Chocolate

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

When I was very small, disastrous things happened to me  for quite some years, and it was forbidden  – and impossible – to talk about it. I managed to repress it. But when it happened  again, the need to be heard and comforted was tremendous. My mother saw the agony, and was not able to – for reasons I now see with love – to truly open to me and allow me to talk. She did the best she knew– she gave me chocolate. I liked the dark variety best – it was called LUNCH.

There was much chocolate in my childhood – for the grown-ups too –

For past two years now, I have struggled with eating disorders. It has felt as a ravaging inner beast. Any food without sweetening in any way– honey is excellent -tastes dull and pretty hard to swallow. To just write that sentence down feel good and liberating.

I bought the one delicious cookbook after the other – since one way the disorder manifested was the absolute belief that I was starving to death, and to check that feeling-sensation I had to prepare all meals – to just improvise with what I had available was impossible. It was BIG CRISIS chiming in the background, and I was identifying with it.

And suddenly this morning in bed, it was just – possible 😊  to BE with that girl from the past.

I recognized that the awful feelings of “I am starving” was a GIFT – the energy was HERE now, to be dealt with as my creation. It had been MY CHOICE at the time in childhood to accept and believe that food had to be sweetened – or I would simply die and go directly into hell.

This belied * belief ( what a great typo!) came from my gift of sensitivity of energies – I had for a long time in “disaster-country” sensed the dark vicious energies embracing the situations. I had bathed in that frequency –  and the entities and beings there were hell-like.  So I “understood” that NOT eating sweets would just rip away all defenses and put me into this hell.

Now I saw that this all now rested on my choice: to believe that I am a victim NOW of hellish beings – or to be willing to recognize that I had co-crated the darkness – brought it up close to me – by believing  NOW, as adult, that they still had the power to hurt me.

They really don’t – since NOW – this sacred NOW – I can choose again. I used the forgiveness-method from Way of Mastery – that Jeshua tells us that he also practiced in his training for mastery.

And so I forgave the judgment I had placed upon my creation* :  I had judged myself to be evil and “wrong” and not worthy a shit – that was the meaning I gave the ongoing horribleness.

And what I have learned is that it is NOT what happens to us that creates trauma – but what we tell ourselves that the trauma means about US.

Yes, Jeshua says – it is what you choose to believe- and give power to, that drives your life as a seemingly separate human being.

So now I used the forgiveness-formula ( ps: you can read the WOM books free ***)- and ended up allowing myself to witness how the old traumatic images dissolved -I allowed it to.

Today has a quite new freedom to it. I have to be vigilant not to fall into the old automatic – and sometimes that happen – but my intention is clear: I want to BE with those sensations, those energies/emotions of “ I am gong to die if I am not taken care of NOW.”

And suddenly a whole level of inner critical voices seem to have left

***that link did not work. here is the url: https://www.christmind.info/t/wom/

Belonging

Yesterday a deep ache started in the right side of the ribcage. I listened to it; it gradually grew to very painful. I told it I was here, listening, and was grateful that it communicated with me. It abated a little. I asked if it would give me an image. It was ugly and dark – and in my training I experience that darkness comes from judgment. When I sensed into it, it felt age-old, a beast with scales and warts – homeless, cast out, not belonging to a tribe.

I started to bless it in its opposite qualities: – I bless you in your feeling of safety, being a part of a tribe, being respected.

it abated enough for me to realize it has let down its guard – and that it may take a while.

But in bed it came to me – “Do the Core Transformation-process with it.”

The CTP goes like this:

  1. We know the hurting part has a positive outcome for us – we ask what the Part /P wants to accomplish with this pain. Answer: To be noticed and accepted fully.
  2. Q; Thank you! Please step into that feeling ( giving time) If you had that, fully and completely – through having that, what is it that you want more, that is even more important?
  3. A: to be part of a big group – and feeling safe there

For each round, the hurting part got closer to its innermost need – to be part of a group/ tribe and BELONG to it – seen, loved,respected.

The last 2 years, this has been denied us

The part at last stepped into the feeling of being an intimate member of a group – indispensable, trustworthy, loved, respected – and when I asked what may be even deeper and more important than that, a huge Light field came moving in from the left and the part just melted into it.

Long pause. The Divine Light felt indescribable. And it let me understand that being, existing in this Light gave it all it wanted – since everybody already existed within that Light.

It took a deep breath and dissolved.

No more pain.

As therapist and healer, I love this method – you don’t have to “go back to the trauma and feel it fully” anymore – therapy and healing today is much more about energy than a “me” that is traumatized.

This method is super simple, and the victim aspect has simply vanished. I can never really know of something belongs to “me” or if a chunk of the collective mind is coming through me to be seen ,accepted, loved and released – anyway, I feel relieved and grounded. I am here to meet it with love and not judgment. For sure not condoning the acts – but realizing that cruelty is a twisted way of asking for help. And there are thousand ways to be there with HEART and asking for help to see the act and person with eyes of love.

Vandalized Wood

My hundreds of years old wood
I love the way it felt like going through a tunnel, the light playing on the trunks

Yesterday I went for a hike in my beloved wood, close to my home.

It was not there. It had been cleared – lumbered – and as I walked through the familiar path, the views were now open – and the scars were everywhere.

It was a shock  –  MY wood had been vandalized!

Now you might read the description of the wood like your own inner wood/soul landscape – like C.G Jung would.

I felt like all my safety and support had been shaken up and pulled up – like my entrails  now was hanging out of my mouth – sorry for that graphic image folks –

I was talking to my daughter in my cell phone as I walked, and I noticed how cool I was describing it – hmm I will feel this deeply when I come home, I knew.

I share this, since I have understood that many of my readers have been abused in some way – and some of them are bi-polar – so they will be able to pick up the healing energy as they read the post through, and BE HELPED just by hooking into the energy of forgiveness and healing of abuse of any kind.

I believe I have come into this incarnation to do just that – clear the structure of archetypal pain of “the victim” on as many levels as I can.

As soon as one of us chooses to see our wounds with love and forgiveness, that healing is AVAILABLE for all – and now it is up to everyone to truly accept it for themselves. That has taken 76 years in this life for me

As a therapist since 1988 – and supervisor for 20 years -I have gathered mine and my patients’ healing experiences in my book “ When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Take a breath here

I felt very bad at home – and was convinced it was COVID-19: I was feverish and it was REALLY hard to breathe. It lasted all day and much of the night, and in the morning, I called out for Anna – Jesus’ grandmother who always for some wonderful reason has been infinitely close.

I invited her to breathe with my lungs, and in a minute or two all the symptoms were gone.

So I asked: Where have I vandalized a landscape as vast and wonderful like this wood?

Ahh – it was my inner wood I had vandalized.

I immediately recognized it:

This happened when I returned home when I was about 4 years old and hade been brutally abused in a wood close by.

 I got home, I don’t know how, and rang the bell. My mother came out and SAW me – there was a terrified look on her face as she SAW what had happened –

and then she turned it into something I had wrong wrong – ripped  and soiled my clothes.

In that shattering moment when I understood that I would NOT be comforted – I could NOT share what had happened and my experiences of it – the inner vandalizing started. I told myself this must be something fundamentally WRONG with me – and my salvation was of course to start bettering everything about me.

That procedure was in itself a recipe for self hatred.

Here is in short the forgiveness-process that Jeshua gives in the Way of the Heart.

FORGIVENESS Jeshua
1. “Use your ordinary experience in each day to observe what pushes your buttons… As you go through your day, observe when you feel as though you are in contraction. Are the muscles of the body tight? Is the breath very shallow?… That is a sign that you need to do healing within yourself… Therefore, count it a blessing if you feel disturbed.” (page 35)


Begin to breathe deeply and rhythmically. Let the body softened and relax, and ask: ‘What is it within this person’s energy that is really causing my reaction?’ You will see it right away: “Oh, they are so critical. Criticism pushes my buttons.“ Then ask yourself: ‘When have I done that to another?’
“Watch the image dissolve and disappear from your mind. Bring your awareness back to the present moment and that person that just pushed your button… within yourself, forgive them for allowing the energy of being (e.g.) critical to temporarily make a home in their mind. And merely ask the Holy Spirit to see the innocent light within them.” (page 36)

I made a choice in that moment – to squeeze out any inner signs for needs – like comfort, like “being saved.” Because, said my mind, my mother surely HAD TO BE RIGHT – I had to trust my mother.

And this glorious night, as I used the forgiveness formula with Anna present – breathing through me – I watched the image of the two of us dissolve in light and disappear from my mind. I saw the innocent light around and in  us both – and I recognized our soul contract: – she and my father had soul-signed up to play these roles for me, so I at last in this incarnation could get a good hold of it all, look at it with love, forgive it and let it go. ***

***

I have been working with this theme for over 30 years. It has taken a lot of work and stubbornness to get to this place.And the trees had grown REALLY tall and the Light had trouble getting in to it.

My daughter suggested in the phone that I might return and present the de-lumbered wood with gifts. I see myself walking through it and singing and dancing to it – giving my energy to the place which is now open to new growth.Most important – now LIGHT can reach all the way down to the very ground.

I hope this experience has done this with me: cleared me out for receiving LIGHT all the way down to my very roots

And here are som more photos of the old wood:

 

You can see the light blue spot to the left – that is a broader hiking trail to the top of the mountain. Now all the trees you see here are cut down. There is free access to the main path to the top 🙂

The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

During my first 20 years I was raped and abused by my father – he did this when being in a Mr Hyde – state of mind. That had the curious effect that after the deed, both he and I  switched back int the “normal” Dr.Jekyll – state – and  no-one now knew what had happened.

A complete switch in consciousness, a split in the psyche  – it took me the first 38 years of my life to  open up  and find that split off / dissociated child.

My father’s Dr. Jekyll part I loved, and had a lot in common with – the love of literature, art, music , and playing silly word games. Some of the most beautiful memories involve my father and I in various situations of Silence and beauty.

After a lot of education and years in many sorts of therapy, I started my private practice as Expressive Arts Therapist and later became supervisor for students in the education.

After ten years of practice or so I started to recognize clear patterns of symptoms and behaviour in 99% of my patients – and from inner guidance I was helped to see that they were sent to me because I was supposed to explore the archetypes in the common psyche of this kind of soul sickness. When the work went deep and down and scary, I called intensely for help from the Divine and was answered in the most loving  and wise and tender ways – and I became aware that all this was meant to be chronicled in a book I was supposed to write.

As the work with my students developed and the 10 archetypes became clear, more patients showed up, always demonstrating the themes I most needed to understand- so we explored them through dance, music, painting, writing, storytelling etc – and there was a clear red thread through my patients’ work, that demonstrated that there was Something present through all the modalities and expressions – and that this Something  was holy and utterly dependable.

The synchronicities were over the top unavoidable to notice -and that helped us all realize that we were  moving through a dark landscape with a trusted Guide – and   where I now started to notice how the map could be made.

The map turned into the three books you find in the right menu:

When Fear Comes Home to Love – the Healing Gifts of Art, Play and Forgiveness

Case stories, autobiography, my own spiritual journey with guidance from Divinity and lots of synchronicities. A bonafide map for traversing these dark Jekyll and Hyde-landscapes.

“108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” are some of the most helpful and popular creative exercises that arose in the sessions – they are helpful for anyone being in a crisis.

The third book, Hilaryon Stories  is a novel – Hilaryon is a state of frequency that may look like a planet, where deep trauma and stories of loss play out among my beloved characters. Johan Sebastian Bach is one of them, and playfulness and white hares turn up to play big roles in my characters’ lives

When you click on the book covers you will get to my author page and may read reviews.

***

For the readers who are ready to bring healing and transformation to the dark psychic patterns they may carry, I offer Skype sessions called Transformation. You will get 15 free minutes on Skype where you can ask questions – and if the connection feel OK for both of us, we may set up a session.

A Path through the Jungle

When the mind tries to understand d things – to feel safe and have control – it cannot open to the beauty of life in all its nuances. Those of us with big trauma in our luggage has actually survived by controlling, pushing the traumas deep down- and because of all of that underground activity, Illnesses arrive, physical and psychic. All the avoiding systems, carefully architected, grow like a jungle, slinging their lianas criss – crossing through our nervous system. It saved us then, and now it produces strange fruit.

I wanted to know – how can I be of help? How can I use my jungle-knowledge to serve in this world with so much putrefying agony, where frequently the trees grow so dense that the light cannot reach us down here?

I have been given a muse – I write stories and poems that may heal and give hope. The muse is full of strength and outrageousness and laughter; it is a pleasure to allow her to use me.

In my practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist, the healing story arises in the sacred space between the student and me. One of us start with a sentence or more, the other continues when it feels right. The story grows and we follow, often fantastic and outrageous, and there use to be a place where we both have no idea where – and IF – it will find an end. It ends when we stick with it- trusting the spirit that plays with us, knowing precisely what we both need to heal and grow. When we get there, there is relief, gratitude, deep breathing. And it turns out that this particular story precisely addressed the student’s predicament at that moment in time.

Hilaryon Stories is created in this way. If you “try to understand” you will hurt. I invite you to you read by just going for the ride –  trusting that the path through it will lead to a clear and beautiful space within you ( and the jungle.) No need to try to understand – the story, as it was given me through 5 years and two years pause – has ability to heal deep collective unconscious patterns. I know that from experience. If you are one of those travelers who would like to clear a bit of jungle, your soul will thank you for it. In these Corona times with tremendous uncertainty about most anything, Hilaryon Stories is a bona fide path back Home – it teaches you to let go and trust – just like it did me.

My muse presented me with the chapters in a seemingly chaotic pattern – precisely to give the readers the experience of having lost the path in the jungle –  and then, if you hang in there, joining the characters in their experiences of loss, longing and playfulness, I trust that you will find your  own joy – the point of it all.

Here is a review:

I finished the book – and miss it dearly! I wish I could read on every night from now on!
The sense of it all still escapes my mind, yet it left me feeling uplifted and joyful, playful and very grateful!
When I did a little grounding meditation yesterday, I decided to visit my belly from the inside. ( My belly has been like seven months pregnant for years, feeling uncomfortable. I believe, I shut it down in many ways.) So I let my awareness travel down there and found only darkness and barren land. Then, suddenly it started to transform! I saw grass growing, and streams meandering – looked like Ireland. A change again and it was a kind of Hobbiton ! Flowers, little houses and JOY! Abundance everywhere! Little people dancing, singing, eating, creating! Perhaps not so dissimilar to Hilaryon…
My life force energy was moving as a strong tingling in my lower belly! I just loved it!

 

Inner Images and Sounds

Hi all

This blog shares my explorations with my mind, memory and body – to dissolve and release imprints of trauma in the cells. I have been shown clearly that any symptom comes from a memory of trauma that had to be stacked away when it happened – I have great respect for those parts of me that hid those parts. Through deep love and non-judgment for these parts, they have opened up for me – and today I will share how a deep inner itching – “Shingles” – came from inner images and sounds that my mind and heart could not be present too – as they at that time were far too frightening and threatening.

We all have those places. It is my experience that sending love to them is possible and healing.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love, I share my path through almost 30 years of explorations – with myself and my patients in therapy. When I sat up in the night when the itching was too overwhelming, I asked for help and opened the book randomly – always trusting that Spirit leads my fingers. They landed here:

Exercise: Giving is receiving

The images we store in our subconscious of the Fuckeat-attacks***, still have the power to put us in a permanent position of alert. This exercise may heal the inner enemy-image, and help us see the scared child within the aggressor – calling for help, just as our own inner Child.

Sit, or lie down. Close your eyes. Allow your breathing to become slow and deep. Put your focus on your heart for a while; know that your loving essence waits for you there. Breathe into this love, expand it. Feel and see it as a light within your heart that expands, embracing you in a cocoon of loving light.

Now visualize your abuser in front of you. If that is too scary, visualize him/her in the arms of their guardian angel. Look for a light-spot within him. When you find it, allow it to expand, until it surrounds him like a cocoon. Now see, within his heart, the image of his own inner child. See the child becoming aware of the light s/he is surrounded by. See her/him relax.

Go with whatever happens.

If you want to, allow the two light-spheres to merge. Remind yourself that the image you see within the light-sphere is a mirror of your own inner child.

Give whatever happens over to the Holy Spirit, or your own Highest Love.

***”Fuckeat” is the name I have given the enemy-archetype of the abuse-variety.

We all have our own inner guides of Spirit. When you faithfully do this work, they will arrange the most wondrous and funny synchronicities for you,, as they do for me.

After having worked a couple of hours in the night with embracing the energies and letting go of some of the images, a completely new sensation filled my chest and solar plexus-area. A feeling of safety the body never has felt in this life. And I had a great dream:

I am having a medical procedure in a hospital The doctor is the epitome of kindness and gentleness. After this, the door opens and a multitude of small children swarm in. I run around and call out: I am a love magnet! And whenever I touch a child, I tell it that now it is glued to me. There is a huge joy in this silly game, and I end up being in the middle of a large heap of giggling children

When I open my door to get the paper in the morning, a child has painted this heart right outside of my door:

I love to end this post with a poem I wrote recently:

The Last Judgment

First
The curve and fragrance of the cupola
The sweetness and dependability of the milk
The age old rhythm of the heartbeat

Landing

Belonging

Middle
You and me in the blue boat
Calm vast sea
Resting in the here – membrane
Between above and below
Looking and knowing
Smiling

Last
Being quietly present all the time
In dreams and awakenings
The knowing:
The Last Judgment
Is Love

 

The Queen of Chameleons

The closed-off room

The fear of taking space – for my self

I closed it off when I had to, to adjust instead.

Inside that room was a compressing machine,

doing a truly magnificent job. The stuff that could have

joyed up a whole world now compressed into

one quadrate centimeter closed-off self

of atomic bomb power.

I closed the room and lived outside it as the Queen of Chameleons.

A true master: emerald green head yellow gold paws and violet/blue tail

***

This just came in to my mailbox – from Educare

There is an Order to life

It is not your job to create the Order.
It is your job to yield to It.
Observe, listen, accept and follow.
*

Thank you! All traumatized parts try to create order and sense. Now I have seen her and loved her -and maybe Poetry can do the rest?

 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Core Transformation

I am doing a process from a book called  Core Transformation by Connierae Andreas.

The part of me that constantly distracts me from relaxing and sitting down to just be – or meditate – turned out to distract me in order to be able to feel relaxed herself Only when I felt constantly occupied and mentally frizzled could she relax – since me “relaxing” meant allowing up images and memories that could not be survived for a little girl.

The journey back to Source felt wonderful. After each answer from her, I thanked her and breathed and felt it inside.

What do you get from distracting me?

I get close to myself. I get more into my body, I can even feel what I want and need. That feels incredibly good. I trust myself more, I am more a friend to myself. It feels wonderful!

What would that give you ( that was even deeper?)

It brings me in touch with a deep longing. To feel this longing feels essential.

To feel that longing deeply – what gift would that bring you, that was even deeper?

I would know that I was loved by God –  not alone.

And would there be something even deeper than that, that you would get?

That God is inside me – always – I am never alone. I cannot lose Him/Her.

And what would you have if you had this too? What would it give you?

And here came the great release:

I would extend that light to others. Show it – and see that it is received and treasured.

Thank you! And having that –what would be even more profound?

Having that would give me perfect eternal joy.

Having this joy – and living from it – how would that make your life different?

I am perfectly guided by Love. Everything I need is provided. Situations too. I would simply be played by Source, trusting from moment to moment, enjoying it tremendously. Knowing where to go, whom to say what to. No planning for myself – no more worries. Being danced by Joy, living in a wave of perfect trust outside time. Life lifing me 🙂

Thank you! How does this state of Joy transform your need to keep me distracted?

The thought of distracting you is impossible. I would only share this unchanging joy with you – anything else is impossible.
*
Then I did the timeline-experience. It felt great to move that pure joy-energy through all the stages of “my” childhood and later traumas and shocks.

AND: patience is called for here. I sat down this morning and felt a need to distract myself. Felt disappointment at first – then I decided to log on to Word and share this. I realize that I don’t need to resist the need to distract when I arises – the ability to just look at it now and not judge it is utterly beautiful.

Liberation of the Root-chakra

For old readers, who has followed this blog for some years – you will remember the “morning-gloom-and-doom” that has stayed in place, whatever else I have done healingwise.

These glorious days I see it as my greatest liberator.

Let me repeat that with an exclamation mark!

These glorious days I see it as my greatest liberator!

The last two days it has come with a ferociousness that is remarkable – and luckily I remembered this advice I had received recently:

“Scary difficult memories/energies/sights: Now you have the choice NOT to launch into your habitual patterns of resistance, but to stay with the rawness and discomfort of the situation – and let it transform you. ALLOW IT to set you free!”

And as soon as i dropped the identification with the feelings – I am NOT this, I am the awareness of it – it dropped, and it was tolerable. I talked lovingly to the part that had held on to the pattern of resistance as a surviving/coping mechanism, and honored for her choice to do that – she kept us alive and reasonable sane – well, sane enough to go through educations, get a job, get married etc etc – all the stuff we call life.

As soon as I saw this as a gift, the energies started to move. The part of me went through several layers –  intense terror, then dense fields of confusion and thought-spin – then huge rage and anger, then deep grief, then loneliness –  then I allowed it to wash through me, but knew all of this belonged to her – that little one that had gone through all of that. I was in the observer-position – and the part was not fused with me any longer, and could feel it all. I felt it with her, but did not identify with the “me” in it -it was just energy, it had come for a reason – to be seen and acknowledged and held and honored, so “she” and I could finally experience the LOVE that surrounded all of that.

The little one asked the Light “why wasn’t you there when the awful thing happened!” and the Light gently and lovingly told her :

“We were there when it happened. You dissociated from the trauma, and your fear and horror prevented you from seeing our presence. Now you know that we were there – and in that way, you will feel safe being in touch with the repressed feelings later. We have witnessed it, and our love and space for you will melt the negative energy-fields still clinging to your aura – as you yourself find forgiveness within.”

The last paragraph is part of the book ” When Fear Come Home to Love” which I present in the right menu. I have “known” this for 30 years – but these days, it feels like a much more comprehensive healing – like i visit it through many layers. It feels blissful each and every time i get to this place – it is only the resistance, and my identification of this victim, that keeps the pain and energies going. WITNESSING the pain FROM the Self – the loving Observer – transforms and transmutes it.

And now to the fun stuff – the synchronicities after such a lovely process. I get out of bed, and are nudged to open one of the many creative journals I have in front of me in the bookshelf. I open it randomly, and find this image:

The freed Root wicenter

After taking a photo of this to share, I found my had going into another cupboard and taking out a miniature book. I opened it on this page:

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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