Miracle

The last day the fear returned with a vengeance. I prayed deeply to be free of the sticky attachment to all of it – and suddenly, it was gone.

The fear energy still is here – but it now feels like a dummy- love bursts through. It does not matter anymore. From this state of mind there is only rest.

My young friend Leni Dubel just wrote on Facebook that illnesses are beings – messengers – they come to heal. Many cancer patients know this deeply after a while – by going through it, there are shining insights. My strongest experience as a breast cancer patient 15 years ago was that I learned that my choice is everything:

I was under the radiation machine, it was the 12th day and the nipple was badly bruised – it seemed that it was rotting and drying up. I heard myself exclaim: Archangel Michael, I want your rays to go through this machine instead of the x-rays.

In that very moment, there was a great Light and I knew without doubt that my prayer had been fulfilled.

From that moment, the effects of the machine-radiation reversed, and the breast returned to it original healed state of being. I also knew that there were no more signs of cancer.

What if I got that cancer to get to that moment – KNOWING that Spirit heals all if I CHOOSE it?

It seems to me that Cancer made it possible for me to get to that moment where I took that chance to ask for help from Spirit, being willing to suspend any beliefs that the body’s illnesses and pain were more powerful that Spirit. It was a huge leap of faith for me, and it was instantly answered.

The strangest and most wonderful surprise for me is that I still feel that fear-energy strongly – but it really has nothing to do with me. I can  hold it, or just let it be, and I c an bless anybody in this fear and agony in their ability to choose love instead.

This is said with the utmost tenderness for all who says ” but I DO choose Love, and nothing happens.”

This was my experience for many years – and it brought me to explore all those parts of me who were selfhating and bitter and filled with vengeance. Carrie Triffet showed me in her last book “The Frickin Map is Upside Down” how important it is to LOVE them just as they are – no fixing – loving them WITH their hatred, with deep patience and compassion – loving them as they are. And as A Course in Miracles says – ” we cannot heal what we still have not accepted and loved.”

I don’t love the hatred. I love the part who hates.

*******

In the right menu you will find my three books. In these days, my book ” Healing Crisis – 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” can give you creative playful means to deal with the fear and transform your regulations to it. Like this one:

54) YOUR ANCHOR

What served as an anchor for you when you were a child? What did you ”come home to” – inside yourself or outside? Maybe a favorite day-dream – do you remember the theme? Pets? Music? Nature? Reading? Walking? Making art?  Knitting? Wood-work?

Contemplating this anchor –why was it an anchor?  WHAT is it that was – and is – such a nourishment and comfort for you?

How could you use this anchor now, during the crisis?

(Source of inspiration:

Serge Kahili King, PH.D. http://www.huna.net/

and this:

108 GROUNDING / OVERWHELM[1]

Walk around in the room: point at objects and name them out loud. Do it until you start feeling that you are inside yourself. Then do a variation: point at a thing and name it something else: point at pillow and name it cheese, point at a TV and name it flower, point at the table and name it circus…the dog comes in, and you name her sunshine. Do this for at least ten minutes, and then sit down and see if you can remember some of the new names you invented.

The exercise has a wonderful ability to ground us, shove us out of rigid control-modes and let us laugh – and then, additionally, allow the subconscious to show us what it plays with. Right now.

When we are in a crisis, we are also stuck in a rigidly controlled space. When we are stuck inside it, everything we do or think is perceived through a veil of mistaken identity: I AM that which suffers. To break through this false identity gives you a new footing: suddenly you can see yourself AND the crisis – but you are no longer caught in it. Exercises like this one push you out in free air: yes, there is a crisis in your life right now – but there is also play and creativity.

And you might also enjoy re-naming your crisis, too – ! Instead of” crisis,” you might try out “popcorn.”

“I am in a deep popcorn right now.”

Did you giggle just a little?

 

[1]  Source of inspiration for this exercise: Keith Johnstone: Improvisation and the Theatre
©1979, Methuen Publishing, London

http://www.keithjohnstone.com/main.aspx?id=73

 

 

 

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Human: transformation of suffering, an alchemic process

I have recently practiced ” I choose to want God/LOVE above all NOW.”

It truly has rolled beautifully, until this morning when the usual agony was back. I opened a note-book at my bed table: (Please click on it to get the whole text.)

I then remembered that I had already painted three images of this process many years ago. Luckily I saved them in a file on my PC – here is how it may look when we, as Self, embrace the darkness – and what it then turns into ♥

Here it is absorbed

and these two images show the next two stages in the transformation process

As you see, the darkness has transformed into a Menorah – a light-giver

The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

Lava-anger

What I am describing here is the very essence of torture belonging to anyone who cannot share humongous pain – be it trauma of any kind, abuse,war,illness – the occasion where this goes on continuously and there is no-one who will listen or acknowledge what goes on.

In the case of abuse,the family will not under any circumstances acknowledge it, And as soon as your face shows that there is something going on with you, you are told that ” do you have to look so forlorn – you, who are SO well cared for.

So the circumstances are:

constant abuse of any kind – (could be both inside the family and outside, from others,  as in my case) – and you discover that any signs of “something wrong”  psychologically/mentally are simply not tolerated.  If you get a flu, you may get lots of sympathy – breaking an arm gets you “Oh your poor child” and ice-cream. But ANY signs of inner agony – that anything is “wrong with you” – STOP IT. NO expression at all.

The consequence is that you can never relax. You cannot rest anywhere. You cannot even let yourself know how lonely you are, how terrible all that inner pain is, since it is denied from your closest ones, and consequently by yourself too.

This is how grave splits and dissociation happen in the psyche, and we get cases of severe denial and  “multiple selves” – and this is what I describe in my book you see in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Dream this morning:

I was hiking with a group of people to a place where we were to stay and live for some days. The weather was rugged, and I saw that I had only my old (at least 40 years old) red rain jacket on.

When we arrived, I went from room to room to find a free bed (mattresses on the floor.) There were clothes on everyone –  all were taken.

The metaphor: I have no place to rest, to sleep.

Maybe you can  recognize that belief – that feeling deep inside?

I saw clearly HOW repressed my desperation was at that time – due to deep abuse and also sexual torture from several people outside the family. It lasted years. It became the normal. My dream showed me the depth of my repression – and anyone’s repression, in the cases where there simply are no healthy people who CAN notice and care for the children who are victims of this. This kind of total repression goes far back through the ancestral lines – and you who read this may be one of those people who were never HEARD and welcomed and listened to.

After this realization, the underlying lava-anger started to erupt. There were strong murderous feelings and images, I allowed them all, honoring that child  – now I received the images of her hacking people to death: “Of course you has these impulses! This was at least an expression of the anger you felt – and any of us may feel  – when any sign of suffering is simply not allow to SHOW. And I am so grateful you did NOT show them there and them – that would most certainly have been dangerous for you. I am so very sorry for what happened to you, and that led to all your beliefs about who you were ( despicable creature being all wrong, not worthy of being seen and listed to) and all the coping mechanisms that you made, that saved your sanity. But I am here now to hold you and support you and  allow you to express any feelings at all – you have a right to them.NOW you are not alone, I AM HERE with you – and that makes all the difference.”

“I hate GOD!” you wail – “I prayed that God stopped them doing what they were doing, and he did nothing! He is evil! He wants me to suffer! And that must mean that I am guilty!!” and the next thoughts, following from this – ” He is punishing me for something – ” and the next thoughts:  “this punishing may save me from Hell later.”

That last one has a deep impact, I feel. That way of thinking actually draws  opportunities for suffering to me.

My printer is now reflecting this to me: the color blue will not print. (BLUE is what I call inner spiritual guidance in this blog.) Also, the support-plate for the paper will not tilt/lean back – pointing to the fact that it is almost impossible for me to lean back and support myself and all I want to share – symbolized with the printed papers with my words on them.

I am one of those who has actively chosen to see anything that happens as metaphors. It has served me well, and the Universe plays with me here – as now, with the printer. Right now a wave of bliss and laughter wells up in me, and  Blue reminds me of all the occasions where I have discovered that God loves to play. I have included numerous of these short stories in my book – all humorous and peculiar and odd.

Here is a couple:

Blue is playing:

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

 

Blue is playing:

“…someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?”

A great light and soft love surrounds me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

*

My inner child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

The Know-it-all

Or, should we call him/her the Besserwisser, the Lecturer.

Yesterday I had a serious case of being besserwissed.(Ha, the word-corrector suggested blessed!:)) And it sure has turned out to be a blessing.

I asked a question to a teacher, and for over ten minutes he lectured and besserwissed and droned on, with great power and conviction. I felt: invisible – dropped – powerless- crushed –  intimidated – a stupid klutz. And angry.

I  subconsciously called that response out of him, so to at last see the pattern and heal it.

So this morning I went into the Observer mode of  the Spontaneous Transformation Technique: *** see below

Neutral, emphatic,patient, no agenda – just wanting to BE with this part that was lectured to. I told it I saw it ( it sat in my solar plexus): I am here. I am not going anywhere.I am in support of you.

There was a substantial relaxing response, showing me that this “part” had made the connection. It was no longer isolated and separated. And there is the first shift: awareness comes into this old pattern of victimhood: the one with no power, no voice.

So what was the advantage of that position? was my question – (I know that I can’t let go of anything that I think I am the victim of -) why did I need others to lecture me?

Simple. So that I could be the nonthreatening powerless one. The one who was not noticed, had no responsibility. The one who did not provoke status quo, the belief system/religion on the rulers – and who therefore was reasonable safe from being accused and burned at the stake or tortured by one of the zillion inventive was man has concocted.

I truly saw that this was  a CHOICE I had made: to shut down my true authentic voice and will. I have made that choice WITH the power that God has given us all – the one we have, being created in His/Her Image. So that choice to be powerless is mighty powerful!

So I had made my Universe, as Jennifer McLean teaches: we all made it from 1)the beliefs we made when small when we were hurt and traumatized – in my case: ” Life is dangerous if you talk back,if you say no. You are here to make others feel better.You do not count at all as YOU – you are a “wrong copy.”

And then life works like this: 2) we make our coping mechanisms to survive – based on these beliefs – and voila, this is our Universe now: I think/believe that I will not be respected – this is a “Universal Law” for me now, based on my beliefs based on my early experiences. And I will perceive the world THROUGH the filters that I put up – and people who enters my Universe will have no choice, they will turn up to disrespect me – until I  can forgive myself for these creations, and deeply honor and love the aspect of me who started this Universe.

When I encouraged that aspect of me to feel it all, there was tremendous fear from all the times this soul experienced torture – and most of all, all the times it spoke up and loved ones suffered the consequences of that. It’s all there, in the One Mind we all share – and what we all heal, seemingly on our own, we make available for us all to tap into and share.

These times, huge waves of awakening sweep over the planet – what was before tucked under, now comes up to confront us – (a reluctant thank you, Mr Trump!) – We can only heal what we allow ourselves to see, to forgive, to release. And my deep experience is that when I allow these old defense and protection-mechanisms to come up – to be seen, and HONORED for their way of protecting us from harm – then  my Universe mirrors THIS new view of me/my life/ back to me.

*** The Spontaneous Transformation Technique is a unique, therapeutic system of healing. You can read more under “Services.”

This is a healing way to deal with the energy that get trapped in our stories and traumas, and help it to unravel and transform, when it at last is looked at with love. This opens a space of great healing and allowing of what is – and from this space you can play and explore how you want your future to look – free from the old patterns.

1.session is free!

The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

*

Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

You may reblog this, provided you give links to this blog and credit the author

  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

Not alone

Old parts visiting

Lately, I have been doing TAT on coming into this body – and inviting dissociated parts to come back. I did not take into consideration that the energies/frequencies that these parts held would seem to create havoc in the nervous system And I share this here because of the many of us who found it necessary to dissociate parts of ourselves -and the wonder and beauty – and also maybe havoc – it will create to take them back. Just writing about it now makes the energetic havoc from this night and day return – and I have to write this fast, so the illusion will not run away with me.

There were strong heart palpitations – and the shock-waves they made were felt in the midsection – like a big hand down there were hitting the stomach hard. There was nausea, hard to breathe, cold sweating . and a strong belief: “ I am dying. I must get to the hospital NOW.”

Still – something kept me back.

Returning home later in the day, the inner message was clear: you are re-living the bodily echoes of the times you/small child/ was visited by these sensations in situations where you could not in any way process what went on in the nervous system, and what you told itself that it all meant, that you were experiencing this. I opened one of my many wise-quote notebooks, and found this: “ …I realized that my belief of having to fight through life on my own was creating the (…) and that that belief is just an illusion…once I realized that my belief of having to fight through this situation ON MY OWN -was creating this situation ( …), and that this belief IS just an illusion, everything changed in the most miraculous way….”

I am sorry I have lost the name of the sister/brother who wrote this – thank you!

The strong physical symptoms almost instantly stopped. Instead, there came a violent sobbing and calling for Mom, and a part who screamed I am scared I am so scared. I “held it” and listened to it and let it express itself. It repeated itself some times, and then abated – and I knew that what worked, was the realization that this was a great gift of healing – now all these palpitations and symptoms were nothing more than an old tape, being played back in consciousness, and this time listened to and embraced in love.

When I sat down to write this, the symptoms started to repeat itself. I understood that there was something going on now and did not realize that I again had been sucked into the old belief of having to struggle/suffer through this alone. I went into the living room to get a pen, and saw that the entrance light had gone out. The ones who have followed this blog for a while will know that the divine uses this lamp to correct my beliefs. I stood before it, acknowledged that I was stuck in temporary darkness, and said, “ I call on the Light that I am – to center myself in that, while I write about these symptoms. The lamp answered instantly, and the symptoms disappeared again.

Reminder: Help me to remember always that it is my belief in separation that CREATES this situation/these symptoms. This is the only thing that needs correction: my belief in separation – which is an attack on my own Christed Self.

Thank you thank you thank you, Jesus, for healing my perception – and thank you, dear sister who wrote those insights in a Forum I visited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healing Without Rejecting

Written yesterday, November 15

I  experience right now  the very essence of what I have called the inner attacker in my mind – that I so often have manifested/projected on the “outside” world. To allow it is a bliss beyond words, and still I will use words to share with you.

What gave the rise to the healing that is now in action – is this:

I share two long ladders with my neighbors in the row of our houses. You can hatch them into each other if you need to climb really high. My new neighbors have put up a new “holder” for it – – and now I have to stand on a smaller ladder to reach up under the roof where these two big ladders are hatched into each other, to take one of them down. They weigh a lot. The little ladder is wiggly and so I feel very wobbly up there.

This put me straight into the very essence of this old attach/defense-wound: “They (my neighbor) WANT me to fall down, to suffer, to hurt myself. They are attacking me. I HATE THEM and want them to suffer as I do.”

It is remarkable to notice that all this still go on on the inside, like a tape – and that as long as I do not become aware of it, IT commands my mind: I think this is ME.

AMAZING to experience the power of it.

I got another taller neighbor to get one of the ladders down for me – he too had to struggle hard to get separate them from that hatch-mechanism – (seen as a proof that I was right in my judgment of my neighbors. And that my intense hatred of them was justified – my strong perception and belief was that they did this to attack me.)

People – this is how it looks when we carry deep old atrocious pain from our childhood – and have been told by parents and society that” you are BAD if you have these BAD feelings – anger is BAD, and especially GIRLS are BAD when they show them. Hatred: oh you are beyond redemption – since now GOD does not love you either. God ONLY loves nice children.”

So I braved myself and went over to my neighbors, and the woman came out. Her face looked contorted when she opened her door – and now I realize that this were mirror-neurons – her face reflected how I looked and felt unconsciously. Still, we talked friendly how we could solve this – and she told me that her husband, who is very tall, had bumped his head into the ladder when it was lying in the way it used to before they got this new hatch.

It turned out that she talked in generally – but my first impulse was that my sin had almost killed him.

OHMYGOD maybe he now lied inside bleeding because of me – GUILTY BAD GIRL – I must be punished

And everything the body felt at that time  60 years ago when this was learned, I learned to push down – or rather, the defense mechanism pushed it.

And so it has been all my life – 71 years – and this morning, I was turned around TOWARD the wound, with Matt Kahns words. He is teaching us how to talk to our self:

“So we close our eyes and relax our breath, and I say on your behalf: whether to this mind, to this heart, to this body, to any memory, to any grudge, to any disappointment, to any grief, to any loss, to any form of lack, to any illness, disease or unbalance: “I am so sorry that I have judged you so harshly and forgotten that you are a catalyst of Divinity. No matter how you were sent, and how you appear in my life. I realize that you are bringing to my attention an opportunity for me to enter into such an accelerated journey of healing beginning to balance the decease or the conditions that has come to me. As of this moment, I no longer judge myself for what I have manifested,I no longer judge other for what I seem to be dealing with, and instead I realize that I have manifested this as an opportunity to grow in consciousness, to manifest what I have previously judged as “less”, or “lacking”, as something less than the Light, and it is an opportunity for me to change my relationship with Life.”

This radiant moment I understand why it says that Light has no opposite: it’s because of my judgment of the situation/what is happening that I perceive the Light as darkness and pain – in reality, this is the greatest gift Life and God could give me right now.

“Thank you for being in my life. I love you so much. You are beautiful and you are wonderful just as you are. And maybe instead of asking the Universe to heal this and clear this out of my field – what if I take a revolutionary step: What if I say to the disease, the imbalance, to the pain, to the suffering, what if I say to IT: what can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

And so – this is what I did this morning – when I sensed the utterly familiar sensation of the lump: hatred, this shouldn’t be like this, I am wrong, I do it wrong, I hate myself, I hate THEM, I hate God for not helping me through this ( writing this, my heart is skipping beats) oh this is hopeless I give up (but at least I am being nice about it.)

And I turned toward it and asked it what Matt suggested.

This is a collective thought form/entity/”being” that the Holy Son of God has manifested since time and space and has accepted as real. It is not “mine” – and I have made it utterly mine, because of my denial of its Original Light. In this moment, in this One Mind that I Am – it is being brought to healing.

What can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

The first it said was “please give up your judgment of me – that turns me into darkness.”

And then “ just BE with me as the judgment-spell is taken off me”

I realize I have demonized my Self – and that It is not in the least affected by it – why? Because I am ever only hurt by my perception: in reality, the Self is eternally pure and Holy Spirit, but I – and we all – have pretended it is not.

And that is the prerequisite for separation.

In reality, nothing happened – and as long as I still partly identify with the body, I will experience the consequences of that original error –

But it is not serious, as Jesus repeatedly tells us in the Course, and in the Way of Mastery.

This is Matt’s take on healing without rejecting

“-How can I serve you – your sweet pain?

“- If we ever turn into whatever we try to heal, let us remember the two word mantra “Thank You. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being what guarantees my love becomes unconditional. Thank you for being immune for all my spiritual negotiation and manipulation, for not allowing me to turn away from this invitation to love myself. Thank you for the opportunity to be a steadfast teacher in my life and to only bring to my attention how much more support and love that I need to give to myself – even if I live in a world where everyone else seems to be concerned with everyone else except me. Thank you for ensuring my healing will be complete when my love has become more unconditional in nature. Thank you! I love having you in my life. – We have to shift from “I don’t want to have this in my life, to “hello beautiful catalyst of consciousness, hello disease, hello imbalance, hello grief, hello loss, hello disappointment, hello victimhood – what can I do to serve your journey? How can I make your experience of me better? How can I focus on being more interested in serving the experience of the illness and imbalance within me – instead of trying to get rid of it, and how I wish life would change? Can we turn inward, and just complement and honor this illness, imbalance and disease like it is child, just begging for love and approval – “you are perfect the way you are, even if I hate the experience you provide.” I know you are only here to be loved, even if I hate the feelings in my body. How can I create the best experience in my body while you are with me – I know this isn’t going last forever – but this will go on until I change the way I relate to myself, instead of insisting things must change first within me. How can I serve your experience? Let me be your companion – let me be your friend – and may it make my love unconditional – for the evolution of my journey and the benefit for all I am meant to encounter. Thank you for this disease, thank you for this illness, thank you for this imbalance, thank you for this pain, thank you for this adversity, thank you for this opportunity to bear my soul and become more honest, loving ,compassionate and complementary than ever before, thank you thank you thank you.

Everything that shows up in my field is what the other consciousness has not yet embraced. It does not matter if it is “mine” or “their” – it is here to be complemented like I am its closest companion.

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Holy Spirit at the doorstep

Yesterday, looking out of the window, I saw something light brownish and white lying in the grass. A dead animal, I thought – maybe a bird.

Later, downstairs in the healing-room where I work out in the morning, I saw a light brown and white pigeon sitting on my garden fence, looking at me. I realized it was the same bird that I thought first was dead – well, he had at least managed to fly up on the fence. I looked at him and wished him well with all my heart. One minute – and then he took flight, soaring.

How strange. I could have sworn he was dead when I first saw him.

This morning, I opened the main door to get the paper, and he flew up right behind my door – the door actually hit him.

I looked at him in wonder as the familiar signal inside went off: pay attention.

I watched him as he humped along across the little lawn – and then he humped up some stairs to a neighbor across the road.

I prayed for help to realize what this was reflecting. Birds points to Spirit –

I look into my little dream-book:

“Dove or pigeon: Interchangeably with the pigeon, the dove is a symbol of peace and reconciliation ( as the bird that brought the olive branch back to Noah’s Ark) and of love ( the emblem of the Holy Spirit.)

But – it was sick! Almost dead! And then resurrected and flew – as if nothing had happened to it – and today it was sickly again –

I put the thoughts away

And later, I was standing in the kitchen and felt the usual stress pattern coming up – old PTSD – and heard myself saying out loud:

But I am not sick – meaning: my identity is not sickness

Thank you Sacred Self – you are showing me, via this pigeon, that what I have tried so valiantly to heal and interpret and understand, is not “MINE” – it belongs to the dream, the illusion of separation.

My true identity is SELF – oneness with my Creator, created in His Image – and surely that can not be sick

But the bird taught me that I think sickness belongs to my identity:

it played out dead – sickly – fabulous flyer – and then “waiting for you at your doorstep, being smashed a bit around”

I love the humor  and playfulness of the divine

“What suffers is not part of me” stresses the Course – which is a good thing: now I can embrace it instead of identifying with its suffering

For the first time, I truly SEE the choice where to put my belief: sickness or Spirit

Which means that the next time symptoms flare up, I will remind myself “appearances only” and  rest in God

The ego is trying to convince me that if  I don’t make the appearances instantly disappear, Spirit is not to be trusted.

Not so – silly thought – the discomfort can be there now, it is not a sign that I am wrong and a failure(which spiritual ego claims) just that the story the pain is telling comes from a belief in separation and shall not be taken seriously

I am not a traumatized “somebody “- I am Spirit – healed, whole and innocent – all is forgiven and released

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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