After sitting with the inner attacker and embracing him, my body went crazy: so much old repressed energy cascaded out, the body swells and is intensely itchy.  What at last alleviated it was my steadfast decision to remember Who I am and to acknowledge it – the more i did it, the more I knew it was TRUTH.

Clear inner message: Energy medicine with balancing the meridian system is OK – AND you need to find your connection with Me.

In the morning saw that a person – a sufi teacher♥ – had “liked” a post – and I knew that this hardship is part of the path I am called to walk THROUGH – and its tenacity has its root in identifying with the resistance to Love, like the Attacker:

I need to stop seeing these patterns as ME or MINE – since then I am identified with it and illness may happen. In the huge physical manifestations last night I notice that what was healing was my insistent and repeated practice of “AM ONE SELF – joined with my Creator, unlimited in power and in peace.” Suddenly the itching was there, but the identity with it had gone – now I could just BE there and breathe through it – it was not ME any longer, not “my” body.

Here is the text God via the blog writer “Inner Peace” wanted me to read again:

This is borrowed from the beautiful blog:
Imagine you are walking alone at night on a country road.  No people or cars or houses around, just enough starlight to see your way, the only sound the sound of your shoes on the road and the swish of your clothes as you walk.  You feel the stillness inside of things come close. You stop. Now there are no sounds, except the almost-never-heard hush of things being.
You sense the stillness on all sides and an identical stillness within you. It makes you uneasy, as if you are about to be extinguished.  You try to think, to establish yourself against the stillness, but the voice of your thoughts sounds thin, metallic.  You feel an irrepressible need to be distracted, to change the stillness and its overwhelming of you. You walk home thinking about plans for tomorrow.
But in the quiet of your room you realize what happened: you got scared.  You got scared of opening into the stillness, of allowing it to be.  It was a close call.  You see how throughout your life you have invited one distraction after another to prevent just this from happening.  Now you feel disappointed in yourself. So instead of turning on your computer or reading a book or getting something to eat, you sit down and invite the stillness back.
A phrase you once heard comes to you, from Psalm 46: “Be still, and know.” Be still. Be still.
You arrange your body as you have learned to do.  You sit in a comfortable, alert position, with your back vertical so you don’t slump or drift off.  You let your body be motionless, quiet.  The motionlessness of your body is a helpful friend; you know it is temporary, and in fact it is not really motionless – little shifts and sensations keep happening – but the relative stillness of your body reduces your identification with it, with the sense you are your body’s ambitions and memories and likes and dislikes.
Learning to sit still, to settle like this, is called by Tibetan lamas “the first motionlessness.” A quiet body at ease relaxes the persistence of thoughts.  Once the first motionlessness has been learned, they say, then it doesn’t matter if the body is motionless or moving, for the the ground of stillness is always available.  But for now you need this helpful friend, and you sit still.
Now you invite what the lamas call “the second motionlessness.” This is the still, empty openness “behind” each of your senses, the openness in which your senses arise.  You relax into that openness. To say it is not moving points to its nature, but that’s not entirely accurate.  It is not the opposite of motion, or of the visible, or of sound.  This motionlessness is not definable – it is not a sensation. Nevertheless it has an almost kinesthetic effect on you, as if it is vanishing you, as if the existing one you thought you were, the receiver, the photographic plate that records your experience, this”one,” becomes transparent. You begin to feel the same threat of vanishing you felt on the road, but now you relax and let it be.
  “The third motionlessness” comes now, unbidden.  It is the stillness of presence itself – the stillness of a clearness that is always here, behind and within everything. It is what allows everything to show up.  It is empty too not made out of anything, yet it is awesome and radiant in its presence.  It is without being an it.
You remember now how the phrase from Psalm 46 continues: “Be still, and know I am God.”
“God”  – this old, strange word that sounds like a judge and yet still resonates beyond that – could it mean – could it have first meant – this empty Presence without form, appearing as all form?  You realize you are trying to figure it out and you stop. Be still, and know I am God.  The knowing is not thinking. It is presence being present to presence.
You find yourself wavering here – one moment at ease in the clarity, and in the next thinking about it.  You hear the words again: Be still. Do nothing. Let be. Don’t fill anything in.  No need to figure anything out. Relax.
A sense of peacefulness opens in you, vast and without dimension.  This what Sufis call sakina – vast, peaceful tranquility without dimension – and suddenly you are smiling, your eyes are filling with tears – a joy – could it be called that? – a joyousness like praise and thankfulness together, love pouring forth from nowhere, the whole show showing up – mountain, sky, stars, bodies – from nothing, from stillness.
In remembering the Real, all hearts find joyous peace.

Qur’an 13:28

~ Pir Elias Amidon
from Free Medicine


Off the Cliff

This moment in time -17th of August =3:28am -I realize that I do not any longer need to  – and want to – find the specific reasons for my sleeplessness,aches and pains. The ego has had a ball with this idea: the challenge of finding the specific thoughts that create the specific pain or fear in the nervous system it so intellectually satisfying – when I have found the cause, the symptoms most often disappear – which gives the ego a great boost.

I don’t need to  leaf through all these variations of fear any longer – through all incarnations – oh vey is mir – I have dutifully looked for them

I see that it is completely unnecessary

Big fear:” Being a detective gave you control. Now you have no control any longer.”

No: All appearances are the same – they have already been healed eons ago, you are ever only reviewing what has already happened.

An earlier chronic pain in the throat -gone for years – appears.

NO: I don’t allow this pattern any longer. I am not willing to listen to this fear and control voice any longer. I do not value it any longer.


How sweet: this enough comes from a vastly deeper level that the former ones

I see an inner image: it is a graphic print  I love of a person standing before a mirror – and it is called “the Dreamer”. I have another print by the same artist: an angel stands on the end of a cliff. It looks down, there is a white bird floating there – and the angel just stands there, frozen – in lack of trust of its wings

I just jumped

Who is jumping is who is receiving the jumper – softly gently welcoming her home


After this, a dream: I have lost the key to my last apartment before this house where I live now. This is where I lived with my husband before we separated – my life as Wife. I still pay rent for that apartment – I must get my belongings –

No – I have left it. There is no rent to pay

“I choose the joy of God instead of pain”

My daughter just phoned and announced that she and her beau was coming later than  agreed to help me put up a fence.

My first reaction was so ugly and gave me such a head-ache that I immediately decided to forgive this reaction and look to love instead. I opened the Course randomly and here is what I found:


I choose the joy of God instead of pain.

W-pI.190.1. Pain is a wrong perspective. 2 When it is experienced in any form, it is a proof of self-deception. 3 It is not a fact at all. 4 There is no form it takes that will not disappear if seen aright. 5 For pain proclaims God cruel. 6 How could it be real in any form? 7 It witnesses to God the Father’s hatred of His Son, the sinfulness He sees in him, and His insane desire for revenge and death.

W-pI.190.2. Can such projections be attested to? Can they be anything but wholly false? 3 Pain is but witness to the Son’s mistakes in what he thinks he is. 4 It is a dream of fierce retaliation for a crime that could not be committed; for attack on what is wholly unassailable. 5 It is a nightmare of abandonment by an Eternal Love, which could not leave the Son whom It created out of love.

W-pI.190.3. Pain is a sign illusions reign in place of truth. 2 It demonstrates God is denied, confused with fear, perceived as mad, and seen as traitor to Himself. 3 If God is real, there is no pain. 4 If pain is real, there is no God. 5 For vengeance is not part of love. 6 And fear, denying love and using pain to prove that God is dead, has shown that death is victor over life. 7 The body is the Son of God, corruptible in death, as mortal as the Father he has slain.

W-pI.190.4. Peace to such foolishness! 2 The time has come to laugh at such insane ideas. 3 There is no need to think of them as savage crimes, or secret sins with weighty consequence. 4 Who but a madman could conceive of them as cause of anything? 5 Their witness, pain, is mad as they, and no more to be feared than the insane illusions which it shields, and tries to demonstrate must still be true.

W-pI.190.5. It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. 2 Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in anyway. 3 There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. 4 No one but yourself affects you. 5 There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. 6 But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are. 7 As you perceive the harmlessness in them, they will accept your holy will as theirs. 8 And what was seen as fearful now becomes a source of innocence and holiness.

W-pI.190.6. My holy brother, think of this awhile: The world you see does nothing. 2 It has no effects at all. 3 It merely represents your thoughts. 4 And it will change entirely as you elect to change your mind, and choose the joy of God as what you really want. 5 Your Self is radiant in this holy joy, unchanged, unchanging and unchangeable, forever and forever. 6 And would you deny a little corner of your mind its own inheritance, and keep it as a hospital for pain; a sickly place where living things must come at last to die?


W-pI.190.9. Lay down your arms, and come without defense into the quiet place where Heaven’s peace holds all things still at last. 2 Lay down all thoughts of danger and of fear. 3 Let no attack enter with you. 4 Lay down the cruel sword of judgment that you hold against your throat, and put aside the withering assaults with which you seek to hide your holiness.

W-pI.190.10. Here will you understand there is no pain. 2 Here does the joy of God belong to you. 3 This is the day when it is given you to realize the lesson that contains all of salvation’s power. 4 It is this: Pain is illusion; joy, reality. 5 Pain is but sleep; joy is awakening. 6 Pain is deception; joy alone is truth.

W-pI.190.11. And so again we make the only choice that ever can be made; we choose between illusions and the truth, or pain and joy, or hell and Heaven. 2 Let our gratitude unto our Teacher fill our hearts, as we are free to choose our joy instead of pain, our holiness in place of sin, the peace of God instead of conflict, and the light of Heaven for the darkness of the world.


This is a big break-through for me. My first reaction was seen as an old revenge-story, being RIGHT and making the others see their guilt of betraying me ( coming too late, in my view.”

Suddenly the choice was crystal clear: 4 It is this: Pain is illusion; joy, reality. 5 Pain is but sleep; joy is awakening. 6 Pain is deception; joy alone is truth.

I just knew that my reaction came from ego, and would NOT bring me peace to hold on to. I chose to see my daughter as radiantly innocent, and just acting out my projection on her. I thanked her in my mind for  helping me find it and forgive it. When she arrived, it was with a radiant smile and the bestest hug. All blame from my side was gone. Miracle, I tell you.

One time she tried to unscrew an old rusty screw from an old rotten fence-post. It did not budge. I blessed it and it came out as easy as butter. – The two of them worked all day with making a firm base for the new fence-post. I love the symbols of this firm base of the fence: no rotten old planks any longer, and truly digging deep for a long time to help the new post find its ground. Lots of old roots removed from the earlier  sick bush that now is removed.Now my fence joins with my neighbor’s -I love that symbol too:)

In short – I am very happy and grateful and tired. And have truly learned this lesson once and for all: whenever I blame somebody, I need to forgive my reaction and remember that pain is illusion, and that the pain is in MY mind where it can be forgiven and replaced with Love.

Seeing through illusion

Lying in bed just some minutes ago, sensing all the usual blocks and pains, and giving them all to Holy Spirit – and feeling absolutely no relief. Let’s say this is the most common of all of Leelah’s complaints – “This is no good, I am not heard. Therefore this is a PROOF that there is something in my mind resisting God that I have placed there subconsciously. (Of course – that is true.)”And since I feel no relief now, that is a P R O O F that this is stronger than God” Having heard this thought, the mind goes on, in its square logic: “And therefore this is hopeless. I am lost. Ego is stronger that God in me. Nothing I do helps. Oh vey is mir.” (I am not Jewish, but my mind finds those words so very expressive of lament.)

Then the thoughts start coming. They come in a rush, and I find myself noticing after each one: This is a thought from truth and God. The thoughts are loving, sparkling with humor and joy. Their truth is evident. After some minutes of this, I realize: “Hm – these thoughts from God come to me even though there is a part in my mind that is stronger than God – hm that simply does not compute – well then – I simply MUST be wrong that there is something that can block out God in my mind.

And now the relief that I wanted as proof is HERE 🙂

Tears are cascading, but no crying

Just a tremendous joy and relief of seeing through it:

I have not felt a connection to God many times because I believed in this thought:

“This physical pain/ this depression/ this sickness /fill in the blanks/ is proof that my ego is stronger than God. That hostile forces are stronger than God. That “evil” is stronger than God. And since other people can be free and happy, and I am not, there is something wrong with ME, special ME!”

And God – having created us as Himself, has given us this power: that what we believe in and say is true, becomes our reality.

Giving my God-given power to the thought “There is something that is stronger than God” makes it so for me.

Believing in the thought of separation makes this illusionary world.

Oh! The beauty of seeing the power that God has given me! And He has certainly not given it to a Leelah: it belongs to me as Self, The Son of God.

Oh what a chaos it would be if He gave it to humans. And – laughing out loud – the world we think we see is made by our delusional thoughts that we ARE humans- separate – and that it is possible to create outside God.

That insane thought, believed in, has seemingly made this insane world

Thank God it is not real

Thank God it is just a dream

And the joy of realizing: as convincingly terrible and serious and painful the illusion – our world – looks – only our belief in it as “real” upholds this image.

We all as one uphold this image of the world each and every second when we look at “sin, guilt and fear” and believe that what we see can be real and true.

From this moment I can with a full heart mean it when I forgive: all I forgive is illusions that never happened in reality – just in my dream that separation CAN be real


oh beauty


I may forget this too

and then I can take this paper that I wrote this down on and remind myself and giggle

I am going to copy it and put it in lots of pockets and purses

And I don’t mind that I will forget it- that is the very nature of the human

For the first time can I fully appreciate what Barbara has told me a thousand times – Pain is not real. Sickness is not real. ANYTHING that God did not create is not real – so just let it be, don’t take it seriously.

Now that thought is experienced as just a thought –  and seen through.

Oh the beauty and joy of seeing through illusions.

And because I have seen through its unreality, the release I always have searched for and not found, is here now.

















A glimpse of Heaven

Presence is full of humor.

Yesterday I had a Skype-sharing with Cary. The connection to Internet was really bad, and I had  to log out and in 3 times during our hour together. Each time the unease grew -until I knew. THIS was exactly what I wanted to release on: the feeling of disconnection and isolation. It became clear very fast that that feeling was just based on the belief that it was possible to BE separated – and that it existed a “me” who could be separated. As we talked, and sensed the connection and love between us, there was no doubt that when in the present moment, there is no disconnection. No separation ever happened. Just a thought, believed in. Cary expresses how wonderfully open and free it feels to talk right now.

I am resting with the body, the pain, the input from the mental body/ego – it feels allowing.Simple.

In the morning after, the pain in the lower body seems to be more than possible to just be with.There is a deep despair following, believing in the thoughts that it will never change – and then a doubt in the validity of those thoughts.

A window opens: in a nano-second I see Heaven. I see reality: kind. Gentle. Loving. Everpresent. Unchanging. The effect on my state of mind is instantaneous – a deep release, a falling away of trust in the thoughts in the mind.


As I lay there and look into the memory of Heaven – the Image gone, but the imprint still stays – I listen to the mental body suggesting what to do and think to bring it back. I remember Michael Brown’s words “the mental body think it is God” and that is so helpful. Somehow it feels more true to say “the mental body” than “ego” – and it is a way to acknowledge that it feels like “mine.”

I am reading “The Presence Process” by Michael Brown currently – and it underlines the beauty and importance of being with pain. He shares my experience that Presence/Spirit places in our “way” what we need to look at, in order for us to be able to reintegrate unconscious matter from our past. When we can’t see it inside, we’ll meet it outside. I have for a couple of weeks worked with a deep fear of a repairman being scheduled to come today: I projected all the terror from childhood on him, because of something in his voice that scared me and which I made hundred scary stories about. This morning, that fear had gone, and the alarm system did not need repair after all, so I called  central and canceled, asking them to call the repairman.  But Spirit – or Presence – had a surprise for me: 15 minutes later, a little guy in uniform showed up with a big smile and told me he had come to work on my alarm – and it was the same little guy that installed it and worked with it a second time.

I heard” surprise!!” inside, and giggles – this was what Love sent me, and no scary big stalker.

What a great reminder this is: I SCARE MYSELF by believing in the old scare-thoughts. What happens in reality mirrors the healing that already has happened in the mind because of my forgiveness work, my willingness to see differently.

I am again reminded to BELIEVE in what I know:)

Nobody…no body

Sunday morning. Quiet. Sun pouring in through the yellow curtains. I am about to get out of bed, when the cramps come: it is impossible to use the left leg. The only soothing thing to do that works is to hold the leg and foot and speak lovingly to it.

Soon it is evident that I am talking to the small-tortured-identity: it is she who is cramping up – or rather her thoughts and beliefs, which I identify with. Gradually I see that to identify with her is the same as looking for enemies/dangers/threats/difficulties. I have to do that to maintain that identity: it’s how she proves that she is alive and real. I see that she holds on to this – because she has linked hope for love to this ongoing nightmare.

Digging deeper now:

Searching: what is left  – if this girl-identity/belief system should go?

The violent coughing spasms in the chest show me that something in me is deadly terrified of being “nobody.” “A tortured girl always under threat” is preferable to being a “nobody.”

Terror: “I must be somebody – and if this identity is removed, I am no one – and have no body -and that means that I am just psyche completely without will – and that means that I will be sucked up by evil forces in the universe.”

Blue is saying:

A universe with evil forces, waiting to suck up innocent children, belongs to the ego thought system. It IS a dream – and believing in this dream makes it seem frightfully real. Being a “nobody” here is equated with being powerless.

You are not an “ego nobody”. You are still as God created you: the Holy Son of God – sharing God’s power and the Will of God.

The painful cramped body is just a thought in your mind. The thought is not true: God, Who is Love, do not create anything that is not perfect Love. If He did, He would be cruel – and He would not be God.

The coughing stops the second I chose to listen to Blue. The cramps seem to be seeping out of my limbs.

I am grateful to have identified the link between “having to be this old victim” in order to have hope of being loved. It is all so logical and psychologically true.

Slowly taking in that it is safe to let go of the identity as her

Opening the Course to today’s lesson:

The past is over. It can touch me not.

W-pII.289.2. Father, let me not look upon a past that is not there. 2 For You have offered me Your Own replacement, in a present world the past has left untouched and free of sin. 3 Here is the end of guilt. 4 And here am I made ready for Your final step. 5 Shall I demand that You wait longer for Your Son to find the loveliness You planned to be the end of all his dreams and all his pain?







how does these thoughts disturb the space it occurs in?

New powerful Video from Benjamin Smythe.

This means that it is impossible to judge anything at all: whatever happens, happens within a space

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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