The Victim Story that Crumbled

I have been through a very taxing period, old toxic energies coming up to be released.

I started with me needing information from the chairman of the board in our housing community: expenses for each house in  cable and web  – I can deduct this from taxes.

1) Chairman takes 8 days to answer. Then she answers with a text, telling me that I am the only one who has asked for this- hinting that I am silly.

2)In those 8 days I bring up a zillion stories about being overpowered, disrespected, not worthy etc. I send texts, she tells me she will answer me, and doesn’t.

3)I send her a mail where I am very straight and adult and state that we have a right to  know these expenses. No answer.

4)After one more week I meet her outside my house, and she is running by, telling me that she is on her way to work out and will send me a text when she returns.

5) 4 hours later I have worked myself into  a state of rage and confusion and powerlessness, telling myself that I have to be firm and tell her to get the finger out – but telling myself that if I do so, we will have a terrible relationship for as long as we live here. I text her and ask for the text she promises – she answers, “I have just returned from my work-out…”

I am now convinced that she is having a power struggle with me – the energy of my creation is toxic and explosive.

6)I KNOW this is FOR me and not against me, and I pray and pray to be shown the beliefs that are driving of all this. I get lots of answers, forgets most of them, since the energy is  tremendously convincing: she is playing with me, as the cat with the mouse, just before she kills me.

What turned me around and allowed me a new perception was something David Youngblood told me in a session last year:

“Leelah’s physical body is safe to experiencing feeling anything she has been afraid of looking at in her mind. We could re-experiencing it – and believe we were being punished – OR, we could experience it as we knew it was going out the door and this was the way it would leave.  – The last moves through you and is complete – the other way punishes you because you think you have to continue living with it. —The whole point of allowing for the energies to enter back into the body is so you will know – once and for all –  that you can experience them and that you will be Okay – you are safe to experience them. Because the resistance to experience them is the only thing that makes them continue to come back.”

Ahhh! Great release – I was just giving power to this old victim-story, and fueling it with energy, and guess if I fueled the dark energies in it too – the ones  that attach to “ you are not worthy of respect.”

I asked myself, what is the root of this for me – what is she mirroring back to me that I haven’t forgiven?

I found it pretty soon – when my daughter acted out when she was small, in a way that I never could in my childhood, there was a moment where I knew that If I allow her to play this out, I will disintegrate, fall apart, looneybin next. I SAW how fragile my borders were here, and I chose to scare her, really frowning and calling out loud –

And she responded immediately, turning herself off. Switch! Obedient crying child.

So I went through a forgiveness-process from “Way of the Heart” – finding the” me” that had to split off/dissociate/ in order to feel a vital sense of “self.”

I saw that both my parents had the same pattern – and most probably, our ancestors

I forgave us all, me included, for the choice of exploring/playing out these identities as soul, experiencing fully the consequence of believing we could be separated from our Source/LOVE.

As I sensed the alignment to my Self, I felt an urge to bless my neighbor for playing out this  pattern with me, and I asked to seen her innocence – which shone brightly at me.

This morning, I found an answer to my first mail, with full information of what I needed for my tax report. Her energy and wording were quite different from her earlier mail and texts – and the energy was quite clean and straight.

A beautiful example of what Jeshua teaches us – how we project our stories on our “enemies” or “relatives/others” – and  as I reclaimed my energy and forgave myself , she was released from my projection.

The Sacred Prostitute

I did my morning meditation – imagining to be, to fully embody, the truth of Who I am – the Light of the World. Connecting my roots to the earth, until feeling a grounding energy so vast that nothing can rock me. Drawing it up into my heart. Imagining the Christ Light pouring down through my crown chakra, filling my body, merging with the energy of my heart.

There was block in the Solar Plexus area, and I asked that my LOVE, my Self, tended to that for me – embracing it. Then She was there: The Goddess – in the form of The Sacred Prostitute. Vast, ALL LOVE. Addressing me and all of humanity

 “There IS only LOVE.

You have never sinned. You were never guilty. You just had allowed yourselves to forget Who you are. When I loved you, I saw right through the beast of you, the sinful one, the guilty shameful person, to your shining Presence of Love.

And I loved that Truth back in you.”

I cried rivers while she spoke, and felt a blessing so vast, there’s no word for it – like all past erased, only TRUTH remains: I am the Holy Child of God, as everyone who reads this is too – The truth is true ALWAYS.

I wanted to share this with you and asked her to speak to us all:

As a Sacred Prostitute in temples through many traditions and cultures, you and I joined in God – although many of you did not allow your awareness to go there, you just felt relieved for a timeless moment. That moment stayed with you, and helped you wake up – or not. You have all the only power there is to decide when that moment comes. That moment happened in the same split second when you decided to separate and experience and explore the world as separate beings. As long as you limit yourself to believe in time, it will come in time – it is set. But you who read this and may know that time is a construct you have made to hold separation in place, you can choose to remember NOW

There are no sinners. There is only One, dressed up as many, to play out separation – out of your own choice to forget who you really are. You have been experts of forgetting and creating deeper and darker violence and insanity, and I have joined with you in the most intimate way. I have seen through the beast in you, the agonized sinner, the tortured child –  to your shining Self who always is Home in God. In union with me, you have known this – and many of you covered it up. Some of you did not, and was transformed. Who I am, cannot be harmed, cannot be changed, cannot be tainted. I am as you are. Wake up!

In your ceaseless craving to be punished by a god that does not exist, you created lives after lives where your decision was fulfilled – perpetrated by your friends in LOVE that consented to take on these roles of perpetrator to experience yet  one way to be separate.  You have all done it all, been it all, and it is all a dream that YOU have chosen – since it is impossible to be separate from your Source, which is God. You can believe that you can – and there you are, seemingly stuck in the world, made up of your own perception of guilt, projected onto others.

It is amazing to me how many times I think it is necessary to be shown this – how deep-seated the “me” seem to be – how all my choices to BE the me I am conditioned to be, through the parents, friends, teachers, authorities, and time-frames I have chosen. Gradually I learn that all these experiences are given to my Soul – so I can truly know that the beast/terrorist/whatever you choose to call it, truly is a cover up – just a role being thoroughly explored – so I can see through “your”  beast to the  shining TRUTH that you are, and recognizing myself.

A Course in Miracles has been my true guide through over 30 years – and the last two years I am following Jesus’ Course nr 2: the one He taught after The Course, intended for all of us who wants to deeper into feeling, and embodying them. It is called “The Way of the Heart.”

When I read the Way of the Heart, I was completely confused about how Jeshua – who his name really is  J could contradict himself so completely! And other students did too, so he answered them, through his channel Jayem, who has taken down Jeshua’s five Core texts – The Way of Mastery PathWays: the Jeshua Letters, The Way of the Heart, The Way of Transformation, The Way of Knowing and The Way of the Servant.

Here is a piece of what he answered – the full 2, 5- page answer is found in The Way of The Heart, Lesson Six – Question and Answer-section

“Beloved friend, A Course in Miracles were initially given to two people who had asked from the depths of their being (although they were not aware of it at that time) to be shown a way to perceive differently. A wise teacher first learns the language of the student. And the two that asked the question carried an orientation in which their primary mechanism for experience was through the level of the mind, or the intellect. Therefore, the teaching tool needed to be conveyed in a way that could be acceptable to them as a student. – – – Those who would hold that the Course in Miracles is a complete teaching device within itself are accurate, IF they understand that it was given to those who are deeply embedded within the intellectual processes, and that it has a specific goal that is self-contained. Those that would assert that viewing a Course in Miracles as a complete teaching tool in itself, if they take this to mean that there is nothing more to explore, nothing further to deepen and become, are inaccurate. View it then, as a teaching device with a specific goal, given in a way that is acceptable to those who have learned to abide primarily in the level of mind that is engaged in conceptualization.”*

*With kind permission to quote from Jayem Hammer, the channel of the series of teachings given by Jeshua through these books.

The Sacred Prostitute continues:

The perpetrator is your creation. The victim is your creation. Through countless incarnations you have played all the roles, so your souls have experienced it all – and so you have the possibility NOW to recognize the “sinners” and “terrorists” as part of your self, just caught in delusion and forgetfulness  – God’s shining children, forgetting who they are, playing in all the costumes available to them.

The world is a stage, as Shakespeare knew- my function and purpose is to share this Knowing through the most intimate sharing the human knows: sexuality.

There is no other time than NOW

Remember who you are

*

If you want to read more about this theme, you might google “Sacred Sexuality.”

 

Crying out for Love

Yesterday a woman in my Way of the Heart-group shared that she used this sentence, suggested by Matt Kahn, when she was stuck:

“Thank you for helping me. Whenever you find the mind bracing against, irritated or troubled by a thought, person, circumstance, you remember to say ‘Thank you for helping me”

Because, indeed, it is all helping you. It’s the phenomenal display of what you haven’t found peace with yet.Thank you for helping me.Notice how in one holy instant, the resistance of mind drops away and the heart moves to connect and join with the grievance, a movement of gratitude, of appreciation, of true seeing. The whole experience softens and you no longer feel separate and in defiance of what is appearing. It’s a movement of consciousness, of heart – towards – rather than away from.”

It went marvelous for along while, and then in the night it just stopped. I asked for help. This “part of me” said, “MUCH better to end this life now. This will just get worse and worse. You know there is a voice in you that is stronger than Love and God.It will win.Just give it up!”

It listened to this for quite a while.

Then there was this clear, calm and truthful simple Voice who said: And exactly this is crying out to be loved by you.

There was an instant release – and it was instantly possible to say thank you to that doomsayer- voice: It showed me what I still haven’t included in Love, where love is still conditional.

The relief I felt was great: now I saw that this voice was NOT stronger than Love – and that I was NOT a victim of it. The love for it poured forth as a started to talk to it – “of COURSE you felt you needed to be right, no WONDER you have been fighting. You truly believe that your “reality” is real. You truly believe those stories that you are worthless and can not have love, ever. You truly are afraid of love, that it will betray you and trick you, much better to adapt to hell.”

The crazy body sensations tapered off as “it” knew it was not judged – and still, there was a fear of surrendering to Love and then hear a horrible laughter, “and you believed in that, moron? how stupid can you be!”

I can still sense the imprint after that shock in the mind.

“Of COURSE you don’t believe in Love then” I said, and it relaxed again.

And now the next stage:  I entered that resistance, and immediately hard the calm true Voice again: Remember – this is not being done TO you, but THROUGH you. The decision to explore this comes from Spirit – and the holy power given you by God is then twisted, hidden, denied and punished and made into this fearful identity, who truly believes in the thought of separation – that you and I are not One. – There is a thought – “It is unsafe to be Loved.” and you and only you charges  that thought  by choosing to believe in it. And by your consent this separate fear-driven “me” is being born – and is living out its hells, all deriving from that belief that it is unsafe to be Loved.

I SEE THIS NOW

 

No wonder this “me” feels safer in a place where suffering is predictable: at least it will not be tricked and shocked

I have made this. What a perfect strategy for keeping the ego going

This is a turnaround. There is no doubt any longer now that I DO choose – as Jeshua prompts us in Way of Mastery – to open to incarnate the Christ Consciousness through the body – to practicing desiring that. And of course that brings up everything I before have held as “me” and “valuable” to upheld that me.

When i read that yesterday, about being open to incarnate the Christ consciousness, I felt a great resistance. And so I met the resistance in the night and listened to it and felt love for it – and now I am willing.

As soon as I state my willingness to embody the Christ, I sense the resistance in solar plexus.  “Thank you for helping me see the place that still needs to be allow and included in Love.”

It is still there, as imprints – but no longer as sign of danger, signs of my “doing it all wrong.” Now its just energy that wants to be included. And the wonder is always that when i am truly willing, the unpleasantness transforms into bliss

*

I read the above into my little recorder and fell asleep. I dreamed that little girl about 4 years old came to me where I live now, and told me she just met a bunch of very drunk men in a wood. “One of them talked to me” she said, and I heard myself saying, “And he has SO  much respect for you!” “YES!” she says, knowing this is true – and so very pleased with this

Writing this now, I remember the group-rape in a wood when I was four

And I happily look at the dream and notice the different perception ♥

 

 

 

Worth

I remember a time , maybe 25 years ago, where my brother, his son and my daughter were going in a little motorboat to the nearest town, and my brother started to yell at his son in a way that took all his worth away. Today I recognize that what happened was nothing else than an outpouring of my brother’s internalization of the treatment that his stepfather – my father – gave him, all the time while growing up. It was just an inner tape in him which he now directed at HIS son. The sins of the fathers…

It was a cry for love – and I knew it in my heart then too, but did not see the larger image: just a projection of what my brother had received: “you are not worth a shit and you need to pull yourself together or else!”

No doubt my father had received this message too. And his father –

I also see the perverted love underneath it: “this is the only way I have learned to try to make you safe – to behave like society expects of a man. No room for vulnerability in boys or men!

But the son interprets it as if HE IS WRONG and unlovable. And must compensate for it by being clever and perfect and unfeeling

I remember my daughter as 10 year old telling me in a letter how intensely afraid she was of my anger – and the person I turned into then. At first I did not understand what she meant – so hidden was it to myself. What a wake -up call it was!

We simply have to own it in ourselves – see the innocence of its source: just a false assumption of unworthiness, given us from someone who thinks they are unworthy – just an unending string of beliefs in our ancestral line.

But a lie is a lie – however long it is protected: our worth is give us by our Creator, who creates like Itself

This is no longer our destiny: it has been broken. I allow myself to be the one in our ancestral line who has broken it. I have seen it, my daughter has seen it – it has been forgiven and healed. Well done, Leelah!

The muscle spasms on the right side of the face releases.

Remembering again what Jesus teaches in “The Way of the Heart” – we have chosen everything we experience, in order to learn how to relate to it: with fear or with Love. How other people treat you is their path – how you respond to them is yours.

I see now that what I have seen in my family as small insignificant glimpses of connection in this understanding, is in reality a VAST space of insight that melts the illusion of separated beings. We flicker in and out of it – and whatever calamities that seems to happen has not a chance in hell to change Who we are, and our inherent worth given us by God.

 

Hush little baby, don’t you cry
You know your mama was born to die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

The river of Jordan is muddy and cold
Well it chills the body but not the soul
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

I’ve got a little book with pages three
And every page spells liberty
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

If living were a thing that money could buy
Then the rich would live and the poor would die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

There grows a tree in Paradise
And the pilgrims call it the Tree of Life
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
Read more: Joan Baez – All My Trials, Lord Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

 

 

 

 

I choose to be happy

 

My entrance-light has the last 2 years been operated by Jesus:) It has sensors and turns itself on when daylight vanes. When the light turns off when it is dark outside, I know it signals that something in me has lost the connection to light. Then I stand in front of it and ask, what do I need to see/hear here? Yesterday what came up was “I choose to be happy.” And there was a definitive shift inside: before I have had a belief that my choice for love and happiness has no effect – “I am doomed” was the litany in my mind – but yesterday, the light went on immediately.

It was quite dark outside, and I took a walk in the summer night. I noticed that my energy was vastly different: – everything IS perfect. I am NOT separate. Oh my God – my choice DOES have an effect!

There was Oneness with all. The apple trees were blooming, I went to the flowers and sucked their scent into me – the Deva of the Apple Tree flowed into me and blessed me. I walked a little round around the block. There was a newly planted bed of white daffodils, and I picked one. There was a strange sky; on the one side it was dark and ominous – on the other side it was kind and light and summery. I was being with these two variations of sky and included them, looking at the dark variety with wonder and innocence, as Jeshua is recommending we do in “Way of the Heart.” Then, suddenly there was a strange-looking very short man walking down the path near my house – his energy was erratic. He had a strange helmet on his head and his walk was jarred. He did not see me at all, even though I was standing in the middle of an open field. I felt an inner warning: “He is unpredictable.” And I was so aware: he did not see me. In earlier days, I was a fly-paper to such characters.

I stood in peace and took in the change. “God – I really choose to be happy.”

I went home and to bed, and had this dream:

I am in a tram with a crowd of passengers, and there is an absolutely relentless man blocking me, with a ton of hatred, contempt and disgust of me and of what I believe in. The energy around him carried the same energy as the two attacks on my house this last year – which are veiled attacks on me.I cried out to the other passengers, “Please help me – take this man away from me!” and immediately woke up.

This archetype of violence is thoroughly described in my book in the right menu: “When Fear Comes Home to Love,” with case-stories and autobiography.

I woke up, and hear myself saying: “I am not moving from this place until you show me your innocence.” Ah. He is my creation – created by unconscious guilt and fear. I went back into the dream, and he disappeared as if he was never there.

In the Course’s view, the ego’s view of God – in its upside-down perception of everything – is this monster who is out to hunt us down. And I am one of the billions who recreate this image in the form of crazy fathers and rapists and torturers in the world, so I can justify “being” the innocent victim and place my unconscious guilt outside on crazy men. In the ego’s perception, you are either innocent or guilty.

As said early in this post – now I was invisible to such a man – and I truly believe it was my choice for happiness that raised my vibrations to a such level that I was invisible to him.

I see the tremendous power God has given His Holy Son: whatever we hold as true becomes real for us in the dream we are dreaming and directing from Mind beyond time and space.

Immediately after this realization, the body started acting up with huge cramps. It felt like acidic balls of brownish hatred passing through my lower legs, and although the pain was remarkably strong, I felt gratitude: “This is my creation; it can never harm Who I am. It is leaving now.”

I am not willing to see this creation as valuable one more second. The creation has been fueled by my unwillingness to be happy.

In this moment I see the dream quality of this creation. My Self can not be harmed. The cramps changes and become electric fireworks.

If there had been no physical attacks on this house, I doubt that I would have found this pattern in the mind and been willing to release it.

Dear God, I am willing to let you take care of me now

 

 

Massacre in the mind

The last three days I have had dreams about massacres, stalkers and such – dreams from the collective unconscious. The entrance-light helped me find the reason for the fear: it (the lamp) went out and I asked to find the root of the fear. Instantly I knew: massacres. And instantly the light went on.

What a help this was: now I was prepared for massacre-dreams.

This morning I was inside a massacre with machetes in Africa, saw, smelled, watched and listened. There was a huge naked African in front of me, his body was scarred, he was naked and hairless , and I felt and sensed both his energy and my fear of being discovered and hacked and slaughtered. We shared FEAR itself as energy.

I was also threated by the size of his erected penis. To me, who has a pattern of identifying with the (rape-)victim, it says only one thing: I WANT AND I TAKE WHAT I WANT

Later in the session Kit helps me see another vital aspect of this strong masculine limb and desire: I WANT TO CREATE AND EXPRESS!

How much I – and all rape victims – have denied that healthy masculine push within ourselves – seeing only the crushing dominating part. A great balance has happened within my mind.

Although I identified with the victim in the dream, when I woke up it was clear that this is far from personal. I might have participated in massacres – I think we all have, at some time – but what started the massacre is a thought in the mind that believes that the separation has happened and that we are on our own – without God.The Course metaphysics states that it in fact we /the Son of God as One -believed we had killed off God. Then, in the mind, an experience is created – kill and be killed – killer and victim – guilt and sin – duality. And since we are as God created us – pure creativity with unlimited power to create whatever we believe in – the massacres manifest in this world, where everything are projections of images in the One mind – believed in.

Jeshua – Jesus – and other masters constantly remind us that the world is illusion – and what we seem to see and experience is a hologram, powered by our belief and our wish to experience all kind of stuff.

So today, in a sharing session with Kit, I re-enter the machete-killing-dream – I sit with the energy of the massacre – knowing that there is nothing to fear, it is an image, and only in my mind can it be healed.

I choose to use the forgiveness-structure that Jeshua taught Jayem in The Way of the Heart.

Where in myself can I find this lust for violence? Oh, no need to look far. I have wanted to mutilate and slaughter “the guilty ones” for sure.

“I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created. I embrace you, and I love you. And I free you to be yourself. And I bless you with the blessing of Christ.”

I forgive myself for wanting to murder and mutilate and kill. I forgive my judgment of myself, and for identifying with this terror-energy

“What is the attack masking? What are they really crying out for?”

Love – to embrace them and comfort them and make them feel safe and autonomous – free to live without hatred.

I ask to see the innocence of his soul. The light envelopes him. Now his eyes are alive with awareness.

*

In the next dream, I am being stalked by a western variation of a killer. I flee for a long while until I think about stopping and facing him and loving him. Instantly he turns into a child, who adores me.

 

Jeshua’s forgiveness practice

  • I am reading through “The way of the Heart”  – Jeshua’s channeling to Jayem – and he gives us a great forgiveness-practice, where whenever we feel that our buttons are pushed, we are (inwardly)thanking that person for allowing us to see what needs healing inside ourself. We then ask to see where we have acted just like the button-pusher – and with great sincerity and honesty saying (inwardly)”Thank you – I judge you  ( person/situation/event) not – I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created ( it is OUR projection:)) – I love you – I embrace you – I set you free to be yourself ( meaning we surrender our perception of the other) -I bless you with the blessing of Christ” – and then look at that image in your mind dissolving into light AND BE DONE WITH IT –
    I have done this a lot this last month. More and more dark stuff has come up – massacres, insanity, what have you – and I have been shown and told that it is all dross from the collective unconscious/the one mind – and the minute I stop taking it personal and don’t identify with it, and surrender my perception of it, the Light is felt – and this really is a practice: today,for the first time since I started practicing, I just had to think about an insane person in my dream this morning for the image with its corresponding energy to be melted away by a great wave of light and Love

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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