Selfhatred – and Grace

For new followers:

I started this blog in 2010 as a way to be honest and vulnerable with what was happening to me,  as a sort of diary. A place where I could  help myself and also, by transparency, be of help to others, by just sharing what I experienced on my way to awakening. I forget easily, and it has been very helpful  for me to come to it and read what I have written earlier.

I am a student and teacher of A Course in Miracles, and part of this blog is exploring the blocks that I/humanity/ have put up between ourselves and our true nature – the Self. One of those blocks – or darker energies that we all have, is self-hatred – and under that, a deep belief in unworthiness.

Yesterday I discovered the light that came out of accepting the energy of hatred of a person in my past. That happened when I allowed the energy without judging myself for being bad.

Hatred is based on fear and separation – and still, when we place our belief in it, it becomes real for us. We start to identify with it and tell ourselves ( and are told by our parents/teachers/media from we are born) that worth is something that must be earned and not our true nature.

My spiritual practice is about finding those blocks – flushing them up – being with the energy of them without judgment, forgiving them – forgiving ourselves what we think they have meant about us – and let them go.

This deep deep did I say deep feeling of self-hatred – coming from the belief that we are unworthy – has many layers. This night I was graced with letting go of one of them.

For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded ANY appointment I have had with others – included  the social ones that are supposed to be fun. And with people I loved. Always there was this DREAD when I thought about it – and this night I asked myself, “what do I really desire? “To be happy” I heard. And then: the thought came: “Just BE with the energy of this dread. Relax, and breathe into it.”

All dread vanished, and Grace filled me up.

I saw that the dread was me trying my best for preventing myself from being happy – since the unworthy( me me me) must of course be punished and suffer to be saved. The unworthy does not deserve to have fun and enjoy life. And I thought, that may well be the reason why humanity believes that all joy must be paid with grief/sorrow – like it is a Law of Nature. It is a Law: a Law of separation, living as separated me’s in a world perceived by fear – minded perception.

I rested in my bed, allowing the energy of WORTH to come in – my birthright.It felt like ….the utmost simplicity…i need do nothing to have this – I AM this- I just laid there and allowed myself to be held by Love

The dream that came after this affirmed the shift in my soul: my father, who I have made into a monster, now was completely transformed – all the scary stuff about him was absent. I LIKED him. There was not more fear.

*

And now, another  sillybillynillywilly:

In the knickers of time
This was in the ancient times when time was inserted as a way to perceive for humans – and some person, it might have been me, who later created costumes for plays, got the idea to put knickers on time to make time more substantial – time was far too confusing at first, for the mind that was used to Oneness.
So knickers was a good idea, thought this person, and then time wanted more of course and demanded blouses too – and then wigs and gloves – sigh
time to undress time again I say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time- demands

Oh I discover how much TIME is the main keeper of the separation-thought- this night had such a complete chaotic dream about MY time and OTHERS time and that I must not  take others time, and they must certainly not think it OK to  take my time – and oh, this is what have been one of the ways I have whipped myself the most – “don’t waste the precious time with silly things” – and it is the WHIPPING that I notice – the demands that  time is REAL and that divine timelessness is not a state of mind to love and to exist in

– can you sense the energy frequency of all those demands  – and how the “I MUST I SHOULD I OUGHT TO rises from it, making us slaves of time

Oh I am perfectly aware of the fact that as long as we believe ourselves to be separate beings and I have made an appointment with people it is good to not make them wait – since we all “down here” in the world  believe in it ( I think the Easterners don’t have the same grip on it as the Westerners, and certainly the tribe-people see time as much more flexible and pliable) – but what I am discovering is that it is a concept, believed in as true and real -and when I drop that belief, my day is completely different – and things fall into place in the most natural way

I may have written this before –  the sessions I have with students/clients seem to vary from 10 minutes to a lifetime – that is the feel of it – and in reality, they are 1.5 hours

Maybe the sessions that seem to last forever, we do work of healing that spreads through the hologram of dimensions in a very effective way

The time aspect may also be the reason that some clients stopped the process after just one session – yes 🙂 and then they return for more after 7 years. 7 years! “Now we are ready” they say – and that’s when it started to become fun

After that chaotic dream, my head felt like a bomb with toxic waste. I stretched out my hand and grabbed the wisewordnotebook lying there, opened it randomly.

“Let this rest in the space pf No Demands” it said.

My experience is that without the belief in the need for time, there are no demands

just a flowing HERE and NOW

This is a poem you can read from both ways: from up-down and also from down up.

Just like this world, where Truth is turned upside down

*

HELL
Descending into your oldest grief
That of being ice-bonely alone
Free tumbling down in the abyss
Stonewalls whisper unworthiness

I Will Not Fall!

Allowing yourself to be fully falling
Your head bursts into endless cracks
Your vision turns inward
There it is: the Christ Child
Smiling to you inside of you –

Wake up wake up
Breathe breathe
Here Now
HEAVEN

Past

23 January

Wake up at 4am…usual crazy energies in the body. Inner Voice:

“You don’t need to go there anymore.”

Energies instantly gone – like a faucet turned off

Energies pop up around the vaginal opening. Voice:

“Maybe you don’t need to go there either.” Energies gone. Voice:

“Don’t drag the past with you. Let it go.”

I remember Emmanuel’s letter to me – by snail mail, 24 years ago:

“What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? Simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? Listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.

Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

This morning – 24th of January – I also was prompted to flip the Course open, when the craziness was back and it did not disappear.How gracefully the Course always gives me exactly what I need to remember:

T-26.V.10. Would God allow His Son to lose his way along a road long since a memory of time gone by? 2 This course will teach you only what is now. 3 A dreadful instant in a distant past, now perfectly corrected, is of no concern nor value. 4 Let the dead and gone be peacefully forgotten. 5 Resurrection has come to take its place. 6 And now you are a part of resurrection, not of death. 7 No past illusions have the power to keep you in a place of death, a vault God’s Son entered an instant, to be instantly restored unto his Father’s perfect Love. 8 And how can he be kept in chains long since removed and gone forever from his mind?

T-26.V.11. The Son whom God created is as free as God created him. 2 He was reborn the instant that he chose to die instead of live. 3 And will you not forgive him now, because he made an error in the past that God remembers not, and is not there? 4 Now you are shifting back and forth between the past and present. 5 Sometimes the past seems real, as if it were the present. 6 Voices from the past are heard and then are doubted. 7 You are like to one who still hallucinates, but lacks conviction in what he perceives. 8 This is the borderland between the worlds, the bridge between the past and present. 9 Here the shadow of the past remains, but still a present light is dimly recognized. 10 Once it is seen, this light can never be forgotten. 11 It must draw you from the past into the present, where you really are.

T-26.V.12. The shadow voices do not change the laws of time nor of eternity. 2 They come from what is past and gone, and hinder not the true existence of the here and now. 3 The real world is the second part of the hallucination time and death are real, and have existence that can be perceived. 4 This terrible illusion was denied in but the time it took for God to give His Answer to illusion for all time and every circumstance. 5 And then it was no more to be experienced as there.

T-26.V.13. Each day, and every minute in each day, and every instant that each minute holds, you but relive the single instant when the time of terror took the place of love. 2 And so you die each day to live again, until you cross the gap between the past and present, which is not a gap at all. 3 Such is each life; a seeming interval from birth to death and on to life again, a repetition of an instant gone by long ago that cannot be relived. 4 And all of time is but the mad belief that what is over is still here and now.

T-26.V.14. Forgive the past and let it go, for it is gone. 2 You stand no longer on the ground that lies between the worlds. 3 You have gone on, and reached the world that lies at Heaven’s gate. 4 There is no hindrance to the Will of God, nor any need that you repeat again a journey that was over long ago. 5 Look gently on your brother, and behold the world in which perception of your hate has been transformed into a world of love.

 

 

no-time

Yesterday I had a night with much turbulence, and did not sleep much. I tried to sleep for some extra hours in the morning, and asked H:S to stop time for me – the Course tells us that time is an illusion, and I have known this through therapy sessions I have given where we both thought  we had been together for  at least 3 hours, and only 1/2 hour had passed. I have also experienced the other way.

So I rested a while and got up, and looked at the media-players clock. It showed 3 hours back in time. I turned it off and on again – and now it showed correct time.

This clock can not be set by me. Then it dawned on me that it only showed back to the time when I had prayed that the time was halted for a while. ..OK I do get that this sounds wacky. Feel free to laugh. I would probably have done the same. But now came the icing on the cake: the second I looked at the clock and realized that the clock had stopped when I asked HS to do that, I  confirmed “There is no time.” Precisely in that second the clock showed 00:00 – and then back to normal

I know I know. Laugh all you want:)

No need for judgment

In the shower, I notice a spot on the back that itches. When I scratch it, it gets a crust which I scratch off and then it itches again. Infernally. So I at least got that there was something here that wanted my attention. This is something I have not been willing to let go of. Something that is connected to what I call “me.” The Course tells me that I am not the body – but I hear , darn it, it was me that experienced all that heinous shit when I was little – it was MY body it happened to – it was THIS body it happened to. I have explored where evil comes from, and I am right that this is my body!!!

And now comes  a major turnaround in my mind:

Blue tells me that the intense feeling I experience now – “I AM RIGHT! THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE!” is a collective  belief that does not belong in a mind of Oneness – where there are no me’s. Everything in this world – including media – reflects the “laws” the Son of God = all of us –  subconsciously agreed upon to make us stay within the illusion of separation. These laws reflects the polarity in ego’s world: good and evil, right and wrong, pretty and ugly, smart and stupid. Gravity is one of the laws – and it works only because we subconsciously have agreed on believing in them. The same is true regarding time and space: both concepts in the ego thought system. For Spirit, none of these laws  are valid – and we are Spirit, believing we are humans, identifying with the dream we are dreaming. The “we” not being humans, but Mind outside time and space.

This means that I don’t need to attach a me to any ego-thought/belief at all – and poof, there goes all my perceived need for judgment.

Outside time and space

It is so clear this morning: everything that goes on in my mind, I am dreaming up. I am projecting all of it from the mind into this so called separated dream-figure Leelah. And I don’t want to do it any more. And I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before! It is SO clear. I am so happy to see how clear it is.

All this chaos – all this confusion and foreseeing disasters – I don’t want to do it anymore.

This is the part of the forgiveness-process where choosing Love comes in. Just seeing that I am wrong that these thoughts and projections come from fear and unreality and have no value for me. What DO I want? I want to be steeped in the peace of God. In the joy of God.He has given these gifts to me and everyone, He does not take gifts back. I want them. I allow them.

Right now – and I know that the state of being that I am in now probably won’t be lasting -I know that “attackers” is an impossible idea in the mind that I have believed, choosing ego as my teacher.

The knowing right now – that Leelah is a figure in a dreamt-up reality,  is crystal clear.

Somehow I know that this is not a permanent state of mind for me yet – that’s why I have this blog: to write it down – it has really happened.

time dissolving

Time is certainly showing to be fluent. I went to bed about 12pm yesterday and woke up 2 am – and was convinced I had slept for 5-6 hours!The sleep-pattern is changing lately. There was also a lovely dream in the well-known pattern of me going to a retreat/hotel something, and this time my luggage were to be brought to me  by my parents – but it -they-never arrived:)

It seems I must have left my luggage where it belongs: the parent-area, where the emotional imprints are charged this lifetime –

Right now I am just sitting and saying thank you

thank you

thank you

and only when I say thank you do I truly know that I have received the gift

Dare to believe what you know

Morning. Sameol sameol pain.Clear thought:

I know that God has not created pain, discomfort,fear,grief,anger,guilt. I have – or seem to have – to defend the story of a separated special me.

This moment I sense the strong belief that God did NOT create it, so it is just an idea of pain and separation in my mind.

*

Now, dear reader, imagine an instant image of complete blue – you know the image of a sea completely devoid of stirrings of wind, and the skies are without horizon. You are in the middle of this. There are no sounds, but the fullness of Something is immense. Somehow it dawns on you that you are this – you are looking at an outer image of an inward condition.

The pains are gone. The constrictions around the chest are gone.

*

I get up and start my day.  Call the Tax Dep. in order to complain for the 3 time of something  that is my right and have not got.  Give the answering machine a message that they can call me back when one of their consultants is ready.Breathe the Presence Process -way for 5 minutes  – that’s all I can muster before i feel cold and dizzy. Then I start to BE with the discomfort i feel in the body at having to make these calls to the Tax Office – to firmly stand on my rights and claim what belongs to me.

I have a thought: oh maybe i could be disturbed by the phone if I do this presence-being-with-fear now.

Calm on inside: just start.All is well.Trust.

The fear is ice-cold, clutching something hard,hard to breathe. Just being with it without condition starts a melting, like spring melting ice in Spring. Funny sensations/ green new sprouts spring up in many parts of the body, and in ten minutes the Spring is definitely on the way.

I take a deep breath, and the telephone from the Tax Dep. comes, perfectly timed by Presence. The lady finds out what has happened with my case: they have accepted my claim, but forgotten to send me the papers that confirm it.  I ask her to give me her word that she will see to it. She smiles yes.

I hear Blue: “You know, you have a rule that things has to happen three times for them to be valid and real.”

I do. I really have that belief. Those papers had been in order from 6 weeks after i complained the first time – but they could not be sent out, since i had not complained 2 more times.

Once is enough:)

Time and violence

Kit and I today had one of our jewel-sharings – today about “personal” time. Here is some of what  stood out for us as helpful to recognize.

To believe  the idea:“It is not time for what want” leads to violence.  Kit used an example of feeling she needed HER time when putting her little boy to bed. He asked for water 3 times, and she noticed she was afraid that if she “gave in”, she would be eaten up – “give somebody a little finger, and he takes the whole hand.”

The belief in the need for personal time – MY time – makes the time feel very solid, dense, real, and very separating. “When I am believing this thought, I feel more separate from my children.”

The presence of violence grows.

When I believe there is not enough time, I suffer – I have to fight for this time, and that makes others separate and somebody I have to fight – while  as we allow ourselves to recognize that accepting whatever happens, shows us that THAT is our opportunity to tend to -letting life be, listening to what would benefit us both.

When life is lifeing, and we accept our child’s cry for attention, it is like accepting our inner child’s cry for attention – all that is needed is a genuine interest in meeting the other’s need:

Maybe it isn’t water you need? What are you really trying to tell me? Maybe you just need a hug before you go to sleep?

And if we do that, we may recognize that giving this time to our child is really filling our need – while if we believe the thought that somebody (me) loses, violence arises.

There is a palpable difference in adhering to the child’s needs from the knowing that the situation offers peace for both of us, and our trust in that (which we then bring to the situation) and the situation where we think we have to sacrifice our own needs for the child, which leeds to resentment/violence.

It becomes obvious that it is  not the situation that is the problem – but how we meet them. We can choose: peace – or violence/separation – “my” needs contra “your” needs. I create my own pain, by holding on to the thought that I must have “my” time.

But it is just a thought – believed in.

As soon as I stop believing the thought, something inside relaxes, and the child instantly picks that up and stop being “needy”. Now there is just a meeting, a joining: the one does not lose and the other does not win – here is just another opportunity for being present to what is NOW – trusting that if it is met without resistance/hatred/violence, only good comes out of it.

Old movie

Following the process – still the old theme of “darkness.” Yet another tough experience in the night and morning, with overwhelming depression and gloom. Yet – Blue is very available when I ask for help.

Blue:The attacks and darkness you are having are memories from the past – and thus the effect of the belief in Time – being projected into the Present. You cannot fix them – but you can receive them with Love.

Me: Many many times I have met them with the willingness to Be with them and bless them, to extend all my Love into  “this” – and to see it as scared children dressing up as demons, crying out for love and forgiveness – which I have offered, as the gifts I can give as the Holy Son of God, created in His image.

Seeing “darkness” is seeing through a dark filter of judgment –  and with  judgment I see myself as unworthy and ugly and afraid. I see myself as a terrified child/victim – and it seems SO alive in me, I feel all its feelings of overwhelm. Because of  the sensations/pains in my nervous system, I identify with it subconsciously.

Blue: If this pain and darkness and horror is real, God is not real. If you believe God is real – and you do  – then this pain and horror is just ego’s creations, which you, as the Holy Son of God use your tremendous power to animate – or make real. Do not deny your immense God-given power  that you share with Him: the world around you, just an imagination, seems so very real – because as humans, you believe that what you can touch has reality – and the mind is just “thoughts”. Since you, as Mind, made all of this up – = the Universe – saying it is real –you can choose again.Just acknowledge this: “It is impossible for me, who am created in God’s image, to discreate what He has created. If that was possible, it would also mean that it is possible to discreate my Self.”

Me: So I am acknowledging that what seems to be visiting me, telling me that it is more powerful that Love, are just projections/manifestations of guilt, fear and sin – it comes in many packages and variations, to divert my mind and make it interested in my creations.

Blue: Fear loves to dress itself up – and fragment itself into a multitude of costumes and “spirits” that now must be placated by you. Lots of efforts now – to take your mind off the Truth. There is nothing wrong in noticing these occurrences – but you are the awareness noticing it, and not a victim of it. When you stop giving your God-given power to the belief that the show is real, you might just tire of the show and leave the showroom. It is like an old film you have seen in all possible variations – why are you still buying tickets?

Me: so what do I do then, the next time I wake up and feel the old horror in my veins and muscles, and hear the threats that I belong to it? And feel a HUGE identification with the victim-child-part?

Blue: realize that you have used your vast power to imagine something that is impossible, and by that trick you have proved that God is wrong and you are right: separation really happened. The one in you that does this, CAN NOT be the real Self – right? YOU are aware of it – and YOU can choose again. Forgive yourself for dreaming this dream, and for repeating it until you are tired of it. Choose to believe that the power you use to recreate the dream of darkness, you can use to co-create with God: extending the Love That you are.

Me: On behalf  of the Son of God, I choose to release the part of my mind that joins with the ego in this. I know that you will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself. Holy Spirit, please let me know when I enter this self-imprisonment-game, so I can choose to smile instead. In the name of my freedom, I release you – because I realize we will be released together.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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