to abuse/devalue myself – as most victims do without blinking an eye.

And it was the mechanisms of all of this that causes me to start my therapy practice in 1988 – “How do we participate in creating this? and what can be done to heal it?”

You will find the results in my three books in the right menu – above all “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

For me and my patients and students, the path goes through play, painting, storytelling, poems, dance – and the forgiveness lets us see everything with new eyes: the perpetrators are really scared-to-death- little children that cry out for love – deep deep down inside.

That does NOT mean that we condone the acts. But when I ask for help to see the inner child of the perpetrator, he WILL pick it up on some level – and MAY feel that first push to stop his crazed behaviour. And I will be freed of MY hatred – which only hurts ME.

When you click on the books, you will get to reviews that can help you find out how others have been affected. I would truly love to share them with you too


The Little Demon

In a dream, I met an actor that once played the leading role in a production my husband and I had 30 years ago. It was a dramatization of a Norwegian story tale: “The Companion.”
We both attended a big convention, and he was interested in therapy, as he was plagued by something he ( I wrote “I”) had no conscious idea of.

I told him I could show him what therapy could be before dinner. Then I got acquainted with a lady who seemed very nice – but who stuck like a leech when I told her she needed to leave when I was with the actor. She refused, I PUSHED her out, she came back etc. At least I SCREAMED at her, raging. SCARING HER

I could not find a way to demonstrate to the actor what therapy was. Instead I asked: “ Is there something with you and “wool?”

He looked at me and told me he lately had wanted to visit a big wool-factory in his vicinity – and I burst into crying.
“Why do I cry?” I asked. “I think I REALLY want to make something with wool” he said. “I just have not known HOW much -!” And he teared up.

I woke up and saw two things: I need to take my seer-ability seriously – and that THIS is what people need from me – my ability to see what their heart wants. And what stops it. And then use storytelling etc. to give the “stopping-parts” a role where we both give Spirit free reigns and the blockages become parts in the story. It is SO fun and healing!

I asked my Self what the second part in the dream  – the girl who wanted therapy and clung to me – wanted. I opened my own book randomly – When Fear Comes Home to Love – and found this in italics below.. While I read it through, I saw that the “girl was a part in me that has internalized CRAZY energies from my mother and father when she was very little –probably demonic energies – meaning complete raging insanity lying in the background of their communication.

The belief “I am wrong” creates a very recognizable yucky feeling: that’s what makes you want to act it out. Now feel it instead, and find all its intricate details, like an excited explorer: “…cold in the chest. Constriction around the heart. Feelings of loneliness. Fear of becoming abandoned….” It is quite possible that you will start to feel some of the characteristics of Child: “I feel like an outcast…stupid…ugly…” Just notice the thoughts, and go back to the bodily sensations.
The minute you relax your judgments about what you are feeling, and just let the feelings float in the heart, you will know without any doubt that you are not these feelings. You are the light-filled, loving space the feelings float in. This process – of just accepting the feelings without believing in them – takes time. Have mercy on yourself.
Within the illusion, demons are demons because they are hungry for something they are not getting. When they get it, they transform. It is up to us to deal with the ones we have created, unwittingly. We create them by ignoring and judging our painful feelings.

I then proceeded by offering a method from the Buddhist tradition called Chød – to finally give the “demon” what they need – which in this little girl’s case was “BEING IN PERMANENT JOY.”

I saw again (seen it many times a before) that I had demonized this little girl’s feelings and needs – but now there were NO judgments at all around it – just “so.” She had seen it as her job to internalize others’ dark repressed energies – that felt safer than believing that THEY were dangerous.

Now I let those judgments go and felt deeply her terror and expressed it.

What I chased out, and judged as “obnoxious” and “clinging” was the very aspect of me who had KEPT the energy inside until now.

I sweat like crazy as I write this


For the ones interested in symbolism

The Companion  was a man who was frozen in  big block of ice after his death instead of being  put in “christian soil.” His “sin” had been to water the wine he sold – and WINE symbolizes Spirit. Watering wine means therefore mixing ego with spirit.

The main person – Johannes – paid him off and buried him – and now the former  Spirit-diluter became Johannes’ Companion – helping him to marry the princess, but first freeing her from the Troll in the Mountain and then purifying her in three baths of the  ugliness that she had acquired when she lived with the Troll.

THAT was what the actor symbolized in the dream 🙂

And we all play the leading role in our lives














Big Surprise

Today, more on play and creativity –
(preparing the scared and reluctant ones for the “Dragon and Princesses”-online course that starts January 1 2018 on Facebook)

here is a short demonstration of play that transforms:

Think of a word. I’ll demonstrate. * Devil.” ( Fear: oh noo!) Oh yes: it comes for reason, Leelah – and that’s what you can lead this course: you trust the process, and demonstrate what will happen when the course participants receive words they immediately will want to reject.

Okey then, lets play and see what comes:
Once upon a time there was a little devil who lived on a mountaintop all by himself. It was dreary and dull, nobody to bug and scare, just wonderful views wherever he saw.

So he uttered a minuscule HELP ME, and there, he sank right down into the top and down-down down, and around him were nothing but angels and laughter and whatever he did and yelled and cursed, there was nothing but giggles, they simply did not take him seriously.

So he started to swear a lot, and the angels immediately played with that,”fuck fluck fickety suck cluck cluckcluck” and there was hens all around him! ” Satan!” he yelled, and the angels went ” satan platan tomaten weights-a-ton – haten daten peyton Place!!!”
“screw you!” he yelled, and the angels came quite near and tickled him and sang “screw you, lulu, honeyhonylulu toodle toodle doo!”

So he started to giggle too, and the cutest little angel wings sprouted from his former black and nubby body

and frankly, that was end of him.

(And right now – believe it or not – my new and expensive security program declared ” End of the program.”

Comments received with joy

The Lighthouse

My inner guide Blue tells me to share a story from my book  When Fear Comes Home to Love the next 30 days, and tells me that I am far too unwilling to promote my work.

Hmm. Yes.

Here is a part of a case story, where we use storytelling as a path to healing, and where the patient weaves me into one of the roles in the story.

Charlotte tells the story of the little girl with an impossible responsibility: to save everybody from shipwreck. The waves are towering high, and she operates The Lighthouse all alone. But now the electric fire in the tower has gone out – a fault on the installation – and the original fire in the cellar must be re-lightened. As we allow the Story to come forth, Charlotte is wondering a bit what this “original fire” might represent.

Now Charlotte gives me a role in the story.She weaves me into the story as the Old Lighthouse-keeper who comes to aid, so the little Girl does not have to do the overwhelming work all by herself, alone in the storm and the dark. It turns out that the old Lighthouse-keeper has an intimate knowledge of the island: he takes the little girl by the hand and leads her to an oil well in the middle of the island’s center! He tells her that she needs to dig  a new channel from this center and into the old well in the cellar of the Lighthouse: the old channel has been clogged by debris, from the time the electric installation was added.

Together we dig the new channel. And soon the flame that saves the shipwrecked can shine again.

We talk about what this power-source is – this source in the center of the island. When I ask Charlotte to sit with her eyes closed and find the source within herself, she feels her heart become soft and warm. We both sit with eyes closed, and now The Voice of The Heart starts to talk through me. The atmosphere in the room becomes completely quiet, bright and tender. I recognize Blue’s voice talking to me and through me.

I have forgotten the actual words of the heart. I remember the feeling of being completely loved, bathed in a river of light and love. There is something infinitely tender within it all – this is how it feels to sit in a loving mother’s embrace – a mother devoid of fear. I sense my heart expand, and it becomes easy to breathe. The Heart speaks to us and receives our shared fear and our effort of having sole responsibility to save everybody from drowning. The heart shows us that ONLY the Well can nourish the fire that warns the ones in danger and  dark waves. The electric man-made system will always be vulnerable and susceptible to damaging forces. The installment is dependent on good fuses, strong lines, quality light-bulbs, expertly polished glass, and it is expensive to maintain. You have to inspect the works continuously, and cannot let down your vigilance for a moment. As soon as you have changed a bulb, another will burst –  but the fire from the well is eternal: all you need to maintain the fire is keeping the channel open and free from dregs.

While the Heart talks with my voice, we suddenly hear small “cac cac’s” at the window-glass. I open my eyes: two small birds are flying slowly toward the glass, touching it with their beaks. While I continue talking, I observe that each time the contact with The Heart is strong, the birds “cac” again. It is like a musical accompaniment – helping me to not float away and space out in this warm, loving atmosphere. “This really happens – here and now. Don’t forget. Don’t minimize it!” say the birds.

When  The Little Girl finds the connection between her heart / Source and the head / The Lighthouse, she recognizes that she at last can step down from the Tower, sit down by the eternal fire, allowing herself to melt.

And at last to rest.



Dragons and peace

Filled with morning depression and toxicity,I put my feet on the floor, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and asked myself ” What do I really desire right now?”

First thought: To not feel like I feel this moment

No. Go further:

To feel at peace with whatever is.

And with that thought, my life flowed in pure joy for many hours – until a thought come, that was rooted in fear – ” I need a chocolate.”

Really Leelah? NEED? which Leelah needs it – the inner child that believes she needs comfort – that she even deserves it?

yes yes I know this is ego but I still am going to buy it

And I bought it and judged myself for it

and right now I can feel at peace with all of that


I also want to share an exercise from my book “Healing Crisis: 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities.” I used it this night, when the depression and stress level was sky-high, and it really helped.

Here it is:


If this crisis/anxiety/problem/depression/illness was a type of weather – what would it be? What kind of landscape would it be? –and now, if it was a monster, how would it look? How heavy would it be? Would it look like a human or an animal – or like something you never saw before in your whole life? What sounds would it make? What kind of food would it like? What would be its most treasured pet? Its favorite activity? Where would it go for vacation? What would it DO on vacation, when it didn’t have to do its old usual stuff? What could it not live without? How old is it?

-Can you pain or sculpt this being? If the thought is too scary – what could make it less scary? –now find its soft spot. Monsters always have them. What would it answer if you ask it ”what do you need the most?”

Now –you do not have to conquer the monster. Invent a being who can and will outsmart it or transform it. What kind of being would THIS be? This being could have all the attributes you wish – supernatural and magic, if you want. And please, bring in some magical ingredients: The Sword Who Transforms, The Stone Who make People Laugh, The Staff Which Melts Dragons…have FUN with it, play with it – and dis-create whatever you create, if you do not like it.

And – the talent(s) the hero/in has – could you use those in your crisis? What would happen if you did?

[1] Source for this exercise: Nancy Mellon: Storytelling and the Art of Imagination/ Element Books


Three angels visiting

The Course reminds us that “In defenselessness your safety lies.” I truly know how much fuss I stir up when I believe in “doing it on my own” that is, excluding God or Love.

I have lately attended a symposium for Storytelling. Ah. These people belong to my tribe, I enjoyed it immensely – except at nights, where darkness was overwhelming – I simply could not seem to get the help I needed.

One day, a friend shared a story about three angels staying with her. She had done some strange procedures to have them visit, and the three wishes she gave them were fulfilled! So I asked her if I could borrow them the next night – and she said yes!

In the night, it felt like the energy field lightened – I got exactly the boost I needed to be able to look at the dark beings and NOT want them to go away – so now, I felt safe enough to say:“ Here we are. Welcome. Is there anything I can do for you?”

They melted – and behind /inside were frightened children.

I have known that, but it is vastly different to experience it.

At breakfast, people remarked on how well I looked – like a big suffering had fallen off. I girl said, “When I saw you first time, you were a head shorter than me. Today you are a head higher.”

Two heads growth!

This feedback is so very valuable – since my body does not feel any lighter. Without this feedback, I might have pooh-poohed the transformation. What an immensely vital reminder this is : the pain and agony in this bodymind is not MINE – it is the collective ego-mind’s suffering, proving that we are separate from Love.

When I came home, the usual agony in the mornings was still there. But now, when I asked for help to see it differently, Blue said: “You are picking up the collective field of memories from massacres.”

Instant release.

Belief in limitations melting

I am soon going to a workshop in story-telling with my favorite story-teller, Nancy Mellon – and when thinking about that, I felt the familiar sting of fear and anticipation of attack from people there. Something inside instantly questioned the certainty of it happening – and it dawned to me that I was just encountering a pattern in MY mind – and that I did not have to project it on “outside attackers” any longer.

In that moment, the physical imprint of the pattern became very strongly felt in the body. Very very strong. I relaxed completely and released it to the Holy Spirit. As I lay there and sensed the energy release, I heard ” and all of this is just a replay which you renew again and again each time you automatically start to interpret what you are sensing and feeling as the old attack-story – and that it is REAL.

That reminder helped me even more to let go: the heavy sensations I was feeling  were not signals that I was in danger NOW – just memories of old story-patterns that I automatically attached to as “mine.”

At the breakfast table, I was doing a Sudoku. It seemed that this was the most impossible difficult one I had ever seen. Instantly, I felt a nudge to check – could this be a pattern of lack and hopelessness that I was seeing this Sudoku through?

Of course it was – the feelings slipped right off. I rose from the table, rinsed my teacup ( the beautiful  cream-white one with a pale blue spiral at the bottom) returned to the Sudoku, remembering that I just had to be willing to receive the solution instead of struggling to “find” it and be The Great Suduko-puzzler.

As soon as I had let go of that belief of hopelessness and limitations, my perceptions changed – and it felt like a miracle (  it WAS :-)) to witness how I now easily saw the solution of the Puzzle.It felt like walking through a maze – and my body just knew the way out of it, by each moment listening to the directions from the Heart.

I see that I can use absolutely everything to wake up 🙂 Doing Sudoku with H.S is delicious –

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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