Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -bug

I got you!

I am only 69. Give me a break. I got it now: that lil bugger, sitting on the left side of the head, stretching down into the left side.

i got you!

You are the inner push: “i WILL-  I  M U S T   finish this NOW.”

Right now it means finishing simplifying my desktop, even though I felt a clear sign of “enough.” The enough said: enough doing. Now just allow yourself to be i n the sun and silence. The bug : ” you CAN’T let this stay looking messy.” And “You HAVE TO fisnish what you hgave started NOWNOWNOOOW”

Aha. Obsessive Compulsive symptom.

Typos? Great tool to use to catch the obsessiveness when it comes. Now I spot it  as an abrupt and harsh iron grip of muscles, a sickening head-ache – just empty as long as I don’t give it meaning and “importance.”

Wow. I just understood the Buddhist term emptiness.

EVERY”THING” is empty until I give it meaning

A want to share this with my fellow life-travelers. I just sit with it, witnessing the story of threats: you DIE if you don’t do this. You lose any trace of love if you don’t do this now. Ah, and this: “You lose respect from all of US when you leave this mess.”

Really? I mean,REALLY?

What a silly bug you are.

Oh the tensons dissipating. Oh you HAVE to correct that typo!

No.

I just sit here enjoying the tensions melting, and the stiffening and headaches in the left side just being allowed and witnessed and blessed and forgiven on the way out.

I as mind made this to “protect” myself at some time. And until now it has gone unnoticed

A nd I notice that this is what invisibly has stopped me from resting in God as a practice: as soon as I have sat dwon to do that, this invisible bugger has said(not heareble before now:)

And if you don’t feel or hear Him, he just isn’t there – but I AM HERE FOR YOU BABE

You old control troll

You have to get rid of all of this NOW!!!

No. You are dismissed. It is my pleasure to catch you when you visit today: just stop whatever I am doing, not judging, forgive myself for my creation, welcoming you as energy, embracing you,freeing you from any role,blessing you with the blessing of Christ

And….

no

that can wait:)

Inner and outer landscapes

This night the cramps were unbelievable – and what helped was strongly denying the truth of the thought “there CAN be darkness that  can hurt me”. The thought was recognized as false, and the cramps abated gradually.
This morning they were back, and I sat down with them. An insight came: the origin of this came from the womb. I “saw” the fetus in the womb where there were strong tensions and subconscious intense fear from the mother – I “saw” the baby/”me” screaming  a lot  -and my father’s intense anger at these signs of needs and pain. I forgave myself for dreaming this, i forgave the father and the mother and whatever baggage they carried with them that manifested as tremendous defense against expressions of pain and need – and the impressions they had got which they now transferred and projected on the new baby  – maybe the first “law” I accepted as true:

“There is something WRONG WITH being in pain. One should be painfree and needfree = perfect.”

I forgave the beliefs and asked H.S to come into my mind and heal what I have made. I also sat with that”repressed” baby, blessed it and experienced it crying in relief. Tensions abated.

I realize that there is so much inside my mind that simply is terrified to relax – because that would mean that it would be open to to these terrible tensions that have been repressed. So I decide that when these old tensions/cramps come up in this NOW, I will deny that their psychological origin/cause is real – but I WILL acknowledge that as long as it seems to be present, my forgiveness will both acknowledge that I have made this, and I am willing to be wrong about it – and also accept as much as possible the cramps themselves – realizing that this is coming up to be released, it is on its way “out” so to say.

And “The origin comes from the womb” may of course be read as ” the origin of these pains comes from believing the Tiny Mad Idea of believing in the possibility of separation from Source.

And it needs presence – and patience with my self.

This is the way that seems the most loving.

*

And today’s fun: I am following a great blog – Living Europe  and suddenly saw how their descriptions of these hidden/unknown landscapes are exact metaphors of the explorations we do of our inner world and its landscapes:

There are some places which need to be visited discreetly, on tiptoe, and there are some communities who have always struggled to jealously safeguard their identity, especially when it’s the result of centuries of unique cultural merging. These are not sites every tourist can reach. But, if you are passionate travelers who are moved by curiosity and respect for diversity, this tiny village may be the perfect next landmark in your journey.

Ordinary, but very unusual

The belief in a separate self is waning.

Yesterday I had an old neighbor and friend over for dinner. The conversation happened without any usual reactions from me: no irritations and no judgments of any kind – neither of her nor me. No inner dialog commenting – there was just a quiet radiant alive space, where our two voices and beings danced in a completely balanced rhythm. No one dominated.

Then we saw the DVD “Extremely loud and incredible close”  and my neighbor had a strong reaction to it: “This is not right. Why should I see such a sad story?” And my response was so different from the old usual one: I felt no guilt, just a loving willingness to hear reactions and feelings. No need to defend my choice for film, no need to be right – all that was simply absent.

In the night there was a new level of stone-hard tensions inside the torso – like my skeleton was a “me” holding tremendous tensions of all that was not permitted to exist/be seen: the humanity’s collective decision to “not see and not care.” I asked it  if it wanted to leave, and there was a yes AND a no. The yes allowed some of the  stonehardedness to melt and   moving out of the system.

I still love to tell stories – but it truly seems that I am not stuck in them any longer

hate released

Pam’s comment on “Allowing the miracle” is so very comforting to me today: this is a day of releasing hate. Sleepless night again – and in the morning, a ghastly dream from the past and our little family and the dynamics in it.

When I wake up from it, I know what the tensions in the body is about – resistance to look at this old stuff. And the main ingredient is hatred, believed in. Believing us three to be the roles of Kip, Mir and Leelah. I see the energies swarming around us looking for a place to lodge, and the three of us with huge filters seeing everything through glasses of attack and guilt, with occasional moments of happiness. It felt like gluey morass, and what started to dissolve it was the knowing that these were memories, and memories can be forgiven. I am starting to be aware, due to David Hoffmeister’s method for forgiving in his book ” Awakening through a Course In Miracle,” that my choice to be upset is a choice not to see the cause: my belief in lack/separation, as a present decision on my mind.

I go to the mall, and a young boy behind the counter does not acknowledge my standing there at all. I am air. He does not ask what I want, and I am aware of enormous hatred bubbling up. I listen to a fascist-voice inside, “who does he think he is???!!!!  I am here!!! waiting to be served!” This part would like to torture the guy and kill him. The energy of it feels sooo unpleasant.

So I leave him and ask for help from somebody else, and is promptly and kindly served. He was there only to show me these thoughts inside that I  believe to be “mine.”

When I come home, I listen to a program in radio. It is a man talking with venom and hate about capitalists. There it is again. I forgive  again my choice for believing in separation.

I want to sit in the sun outside. Take a pillow and my Sudoku – and is met by a swarm of flying ants: they are leaving darkness at last. All over my terrace,  and from holes in my lawn, they are flying out – ready to spread their species.

I want to see this as a sign that the darkness is given to the light.

attaching to stories

How strange to be in  this body. Intense tensions and pains last night, not possible to sleep before 7am. In between, big releases – suddenly “dark energy” just oozed out, accompanied by suggestion from a gentle inner voice. There was a switch between “I cannot stand this, I go mad” and next moment, “thank you for this” when I understood that what I felt was not personal.

At one time, just lying there and discovering how much I was attached to my stories – especially many reincarnations in the past as priestess and seer and such – it all came out to one question: If all these stories go, and the “me”-too – would you still exist?

I would – and I would not be able to feel calm about this, had I not read Jan Fraziers book “When fear falls away.” I am so certain now that losing the belief in ego is loosing nothing, and getting everything that is beautiful and loving.

The tons of snow around here is slowly melting today, and the sun is shining. I am going out into it

blessing to you all

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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