The lie we buy as humans

Dipping down deep into the Fuckeat-archetype* today, of violence and attack.

I asked Jesus to take care of my dreams this night, and he presented me for an old repeating dream pattern where I want my daughter to do something NOW and when she doesn’t immediately comply, I become an insanely wrathful monster who controls her completely – or rather, tries to control. The rage comes from an underlying deep feeling of powerlessness and worthlessness.

Awake, I ask to be taken back to a situation in this life where I was on the receiving end of this. It is clear; I am sitting with my father at his own masterpiece as carpenter – a beautiful mahogany desk. He is trying to help me understand something in homework for school, I don’t know how old I am – but his anger scares me so much that I truly think he may kill me if I don’t understand.

I can see the levels in this creation:

Father/parent: it is required of me that I make you understand and learn. If I don’t succeed, you will fail and that will be my responsibility – this is an expression of Love, this is how I have been taught that Love is: full of demands and threats. “I punish you for your own good.”

I realize from where I am now how me being “stupid” was a blemish on the perfect and idyllic façade of the family – no signs of suffering allowed, except maybe physical pains

This thought is clearly based on our innermost and first collective misunderstanding: that we don’t have a loving Self/connection to God, we are separated and on our own. Love is something that must be had from outside – and it must be deserved, and it must be portioned out, due to how worthy we are of it – meaning the results we get at school and at work.

The attempts of control of this façade – and our performances – take a tremendous toll on our nervous systems and our muscles, which have the job of absorbing it all.

I was not aware that I as angry at all on my daughter, before she wrote it in a letter to me when she was 13 – “I was deadly afraid.” What – of me???

My father probably denied it for himself too.

Now, in the night, sitting and breathing into it in my bed, I sense that I simply now understand that my intense fear of angry men is in reality me being angry at me for not being perfectly conforming to the others demands and expectations

That’s why punishing myself feels safe, and I am recognizing that I am a sucker for it.

Until now

I am allowing myself to see these beliefs and HAVE THESE feelings now – no judgments – what a relief that is. And I also remember the bus driver who lost it, where I found my Christ coming out and smiling at him – and he became instantly transformed.

Just by my willingness to disregard his behavior and look through it to his Self and his innermost innocence – which is our original state of being

Hah – I see that the paranoia in me is just another flavor of these beliefs – I have projected my own hidden hatred and murder lust of myself on the others, who have played out these attack-thought/projections in various degrees of viciousness.

“You are doing it to yourself” as The Course repeats – “there are nobody out there but you.”

Here is my repeated thought and demand that I must NOT do anything “wrong”.

Killer and victim- ONE coin. I place it on the Altar.

Just now sitting with the feeling of being “the stupid one” – allowing myself to calmly breath and relax into it

Nothing of it is built on the Truth of Who we are: One with our Creator.

We can pretend all we like here in our world – and it will never become Truth

So I notice that I now actually look forward to people losing it in front of me – I know they are really acting out this old collective impotent anger – and that it is not mine and that is not his or yours, it is just a thought that our ego-mind has cooked up to keep us trapped in its world of separation and fear.What we believe in, becomes our reality.

 

The Fuckeat-archetype* is described in detail in “When Fear Comes Home to Love:”

“… you will meet Fuckeat as Killer / Destroyer, Vampire (Hungry Ghost), Fucker, Crusher, Despot, Invader. Thank God he is nothing else than our own hidden guilt and self-hatred, which forever awaits our forgiveness. His main defeaters are Play, Creativity, Humor, Love and Forgiveness – as you will see from our stories.”

And then  The Course will speak the last word:

M.VI.7 The more grotesque the dream, the fiercer and more powerful its defenses seem to be. 8 Yet when the teacher of God finally agrees to look past them, he finds that nothing was there. 9 Slowly at first he lets himself be undeceived. 10 But he learns faster as his trust increases. 11 It is not danger that comes when defenses are laid down. 12 It is safety. 13 It is peace. 14 It is joy. 15 And it is God.

 

 

 

 

Being “interesting”

In the West, we are obsessed with individuality – our “me” and how special we are. The Course points this out to us again and again – how much we think our “specialness” is Who we are, and how terrified we are of losing it. In the East,they are – still – so much more oriented toward community.

Interesting. Westerners place big value on being interesting. Something that defines me apart from the rest – and that this definition by others is what I live for.

I sense the shame and helplessness underlying this belief – that I have to be interesting? There is truly no insight here that my value is given: I AM as God created me.

The truly great artists disappear in what they do and create, allowing it to express through them – and do not claim it as solely theirs. Still – the way they paint/play/compose couldn’t have been expressed exactly like THAT by anybody else – and here is the place where what the Course calls “specialness” may enter: the insidious belief that the separate you-personality is the creator, instead of the “receiver” and the “expressor” – attentively listening to What wants to come through you – and the strange belief that what you create,  should be compared in value to what another creates.

“I cant’ find the words…I don’t know what to say… I am boring ” – can you sense the shame underlying this, the performance pressure – and underlying all of it, is a false thought that we collectively have bought into:

“Stillness/non-doing is  boring.And dangerous.”

Of course I believe it is dangerous: the ego wants me securely planted in the belief that ONLY when I am “interesting” and perform in ways it/the collective/ applauds – which frequently has to do with fame and glory – can I relax and accept myself.And as long as I, identifying with the ego-thought system, am convinced that my value rests on performance and others’ judgments.

Lately, when I have found  myself in Stillness  much more often, the sense of restlessness – that I need to DO SOMETHING has been completely overwhelming.

Now I realize with a big breath that this irritated fear energy just comes from this basic premise and false thought: Stillness is dangerous. Only when you create art for others can you be allowed to be one of us.

Love is the state of consciousness that accepts and embraces it all. There is no judgment in divine love – while the very interesting-specter is built upon evaluation and judgment.

As Spirit, made in God’s Image, we chose which thoughts we believe in and therefore make our reality from.

The old collective thought “ I have to be special/outstanding/interesting/ in order to feel valuable and receive love” I now declare as false –

I remember the huge aura of Stillness around Eckhart Tolle on the retreat I recently attended – and how much old stuff it brought up in all of us, being saturated in that field. No wonder there is great fear in the ego mind about re-entering our true origin – but is a false alarm:)

Here is my new choice:)

I choose to rest in Silence.Right here. Right now

All comes from this origin. It is Home.

Reminding myself as soon as I recognize one of the many insidious thoughts that I am not as God has created me – and choosing again, until I truly know who I am

Ha:) Recognizing that I wrote my post before this from Silence

*

Poem for today:

Lalala

Phineas von Foggerty and Agonus von Due
are two little fellas who live within you
When Phineas is laughing and stroking your hair
is Agonus just busy and cooking up fear

He simmers it slowly and sweetly, that liar
my god and my god look your hair is on fire
It hurts and it HURTS but van Foggerty’s present
he gives you a hug and a star and a pheasant

But Agonus von Due goes ballistic with spite
and your hair is now burning as bright as a fight
made in hell, and you scream and you fall to the floor
and Agonus is yelling and hollering “MORE!”

And then in a POOF he is caught by a spark
of red fire, explodes and ascends like a lark
Well, not like a lark, like a fire bird brightly
He lightens up hell with a pyre so mightly

that all one can see is sky filled with suns
and Phineas says, now let’s have us some funs
honey, let us tell stories of beach balls and fairies
and firework crackers with Peters and Marys

and polkas and Pelicans, lovebirds and larks
-look, there’s a sparkrain of fire and sharks!
VonDue is exploding in all kinds of spectacles
he’s screaming in rage and in all kind of dachtylos

-now step to the right, and just watch the big show
we have the best seats in the orchestra row!
Oh there goes poor Agonus, or what is just left of him!

…you shiver and pity the schmuck, or the rest of him

“ Oh maybe I’ll be bored with just nothing but peace-“
But OH, there is Agonus von Due back, all cheese
and this time he certainly comes as Fondue
there is nothing to do but to eat him – yahoo!

Moral:
Eat your Fondue with red Wine and some cherries
Spice it with giggles and shrugs and no worries

*

Velcro

7 October 2015 Velcro

When Peter and Mary visits, and Peter starts his thunder speech against Christians/bad parents whatever, I sit there silently simmering, because the energy of it feels terrible and I can’t stop it.

But The Course tells me that he is such a great mirror for me – so now, one day later, I choose to deal with it ( in this second, a shimmering colorful butterfly flies past my window, not minding that it is October.) So- what do I hate and condemn?

Giggle – I hate and condemn his hating and condemning

When I resist what somebody says, I make energetic hooks where the others’ energy gets stuck- like Velcro. When I change my part of the dynamic, the other will too.

Pema Chödrön, in her book Fail, fail again, fail better says “The Tibetans say the quality no longer have your nose ring ( because they used to put a ring in the nose of the yaks, and then they could pull the yak wherever they wanted.”)

I’d like to use the word Velcro – the two sides of the tape that hook into each other. Both sides/dynamics are needed for the tape to hold together – and when I drop mine, it’s like when you try to have the “feminine” side of the tape – the soft, sleek one – adhere to itself, it can’t be done – just like the hook-side/the masculine/ can’t hook onto itself either – it must have an “opposite” to hook into.”

Hah! I like that analogue

And Peter and I have a super strong Velcro between us. My (silent) resistance and damnation fuels him, feeds him: what you resist, persists.*

But Peter is gold and I love him – I truly know his pattern is a gift to me. And when they have left (we had a lot of laughs too) I can tend to how I feel.

I sink into the heart, breathe, and wait. Ah. Judging and hating anything only drives it deeper into darkness.

Surrendering the idea that small-me/ego shall fix this – “doing”

Doing by non-doing, says the Heart – just breathe and let it be, admit to your feelings of rage and impotence and let it be – releasing any idea of intervention

It reminds me of what my soul sister Ley does: she reminds herself that (ac.to the Course) whatever she listens to by whomever, already has happened -it is already forgiven and released –and in this mode, she can listen to whatever for whatever time, which creates the healing space for the situation to un-velcro itself – no resistance ♥

Oh oh oh in this moment a little greenfinch lands right on the windowsill just 50 cm away from me, it feels like a caress – and something in the brain lets go – all encompassing beautiful gentle release – it feels like wakening from a terrible and very long dream

 

*

 What you resist, persists / Dialogue with Blue 1997/From When Fear Comes Home to Love

This is the second dialogue I had with Blue. He is addressing me where I was at that time: completely victim-identified.

Dear Blue – please explain the expression “what you resist, persists.” Are you really saying that we should not resist an attack – a rape, for instance – should we just give up all resistance and just lie down and be taken?

Let me explain. When you resist certain feelings, they will repeat themselves. When you resist being with certain people, they will pop up to meet you everywhere – because: those people whom you resist, represent certain aspects of your psyche that you still have not learned to accept. You have judged and condemned these traits within, you have disowned them. Your resistance toward these people is manifesting as disgust, anger and hatred – and since LOVE wants all to be loved, She sends you what you resist and hate, so you shall SEE it, accept that it is there, and send love into it.

 

Story from “When fear Comes Home to Love”

4.1 Avatar on the train / 1998

I was attending an AVATAR-course in Denmark. The last night I was living alone in the house our group had shared, and I scrubbed all the rooms. I went open-eyed into the role of Bird as the perfect helper and “good girl”, and used a huge anxiety-energy to clean. Then I slept for about two hours.

In the morning my attention was fixed in a space about 30cm to the right side of my head. I was floating in my Self: there was no separation between me or anything / anyone else. To just exist in this state of being was delicious. Walking with a heavy trunk was heaven. Sitting in the train doing nothing was exquisite. Totally aware, totally open, harmless, present.

Three young soldiers take place in the seats beside me and in front of me. One of them is bullying another, who is visibly scared and acting more and more submissive. That creates more sadistic behavior from the bully.

I decide, from the vast loving space I am in, to just take over his abusive and hateful energy. This does not seem threatening at all: I know he is not the energy he has identified with.

I allow his energy to float into me. It feels weird – but it is it and I am I.

Within the next five minutes he undergoes a transformation. The energy “Fuckeat as dominator” leaves him, and his true kindness and harmlessness emerges. He starts to kindly address the scared boy, who looks as if he has just fallen from the moon. Slowly a warmth and tenderness spreads between them. It is a wonder to observe their true nature emerge.

When they leave the train half an hour later, they look like best friends. I have witnessed a transformation.

I am not saying that this necessarily would go on. But I had witnessed – and will never forget – that beyond seemingly disgusting and brutal behavior is our true nature. The Course’s main teaching is to look with Christ’s eyes on our brothers and sisters. By refusing to see his disgusting behavior as who he was, by not judging him, he was free.

And so was I.

If we are coming from the Self, we will be able to see with Christ’s eyes. When we are not able to come from that Place, we will have to play within the rules of conditional love: setting borders, respecting ourselves and the other.

When you read the Fuckeat-stories, I suggest that you notice what defeats him. That is important knowledge you may use when you meet the next Fuckeat in your life.

Exercise: seeing with the eyes of love

In your mind, place the person you have issues with in front of you. Instead of your perception of him as your “enemy,” look for beauty in any form at all – and look with kindness, as if s/he is just wearing a costume, and you are looking to find the true Light within. If all the perceived guilt slid off – how would s/he look?

Ask to be shown what is truth about him/her. When you have found it, bless it. What you are blessing in him/her, you strengthen in yourself.

Holy Spirit at the doorstep

Yesterday, looking out of the window, I saw something light brownish and white lying in the grass. A dead animal, I thought – maybe a bird.

Later, downstairs in the healing-room where I work out in the morning, I saw a light brown and white pigeon sitting on my garden fence, looking at me. I realized it was the same bird that I thought first was dead – well, he had at least managed to fly up on the fence. I looked at him and wished him well with all my heart. One minute – and then he took flight, soaring.

How strange. I could have sworn he was dead when I first saw him.

This morning, I opened the main door to get the paper, and he flew up right behind my door – the door actually hit him.

I looked at him in wonder as the familiar signal inside went off: pay attention.

I watched him as he humped along across the little lawn – and then he humped up some stairs to a neighbor across the road.

I prayed for help to realize what this was reflecting. Birds points to Spirit –

I look into my little dream-book:

“Dove or pigeon: Interchangeably with the pigeon, the dove is a symbol of peace and reconciliation ( as the bird that brought the olive branch back to Noah’s Ark) and of love ( the emblem of the Holy Spirit.)

But – it was sick! Almost dead! And then resurrected and flew – as if nothing had happened to it – and today it was sickly again –

I put the thoughts away

And later, I was standing in the kitchen and felt the usual stress pattern coming up – old PTSD – and heard myself saying out loud:

But I am not sick – meaning: my identity is not sickness

Thank you Sacred Self – you are showing me, via this pigeon, that what I have tried so valiantly to heal and interpret and understand, is not “MINE” – it belongs to the dream, the illusion of separation.

My true identity is SELF – oneness with my Creator, created in His Image – and surely that can not be sick

But the bird taught me that I think sickness belongs to my identity:

it played out dead – sickly – fabulous flyer – and then “waiting for you at your doorstep, being smashed a bit around”

I love the humor  and playfulness of the divine

“What suffers is not part of me” stresses the Course – which is a good thing: now I can embrace it instead of identifying with its suffering

For the first time, I truly SEE the choice where to put my belief: sickness or Spirit

Which means that the next time symptoms flare up, I will remind myself “appearances only” and  rest in God

The ego is trying to convince me that if  I don’t make the appearances instantly disappear, Spirit is not to be trusted.

Not so – silly thought – the discomfort can be there now, it is not a sign that I am wrong and a failure(which spiritual ego claims) just that the story the pain is telling comes from a belief in separation and shall not be taken seriously

I am not a traumatized “somebody “- I am Spirit – healed, whole and innocent – all is forgiven and released

I am not a Tarantula

I just added this to my chapter “Ghost” in When Fear Comes Home to Love. “Ghost” is all about the archetype of Primal Fear – and ways I have learned to defuse it, through spiritual work and work with my patients and students  since 1988.

:

‘Deep pain in the chest:

I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak: “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors in all the body’s openings – by calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now

The power to (mis)create

There was a clear shift in my sleeping-pattern for some days – and then I took a glass of red wine for dinner, and bam I was back in doom and gloom. Much of that doom came from my own judgment of taking that glass – oh I shouldn’t have – yes I should, since I have had a great opportunity to watch my mind going into paroxysms of guilt and selfblame, and have truly experienced how scared the me-mind is  to lose its identity. I saw clearly the split parts: the nice and clever girl practicing the Course, and the hating suffering part still feeling exiled. After this I had a dream about having received 2 pretty Salmons for dinner – and they were not still dead, so I had to cut the their throat. I did, reluctantly – hating the killing part – and woke up, feeling that it was my throat that was cut. What a huge shock that was, and the pain – indescribable.

Was it the suffering-me-identity that was killed?

When the doomandgloom woke me up this morning, I called for help as always, and as the alignment with Truth gradually happened, I was shown that I have used the unlimited power to create, given me by God, to seemingly create the seemingly opposite of God – to truly explore it in all its variety, and also deeply experience the consequences of it. What is clear to me right now is that there CAN*T BE ANY OPPOSITE TO GOD . Is there truly WAS a REAL opposite, LOVE could be disputed- God would’nt be God.

I have truly experienced the effect of that belief in countless incarnations, and the Universe – the screen for my projections – has faithfully played it out to me, so very convincingly. But it is seen clearly that an opposite to God is impossible –  it is only a ridiculous idea, that I offer up for correction.

When I have dressed for the day, I get an impulse to call my doctor for a check on my thyroxine-level – and I hear: when you call the doctors office and are answered at the first signal, you can be certain that you do this WITH Me.”

Ha. I have been a patient there for 15 years, and use to sit and wait to be connected to the nurse for about 1/2 hour each time. They have an endless answering-message in the start too.

I call.There is one short beep and the nurse answers me.

I am flabbergasted.I order an appointment, and she tells me the waiting list is long. I don’t accept that at all, tell her that I need to check my thyroxine, and get an appointment in 3 days

*

Here is some lines from the introduction to the Course:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

This is how A Course in Miracles begins. It makes a fundamental distinction between the real and the unreal; between knowledge and perception. Knowledge is truth, under one law, the law of love or God. Truth is unalterable, eternal and unambiguous. It can be unrecognized, but it cannot be changed. It applies to everything that God created, and only what He created is real. It is beyond learning because it is beyond time and process. It has no opposite; no beginning and no end. It merely is.

The world of perception, on the other hand, is the world of time, of change, of beginnings and endings. It is based on interpretation, not on facts. It is the world of birth and death, founded on the belief in scarcity, loss, separation and death. It is learned rather than given, selective in its perceptual emphasis, unstable in its functioning, and inaccurate in its interpretations.

From knowledge and perception respectively, two distinct thought systems arise which are opposite in every respect. In the realm of knowledge no thoughts exist apart from God, because God and His Creation share one Will. The world of perception, however, is made by the belief in opposites and separate wills, in perpetual conflict with each other and with God. What perception sees and hears appears to be real because it permits into awareness only what conforms to the wishes of the perceiver. This leads to a world of illusions, a world which needs constant defence precisely because it is not real.

When you have been caught in the world of perception you are caught in a dream. You cannot escape without help, because everything your senses show merely witnesses to the reality of the dream. God has provided the Answer, the only Way out, the true Helper. It is the function of His Voice, His Holy Spirit, to mediate between the two worlds. He can do this because, while on the one hand He knows the truth, on the other He also recognizes our illusions, but without believing in them. It is the Holy Spirit’s goal to help us escape from the dream world by teaching us how to reverse our thinking and unlearn our mistakes. Forgiveness is the Holy Spirit’s great learning aid in bringing this thought reversal about. However, the Course has its own definition of what forgiveness really is just as it defines the world in its own way.

 

 

Miracles

I recently an encounter with my neighbor – ca 85 years old.She vehemently refuses to receive assistance from health care, and is very frail – just does everything herself/alone. So I was there and tried to explain how preferable it would be to accept care in her home, instead in an institution – and this were when she screamed that I was dangerous and a murderer and GO! GO! and I went

I have thought myself to be a murderer when I was a bout 6 years old- really nasty traumas – and so I could use this and forgive. But the story just grew and grew, including the paranoia – she told me that she would tell all our neighbor how terrible i was – THAT was part of an old story too.
A Course friend gave me a session, which helped a bit – but the old stories became stronger and stronger, and just one hour ago I sat bawling and felt my feelings and gave them up and asked to see the truth.

I saw that these feelings of guilt were collective. I was willing to not take it personal – I sat with it, with this decision, and in that precise moment the doorbell rang.

It was my kind neighbor Ian who told me my old neighbor had went to the mall yesterday and fallen, and been taken to the hospital. My neighbors wife had just visited her, and she(the old one) asked her to give me a ton of thanks and greetings

That’s when i knew the old story was healed

Just writing this feels like standing in a shower

Now I can with a full heart – being absolutely certain – give up the old story: it is all been forgiven and released

There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Had a lot of resistance yesterday. Noticed it while it happened – judged it – yuck. Dreams with failing connection to taxis that should bring me home

Let me remember that I am Home, and that ego/me cannot come Home

Session with Kit yesterday:

We find out how vital it is to NOT come too late to our session: not let “anything else” prevent us from meeting up, fresh, rested, prepared. I notice that I often go to my mail right before we start – I think I have to deal with it before our session to save time, “I’ll only…” I tell myself – bullshit – oh the pain right under the Crown Chakra when I believe this stress-thought. I actually seem to believe it is VERY important to get that mail done right then.

It is not important AT ALL. It is absurd

NO: I need to sit and breathe and be present, to honor my connection with glorious Kit and the glorious work we do together – and I prepare for it by just sitting and being.

Now ego is telling me that I use up too much space here with all these spaces and line-shifts – let me just realize that I have boundless space at my disposal.

I want to share with Peter how important for me it is to speak out – and how strong brakes there are on that. This is what I am going to do, Peter – that gives me grounding.

We are sharing stressed situations with clients – and exploring what happens when instead of sitting with it as it is NOW, we try to “deal” with it: it creates guilt, shame and judgments. We feel we are being painted into a corner when we do not have a solution. It creates desperation. “I don’t know any way out of this stuck place!” we say and try to DO something – but just recognizing the blind alley IS the way out – to stay there and WATCH IT. Kit sees an image now: some “green doors that seem to be good ones to go through – but they are pitfalls – you go through and you lose your footings.Then there is a feeling of burning under my feet if I stay – but that is a purification.I see how meaningful it is to just BE with the unsolved situation.”

Allow the “push to fix” to rest – allow the solution to come organically. It will come, when we don’t judge

Kit says: It is Heaven to BE with it – and Hell to try to fix it and be the one who fixes it.

I take a quick trip out of the room to tape a radio program. The first words I hear the announcer say, is: “ A journey through the Heavens – but also through pitch-black Hell.”

 

Today, 5.July -2014

I am working with this lesson 163 in the Course: Death is a thought which takes on many forms, often unrecognized. It may appear as sadness, fear, anxiety or doubt; as anger, faithlessness and lack of trust; concern for bodies, envy, and all forms in which the wish to be as you are not may come to tempt you. All such thoughts are but reflections of the worshipping of death as savior and as giver of release. A Course in Miracles; Lesson 163 – There is no death. The Son of God is Free

Death is the separation thought: that I CAN be without God.

I was listening to Lisa’s audio this morning on week 17 in our training program. I had strong pains in the left side of the body, realized that they were an impossibility in reality, that they were my creation from an identification with ego – and suddenly the mp3 player stopped transmitting sounds. I fiddled with it for a minute and remembered that this means that right now I need to do nothing: just BE with the resistance that is manifesting as this electronic block to listening. I recalled two days ago when both lawn movers died on me- the electricity worked, but not the machines. I realized the sign and just stopped trying to fix it.

Then I fell asleep and dreamed, and when I woke up, it felt important to remember it. I asked for help, relaxed and got nothing. I then listened to the now functioning mp3 player, and came to the place where it had zonked out: Lisa said “ the only appropriate reaction to a Son of God is appreciation.”

AH! Lightening! I realized that I had judged myself when it stopped – just as I had judged myself and the situation when my lawnmowers had stopped working.

Now I instantly approved of myself  -patted my shoulders, stroke my cheeks, talked loving to myself. And NOW I remembered the dream! I could not hear BLUE as long as I was angry at myself and judged myself – as long as I chose fear, Love is not available. The anger was invisible – as long as I identified with it.

The dream showed me in the common state of returning Home – and once again I had too much luggage, and I could not find it. I found only one small rucksack – WHITE – it contained a water bottle and another essential items on the journey: a small journal and pen. All was shining new.

(My old red rucksack is 55 years old, people – time for a new white one!)

Dream-Leelah did not understand that the new white rucksack IS hers. But I do. And there are delicate drawings in it: It points  me to do drawing again each day. I just finished yesterday a big art-project that has taken ½ year, and yesterday I received in my mailbox a book I ordered some months ago:

The awakened eye: A companion volume to The Zen of seeing, seeing/drawing as meditationby Frederick Franck(1979)

Excellent timing once again.

I will draw small things – details: snails. Straw. Grass. Flowers. Twigs. Seeds!

And now – connected to the Self with Joy and gratitude – does the pain seep out, seen as an impossible idea.

And it came back – and I know it is an impossibility from the Place I rest in – so it goes again. And then there is the thought “but what if -“and it returns – could it be clearer? It comes back because I just gave power to the belief of the possibility of “what if -.”

I created it by believing in its possibility.

ALL the power rest in me – what do I choose? What do I WANT TO choose?

The mind cannot oppose Truth and God, but it CAN pretend it is sleeping. Today I will observe where I go asleep – and chose again

Crossing the bridge

Two dreams:

1) I am inside a BIG room in the University, where I have been attracting a lot of people lately – in harmony.

In the other end of the room are two entrances. An immense man stands there with a gun: “I will shoot you all!” My thoughts are not so much that I may be shot, as how will I get past him and out? I DO get out, and from the second I am safe, I start yelling HELP with a strong and clear voice.

As soon as I wake up I start noticing that Jesus is WITH me. I look calmly at the image of the raging man and forgive him as my own creation, now choosing Love.

2.dream:

I am now living in a huge complex with countless others – room 12.

NUMBER 12   http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.no/2011/05/number-12.html

Charismatic, self-reliant, fun-lover, good singer.

The number 12 is related to Pisces. The Tarot card is The Hanged Man.  It represents the completed cycle of experience and when an individual reincarnates as the number 12 they have completed a full cycle of experience and learned of the possibility of regeneration toward a higher consciousness.  They belong to a group of developed souls who have accumulated an unusual inner strength through many and varied lifetimes.  They may still, however, be hindered by old habits that need to be changed.  The soul then attracts what it needs as a learning experience.  A reversal of negative thoughts can bring about very favourable and positive

effects, and can aid in achieving their goals and aspirations.

Number 12 warns of the necessity to be alert to every situation, to be suspicious of those who offer a high position and carefully analyse it, and to be aware of false flattery and those who use it to gain their own ends.  Number 12 represents the educational process on all levels, the submission of the will required and the sacrifice necessary to achieve knowledge and wisdom on both Spiritual and Intellectual levels.  When the intellect is sacrificed to the feelings, the mind will be illuminated with the answers it seeks.  Attention paid to requirements of education will end suffering and bring success.

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Important information for me!

I notice entering a Doctor’s office, bringing my duvet with me – I am let in in front of many people in the waiting room. I am teaching a little boy in the room, 9 years or so, how to transform his past with storytelling, inviting the story fairies to help him. I tell this to the two nurses in the room too, they all listen eagerly and respectfully. Then I leave the 3 persons to do as they have been instructed, and I return to my room via a long bridge. To the left is a high fence, to the right a precipice. It takes a second or too to recognize that where I walk may take me to safety or right into the abyss.

On the left side I am walking with Jesus. On the right I walk “all by myself.”

When I have crossed the long bridge from the Doctor’s office – the healing place – to the complex /the collective ego-pattern/ the room 12 is right there, door open – but it belongs to another girl. I ask her permission to cross it to get to the corridor where my room 12 is, and get it. I find my room.

After a little pause I am back at the Doctor’s Office. I am leaving the complex now. The little boy that before was dumb and very very angry, now looks at me, transformed, and smiles. My suggestion helped.

This little boy is connected to that angry man in the first dream.

For the first time in my practice with the Course, the last days it has been easy to surrender the old habits described in the numerology-piece. I just notice them, recognize they are my creation in “separation-mode,” I forgive them and me, take a step back and leave it to Holy Spirit.

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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