On a blessed track

Got the message “I got to have this hit in the ribs examined.” I decided for the ER. I blessed the day and expected the best.

Walking out the door, a new neighbor was loading her big car with 4 kids and a dog. She offered to drop me off on their way to holidays at the coast -and told me that she was a police-officer, and was happy to be of help if I needed it.

WHAT A SAFETY. And what a symbol:-)

In the E.R, it was quiet and calm. Very non-E.R-ish. After a short wait,I was taken in to a female doctor. I sensed panic coming up as she examined the ribs – it felt like a huge disaster was looming. She thought it might be a fracture, not broken ribs. I felt dizzy and spaced out – but did not get what was going on until after the examination when she typed all the info, and one of her apparatuses started sounding like an alarm. She looked at the little machine, shook her head and typed more – and the thingy piped again and again. So I understood that it was a signal for me, not for her: I was in a state of alarm. Aha! I immediately picked up the ACIM-notebook I had brought and opened it randomly: ” Remember that each time you have surgery/visit the doctor/ your subconscious mind may believe that you are going to die.” The thingy gave one more little peep – was there more? “Tell her.” I told her about my Post-Traumatic-stresssyndrome, that I needed that she explained some things very slow and meticulously, otherwise a part of my mind was in panic. When she started to answer all my questions, it became clear that my fear of a ruptured spleen was not likely justified: the spleen, she explained, was placed safely UNDER the ribs, not below it.

Instantly I felt a rush of freed energy, and I started to yawn.  I forgave the “something” in my mind that had SO strongly identified with the vicious attacks when I was small, and had been frozen in an ongoing alarm-memory of being in deadly danger.

No more alarm-signals now – neither from the inner nor the outer. My mind came back from the spaced out realms, I felt clear and tired and calm. The doc saw my transformation. I thanked her for the patience, we hugged and she wished me good luck luck luck 🙂

As I walked to the bus, I was guided to open the notebook again:

“I wanted to get upset about something on the screen, (meaning in my world) and forgiveness is saying “Thank you for showing me this to my mind, thank you for letting me see this part of my mind. I am the dreamer, I am grateful that it is all a projection and falsity. I don’t have to change it, fix it, or strive or anything. That’s what the joy is.” David Hoffmeister.

Song of a Man Who Has Come Through

Song of a Man Who Has Come Through

by D.H.Lawrence

(Just because I love this poem so much, and it makes me cry.)

Not I, not I, but the wind that blows through me!
A fine wind is blowing the new direction of Time.
If only I let it bear me, carry me, if only it carry me!
If only I am sensitive, subtle, oh, delicate, a winged gift!
If only, most lovely of all, I yield myself and am borrowed
By the fine, fine, wind that takes its course through the chaos of the world
Like a fine, an exquisite chisel, a wedge-blade inserted;
If only I am keen and hard like the sheer tip of a wedge
Driven by invisible blows,
The rock will split, we shall come at the wonder, we shall find the Hesperides.

Oh, for the wonder that bubbles into my soul,
I would be a good fountain, a good well-head,
Would blur no whisper, spoil no expression.

What is the knocking?
What is the knocking at the door in the night?
It is somebody wants to do us harm.

No, no, it is the three strange angels.
Admit them, admit them.

Happiness and peace

I knew from the start that it would be a great day, and that I would see signs everywhere I looked of my inner state of mind. I felt a bubbling joy at that thought: it felt like walking in to an adventure

It was  of course my favorite buss-driver. Radiant smile. Good start! After a while, he wanted to adjust his  right armrest. It came up – but would  not go down again. The more he tried, the worse it got jammed. I connected to an inner irritation in me: he was acting it out.I was watching and waiting for what would happen. I was sure it would be good. And he solved it so sweetly: he just rested his elbow on the new position of the armrest. He rested with his irritation.

What a sweet metaphor! I spotted the inner irritation and just rested with it. It is it, and I am I.

It abated.

In town, two  beggars asked for money. I refused both of them for the same reason: I felt bad conscience, not love and joy at the thought.

7 white swans swam in the river today. That river has become a swan-eldorado. What beauty.

Today I saw “The best exotic Marigold Hotel for elderly” for the second time. I adore that movie. When I bought my ticket, a new girl with nametag”Leelah” was serving me. Nice.

In the row in front of me, a young mother with her tiny baby was sitting ( it was “Baby-movie.”) When she put her baby on her shoulder, we looked right at each other. It had a perfect circle round face, big dark eyes and hair – and we stared to smile at the same wondrous moment. Our eyes just rested in each others, and  complete happiness and peace permeated me. And it: I could see in its face what happened between us.

Then the tiny baby started to laugh. It felt like I was given a sweet gift.

And I wonder if I am going to go to India.

It really looks serious but it aint

This is the weirdest day. It has lasted about 45 hours since the morning.

Mary mailed me, contradicted herself and stopped our partnership. I was thinking how much I have worked with forgiving all the aspects of our relationship – and how I saw us, clearly, a couple of nights ago, within a cocoon of radiant light. I got the “message” that all was taken care of between us, whatever happened later was just part of the dream/the script – not to be taken seriously.

That made it possible not to answer the strange mail, to “set her straight”, to correct the contradiction and all kind of those things. What was real, was the image I had seen -so I just let it all go.

And the big trial against the terrorist started today. I am swallowed up by the collective feeling about it all: overwhelming stuff to put it mildly. I am sitting glued to the TV, watching me watching it and having all these reactions – and allowing.

Outside it was wonderful sunny weather – then it started to hail, and now it is sunny again. My sense of time has gone.

But I am hanging in there

 

the veil

T-19.IV.D.2. The fourth obstacle to be surmounted hangs like a heavy veil before the face of Christ. 2 as His face rises beyond it, shining with joy because He is in His Father’s Love, peace will lightly brush the veil aside and run to meet Him, and to join with Him at last. 3 For this dark veil, which seems to make the face of Christ Himself like to a leper’s, and the bright Rays of His Father’s Love that light His face with glory appear as streams of blood, fades in the blazing light beyond it when the fear of death is gone.

T-19.IV.D.5. Every obstacle that peace must flow across is surmounted in just the same way; the fear that raised it yields to the love beyond, and so the fear is gone.

Yesterday, I made a decision: I am willing to surrender my belief that the ego has power to block Love. – I was intensely tired of the roller-coaster process of peace and suffering, and was willing to let go of the comfort of the familiar old  sufferer – identity and instead being willing to have a process of ease. This decision was delivered with a lazer-sharp intention.

Dream after this:

I am in a huge empty classroom.All the students have moved on to the next one – and this one is ice cold, deserted. I move into the adjacent room: it is small, and two other male young students are there. The atmosphere is warm and cosy, and one man says, as he is looking out: “Spring is here now.”

A mysterious man comes in his  wooden trustworthy boat. The boat travels by air and water, and we travel with him. We have complete  trust in his ability to take us to our destination – until we come to a precipice. I say, “we are going to die if we go down here with the boat. i will climb down myself, I have more control.” Yes:-) But the man says something that makes me listen to Him, and suddenly we are down, safe.

I see that in this first spring-day all the usual flowers have come up. I name them as we see them around our boat.

He is such a great Master.

Someplace in the dream, there is a really icky dark poisonous energy. I state my willingness to release the belief that ego can block Love – and after some seconds I have the thought that this is the very substance of the veil of illusion, that warps our perception – described above in the Course-quote. Blue  says: “If God is perfect Love, this is a dream.” It’s just stuff. Not a signal of some hidden guilt or dangerous  personal memory. I am starting to be excited to know that Heaven is just beyond this veil.

I am aware that the Master in the boat is right now skillfully maneuvering his boat with me inside it, and that I can trust the journey completely.I relax and allow it to happen. Somehow I am not in the dream any longer – just being with the veil-energy. Knowing that the forms of illusions do not matter at all: I give all my faith to the Master of the boat.

The ego is telling me that I have been so good, I can relax now and go to sleeeep. I don’t want to. I think about Cherubino’s aria in Cosi fan tutte: so terrified to surrender to love, and dedicating it to the Contessa, who looks at him with great love.

Here it is – a little musical interlude:

The ego is threatening me now that he is my big protector. There is an addiction going on – an addiction to listen to him and feeling “safe” in his system. What a lier he is. I choose to put my faith in the Master of this boat.

I am moving through a massive field of fear: “Now you will die.” It is not true – just messages coming from within the veil, and I don’t need to believe these thoughts.

A nasty memory of being controlled and forced by a big male hand on my neck comes, vividly. I see that i somehow told myself that only if i comply, will i not be killed – meaning that I am safe. So I equated being safe with being forced and controlled – and the body stored the cell-memory in the neck.

Now the landscape in the veil looks dismal, obnoxious. I am not the landscape. I choose to trust the Boatsman. – I see myself putting my hand on top of the controller,firmly removing it, calmly saying: “You will never do that again.”

The ego tells me – and this is a strong belief, but all the same, it is a lie: “You need to do this a million more times before it will work.” Again, I willingly release my belief that the ego has power to block Love. And remind myself that the Boatman is the proof that I am heard and answered.

And the ego delivers a fat one: “You are so special going through this, and understanding this, and seeing through the ego.” But it can say absolutely nothing to prevent me from doing what I am doing right now: following the journey through the veil, mapping it.

No respect -really?

The ego is calling me such a wuss.

Today I discovered that my doctor has never told me that I must NOT take my thyroxine the same day I take a blood test – because then the thyroxine-values will show too high, and the medication will be set too low. It was written with small writing on the test-paper.

I showed him – and he said, come back early tomorrow morning.

Not apologizing for having me take a long bus ride in vain. Not looking devastated at his fault. Did he not understand that I could have died, and it would have been his fault?? Ah,. I get it – he doesn’t care if i live or die. It’s simply not important.

Yes – this is what i instantly told myself. I told myself that I (my life)was not respected, not valued, just a piece of shit to be thrown in the garbage.

Looking at it with Blue, and seeing what a classroom this is, felt great.It did not take many minutes to see that doc had done me a favor – to get this old pattern up in the light to release it.

At the bus station, the bus driver exploded at a woman who was stressed. ” I am not willing to take this. Get off the bus! I am not driving until you leave! I will NOT take this!”

I forgave it. He showed me myself, and I felt tenderness only. People started to leave the bus – and strangely enough, another bus to my home was standing exactly behind the first.

I entered, the driver was in a good move – until later when he suddenly exploded at a young boy who did not move fast enough backwards.

Same energy. Same response of tenderness. Just another forgiveness opportunity: ego was doing its best to create situations to upset me.

All these so-called “errors” led to me being able to let go of this old theme.

It’s really all good.

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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