Life Loves Me

The gratefulness I feel right now is enormous

The methods I use and teach as a healer, beside Expressive Arts Therapy, are A Course in Miracles and Spontaneous Transformation Technique©

Yet another digital thingy has helped me lately – my readers will remember  the out-door lamp and the door bell – is the timer on my cell phone! I have used it to time a five minutes x 3-meditation in lesson 3  in The Way of Mastery – and it has done weird things: I sit and wait for the timer to ring – and it does not – and I sit and wait and wait – and it does not ring …

So I open it to look how many minutes I have left, since it feels I have sat there for 10 minutes at least – and the second I grip the phone to open it, it rings.

The two first times this was fun – but now, after this repeating for the last 4 weeks, today I got the idea to watch the TV-clock in front of me. Sure enough, it showed 10 minutes as I sat there waiting for the timer to sound the five-minute-signal.

I was aware that what I started out with today, was the tremendous feeling of pressure and force, OCD-like – I HAVE TO “get” this – control this – understand this. And I sat as Christ with it, allowing it to be there,truly wanting to be guided to realize what the gift was.

These obsessive-compulsive feelings have laid my creative life barren for the last two months: I have been stuck in believing I have to produce a creative “result” – a painting, a sculpture, a poem – instead of enjoying myself playing and watching where it wants to go. Everything has shut down, coalesced into a hard ball of compulsion, no joy whatever,  life becoming dull and pale as a tepid puddle

Now -the cellphone behavior has stayed that way until I at last today KNOW what that time-weirdness was FOR: Yet another digital way my Universe  shows me that I AM SAFE. I am taken care of – I can trust this, and therefore trust the process, completely.

The moment I realized, I left the Christ meditation and found that part of me who had needed to hold on to this compulsive self-coercion as a way to survive. I asked where it could be found in my body: left lung. I went there and saw this terrified one who needed to control herself completely after severe trauma in order to stay safe inside her family. The moment I discovered her and told her that I saw her and was there for her, the energetic connection was made. The dams of grief broke. She saw she was not alone any longer. I acknowledged to her that it had been a vital choice to make when she was little – it would have been dangerous to be open about this in the family – she would not have been heard at all. As long as nobody would see and hear and listen to her, this was a wise choice to take. Holding on to this, creating this pattern, has kept us alive and functioning – and now is the glorious moment to let it out and express, with me as her loving companion.

So she did the best thing she could at that time: making a decision to control ,repress, push away whatever reminded her of the agony.  NOW – with me – she was no longer alone, the spell could be dissolved.

And so we dissolved it – I encouraged her to feel the fear and anger and express in any way she wanted and needed, while I was witnessing it all from a neutral and all-loving observer-state – like a fairy godmother maybe. You know these godmothers – they love us and support us, but will never interfere with our feelings, they trust us completely to have the strength and wisdom necessary to go through life – into the desert and out again. Some even does that in 40 days. I have used a bit longer.

There came a moment where she discovered that the LOVE that embraced her was stronger than the original trauma, and the beliefs unwound beautifully.

I asked her then, what did she need now – after all of this?

Pause. “That you don’t get mad if I fall back into the control-pattern.”

Realizing, that only if I believed that to be serious, I would be in trouble – just being aware that “oh, there I go again, no biggie” would be just fine.

Watching how the ego wants guilt and punishment to strengthen its hold on us

 

Now I checked out the cellphone timer again in 5 minutes –  meditation. Twice. The timer behaving like other timers – signaling after five minutes. What does this mean?

OH! here comes rushes of spiritual energy! It means I am looked after! This is the third time God has shown me She uses whatever means to show me that I am NOT a separated traumatized human being.

The first was my outdoor lamp that lightens automatically when it is dark. Whenever it did not, for 3 years, I could stand there and look at it and find whatever darkness in me at that moment that I believed was true – and acknowledge it and forgive myself – and the light went on.

The second was the electronic door-bell, who the last year has co-cooed in a different way than when one pushes the button – it co-coo’es when nobody is there. Except I now know that my Self is there, each time letting me know to put everything I do away, sit down and pay attention to the energies that wants to come through and be released

The third – all good things go by threes – is today, my cellphone-timer. It took me just one month to see it this time.

All of this – through the last 5 years – to help me see that I am taken care of

It pretty well takes care of the separation-conviction!

It shows me: in each and every situation where “things happen,” I have the choice to how I want to relate to it. As a victim – oh this is too serious, I am being punished, I must have done something to deserve this, I haven’t done “enough “ (therapy, work on myself, exercise blah) – or as creator:

This has come up for me to see and love. I acknowledge that something happened sometime  – in this or other lives / in other dimensions of the multidimensional hologram of the universe, that caused me to make beliefs and draw conclusions from what happened – and what they all have in common is the root-belief of the human: I am on my own here. Every man for himself. Love and acknowledgments must be earned from others/ the outside.

As soon as I turned toward that compulsive obsessive controller inside with curiosity and love, she led me straight back to Source – and then the Outer ( this time the cell-phone) mirrored my new – and true – perception. As soon as I saw the real meaning of the cellphone-behavior, it turned back to normal.

*

Back to the little one in the left lung:

I asked her to imagine out how it would feel to truly KNOW that the pattern was gone, that is was absolutely safe – just pretending , just playing –

She told me it would feel so safe

And how does it feel to feel so safe?

Like life is safe for me –  life is simple – life loves me! LIFE LOVES ME!

I sat as the observer and allowed the energy of this belief to flow through me – LIFE LOVES ME

And we had a little ceremony where she said three times with me I AM LOVED BY LIFE, claiming it and owning it

 

 

Rage and the Liver

Yesterday I did a lot of Donna Eden’s Energy Therapy – i found a number of excellent poses/holds to release toxins from our organs – like liver and kidney. The strongest release for me came when  I cupped the hands on top of each other over the liver and gently rocked it, like a baby.

I released a lot from the Liver – and in the night, I had strong dreams where I was tremendously anger at my daughter. I woke up and realized, these were the feelings that the liver had held on to – too much to process and metabolize.

AS I went deeper and deeper, asking to find the deepest root, i found something that may be collective: the anger and hatred directed at a mother (in my case) who abandons her child after big trauma – who will not/can not listen, and pretends nothing happened. And i saw that I /the child of course represses that anger – and the root I saw now, was that I of course had projected the anger of the mother ON MY DAUGHTER: she was now the unconscious recipient for my rage.

We have encountered this rage/hatred often – she has mentioned it often to me when we have been together – I never thought it was mine, since SHE felt it 🙂

but of course it might have been.

So I reclaimed it this night, and forgave myself for my self betrayal
of believing that I must be a worthless shit for her ( mother) to not acknowledge what happened. I owned it and it felt great. And there is much tenderness around all of that now.

Compulsion or surrender

 

I have an appointment with an audiologist – and I want to try out a special brand of hearing aid – Oticon. – I asked him to have this available when I saw him in the corridor at my first appointment, and he smiled and nodded.

Then – later – true to the snirkles of my mind,I became anxious that he would NOT have it. AND since I have waited ONE YEAR for this appointment, it would mean that I would be one year deafer until next appointment – and the threats and disastering escalated: I would be completely deaf by then, beyond repair – and it would be their fault.

Oh how the ego loves that

I sense the guilt underlying this old story: the huge  – HUGE – inner pressure  tells me that I have to FIX this pressure by finding a solution to the problem. The more I desperately try to figure out why they don’t answer my mails when I ask them to please get the Oticon till I get there, the more horrible the pressure turns up the volume. And I feel COMPLETELY a victim in this: THEY do not answer my mails. But –  how could they – I have created this situation – and that confirmation would not transform this OCD-me: it would just repeat again and again until, like this morning, I truly meant that I wanted to see this situation in another way.

I realize that until now I have seen this OCD as a safety. Wow and doublewow

So I decided to just BE with it as it presented itself. The first feeling that came up was “I am WHOLLY convinced that I will not be helped.” I notice my absolute belief that I – this small I – would not be helped from these “outside” persons.

I have of course strong reasons to think like this – something terrible happened – many times – when I was small, I made this conclusion then and developed this coping mechanism to NEVER hope for help and be let down – and never feel the crushedness of it all. It helped me survive – and I honor that part of me who held on to this for so long. How brave it has been: to insist of  being heard at that time would have NOT been safe at all, and probably led to violence/death.

And with this, all my judgment at this pattern melts away, and left is just gratefulness for the experience: now I can ever more deeply support others in not judging themselves and being hard on themselves. Somehow I feel not alone in this 🙂

So when I was willing to be wrong in my perception this morning, that NOBODY EVER would help me and listen, I  was reminded about  an incident some years ago with an IRS-person I needed to return to, and who the first time was the very epitome of unkindness. I then told myself, while driving to him the second time, that this time he would be helpful, kind, gentle, I would understand it all, it would be a miracle.

And it was. * He even started to tell me about his  daughter that he loved so much, and showed me her picture. I mean – !
So now, at least I can do this: I can expect to be happy about speaking to a wondrous person, a shining Light of God, who would share this lesson with me, proving to me that God IS with me.

I told God then that he had to give me a sign – should I call or not? And saw myself calling with the expectations that the answerer would just be a delight. So – not a question if I should call or not call- but a reminder that I choose who’s hand I hold while I call – Christ or ego.

So I called. And while the heart beat while I waited –  “sorry we are VERY busy” – it started to dawn on me that that pounding heart was not a sign that it would be dreadful – it was just part of the OCD pattern, being challenged.

She was patient with me, and told me the audiologist already had this in his journal. Blush. Ego wanted to lash out, “why the hell couldn’t you just answer me that in the mail” – but of course she couldn’t: then I would not be at this point of surrendering the old OCD-identity. I can trust life to BE helpful, and give me all the lessons I need to wake up and drop the old ones.

She told me that the audiologist had to see which product was the best for me – and of course he had to! Then I could tell her that I agreed -and just wanted that it was available for me to test. The energy in my mail had probably made her hear that I HAD TO have THIS brand and nothing else. Oh yes that was beyond doubt the energy I expressed in my mails.

Can I shark SHARE with you the radiant joyful energy that was present in our conversation, as the old false view I had , of not being heard, dissolved? What a GREAT typo: that energy is just like a shark – it hungrily devours food/energy to fill itself, just like ego: it is never enough.

After the phone I had to set myself down  and deliberately receive the new energies that I had opened up for now.It is amazing: they still flows through me now, about an hour later – and I have to be fully present to receive the healing.

*I share this healing miracle in the chapter “The tax-man” in “When Fear Comes Home to Love”.

You Are Eternal

I have just lived through what will be an added last chapter to “When Fear Comes Home To Love” – see the right menu.

I am working with Tapas Fleming on a root memory/trauma in my mind: that of trusting somebody in power completely – and then, when trusting, open and vulnerable, to be attacked viciously. What did I tell myself when that happened? “I must never let up my guard again – always expect the worst.”

Tapas tell me to speak to those parts of my mind who believe this – and in that second, I SEE them: great crowds of people with that bodymind-pattern. I see and sense them surrounding me, and everything in my mind focuses on THIS moment and the opening for healing – on a personal and collective level.

“What I would like those parts to notice” says Tapas, talking to the parts on my behalf, “is that even though you were tricked and shocked, and even though you decided never to let up your guard again – what would be good for you to notice about yourself, is that actually you are eternal. – Even though all of that happened, it is not happening NOW – and you were not what you were involved in.”

While she speaks, I SEE the crowd instantly realizing – knowing that they ARE eternal. The energy in the crowd is vastly changed – like it was just a dream and they have awakened.

And – I needed to be seen as eternal. It is beyond beautiful to BE SEEN in that identity.

I have been dreaming and I am awake now

The shift from the victim identity to Christ/Self

Under my navel, where there was a demonic wolf-like being, is now a LOVE-sun, radiating its light into this body. The crowd is conveying, “Although we were shocked, shocked is not what we are and what we are, can not be shocked.”

The shift is utterly complete – in that one second when we heard and believed, “I am eternal.”

I sense all the stories and false identities that they/we/were temporal and not eternal, melt away. I sense their overflowing gratitude to Tapas for the reminder, and for me to holding all of that so we all could benefit in this way.

Just writing this down, I feel the sun in my belly again. It is much more than warmth. It is wordless all -encompassing love.

All the feelings I have had of being distrusted and disrespected by everybody have disappeared. It all came from inside my mind, through this link to the persons sharing the imprint of never to fully trust again.

I am as God created me. I am created in His image.

“And now we come together to bless – what we judged and hated, we are now here to bless it all” the crowd conveys.

“It’s so beautiful. It’s a blessing for me to be with you” says Tapas.

I watch ancestral lines wake up and hooraying – not yelling, just pure relief of not being caught in dream-hell anymore. No need to go into bodies to hide from a vengeful god anymore – unless we want to. We just need to be Who we are – and extend that Love.

*

What Tapas did first in our session was to “scan” me – and she noticed that my pineal gland  had some attacking energy right around it. It was tired and worn out. When she mentioned it, I sensed the old old presence of “evil” and “dangerous” and weird. We included the pineal and “the attacker” in our invitation to parts that were offered ways to heal.

This morning, I went to the Pineal and checked – is the craziness there still?

IT HAS GONE.

The thing is – I have always checked after all my other sessions and healings – and this has always been left. Now I know why: I had hooked into our common angst. Now this healing has touched the collective, and the ones involved who were attached to me, aren’t any longer.

The story has played itself out

The energy of the Pineal is still tired – but not awaiting attack anymore. It just needs rest.

So I will rest

 

Blessings to you all

 

Leelah

 

 

 

Hugging it instead of judging it

Skype sharing with Kit. Our common theme is an old trauma about becoming visible to others – and a tremendous fear about all of that. We realize that peace does not come from fixing this/understanding this – willingness is all it takes-willingness to allow Love to come to this theme, this old hidden wound in the mind
When Kit worked with the theme, I could “see” that as soon as she could allow herself to give “a hug” to the fear/trauma-area in the body -without doing any fixing at all – a channel was opened between the heart and the wound.
When it was my turn, I remembered an ongoing difficult situation between my daughter and me. Frequently when speaking to her , I feel a huge block in my brain – the words simply are not there. That makes me very nervous, and I do my “best” to find the words – in reality, I am resisting the block itself – instead of just mentally giving it a hug.
Oh the pressure.
I have told her many times that I lose my words – but I have never allowed myself to just BE with the wordlessness. It feels quite OK to do that, the next time we meet.
Kit and I agree that we see that all of this is HELD. Contained.
God holds this space the moment I chose to allow it – am willing to allow Love into it.
Suddenly I know what the real fear is about: it points to a belief that I have lost connection with my daughter on the spiritual plane. I see her and her husband as living a very materialistic life – but that is of course just my perception.
Kit: “What is right about this situation that is difficult to catch sight of?”
…Ahhh…I see that she and I have worked so wonderful in so many incarnations, and now we are mature enough to allow this last seeming hurdle to come up to be healed: the seeming break in spiritual connection. I see that this is something that I shall leave completely in God’s hands – I shall not mention it at all to her.
Trust. Willingness to allow Love to come into it. No resistance at all to the situation. Whatever plays itself out between us IS OK.
Oh. Maybe I will lose all contact with her. There is a nasty fear about that, lurking.
Ohmygod …she is a projection – I fear to lose MY connection to God
I have used her – I have used her this life – I have told myself – and her, subconsciously: “I am dependent on YOU to be able to feel God’s Presence. And THAT I believe in!
Now tears are cascading – I talk to my daughter : “ I cannot reach Him without you!”
Kit: “Ohh – Leelah -”
I feel a release as soon as I hear her say my name. She tells me she needs to say it. I cry from the bottom of my heart, from the agony of believing I MUST NOT lose contact with my daughter. My mind screams that if I lose contact with her, Satan instantly takes over. I have told myself that M is my ONLY lifeline to God.
Kit reminds me that these are scary thoughts only – “just thoughts that you believe in, but with no truth at all.”
Just neutral thoughts
Wild relieved crying
“Ohmygod, what an iron grip I have held her in subconsciously – the role as my one and only savior – no wonder she won’t talk about God …now an age old child voice inside me expresses itself with a vengeance: “If you won’t do this for me, I will DIE and it is YOUR FAULT!”
Ah. Listening to this agonized crying from myself, I see there’s no wonder there is often so much hate and anger between us. But this hatred is not connected to anything real and true at all between us. It just originates from my belief that she has to have that role to “save” me.
Kit: Leelah – how wonderful it is that you see this so clearly.
And I cry and cry that it is allowed to feel how I feel and have these beliefs, even though they are screwed up.
A new agonized crying about how difficult and scary it is to say “God.”***
Kit asks if this wave of emotions related to “God” can just be allowed to BE here too – just another thought, believed in. “You can just let it come, just receiving it. You just got scared again because of believing in those thoughts.”
Immediately peace when I recognize that all these thoughts are false. Not serious at all! And just wonderful that Kit reminds me about it. Another thought: “When you see M again, everything will be just as before.” It is full of hatred – and Kit suggests that I give it a hug
That’s what it needs. No judgment, no preaching. Just Love. It is so good for that thought to be allowed to be just as nastyhatefulrageing as it is.
In the second I have this last realization, a sign opens on my PC – (the italics are mine)
Iolo System mechanics: Fight stubborn PC (programmed mind) freezes and errors. Many chronic restarts, freezes and other frustrations can be fixed easily with Registry Tuner ( aligning with Truth)
HAH!”System mechanics.” Another name could be Holy Spirit
And the whole emotional storm just wanes and lies down like a cat in the sun.

 

***Absolutely every one of my hundreds of patients/students have felt the same way – and that’s why I could use the material of 25 years of investigation in my book “When fear comes home to Love.” You may look at it in the right menu.

 

 

 

 

 

Creating our fears

Reminders from Julius:  (Italics my comments)

About traumas: The very purpose of trauma is to change us, to expand us. The most binding element in a trauma is the human habit to go back to the way it was before.

We have orchestrated this trauma, as Source – for a transformational purpose.To grow – to expand. (Example of traumas leading to growth, and even awakening: cancer. The trauma crushes the illusionary identification you believe to be.

What helped create the trauma in the first place is our insistence of visualizing disasters that we then have to prepare of. When we read about disasters we immediately go into preparation-mood for finding out what to do in case such a think should happen to us – and it is exactly this by this way of preparation  we are conjuring  our fears –  by preparing to avoid them.

The last is seen as completely true. What a waste of energy – and how i have practiced this! It’s like I have used a whole life to prepare how to behave if something like the original trauma should ever happen again. Now I will just look at those thoughts when they come and be willing to let them go for good.

It is not about getting over things – it is about getting through them.

The anger,resistance self-hatred and fear is another way of being Source.

Seen from Truth, there has been no damage done to you. The only damage that seems to have happened is seen from a human perception.

I’d like you to envision a completely white room  – no windows, no people, no mirrors. Find out what is going on within you when you enter it.

Jumanji: you can’t stop playing until you have won

The last days, the neck-area  and head have been very very painful. I see how wise it is to trust the wisdom of this process. This blog started with this:

Aug.17th 2010  I am starting a blog: little sister. It seems important for me to feel «hidden» here – I still have this old fear of being stalked, found out, caught and raped and all that. And today it dawned on me that the stiffening and pain in the neck that I feel constantly, and which brings so much painful heavy headiness, may be connected to me hiding in my head – in dissociation – in fleeing from Love, believing it to be attack.

This insight feels great: the feeling of HAVING to hide or else, does NOT come from truth:just a very old memory of believing a tiny mad idea.

In short: it is not serious.

Then follows April 16th 2011:

I am toning in the morning – huge pains in the right side of my body.  “Maybe I don’t need this any longer.” I hear another voice telling me that it needs my body for its life-force not to disappear into evil. These pains in the right side of the body is a way “it” occupies my body. – I recognize this part as a former incarnation-”me” – and I see that I identified with a belief, made in fear. And that is what we did, as the Son of God.This identification with intense fear does not come from truth, it is just a belief with no truth in it. I do not need any longer to feed it with my belief in it. I have made this fear real and called it me. It is just imagination and I let it go. I forgive myself for wanting to be guilty.

I suddenly know, while toning, that the trauma that caused me to lose my singing voice when I was 25, has been of such magnitude that just trying to sing hurt so much that I gave it up. That’s why I spaced out each time I tried to work with the voice later. Literally disappeared from the body.

As soon as this insight arises, my heart starts to beat ferociously and tears are pouring.I want to  sit kindly with it and do not believe it is real: just an old trauma, and me having enough heart for it to come up now- to find all the beliefs I have about this and forgiving them. I am looking forward to it, and something moves softly inside, trusting me not to push it back again. I do not need to take it seriously – but meeting it with Love is a decision.

today, April the 28th:

In the night, the same unbearable pain everywhere as usual. Asking H.S.for help -hearing: “The solution is at the same place as the problem, Which one do you want to keep?” When I chose the solution, tensions and pain started leaving. I talked to “that” which I had judged so strongly that it now had fled into my neck and head and hid there. I told it I saw how it related to the trauma that led to me loosing my voice, and that I offered forgiveness to anything I seemingly had made – and for still believing in separation. I told “it” that I wanted it to become visible so it could be free. And I asked Blue what he wanted me to see this very moment.

He told me to go into the living room and read Jumanji, that I had picked up on a Library flee-market the same day. I opened the pages randomly and put a finger on a page and turned the light on. I read: “This is very important: when a round of Jumanji has begun, it can not be completed before one of the players arrives to the golden city.” (This is my translation from Norwegian.) Peter moves to square seven, and reads ” Lion attacks, move two squares back.”

And it turns out that everything that is mentioned in the game, becomes real for the players: now the lion is roaring on top of the piano.

And the paragraph that I had pointed to, was this:

“I don’t think” said Peter, while gasping for air, “that I …want to…play this…game anymore.”

“But we have to” said Judy, while helping Peter down the stairs.” I am certain that this is what is meant in the instructions. That lion will not disappear until one of us win the game.”

This is what Blue wants me to remember: I have started to play, I must play by His rules, and I will enter the golden City.

So I go back to bed and am prepared for a dream. It was a dream with  sickening perversities and insanity from a dark astral level. It took place in my house and whatever I did to chase these creatures out of my house, it was to no avail.

When I woke up, ca 80 % of the pain in the neck had gone. I saw that part of my identity had been stuck in this astral region, and carried tremendous pain. I presented “her” fears and beliefs to Blue and asked for correction: I am playing the game. Or script. All I want to do is take her in my arms and tell her that that dream is just a dream, and it is safe to wake up to Love. I don’t think I have to remember the original trauma that put that pain inside my neckI just see very clearly that I am innocent, and that I need to forgive my perceptions. It is just a consequence of choosing ego – and it is in the past.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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