Life Loves Me

The gratefulness I feel right now is enormous

The methods I use and teach as a healer, beside Expressive Arts Therapy, are A Course in Miracles and Spontaneous Transformation Technique©

Yet another digital thingy has helped me lately – my readers will remember  the out-door lamp and the door bell – is the timer on my cell phone! I have used it to time a five minutes x 3-meditation in lesson 3  in The Way of Mastery – and it has done weird things: I sit and wait for the timer to ring – and it does not – and I sit and wait and wait – and it does not ring …

So I open it to look how many minutes I have left, since it feels I have sat there for 10 minutes at least – and the second I grip the phone to open it, it rings.

The two first times this was fun – but now, after this repeating for the last 4 weeks, today I got the idea to watch the TV-clock in front of me. Sure enough, it showed 10 minutes as I sat there waiting for the timer to sound the five-minute-signal.

I was aware that what I started out with today, was the tremendous feeling of pressure and force, OCD-like – I HAVE TO “get” this – control this – understand this. And I sat as Christ with it, allowing it to be there,truly wanting to be guided to realize what the gift was.

These obsessive-compulsive feelings have laid my creative life barren for the last two months: I have been stuck in believing I have to produce a creative “result” – a painting, a sculpture, a poem – instead of enjoying myself playing and watching where it wants to go. Everything has shut down, coalesced into a hard ball of compulsion, no joy whatever,  life becoming dull and pale as a tepid puddle

Now -the cellphone behavior has stayed that way until I at last today KNOW what that time-weirdness was FOR: Yet another digital way my Universe  shows me that I AM SAFE. I am taken care of – I can trust this, and therefore trust the process, completely.

The moment I realized, I left the Christ meditation and found that part of me who had needed to hold on to this compulsive self-coercion as a way to survive. I asked where it could be found in my body: left lung. I went there and saw this terrified one who needed to control herself completely after severe trauma in order to stay safe inside her family. The moment I discovered her and told her that I saw her and was there for her, the energetic connection was made. The dams of grief broke. She saw she was not alone any longer. I acknowledged to her that it had been a vital choice to make when she was little – it would have been dangerous to be open about this in the family – she would not have been heard at all. As long as nobody would see and hear and listen to her, this was a wise choice to take. Holding on to this, creating this pattern, has kept us alive and functioning – and now is the glorious moment to let it out and express, with me as her loving companion.

So she did the best thing she could at that time: making a decision to control ,repress, push away whatever reminded her of the agony.  NOW – with me – she was no longer alone, the spell could be dissolved.

And so we dissolved it – I encouraged her to feel the fear and anger and express in any way she wanted and needed, while I was witnessing it all from a neutral and all-loving observer-state – like a fairy godmother maybe. You know these godmothers – they love us and support us, but will never interfere with our feelings, they trust us completely to have the strength and wisdom necessary to go through life – into the desert and out again. Some even does that in 40 days. I have used a bit longer.

There came a moment where she discovered that the LOVE that embraced her was stronger than the original trauma, and the beliefs unwound beautifully.

I asked her then, what did she need now – after all of this?

Pause. “That you don’t get mad if I fall back into the control-pattern.”

Realizing, that only if I believed that to be serious, I would be in trouble – just being aware that “oh, there I go again, no biggie” would be just fine.

Watching how the ego wants guilt and punishment to strengthen its hold on us

 

Now I checked out the cellphone timer again in 5 minutes –  meditation. Twice. The timer behaving like other timers – signaling after five minutes. What does this mean?

OH! here comes rushes of spiritual energy! It means I am looked after! This is the third time God has shown me She uses whatever means to show me that I am NOT a separated traumatized human being.

The first was my outdoor lamp that lightens automatically when it is dark. Whenever it did not, for 3 years, I could stand there and look at it and find whatever darkness in me at that moment that I believed was true – and acknowledge it and forgive myself – and the light went on.

The second was the electronic door-bell, who the last year has co-cooed in a different way than when one pushes the button – it co-coo’es when nobody is there. Except I now know that my Self is there, each time letting me know to put everything I do away, sit down and pay attention to the energies that wants to come through and be released

The third – all good things go by threes – is today, my cellphone-timer. It took me just one month to see it this time.

All of this – through the last 5 years – to help me see that I am taken care of

It pretty well takes care of the separation-conviction!

It shows me: in each and every situation where “things happen,” I have the choice to how I want to relate to it. As a victim – oh this is too serious, I am being punished, I must have done something to deserve this, I haven’t done “enough “ (therapy, work on myself, exercise blah) – or as creator:

This has come up for me to see and love. I acknowledge that something happened sometime  – in this or other lives / in other dimensions of the multidimensional hologram of the universe, that caused me to make beliefs and draw conclusions from what happened – and what they all have in common is the root-belief of the human: I am on my own here. Every man for himself. Love and acknowledgments must be earned from others/ the outside.

As soon as I turned toward that compulsive obsessive controller inside with curiosity and love, she led me straight back to Source – and then the Outer ( this time the cell-phone) mirrored my new – and true – perception. As soon as I saw the real meaning of the cellphone-behavior, it turned back to normal.

*

Back to the little one in the left lung:

I asked her to imagine out how it would feel to truly KNOW that the pattern was gone, that is was absolutely safe – just pretending , just playing –

She told me it would feel so safe

And how does it feel to feel so safe?

Like life is safe for me –  life is simple – life loves me! LIFE LOVES ME!

I sat as the observer and allowed the energy of this belief to flow through me – LIFE LOVES ME

And we had a little ceremony where she said three times with me I AM LOVED BY LIFE, claiming it and owning it

 

 

Door-bell signals – from the wilderness

I have decided for decades  that I want the Universe to mirror to me where I go unconscious and where I need to heal and forgive. The Universe has been very very cooperative – including mirroring me via PC(freezing up,) cellphone : NO energy at aaaalllll – and can’t get charged! and also via my outdoor lamp that lightens up when it is dark outside – or, in my case, light goes out when it shouldn’t, and comes on again when I have found the places where I hold on to darkness( read:false beliefs of limitation  – and fear.) It comes on again by me just realizing where I have been in error, and being happy about being shown.

Lately, the door-bell has sounded several times when nobody has been there.

The first times I freaked out, there was a ghostly energy about it. So I sat down and asked for help, and was told that this was a part of me that I had violently dismissed and judged and feared and hated –  old incarnation. The energy imprint of it is still there in my soul – could I just sit with the part of me who I had judged so intensely, and just listen to it, and find out why it had behaved in this way?

It showed me the acts were done from  intense fear, and needing to protecting itself, out of the beliefs it had at that time – which were that it was guilty and sinful and completely separated from God’s Love. Or so it believed, at that time – that separation IS possible.

I know better now – and I chose to be with that part. When it noticed that it was not alone, and not judged, things happened very fast – in just five minutes or so, warm clouds of love arose to embrace us.

I thought that was it – but since then, it has happened again. The spooky feeling has abated a little – and I have sat with that new aspect too.

Today it happened again – This time, there were no spooky energies –  and I sat down and was guided to pick up a new book I have bought: Circle of Grace by Jan Richardson. Wanton Gospeller Press.

I opened it on this verse:

Blessing that meets you in the Wilderness.

Last verse, that my first finger pointed at:

“Let this blessing be

the road that

returns you.

let it be

the strength to carry

the wilderness

home.”

©Jan Richardson. janrichardson.com

This happened the first time in 2014.

It’s moves me to read now the insight I got at that time:

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings.

This was a thought I got – and the door-bell signal came the second i had thought it: PAY ATTENTION!
That’s how strong that energy was, in that sentence – in that truth:

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings

*

So now I am the place where I truly let that belief go – that I need to accept blame for others’ wrongdoings. And instead be returned to my Self, and carry my (be)wilderness Home.

The Know-it-all

Or, should we call him/her the Besserwisser, the Lecturer.

Yesterday I had a serious case of being besserwissed.(Ha, the word-corrector suggested blessed!:)) And it sure has turned out to be a blessing.

I asked a question to a teacher, and for over ten minutes he lectured and besserwissed and droned on, with great power and conviction. I felt: invisible – dropped – powerless- crushed –  intimidated – a stupid klutz. And angry.

I  subconsciously called that response out of him, so to at last see the pattern and heal it.

So this morning I went into the Observer mode of  the Spontaneous Transformation Technique: *** see below

Neutral, emphatic,patient, no agenda – just wanting to BE with this part that was lectured to. I told it I saw it ( it sat in my solar plexus): I am here. I am not going anywhere.I am in support of you.

There was a substantial relaxing response, showing me that this “part” had made the connection. It was no longer isolated and separated. And there is the first shift: awareness comes into this old pattern of victimhood: the one with no power, no voice.

So what was the advantage of that position? was my question – (I know that I can’t let go of anything that I think I am the victim of -) why did I need others to lecture me?

Simple. So that I could be the nonthreatening powerless one. The one who was not noticed, had no responsibility. The one who did not provoke status quo, the belief system/religion on the rulers – and who therefore was reasonable safe from being accused and burned at the stake or tortured by one of the zillion inventive was man has concocted.

I truly saw that this was  a CHOICE I had made: to shut down my true authentic voice and will. I have made that choice WITH the power that God has given us all – the one we have, being created in His/Her Image. So that choice to be powerless is mighty powerful!

So I had made my Universe, as Jennifer McLean teaches: we all made it from 1)the beliefs we made when small when we were hurt and traumatized – in my case: ” Life is dangerous if you talk back,if you say no. You are here to make others feel better.You do not count at all as YOU – you are a “wrong copy.”

And then life works like this: 2) we make our coping mechanisms to survive – based on these beliefs – and voila, this is our Universe now: I think/believe that I will not be respected – this is a “Universal Law” for me now, based on my beliefs based on my early experiences. And I will perceive the world THROUGH the filters that I put up – and people who enters my Universe will have no choice, they will turn up to disrespect me – until I  can forgive myself for these creations, and deeply honor and love the aspect of me who started this Universe.

When I encouraged that aspect of me to feel it all, there was tremendous fear from all the times this soul experienced torture – and most of all, all the times it spoke up and loved ones suffered the consequences of that. It’s all there, in the One Mind we all share – and what we all heal, seemingly on our own, we make available for us all to tap into and share.

These times, huge waves of awakening sweep over the planet – what was before tucked under, now comes up to confront us – (a reluctant thank you, Mr Trump!) – We can only heal what we allow ourselves to see, to forgive, to release. And my deep experience is that when I allow these old defense and protection-mechanisms to come up – to be seen, and HONORED for their way of protecting us from harm – then  my Universe mirrors THIS new view of me/my life/ back to me.

*** The Spontaneous Transformation Technique is a unique, therapeutic system of healing. You can read more under “Services.”

This is a healing way to deal with the energy that get trapped in our stories and traumas, and help it to unravel and transform, when it at last is looked at with love. This opens a space of great healing and allowing of what is – and from this space you can play and explore how you want your future to look – free from the old patterns.

1.session is free!

Commitment

Sarita mentioned in the Way of Mastery-webcast Jeshua’s reminder of commitment to intention. That sank in. In the night, the inner Voice said “ drink water, go pee.” No way – I did not want to leave my warm bed and get all awake and sleepless. “Commitment.” Oh that. No. I want to be here for that inner suffering child, take care of her, keep her warm. Etc etc etc.

It seemed like hours went by before I decided to honor my commitment and not talk it away. I sat up, drank water, went to pee – and then the huge release started in the body. Giant yawns for a long time. Realizing the huge conditioning we all are subjected to when growing up – this is the “ME” we are taught to believe that we truly are. No wonder we defend it.

Went back to bed – and realized that my commitment has been to the ego, to keep the idea of the suffering me alive. And realizing that God never created sufferers – I did. God never created a false believer – I did.

I lay there, feeling like a drowning one floating up from deep murky waters in timeless eternity.

Then the “bad” feelings and sensations started. I remembered that I am in a “No complaining-week” – “this comes for your highest good, here are the jewels, sweetheart.” THANK YOU. Ideas flowed in, and insights:  I saw a shadow that looked demonic, and knew that it was just a costume – and that I was the costume designer. As my main official job has been in this life – I have worked in the Theater as Set and Costume and puppet-designer

Oh the humor of it!

So – I made these dark and hateful designs. They are MY creations.

The energy is now tremendously heavy and depressive/gloomy. And I know I can say THANK YOU, since I am in a transformational process where I  as Mind truly take responsibility for my creation.

Now I see a figure in a distance, slowly approaching me. It is my creation, made from the intense wish to separate and flee from guilt. A memory comes to me, from something I once read – about a man who met a wild boar in the wood, and immediately said inside: “ You are Spirit, made by God. I am Spirit, made by God. I declare that there never has been anything else between us than perfect Love.” And the boar stopped and retreated.

I also remembered words from A Course in Miracles that came to me on a journey where I met a particular nasty couple with small children on a train – they sat on the seats across  me, and the toddler kicked my legs. Hard. When I wondered if it was possible  for the mother to take him on her lap, she just looked at me as if I had insulted her gravely.

Then I heard this, from the Course: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

I became calm. And in no more than one minute, all changed. The father smiled at me and took the kicking kid on his lap. I got up and stood in the isle, looking out at the stunning nature. The mother did it too, we stood a bit a part. But she turned to me and smiled – such a happy smile. All the heaviness had slipped off her.

Maybe some of you read my post a couple of days ago, where I shared from Pierre Pradervand’s book “The Gentle Art of Blessing” –  about the gang in Rwanda that were out to kill a family, and how the father SAW their innocence and confirmed it inside throughout the time the killers were at his house – and how this transformed them.

In the night, I saw that THIS has been my soul’s desire – to have a life with lots of possibilities to see through the dark costume to the Christ inside.

This process started when I was a baby – and the professional part started about 28 years ago in an agonized demonized night where I asked God for help, and then pretended He answered me. I taped the conversations on my little dream-recorder. Later, when I played it back, I realized that the answers truly came from Source.

This was the start of the long process of writing my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” Here is a site where you may read more about it: with the help of Jeshua – and now –  it is so nice to see all the help I have received, in order to truly be able to ACCEPT what Pradervand’s friend KNEW: ““The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.”

Looking at the figure symbolizing my creation, approaching me from far off, I know that this is not a snap transformation. But this time I trust fully that healing HAS happened – and that the appearances may continue in the world, but I will not take it so seriously any more: what people DO is not who they ARE.

I will add that I am a very good costume and set-designer 🙂 The State awarded me with a three-year scholarship, and I represented my country on an quadrennial international exhibition in stage and costume design. I can now smile a gigantic smile and recognize that this was the Universe’s symbols for me: my official job was in the theater,but as The Son of God I have costumed each and every “person” I meet to play the role I have chosen for them to play, so I can be helped to see the pattern and unravel it together with my faithful friends –  my family, friends, and all my patients in therapy. The symbolism of it says that I in fact costumed the world. LOL

And so do we all – says the Course

Now the masks are off, the players are wiping off the makeup, the costumes are giving to the dressers to clean to next performance – and the players are eating and drinking and just playing “themselves.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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