The Christ Smile

I do not do anything – Christ does it through me

Yesterday, both bus drivers were volatile and very out of balance. “Leave this bus, he is not safe” said the ego, and I considered it until I recognized that if God is with me, then I am safe. And He is – how could He not be –  He is what I Am. So I stated my intention to see him in his truth, and remembered my truth – I am the light of the world, and I am here to shine that light. Just like you, bus-driver – the only difference is that you have momentarily forgotten – oh yes, that time-aspect

I sense this terrible fear and pressure he is driven by -and his natural misperception that he is what he is feeling. I remind myself that his misperception is my misperception, and forgive myself.

He now has started to smile to the oncoming passengers, and still drive erratically – stopping about 20 meter beyond each bus stop. Oh what a pressure, what a drive this is. Well – now I have given this over to God, and I relax- and still must admit I breathe relieved  when I exit the bus.

The bus driver on my bus home is one I really like. This is the time of day where high-school teenagers swarm the bus after school has ended, and the bus is already very full. When the bus stops outside the school, he stands up ( I sit 2 meters away from him) turns toward the people in the bus and screams ” go back! Retreat!” No movement, and he yells, terror shining in his eyes “GO BACK! PLEASE!” I realize that  this is a fear that I am projecting ON him. I feel great warmth inside as I realize that this is just a projection, all is well, and I find myself being smiled with. Christ is smiling me. I intend for him to look at me in his mirror. He does, and the smile hits him right in his Christ and he returns the smile.

From that moment and until I exit 15 minutes later, that smile stays on his face. He talks calmly to the next horde of teenagers on the next stop outside their school and tell them that it is not safe to take more passengers on. They nod and accept,just as calmly.

It is a miracle of beauty to witness Christ enlivening him. His movements, his face, his radiance. He calls and ask for replacement, he is taking care of himself.

This Christ-smile is ours to give – as soon as I accept that we are worthy of it

 

Puppet on a String

Welcome everybody! Take a seat. You too, father, I want you to sit down. This is not your group, you are not leading it.

Everyone: the task today is to notice your judgments about what is going to happen here – and see if you can let them go. If not, just notice that you want to keep it.

Yes, it is dark in here. No father, you really has nothing to say in here. And Ian – I will not have you lecture me on all I do wrong.

Out of the blue, a vast storm of meanness and vicious rancid lecturing, invectives and sewer language spews out of me. And then, my judgments: Ohmygod now you all see what a klutz I am, I can’t even find adult words, no control, no control at all how utterly pitiful…

Then the evening show starts:

On the wall, behind Father’s Chair, stage lights are appearing under the roof. A small girl – just a toddler – is suspended by a line and a hook that is slided from left to right. She is also bumped up and down, like in a mini-bungee – jumping as she slides toward the end of the line

This can’t be right? She’s just a little girl – where are the theater workers who set this up? No – where is the cruel director? How can they treat a small child like that?

Sit still, group, I will take care of it

“I am right here below you – if you fall, I will catch you “

Without a word she lets me know that she will proceed to the end of the line.

Her costume is cream and white – so delicate – she is one I love with all of me. As she is jumped from left to right, she becomes older – at the end of the line she is about 13 – and I watch her suddenly freeze to ice. There is no child present now – just frozen terror in a child’s form.

I loosen the hook and take her in my arms. I look her gently in the eyes, and gradually she comes back into the body and says, dreamingly “It is so strange how I suddenly became terrified.”

“You forgot that you were just a character in a play” I tell her, and we sit down in Fathers Chair. “You thought you were this girl on a string.”

“Is it over now? “ she asks.

“I have you now” I say. “You are my little girl, you know.”

My father’s face darkens. He looks away, and black puke violently pours from him. I remind the group to watch their judgments and let them go. Let it be. Let the black vomit come out. Let him purge himself.

It is shame. We all know it is. We have all been there. Eons of black asphalt dung shame. Its acidity erodes a hole in the floor, and he disappears down into it.

Or does he? There is a young man standing where The Father stood. An easel with a large canvas is before him, and he start to paint with precise strokes. He knows his excellence as painter.

We see:

Heaven. Vast and calm ocean, not even a slight ripple, mirrors the sky.Horizon almost invisible. Small white rowboat with two persons: father and daughter. Silently fishing on the big ocean of awareness

The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up

*

More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

Massacre in the mind

The last three days I have had dreams about massacres, stalkers and such – dreams from the collective unconscious. The entrance-light helped me find the reason for the fear: it (the lamp) went out and I asked to find the root of the fear. Instantly I knew: massacres. And instantly the light went on.

What a help this was: now I was prepared for massacre-dreams.

This morning I was inside a massacre with machetes in Africa, saw, smelled, watched and listened. There was a huge naked African in front of me, his body was scarred, he was naked and hairless , and I felt and sensed both his energy and my fear of being discovered and hacked and slaughtered. We shared FEAR itself as energy.

I was also threated by the size of his erected penis. To me, who has a pattern of identifying with the (rape-)victim, it says only one thing: I WANT AND I TAKE WHAT I WANT

Later in the session Kit helps me see another vital aspect of this strong masculine limb and desire: I WANT TO CREATE AND EXPRESS!

How much I – and all rape victims – have denied that healthy masculine push within ourselves – seeing only the crushing dominating part. A great balance has happened within my mind.

Although I identified with the victim in the dream, when I woke up it was clear that this is far from personal. I might have participated in massacres – I think we all have, at some time – but what started the massacre is a thought in the mind that believes that the separation has happened and that we are on our own – without God.The Course metaphysics states that it in fact we /the Son of God as One -believed we had killed off God. Then, in the mind, an experience is created – kill and be killed – killer and victim – guilt and sin – duality. And since we are as God created us – pure creativity with unlimited power to create whatever we believe in – the massacres manifest in this world, where everything are projections of images in the One mind – believed in.

Jeshua – Jesus – and other masters constantly remind us that the world is illusion – and what we seem to see and experience is a hologram, powered by our belief and our wish to experience all kind of stuff.

So today, in a sharing session with Kit, I re-enter the machete-killing-dream – I sit with the energy of the massacre – knowing that there is nothing to fear, it is an image, and only in my mind can it be healed.

I choose to use the forgiveness-structure that Jeshua taught Jayem in The Way of the Heart.

Where in myself can I find this lust for violence? Oh, no need to look far. I have wanted to mutilate and slaughter “the guilty ones” for sure.

“I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created. I embrace you, and I love you. And I free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.”

I forgive myself for wanting to murder and mutilate and kill. I forgive my judgment of myself, and for identifying with this terror-energy

“What is the attack masking? What are they really crying out for?”

Love – to embrace them and comfort them and make them feel safe and autonomous – free to live without hatred.

I ask to see the innocence of his soul. The light envelopes him. Now his eyes are alive with awareness.

*

In the next dream, I am being stalked by a western variation of a killer. I flee for a long while until I think about stopping and facing him and loving him. Instantly he turns into a child, who adores me.

 

What You Are Really Afraid of

Showing up as the Glorious Self

 

Going to bed, I take a glimpse in the note-book beside my bed. I have glued helpful Course- notes in it. I find this from Nouk Sanchez blog: February 20th 2013

“I took myself back to that dreadful scene with the baby. And revisited that moment, in blind terror, where I abandoned both the baby and myself. This time, I was not alone. Spirit was with me.

Here, I wanted to see the essence of what I so badly desired to flee from. I wanted to see what I was resisting. “Spirit, show it to me so it can be brought clearly to the light and released. And let me revisit this dream, only this time let me do it with Love. With a full heart and infinite courage. Teach me, show me, guide me.”

I took myself back to that moment of terror, seeing the baby so helplessly suffering in pain. My grief was overwhelming. “How on earth can I look past ‘appearances’ that are so utterly convincing? What can I do?” I asked Spirit. And suddenly I knew.

To come with wholly empty-hands and open-heart to this present moment. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace. And I broke down and sobbed, asking for God’s Loving Will to completely eclipse my mind and heart. More than anything, this is what I wanted. I desired my mind to be healed. Dropping to my knees beside this baby, my surrender melted all illusion. And I knew that we were joined in the blazing light of His Grace. In my defenselessness…I had “Willed with God” in that instant.

Fear disappeared. And Love was all there was. The baby and I were one in that moment. There was no Nouk and no baby. All that remained was what had always been, but I did not recognize until now. Love.”

Somehow I read: “Meeting up in your full Glory.” The words sank softly into my mind.This is what is called for.I know it is Truth.

About 5 am I wake up from a dream. I was walking through an area with a friend where I felt terror and agony emanating from the ground. I stand still and allow myself to pick up what has happened: little boys have been abused and used in satanic rituals. The abusers enjoyment of the boys’ terror is also present – + the collective judgments of such acts and such feelings. I share what I feel with the friend, she denies my sensitivity and belittles me.

I wake up, body saturated with terror and disgust, and ask “Will there ever be an end to such dreams for me?”

I hear Holy Spirit’s calm clear voice: “All that is needed in this situation is that you meet up in your full glory. Meaning that you know Who you are. It is impossible for the Holy Son of God to be without Source/His Creator. He has never moved outside the Thought That created Him.”

In this moment, there is no doubt at all in the mind: I cannot be without my Identity. It is evident. In this moment, I realize that the agonized experience I had in an earlier incarnation – where my soul  was taken and used as an instrument for “evil” –  is just a thought, believed in because of the appearances. And whatever the Son of God believes in, appears to happen.

Thank God it happens just in the Dream of the ego thought-system, where we believe ourselves to be.

I am awake now – seeing the utter silliness in the thought that we can be something that we are not. The body is reflecting the right-minded thoughts: There is a warm light flowing through me, from head to feet, spreading  to the limbs.

I will go back to the story of Leelah – just as Nouk went back to the story about the baby. I ask to be taken back into these images and memories, and showing up in full Glory. What  I see – instead of the familiar memories of group abuse – is  just blazing Light.

I am the dreamer. What I am usually seeing are projections  and falsities from a terrified mind, believing itself to be split off from  a vengeful God.  And here I am now, in my Self. And with an indescribable relief and gratitude I realize that whenever such imprints of terror from the mind may present themselves in my mind, these energies are nothing I need to judge against or protect myself from any longer. The glorious Self CAN NOT be harmed or invaded. I can stay present – and the old impulse to fly from all of this, to defend against it is met with this: Saying yes. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace.

In my defenselessness my safety lies.

Lesson 153

W-pI.153.12. Salvation can be thought of as a game that happy children play. 2 It was designed by One Who loves His children, and Who would replace their fearful toys with joyous games, which teach them that the game of fear is gone. 3 His game instructs in happiness because there is no loser. 4 Everyone who plays must win, and in his winning is the gain to everyone ensured. 5 The game of fear is gladly laid aside, when children come to see the benefits salvation brings.

W-pI.153.13. You who have played that you are lost to hope, abandoned by your Father, left alone in terror in a fearful world made mad by sin and guilt; be happy now. 2 That game is over. 3 Now a quiet time has come, in which we put away the toys of guilt, and lock our quaint and childish thoughts of sin forever from the pure and holy minds of Heaven’s children and the Son of God.

W-pI.153.14. We pause but for a moment more, to play our final, happy game upon this earth. 2 And then we go to take our rightful place where truth abides and games are meaningless. 3 So is the story ended. 4 Let this day bring the last chapter closer to the world, that everyone may learn the tale he reads of terrifying destiny, defeat of all his hopes, his pitiful defense against a vengeance he can not escape, is but his own deluded fantasy. 5 God’s ministers have come to waken him from the dark dreams this story has evoked in his confused, bewildered memory of this distorted tale. 6 God’s Son can smile at last, on learning that it is not true.

Kill or be killed

There is a place i n A Course in Miracles which says:

“T-16.VI.8. Fear not that you will be abruptly lifted up and hurled into reality. 2 Time is kind, and if you use it on behalf of reality, it will keep gentle pace with you in your transition. 3 The urgency is only in dislodging your mind from its fixed position here. 4 This will not leave you homeless and without a frame of reference. 5 The period of disorientation, which precedes the actual transition, is far shorter than the time it took to fix your mind so firmly on illusions. 6 Delay will hurt you now more than before, only because you realize it <is> delay, and that escape from pain is really possible. 7 Find hope and comfort, rather than despair, in this: You could not long find even the illusion of love in any special relationship here. 8 For you are no longer wholly insane, and you would soon recognize the guilt of self-betrayal for what it is.”

Another one:W-328.1. What seems to be the second place is first, for all things we perceive are upside down until we listen to the Voice for God. 2 It seems that we will gain autonomy but by our striving to be separate, and that our independence from the rest of God’s creation is the way in which salvation is obtained. 3 Yet all we find is sickness, suffering and loss and death. 4 This is not what our Father wills for us, nor is there any second to His Will. 5 To join with His is but to find our own. 6 And since our will is His, it is to Him that we must go to recognize our will.

These quotes point to the fact that  the place  from which the human is looking at itself is something that is terrified of heaven and of Oneness. The Course teaches us in 365 lessons  how to undo this thought-system of terror, belonging to the ego, so we can gradually change our mind and realize that Love has nothing but Love to offer – the horrors we project on Love are our own guardians against  our true identity.

I had a dream this night where a little being crept into my childhood home ( the place in my mind where I keep that home “safe” from changes since it is “mine”.) It was strange-looking but sweet and I wanted to protect it.I put it tenderly in  a sunspot on the floor and it went to sleep.

A bit later the dream-me knew she had to fly from danger, and she wanted to take the little being/spirit with her -and the instant she took it in her hand to save it, it frantically and automatically attacked. Its little teeth were piranha-sharp: if her hand had been in front of them, it would have been mashed to porridge in seconds.

This is the ego- thought system. It sees the loving hand that wants to save it, to bring it to love, as something that is attacking it. Upside down perception looking with fear. It goes into killer mood to destroy what it thinks is dangerous: kill or be killed – there are no other options in the mind of fear.

Holy Spirit, I offer you this mechanism, this belief that is going on automatic.Please correct these beliefs in my mind

And I sit down, sense its energy-imprint in the body – wow, the poor head – and allow Presence to shine right through it

The Light is on

Strange things happen – thinks the ego.

I have a lamp outside my entrance door that turns itself off and on depending on the daylight. Except that it doesn’t – it seems to have a will of its own. Lately, it has started to turn itself off when it is pitch black darkness outside – and all of these times I have sensed strong fear – as if my safety depends on a light “outside of me.”

First I try to do the physical mechanical things with it – turn it off and on, check the bulb and so on. When that has changed nothing, and I hear myself swear because I think I NEED that light to scare off stalkers, I have heard a suggestion that maybe I could use this for healing.

The first time it happened, I said and meant it, “I want light!” and the light immediately came on. The effect was very strong: I really sensed inside how much I wanted light – but there was a belief there: “you don’t have eternal blessed holy light inside. There is something missing in you. I spotted the error – and immediately forgot it.

Second time the light went out, I remembered the first occasion and knew that” this” was for healing. Again I looked out at the bulb from inside, in the darkness, and sensed a strong urge to HAVE this light. “I want light” I said, and pronto, there it was. Ego felt very special and powerful, and it was great to observe that with a smile.

The third time was yesterday. I looked out at the light and felt safety and gratefulness – and it went out. Immediate terror. Within the terror I called out “I want light!” and nothing happened.

Something relaxed inside.” No – this is what I mean:  I have the light inside. I am this light. I WANT to remember that THIS IS TRUTH.”

The very moment “TRUTH” was spoken, the light came on.

*

Course -LESSON 38.

There is nothing my holiness cannot do.

W-pI.38.1. Your holiness reverses all the laws of the world. 2 It is beyond every restriction of time, space, distance and limits of any kind. 3 Your holiness is totally unlimited in its power because it establishes you as a Son of God, at one with the Mind of his Creator.

W-pI.38.2. Through your holiness the power of God is made manifest. 2 Through your holiness the power of God is made available. 3 And there is nothing the power of God cannot do. 4 Your holiness, then, can remove all pain, can end all sorrow, and can solve all problems. 5 It can do so in connection with yourself and with anyone else. 6 It is equal in its power to help anyone because it is equal in its power to save anyone.

W-pI.38.3. If you are holy, so is everything God created. 2 You are holy because all things He created are holy. 3 And all things He created are holy because you are. 4 In today’s exercises, we will apply the power of your holiness to all problems, difficulties or suffering in any form that you happen to think of, in yourself or in someone else. 5 We will make no distinctions because there are no distinctions.

W-pI.38.4. In the four longer practice periods, each preferably to last a full five minutes, repeat the idea for today, close your eyes, and then search your mind for any sense of loss or unhappiness of any kind as you see it. 2 Try to make as little distinction as possible between a situation that is difficult for you, and one that is difficult for someone else. 3 Identify the situation specifically, and also the name of the person concerned. 4 Use this form in applying the idea for today:

5 In the situation involving ___ in which I see myself, there is nothing that my holiness cannot do. 6 In the situation involving___in which___sees himself, there is nothing my holiness cannot do.

5 In the situation involving _FRED*__ in which I see myself, there is nothing that my holiness cannot do. 6 In the situation involving__FRED_in which__FRED_sees himself, there is nothing my holiness cannot do.

In this moment I see that even if Fred has voices who tells him to come kill me, and he does it and even if I might merge with such a huge level of fear and insanity – IT IS NOT THE TRUTH ABOUT WHO WE ARE.AND IT CAN NOT DO HARM TO THAT IDENTITY.

In this now this scenario is seen as illusion – I can see “Fred” and “Leelah” together,outside of it in the Light, smiling – it is not serious, it has not removed our Peace of God – it is a dream in the mind of the sleeping Son of God.

I will write that letter to him only when it will be done in joy – and nothing else than joy

*

11.38pm.

I turn on the alarm. It goes haywire,gives strange signals.It is a sense that I can’t turn the inner alarm off – it is stuck.I call the company, they don’t know what is wrong, but turn it off from their side, and ask me to turn it on. After several tries, it works.

And then  – as expected – the entrance light turns off. I say, and smile inside:

In the situation involving _inner stuck alarm-belief__ in which I see myself, there is nothing that my holiness cannot do.

Light turns on.

 

Dare to believe what you know

Another nocturnal session with Barb…I found a part that thought it was safe to choose agony, safe to choose terror! Barb said: “but you don’t have to believe that.” And it felt T E R R O R  at hearing that – because it believed its job was to choose terror and agony as its friends.

“You don’t have to believe that” opened a door to freedom –

We see that when we believed the tiny mad idea that it was possible to separate from God, it felt so horrible that we chose to believe it was real. But it is impossible to feel safe away from God, since you can’t BE away from God. It all comes back to choice. Even if you choose to be separated, God is still there

If I think of the stone-thrower, and all that agony comes up – God is there too

Maybe these tensions and agony is NOT necessary, realizes the “part” -and something inside relaxes, tears are falling, no crying, just release –

Leelah sees that this idea coming into this part of the mind – the words “But you don’t have to believe that” – that is a denial of the denial of Truth –

Barb: “You know it Leelah – believe what you know -dare to believe what you know

Leelah:  Dare to believe what I know

*

I know

that God is always present. Without Love there is no Life

I can believe I am alone

but it is not true

I can believe people want to kill me

and that is part of the dream that comes through me

but it IS a dream-

and it is true that outside the dream there is just Love loveing

Each time I think I am trapped and overwhelmed in agony and terror, this IS a thought that I believe

I CAN  choose to believe in Love

I can dare to believe what I know – that God is present whether I doubt or fear or believe in terror or not: nothing has happened except in my mind.

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: