Bird is dying

I have saved all blog posts as a word-doc, wanting to self publish it – as this is what I personally like to read: other peoples’ path to awakening.

Recently I discovered that all posts  after  March 27 2013 have disappeared. That was quite a shock – until I remembered that all things happens for me and not to me.

So I sat with all that crisis-energy, and no stories about it

The stories came back with a vengeance when I last expected them. I still sat with the energy.

Then, in a sharing with Kit, I realized that this happened  because I needed to go to my blog and find a blog post that I needed to read again – an earlier shining insight – and I found it: 27th march 2014

It describes how letting Holy Spirit taking care of “the problem” releases my “need” to “save”others – that my interventions and insights are not what saves, but my surrendering my thoughts about myself as the indispensable savior. The insights and thoughts are not worth anything as long as the ego grabs them and states ” I help you here. I am indispensable for your healing.”

The insights can heal only if they are without ego, personal gain – in other word, without the Bird-archetype I describe in my book  When Fear Comes Home to Love.

Then my daughter had a collision with a 4 years old child-knee in her eye ( yoga-play), and  I forgot about this blog post – I fell right back into Bird again – no wonder, since this personality/archetype is the one I have grown up with and as – it has allowed me to have value. I “KNEW” what she needed to hear, and she interrupted me lovingly and told me she needed to take care of herself in her own way by saying no to listening to my suggestions.

It felt like dying – and thank God I still allowed her that space (after a short struggle!) and there arose a sacred pause, filled with love.

Then I was nudged to read the shining insight in the blog post again: ” I see that this is something that I shall leave completely in God’s hands – I shall not mention it at all to her.
Trust. Willingness to allow Love to come into it. No resistance at all to the situation. Whatever plays itself out between us IS OK.”

Oh I know so well all the posts I have written here that have been written identified with Bird – “I am here to save you, since you don’t have it in yourself: I am so very special because of it.” I want to thank her for keeping me alive and outside of an asylum – and also expressing the relief it is to truly feel the trust in God who does all things through me.

 

Compulsion or surrender

 

I have an appointment with an audiologist – and I want to try out a special brand of hearing aid – Oticon. – I asked him to have this available when I saw him in the corridor at my first appointment, and he smiled and nodded.

Then – later – true to the snirkles of my mind,I became anxious that he would NOT have it. AND since I have waited ONE YEAR for this appointment, it would mean that I would be one year deafer until next appointment – and the threats and disastering escalated: I would be completely deaf by then, beyond repair – and it would be their fault.

Oh how the ego loves that

I sense the guilt underlying this old story: the huge  – HUGE – inner pressure  tells me that I have to FIX this pressure by finding a solution to the problem. The more I desperately try to figure out why they don’t answer my mails when I ask them to please get the Oticon till I get there, the more horrible the pressure turns up the volume. And I feel COMPLETELY a victim in this: THEY do not answer my mails. But –  how could they – I have created this situation – and that confirmation would not transform this OCD-me: it would just repeat again and again until, like this morning, I truly meant that I wanted to see this situation in another way.

I realize that until now I have seen this OCD as a safety. Wow and doublewow

So I decided to just BE with it as it presented itself. The first feeling that came up was “I am WHOLLY convinced that I will not be helped.” I notice my absolute belief that I – this small I – would not be helped from these “outside” persons.

I have of course strong reasons to think like this – something terrible happened – many times – when I was small, I made this conclusion then and developed this coping mechanism to NEVER hope for help and be let down – and never feel the crushedness of it all. It helped me survive – and I honor that part of me who held on to this for so long. How brave it has been: to insist of  being heard at that time would have NOT been safe at all, and probably led to violence/death.

And with this, all my judgment at this pattern melts away, and left is just gratefulness for the experience: now I can ever more deeply support others in not judging themselves and being hard on themselves. Somehow I feel not alone in this 🙂

So when I was willing to be wrong in my perception this morning, that NOBODY EVER would help me and listen, I  was reminded about  an incident some years ago with an IRS-person I needed to return to, and who the first time was the very epitome of unkindness. I then told myself, while driving to him the second time, that this time he would be helpful, kind, gentle, I would understand it all, it would be a miracle.

And it was. * He even started to tell me about his  daughter that he loved so much, and showed me her picture. I mean – !
So now, at least I can do this: I can expect to be happy about speaking to a wondrous person, a shining Light of God, who would share this lesson with me, proving to me that God IS with me.

I told God then that he had to give me a sign – should I call or not? And saw myself calling with the expectations that the answerer would just be a delight. So – not a question if I should call or not call- but a reminder that I choose who’s hand I hold while I call – Christ or ego.

So I called. And while the heart beat while I waited –  “sorry we are VERY busy” – it started to dawn on me that that pounding heart was not a sign that it would be dreadful – it was just part of the OCD pattern, being challenged.

She was patient with me, and told me the audiologist already had this in his journal. Blush. Ego wanted to lash out, “why the hell couldn’t you just answer me that in the mail” – but of course she couldn’t: then I would not be at this point of surrendering the old OCD-identity. I can trust life to BE helpful, and give me all the lessons I need to wake up and drop the old ones.

She told me that the audiologist had to see which product was the best for me – and of course he had to! Then I could tell her that I agreed -and just wanted that it was available for me to test. The energy in my mail had probably made her hear that I HAD TO have THIS brand and nothing else. Oh yes that was beyond doubt the energy I expressed in my mails.

Can I shark SHARE with you the radiant joyful energy that was present in our conversation, as the old false view I had , of not being heard, dissolved? What a GREAT typo: that energy is just like a shark – it hungrily devours food/energy to fill itself, just like ego: it is never enough.

After the phone I had to set myself down  and deliberately receive the new energies that I had opened up for now.It is amazing: they still flows through me now, about an hour later – and I have to be fully present to receive the healing.

*I share this healing miracle in the chapter “The tax-man” in “When Fear Comes Home to Love”.

Surrender

Surrender:

When you are weary, let go and I will catch you.

When you are frustrated, step back and I will hold you.

When you hurt, fall inwards and I will heal you

When you feel alone, listen, and I will speak to you.

When you cannot see the way, trust, and I will lead you.

When you let go, Grace draws you back to the Real.

There is nowhere for you to dwell but in My embrace

.Here you are happy.

Here you are Home

Ground Floor

A wondrous awakening is happening. After the nightly session on Skype with Barbara, a knowing established itself: that whatever seemed to happen in thoughts,feelings and sensations/fantasies/pain etc DOES NOT MATTER – it is a dream, it is not real, and I – True Self -is untouched.

I sense an underlying state of consciousness – or level of mind – words are not good here -where I AM with God, as One. I see and experience it NOW as NOW. Sinking into it there is deep rest – and also there is awareness of much resistance in “the upper floors.” That does not matter – whatever goes on there is like a movie, a shadow-play in Plato’s Cave.

What this does for me is removing guilt effortlessly: guilt is from this “level” now seen to belong to the identity of the shadow-players – and extra layer of guilt is placed on most thoughts of the shadow-players. But from the ground floor these thoughts are seen as meaningless – belonging to a script.

The last night was fear-free. Oh the bliss of that! I had a dream that I was surrendering my body to float in a wonderful sea – and in that moment of surrender I received a kiss! I opened my eyes, and looked at my Godfather.

Now, the ego intervened very quickly and the dream turned into a fantasy of my this-life-Godfather fancying me, which was very disconcerting – but when  I awoke, the symbolism was not lost.

Today I was blessed again: seeing the movie Monsieur Lazhar. 

Both the teacher and the class had PTSD – and now,having a “ground-floor” – experience, I saw them all acting out the shock and denial that is part of the PTSD – and it was possible to see all those feelings AND feel them – without getting identified with them. I was crying with release, and was blessed with an experience of complete and utter beauty and truth.

Today I will judge nothing that occurs.

The long saga with the painful stiff neck has escalated lately. When the pain yesterday increased to becoming intolerable, something inside gave way to surrender. Now it was no longer an enemy to get rid off, but something that knocked on the door of the heart to be let in.

I put a loving hand on the most painful place and just waited. Out of being with it emerged a voice, which wailed: “I don’t want to be here any longer.” It brought up a torrent of tears – and it was clear that the defenses former putting that voice in jail, had unlocked the doors.

I have been that jailer.

I got a vague idea where it came from, but was much more willing to just be with it without any wish – or rather, demand -of “understanding.”

I had a good night, with nice funny amusing dreams.Oh I love those kinds.

Today, I had a Skype-sharing with Kit again. ( The correction-program suggested “sharpening” instead. Sometimes the little gnome within the correction-program really gets it.) In that space of truly connecting, it became clear that the pain was truly impersonal, and that only making stories about it and trying to understand it cemented it. I am more and more acutely sensing the “spell” of the ego: its great ability to make images and analyze – and how caught I get in that spell-web (“sleep web” suggested the gnome 🙂 the second I want to understand the images. Now I saw like a roll of  film-frames moving in front of me. I chose not to focus on any frame at all – just being with it, and at the same time being with the pains and sensations.

Before, these bodily sensations and pains have ALWAYS been connected to the belief ” I am in mortal danger.” I mean always.

Not now. The change of perspective – or perception -is diametral.

What has happened is so sweet: I notice that there is a little gap – just a diminutive gap – between sensing the sensations/pain/charge and being sucked blindly into that hell – OR choosing to witness it. AND that choice has in this session come from my Self. It is such a calm and loving looking – really not a decision at all – like it’s not something to choose from, at that level.

And I end the session and open the Big Blue: Today I will judge nothing that occurs.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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