Lonely Girl in the Heart Comes Alive

In the usual night agony, I heard a clear and no-nonsense voice: sit up right now!

I did, and in a king of whoosh I saw that the carrier of the agony energy was my spiritual ego – the one who has followed 10 Mystery schools  and  a zillion of trainings and and and and still feels this agony/rage/anxiety/death wish/killing lust.

It’s simply the whole “false” identity, the perceived “separate one” – the one who sees herself as NOT healed and worthy and a failure – she is ALL OF THAT.

And after reading Carrie Triffet’s last book – about the importance to completely utterly love the “subterranean self” – or those parts of us we have kept as a secret…that I fully acknowledge her presence, and realize how unavoidable it is to continue AS her. From now on relating TO her – is my intention.

Now, this night, I saw that I was asked to intend to LOVE ALL OF THAT – the whole old package of “the ego though system” as the Course calls it – all those parts of me that I had attached to those thoughts and called MINE and ME.

IT was strange to get up in the morning – it felt different. I could neutrally watch “her” and all her thought patterns – but they did not attach to me. That much. I witnessed her go bananas when she lost something on the floor – for the first time did I allow her to yell and curse and it felt just fine and NEUTRAL. No judgment.

She like very much to be praised for having been such a good girl – and I enjoy doing that, loving her, truly loving her, embracing her with what Carrie calls “the rose-golden Light.”

Bow this is weird and wonderful: the above in blue attached itself here ABOVE the text that I had composed on Word and copied. When I clicked glue in, it came too – helping me realize that what I wrote today was the continuation of the blue text.  Clearly  this is archetypal matter.

Lonely Girl in the Heart

 

In the middle of the Heart

there is a fog of woe and wonder –

so little known to itself,

so dreamingly absorbed in the

layers of illusion.

But look:

it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!

I am so lonely so lonely

and I do not know of my fears –

I sense them only when I am held

but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces

someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?

A great light and soft love surround me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

 

The inner Child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

*

Today is 23.March 2020 – 22 years after I wrote the above, as a part of my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”  – and I found the child, the Heart -and -body connection was made, and my whole experience of life has changed.

Before that, earlier today,  I sensed with deep grief that I truly wanted to be grounded – but there has always been something that refuses to be inside the body. I have sensed there is a root connection through my feet and the perineum – but I wanted the feeling/energy of the dissociated child  to be fully incarnated. I prayed deeply for help with this, and suddenly I KNEW that she was HERE – inside me – and the mother of all griefs burst forth. I have never cried like THAT before – completely new quality – now embracing all that loneliness.

Do you know what more is present:

My creativity – and two years of crazy wolf hunger is GONE

JUST GONE

The constant inner strong bumping pulse in the midsection – gone

So now I knew how I feel – and how SHE felt – so I decided to play with her with words. It felt like an adorable little girl of 4 years was present, a separate being – and I communicated with her just as I would do with a girl of flesh and blood.

It was very helpful to have worked with “parts” most of my 30 years as a therapist 😊

She has been behind the wolf hunger – and the impossibility to do anything creative and playful. Now she composed an adorable story about a pig who had the moon inside her and spread moonlight all over her surroundings.

I am aware that this energy of her needs time to solidify and integrate. Of course! Bless her!

 

I feel tired in a healthy way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Velcro

7 October 2015 Velcro

When Peter and Mary visits, and Peter starts his thunder speech against Christians/bad parents whatever, I sit there silently simmering, because the energy of it feels terrible and I can’t stop it.

But The Course tells me that he is such a great mirror for me – so now, one day later, I choose to deal with it ( in this second, a shimmering colorful butterfly flies past my window, not minding that it is October.) So- what do I hate and condemn?

Giggle – I hate and condemn his hating and condemning

When I resist what somebody says, I make energetic hooks where the others’ energy gets stuck- like Velcro. When I change my part of the dynamic, the other will too.

Pema Chödrön, in her book Fail, fail again, fail better says “The Tibetans say the quality no longer have your nose ring ( because they used to put a ring in the nose of the yaks, and then they could pull the yak wherever they wanted.”)

I’d like to use the word Velcro – the two sides of the tape that hook into each other. Both sides/dynamics are needed for the tape to hold together – and when I drop mine, it’s like when you try to have the “feminine” side of the tape – the soft, sleek one – adhere to itself, it can’t be done – just like the hook-side/the masculine/ can’t hook onto itself either – it must have an “opposite” to hook into.”

Hah! I like that analogue

And Peter and I have a super strong Velcro between us. My (silent) resistance and damnation fuels him, feeds him: what you resist, persists.*

But Peter is gold and I love him – I truly know his pattern is a gift to me. And when they have left (we had a lot of laughs too) I can tend to how I feel.

I sink into the heart, breathe, and wait. Ah. Judging and hating anything only drives it deeper into darkness.

Surrendering the idea that small-me/ego shall fix this – “doing”

Doing by non-doing, says the Heart – just breathe and let it be, admit to your feelings of rage and impotence and let it be – releasing any idea of intervention

It reminds me of what my soul sister Ley does: she reminds herself that (ac.to the Course) whatever she listens to by whomever, already has happened -it is already forgiven and released –and in this mode, she can listen to whatever for whatever time, which creates the healing space for the situation to un-velcro itself – no resistance ♥

Oh oh oh in this moment a little greenfinch lands right on the windowsill just 50 cm away from me, it feels like a caress – and something in the brain lets go – all encompassing beautiful gentle release – it feels like wakening from a terrible and very long dream

 

*

 What you resist, persists / Dialogue with Blue 1997/From When Fear Comes Home to Love

This is the second dialogue I had with Blue. He is addressing me where I was at that time: completely victim-identified.

Dear Blue – please explain the expression “what you resist, persists.” Are you really saying that we should not resist an attack – a rape, for instance – should we just give up all resistance and just lie down and be taken?

Let me explain. When you resist certain feelings, they will repeat themselves. When you resist being with certain people, they will pop up to meet you everywhere – because: those people whom you resist, represent certain aspects of your psyche that you still have not learned to accept. You have judged and condemned these traits within, you have disowned them. Your resistance toward these people is manifesting as disgust, anger and hatred – and since LOVE wants all to be loved, She sends you what you resist and hate, so you shall SEE it, accept that it is there, and send love into it.

 

Whirlpool

I found this whirlpool-video on FB.

What IS it!!screams ego, and wants to know about the biological reason for this vortex of seeming devastation.

Well – I did Nouk Sanchez’  “invocation of the Miracle, ” ( you find it in her book, and also as an mp3) and learned this:

Seen from Spirit: this is a thought of separation and destruction – believed in, and therefore endowed with the Power that God created us with. What we believe in, we enliven and experience as real – and will be given any form of destruction. The form means absolutely nothing – unless we identify with the ego thought system and the “me” that belongs to it – then it becomes our experience, and very real. But appearances are just that – illusions dreamed up in the name of separation. In this case, we are dreaming up an image of the huge and overpowering Nature and the fragile parts of it being sucked into the abyss. And we all have our special and personal images of what that hell is – and we feed it with our fear.

Which is nothing more than the ego’s enormous fear of being dismantled and sucked down into nothingness.

But the ego IS nothing in itself: it is a thought-system of lies, believed in – and only our sacred power of belief gives it form and appearance as real.

Holy Spirit, I am willing to have this perception healed and corrected.

The turmoil I am feeling in the start of the invocation is the turmoil of doubting the power of God – that is, doubting God Itself, and therefore doubting my Divine Christed Self, created in His Image. This is the very  symbol of the whirlpool in the video.This doubt sucks us down into the hell of denial of our own sacred self, our own True Nature. And as I feel this collective doubt right now in THIS body, I at the same time choose to accept myself RIGHT NOW – inside this whirlpool of false perception. I am not guilty or sinful for believing in lies – but oh how I notice the unpleasant consequences  of those false thoughts.

I forgive myself for using this image of destruction to punish myself – to make myself small and suffering, scared and doubtful, which is what ego wants.

Nouk reminds us that to receive the miracle, we need to want our perception to heal MORE than we want the form to change/heal – since it is my perception of it that creates the form/my world.The darkness and destruction is in my mind – the outer world is just an image of thoughts is my mind that I/ the Son of God/ believes in.

It is only my perception of the whirlpool as A PROBLEM that makes it scary.

Thanks for that reminder, Nouk. That deserved red

Take that label “problem” off: this is just an image I made where I could attach my fear,doubt,guilt and sin-bundle that the ego offers. The ego has ONLY the power I choose to give it.

I allow God’s version of Love to replace my choice for ego’s destruction. I claim my guiltlessness which IS the will of God. I accept Miracles as my inheritance. I accept that now my will is joined with God’s. I accept the my holiness reverses all the laws of the world – because God has given it to me as Christ. I accept that the healing that I asked for, already has taken place – contrary to any appearances remaining.

Looking at the whirlpool now, the former reactions of agony and despair have gone. The deep belief of guilt has gone: nope – I have not caused this: it never happened in reality, just within the collective nightmare we seem to be living in.

Nouk reminds me that God has already healed the cause of the problem/the belief in the separation. Now it’s up to me to truly trust my true Christ identity.

*

I am lying in bed, talking this into my recorder.A bright square appears on the wall in front of me.

DSC01108It is a shadow of a star – the sun just now moved into the window beside my bed. I Immediately smell Blue’s way of playing, jump out of my bed  – and spot the star I have attached on the wall behind my bed:

DSC01111 (2) - Kopi

Ah! That was a sweet reminder!

Then I realize that this star is NOT the star that I see as a shadow i n the lighted square on the wall. Here is THAT star:

DSC01116

This is a little journeyer from Tove Jansson’s beloved books about the Moominfamily: The Moomrik. He loves to travel, and never stay at any place where he arrives. It is the Journeying he loves: THIS moment. HERE. And all the ways he appreciates it: the special shade of blue in the sea and clouds. The smell of salt in the air. The silent humming from his leading star:

The Heart

DSC01115

The original boat with Moomrik is just 2 inches – but I hope you enjoy his expression and joy of the journey

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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