Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Changing rooms

Before going to Eckart Tolle and Kim Eng retreat, the defense- patterns psyche had for a week exhibited panic and disaster thoughts. My psyche is trained to see the outer universe as clear and precise manifestations of my psyche, it was very enlightening to notice what played itself out the first days at the retreat in Norway.

The people were accommodated in small houses. These apartments were also rented to ordinary families, and their personal stuff was still in the house – like paintings, glassware, curtains, puzzles.

1) First apartment/ the condition of my mind the first evening: I was given an apartment that had spider web hanging from the roof – in the corner behind the bathroom cupboard was a nest of the strangest spiders I have seen – big with super thread-thin legs. Nobody had bothered cleaning in the corners/the subconscious . I grabbed the toilet brush and smashed as many as I could.

The cupboards were filled with chaos: little pencil stumps, bits of electric cables, pieces of puzzle, things that was completely unnecessary since they were removed from a larger context. It witnessed of a mind that did not de-clutter. Mine. It was very cold inside.There was an electric oven there, it was on wheels and missed on wheel. The electric socket was behind a HEAVY coach which was hard to move.

Seen symbolically: my mind is filled with fear and completely useless clutter. It reflected a belief that I am not worthy to have a “home” that is clean, warm and welcoming.

I decided that this was not a belief that I was willing to keep, forgave myself and complained to the reception, that was willing to give me a new room right away. I told them it was OK to wait to next day, since I was too tired to pack up everything that I already had unpacked.

There were no lights in the bedroom – and a chicken ladder that was almost vertical going up to it. When I got up to get to the bathroom in the night, I had to go backwards down in pitch blackness.

2.apartment:

It was 100 meters away from the first one. It was the only one with a big “WELCOME”-sign on the door. In a window on the door, a crocheted white mandala welcomed the renter.

Inside was light, space, delicate furniture, maritime touch. A big reproduction of a painting: “Built in 1896, and named for the Brazilian seaport at the mouth of the Amazon, the Belem originally shipped chocolate in its hold from Brazil to France. At 170ft its first shipment of wine from Languedoc France to Dublin this February carried 60,000 bottles of fine wine saving an estimated 140 grams of carbon per bottle. On each of the bottles is a stylized sticker reading “Carried by sailing ship, a better deal for the planet.””

A better deal for the planet:”“Nice symbol: the state of mind that this apartment reflected was truly a better deal.

The house was meticulously and joyfully decorated with marine elements: for ex. fishes at the walls  –

I noticed the dreaded chicken ladder – went upstairs, nice big bed , but no light. I went down again and called the reception, asking for that light.

And then I discovered that room – there was a room here that was not in the first apartment: you guessed it – a bed room!

The feeling here gave me a strong sense of being welcomed. It was a great reflection in my mind from chaos and fear to harmony and belonging.

*

In our first meal, we found tables for 8. I instantly connected with an Englishman with very colorful and artistic clothes, sitting beside me.

The energy of Tolle – a human without ego – was tremendous. It brought up abysmal loneliness and “close to insanity”-feelings. I felt like possessed, but had also days with periods of complete happiness and peace. The last day, I noticed that the inner shell of my suitcase had crushed into pieces, and now only the outer form kept it together. You may enjoy that symbol too: suitcase – outer image of inner container of “luggage” from the past. The wheels – that made dragging the past easy along – were destroyed. That made it necessary to drag the suitcase without any help from wheels, and it was HEAVY – lot of past being dragged behind me. And also, dragging it created a hole in the bottom. I got gaffa tape from the reception and “repaired” it. Dragging it along, completely identified with the inner disaster-child again, a door opened in the apartment adjacent to my first apartment ( there were about 500 apartments)- and there was the Englishman that was my neighbor the first night, asking me if I was OK. I said no, and he invited me in for a cup of tea, and we had a talk that was deeply healing.

A group of about 50 persons bused to the train station. We entered the first compartment: it was a “quiet” compartment – which was sweet, since Tolle had talked about finding the stillness inside us.Now we were all within it.

*

At home, the first morning, meditating, it suddenly was completely clear: all the obsessive experiences in the night were nothing else that my inner child’s/ my suffering-identity’s/ most strongly held beliefs: I am sinful/dirty/alone/hated/nobody cares, nobody will ever see me/find me. I experienced them as having power over me – and therefore I interpreted them as coming from somebody outside of me – an evil spirit.

This morning I saw that there was nobody else in my mind but my strong belief in the disaster-thoughts described above.

A wave of tremendous LOVE swept through me: all I experienced in the terror nights was nothing else that the thoughts I had held onto as “mine” and “me” as a child. In that realization, I knew they were empty, innocent – and only powered by my mind.

At last that child was embraced completely from Presence, with no resistance.

What a wonderful pointer this is to “trusting the process.”

Stone through entrance

Time is 4:04 am January first. This time is called by some “The time of Angels.”

I wake up by a huge crashing sound. Think it is firecrackers.One more crash – bigger. Intuition; get up and out on the veranda – there is some mischief going on downstairs.

Enormous crash – Look down, man runs away. He looks so strange: pointed blue hat, beige sweather and knickers! He is very tall. I have a feeling of unrealness.

Down in the living-room, I see a big stone in the middle of my floor. The glass-door is broken. you wouldn’t believe how much glass-shards there is from such double-glass doors.

And first now do I realize that that man threw that stone through the door to get in. Or – to just crush something in anger.

Shock. Instant ice-cold. Fear:”He will be back!”

Calling the police, they come quickly,  the male sergeant photographs footprints in the snow ( super-clear prints,) the young blond sergeant listens to me, patiently,gently. They call the glass master who arrives shortly after. He sets up a proviso new glass slate – and removes most of the shards.

That touches me! They all are so kind and helpful. I ask for a hug, and he smiles and gives me a good one. My cold body becomes warm.

No sleep. Next morning I call the police station to set up a time for  filing a claim. They tell me that they will do it for me, so I do not need to travel.

Sitting with this, I know that it is part of a process of healing and awakening.

The night is filled with  full-blown post traumatic stress. The symbol of a man who crashes the door to my home is a metaphor for rape. I notice that the man himself was not inside my house: only the stone. Seeing this brings shivers of release down my spine: this is happening through me,as me, a healing FOR me. “ME” meaning decision-maker in the mind outside time and space.

Next morning – today – I find anger. I welcome it, and tears flood horizontal. What a force behind them! It feels like an encapsulated wound has been burst open, and waves of gratitude flows through me. While the crying is going on, there is a knowing that the stone-thrower has given me a huge gift: he has burst the door to my old repressed and JUDGED anger – the one that thinks it is guilty and sinful if anger is voiced and expressed in any way at all.

I call the psychiatric acute-team and ask them to come home to me. I want to have witnesses to the stone and the glass – witnesses who are professional health-workers, and who can receive this anger and other feelings which may arise, now when the wound is fresh. This is the gift – to have someone witnessing it very soon after trauma and shock happened – so at last I can express the energy. That breaks the pattern of denial that has held the old wound encapsulated.

Oh I love the idea of fetching the stone back into the living room! Now it is seen as a gift – I want to make art of it! Will take photos tomorrow and post here.

*

Later, in the evening:

Two  women from the Psychiatric Acute team was here. I told them the story and showed them the stone. Peggy said: “That is a lava-stone.” We talked about the symbol of a man filled with rage crushing the entrance – and that the stone in fact is fire from the center of the earth, petrified. And fire is a great metaphor for anger – but also for will, power, strength and transformation!

It felt great to have those two professionals listening to what happened: the story could be told, simply, without having to “protect” anybody from it.

Deeply healing

THANK YOU

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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